Saturday 30 July 2016

For Someone Else.

It's the last goodbye I swear
I can't rely on a dime-a-day love
That don't go anywhere

I learn to cry for someone else
I can't get by on an odds and ends love
That don't ever match up

I heard all you said
And I took it to heart

I won't forget I swear
I have no regrets
For the past is behind me
Tomorrow reminds me just where

Can't quite see the end
How can I rely on my heart if I break it
With my own two hands?
I heard all you said and I love you to death
I heard all you said don't say anything

It's the last goodbye I swear
I can't survive on a half-hearted love that will never be whole.


What strange paths life takes sometimes. Who could have guessed this is where we'd end up after all this time, after all the twists and the turns, all the longing and uncertainty and missteps and self-doubt and heartache? How does it make sense that sadness is the only way out of this tangled mess we've somehow contrived to get ourselves into? What does it mean when mutual disappointment and regret mean nothing at all?

Not quite nothing, perhaps. But it's the lingering frame, in my mind, of two on-screen lovers making the most colossal mistake of their lives, never considering the possibility that this, this might be a mistake after all. Whether from pride, stubbornness, or some sense of responsibility, or duty, or something. And you're sitting there and you're thinking: what responsibility? duty to whom! what are you guys thinking? come on. please. please! wake up.

It lingers. That's what regrets do, after all. And yet some things, once begun, can never be undone. No matter how much they hurt, no matter how much you think and re-think them. Irreversible; past the point of no return. And the earlier you recognize that the better - for everyone involved. Because some things are simply irretrievable. Because everything changes. Circumstances change. People change. You can never step in the same river twice.

And so the narrative unfolds (perhaps even concludes - maybe nothing else happens.) Complex equations on a curve achieving a brief, brilliant, intersection; nothing but a beautiful tangent in time. And then separation: inevitable, irrevocable, undeniable. Quite simple, after all.

f(t): As t (time) increases, so does x (where x refers to any number of things - distance, indifference, etc.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is that these things happen. That these are the inescapable (sometimes inexplicable, despite the fancy equations) consequences of trying to figure out what exactly life is meant to mean to you. And that yes, despite the hurts, this is how you trudge on, one step at a time - bloodied feet or not. Would you have it any other way? Because despite these things, I don't think I'd have done anything any differently. (Okay, that's a stretch. There's plenty of things I wish I would have done differently - but none of the big things, I guess is what I'm trying to say.)

No matter how much I rue my immaturity, my haste, my impatience, my lack of faith, etc. Could I have learnt these lessons and grown this much over this last year any other way? These things shape you, let you discover and even mould you into the person you're supposed to grow into. Because these things were meant to do just that.

And how could I ever want it any other way? Because there are things you just cannot regret. How can I ever say that I regret these things, when these things include too all these memories, accumulated slowly over all these years, culminating in the brief frenzy of those final few months? (I will not tarry here - self-preservation dictates that this must be so.)

Wrong time, wrong place. Wrong people. Maybe this was never meant to work out after all. Maybe we were uniquely unsuitable for each other. Uniquely placed to disappoint each other in unique ways. Maybe 1 percent was a bridge too far for us. But I will not, cannot, regret trying. It really would have been such a pity otherwise, no? At least Icarus flew.

So yes. This is how life goes - one day at a time - t increases, we move on. Because we have to. And a curious, unmistakable optimism: if even our mistakes turn out this way - for the better, in case you misread the tone of this post - then surely we are in good hands. As I cannot help but believe, increasingly, that: we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, who have been called according to His purpose. Because if there's anything that I've learnt it's this: to put my faith in God; not in the things of this world.

Such a basic lesson, that. Fundamental, really. But until you find yourself putting so much faith in, pinning so much of your hopes on, these other things, you never really do realize just how hard it is to do something so basic. Just how important it really is.

As this slowly winds down; as I begin to lose my train of thought and grapple with what else there is left to say - with what else there is that I should not say - there is at least this one more thing: I'm sorry that this whole post is such a self-centred one. This was not meant to be a confessional or anything; simply one person's attempt to navigate the minefield of emotions and reactions that all this has triggered. As above, self-preservation dictates that this must be so. Anything else would be a much more painful affair.

I can strive for at least a modicum of objectiveness and detatchment only by looking at things from a purely singular point of view: that of someone tacitly accepting the outcome of this (that this was; this is; this had to be), looking back, looking for what he's gained, weighing this against what he's lost.

I wish I could say: For you, a thousand times over. But I can't. (And it's not because of you.) So I simply have to accept that what's done is done, because I can't allow myself to think in any less-clear terms.

(And it's not because of you) because you deserve someone who would persevere; someone who would fight harder to get through to you. And that someone is not me. Because after the initial frustration (even bitterness), after the initial struggle, I really did make peace with the facts - no matter how much I wanted to at times, I could not and would not do anything to change those facts. Again: uniquely situated to disappoint.

So here it is: the last goodbye. How often do you get to appreciate that word? "Good-bye". And I sincerely do believe, and trust, that it is indeed good. I wish you nothing but the best (this, unfortunately, has the ring of Adele to it sigh) in all that you do - and you have got so much more yet to do! Friends, I'm pretty sure, only want the best for each other, too. This is not our last goodbye yet; merely a bittersweet farewell to a now-closed chapter of our lives - one that will always hold many cherished moments, fond memories - closed now, and forever. Goodbye (: