A Safe Asylum From The Pouring Rain.

I walked home and it was raining and it felt great until I sneezed. Then I felt not so great and more like sick.

So sleepy, really tired but fun day nonetheless. I set 2 alarms for 5 and 5.05 so I won't miss bbss dinner later. I was falling asleep at market during lunch and I'm falling asleep now. Bye.

Tell Me Baby, Are You Lonely?

Guess not.

And Love Is Just A Lyric In A Children's Rhyme.

A soundbite. This line from keane just popped up and refused to go away. And is it any wonder that I'm tired? Great lyrics, I daresay.

I had this most emo walk home. If there were a competition for emo walks mine would walk out with Mr Personality, Mr Congeniality and of course the Grand Title of EMO WALK OF ALL TIME itself. Cool or?

Methinks I am a shrimp. In your estimation, no doubt. Or mayhaps a fly. Okay just imagine something absolutely inconsequential, and that its (yeah its so inconsequential and puny don't bother imagining a gender for it) name is de yan. And then imagine you just brush it off. Okay that's nowhere near colourful enough a description. You crush it and trample it and never look back. Maybe abit too strong a desicription, but it serves well enough. Okay so you've just done all that. Yey you! GJ.

You are godzilla, I am japan! You are steamroller, I am retard cockroach on the road looking for 1-hit-KO! Yey me!

I guess not so much emo as angry hey? I'm so very angry at myself. My goddamn subconscious for betraying me, gj! Please throw up more dreams to trip me up next time much appreciated love muchies. And then I was thinking again (!) and suddenly got irritated at someone. In fact trying to shift the blame. Exercise in futility, no? So I'll let this irritation pass and not let it affect anything. Dunno why I'm pointlessly seeking to deflect the blame and to distribute the fault on my shoulders. If I think past my pride for just one second I realize the problem is me. Was me. Whatever.

I was just thinking how prideful I was. Cocky and arrogant and irritating. That was a long time ago. I thought I put it behind me but always there's that prideful man lurking around. I say man I mean boy. Pride is so childish. Pride directing your actions and your thoughts. So afraid of being ashamed you don't do anything of note. Too late for regrets, no?

Okay I'm getting tired. Work in the morning tmr yahoo. Everyday now so same yet so different, going to work and eating after work, so much comfort in repetition. People like order in their lives. School. Or work. Or even contracts! These are things that you have to commit yourself to and are pretty much out of your control. It's nice sometimes for things to be out of your control. Mindless machines, mayhaps. But happy, content ones. That's why school was so awesome. Since you had to go to school everyday anw you made the most out of it, and the result (I hope) was awesome. Now work, its monotony is even bleaker. Imagine your life. And the next 40 years of it. Doing. The. Same. Thing. Makes you want to go insane, if only just to spice your life up.

I think I could go insane. Not the you know, in your face abrasive kind of insane. More the sort of loopy omg-what-randomness-is-he-gonna-perform-next kind of insane, the kind that doesn't hurt or offend the people around you. At the very least nobody will ever have any sort of idea of what to expect from you. Expectation bad. Letting person be himself good. And does an insane person know he's insane? So oft asked, but will we ever get an answer? It's a downright mystery, it is. If an insane person says he knows he's insane, can you trust him? Or is he just messing with you? Or is his brain messing with him? Sometimes I wish that, you know maybe later in life after accomplishing everything I wanted to, I'd just go insane, if only to answer this question cause who likes living life without any answers? Then again who likes living life with all the answers? Too tired to try and think deep I'll stop here.

So tired. Don't want to think. So tired. Goodnight.

I'm Not Me For Me, I'm Me For You.

Yes, you.

Sometimes I think it'd be nice if we could live our lives.. how do you put it.. all alone? That is, never accountable to anyone else. We wouldn't have to worry about the consequences of our actions and we'd never owe anything to anyone. We'd live the lives we've secretly always wanted to live, all action and reaction, bypassing thought absolutely. Sometimes I think that would be nice.

If you were sad you could withdraw into yourself and there'd be nobody to pull you out. Sometimes I think that would be nice. If you were angry you could destroy something and there'd be nobody out there trying to justify your actions for you. Sometimes I think that would be nice. If you were happy you could celebrate with wild abandon and there'd be nobody looking at you with reproach in their eyes. Sometimes I think.

And I think and I think and I think. Sometimes to no avail. Sometimes I approach clarity. All that above, it's just too selfish. However much you might wish otherwise, whatever happens to you affects others too (I hope it does, it'd be too sad otherwise). And as such you have a responsibility to the people around you. However much you might wish otherwise, sometimes. I'm not just me to me, or for me. I'm also me for all the people around me. I'm a friend, a son, a brother, a (fill in the blank). Whatever I am to you, I have a responsibility to you. And whatever happens to me, I cannot and will not forsake that responsibility. Whatever happens to me, I will not let it affect me cause I want to be the same person to you, son, friend, brother, or (fill in the blank).

And whatever selfish self-destructive tendencies I might ever have is tempered by the fact that I could never bring myself to let down the people around me. Yes, that's you. So have no worries, friend/family/(fill in the blank) I'll come out perfectly fine. As always. But give me some time, sometimes, to hurt and whine and be very upset. I need some down time sometimes.

I was just thinking, hey, I was made for this. This is perfection. I can watch movies alone, borrow and buy and read books, indulge in music for hours on end, play dota, and work, among many other things that fill up my life. I can get over anything, and I can do it alone. I'm not averse to company, however. Solitude so emo and over-rated. But never have a care that I'll ever be unhappy cause you know, I amuse myself no end. I'm the happiboi.

I don't want get out of this jaded. Bitter. Cynical. I want to still believe that hope springs forth eternal. The fear that you will have destroyed my optimism and naivety and belief, it is unfounded. Never fear, never regret, never look back. Never.

Life is all about possibilities. True, no? It's all about seeing the possibilities, and doing all you can, you strive and you fight, to make that possibility a reality. And growing up, it's all about learning to ignore those possibilities. Some of them look all shiny and alluring, but you have to learn to disregard some of them sometimes. You have to learn to let go, and back off. As a child everything was possible. Or so you thought. Now you learn of impossibilities, and it is sad. It is a sad world where there exist impossibilities, where not everything is possible. Growing up is a sad business.

And if amidst all this sadness, you see a possibility for happiness and you decide to go for it, don't hold back. Fight for it. Don't look back. You fight and claw your way to make this possibility reality. If you honestly think you could be happy, go for it. Nobody has the right to stop you. Go. And never look back.

Don't think don't think don't think. I hate it when I start thinking again. I absatively mean it when I say I need a release from this troublesome mind. dontlike2emo92. But still. So easy? So freaking easy? Not that I don't want it, but the ease and speed? Damn it. Unbelievable. Self-worth -2138719 yey thanks. This sucks. I must really suck hard wtf. I'll stop here.

Gah.

I'm Tired.

Yes I am. I missed yew tee on my way home. I took to kranji then back again cause I slept on the train. What a stupid waste of time. No matter, my time's hardly worth anything anymore anyway. But still stupid. Ugh.

I barely survived work. At least I could still engage in idle chit-chat or I'd have fallen asleep no doubt. And thank heavens for the discovery of the amazing rejuvenative powers of coffee beans (and its subsequent product coffee)! I survived by the skin of my teeth.

So I knew it wasn't gonna be an awesome day. Not exactly the right state of mind I wanted to be in. I was right. Oh well.

I was too tired to put up any pretense. I was too tired to act like everything was normal. I was too tired to be (or feign to be) happy. I was too tired to do anything but mope about like a loser which is exactly what I told myself I wouldn't do. And it's Easier To Run. Good old Linkin Park song in yeemin's one and only meteora cd which we were listening to last night while playing the mahjong which caused me all this fatigue. But it's true, I found it so much easier to just avoid anything and everything that could even have a possibility of.. something. Anything. Walk off. Turn away. Look elsewhere. Pretend to sleep. Hello cowardice!

So pathetic really. I'm sitting on the platform of kranji station and thinking how I messed up yet again. That was a bad idea to stayover thinking I could last the long day. Couldn't even muster up more than a few words over dinner. Oh well. Anyway happy birthday woonshin. Have a blessed 19th birthday.

Enjoy yourself, and stay safe tonight. Goodnight.

Happiboi.

Lie cheat steal burn.

I want to. But I don't. And I won't. And I'm very happy now thank you very much. Are you?

Please.

Racy days help me through the hopeless haze
But my oh my
Tragic eyes that I can't even recognize myself behind
So if the answer is no,
can I change your mind?

Out again, a siren screams at half past ten
And you won't let go
While I ignore that we've both felt like this before
It starts to show
So if I have a chance,
would you let me know?

Why aren't you shaken;
sent back in time?
Graciously taken-
Oh you're too kind

And if the answer is no,
can I change your mind?

We're all the same
And love is blind
The sun is gone
before it shines

And I said if the answer is no,
can I change your mind?
If the answer is no,
can I change your mind