Friday 31 December 2010

Nothing Changes On New Year's Day.

Hi guys, this will be my last post of 2010. My previous post was my 101th, and the one before that the 100th. Sounds like milestones eh? Sounds like the posts should be more significant just because it's linked arbitrarily to some special nice sounding number. But they're not any more special. And well, neither is new year's day.

What I'm trying to say is, people imbue the new year with so much hope. They make the new year out to be some special life-changing day where all of a sudden their lives will somehow magically turn around or something. It won't. Your troubles aren't left behind in 2010 just because the sun has gone above your head for the 366th time. You aren't a better person just because the calendar starts anew. New year's day is just another day.

You get what I'm saying don't you? Nothing changes on new year's day. If you wanted to turn your life around, you could have done it anytime, you didn't have to wait till now.

Of course, I'm not 100% so cynical and skeptical. It is of course a good time for you to decide to start doing something, or to stop. Say if you decided to stop gambling, or drinking or something, but you just can't seem to do it. New year's day would probably be a good day to firm your resolve and to stop once and for all. I guess that works lah. I just don't buy into the whole mythical idea of the new year.

It's just a sort of signpost on the highway of time. A distance marker in the marathon of life. And everyone knows the stupid marker doesn't give you an energy gel or a banana or something, yet somehow seeing the distance you've run so far (and have yet to cover, or how slow you've been) spurs you to run that little bit faster. But it's all in your mind.

Nothing changes on New Year's Day - U2, New Year's Day.

So this is the new year, and I don't feel any different - Death Cab for Cutie, The New Year.

Badass songs by some badass artistes, which got me to thinking about it and typing this post. Typically, an end of year post also comes with a reflection of sorts, a stock taking and an assessment of your year. So.

My 2010 started off with a whimper. Or a rather sad BANG, if you're into black humour. I must say it got better, of course it scarcely could have gone otherwise. They say when you're down the only way is up after all. So from way down in the dumps, I got myself a job (M1) for 2 months and then another (Honourable Naval Officer) for the next X number of years (Where X is possibly a very large number, but it could possibly also be quite small. Therein lies the mystery of X.)

That's the gist of my year thus far. In the sense that those were the big choices I made which have had a large impact on my life. I've been off my parents' money the whole year, and every dollar that I've taken from them this year I have laboured to return. That's what I call a positive impact. I have not strayed since entering army (although my journey to Neverland later might just prove to be that,) I have not taken up smoking or drinking or any other such vice. Leisure drinking and very rarely at that, that's all. My usage of vulgarities did not increase upon entering the armed forces.

I have learnt to wash my clothes and sweep/mop/wipe/scrub/clean places ranging from my room to the toilet to the corridors of wingline. I have cooked and survived my cooking. I have gone travelling alone and also lived to tell the tale. I have been in a jungle and lived on a ship. And more. In terms of experience, this year is my greatest year yet. First year out of school and this is what we get. School is overrated, no? We have been frogs in a well with a lid on it and a fat man was sitting on the lid.

It's been quite a year. I've learnt how to pick myself up (which makes me think of a great song Pieces of What by MGMT) and to move on. I've learnt how to take care of myself (yes I've been quite useless as a person till now.) I've learnt a somewhat painful lesson in naivety {[which makes me think of the song (Cheating) Gets it Faster by Jimmy Eat World](note the clever use of the bracket system thing taught in mathematics!)}

I think I've been generally a nicer person. The one statistic I'm quite happy about is not losing my temper during BMT at all. I've been more filial, I guess. I've been giving money to the household, and I'm quite proud of my contributions. I've not given my parents much to worry about, I hope. I've tried to be the best I could be. I've tried to act honorably at all times. I've tried not to let my interest and emotions get in the way of others. Whether I've succeeded or not, I don't know. But the very fact that I even tried, that says something yes? Sort of like, if somebody tries to be genuinely nice, then that makes him a nice guy right? The very fact that he wants to be nice means that he is, in fact, nice. Right? Sorry, it's a personal point that I have to make.

This could have turned out to be a very bad year. I could have made some terrible choices and indulged in self-destructive tendencies. So I'm glad it's turned out this way. Oh yeah I have to add picking up rock-climbing and dragonboating as some of the plus points this year. Being owned by my brother in every way during climbing was simply humbling.

And working at M1 was, looking back, an awesome experience. Thanks of course to bufflordshin and jiamin from hot bods, and fitmin for driving us to buy durians almost every night haha! Skipping work so frequently, huge meals every lunch, laughing at cui/gay/nerd colleagues, being berated by chinese-speaking aunties who were transferred over by ws in the first place.. It was an epic time, and strangely cathartic too haha!

Okay there is alot more to look back upon, so I shan't. Because I'm hungy and my time for dinner is running out. So, until next year then, and enjoy your countdown!

Monday 27 December 2010

Winter In Singapore.

Actually no, but I am down with a cold! Must be what winter feels like heh. Same difference. So today feels more christmas-sey than christmas itself. I seriously do think it's cause of my cold. I feel cold (i.e. winter) wear a long sleeved shirt (i.e. winter) and drink hot chocolate (YOU GET MY POINT) and lepak at home. Hohoho. And take an mc so I didn't book in back to camp. Well!

It was such a good idea to go gai gai on my own after dinner on christmas. I got caught in the rain and therefore fell sick and therefore am having a most awesome time now. Loving it, if only I weren't actually sick. Although that doesn't work out at all.. Whatever. Logical thinking is over-rated.

Anyway I was walking down orchard road, basically just following the lights haha. Purple then blue then red. So I wanted to reach the end of the red lights cause I wanted to see where it ended. Hmm that sounds silly. Anyway. It was actually quite a distance away and I reached a part of orchard where I've never been before, which was quite weird. I'd have thought that since orchard is like such a prominent destination and one of the defining places of singapore, I'd have walked down the whole stretch before. I discovered some tanglin shopping centre or mall thing, and more. Some quite quaint looking shops too. Very interesting that. I wonder why I've never seen all of that before, I'm a terrible singaporean.

Stupid mrt didn't extend its services that night, so I had to make my way back home (since supper didn't work out sigh) by 11.30. Tch. So the night was still young and I decided not to go home immediately. At first I was thinking just supper or coffee at the classy little place near my house (McCafe) but I thought better of it. Checked out the out of the way club/cafe al fresco next to the railway, and it turned out to be quite decent! Quite a nice atmosphere there I guess, will probably go there for supper more.

Quite a happy christmas actually, even though I didn't really do much. I do feel rather content about it though. ERGO, it was a happy christmas! I've been itching to use the word ergo ever since I started typing so I sort of just stuffed it in somehow. Such a cute little word. Also, it must be very irritating if someone were to ever use it seriously. Some people I think, are too convinced of their own intelligence.

I think christmas was satisfactory primarily cause I'm quite happy with life right now. I was alone that night cause I wanted to be, and it turned out to be a very agreeable night indeed. I'm glad I like me, or I couldn't stand being with myself all the time. It's a good thing I find myself to be quite interesting LOL. I'm quite good at amusing myself (if you haven't already noticed.)

But yeah. Last christmas I wasn't so keen on being alone so I turned out quite miserable. This year I've reconciled with myself, so it was peachy. Funny though, I haven't met a single friend over the christmas weekend.. Do you think they still love me?! What's new srsly, confirm they bo jio one. Sua.

Oh yes special mention to my man Gareth for my first and only christmas present this year! Metamorphosis by Kafka. Interesting cause I always found Kafka interesting, but I never actually wanted to read him. Now that I have the book though, I have no excuse. It's sort of like Haruki Murakami and Milan Kundera and Salman Rushdie and that Aravind guy or sth who wrote the tiger book, where the authors and their books sort of intrigued me, but not to the extent where I would actually get around to borrowing and reading their books. Will be changing that now, whatwith having already read kundera and having bought murakami and salman rushdie books. Yey me.

And to anyone out there who cares, don't buy me a birthday present just for the sake of buying one okay. If it's just for formalities' sake and not really heartfelt then don't bother! Save yourself the trouble and the wracking of brains and all. I mean it only cause I hate buying gifts myself. I never have a clue what in the world to buy for others, and I expect others can't find it easy to buy stuff for me either. Thank goodness no gift exchange this year! How does anyone find some random generic gift (rule states under $20 or sth too) which is suitable for everybody?! Although I must say I did like the towel I got (from ang I think) that christmas (which seems to be ages ago.) It's a rare gift, the buying of gifts. One I am sadly un-endowed with.

Anyway, hi sister. And maybe, brother too. Don't tell me if you all read my blog or what lah. Paiseh leh. I'll blog differently if I'm aware of who my audience is. I'll be more aware of what I type and all, and we don't want that do we! AND don't try and pry into my (lack of) love life and ask me if I'm talking about some girl or whatnot based on what I post please! You can talk to me about what I post, less the girl and relationship parts. Also if you're in dire need of financial assistance you can leave a comment and I'll do what I can do help you Godfather style. HAHA.

Anyway, the weather has been pissing lately. Not pissing as in pissing me off, but as in really pissing. The clouds are like massive oversized leaky bladders. At least this let's us know that climate change hasn't been too drastic yet, unlike last year where the monsoon was non-existent. It got me really worried for a while. Driest Nov/Dec/Jan ever. I thought it was dryest. Spellcheck corrected me. Ergo, AI > Me. The machines are going to take over the world.

On that point, Marvin (the paranoid android) is so irritating and amusing at the same time. All this while I have this faint hope that he'll lighten up a little, but my brain tells me he'll never do that! Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, incase you don't know what I'm talking about. Has got to be the most random book(s) ever. It's page after page of nonsense. You should read it too lol, I'm on book 3 or 4 now.

And Big Bang Theory is amazing!! I'm only on episode 7 or 8 of season 1 though! Slowpoke. I'll try to cram in more time to watch it somehow. Maybe I'll evolve into slowbro. Pokemon references are teh cool btw. And I am an exponent of it, believe me.

Hahah this has evolved into a very long post, how this has happened without my knowledge is beyond me. I don't really have that much to say, but I still say it anyway. Ramble on and on and on and on so annoying. I'm sorry! Why can't I ever do a short and succinct post?

Okay. Spread the festive cheer, or failing that, spread a cold or a flu or something. Just spread something (don't say peanutbutter or jam or sth that's damn lame). I hope nothing venereal though, I'd be quite sad for you... Haha!

Saturday 25 December 2010

Merry Christmas.

Merry christmas everybody, hope the festive season has been nice to you thus far. I have no plans for today, save for dinner with family. I think I'll head out soon, indulge in some shopping for myself, and if by some freak occurrence manage to spot nice little gifts for anybody, buy them as well. Basically bum about Orchard Road or wherever to soak up the sights and sounds.

Hope I have happy time today. And to you guys too, I wish you happy times as well. Make the best of your christmas. And year end leave/break if you're so blessed. I'm not. SIGH.

Anw I made spaghetti yesterday and it didn't suck, so I guess I can count it as a moderate success! Heh. Yan can cook okay!

See, it's easy to be a happy person, if you only want it. Just cook a meal and feel proud of yourself or something. Or maybe that's only me haha!

Hokay. Stay happy, if you're not already happy, then what are you waiting for, go be happy!

Thursday 23 December 2010

Manufactured Memories Mandatory.

I lost my little notebook where I penned down some of the random thoughts I have from time to time. I remember one of the things I wrote said this: There are memories to be made here (with me). I don't know what state of mind I was in when I wrote that or the circumstance involved. But in an effort not to let that little black book go to waste, here I am to write a bit about that.

Memories are all well and good. A memory of a happier you, a memory of what it was like to be carefree, a memory of a person dear to you. Memories. But don't live in the past. Don't live life looking over your shoulders all the time. Know this, that memories are there to be made every moment that you live. It's up to you to want to form new memories, starting from now, starting from tomorrow.

Well this happens to me, not sure if it does to you, but sometimes almost everything you do or everything that happens to you reminds you of something in your past. It becomes difficult to live in the present if you keep casting your mind back doesn't it? You think, oh, someone used to do this with me, I used to go there with somebody, etc etc. That's perfectly fine, but don't let it hinder you from experiencing something new each time.

In the here and now, life goes on. Move on, too. Don't have half your mind dwelling in the past. Live the present. Alright, don't let the bed bugs bite.

Anyway Arctic Monkeys are awesome! Pure unabashed brit rock there, too good for words.

Wednesday 22 December 2010

A Madness Most Meaningless.

I could easily have put my title as a madness most meaningful instead. Meaningless has a nicer ring to it though. I'm not sure which one more appropriately applies to me though. The madness is a given. It's purpose and meaning, maybe not so clear. I'm not sure what I'm doing now.

I'm not sure what I want. I have a propensity to daydream, yes I do. Trouble is, I don't know if I actually want those dreams to be realized or not. Supposedly dreams are from your subconscious i.e. they should reflect your real desires or somesuch nonsense. I don't know about that. Maybe sometimes, you think you want something, when actually you don't. Do you get what I'm saying? Maybe, probably not. Maybe sometimes, we've been conditioned to think we want something. Society dictates you should want to excel academically, you should want to get married and start a happy family, you should want to do this, or do that. But maybe you don't want to. But you don't know that, cause of all the conditioning you've been through. And when you finally get what you're supposed to want, maybe you find you aren't that happy at all.

That's totally not what I had in mind when I started out. Hmm. Let's leave it at that.

9:3x for 2.4. Steady drop there, I've got to do something about it. Maybe I start by buying new shoes, a christmas present for myself. Of course I've already gone and done that, what with buying 11 books and all. But I think I'm entitled to 2 presents this year. I've been good for goodness' sake! Oh, I better watch out, I better not cry..

I've been gripped by a madness lately. That's a bit of a misnomer. It's not necessarily such a bad thing as the word would seem to imply. I don't know what's going to come out of it so I can't say with certainty if it's a good or a bad thing. What I know is that I'm doing something with no clear purpose in mind, and my intent is shrouded, even to me. Maybe I do know my intent but I'm trying to deny it. Hmm. I don't know how to put it, and it probably doesn't interest you either, so I'll stop here.

Christmas is approaching. No, I feel no festivity whatsoever yet again. It's very worrying. But I'm an optimistic kind of fella. Last christmas was one of the worst christmases I've had. I don't think it was THE worst ever, though. Ditto my new year. Heh for the people whom I spent them with last year I apologize, this sentiment has nothing to do with you in any way! But it was torrid, really awful. This year I'm feeling pretty hopeful, somehow. Hah.

It's so easy to go mad. To just lose yourself with wild abandon. Anyone can do that. What's hard is staying true to yourself. That's why even now, I don't exactly approve or like the idea of drinking (or more accurately getting drunk) and partying and all. Imbibing alcohol is just another way of inducing madness. Some people say when you're drunk your true colours show. I don't really believe in that. When you're drunk you do things you never usually do. How does that indicate any "true colours" shining through? Liquid courage, as they say, is just that. It's not your courage. And clubbing/partying, well. Losing yourself in a mass/mess of people, safe in the knowledge that nobody really cares about what you do there, content that people will just pass your actions off as "oh, he/she's just letting loose for a bit," or, "just drunk, that's all," or whatever reasons they care to provide for you. Of course this is all just me. Certainly you have your own good reasons to do whatever it is you do, and what I said totally didn't make sense or apply to you. It's just my personal opinion on this.

I think there's something to be said for stoicism. In this day and age, with all your budding psychiatrists and expert counsellors around, it's all about finding an outlet. Finding an outlet for all your emotion, your expression. It says something about the self-centredness of people. In a sense. That's just a belief I hold, that I can't exactly put into words. But stoicism still has its place. Enduring and not complaining. The complain culture is something quite prevalent really. I remember discussing this with my german friend Jacob in cameron highlands haha.

Which reminds me that I should probably plan for a backpacking trip once more. Early days yet, as all procrastinators like to say, so we'll keep this one on the backburner! Some vague ideas running amok within my head though. But what with (maybe) uni and all, it's going to be a little difficult to organize I think. Don't wanna end up disappointing myself with a trip that doesn't materialize.

You know, sometimes when I blog I have somebody in mind. Not the "oh you're always on my mind" kind of thing. But sort of like this specific person I want to say something to. Other times though, I have this sense that I'm trying to say something, but I'm not sure who I want to say it to. And sometimes over the course of writing out a bloody long post the intended person actually changes. Just wanted to share this cause I realize some of my posts are very messy really, with no discernible message or anything. And that sometimes you might think my post is about you, but it really is not. Or sometimes it actually is, if you read the subtleties clearly enough. But don't try too hard to find them lah. If it's not about you it's not.

Well. Half an hour left to sleep, I've totally mucked up my time management didn't I! Just kill me, or at least beat me senseless (not that I'm very senseful currently.) It's probably a more satisfactory condition than the one I'll find myself in tomorrow. That is, struggling through the day feeling like rubbish and wishing death upon myself and feeling stupid at the same time.

Sigh. Toodles.

Tuesday 14 December 2010

Millepushups!

I can't let anyone just wave away my punishment like that. I owe it to myself to serve it out in full, even if I have to do it in the quiet of my cabin all lonesome and all. If I got me any punishment, I probably deserved it. And therefore it is hello creaky elbows and sore nehneh muscles, and byebye triceps. It begins here, that quest for more. I can't let myself down anymore.

I shall begin training in earnest. Yes I do. Everyone knows for a fact that once you put something down on your blog, you're eternally obliged to fulfil it. (See also: To-Do Lists on Blogs) But seriously, it's pretty upsetting to see my 2.4 just plummet like that. I will do a marathon next year. Biathlon, meh. Learn2swim first mebbe. See, if I actually decide to do a marathon, I have no choice but to train for it. Genius, or what?!

Well I did promise myself to run a marathon this year too. Clearly not very successful in that respect. Although I very very ALMOST, went for Run for Hope and some other 10km race or sth. The operative word being "ALMOST", in case you weren't quite alerted by the caps.

Don't you wish somebody would save you. Save you from your darkest nightmares and deepest fears. Save you from your own thoughts. Save you from the life you seem destined to lead, no matter how you resist. Save you from being swallowed up and chewed upon and spit out by life and its machinations. Save you from being just one more in a long line of workers churned out year after year. Save you from being merely ordinary. Save you from mediocrity.

Nobody wants to be mediocre. The law of relativity, however, states that there has to be such people. Yes? Well, don't believe it, don't succumb to it. You're better than that. It's true we don't always run out winners everytime. But that doesn't change anything. All your preparation and dedication, your hard work and your passion, that's what sets you apart. If you could only see it yourself.

Of course. Losing sucks. Colours seem a little duller. Food becomes a little blander. Your limbs don't seem as willing to get moving. Your head just wants to remain stuck in the gutter. You moan alot and can't seem to muster the slightest smile. Everything has become so pointless. Life sucks. Okay I might be exaggerating, but if I am it's not by much.

But don't let any single event affect you so horribly. You're the same person you were before, except maybe a little jaded and a little bit more world-weary. I guess it's all part of growing up, and that process isn't complete unless you move on. So. It's time to grow up now. It's time to move on. There are people out there who love you. And there are people out there for you to love. You have friends who will stand by you. Life is never meaningless or pointless. It's up to you to find your own reason. Your raison d'etre, if you will.

Well. Enjoy your day, or night, or maybe more specifically your dusk or your dawn. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you enjoy yourself, wherever and whenever you are. Smiles (:

Monday 13 December 2010

Wedding Bells and 20mm Shells.

Greetings from the great beyond. Or as it is also otherwise known, confinement. I've endured a terrible weekend, involving food, sleep, dragonboating, and 6 movies in 2 days. Okay I know you're thinking, what?! But that's awesome! That's where you're wrong. It's NEVER awesome when you're FORCED to do all that. Yes, boredom has forced my hand. Quite apart from the dragonboat though that was quite awesome. 6 movies in 2 days. My goodness. And if you consider for a moment that one of those movies was.. friggin' The Hot Chick, you know I've had a torrid time. I told myself never to watch crappy Rob Schneider/ Adam Sandler/ Jack Black or generally other think-he's-funny-but-not-actually-funny-man's movie ever again. I have failed in this aspect.

Well. This abject failure watched Goal!, (the punctuation alarms me too, ! and , were never meant to exist happily side by side) The Longest Yard, Coach Carter, Hot Chick, Hitch and also Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Emma Watson is dreadfully cute really. It's a wonder I didn't fall in love with her then. This only happened in Prisoner of Azkaban.. And Ginny is as ugly as ever. Okay lah, a bit cuter but I guess she can't help it, most kids are cute anyway.

Slightly on topic, very slightly maybe, is lousy liverpool. HOW COULD THEY HAVE LOST TO NEWCASTLE?! Was Santiago Munez playing for the Toons or something?! (This is from Goal!, one of the movies I watched over the weekend. I think you have to watch the movie to get my joke. Quite a lousy one to be honest.) Liverpool are abjecter than me. Abjax to the max. Correction, louyapool. Go Spurs!!

Okay I decided to blog today cause today has been slightly different. Apart from feeling sad from confinement of course. I think, maybe, I can begin to hope again. Not for much, no way. But it's a start. But what I'd like to say today is about hopes and fears.

Thus the title, wedding bells. Our hopes and our fears are inevitably married to each other. Invariably, when you hope, you fear. As you open yourself to hope, you allow fear to creep in as well. Has it ever occured to you that at the moments in your life where you are filled with great, soaring hope, massive pits of self-doubt are simultaneously opened? Let's say, something as simple as test results. You hope and sort of believe you will do well, but some part of you sees the downside instead, and you become fearful and nervous. Yes?

Or maybe, say, you ask somebody out. You throw your phone away from you immediately after pressing the send button, you are totally petrified by the thought of her/him replying you. You are at once hopeful, and wracked by self-doubt. Tough huh. The emotions seem to be in direct conflict, both sides of a bitter warring kingdom, polar opposites. But the north pole and the south pole, they're still points on the same earth. And you can't have the earth without both these poles. You can never separate one from the other. In good times and in bad. In sickness and in health. In joy as well as in sorrow. Deal with it.

The fear, it's inescapable. If you never fear losing something, then that something isn't worth your while. The fear is an indication of how much you treasure and cherish that something. So, don't be afraid to fear.

Hope that makes sense to you. Made alot of sense to me while it was in my head! In words though, don't know how it'll work out. Sometimes I think I'm preaching to myself. Am I still afraid to hope? Yes no maybe so. Such is life. Sometimes you think your fears are unfounded, then... that turns around and nips you in the ass. You were foolish to ignore your gut feeling, your instincts. Your fears were never unfounded after all. You couldn't have been further from the truth.

Absolute trust is a pretty concept. Something I probably still believe in, maybe, I think. But it takes just one moment where you are too trusting, just one moment, and poof. Everything. Is. Gone. How's that ever gonna work out? Hmm?

Just random thoughts. It's been almost a year now. I had 3 wishes for christmas last year and I think it's time for some stock-taking, see how well those wishes have been manifesting. The result? I don't know. The jury's still out. There's still 12 days to the anniversary of those wishes, and boy do I wish they come true. With all the pleading some nerd guy on a keyboard (for those not in the know, that's me, nerdboi92) can summon, please make it so.

Anyhoo, it's 3am now. Man needs sleep or he dies. I am Man. Man am I. G'night folks. Those of you at work, happy working. In school, happy schooling. In army, happy army-ing. In airforce, happy slacking. Haha jacked. Byebye now.

EDIT: Hi it's 0611 now. I wanted to add this cause well, it's pertinent. I wake up today, energized and full of hope for the future, feeling so happy about life in general. Then I open my ration box for breakfast. 'Nuff said. Those of you unfortunate enough, will know about TMB. The Monday Breakfast. Upon setting my eyes on it, I cannot help but let fly with a TMD. Seriously. Who manages to make sausages suck?! Somebody is out to destroy my faith in the universe and life and love and the love of food. I cave in. Life sucks. I suck. Sulk. Double dose of Prozac for me plz! Here's to your breakfast not sucking as much as mine. Ciao.

Friday 3 December 2010

And They Sing Wave Goodbye, Wave Goodbye.

And a hello to you. Have not had the time to type like this for a very long while now. Okay, probably not true but it's not my fault dota tops my priority list given the limited time I have at home ): Decided instead to write in camp, maybe sacrificing a bit of sleep here, a bit of rest there, just so I can get some of my thoughts down. Metacognition is a useful thing I think.

But yeah been pretty busy these past few weeks, with weekends being burnt and all. Still have not done uni application which really is not cool at all, and haven't done shopping too. Haha how girly is that. Shopping! Been meaning to buy lots of stuff for a long time though, but ever since coming back from india I have purchased a grand total of zer0 items for myself, save for 2 shirts from threadless (awesome shirts nonetheless.)

So. Well it definitely isn't the lack of something to say that caused me not to blog for what, almost 2 months now. Probably the longest hiatus I've ever had, which says alot about how much rubbish my brain spews out on a regular basis. And skipping the whole of november too sigh. So many smart things to say about that month. November Has Come a la Gorrillaz. November Rain, GnR. And the 5th of November courtesy of V for Vendetta. I somehow contrived to miss all these clever little pop/cultural references.

Still remember my last 5th of November though. What can I say? Poof. Life is so different now, comparisons are probably meaningless. Doesn't keep me from yearning for that life though.

Last week was pretty shit. I was pretty down for a while, and I can't say I'm absolutely over it now. Somehow the things that I work for, never really seem to work out. I might put in effort but either it's not recognized, as was the case, or my efforts are completely futile. It's happened. Maybe I seem to not care very much about anything, or maybe even not much about anyone. I don't know.

Not my most articulate of posts maybe. Some things you just don't divulge (or can't) if you have an audience, even if it's a phantom cyber-audience you don't know is watching. But yeah.

So just some random inputs here and there from the past few weeks. I had a haircut and it didn't exactly turn out ideally. That's understating it a fair bit. A big fair bit. I had a flat top but thank goodness that's being slowly rectified now. Hurray for malleable hair.

Aren't kids just the most awesome little creatures around? I was walking home one day and it was just beginning to rain. I reached my void deck and there was this poor little girl, probably P2-4, getting ready to brave the rain by covering her head with an NTUC plastic bag. Okay I probably described it quite badly. What I'm trying to say is that she looked totally cute doing that (not in a pedo bear kind of way) and it reminded me of the antics that kids come up with all the time.

Swimming is so very tiring. I'm a lousy swimmer, yes, I readily admit. But having stitches and cramps? And having my legs feel like they'd been transmogrified into jelly? Way more than I bargained for. I suck. And now a headache from the exhaustion to boot. I suck doubly.

Speaking of which I haven't watched any movies apart from Unstoppable which was surprisingly good. There was Red and Wall Street and..... and some other movies I had intended to watch. Totally not keeping up with the latest movies. Nor TV series. Lagging so far behind the series I follow, it'll probably be suicidal to embark on new ones. But The Big Bang Theory does seem to be very promising. Oh well. Hopefully when I'm done with OCS time would be something much more readily available to me.

I did rewatch 500 Days of Summer and Yes Man and watched The Hurt Locker too, all in one week. Not the brightest of ideas, believe me. I was barely awake the whole week. But it did reaffirm my undying love for Zooey Deschanel. Especially in 500 days. It really was an awesome movie, probably some of the hype got to some people though, and they didn't enjoy it quite as much as they should. To these poor people I'd recommend watching it again, don't let any movie get bogged down with your expectations of it. You're doing both yourself and the movie a grave injustice. The Hurt Locker also was quite good but a bit overrated I think. Hah maybe I'm guilty of overexpecting too.

I trust myself to actually start blogging in camp quite regularly, so I'll save some of my stuff for next time. Might turn out to be a very bad idea, I know exactly how untrustworthy I am myself.
Well I promise myself I'll do it. Promises do mean something still, don't they? Hah.

Sunday 10 October 2010

You Think They Got Wear Underwear?

We were on a bus in india and we went past some indian man in a sarong (or lungi as I've just learnt) when one of my friend asked... HAHA. It was so hilarious (and off colour) I told myself I had to write it down sometime.

Anyway it'll just be touch and go today, gotta leave home soon, at 5 or thereabouts. In fact, I don't have much else to add haha. Probably my first to second shortest posts ever. Everytime I start blogging I contract this disease known as verbal diarrhea, also otherwise known to some as textual stimulation. Which this post could descend to if I don't control myself!

So. Friends out there, do stay happy. Whatever you're facing now might seem abit of a challenge but no worries your friends will stick by you. You'll be fine.

And with that... Toodles!

edit: oh yeah it's 10/10/10 don't we all feel special today! Of course, I had to wake up late and miss 10:10:10am. Less magic in the air for me than for the rest of you guys who managed to catch that magical time! ):

Sunday 3 October 2010

And If You're Hurting, It's Okay.

Hi. Well I was gonna blog about india but what if it's considered sensitive information or something and I get charged and thrown into db just like that?! Actually no. I just don't have the feel for chronicling my experiences there. But it was awesome and quite the eye-opener (and stomach-fattener no thanks to the awesome naans and curries etc.). Really, it was worlds apart from what I had been expecting. Now I really want to backpack India. Where to find the time though! Maybe during uni holidays? Sigh life just gets more complicated from here on. What happened to the heady days of our youth?

People say we still have all our life ahead of us, bright future and all that. But do we really? We're bogged down by the fight for survival, caught up in the rat race, consumed by meaningless menial tasks. The challenge for us is to see past all this, to derive meaning and joy from all that we do, to fixate our hearts and our minds on something (or possible even someone) we can live for, something which can pull us through every day of our lives. In fact, the search for this something (or someone) is meaningful in itself, as long as you don't stop searching, and never forget that you are.

Don't spend your life living for yourself, is what I'm actually trying to say. Nobody is big enough that he doesn't have anything to live for apart from himself. Anyone who thinks that is deluded and quite possibly an asshole too. That's one of the reasons I signed on anyway, to at least have some meaning and purpose in what I do for a living instead of just, you know, for a living. I had previously considered doing humanitarian work and the like, but it's difficult to carve out a future from that isn't it? Selfishness and money matters trump altruism all the time.

Anyway. When I started my post I was thinking along the lines of, sometimes life sucks and every morning that you wake up again is just the start to another day of hurt and pain. But the bad things in life, you will get over someday. One day you will get what you deserve, and truly you deserve much more than you've got. One day everything will turn out alright and everything will make sense once more. One day you might be happy once again, and what more could one want? So if you're hurting, you can be hurting, it's okay.

Sidetrack. I wanna watch Wall Street but to be honest it's probably more for watching Carey Mulligan than anything else. She's also appearing in another movie soon which is fantastic! Other than that, I have lost track of upcoming movies so I don't really know what I want to watch. The Town seems promising though.

Double sidetrack. I bought 6 books in India cause it was so cheap I couldn't resist, like 8 bucks for a brand new book. Neil Gaiman of course, and also a few other books I'd always wanted to obtain. A Clockwork Orange, classic. Paddy Clarke Ha Ha Ha which I vaguely remember hearing of before, and it's booker prize winner so it clearly can't go too far wrong. Milan Kundera's The Joke cause I'm looking forward to another Kundera experience. And one more book I bought merely for the sake of buying cause I had too much rupees, A Better Mousetrap by Tim Holt. We'll see how that goes.

Actually I have alot of things I want to write about, but I shall leave them for another day. Dota beckons, and loath am I to resist its beguiling call. Till next time then.

Sunday 12 September 2010

Eight Days A Week.

Title of another awesome song by the beatles, dunno how they're so arresting with such simple lyrics. Well yeah I feel like I need 8 days a week, cause somehow I don't seem to be doing much with the 7 I have, haha. I have all these grand plans that I without fail do not execute once the weekend arrives, or in this week's case block leave. Plus I have so many tv shows I want to watch e.g. HIMYM Bones Criminal Minds Mentalist and more (also big bang theory which I have heard good stuff about) All those unwatched episodes are piling up week after week....... Sigh.

Anyway I was thinking of Bones and whether it'd be a good thing if bones and booth were to get together. You know it's inevitable but do you really want it to happen? A big part of the show is the anticipation of when it finally happens. Just like HIMYM you know one fine day he'll meet her but you don't want the show to end haha. Actually the 2 scenarios are quite dissimilar and in fact quite random. I'm pretty tired maybe you can tell.

I don't want you to cry for me, but it'd be nice to know you do.

Well. This thought (maybe not these exact words) has been in my head for quite a while now, thought I'd surface it before I forget about it. I think you might once have thought thoughts like that. You don't want somebody else to feel sad or anything for you, but it would be nice to know that they did wouldn't it? That at least you meant something, you figured in their lives enough for them to be sad for you, to cry for you. Do you get my meaning? This makes me think of wanting to see who turns up for your funeral and observing who cries and all. You just want to know someone cares.

But I guess till that day, you'll never know eh? Somehow I don't feel like I mean all that much to people. (I'm not bashing myself, I'm not into that haha) But it's just that I think I'm not the kind of guy who makes that much of an impact on someone else. Not dispensable (I hope not) but probably quite replaceable. My track record not too brilliant either I guess. And recent events not exactly making me brim with confidence.

Moving on. Yesterday (looking at the time make that 2 days ago) was pretty awesome. From mahjong to climbing badminton dimsum and a picnic. How's that for happening? And before that underway (for which bel has my eternal gratitude) which was pretty decent I guess. The days passing much faster than I had hoped and it's gonna be slip-off in a few hours time. Not exactly very well prepared for it I think. Oh well. Gonna be an experience for sure, and since I plan to backpack india someday it should be enlightening!

More random thoughts. I was thinking if I were to OOC I'd be absolutely lost. My life for the next 10 years or so is pretty much sorted out now. Freedom is so overrated seriously. Everyone goes like "why you sign away your life/freedom/whatever else?!" But honestly I'd prefer stability to flexibility anytime. You know, the flexibility to make whatever choices you want, to quit your job or switch employers or something. Why would I want that? That's probably just me. Maybe in 5 years I'll be hating my life and the decision I made 5 years ago haha.

And more.. Don't you feel that so many things in life are so arbitrary? Maybe quite an odd word to use (it's from Ben Elton in The First Casualty) but also quite apt. Maybe. Some things seem to happen purely by chance. Some of the most important things in your life. And doesn't it make you feel uncomfortable that some of the most crucial events in your life were shaped entirely by coincidence and chance? Your humanity, your personality and intelligence and whatnot were not taken into account whatsoever, it was merely Lady Luck and her capricious ways. Well of course there's God and destiny and all, but I'm just saying.

It's brought to mind cause the fact that I signed on with the navy was all so much happenstance. If my BMT buddy had not been interested in the navy and persuaded me to attend the recruitment talk with him things would be very different now wouldn't it? Add to that the fact that I very almost decided to not go with him as well (I was very reluctant) and you see what I mean. Well it certainly makes life very interesting, and sometimes time and chance collude to create something magical. That's what we all live for isn't it? In the hope that somehow someday something amazing is going to befall us.

Well. To that hope, and more. I'll be sleeping now, see you guys in 3 weeks or so, ready to regale all of you with tales of Incredible India and Bollywood Babes and er... Nice Naans??? Haha I'd come up with something far more intelligent sounding but I'm too tired for that! Toodles.

So now. Did you?

Sunday 29 August 2010

Underachievers Please Try Harder.

I like lazy days with no expectation. I came across that line or something very much like it while in camp trawling through songs and lyrics but I can't seem to find it again.. Anyone who has any clue do tell me! Been listening recently to Empire of the Sun, Aqualung and some other stuff I can't recall. As I was saying however, lazy days are good. Even though you don't seem to have much of a life staring at your screen the whole day, at least you're at home and your family is in close proximity, you might not be seeing them a whole lot (since you're staring at the screen) but at least they get to see you! The world would be an awesome place if everyone could believe their family were happy to see them haha.

So yeah that's exactly what I've been doing, woke up at 1 and it's 4 now and I don't believe I'll be budging from my bed where I've strategically situated my laptop for maximum laziness. Not until I book in later tonight, that is. Sigh. So little of our weekends available to us (UNLESS YOU'RE AIRFORCE THAT IS!!) that I don't know what to do with it, and I end up not doing anything at all, which really isn't as bad as it sounds. At least I save $.

Life hasn't been doing much to me lately. Everything is so routine and all I think we're all becoming drones. Except of course for exciting tests and the like i.e. Chartwork test just yesterday which was destructive (for my ego) and also quite impossible. I think I'm becoming stupider haha, or maybe it's the paradoxical nature of tests in the SAF (I thought we were all garang soldiers) screwing around with me mind.

Also there's underway (equivalent of social night) which I have thus far been incapable of procuring a date for. Okay something interesting to add here. I just searched for the definition of procure online (I search for definitions of interesting words quite frequently how nerdy is that) and I came up with 1. To get by special effort; obtain or acquire 2. To bring about; effect AND 3. To obtain (a sexual partner) for another. (!!!!!!!!!) Most definitely not an innuendo I had intended lol.

Anyway. As I was saying I have no date which makes me ): so my contingency plan will have to kick in pretty soon. As a heads up to any of my female friends reading this.. I may just call one of you to have the absolute fortune! prestige! glamour! of being De's Date! Make that Desperate De's Date. Haha big sigh. You know a situation is terrible when the only thrill you get out of it is laughing at yourself. Dire indeed ):

Okay well nothing much else to add I guess. All the best ang for ezpz MCQs!

Monday 9 August 2010

We're Too Cynical To Weep.

Happy national day everybody.

Great not to have to book in today (ha ha woon shin.) An unprecedented gift of block leave for us, that's just too awesome for words.

Just finished watching 2 movies on my best friend Funshion, plus Inception last night. That makes up for the serious dearth of quality movie time no thanks to army. Caught WALL-E and Taipei Exchanges featuring the excellent Gui Lun Mei haha. Absolute crush on her she's perfect. So is Zhou Xun, just in a different way. Hahah. Anyway I was really looking forward to seeing how good WALL-E was gonna be and I was pleasantly surprised.

And Inception needless to say was epic. Christopher Nolan is like some evil genius messing with our heads. Best director ever. Freaking master of his craft. Very interesting concept and really makes your mind whir even after you leave the cinema. And DiCaprio, Ellen Page, JGL? Absolutely brilliant. I'd definitely watch it again if I have the time and am not too lazy to step out of home.

And Cobb actually gave me an answer to iDream. Whatever our subconscious conjures, it never can match up to reality. We'll never dream up anything as complex as an actual person, with all his/her perfections and imperfections. That's why dreams are never enough.

Would you, given the option, choose to live in dreams? My own answer is no. I can't say for certain why not. Maybe because dreams are merely a form of escapism and nobody wants to believe they have to resort to that. Why not? Because we were made to hope. We hope that one day things work out right. We hope that one day we'll turn our lives around. We hope and we hope. And if we choose to dream, that hope will never be realized, not in reality. Something like that, alot of random stuff trawling through my brain messing up my thought process haha.

Anyway one of my new favourite songs is My Iron Lung by Radiohead. I was listening to it over and over in camp (cause there's nothing else to do in there) and it's brilliant. My title is an adaptation of one of the lines that was stuck in my head for ages. Thom Yorke comes up with some terribly depressing lyrics. And there was one bit in Taipei Exchanges that oddly enough had this same theme.

We were innocent (you might say naive) in our youth. We'd do things out of the goodness of our little hearts and without regard for anything else. Now we're older and everything has taken on a decidedly darker tone. You'd do a good deed and people question your motives. Altruism isn't believed anymore. You'd want to do a good deed but there are other considerations in your mind, how would it be perceived, how would it reflect on you, you know what I'm saying yes? The world thinks that the spirit of charity is no longer existent and who's to say they're wrong?

Cynical and desensitized. That's what most of us have become in this day and age. But I guess you can't change the world, much as you'd like to. The only person you can change for sure with one hundred percent certainty is yourself. I read somewhere that many people are unaffected by images of war and death and suffering now, thanks to the myriad images of them flashed on their television screens. We're too cynical to weep, not over the suffering of others, not anymore.

Anyway here I am 2 dota games later, and I can't really recall what else I had in mind. Oh right one thing, rock climbing is really fun. And tough. I have new found respect for my brother srsly, he's like a legend on that wall while I'm like.... Magikarp. Flail, flail. One day I'll evolve into GYARADOS (!!) though, you just watch it. I want to do this every weekend though, hopefully my bookout timings permit this.

Oh well I guess it just won't do to overextend yourself. Sometimes... enough is enough. You do what you can, and whatever the outcome is, you can't fault yourself. Yeah.

Okay more dota and then NDP which I'm forced to watch cause I have to write reflections about it. Seriously can you believe that? Love the homework-army paradox. See ya guys around.

Sunday 1 August 2010

I'm Ready To Be Heartbroken.

Hi guys just thought it'd be cool to do an update while in camp. CAT 1 atm so not sure if there's gonna be swim cat later. Ohwell just enjoy the good times while it lasts. Finally gonna be stepping out of camp later today, hopefully at an agreeable time right after dinner or something.

Listening to Camera Obscura since my sister insists that I have to and that it's almost a crime if I don't. Actually quite good haha

OKAY. This was my post as I left it 2 days ago cause lightning struck and my desktop in camp blacked out. So I'm not as cool as I'd hoped to be cause I didn't get to do an update in camp. What a n00b.

It's been a tiring weekend and I feel fatigued even now. Really should have slept that first night at home, I'm feeling the lack acutely. And gotta book-in right about now too. GAH. Weekend wasn't very accomplishing sigh. Oh well bye bye =/

Monday 12 July 2010

You Came Along And You Cut Me Loose.

It's far too early in the day to be in a melancholic mood. And yet here I am, sigh. For a few weeks now I've been stuck on the topic of regret. How many regrets do you have? Big ones, small ones. I have my fair share. And yet what is the point? Or maybe the more pertinent question to ask is how can anyone's regret be valid since nobody knows how things would have turned out otherwise? Since we all only live once, how can we know which of the choices we've ever made were the right ones or not? For all we know all the decisions we've made have been the wiser ones, although of course the inverse is likely to be true as well. If you choose the wrong option in an MCQ then yes, you might regret it cause you were wrong, but in life, you can never know how right or how wrong you are, it's never an absolute, an unshakeable fact.

But regret does serve a purpose. If we do not experiece it we would not learn from our (perceived) mistakes. If we were immune to it we'd go through life and make decisions with hardly a care for their consequences.

I think my point is that it's only natural to feel regret. But don't indulge in it, succumb to it, wallow in it and drown in it. I think that's it.

I think I might take a nap, before watching the world cup later. Although the outcome has never been in doubt (Spain duh), I still gotta watch it. The thought of 3 weeks of confinement coming up is just dreadful. I didn't even feel this sian about enlistment. Sigh. Too lethargic to start packing and all yet, right at this moment I am woefully unprepared for tomorrow. Ohwells.

Note: A few hours and a few dota games later, here I am and I have packed! Very efficient man, this de yan.

Okkkkkkkkk gotta rev myself up for the world cup later. On a sidenote bucky (the cat from the comic) is quite hilarious about this world cup. I shall now read my book (a very good book) while waiting with barely contained excitement. Actually no............... I'm totally dreading the morning BIG SIGH!

Goodbye for now, enjoy watching Spain win guys! See ya'll in 3 weeks!

EDIT: OH forgot to mention how despicably cute Despicable Me is, do catch it guys it's awesome! It's so fluffy!

Wednesday 7 July 2010

Don't You Just Love Goodbyes.

Well hi, just thought I'd check in for a bit. Don't really have much time cause I'm supposed to go get a phone with my parents anytime now, and maybe some dim sum(!!) too. It's just great to not have to pay for your meals when you're out with your parents. Soothe my aching wallet. Unfortunately had to resort to borrowing from my mom some money to tide over this week, which hopefully will be spent happily reveling in the joys of civilian life. I have made no detailed plans on how to effect this, instead I'm content to go with the flow and do whatever I want. Which usually means I stay at home and DOTA all day, since I'm too lazy to ask people out or stuff like that.

So yeah. I guess some pretty significant stuff like POP and deciding to sign on. "Why!" you may cry. Foremost is the overseas scholarship. I've always wanted to study overseas but never to the extent where I actually went in search of scholarships I was eligible for. But now with the opportunity for a scholarship from the SAF it was pretty hard to resist. The length of bond I have to sign is pretty much equivalent to one I'd have to sign with any firm that sponsored my overseas studies, and who's to say I'd prefer the private sector to the military one? So the loss of freedom that has everyone so worried is something I was willing to accept cause it's the norm for overseas scholarships, army or otherwise.

As of now I am also financially independent of my parents. No more pocket money, no more school fees, basically I'm on my own unless I'm in dire straits. It's something that has to happen sooner or later for everyone, so why not sooner and ease the burden off my parents? It's about time they got to enjoy their own lives rather than be providing for us all the time. Now they no longer have to worry about me one bit.

There's also the fact that up till now I have no issues with army life. They feed me clothe me lodge me and now they're gonna pay me (more) too. It's almost a dream come true! Since I could never see myself in the private sector anyway, signing on isn't exactly robbing me of my freedom and restricting my options till I'm 30 or something, as I've never had that many options in the first place, or at least none I'd ever considered seriously. In fact I think it gives me some direction in life, cause once you know your path is set for the next 10 years, then you have no choice but to do your best for that next 10 years. Rather than just bumming around waiting for purpose and direction to hit me in the head and lodge themselves there.

Oh and about overseas studies, all the best to those who are off to study in australia or wherever. Of course, all the best to those studying locally too, it's no less important hah. So. To poixin, hope you're settling in well and making many friends, maybe some of them might have normal sounding names. Don't forget us or not we will OOC (Out Of Circle) you like jialong. LOL. To xintong who will be going soon, go enjoy yourself there, study hard and have fun too. We haven't talked much for months but I will be sorry to see you leave. You will be missed.

It seems I've hit a brick wall, and I'm not sure if there's anything left to do. Mayhaps I'm trying too hard, I don't know. Sometimes one just can't be contented to let things be and to see how things go. Lazy mentality, but maybe the appropriate one to take now? Sigh. What a quandary.

Okay whole family woken up by now, maybe time for one dota game before leaving! Hey ho, let's go!

Friday 28 May 2010

To Have Someone To Go Home To.

Hullo guess who's back with a brand new rap?

It's been ages, yeah. Well life's been decent, not feeling too happy with myself lately though, the only boost being the IPPT results. It's like I could have done so much more with myself, but I haven't. It's like I'm not the person I should have turned out to be. Pity.

Not that I'm bashing myself, my ego practically prohibits that from ever happening, just a little disappointed, for some odd reason I have not unearthed, these few weeks. Oh well. Thank goodness this was a short week, cause I was feeling really down and out the whole week, and thursday couldn't have come sooner. But this is life, as usual booking out late, probably the latest ferry leaving tekong again. Sux2bme.

Some coincidences happen in such a way that the label coincidence just doesn't seem to sit nicely. Cosmic intervention? A divine hand? Sure hope so. Can I ignore it? I probably could but I sure hope I don't, this is practically guns blazing in my face. Hmm. We'll give it some more thought but I have my tentative plan of action. Hehe.

Anyway in case anyone is mistaken, I am actually quite happy with life as an NSF, it's been a pretty enjoyable ride thus far, and I presume it's going to carry on along those lines, or maybe even get better! (earlier bookouts maybe?!)

I'm going to start planning my post-ORD trip too. Hahah I know it seems far-fetched but I need to know how much money I have to save and other nitty gritty details like that. South-east Asia here I come! Well, in 2 years time or so :/

It's cool how I'm not tired after reaching home, it's already like 5 hours past bedtime back at home sweet tekong. Feels good to just relax and do nothing. Awesome. Of course, probably feels better to be out doing something non-military instead of just nothing, but I'll settle for this anyday.

Oh yeah and I'm considering buying like an MP3 or iPod or something I'm not too familiar with those kind of gadgets. My songs have ALWAYS come from my handphones. Yes, I know. Big 18year old handsum macho man like me, never owning an Mp3/iPod/Whatevermusicplayer device before?! Yeah it's true. But if I'm gonna live with this crap phone for the next 2 years, it seems like a rather good investment to make. And the earlier I make this investment the more worthwhile it gets too. Maybe some shopping over this long weekend. Yahoo. Mr Splurger.

And touch tomorrow at 10am. Hopefully army discipline kicks in and I don't end up oversleeping. Fat hope eh? But I'm not a pangseh kia, AND I NEVER WILL BE! So you can count on me being there tomorrow yahoo. Alright I think that should be all now.

We'll see about tomorrow, or the day after yeah? Here we go!

Friday 23 April 2010

A Distant Ship Smoke On The Horizon.

Naw, don't have much to say. Just want to make the most of this internet I'm enjoying at the moment. Only 6 days more to enlistment and it does feel sort of odd, that in a week's time I'll be living a life totally different from what I'm living now. I haven't kept myself fit too, uh oh.

Well anyway, watched Youth in Revolt today and it was pretty good. Toyed with the idea of watching another movie right after that but decided to come home instead. Lack of funds definitely cramping my style. I mean dinner is free at home, that's more than enough reason to go home asap.

I owe ws 80 bucks my mom $200 and my dad $50. What a terrible state of affairs. Still got to get through another 6 days with what limited money I have access to. Doesn't life make you sad sometimes? ):

Been re-reading the Lecter books thanks to the boring job I had, and I think it's even better than the first time I read them, maybe cause I was maybe a bit young for the themes back then, sort of like reading dreamcatcher at sec 1. You're absolutely clueless. But that's the great worth of owning books, instead of merely borrowing them. You can re-read them anytime you like. Awesome or?

I have a sort of rough sketch in my mind of what to do with monthly army allowances. $150 (maybe less, probably) for family, that leaves me maybe $250. If I spend $50 a weekend reveling in my freedom, that leaves $50. Could get maybe 2 books a month, totally get me started on my book collection. Wonder if I should get any kind of membership, and if so which store? Borders, Kinokuniya, PageOne, Popular/Harris, Time? Oh well a problem for the future, assuming I do put aside 50 bucks for books a month.

Still wanna catch Shutter Island and Kick-Ass. The other films aren't mandatory, and I don't think I have too much time left either. Not watching over the weekend thanks to the exorbitant pricing, that leaves me monday and tuesday. 'Tis terrible.

Oh and a friend's recent developments have quite astounded me and I'm very happy for her too. Who knows what the future might bring, but who cares, just enjoy the moment while it lasts. And hopefully it does last. I hope my advice worked out well despite my own lack of experience in that field. Hahah.

I want to get new boots but I can't seem to find any that looks nearly awesome enough. Hey if I'm spending 80-100 bucks it better look darn good, since I'm not exactly gonna use it very often. But my current one's problem is twofold. First, it's UGLY. Next, it's LOUSY. High time for some change. Maybe 6 months later I'd have managed to finally clear my debts and be able to afford some boots.

But my paycheck hasn't arrived yet, which is distinctly upsetting. I want to be able to top up my card, for instance, without begging my parents for money. It somehow makes you feel less of a man to see the damn ATM state, Ledger Balance: $1.26. Ouch.

Well I've been sitting here on my sofa not typing for the past 15 mins. Did I ever mention how awesome my sofa is? Well if I did, here's a reminder! It is ze best. Anyway I've been sort of staring at my title, which is a line from Pink Floyd. And I guess sometimes it's better to get off and walk away. And keep walking. And when you finally turn your head, for that one last glance, that's what you see. Smoke, like an illusion, rising out of the waters far off on the horizon where the sky and sea come together perfectly.

And that's when you know. That ship didn't stop for you and it will never come back for you. There is nothing left to do but to resume your interminable walk and never look back. Random thought of the day: Everybody is walking away from something, trying to leave something behind. Dunno where that came from sounds like it could be a book or movie, and I don't know if it's true or not either, but just decided to type it out since what the heck right?

Anyway my brain seems to have dried up or something. Can't seem to conjure up words to stories, a few of which are lurking around somewhere. There's the one about the train, the one about technology, the one about a love left dry, and also one more which I just thought up but slipped my mind. Odd.

Well for someone with nothing much to say I've been going on too long. Guess that's that.

Monday 19 April 2010

Let The Clocks Be Reset And The Pendulums Held.

Tick tick tick tick tick.

You feel time slipping away like grains of sand through the fingers you desperately try to keep tightly together. Before you can comprehend it, seasons change and an age is past. Goodbye, childhood. Fare thee well, youth.

Wouldn't it be dandy if we could erase the pages of our lives and start writing again from chapter one?

I'm not dreading enlisting into army. But it is one more step that the inexorable pull of time demands of us, and what can we do about that? What happened to "I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul"? Guess not.

Well, hadn't really the time to post anything since my malaysia trip, so it's not so fresh in my mind now. I really enjoyed it and I think the decision to go alone was the right one. I was quite the burden, wetting camera, losing clothes etc, but on the whole the trip was a great learning experience. Traveling gives you perspective you'd never otherwise have. It offers you something you'd never obtain confined within our shores.

I discovered a remarkable ability to not think. I could walk for hours on end in Penang, or KL and not think of anything substantial at all. My mind is curiously empty, and I think that's great. It's not that I think bad thoughts and awful stuff all the time, nothing of the sort, but it's good to just walk along untroubled and un-plagued by your mind. Just enjoy the sights and sounds, and the pleasure of a good long walk. I would upload photos but I don't seem to have a memory card holder/reader/whatever thing in this laptop. Bummer.

Well I had to cut short my trip as I had wet my camera, but truth be told I was probably also running out of money. Overspend much? Almost 100rm/day which is well above the 70-80 I had hoped for. Anyway.

And I know now for sure solitude is no problem for me. Sure, I knew before that I enjoyed and even needed to be alone sometimes. Now I know the extent of that enjoyment. That's not to say that being with and around friends is bad. Quite the contrary. Even in malaysia I was only too happy to establish contact with anyone I could catch online when I managed to get internet. I don't prefer being alone to being with friends, but I needed to know that I can be.

I've never been much of a friend person. Not the social sort. In the sense that, if you were to think "friend" my name probably wouldn't pop up immediately. And I'm not the kind of guy you'd meet up with to catch up and stuff. And in recent months I think I'm drifting away further than ever. In my quest for independence I might have stumbled upon isolation.

And I've also managed to alienate a friend. I'm not sure if at this point there is any friendship left at all. I'm not sorry. It seriously wouldn't matter to me much if this friendship were to cease to exist. I'm aware of my flaws and one of them is pride. I have too much pride to back down, I freely admit that. I'm aware I always think I'm right, but then again who doesn't? But if this friend thinks I would hurl insults freely just because I enjoy it and want to put her down, she's got another think coming. Why would I make baseless accusations for the heck of it? If I say it I probably mean it. And if she wouldn't rectify the problem she was causing, I'm not changing my stance either. Pride. De Yan at his vengeful prideful best.

Done with the rage.

Tioman was pretty good too, although VERY EXPENSIVE?! One night at the place (read: resort) costs almost as much as my total accommodation expenses in 9 days of traveling. Wish I had brought my camera along as the water had probably cleared from the lens by then. The trip was a little too short though, would have been great to spend one more night there. Although another 96rm would have been far too much for my wallet to handle.

But you know, crab catching, trying to wake woonshin and jialong up, snorkeling and stuff like that, that was mighty good fun. Waking up like 1209321987 times by the alarm but seeing neither of my beloved roommates stir at all, that's what I call life man.

And because I owe people money after that trip, I was so very happy to work again, although that meant I had to miss the match. But I mean, the easiest job in my life at $7/hr? Hit me baby one more time. Ticketing at Boatasia meant I could spend long periods of time reading my book or chatting with colleagues. I read probably close to 200 pages of Red Dragon sitting snugly behind my counter. And a fair bit of Silence of the Lambs. Free meals and they don't deduct your mealbreak either. It was a breeze. Of course, at a boating event for the mega-rich you meet a few people who are quite used to getting their way, but they were manageable.

And getting to go on a yacht? Priceless. Yeah I sound like a Citibank ad or something. But seriously. I stepped onto a boat worth 3.5 million US dollars, checked out its cabins, bathroom, upper deck, navigation panel, lounge, kitchen etc. And after that was a 3 storied boat with a karaoke lounge among other super-luxurious amenities. And of course hot babes showing us around the boat. I mean, WHAT MORE COULD ONE WANT FROM A JOB?! Before stepping onto one I was thinking no way I'd ever buy a boat even if I had that sort of money, but I never expected those boats/yachts to be THAT extravagant. Oh well. The insane lifestyles of the mega-rich.

I guess that pretty much brings us up to speed with the happenings in my life. Oh yeah there was also liyan's birthday which brought me to the highest I'd ever been in Orchard road, the 24th storey pool of the Hilton hotel. Mighty fine, that. Yeah that's about it.

I intend to watch a few movies currently showing. Youth in Revolt, Shutter Island, Kick-Ass maybe, Crossing Hennessey also maybe, and maybe others too. But that should just about sum it up. Byebye, paycheck.

Lazy afternoon, yeah? See ya'll.

Tick tick tick tick tick tock.


Monday 29 March 2010

Adieu.

Shucks I'm awake too late. Gotta wake up at 8.30 tomorrow ohnoes. Anyway byebye singapore, for now. And I won't be seeing any of you in the next 10 days or so, so take care and farewell! Can call me but it's 50c per minute so spare a thought for my already cashless state! See ya boys and girls.

Sunday 28 March 2010

Rear Our Ugly Heads.

Procrastination is truly horrible. I never expected myself to only complete my uni applications today, I don't know what I could have been doing the past few days, nay, weeks. What a complete useless slob.

Truth be told I've done nothing of note the last few days, on a personal level that is. Of course I've been meeting up with various groups of friends for different reasons which is always great, but I myself have been rather pathetic lately. Except for that inspired $60 I spent on 4 books at the borders sales.

Then again, it doesn't sound quite so inspiring now that the $60 seems so significant to me now, when my wallet is almost completely emptied. And yes, that includes everything inside (read: POSB + EZ-link + Coin Compartment) I freely admit I'm quite broke now. Meh.

Also I've been increasingly impatient these past few days. My temper is fraying with the slightest provocation, at times. It's very.. irritating. I don't know if anyone noticed it but apologies nonetheless. I really annoy myself when I'm in these moods. So unreasonable this man. Not very nice at all.

Ohwell. Maybe I try and catch up on my sleep (read also: no funshion for me tonight!) and stop me from snapping my head off. Then I'll complete my applications tomorrow with all the posting and stuff. And finalize my trip. 3 weeks of sloth catches up with me tomorrow and it's going to be legendary.

What would you have me do now? I think I know what I should or should not do. I only wonder if I'll be able to stick by it. Litter a few words and sow some confusion. Tch.

Well should be my last post before I leave, so bye bye for some 10 days now! Have fun, whoever, in school (sucks I know) in tekong (sucks I know) or wherever :D

Thursday 18 March 2010

Insomnia@7am

Who ever heard of being insomniac at 7am? I can't sleep. I know if I don't I'm totally going to be a wreck later. How to watch movie like that? Sure sleep. To sleep or not to sleep? Funny thing, as soon as I turn on the comp and sit on the chair I start yawning, once I lie down and attempt to journey to dreamland I'm wide awake. True story.

sux2bme. And the title using @ is cool isn't it? Looks like some spanking new condo's name too. I think it'd be wise for me to sleep. Deprivation getting to me. But I won't give up so easily. Persistent is my middle name. They call me Chuan De (The) Persistent Yan. Cool or what? Yahoo. So, I'm gonna try and sleep once more! Hopefully, goodnight! (morning?) (confusion!) (sux2bme):

Edit@9.20am: Haha I didn't actually try to sleep again. I was going to until youtube and sogou conspired to assail my poor eardrums and now I'm happily downloading music instead of trying to sleep! Isn't that odd? In view of this vile conspiracy, I have decided to abandon initial plan and move on to plan b, not sleeping at all. Hurrah.

I'd ask you why you were awake. I'd enjoy talking to you. But I probably enjoy it a little too much, so I won't. But wouldn't it be nice? Beach Boys are awesome. Youtube is awesome.

I think I should leave house soon lest I'm tempted by my bed. Maybe grab a cuppa coffee somewhere. Yewtee 24hours mac now my best friend after lousy prata shop was found out to be closed. McCafe let's go!

In Love With Being In Love

Hi. Here am I typing this entry on my brother's spanking new comp with the 23 inch monitor. It is seriously huge. I am intimidated by its sheer size. Give me good old small monitors any day. I probably have to crane my neck to play dota on this comp. Haven't posted in a long time, mostly cause I'm not doing anything myself. Funshion being my new best friend, all I'm doing is watching movies until maybe 10am everyday and then waking up in the evening only to realize there isn't time for me to do anything. Too late to go out, too late to inform my maid I'm eating dinner outside, too late for anything. It's like a trap.

I'll go down to Bras Basah tomorrow to visit tecman, cause I'm tired of not having a life. Then I'll watch Up In The Air somewhere, probably GV cause I have that free ticket. Sounds like a plan. I haven't applied anywhere yet and I'm quite annoyed with myself. I'll never go to malaysia at this rate. And also I'm going to eat roti prata later in the night, maybe at 4+. Wanted to do it last night but by the time my movie ended it was 5 something, and my maid was gonna get up to prepare breakfast anyway. Later. It's a date with myself.

I'm not sure why I'm so bent on going to malaysia myself. From the time I started thinking about it I knew I was going alone. And I know it'll probably be lots of fun to go with someone else, as many people have pointed out to me. But I don't know. I'm not sure if I need time alone, or if I'm out to prove something to myself. Maybe I want to show myself that I can enjoy being alone. I used to enjoy it. And then I got tired of it. Really tired. And now, it's time for me to rediscover that joy. That ability to be on my own, again. I think I'll enjoy the trip by myself, long bus rides, random sightseeing, eating good food. Next week, I hope. I think maybe tuesday or wednesday, sometime midweek. Oh yeah and I still have to borrow a backpack and make other preparations, which sucks cause I don't know why I'm procrastinating like that.

Prata waiting for me at the end of this post. Too bad there are still things I have to get off my mind.

It's dangerous to fall in love. Or to fall in love with the idea of love. With being in love. The idea that someone belongs to you. I don't mean that in the possession kind of way. It's like you know someone will be there for you. Someone is thinking of you. Something like that. And I think it's easy to fall in love with that idea. Cause loneliness is so tiresome. Then it becomes so easy to rush into things, because you're not looking for a special someone to fill that void, you're looking for just anyone. And when there are two people equally intoxicated by that idea, maybe true love doesn't have to exist, not for them.

I'm not sure what I'm getting at here. But I don't want to be the person who's merely infatuated with that idea of love. I don't want to get together with somebody just for the sake of getting together with somebody. It is tempting, is it not?

Enough of that. Anyway that reminded me that my brother recently just came up to me and told me I was a loser for not having a girlfriend yet. Quote :Wah you damn loser leh. Very supportive kind of brother. I told him that ya leh, actually quite loser. Hahah. Brotherly love indeed.

If someone does the right thing but with the wrong intentions, is it correct? I don't know. I suspect it's wrong, cause I think intent is important. Because sometimes your intentions do not come across in your actions, but the fact is that the intent was there, and I think that's significant. Sometimes people with good intentions don't do good things, then you condemn the action, not the person. So I think I'll stop, cause I know my intentions aren't exactly selfless.

This totally brings to mind an episode of House which I felt (of course, it's House) was pretty awesome. It was about this guy who suffered some brain damage so he had no control over what he was saying. As soon as he had a thought, he said it out loud. And his wife was pretty pissed at him for some of the things he said. Because some of the things you think aren't nice at all. But I think the wife didn't get it. Most people probably think that what a person thinks reveals his true self. I think that's wrong. You can think bad thoughts but choose not to say it so that nobody is hurt by what you said. Are you a bad person for thinking those thoughts? No, you're a good person cause you chose not to say it out, cause you understand the repercussions of what you might say. That man with a fully functional brain was a man who chose not to hurt the people around him by saying what he thought. You don't have a choice what your brain conjures up. Not fully you don't. But you have a choice whether to voice it or not. And I think you should judge a man by the choices he makes, rather than anything involuntary like what his brain chooses to think. Unreasonable wife, really.

And that stupid funshion is keeping me off my tv shows. Spending every hour of my day (or night) at home on the comp and I haven't even caught up with any of my shows. I'm a useless sloth, really. And a loser for having this lifestyle in the first place. Oh well. Prata time.

I don't think I should. But it is tempting, is it not?

Monday 8 March 2010

No More Sorrow Tomorrow.

Hi reader. You may be lost and confused, sad and depressed. (Whether you show it or not.) Don't worry. Some rough patches are meant to be endured, and one day everything will turn out alright. Just hang on and stay strong for now. Don't regret what you could have done or what you should have done. Don't ever regret trying, no matter how it seems like your effort isn't working out. Never give up. You have friends who will stick by you, and what strength we have we will lend you, so stay strong.

Sunday 28 February 2010

If You Care Too Much You Bare Too Much

Rather tired. Took a nap just now like 3-4 hours long after reaching home so I can't fall asleep just yet. Homecoming just now was pretty fun for the little bit that we played, but also quite cui during contact. Now I'm itching and aching and cut and bruised and grazed everywhere. Oh and burnt. And gonna have to change bedsheet cause of all the bloodstains. What's new.

And it's hard to imagine results coming out in a week. Shucks. Well don't worry about it guys, what's done is done, so don't lose any sleep over it. Results aren't everything anyway. And since I'm on the topic I'd like to protest this supposed meritocracy. We're all human we shouldn't be judged based on numbers and alphabets. You're not any less of a human just cause you're BCC instead of AAA. If you're 20 points instead of 6. Merits aren't based on academic results alone. Stupid system honestly. So if you're a CDD or a DEE or whatever you're not a failure, you're just a victim of a stupid system.

I have to stay awake until my sis comes home. I have no idea what time she'll be back. And I don't feel like playing dota. So maybe I'll just ramble on.

Well finally unemployed. I had no idea how taxing working is. Seriously. I work I come home I sleep I get up I work again. Hardly any time for anything at all. Now that I'm free from that hellish 8.30-6 1 to 5, I shall rediscover life. All the movies I claimed I'd definitely watch I didn't. Those that are still showing on silver screen I'll go watch. Those that aren't I'll pirate. Aye. And finally can get to read again. Books are food for your soul and I'm malnourished. Give my soul BMI 5000 I don't care.

A little too much free time though. I'm thinking of going overseas I don't know if I could do it alone. Backpacking sounds good maybe if I decide on a place I can start some planning. No idea whether I'll be able to do it. Or if I have the funds. Being unemployed has the decidedly unsavoury drawback of having no income, and that's a very bad sad thing. I don't want to take money from mom or dad anymore and this month's paycheck gonna be pathetic. So if I'm gonna be broke then backpacking not viable. Oh well maybe after army. Anyway I've just come to the conclusion that no way am I gonna be wasting my days away at home everyday. No more whole day dota. If it means I have to nip out for lunch/dinner then sure. Self-sufficiency is good!

Independence always good yeah? Maybe not. For without interdependence there can be no friendship, relationship, or any other kind of ship. Can you ever be truly independent? Would that be a good thing or a bad thing? If you realize one day that you are absolutely independent is that cause for rejoice or regret? It's rather scary isn't it to know that you don't have to count on anyone at all, that's sort of monstrous isn't it. And it's rather sad to know that nobody depends on you at all, anymore, isn't it. Then you are nothing, you're just a random bum. A random bum with a keyboard. Sometimes you want people to depend on you so you know you mean something. Otherwise, you don't. You don't mean anything to anyone.

And the Reservoir will no longer find me a willing volunteer.

For happiness to be complete sometimes you have to deceive even yourself. It doesn't matter how happy you appear to the world if you cannot make yourself believe that you are happy. So go ahead and lie away. Lie to yourself as you lie to the world. Complete the illusion. I hope you're happy, too.

Okay no more strength to continue. Shall sleep. Goodnight.

Tuesday 23 February 2010

Darling Don't Despair.

Hold on to what you've got, even if suddenly it seems to grow thorns. Don't let go, someday you will find the pain is worth it. Wounds heal, but what you let go may never come back again. So just be strong and hang on. Make it work, yeah? It's not easy but you're gonna do it.

Kings Of Leon - On Call

She said call me now baby,
And I'd come a running,
She said call me now baby,
And I'd come a running,
If you'd call me now baby,
I'd come a running

I'm on call,
So be there,
One and all
To be there,
When I fall,
To pieces,
Don't you know,
I'll be there waiting

I'm gonna brawl
So be there,
One for all,
Be there,
When they fall,
To pieces,
Don't you know,
I'll be there laughing

I'll come a running,
I come a running,
I've come a running,

Be there!

I'm on call
So be there

I'm on call to be there!

I'll be cheering you from the sidelines.

Saturday 20 February 2010

Half Cup Empty, Half Cup Fool.

So you sometimes, ever the eternal optimist, believe in how everything is gonna turn out alright. That behind that corner lurks something beautiful and wondrous. Sometimes you're wrong and in fact there's a monster / a mugger / a murderer waiting for you just around that bend. And in an instant your hopes are dashed / your pockets are emptied / your throat is slit. And that will teach you to be wary to be cautious to fear and to not go in head held high. And the way life works, if you think something is going wrong for whatever reason, then it probably is, cause life is just a series of disasters, one after another. Because sometimes nothing ever turns out alright and your optimism doesn't help. In fact, it just might make things worse.

So don't be a half cup fool and go about with that belief in all things beautiful or you'll end up with nothing but your cup full of tears. And we don't want that do we?

I'm no cynic. This is just a post to all those things gone sour, to all those times you expected good but ended up guttered. To hopes dashed and dreams destroyed. To that terrible sinking feeling you get when it all finally goes wrong. You know what I'm talking about.

As a sidenote, I find cynics and skeptics to be among the most irritating people in existence, mostly cause of their presumed superiority and air of condescension. Just saying.

See ya.

Sunday 14 February 2010

V-day Dismay!

Hi, go out there and spend your v-day with the ones you love.

I'm going to church in the morning (ohnoes, 6am?!) and then going to my grandma's place for dinner I think. Isn't CNY just the perfect excuse to not have a valentine!

Just got my salary never seen 4 figures in my bank account before! But it's not gonna last long. See, 110 goes to tithing, 400 to return my dad, 300 to my mom and putting aside 400 for next month's usage, that leaves me... I think 5 dollars. Maybe I treat myself to a plate of wanton mee or something. At least I have ~450 in my CPF so I can pay for my kids' uni education yey!

Okay I'm supposed to wear handsum tmr to church and boy am I the right person to personify handsum! Maybe if my grandma sees this handsumboi she'll just de-age 50 years Benjamin Button-style. So good to know I get to spend v-day with my ego!

Hi, go out there and love the ones you spend your v-day with.

Saturday 6 February 2010

Unmasqued.

Did you put on your mask today? When you went out and faced the world what did the world see? Your face? Or were you hiding yet again under one of your myriad masks.

I think everybody wears masks. But it's not deceitful or anything it's perfectly natural. And different masks when they're with different people. Don't you feel like you behave differently when you're with different groups of friends? And haven't you seen others behave totally differently when they're not around you? You say two-face? I say nay, not even close. It just happens. Maybe it's to do with the expectation and assumptions of your friends, say, they think you're this kind of person so when you're with them you are, while with another group they think differently, and you conform too.

So who is the real you? All of them or none of them? If your personality if based on how you think others view you then it's not genuine is it? Or maybe the real you is a combination of all those masks, somewhere in between. If so then maybe no one ever gets to see the real you? Good thing or bad thing? Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe the real you isn't very nice at all, hence all these masks. And maybe love is when you meet someone whom you have no need to wear a mask in front of. Or maybe love is when you meet someone whom you're willing to put up this awesome mask for, all the time. So if the person does not love you it either means you're really hideous, really. Or your awesome mask isn't so awesome after all and you probably suck big time.

Sometimes you even drive people to run away from you. Maybe they see the real you and decide shit let's do an usain bolt. What do you do then? So maybe you never let anyone see the real you and you hide behind your masks and your walls. Sometimes you're looking everywhere for something to blame but the answer is right in front of you, if you would only care to look in a mirror. And even sleep now is no escape. I can't help but think when I'm awake but now my dreams are haunted even. Nobody likes to be reminded of their failings but everyday without fail I remind myself, consciously or even subconsciously. It sucks to wake up feeling like crap cause of the dream you dreamt. You can't even control it. Traitor brain. Traitor heart.

What happens when you know you're a loser? What steps do you take to be a winner? Oh well been wanting to write a story for a while but I'm feeling awful so maybe next time. Don't hurt yourself in anticipation. I'm going to dota.

Tuesday 2 February 2010

:D

Today started off bad ): First I woke up late then I was so satisfied with myself for buying the fruits and then what? I GOT FLAMED FOR BUYING SO LITTLE!!!!!!!!!!! BY EVERYONE!!!!!!! ):):):):):): Now you all think back and say, wah de yan so smart buy so little. Seriously. So. Smart.

Although it was such a sad beginning ): it quickly got better! (: After (too much) food cheating touch opponents and lousy frisbee players..... We had an incredible camwhore session! INCREDIBLE. Is it possible we've turned gay! Yay! :D:D (note the many gay smilies)

Anyway dinner and lepak after that was good too. Many thanks guys and girls for a great day! No octagon or whatever other rip-offs, circle is win!

After that I went to cathay to find S14 and celebrate jianwen and chinting's birthday. Haven't met any of my classmates since probably prom. But it was fun we just sat there and kjw for a bit before leaving for home since the pool place is closed for renovation.

All in all an awesome day with awesome people! Work tomorrow. And I'm supposed to wake up at 5+ so that I can send zhikai off with the rest. Guess I'm not sleeping that would be a bad idea. Gonna have to survive on coffee and willpower for the whole day. Working till 9. Wonder if there's gonna be mahjong after that.

I don't really feel like sleeping just yet anyway, and I've had this thought bouncing around my head for a while. Not gonna be elaborate just trying to flesh it out.

Let's Brick Up

He's thinking of what she said. "Let's brick up." He doesn't understand but there's nothing he can do. He is dazed and confused and hurt and upset and angry and sad. Very sad. He lays the first slab. By doing that he realizes he's going to do as she says, and he's going to complete what he's started. He lays the second, and third brick. He hums softly, sadly, under his breath, the tune to a love song that he can no longer hear without also hearing her voice. The first layer is complete. That one line of Hey Jude is put on repeat in his head. "Take a sad song, and make it better." Na na na nananana, nananana, hey JUDE! It doesn't seem so difficult now, the bricks seem to have gotten lighter somehow. And there he goes, layer upon layer. And then his feet are doing a little jig, and his head is bobbing to the tune of I Am The Walrus! Goo goo g'joob! And then he begins giggling and is laughing so hard he drops a brick or two. He can barely contain his mirth. It's all making perfect sense to him and everything feels so... right, somehow. It is the last layer now and he has to go up on tiptoes and struggle to lay each brick. And like a machine he continues brick after brick because it doesn't matter anymore. Not his sadness or his happiness or anything. He set the last brick and then nothing mattered anymore. His wall of bricks set in mortar and tears was complete and nothing could get at him. The world and none of the people in it could affect him now. "Let's brick up," she said.

The end.


It randomly occurred to me how break up sounds like brick up and how fitting the similarity was. When you break up with someone you distance yourself and put layers between you and the other person. You stop seeing each other. That's one layer. Stop contacting each other. That's another layer. And slowly you build up this wall this chasm that's impossible to surmount. And it's a good thing too, cause that wall protects you. If you never get out you never get hurt and that's a good thing, no? But then sometimes you meet someone who just oh so casually tears down your carefully constructed walls and then oh so casually tears you apart and then leaves. That's life.

And oh no i'm very tired all of a sudden what if i sleep and don't wake up in half an hour and don't send zk off? and then skip work yet again oh no i have one day of work ahead of me. i think i shall leave house early to get some coffee at bbmac my old haunt. and i'm wondering why that bag? like a taunt. haha you tried and you failed. damn sian i don't get it. oh well mr clean up has to clean up his own mess now.

Okay my brother is waking up now he has to go to school I'll go bathe and leave the house soon cause I'm gonna fall asleep anytime. Good morning goodbye.

Thursday 28 January 2010

A Safe Asylum From The Pouring Rain.

I walked home and it was raining and it felt great until I sneezed. Then I felt not so great and more like sick.

So sleepy, really tired but fun day nonetheless. I set 2 alarms for 5 and 5.05 so I won't miss bbss dinner later. I was falling asleep at market during lunch and I'm falling asleep now. Bye.

Sunday 24 January 2010

Tuesday 19 January 2010

And Love Is Just A Lyric In A Children's Rhyme.

A soundbite. This line from keane just popped up and refused to go away. And is it any wonder that I'm tired? Great lyrics, I daresay.

I had this most emo walk home. If there were a competition for emo walks mine would walk out with Mr Personality, Mr Congeniality and of course the Grand Title of EMO WALK OF ALL TIME itself. Cool or?

Methinks I am a shrimp. In your estimation, no doubt. Or mayhaps a fly. Okay just imagine something absolutely inconsequential, and that its (yeah its so inconsequential and puny don't bother imagining a gender for it) name is de yan. And then imagine you just brush it off. Okay that's nowhere near colourful enough a description. You crush it and trample it and never look back. Maybe abit too strong a desicription, but it serves well enough. Okay so you've just done all that. Yey you! GJ.

You are godzilla, I am japan! You are steamroller, I am retard cockroach on the road looking for 1-hit-KO! Yey me!

I guess not so much emo as angry hey? I'm so very angry at myself. My goddamn subconscious for betraying me, gj! Please throw up more dreams to trip me up next time much appreciated love muchies. And then I was thinking again (!) and suddenly got irritated at someone. In fact trying to shift the blame. Exercise in futility, no? So I'll let this irritation pass and not let it affect anything. Dunno why I'm pointlessly seeking to deflect the blame and to distribute the fault on my shoulders. If I think past my pride for just one second I realize the problem is me. Was me. Whatever.

I was just thinking how prideful I was. Cocky and arrogant and irritating. That was a long time ago. I thought I put it behind me but always there's that prideful man lurking around. I say man I mean boy. Pride is so childish. Pride directing your actions and your thoughts. So afraid of being ashamed you don't do anything of note. Too late for regrets, no?

Okay I'm getting tired. Work in the morning tmr yahoo. Everyday now so same yet so different, going to work and eating after work, so much comfort in repetition. People like order in their lives. School. Or work. Or even contracts! These are things that you have to commit yourself to and are pretty much out of your control. It's nice sometimes for things to be out of your control. Mindless machines, mayhaps. But happy, content ones. That's why school was so awesome. Since you had to go to school everyday anw you made the most out of it, and the result (I hope) was awesome. Now work, its monotony is even bleaker. Imagine your life. And the next 40 years of it. Doing. The. Same. Thing. Makes you want to go insane, if only just to spice your life up.

I think I could go insane. Not the you know, in your face abrasive kind of insane. More the sort of loopy omg-what-randomness-is-he-gonna-perform-next kind of insane, the kind that doesn't hurt or offend the people around you. At the very least nobody will ever have any sort of idea of what to expect from you. Expectation bad. Letting person be himself good. And does an insane person know he's insane? So oft asked, but will we ever get an answer? It's a downright mystery, it is. If an insane person says he knows he's insane, can you trust him? Or is he just messing with you? Or is his brain messing with him? Sometimes I wish that, you know maybe later in life after accomplishing everything I wanted to, I'd just go insane, if only to answer this question cause who likes living life without any answers? Then again who likes living life with all the answers? Too tired to try and think deep I'll stop here.

So tired. Don't want to think. So tired. Goodnight.