Every Street Lamp A Fatalistic Warning.

My word, just woke up from an about 8-10hour slumber! Have not had such sleep in ages, and boy does it feel good. Although in the course of doing so I have missed the Champion's League (which I intended to stream) sigh. Whatever it is, GLORY GLORY BARCELONA!!

Actually I didn't intend to sleep so early, so intent was I on finishing Life of Pi, but I just kept dozing off and I slept with the lights on hehe. So lazylike. So I'm maybe about 30-50 pages from finishing it, then I can embark on yet another book. My shelf has 9 books right now, of which 7 are as yet unread, and this is just in SAFTI! I can't believe the number of books I have bought even in the midst of confinement(s).

On a sad note, it seems I am barred from fastpasstv now and I am unable to watch anything now. Guess I'll have to spend my time reading instead. Or playing games haha. Another sad note is that the rest of the Konfinement Kongregation is gone now, and I am left all alone. Bother.

I will have spent about 50 weeks in OCS in total. Confinements/Not Gone Home: 2 in CLM, 3 for MSTD (1), 6 during MSTD (2), 11 on confinement (or thereabouts). That's 22, a rough estimate, cause I cannot recall any batch confinements or the like. That equates to about half of my weekends here not spent at home, or at least outside. It is such a sad thing is it not! Sigh. Never do anything stupid, or at least nothing as spectacularly stupid as mine own actions.

Here's a line from Life of Pi that I thought was particularly poignant:

At the heart of life is a fuse box.

That which protects us from too much pain and sorrow.

Here's one from one of the Konfinement Kongregation (or rather, it was a question and answer):

Him: You know how many memes there are?
Me: Nope.
Him: IT'S OVER 9000!!!!

Haha I'm sorry, but I just had to include that. In that conversation we have a perfect demonstration of exactly the kind of geeks we are, and the prerequisite amount of geeky knowledge, I might even venture so far as to say expertise, you would have to possess to be one of us, and to understand that joke. Seriously, it is a very funny joke. Although if you do actually understand, the amount of life you actually have (i.e. not being a no-lifer) is really quite suspect.

It's almost like getting rickroll'd! If you know what I'm talking about you should check out this nice little pie chart on Knowyourmeme.com about Rick Astley. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you should still check it out, and click on the chart to find out what it is I'm talking about! Haha sigh I am such a degenerate.

Oh on another sad note. I was asked the shape of the earth in a quiz this week. My answer was: Oblong spheroid. zomg. The amount of ridicule and humiliation that follows a gaffe like that.. 'tis terrible. I think I'll never get over this! A sphere with corners? A cuboid with rounded edges?? A rectangle with a radius??? What a n00bz.

Also I went dragonboating yesterday, for the first time since way before MSTD I think. Pretty exhausting and pretty fun, at least I haven't forgotten how to row haha. And I got a tan too so I'm no longer pastyboy woohoo. Not played touch in ages though, I'm afraid the sidestepmeister is probably a thing of the past now :/ And I'd probably be so "chuan" after every run too haha. Unfit like a turd.

Which reminds me of how I was so............. words fail me, denied the opportunity to run for Sundown. Grrrrrrrr. Alright let's not dwell on it, instead let it be said that if I weren't such a colossal idiot i.e. the confinement king, I would have been able to run it (AND NOT WASTE $65 AHHH) and done many more things to boot (Read: No Pirates of the Caribbean for me nuuuuuu.)




True Love

There was a girl. Her real name is of no import, so we shall call her Jane.

Jane was an extraordinarily ordinary girl. This wouldn't have been a problem if the word "ordinary" hadn't taken on an extraordinary meaning. The word now stood for all that a person shouldn't be, in this day and age of extraordinariness. Everyone was a star in his or her own way, everyone the owner of a little badge with the words "You are unique!" printed on it, commonly accompanied by a picture of a star. Everyone believed in their own uniqueness.

Except for Jane. For no one could so openly lie, and tell her she was special, so unspecial was she. The only thing remarkable about her was her plainness, and of course nobody had the heart to tell her this.

Jane fell in love a number of times, primarily in her youth. Falling in love got increasingly harder as she got older. When she was young there was plenty to love. The soft scent of flowers. The majesty of a mountain. Gentle rain on a sleepy afternoon. The rainbow after the rain.

But her grown-up mind dissects all these. Merely a somewhat pretty effect caused by the diffraction of light through water. The result of plate tectonics. Life had ground her down, her love and her enthusiasm for life.

There were times when Jane felt acutely lonely. Even more than usual. The onset of which could have been caused by any number of things, say, a good movie. A love song. A book. Sunset. In this heightened state of loneliness, a certain despair would begin to gnaw at her. She felt that something had to be done.

Cue the boys. Lonely boys, to be sure. These never quite worked out though, despite all her earnest efforts. But none of them ever truly loved her. And if she were to be perfectly honest, she would admit that the converse was true too.

But sometimes it felt so real. Like there was so much more to be had. With some of them, she felt as if she could almost be happy. Always, she thought: I am in love! only to find out that no, she wasn't, after all.

And she discovered a truth: An illusion of love is created when two lonely people, each desperate to fall in love, meet.





So this was a story that I tried to write in January. It is very much a draft, actually. I have not edited it to my heart's desire, nor in fact, even finished it at all. I don't know what to do with it, so I decided I shall just post it as it is, unfinished and unpolished. Make what you will of it.

Well I think the story started out with that last line. I tried to fit it into a story, and there you go. Ohwell. It's not very good I'm afraid.

Okay that's that then, good-bye and happy sunday!

Yellow Brick Roads And Blood Red Lips.

Okay so I booked out for 10hours today! What a godsend indeed! Nothing short of a miracle that I was able to attend shanshan's wedding today. Saw my dearest elenya for the first time in ages, and also baby ethan and a glimpse of little jessica. I've not seen all my distant (not by blood but by actual distance) relatives for such a long time I don't recognize the half of them! And neither they me.

Anw shanshan looked so beautiful today, positively radiant! I feel so happy for them, and for gu-ma too. Although I'm sure a part of her is very sad to be marrying her daughter away, and her in the new house and all. I should visit her more frequently I guess!

What an exciting dinner too! Haha. First wedding dinner I've been to that I can remember, and I had no idea what I was supposed to do! So lost and clueless :/ Mingle around? Make small chat with distant relatives? Etc etc. I'm like a social neanderthal hehe.

Seeing elenya made me consider whether I should head to beijing for a short holiday instead of cambodia or vietnam or sth. Hmmmmmm we'll see.

And prior to that we had A Scene. Very melodramatic all round. Each of us with our own stories to tell. I'm not sure who was listening, though. But I really admire and appreciate my dad so much more, now. A lesser man would have exploded, I think. I was on the brink of.. it would have been bad. Sigh. It really was painful. Let's hope it was just a mood swing, a one-off. I wouldn't want this to ever repeat again.

Okay anyway. I really think my reading Sandman: Book of Dreams is the catalyst for all the dreaming I've done lately! Almost the whole week long, and conjuring up the most unlikely of characters. And in one of my dreams, I actually had I think, a modicum of control over the people who turned up in it. Or rather, person. Marvelous.

Another marvelous thing was my 8km run this week, which while not entirely mindblowing, was at least enough to restore my somewhat sadly deflated confidence. 34:49 isn't too shabby I think, although I'm certain I'm still a shade too slow sigh. At least I have something resembling confidence going into Sundown next saturday! Woefully underprepared but so exciting nonetheless!

I also had nights out on wednesday, and it was mindblasting. We started off at Ice Cream Chefs and ended up at Udders. 2 ice creams?! you might ask. That's where you're wrong, cause we had more ice cream in between. Absolutely smashing. I had Strawberry cheescake + Passion Kiwi Ritz ice cream at Ice Cream Chef, Sea Salt & Mars Bars ice cream at The Little Bookshop and MAO SHAN WANG at Udders. 4 different ice creams in one night, beat that! Hehehehe. Add a dash of carrot cake (not cai dao kway, an actual slice of cake!) and rojak and you'll have a rough idea of how satisfied I was in the aftermath. Mehehehaha.

Alright on another off-tangent altogether, I was rejected by Newcastle! Took me quite by surprise, that. Didn't expect that I'd get turned down! I'm so sorry annabel :/ But it does solve my initial dilemma as to whether I should go alone or not, so I guess.. A blessing in disguise? But really, I did intend to go to newcastle, don't doubt that! Not meant to be I guess.

Okay anyway this is something I wrote about a month ago, and I shall probably never continue so here it is.



On happiness.

Do I believe in the promise of happiness? I do. Do you too? I hope you do.

But there is something flawed with the whole concept of happiness, insofar as we'll never be able to answer the most pertinent question of all. Am I truly happy?

How do we know we can't be happier? How do we know that what we've got is as good as it gets? That we should (if ever) stop in our pursuit of happiness? And to finally look at ourselves and sigh contentedly, saying, "This then, is true happiness."

The problem is that happiness is an entirely arbitrary emotion. There is no tipping point (or at least not that I've experienced) where you suddenly realize, I am Happy. Maybe you're always cheating yourself when you think that, for surely you can be happier, somehow, no?

How do you know you've not made that one fatal mistake, one bad decision, previously, that has turned your life all awry? And that true 100% happiness is now forevermore barred to you. If you'd gone to a different school.. Not said that one word to that one person.. Not decided to cross the road at that moment.. Decided to tarry for another 5 minutes.. Who knows? The smallest things could have made the world of difference to you. Maybe you were 5 minutes away from meeting your 100% lover, but you decided on a change of shoes at the last moment. (I could be entirely wrong in equating true love to happiness, but I certainly do believe in that ideal. I digress)

But we can choose to be content. I believe contentment is more of an attitude you can choose to adopt. Happiness, though, is a different animal altogether. I believe happiness to be a live thing. Wild and tempestuous, it comes in waves, and sweeps you off your feet on tides of joy. Other times, it is calm, soothing, and envelops you and you are allowed to drift off and away into your dream of dreams. Happiness is a gift. The most excruciating gift you can ever hope to receive. And thus the most precious.

But there are those who have spent their lives searching for happiness. By spent, I mean just that. Some of them might have found it, but not realized it. And so they carry on with their searching, never knowing that they'd left happiness behind, inexorably traveling further and further away into that land called Morose. And some of them never ever find it, for any of a myriad reasons. Destiny/Fate (whatever the Vagaries decide to call themselves right now) or sheer luck, an entire life of misfortune and missteps. Where maybe that ha'step to the right could have brought him face to face with true happiness, a Happily Ever After waiting to happen.

Hmm. I like that. That out there somewhere, a Happily Ever After patiently awaits our discovery, whenceupon we can make up our Once Upon a Times.




That's where I ended, cause I started writing a story about Embittered Endings (of faerie tales, romances, and more) which ended up quite the disaster, and will not be reproduced here. Well that was all written a month ago and it is possible I am not the same person I was back then, but who ever knows eh?

Oh yes I wanted to add that looking at the bride and groom just now, I was wondering that everyone there would be having different thoughts or perhaps memories as they watch the night unfold. Anticipation and hope and longing (dread maybe?! haha) for the unwed and nostalgia, regret, those married. How many of them would be thinking back to the day they tied the knot, remembering their trepidation and apprehension, their hopes and their fears, their love back then?

Hmmm okay that's about it for the night. Might watch 50 first dates or play a game. You will realize that I'm tackling my movies in alphabetical order now, or rather, as of now still numerical. Saves me from agonizing over what genre of movie to watch! 300 was pretty good though, haha. Well goodnight all happy holidays to those who have them!

Paint The Sky With Silver Lining.

My foot hurts like a pangsai, which is a wonder, because I didn't even run the 8km yesterday. I am a Fallout Boy. Can't wait for my physiotherapy session (haha?) and hopefully that can help to fix the problem once and for all. So many niggling injuries here and there, it's quite irritating.

Okay a little (maybe a huge) sigh of relief there yesterday. One final hurdle and I'm home free! I wonder, for a scholarship board should I wear my specs and look stunningly scholarly, or should I not and look like cooldude92 instead? Pretty deep questions huh! I had better not mess this up anyhow!

Might watch Amelie later, although it's so upsetting that fastpasstv doesn't have Before Sunrise/Sunset. Although have to engage in menial labour yet again, right after lunch!

I believe I am somewhat deadened already to the world out there. Every week I am resigned to my dastardly fate of being confined over the weekends (and public holidays even, lagi dastard.) I even suspect that the day my confinement ends (far off in the horizon somewhere, if you choose to squint and maybe possess a telescope) I will feel quite... lost? Empty, perhaps. Hahaha ridykulous I know.

But two of our band are gone now, and today will be the last confinement another one serves. From 5 strong we will be reduced to 2, and not even that cause if it's just the 2 of us we'll probably choose to isolate ourselves in our rooms and nerd/geek our weekends away haha. 5.5 books left to read! Anw as I was saying, us kongregation of konfinees are slowly but surely diminishing now, tragedy! Like the passing of an era.

But yesyes, the outside world is a very good one indeed. Celebrating jolyn's birthday at Ding Tai Fung was a blast, although I think my keen lack of experience in a social setting (in the outside, real world, that is) was quite obvious! Hahaha confinement what have you done to me. It was great to see everyone again, some even for the first time since I set sail ages ago! Buggerrit. Anyhow, blessed two (no more one?!) zero jolyn!

Unfortunately will not be able to make yeemin's birthday, sorry bro! Or touch on saturday, what's new! Have not played for the longest time.

I had a dream a few nights ago where I was in a supermarket. The weirdest part about the dream was its clarity upon waking up. That and the fact that it featured a friend I've not seen for quite some time. Have not had a dream I could remember in a long time. Last one was probably the one about child soldiers in the himalayas, or the alps, or sth, falling to their deaths and entombed in an icy grave. But they left their guns behind.

Half awake in a fake empire / Laugh away in our fake empire. I'm not decided which one sounds nicer, although one of them is a mishearing of the lyrics of Fake Empire by The National. Anw have been listening also to Phoenix, a french rock band! Whoever heard of the french rocking! I thought it'd have been violins etc. in the City of Love! Maybe should catch Paris je t'aime next. Long long long long long long list of wants. Volver? Funnily, I'm not clearing any of the movies in my List of Movies to Watch, the one which is 150 strong. Boo boo.

Alright. I also have to decide what to do with my 3 hour long liberty later (which includes travelling from Tuas to Changi, criminal!) and whether I should cab around or just public transport it. Btw my total cab expenditure on Sunday was 45 dollars, plus a dinner I paid 18 dollars for.. that makes 63 dollars for about an hour spent with friends :O Imagine the number of hours that buys me in a LAN Shop!!! Heh. Worth it anyhow.

Maybe I'll resume my exploration of the east side of singapore. Eunos/Bedok/Simei? Okay set. Lights camera action! I'll watch 300 now. Bye and have a Happy Vesak's Day!

These Are The Tears Of Yesteryear.

Just completed some backbreaking hard labour. You would not want to be me right now. RCP, hard labour, no freedom, etc etc. Shan't whine more, I'm sure you know my sobstory by now! Haha. I hope I get to exploit a little technicality in the system and get to go for my cousin's wedding on saturday. I don't recall having ever been to a wedding in my life, nor a funeral. Apparently when I was less than 3yrs old I went to a wedding though, but to my dismay I have no recollection whatsoever :(

Listening to Hurts now, and subsequently I'll try Wild Beasts, or sth. Courtesy of my fellow confinee the epic Justin, quite possibly the g33kest of us all. The amount of games he buys and plays really puts me to shame, like I'm a fledgling gamer instead of a hard-boiled veteran. Hurts is pretty good though, I like the video for Wonderful Life and Stay.

By the by, I spilt this chocolate malt drink on myself just now. I was happily brewing it, as a just desserts for all that hard work we put in, when my shirt caught on the spoon and I dumped the entire cup and it's contents on me. I officially hate vile powdered 3-in-1 concoctions now argh. Super loserish. I think I'm going to smell faintly of choco-malt for the rest of the day, possibly and probably a psychological thing. Can drinks were also spilt/splashed on me at least 3 times yesterday. It is bewildering.

Anw last sunday on the way from SAFTI to Changi on the taxi, I looked out the window and the sky looked so.. peaceful, mellow? Haha idk how to put it. It was like in pastel colours, hues of blue and orange, sort of like a sky a kid would dream up.

Okay of all the hard labour we do, one of it comprises clearing up leaves from an entirely god-forsaken place (an impossible job. who remembers the man, maybe in dante's hell, who endlessly pushes a boulder up a slope only to fail for eternity?) Anw as I was doing that I was struck by a thought, that possibly, some ants could meet their soulmates because of what we were doing! I mean, some of them would probably never have met each other until we started rustling all those leaves and sweeping them from one place to another. Ant romance, pretty cool eh? Of course you've got only one Broodmother Ant, so I'm not so sure about family planning and all that. Ohwell I'm sure they'll work it out, maybe elope and escape the colony or sth.

Very very melancholy, and how does your garden grow?

(The weather was) Like a relationship on the rocks. Blowing hot and cold and the rain like the quiet tears of a lover in the wrong.

The sky hangs heavy, like your heart.

Yeah the sky has been somewhat overcast for a bit lately hasn't it? Foreboding, the impending rain. You'd think it'd provide welcome relief from the oppressive heat but somehow once the rain stops the heat and humidity sets in again, and it's sweltering once more. Sheesh.

Anw a few songs have been stuck in my head recently, some quite inexplicably. First and foremost is Bruno Mars' Marry You, which I heard on the radio by chance. Next, and for a few weeks now, is Hold It Against Me. Can't get "You feel like paradise" out of my head. And by far the worst, is S&M. One of the most stupid songs I've heard, everytime I hear it I go "seriously? geez" or sth similar. And Spoon's That's The Way We Get By, "We go out in stormy weather."

Cause all the pretty girls go to the city.

We own the sky.

Requiem for a dream.

Effervescent Adolescents.

Brave and loyal to a dream you do not know.

Okay that last one was from Sandman, the story about Deadeye Dick and Peter Himmels, pilots on different sides of the Great War. And it was originally Fluorescent Adolescents by the Arctic Monkeys.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to watch Requiem, sounds like heavy-going honestly. But I wish I could watch Micmacs at the movies, instead of streamed online sigh. Life is 'orrible indeed. Did I mention no vesak's day for me? SDAOjiasdjklhajslkdaslkdjiwqjdamnit.

So many things I wish to do after comms. I would like the hongkong trip to materialize. I would like to firm up australia. I would like to maybe go to cambodia, or vietnam? Sounds suddenly appealing. Maybe I should do a little more research in the area. Basic Diving Course, unfortunately no time for airborne too haha.

One from the dead-eyed to the doe-eyed.

What a brilliant way to say what I imagine must be a love song (or whatever) from boys to girls! Wild Beasts are pretty good hey.

I haven't played DotA in so long haha. I suspect after it dies out I'll stop gaming, maybe for good. Depends too on Diablo 3 probably, hehehe! I've not even played Kongregate in ages! This must mean I'm growing old, surely?! Ohnoes.

During what little bit of liberty we had yesterday, we had Starbucks and bought books from NTUC Fairprice (?! I know) and had Subway dabao-ed back for us. Inclusive of 24 cookies. Gyahahaha. A hot green tea latte and a scone [and sharing my friends' beef pie (basically lasagna in a pie, wut?) and sandwich] is enough to make one feel more alive and less confined! Yipee, a little bit. And while searching for ziploc bags, we stumbled upon a cache of books within the NTUC!!

It is a sign of how ridiculously nerdy we all are that we all stopped in our tracks and immediately began to browse through the books. Seriously. Like the biggest bunch of geeks/nerds around, and we're supposed to be officer cadets i.e. cool people. Don't get me started on the geekspeak. Anw I bought I Shall Wear Midnight (Terry Pratchett!!! and in hardcover too awesome much) and Bleak House, and Dr. Zhivago, and Zen & The Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance. All published by Vintage (save Terry Pratchett's.) And seriously vintage makes it impossible for one to resist buying their books. The have the nicest covers ever.

And my friend stole Alice in Wonderland from me. WHAT A SWINE. I WAS SO GOING TO BUY IT. And my other friend stole Moby Dick. OH.. OH.. OHHH!!!!!! I would destroy them if they weren't such delightful people. Sigh my capacity for compassion and magnanimity.. Okay whatever.

But yeah, I bought 4 books even in the midst of confinement!! I don't know whether that's a blessing or just very well disguised as one. I need to curb my spending maybe?!

Slept at 3am yesterday night because of more nonsense with my fellow confinees. Woke at 6. Maybe I should take a nap. Also put in a few chinese chess games yesterday. After a rude shock, I managed to acquit myself quite favourably, before slumping to 2 straight devastating losses! Demoralizing stuff. But really, epicest bunch of people to be confined with (not for much longer though, they haven't been quite as bad as I have been. I will suffer the rest of it alone) and I really am extremely thankful.

Let me not get started on how depressing this can all get! And I was feeling a tad troubled last night, over some rather serious issues i.e. moral courage etc. Blah.

Alright I'll be off now to continue with Sandman, and hopefully fit in a (in my entirely biased opinion) well-deserved nap too. Enjoy yourself, whatever you're doing, and be of good cheer!

Sadness Like Water Raining Down.

Well hi about an hour before I'm supposed to wake up. Awful. Short update here.

Finished watching Closer and Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Every minute that I get to sleep less because of watching these movies have been absolutely worth it. They aren't exactly love movies, but movies about love.

Loved the ending for Vicky Cristina Barcelona, even though from the tone of the movie you could see it coming. Penelope Cruz was such a riot to watch. Still don't like Scarlet Johansson much though :/ never really thought of her as very pretty. But Rebecca Hall was awesome too.

And I'm beginning to like Jude Law too, although I've never thought of him as being particularly handsome (never understood why some girls seem to go ga-ga over him.) All 4 leads were great, although as you might have expected I'm partial to Natalie. Alice's final scene with Dan was brilliant.

Anw just had probably my first themed party tonight. Hahaha. 4 of us confinees dressed up in our much-loved green army uniforms and had a maggi party. Objectively, a very poor theme, and a very poor party. But nonetheless, it was epic! You don't have many other fun things to turn to when you've been confined for weeks on end. Unbelievable that we all had a set of smart 4s to wear.

Anw thank goodness my fellow confinees are all slightly insane. We'd never have survived otherwise. Rather, what survival we might have had would have been utterly meaningless and boring and shitty. These are chaps I can spend hours talking nonsense to, on topics ranging from the slightly weird to the blooming crazy. They say madness is contagious and I say thank god it is so.

Btw I have been monstrously ravaged by mosquitoes. Monstrous. Ravaged. Spend 3hours plus almost absolutely still, watching your movies, and come out with like 102837 mosquitoes bites and how it itches!! So annoyed. Ubiquitous nasty little things. I'm trying to kill them all but mostly I'm either swatting air or beating myself senseless. Shall discontinue that.

Hopefully trip to hongkong materializes. And then to australia after that. And after that the rest of the world hehehe. Or something.

Anw my mind's sort of a blank now and I can't think of a better title so I'll use this, from Moby's Raining Again, even though I'm not really that into it haha. Sadness like water raining down, forming great big pools under your feet, and you're drowning. I might have put "Hello, stranger" as per Closer's opening line, but that would be floozy.

Alright goodnight what's-left-of-it. I forgot to add that George Yeo lost sigh. I'm quite upset about it! I'm not certain the outcome of the elections is going to be for the good of our nation. We shall have to wait and see, I guess. I have some other thoughts on these elections but for now I'll give dreaming a shot. Goodnight again.

Words That Would Melt In Your Hand.

Polling day, stuck in camp, same-old same-old. It'll be the same for another 6-7 weeks or so, projected book-out day being 18June, or 25June, which truly is disgusting. Ugh.

Anw I did manage to watch Thor on Monday so that's a little plus there. A movie that starts off with Natalie Portman in the first scene cannot help but reel me in haha. Okay I'm beginning to sound obsessive but in my defence.. Well there is none to speak of! Go Natalie! I think I'm gonna watch that show with her and Jude Law I cannot rmb who else. And a quick check on IMDB tells me there's this show Hesher, with both her and JGL!! Fan-heaven yay.

Listening obsessively also now to Moby's Extreme Ways from the Bourne trilogy, and everytime I think of Moby I think of HIMYM and how awesome it is (esp Lily ofcourse!) Also Simple Math by Manchester Orchestra. And still Two Door Cinema Club.

I sort of want to watch Biutiful. We're talking about the psycho-killer from No Country For Old Men here, Mr Javier Bardem. Who is I think married to Penelope Cruz (Vicky Cristina Barcelona next show to watch maybe?) and is going to appear as Roland Deschain in the movie adaptation of the Dark Tower!!!!! Whoa. Good choice there, I can see him as a gunslinger, although in my mind I am thinking of someone slighter in build. Hopefully the movie is as epic as the book though, I'd hate to be disappointed.

Should I start on Sandman: Book of Dreams next or How Late It Was? Have not been like in the zone regarding reading these few days. But it's okay. I have weeks and weeks and weeks to go. Really quite an unbelievable amount of confinements I've managed to accrue eh! I am such an idiot sheesh.

No sleep last night, but it was worth it. What a guilt-trip though! Haha. I only hope that we managed to make it worthwhile for them. I think they did well, and that they have done themselves proud. Let's hope this is a sign of good things to come, and that the 66th will turn out to be a much stronger batch than 65th ever was. Bravo Zulu 66th.

So I only slept at almost 2pm and woke at 6. So tired. Eyebags around my eyes threatening to have a gravitational field strong enough to suck light (and life) in.

This has been some week indeed. Ups and downs coming at me like cars on the autobahn (which reminds me that hot damn must go travelling soon! wanderluzt.) On the receiving end of yet more confinements. As if what I have isn't already bad enough. A hugely massively disappointing 2.4km run. Barely gold, if at all. Argh. I'm really quite angry with myself if you must know! Sigh. Someone must shake me out of this slump, and I have grave suspicions that the right person to do it, is me.

And I am also now, dateless for comms ball. Hahah! Oh noooooooooooooooooooo. I'm going to be an embarrassment, surely. I shouldn't have mocked my (now fellow) dateless friends sigh. I am too socially inept for sth like this pls.

But on the upside, the puzzle pieces of the bigger picture appear to be arranging themselves somewhat in order now. Quite a welcome turn of events indeed. I'd like to think that it was my awesome personal statement that did it for me haha. But whatever the reason, I'm quite glad that at least and at last, I have managed to get myself an offer from a university. I think my self-worth can pick itself up from the rocks at the bottom now.

That's the first piece. And then there's the scholarship board. One more step closer to the dream. But in gaming terms, that's another boss fight ahead of me. I hope I manage to slay the bugger well and good. It is the final impediment, and I pray I screw up not. This is my hopes and dreams hinge-ing on this one last obstacle. I have invested too much in this to fail now. I pray all goes well.

Really it all comes down to this. My future hanging in the balance. Sigh. So much gravityyyy damnnnnnnnn. Make or break time!

"People they come together, people they fall apart
No one can stop us now, 'cause we are all made of stars"

Heh alright then goodnight! And all the best studying for your papers or sth, I'll be watching Closer!

She's Got Sunset On Her Breath.

Okay hello. Have been listening to a deluge of happy songs lately actually, to cure me of my malaise haha. No more emo-momo4me!

It's started off with Two Door Cinema Club's Something Good Can Work an infectiously happy song and then I started listening to all their songs and I've been quite happy thus far. I also listened to Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros cause they just seem like such a happy bunch. And then She & Him cause you cannot help but be brightened up by a little bit of Zooey Deschanel in your life. She looks terribly like Bones in the video for Why Do You Let Me Stay Here though, doesn't she! Esp in that cowboy rig.

Need soooooooo much time to catch up on tv serials, it's such a massive undertaking that I'm reluctant to even begin at all now, more fool me! Anw life would be so terrible without youtube, I have realized.

All of a sudden I am a debater and I have to study politics and the PAP! And I'm reading Hard Truths now, which I'd always wanted to but never got around to. What a way to get my reading up to speed! Woo.hoo. Have not done debate since like sec 2? Actually I'm not even sure when, that's how long ago it was. Hope I don't choke haha. Have to bring all my powers of persuasion to bear, which isn't much probably! Will be fun.

Anw I really feel like I'm in stuck now. Like my chance is slipping away. Taken far too long, done far too little. Been far too immaterial. Gah. But it's okay I guess. Time will pass and so too this feeling. But I don't want to have to live with my regrets. So.

Anw I love the Beatles reference in 40 Day Dream. "(And if) it's the magical mystery kind (then it) must be a lie. Good-bye to the too good to be true kind of love." Gr8.

Have to resume my studies now so I shall leave you guys now, a man (you say boy) with a dance in his step and a song in his heart. Au revoir. (I have decided to take a nap instead of study, g'job procrastinator!)



You took Happiness by Her hand and led her out of my life, but you didn't get her out of my mind.

FALL IN LOVE, NOT IN LINE.

This Is The Sound Of Poison.

Okay for sure this time I'm keeping it short. Haha. String of broken promises left behind me, at least they're only to myself. Okay. Moving on.

These few days have been crap. Been on the receiving end of way too much shitty news sigh. I'm basically here to moan, don't mind me, please.

I could be depressed! I really am feeling pretty down now, so don't come near me, don't talk to me, I'll probably be an ass in return for your kind words. Damnit. This sucks hard and I am beginning to despair.

I feel like all hope has been snuffed out. And I am wading through endless days of meaninglessness. Not all is well. All is not well. You know, I am actually frowning and sulking, for real. Probably look like a whiney brat now haha.

Apparently us confinees have this 'prisoner mindset' alr, although I have no idea what that's supposed to mean haha. Anw only 2 months to go so please let me hang on. I am beginning to harbour thoughts of giving up and ooc-ing and reverting back to an nsf so I can just leave after another year. Insidious thoughts are a-brewing.

Sorry bout this. Just need to release my frustrations into cyberspace. Maybe this could give me a modicum of sanity. Sigh I think I'm going to go mad soon.

I'm really piqued at how I always manage to do the wrong things at wrong times. Say the wrong words. I must really stop screwing up everything that could (as ever, undecided) mean something to me.

Give me something to rejoice at. To cheer for. To feel alive with.

Or conversely, give me some time. And I'll be back to normal again.

Like always.

I promise you, I will not be like this again. Good-bye.

Of A Mediocre Dreamer; Dreams.

Hihi everybody. Still stuck in confinement. No respite! As me and my brother would say, no hope for the hopeless, no help for the helpless. I think I've a fair bit to share this time, but I'll keep it short hopefully. I think my waxing is not exactly lyrical (much as I'd like to think otherwise!)((These brackets don't help matters much either)) so I'll try and get it over and done with, eh? (((Anyway I have this preternatural premonition I'm gonna fail, so bear with me.)))

It's funny how much of a frenzy there has been over these elections! A brouhaha, or sth. Not exactly a fracas. Somehow the atmosphere is so much more charged than before, which I rmb going through cause of the James Gomez saga on mrbrownshow (which unbelievably, I first got hooked onto 5years ago?! Seems like just yesterday.) I'm quite worried over Aljunied actually, I think whichever way the vote swings, we as a nation will lose out anyways. A lose-lose situation. Either our best opposition team loses, spelling disaster for the entire opposition movement, or we drop George Yeo. I think he's one of the best ministers we've got, a brilliant man. My side will be fun though, the hitherto unknown Manpower Minister, apparently my MP, against the power couple. Anw it seems like our generation isn't so apathetic toward politics afterall!

Sunset over Singapore. I saw that as we were sailing around the straits this week, and I was just thinking: not many people ever get to see this view eh? The sun setting over the town and all the massive steel constructs in CBD. And thereafter the skyglow [a form of light pollution! what a pretty name for an ugly phenomenon (not that the sight is ugly, I mean the pollution bit)] which shut out the stars.
Skyglow. The dreams of a million people illuminating the nightsky.
Skyglow. The dreams of a million people exposed; caught like deer in headlights.
Which has a nicer ring to it? But I like the idea of dreams as deer, frozen, rigid and soon to be very dead. So maybe we shouldn't ever expose our dreams.

Maybe if we keep very still and remain perfectly silent, we will be able to hear the plaintive cries of our dead and dying dreams, all about us. Cut down by someone else, or afflicted of the poison that is reality, or left to slowly die by the wayside of our minds. An ode to the dreams we have left behind/outgrown/been forced to abandon/forgotten.

On sunday I was taking the MRT en route to booking in, and as I was leaving the train, these 2 ladies (in their 20s? working crowd anyhow) totally checked me out!! Hahaha. Must be the liberty rig (penguin suit), or I look really old or sth! Anyhow, ego booz..!! Hahaha.

Noonday chime! First I've heard in ages, I think.

So on monday/tuesday I woke up with a sore eye. No, I did not get boxed by someone. It was just a rich red hue. To prevent spreading the infection I decided to shut my eye. I realized how much difference there is when you only use one eye, sth about depth perception or sth I think? So I embarked on an experiment! to for that one day keep my left eye shut all the way. I embarked upon it and ended it about an hour later, cause I think I was beginning to look silly and my eye had stopped hurting and normalcy had returned to it. I think one day if I'm at home I should try wearing an eye-patch for the whole day. Should be fun. Maybe I'll procure one, hopefully skulls and bones!

My friend has been listening to What Are Words obsessively of late. So I was just wondering at how true that was. What are words? Words are cheap and tears flow freely. They come easy. Words are however you want them to be (except when, under the most beautiful circumstance, words do not suffice) and you can paint any picture you want with them. Any portrayal whatsoever you wished. Artificial. What then, the value of words? A sophisticated branch in the development of communication and language (which includes body language and the like.) Words have the ability to mean nothing at all.

Yeah. And I realize that all I am, is full of words. I build myself up on words and most of the things I do are centered around words. But What Are Words indeed? Maybe all I'm doing is absolutely meaningless. I've built myself on a house of cards. A precipitous edifice. And one day it will all come tumbling down. That's how I feel sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder what exactly I'm doing. What I'm doing here. What I'm doing with myself. What I'm doing with the people around me. Sometimes I just feel so silly, and I can't help it. Sigh. Another bad day. How upsetting that just an hour after the noonday chime the day has morphed itself into another one of those.

I'm beginning to feel a little weighed down by all these confinements. It's a real drag. Bah. I think I've been a little to fixated on myself of late. Let's try to be less moody. Whisper words that mean nothing, to me.

Anw I like Pink. She's just so bad-ass haha. Aforementioned friend was listening to Bleepin' Perfect which I never knew was by her, although surely I could have guessed! Sth so liberating about her music haha.

Like the shouting and screaming by Karen O (YEAH YEAH YEAH'S) and Tilly and the Wall's Pot Kettle Black. I totally thought that was a new YYY song when my brother let me hear it last year! But you can't beat a band who has a tapdancer for percussions. Random or? And it's a wonder she has breath to sing while tapdancing! Damn fit.

Anw we discovered and exploited the Sony Playstation 1 we have in camp. Awesome or?! One day later, I have destroyed opponents using Bison, Chun-Li and more. I have won the 2002 World Cup with Italy (Del Piero my top goal scorer with 8! L3g3nd.) And I have completed Disc One of Final Fantasy 8 (at 5am last night.)

I. Am. A. Loser. I am unbelievably worthless as a person!! Srsly who knew that one man could game so much in one day?! But still an improvement from my pri/sec sch days anyhow. Hahaha! I am teh geeks. If you share my interests, check out Dorkly! Priceless, man. I laughed-out-loud at the "2 Falcon Punches Meet" video. zomgz.

Okay enough of that. I am hurting my manly-man image. Btw I have also resumed my Wild Sheep Chase (Murakami) and it is shaping up to be awesome, as I knew it would.

"In this world there are only two types of people, the mediocre realists and the mediocre dreamers."

Btw would someone pretty please help me buy this Murakami set that's available in Kinokuniya (I think) I'd be indebted 4eva? My sis told me about it but.. I don't exactly have the time or opportunity to go out bravely into the real world (I'm being kept safe in camp) to buy it. Anw as Gru (of Despicable Me fame) would say, the physical appearance of the word 'please' makes no difference whatsoever! Haha brilliant.

ANWAYY I just found out I'm my mom's only friend on facebook!!! And the only thing she has on her wall is: Hi mummy! I'm your only friend! on the 5th of December 2009, hilarious!

Oh poo. Further research tells me that she has 2 accounts on fb and on her other one she has more friends. I'm glad for her.. but quite sad that I'm no longer unique :(( hahahaha. Anw I found this out cause I wanted to comment happy mother's day on her wall, but it appears I got the date wrong omg. I'm such a kluts.

Alright I'm done for now. Got stuff to do, unfortunately, and I'm still hoping this doesn't turn out too long. I'll make an effort to keep my posts short now, firstly it means time spent not doing other things, secondly long posts are probably an indication of a high level of self-indulgence, and nobody wants that, thirdly I think I'm becoming a bore, fourthly I think maybe silent meta-cognition might be a better thing than blaring my thoughts to all who take the pains to read this.

Although pent-up cooped-up thoughts are a real misery to bear. It's always nice and easy to share, but maybe life isn't about the easy paths, not all the time. Btw I just heard the theme song for House!! Y'know, the one at the start, as they walk down the hospital pathway? Massive Attack - Teardrops. The starting line says: Love, love is a verb. Love is a doing word.

True that. Many-a-times we think of it as a noun. As something to be found. As something to possess. As something we lose. Maybe the noun only crystallizes after the action. So first, we have to think of love as a verb.

This has been a little longer than I'd expected. And disjointed too, cause I'm just putting down whichever of the memories that answered my recall.

I'll end here with a regaling of some of the thoughts that struck my fancy this week. Some are off lyrics, song titles, wtv. There are so many that I forget, though, and it irks me so. Anyhow.

Everything that goes up converges.

Phantom fires burning across the landscape of our phantom love.

I'll put my heart on the line.

Random roaming in the east, solace in solitude.

Wind Runner Girls. (I dreamt a dream of frightening clarity, except that the most important bits of it I cannot recall. They are floating a hair's breadth away from reach. If that dream had a title though, it would not be this. But this is the closest I can get to remembering what the title should be, and it captures a part of the essence of that dream. I was asleep for half an hour.)

Good day.

EDIT: Oh oh let me add that I hope to finish disc 2 of FF8 by tonight too!! Not much hope of that tho sigh :/ Just a dream.

EDIT2: Let me add this one line by Arcade Fire - "Between the click of the light and the start of the dream" Sounds like such a nice way to describe the period of time you're waiting to fall asleep after turning off the light. And sometimes you're striving to fall asleep. Toss. And turn. And plagued by thoughts. And maybe scared of the dark too. And maybe wracked by self-doubt. And maybe the monster under your bed decides to spring out at last. And maybe you're terrified that to-night, you'll have nightmares. And terrified that maybe to-night, you will not dream. Or maybe you're lying in the dark, hoping that to-night, you get to dream. Or something.

EDIT3: No more FF8 for me, banned from the Playstation :((( Woe, woe indeed. Woe Man.