DeMan Who Was Not A Man.

Well today I mourn the passing of a fabrication, the death of an identity constructed. I can't say I was proud of it, it's actually quite embarrassing. I refer to it as an it and not a he, because I have this strong conviction that this construct was no man. It was this wimpy, loser stupid girl. I admit I'm a little shocked at it's existence. Even now it's dead and 6 feet under, I'm still somewhat in a state of disbelief. It was a total loser, and I was it.

Interesting week it's been. And let me tell you something about dreams, and it's not the same as that previous post about it. It's a dream of a different kind. Cause this past week, I had a dream. I had a dream where solitude was to be nothing but a memory. I had a dream where me and solitude part ways and I walk into the glorious sunset or somesuch cinematic ending. I had a dream. I no longer do. What a week.

I might actually have been possessed this last week. I've never allowed myself to dream, and as it turned out, it was a mistake. Well dreams are for people who can achieve them. If you never will, why bother dreaming? The burden of expectation on yourself, deluding yourself, and in the end it all works out to naught. If you can achieve them, by all means dream on! Cause I have to admit, the experience was something special. Folly, in retrospect, but does not bliss lie in foolishness? All fools are happy fools.

And here now we've reached the stop where my dreams get off, but the train of my thoughts continue. I'm leaving this station far behind.

Anyway I caught (500) days of summer! I've got to say it's seriously awesome and everyone should watch it cause it's really great. I'm not sure what genre it falls under, maybe love? Probably love, but it's not a romantic sappy sort. It's sort of a.... well it's a pretty light movie yet totally engrossing. There's nothing deeper to it yet it's highly enjoyable. And it's pretty hilarious too, really refreshing movie, at once hopeful yet not. Glad I took the time out to watch it. Gotta love Zooey Deschanel who incidentally is the sister of Bones! It was cool to see my man Dr. Spencer Reid from criminal minds and the lawyer also from bones. And terrifically done by Joseph Gordon-Levitt, I might just check out his back catalogue cause he's really good. Well go for it guys, just 90 minutes off studying, it's worth it.

And from the movie I do recall: People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated. I Lol'd when I heard that. The couple next to me probably thought I was trying to console meself. It's interesting how the stares I get for being alone no longer make me feel awkward but instead amuse me no end. I should do this more often.

Well enjoy a good day ahead, guys. I know I will.

Cement Lament.

I just went for a morning run. The equivalent of a morning run when your body clock is really screwed up. I slept at about 5pm and woke at 2. I then went for a run at 3.30. I thought I had run for quite some time but it turned out to be a mere 1 hour affair. No idea why time seems to be trickling by tonight. So well my lament is that my back really aches when I run. It's so irritating that I couldn't focus and hit my stride. Really unnatural pace. After only 20 mins I thought I'd run for at least half an hour. Cui man. To think I used to be revitalized after running. I think I'm going to look really haggard and tired later in school.

Anyway it seems to have whittled down to 28 days left or something. Whatever it is I don't care, I just want to make a cool reference to 28 Days Later, that cool zombie flick. Well so I think I've made my peace with not scoring spectacularly. I just feel it doesn't matter how well I score, or that I didn't get my desired straight As. Why get sucked into the paper chase? The futility of it is apparent. Yes it would be immensely gratifying and satisfying to get all As and brag about it for years, but that's purely for ego's sake. I don't think it's that important anymore. Good thing I've lowered my parents' expectations after a string of bad results since last year.

So I was wondering again about the public nature of blogs. While I would like to pretend that nobody reads my blog, that's just not possible. I'd like to think that whether or not someone is reading my posts doesn't matter, but it just doesn't work that way. It matters that I don't say what I truly want to say. And also how you present yourself, it's pretty unnatural, at least to me. Some things I want to say but they seem pretentious or something, and I eventually don't. Some things are too private. It's just weird.

Oh it's raining. Pleasant, rainy day. If I weren't already awake, I'd say it's odds on that I wouldn't go to school. Even now I'm having second thoughts. Sounds like a really good idea, to not go to school and luxuriate at home with the sound of raindrops crooning me to sleep. What poetic imagery. What temptation.

It's been raining a bit lately. Just yesterday I had a sudden urge to walk home in the rain. I remember getting soaked in the rain kicking soccer, or playing basketball, or doing whatever stupid things that kids in general do. And the best part was that we didn't care. It'd have felt good to do something stupid again, but by the time I went home the rain had subsided to the meekest drizzle. Oh well.

Note to self. I'm really upset that all my postcards and letters have vanished. Seriously. I really cherish those postcards. Each one is a slice of the past. Most of them are earnest messages of goodwill. The people who you've been close to through the years, leaving you notes of appreciation. You might see them lying around randomly and it just makes you happy to read it. A reminder of the past. Damn. I only have one left, and the postcard is a Bratz one. Pink and Bratz. Wts.

I'm having some serious reservations about going to school. But I'll just end off here. If I do go to school I deserve applause for my mental fortitude. No wait, I just changed my mind. GP and Econs? NO HAHA NEVER. Yeah my decision was made for me. Stupid timetable srsly. Till next time, then.

Nightmares And Dreamscapes.

Cool title, srsly. Yes, I didn't come up with it, it's the title of a stephen king anthology. But it sounds cool and it's pertinent to what I intend to blog about. Dreams.

Intriguing topic, really. Powerful messages from our subconscious to us? Prophetic? The thoughts lurking at the back of your mind taking form? Some of them are just plain weird. Inexplicable. And some are so vivid you can't help but think about it. The funniest are those weird AND vivid ones. I clearly recall a dream when I was young that I was licking some wax thing from the kitchen ceiling. It felt so real I wasn't sure if I really licked the freaking ceiling or not. Yucks.

Anyway the reason I'm blogging about this is the odd dreams I've been having these past few days. Child soldiers committing suicide by jumping off a cliff. That one was pretty impactful, I was thinking about child soldiers the whole day after that. And the one just last night was worse, I dreamt I received news of my brother's death. Honestly I woke up in a fright. Freaking scary.

It's not something I'm willing to contemplate. Not even slightly. And it's unimaginable, absurd. But it did set me thinking of how much of my childhood was spent with him. Some stories are special. Dear to your heart. They mean so much to you that you can't help but want to share it with someone else. When (if) I get a girlfriend I'm freaking going to regale her with all my childhood stories, and she better enjoy them. Mr Demanding.

His O levels are in I think 3 weeks time or something. I hope he does very well. Honestly I hope he does better than me. I think my parents expect alot from him so if he doesn't beat my score it'll be truly sucky. And I think he wants to beat me. Even I want him to beat me. I admit I do engage in one-upmanship with him but this is one thing I hope I get owned in.

Studied at BBMAC just now, overnight. It was however only about 6 hours, and considering a best case scenario of 50% efficiency, then it's a punitive 3 hours of studying. After skipping school for 2 consecutive days, I can with conviction say that I'm pathetic. There's just no urgency whatsoever, despite all the dire warnings we've all received about the little time left till A's. But as the saying goes, hope springs eternal. So you got that right, I'm still quite optimistic. I do remember a time where I was aiming for a scholarship. That time however, has passed. Although I am still (foolishly) thinking of straight As.

I'm suddenly feeling very tired cause the caffeine is wearing off. Damn. Probably gonna sleep through service =/ So draining. And newsflash, I saw in the papers about this teacher who had to watch as her students died while on top of her. Man. What trauma. All these disasters happening one upon another, it's very sad. Apparently it's all just a matter of time till the Big One, the earthquake that is going to be so cataclysmic. I also read that earthquakes weaken already unstable fault lines, leading to more numerous, powerful earthquakes. Won't that continue all the way until the earth splits apart at its seams? Nature 1:0 Humans.

Super tired. I'll sleep for an hour,and hopefully wake up. Till then, pleasant dreams.