Thousands Of Miles And A Phone Call Away.

01
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11
Where are you? We look around at each other, we are crying. We don't know what to do. Why aren't you here with us?

21
You are thousands of miles and a phone call away. After 10 years I finally realize I've been asking the wrong question. Why weren't we there for you? I miss you.

31
You shouldn't be, but you're still working. I'm slowly beginning to understand you. I might even be beginning to be like you.

41
You're 80. You're not tired of life, but life is a tiresome sumbitch. Mostly, you're bored.

51
Where are you? you cry. You don't know where you are. You barely know who I am. You might not understand me now, but I hope throughout the years you always have - I love you pa.

_________________



I took my tea out into the cold on Chinese New Year's eve. My plan was to 守岁 and skype home at the same time, since conveniently the time difference makes it almost perfect for that. Little did I know my family would sleep in on the first day of CNY.... so I only managed to skype them at 3-4am, finally sleeping only at 5am! Longevity like siao I tell you.

About the tea. I went into the park behind my place hoping to catch a glimpse of the moon, cause I foolishly thought it'd be a full moon, since they call it lunar new year after all.. Just realized my mistake cause new year = new moon = NO MOON. Not to mention it was overcast anyways, sigh. Everytime I go out at night like that I remember that corniest of lines I heard in qiushi so long ago: Even though we might not be standing next to each other, we are looking at the same moon. So everytime you look at the moon, think of me. Something along those lines. Impressive/gross at the same time.

It was CNY eve and I was waiting to skype home, so naturally I began thinking of my family. (BTW they just ate at a 5 star hotel without me so I am sad.) I don't know why but this memory of that one Christmas so many years ago stands out so starkly amongst all the other, better memories. I'm not even sure how real what I remember from that night was. Christmas carolers, and 3 kids so lost.

I don't even know when that was, except that it was during the lifetime of the satay business. Anywhere from p5 to sec1 I reckon. I was what, 11? It's been 10 years since, and I find myself thousands of miles away from home, looking back on all the times we've had as a family. Not gonna lie, it's been rough. But I think if we look out the windows now we'll see that it's rather pretty out, and that we're journeying on to better places. It's been quite a ride, but we're leaving the metaphorical wastelands now, like so much disturbed dust behind us. It's stung us and provoked tears and angry words, but we gritted our teeth, clenched our fists, and we have managed to move on.

This story is for my dad. It's not even a story, maybe. A non-fiction story, if you will. I've never been 31, my dad isn't 80 yet, and I can have no idea what the future holds. But it's true as of today, so I can't accurately describe it as fiction I guess. Just a reminder, possibly, of the revelations I had that night.

I'd come across this poem once, written about the poet's father, which was quite minimalistically done and quite stark and sparing, and I thought that was really powerful. So I tried to emulate that, except that I wanted to insert the passage of time in there and didn't know a better device to do so apart from numbers, almost like chapters or something. So there it is. Probably could embellish it or flesh it out or something, but I don't feel like doing so, I'm leaving it like that.

Pretty tired out. After sleeping at 5+am on new year's eve, I had to wake up at 9am for church. Returned at 3pm and almost immediately had to start cooking for the dinner last night. Kancheong like anything, and we ended up late anyways, although that didn't matter too much in the end. Setting up, finalizing the game etc, no downtime whatsoever. Then connecting, clean-up, and the assorted duties at the closing of an event. Finally arrived home at 11pm. Attempted to watch an episode of 30 Rock before sleeping. Fell asleep halfway. I think falling asleep in the middle of 30 Rock speaks volumes about the extent of shagginess or tiredness someone's experiencing.

What a night. First proper event we've hosted as a team. Can't say I wasn't disappointed, but I felt proud too. It's a mixed bag. Kinda messed up the end of the game segment cause I didn't prepare for it at all, which is pretty silly cause it's not even that hard. Really happy to see the number of volunteers turning up to cook, or help in the setting/cleaning up. I think we're helping to build a strong community here, a church where asians can feel like they belong. It's not insignificant, and I thank God for that.

Hmm yeah. Might go back to sleep now actually cause it's still only 8.30am. Or I might continue with my adventures in FFIX. Well, good-day anyway!