All Alone.

Close your eyes and see
When there ain't no light
All you'll ever be
Come and save the night
Cuz I don't leave
When the morning comes it doesn't
Seem to say an awful lot to me...

All alone (All alone) (6x). That probably sums up what I've been feeling lately. As some people have remarked of late, I've been slightly down and more emo. Thanks for the care and concern, yeah? But well, it's not easy to explain to you guys why I was that way. For say, one or two weeks, I have begun to feel this growing dis-attachment and distance from everybody. Why this is so, I have no idea and I don't like it. But what can one do? Anyway nevermind. It is.. decidedly childish. I should have seen it coming, and maybe I did. But I did nothing to stop the rot, so it eventually boils down to me. I could have preempted it, man. But no. De Yan is blasé and aloof and downright indifferent. So people don't really care about me do they? It's quite alright to walk off without me eh. It's quite alright to leave without me. It's quite alright to live without me. The things I learn every week. And every monday, I go to school hoping that the week, will be the week everything turns magically oh kay, right? Nay, that is but a fool's dream. But it's a fool's job to dream fool's dreams. I retain the right to do so.

It is by now, doggone foolishness. I shouldn't be mulling for so long. It's over dude. It's been almost 3 months eh. It's not gonna come to fruition. Futile efforts. In fact, non-existent efforts. But all of a sudden I have more cause to be thinking. And it's quite upsetting. I can't believe it. It was quite the defining moment man. But there are always things that cause me to dream, yeah. To dream of what if and what if and what could have been. But it's all too late for regrets. Maybe I would have suffered more, had I chosen differently. Then again. It could have been wonderful. I think I could have persuaded her. Or I'm over-rating myself. But imagine. Oh well. I didn't try all that hard. And now my regrets don't make a difference. Why is it always in the critical decisions that I falter? Not exactly critical per se, but the decisions I've made have caused me no little unhappiness.

Oh! She's got this hold over me. You've got to get this feeling, like you were a child, and you fervently believed in aliens, and you're contacted by the alien lifeforms you always knew were out there. When you finally get what you've been craving. Contact. Oh! The euphoria. You've just got to get it, you know? That high, upon contact. Exquisite. And that's when. The man finally proves his detractors wrong. In his heart, he never truly accepted what everyone said, about aliens being impossible. In his heart, nothing has changed since his childhood. He always knew they were out there. Oh! How that is the case. In his heart nothing has changed. She's still lurking somewhere. It's just been hidden under layers of other stuff. They way the child begins to worry about work, or his family. Aliens are almost forgotten, but still they remain within his heart.

Alright, what's with this crap about aliens now? Gee, absolutely random. But maybe I do feel like some alien now. I only wish there were a child whose wishes I have fulfilled through my presence.

Oh and, happy birthday mom.

I present to you now, a story, a story of a boy. 


The Boy Who Saw Dark Clouds

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away. There lived this boy, who met a girl, and all was good. This girl, she was all you could ask for of youth. She had eyes like the summer, all beauty and truth. She had the sweetest disposition, and a crooked smile which the boy adored.

But. The moment he saw her, he saw something else. Clouds, dark clouds, dark clouds, gathering in the distance. The clouds brought with them ill-meaning and menace. The boy saw those dark, dark clouds, and he began to weep. For he knew, that those clouds they were coming, coming for him.

The girl, she was not blind. She saw the boy weeping, and came close. And the closer she came, the less the boy could see of the clouds. And soon, his vision was filled with her, and only her. And the beauty! The true majesty of her beauty. It seemed to be so radiant, it enveloped the dark clouds. The dark clouds were nothing in the face of this girl, the girl with eyes like the summer. They were soon forgotten, shoved into the recesses of his mind. The boy stopped crying.

The boy. In her presence, everything was so fine, and he knew no fear. The dark clouds were chased away. And he could begin to dream, of a future. Of a future, of her. And all was good. Alas, it was not to last.

It is in the nature of happy times, that it passes quite impossibly fast. Before the boy knew it, the time had come. The time had come, and the dark clouds were upon them. And the fear! The fear that seized his heart. Why, at the zenith of his happiness! It seemed impossibly cruel. And so the boy, he began to run. He began to run, for he hoped the girl would be safe from the clouds, the dark clouds.

But what of the girl? The girl, she saw no clouds. She merely saw the boy, the boy running away. And she was sad. And the boy, the boy would have felt pain in his heart, that he had made her sad. But he never would know. And the girl, she too would never know why he ran, away from her.

And so it came to pass, that there was an almighty heaving of the heavens. And the boy, the boy realized he still lived.

But what of the girl? The girl, she saw no longer. The girl, with eyes like the summer, would never open her eyes again.

And the boy, the boy saw that the clouds, the dark clouds, had claimed his love, and he rent his breast. And in that moment, the boy was no longer a boy. His heart had died. And he'd never see her radiance again. He'd forever see, see only the dark clouds within his mind.
--------------------------------------------------

Hah, my own original story =D I've always wanted to write something weird like that. I'm not sure how people take the style, but I like it. Yeah. There are many ways that I could have written it, but nevermind. I think I'll leave it as it is. Hope it's as cool to whoever who reads it as it is to me. Well, I must say this is quite the tragic story. Who's to say who is sadder? The boy, or the girl? To die feeling abandoned? Or? Oh well. I suddenly feel I didn't do justice to the tragedy, of the boy who saw dark clouds.

One day in love. After which your heart dies. Tragic.

Lols, almost 3am and it's another monday. I shall hope once more. Things just might improve, yeah? More fool me. I shall contrive to be happy. An ET sighting would help. But that is beyond impossible. Oh yeah, I've got a date on wednesday. But somehow I'm not filled with the expectation that I used to feel. Is it that I've become numb, or have I already discarded her by the wayside? And oh yeah, de yan you're quite the man when it comes to misleading. =D

I should sleep.
"And I get by with a little help from my friends."
Or without.
Goodnight(:

Jacob No Ass (s).

This post is gonna be about my camps man. Because I just can't stop bitching about them. :D

Okay lah, LINE camp was fine, except that I felt like I was handling the whole LG. And I got really irritated by the teeny help I get from my fellow facs, like laytian? And yewsiang too, don't want to help me one. Lols, but it was okay. I knew each and every one of my campers, and I managed to spend much time with them. Although they weren't really good campers lah, but at least I managed to get pretty close to them. So it was a satisfying camp, because my campers acknowledged me and I think I managed to inspire them somehow. Oh yeah, I was really fierce to them. Heh, LT was super useless, I'll devote one whole chapter or two or three or four on her. :D she sucks at e-web too!

Next up was, CDAYL. Which is where the legend of Jacob begins. Hohoho. Sheez, whoever made me assistant family head. That's a sack of a shit job that I'm not going to wish on anyone man, if your family head is erm, hannisah. Is that how you spell her name? Whatever, not important. Looks wrong though. Yes anyway, the past week, from monday to friday, was terrible. Can you imagine, on the relack days monday and tuesday, she began saying things like. "De Yan, I think I cannot handle already." "De Yan, I sure fall sick during camp, make sure you don't fall sick ah." "De Yan, I think I going to break down soon." God, so piteous. And I'm like, ooooooooooookay, the campers haven't arrived yet! And on tuesday for the chinese riddles, she decided not to give any instructions to me or the facs, so we just did things blindly and yes, wrongly too. Such a slack day, and she didn't manage to complete anything, not the dance, the lg gifts or the damned green cloth. Of course lah, it was almost enough to kill our dear family head.

A leader, leads by example.
He shows a willingness to do what he asks others to do, and beyond.
He does not mind getting down and dirty with his fellow mates.

A facilitator, facilitates.
He does so by leading people around, telling them what to do.
It does not really matter if he is unclear himself.
Everyone just wants some instructions they can follow.

Hannisah is neither, and she shirked all her responsibilities to me. Not only that, whatever instructions she receives she does not inform me about, so there is an obvious break in the chain of communication. And what I do not know, my facs do not know.

Oh yeah, she has the nerve to call these people "my" facs when she's bitching about them. "Eh de yan, your facs ah, damn stupid. Damn idiot. Damn effed up." Yeah, so I'm just smoking and bullshitting my way throughout the camp. "Er, I think now we just play some games lor, I also not sure what's the instructions." "Er now ah, I think go and wash-up." Dammit, how are things supposed to get done? And when everyone looks to me for instructions I don't know about, I don't know, but I'd say I'm more than a little stressed.

Yeah, and this is what really gets me going. All the time that she's supposedly so stressed out, she is in fact, pretty much enjoying her life, lepak-ing with some PC person or another. That amounts to stress? Bring it on man! Yeah, and her complaints? They're about my facs, and how useless they all are. They're always absent. They don't listen to instructions. They give me attitude. They're always slacking. They do stupid things. Oh yeah? The hypocrisy! She's not there 95% of the time, and when she's counting the facs, she's actually at the grandstand while everyone's at the library. Useless facs? Everyone of them facilitate more than she does. She never brought ANYONE to the toilet etc etc. Instructions. She never makes them clear, or make them at all! Attitude. Who's to talk about attitude when she's always in the corner emo-ing, stressing and crying? And complaining of course. And when you've got time to complain, you're slacking terribly. Every time I want to scold her there's a PC around, which sucks ass. I have zero tolerance for a POC like her, but I never get to scold her, and I lost my voice too.

She ropes in an outsider, who actually scolds my facs and insults them. In front of me. If not for the campers around me, I would have blown. For sure. That damned fatty, she's got no right. She had really better beware man. Beware Jacob's wrath. I'm glad my campers noticed what a bitch she is, lol!

Next, I am running all over the school, doing the stuff that is her responsibility. Attendance list. Dammit, the CDAYL shirts? I had to run around, asking, is there extra, what size, who needs. And then going to the LN to get 3 shirts for the campers. And. I was really tired. Really irritated already. And amanda! She kept telling me, it's seriously too big for the campers. What am I supposed to do! I really had no strength to settle that damned issue. I'm not sure if amanda noticed, but if she had said one more time that, cannot, too big le. I would probably have snapped. And I think I've snapped at her too many times over the years already, of which I'm terribly sorry. But yeah. I would have blown my top. It's not her fault, or anyone's fault. But you know, fatigue does that. I'm not sure if I gave her attitude though, hopefully she didn't detect any.

My feet, became swollen to a truly unholy size? For 5-6 hours straight, I had no time to put on my shoes, or grab my slippers. Yeah. I was running about the school barefoot, and it really got damnedly painful. It swelled like some balloon man. Cause of the attendance list, shirts, facs shirts, bringing people to the toilet/water cooler. Escorting people to the LN. Finding stuff for the campers. Retrieving stuff they left behind. Yes. 5 hours! That was during the... second day. Water games day. From before telematch to after the wash-up after the kinetic warfare I think, I had no footwear.

And yes kinetic warfare I didn't play also. Why? Hannisah, that's why. "Oh no de yan, I cannot handle the campers lah. Got some boys say the want to play basketball, I scared they run away." WTFISH? I was just about to embark on the kinetic warfare man, almost setting off. So while everyone charge off to their stations, I slowly trudged up the stairs to the grandstand. The culprits? 3 little kids who made no attempt to run after I told them the rationale behind not letting them play basketball. Great. I had really looked forward to the finale. But, the things you have to give up when you're an assistant family head! Blah. Okay lah, I was kind of bitter about it. But I saw other people at the grandstand too, like the F1 fac who took care of yewtong's little meimei. So poor thing that fac, had to take care of that piece of work. So I guess my sacrifice was equivalent or even less than those made by others. Oh yeah, special mention. Jonathan and Huiyan, who were in the medical centre all day long cause of their sick campers. Respect man. Really appreciate what they did. They spent about I don't know, 2 days in there? They probably contracted illnesses from being in such close contact too. These people are those who sacrificed more than me, so I shan't complain that much. Didn't seem too fun anyway -.-

Oh, apparently hannisah went in and out of the med centre? Lol, didn't really bother to get the details, I believe that she was probably just some sobbing wreck in there lah. Too stressed out man. Oh yeah, talking about sobbing, she made amanda cry -.- she had the balls to scold amanda, when amanda was like the only person taking care of like, 37 people? okay, here comes special mention. Amanda, Yewsiang and Maegan for taking care of LG7, on their own much of the time. I think. It's not their fault they are left alone much of the time. Leon and shing, well, they just weren't really interested were they? LT was just adding on to the camper population. So. Amanda, well I'm not very sure about the group dynamics but she was probably the one who kept the LG in shape? I'm sorry I'm so clueless, I never had time to witness who was doing what for the LG. Yew siang too, I think he has done his best for this camp already, I cannot fault him the way I did during LINE camp, the effort was there. Maegan, I don't really know, lol. But she probably helped out lah, maybe more than that but sorry I have no idea. Leon and shing, they did help, but their hearts weren't in it. At least they supported the LG.

LT. My god, can a worse fac ever exist? She's absolutely clueless! Hopeless! Worthless! Whenever I give instructions, she does not listen. I'd say "Eh LT, collect the rubbish for the campers." THREE TIMES. And she doesn't hear it. Amanda on her own initiative, got up and started disposing rubbish before she even finished her own food. Kudos. I got so noticeably pissed of with laytian she once remarked to me "Why you always so like.... aiyah nevermind." She's just useless that way, she can't form proper sentences. Which was apparent during e-web. "Erm, erm, erm, erm, erm. I want to thank, erm, erm..................................." Yeah. You get the point. The one good thing being so busy this camp, I didn't have to suffer interacting with her. But there was improvement. Serious. She was even more useless during LINE camp! Oh well, such is our terrible lot in life. Ahhh, I seem to be getting overboard. My apologies, I don't really mean to be so mean. But actually, this I think, is barely the tip of the iceberg that is the horror of LT. She's fugly to boot.

Okay, enough on LT. Back to the zhong dian. Before the family performance ah, hannisah was actually crying and sobbing cause of amanda. Bloody hell, show some backbone will you? So with a heavy heart, I had to perform, cause she was my dance partner. More fool me. Then she complained to me many times, and to many other people, about "that amanda". "Eh de yan, can you help me or not? That amanda just now gave me black face, then I don't know what to do." Well, I know, go and complain to PC lah! Miracle cure for all you problems, hannisah. Okay yeah, and amanda was guilty? Cause hannisah was scolded after I don't know who witnessed amanda crying I don't know when. Well, she didn't act any more repentant on the third day of camp proper, even after getting scolded! I see no point for any guilt whatsoever. Heh.

Okay next point. How can a family head, not bother to get to know her facs? Hmmm? What, you mean PR job is for the assistant family head? Geez! And I don't mean to be boasting but, I think my people skills absolutely own hers. Unless you count chumming with the PCs lah. First night, I stayed up late to try and find yoga mats for some indons, so that maegan could sleep. And when I couldn't procure them, I ordered those girls to sleep by, I think I said 3 o clock, cause obviously maegan needs sleep too. Cause it was my mistake to have asked maegan to check out why some girls were waking up. So yeah, it translates into my responsibility for maegan's rest right? It's all about accountability. And I was accountable for maegan's rest that night. I hope she did manage to sleep by 3, I never managed to find out. That was the first night. If I weren't so shagged by running around, I would have stayed up with them. Guilty.

Second night, was practically family time lah. The facs got together to make the lg gifts, minus those who really were too tired out. Hannisah leh? Who got plenty of rest in the LN, or in the canteen or wherever she goes to relack? She sleeps, apart from us. While the rest of us, including her lg facs, are still working. So. LG7 finished the fastest, so they all went to sleep. People slowly dropped off to sleepyland, in the end there was only I think, anna sophia huiyan xintong lixin and me left? Kudos to them man, it was really late, and they were still doing the gifts. So I'm thinking, they're working so hard, surely someone must be there to show some support? Let them, feel the love man. From who? Our family head? No way, never. In fact, she got up in the middle of the night, while sophia and lixin were still working, and actually said, "wah still doing ah? Don't sleep too late ah." Or something like that. I mean, your lg facs are still there! If you can wake up, it means you can do some work right? So yeah, I thought that, hey, if not her, then at least I should be showing some support and appreciation for their hard work. So, with plenty of trips to the toilet and to the water cooler, I kept myself awake for the sake of my facs. I can't bear to leave them working alone right? They're so tired and yet they keep on pasting the damned hearts or whatnot.

I think anna was slowly writing notes for each of her campers? Sophia and lixin were pasting the hearts on the slips of papers. I tried to help, but I kept dozing off while putting on the glue, so embarassing can. Huiyan was at the med centre table writing long messages for every camper. I can't really recall what xintong was doing, lol, I only remember what she was doing BEFORE she joined us doing the gifts. Wahaha. So while on my frequent trips to the toilet, I see huiyan writing and writing, until finally i saw her asleep on the table. Anna and sophia and I think xintong? , lagi solid. Lixin already went off to sleep on the sofa, so only left them. When I finally decided to get some rest, they continued doing the gifts. I couldn't even stay awake while walking lah. But yeah, watching these people write and do their gifts, I felt really happy you know? Like, hey, these are the people are sacrificing precious sleep for their campers. I'm only sorry I couldn't stay awake. Guilty. I did manage to facilitate some gila people who woke up at 4am to bathe though. Yep, special mention to the people who stayed awake. I hope they felt appreciated, cause for damn sure they weren't gonna feel that way from hannisah. It's all about welfare ain't it? Making sure your facs feel good, feel supported. And also about making time for them, bonding with them. Carving out time from your beauty sleep for them.

Oh yeah, and another issue that had me pissed? The next day, I heard that she said we were bitching all night long. Wtfish? She doesn't have the right to make that assumption when she didn't go through the night with them, not even spent time with them. And she was complaining to outsiders about all of the F2 facs, when some of them were actually within listening range! Like, Oh noes!!!!! they don't help me at all!!!! Get real! No instructions for us, no help for you! Simplicity. We were at the canteen then. She actually dragged my facs into the canteen from the LT5 where they were getting the sleep they absolutely deserved. And in the canteen, well, the atmosphere just isn't there for sleeping -.- I don't think many of them slept in the canteen, maybe none. But well, hannisah did. Geez. Turned out, I think at the canteen all of us were just bitching about her man. No idea how she can be so stressed when she sleeps so much.

Oh another point about welfare. She doesn't bother about the facs meals. She actually had them skip dinner once, while I wasn't there. Now that is over the top, one can always be flexible, no? Other facs are taking care of each other, not to mention the campers, while she's like, feasting away at the canteen or wherever she deigns to be at. How do you do that, when your facs are skipping meals? Ahh oh yeah. Hanissah (oh I think that's how it's spelled?) was the best fac for the camp! A fac who doesn't facilitate! The blame falls square on my shoulders. I refused to pick out the best fac among F2, so I don't know by what convoluted logic, the family head was the best fac! I was trying desperately to sleep so as not to catch whatever sob story she had in store for us. "Ahhhhhhh, I so stressed. I almost broke down. But I picked myself up. I was in tears on many occasions." Actually she probably didn't say that, I don't know, cause I really did sleep. Ahaha okay, that's a long bitching post man. Time for the thank you's outside of those special mentions.

Well, all the F2 facs, with some notable exceptions. Well, despite what hanissah says, they really made things easy for me. The LG I/Cs co-operated and listened to my cock and bull instructions. For that I thank them. Heh, a few of them also made me feel appreciated and that all this shit was worthwhile. Like guiping! Damn sweet and nice lah, she told me that I don't know who was the "we" but that they felt that I was the best fac in F2. Really, that was it man. I didn't know what to say, so I think I said something lame. But yeah. It's really nice to know that my facs appreciate me lah. :D So I guess this camp was somewhat okay lah, despite my not knowing any campers, at least the facs I know are so nice, wahaha!

Next up, all the nice campers around who all recognize me. So that everywhere I go I can hear someone shouting "Jacob, Jacob!" So even though I have to cater to more than my fair share of campers what with everyone knowing me, I feel like some big shot man. :D But yeah, I brought probably 1 million people to the toilet, 2 million to the water cooler, 100 thousand to take their lost/forgotten things, 50 thousand to the LN where I have to fill in the damned incident report. I think I did probably 10 pieces of those? Geez.

Hmm, some members of the PC. Say, sheena? Ahah, she's always smiling, and sometimes talks to me or gives me instructions. So yeah, at least I know that not all information is channeled through the family head. And well, others in general, who are pretty nice to the facs. I might have some doubts about their organizational abilities, I'm afraid, but they are to a large extent, nice people.

Okay, for LG7 itself. Obviously, the HYSC people. Who, each and everyone of them I think, are better than LT -.- They came into the camp with some experience and high expectations. Which we failed to meet. But yeah, they managed to help the overall mood of the LG among other things. Like the e-web? Where they were infinitely better than say, LT? Ahah, unfair comparison. So yeah, kudos to them, and also huge apologies all around. When the assistant family head falters, so naturally do the facs. This means the camp was not good enough. I'm sorry.

Well, the other campers? Despite my not knowing them. Hmm, the international students too. Like for example, I was touched by minh's speech during the eweb. And well, for being my campers even if I didn't seem like your facilitator. And for the gifts, and for the support. Thanks.

Okay, that's probably it for the thanking list? Oh, other family facs too, without whom camp wouldn't have been fun. Especially F3, yeah. Who helped us during the first day of camp proper.
Like hooi kim :D

I don't know if they knew. But seriously, I almost had enough of the shit I was getting. By like, the second day, I was seriously thinking, why should I continue? I should just give up right? Like that POC family head. Profess to be very stressed and hide in the LN. Campers were giving me problems, the facs coming to me with problems I had no solutions for, like the damned CDAYL shirt. The running around without anyone saying thanks. And that was mostly it. No thanks. Obviously, hanissah wasn't going to thank me, what with her stress. But I felt really underwhelmed by the support I was getting. My feet was really painful, and nobody offered to help me bring the kid to the LN. It was like some pig's trotters. Nobody offered to help me with much, they just asked more questions. Only rarely, like when seeing jialong lead the people during the kinetic warfare finale, did I actually feel good, despite my not participating. I was finally seeing someone step up to do what I was supposed to be doing, having the expectation on him. What if you were standing on the chair, and you run out of things to say? What if someone asked you a question, and you had no answers? So yeah, special thanks to jialong.

There probably were individual facs who stepped up, say during kinetic warfare, but I wasn't present to see it. So I really felt like shit. But I was thinking, say I gave up. Say I decided to let all the shit fall on the facs. Would there be anyone who would well, be the big man? And I don't know why I felt so self-important and so mighty, I decided that if I disappeared, the family would just dissolve. So I decided to hang on, with delusions of my own might and strength. But maybe, someone could have done a better job? I mean I didn't even want any responsibility in the first place. So oh well, here's to some emo thoughts, that the family would have been better had someone else been assistant family head. Oh well, no time to be doubting in myself eh? Bah.

Oh oh, thanks to the F2 gays, I would have been much unhappier if not for them :D

It's 2 o clock, I hope I wake up. I'm still sick from the camp, slightly feverish and coughing too. My voice is well on it's way back. I'm gonna sleep before my pa comes in to spot check again.

To happy memories. In case anyone thinks my camp was terrible, it wasn't, it was kind of happy, sometimes.

"Take picture, take picture!!"
Jacob.