A Madness Most Meaningless.

I could easily have put my title as a madness most meaningful instead. Meaningless has a nicer ring to it though. I'm not sure which one more appropriately applies to me though. The madness is a given. It's purpose and meaning, maybe not so clear. I'm not sure what I'm doing now.

I'm not sure what I want. I have a propensity to daydream, yes I do. Trouble is, I don't know if I actually want those dreams to be realized or not. Supposedly dreams are from your subconscious i.e. they should reflect your real desires or somesuch nonsense. I don't know about that. Maybe sometimes, you think you want something, when actually you don't. Do you get what I'm saying? Maybe, probably not. Maybe sometimes, we've been conditioned to think we want something. Society dictates you should want to excel academically, you should want to get married and start a happy family, you should want to do this, or do that. But maybe you don't want to. But you don't know that, cause of all the conditioning you've been through. And when you finally get what you're supposed to want, maybe you find you aren't that happy at all.

That's totally not what I had in mind when I started out. Hmm. Let's leave it at that.

9:3x for 2.4. Steady drop there, I've got to do something about it. Maybe I start by buying new shoes, a christmas present for myself. Of course I've already gone and done that, what with buying 11 books and all. But I think I'm entitled to 2 presents this year. I've been good for goodness' sake! Oh, I better watch out, I better not cry..

I've been gripped by a madness lately. That's a bit of a misnomer. It's not necessarily such a bad thing as the word would seem to imply. I don't know what's going to come out of it so I can't say with certainty if it's a good or a bad thing. What I know is that I'm doing something with no clear purpose in mind, and my intent is shrouded, even to me. Maybe I do know my intent but I'm trying to deny it. Hmm. I don't know how to put it, and it probably doesn't interest you either, so I'll stop here.

Christmas is approaching. No, I feel no festivity whatsoever yet again. It's very worrying. But I'm an optimistic kind of fella. Last christmas was one of the worst christmases I've had. I don't think it was THE worst ever, though. Ditto my new year. Heh for the people whom I spent them with last year I apologize, this sentiment has nothing to do with you in any way! But it was torrid, really awful. This year I'm feeling pretty hopeful, somehow. Hah.

It's so easy to go mad. To just lose yourself with wild abandon. Anyone can do that. What's hard is staying true to yourself. That's why even now, I don't exactly approve or like the idea of drinking (or more accurately getting drunk) and partying and all. Imbibing alcohol is just another way of inducing madness. Some people say when you're drunk your true colours show. I don't really believe in that. When you're drunk you do things you never usually do. How does that indicate any "true colours" shining through? Liquid courage, as they say, is just that. It's not your courage. And clubbing/partying, well. Losing yourself in a mass/mess of people, safe in the knowledge that nobody really cares about what you do there, content that people will just pass your actions off as "oh, he/she's just letting loose for a bit," or, "just drunk, that's all," or whatever reasons they care to provide for you. Of course this is all just me. Certainly you have your own good reasons to do whatever it is you do, and what I said totally didn't make sense or apply to you. It's just my personal opinion on this.

I think there's something to be said for stoicism. In this day and age, with all your budding psychiatrists and expert counsellors around, it's all about finding an outlet. Finding an outlet for all your emotion, your expression. It says something about the self-centredness of people. In a sense. That's just a belief I hold, that I can't exactly put into words. But stoicism still has its place. Enduring and not complaining. The complain culture is something quite prevalent really. I remember discussing this with my german friend Jacob in cameron highlands haha.

Which reminds me that I should probably plan for a backpacking trip once more. Early days yet, as all procrastinators like to say, so we'll keep this one on the backburner! Some vague ideas running amok within my head though. But what with (maybe) uni and all, it's going to be a little difficult to organize I think. Don't wanna end up disappointing myself with a trip that doesn't materialize.

You know, sometimes when I blog I have somebody in mind. Not the "oh you're always on my mind" kind of thing. But sort of like this specific person I want to say something to. Other times though, I have this sense that I'm trying to say something, but I'm not sure who I want to say it to. And sometimes over the course of writing out a bloody long post the intended person actually changes. Just wanted to share this cause I realize some of my posts are very messy really, with no discernible message or anything. And that sometimes you might think my post is about you, but it really is not. Or sometimes it actually is, if you read the subtleties clearly enough. But don't try too hard to find them lah. If it's not about you it's not.

Well. Half an hour left to sleep, I've totally mucked up my time management didn't I! Just kill me, or at least beat me senseless (not that I'm very senseful currently.) It's probably a more satisfactory condition than the one I'll find myself in tomorrow. That is, struggling through the day feeling like rubbish and wishing death upon myself and feeling stupid at the same time.

Sigh. Toodles.