Sunday 30 January 2011

Her Glow Is Like Braille To The Night.

I hope this isn't a long post. I have many sleeps to catch up! Worsest week is over, it is time to rejoice! Hurrah. 1 hour or less of sleep every night (or no sleep at all, as is the wont) isn't an experience I'm keen to relive, and the final execution of the exercise itself was even more mentally taxing (I thought it'd be a breeze argh.) At least I performed pretty decently, I think! Yey.

I think having something to look forward to helped loads. Be it the night (it's still comforting to be in it even when you're armed with the knowledge you aren't gonna get much sleep) or the weekends (which in retrospect I wouldn't have if I'd known I'd be confined!!!!! Sometimes foreknowledge is overrated) or food (I almost had to truck in my food supplies. Hot chocolate in the dead of night makes me happy. 'Nuff said) or any other pleasant things you have in mind. Which was odd cause I didn't expect to have many pleasant things in mind, so surprise surprise! I did. Fascinating. The week felt pretty surreal really.

So yeah. Hapz week training wise, then booked out for all of 8 hours. Home was a touch and go affair, I tarried there for maybe 15mins tops, before heading out again without even changing out of my clothes! Horrible feeling. Went shopping, or rather, attempted shopping. The only things I managed to purchase were for my friends, and only cause they were necessities. I think I need some guidance, like a How-To or a Shopping for Dummies or sth. I can't continue feeling clueless everytime I step into a boutique or sth.

So, as you may have realized, I'm back in camp. The gloriously awaited weekend I'd been longing for all week did not materialize. It's okay. I will stay stronk. At least I managed to go to zhikai's place to get the CNY goodies from his mom! Talk about saving grace. $102 on gastronomical satisfaction. Almond cookies, pineapple tarts, macedamian (however in the world do you spell this?!!) cookies, kueh bangkit, something else and something else. I can't even recall what I bought I was just like nodding my head at whatever suggestions she threw at me. Don't get to enjoy them this weekend though :((

So, we watched the Green Hornet. It was a terrible idea. Conversely, you could say that it was a great idea. It saved everyone of us the $10 dollars or so we'd have otherwise squandered meaninglessly. It was god-awful. The protagonist was such an asshole I don't even know why anyone would be rooting for him at all. Pui. The number of retardedly cringeworthy lines was honestly quite astonishing. It was trying really hard to be funny, and as much as I value effort, the result was disastrous. What a hateful movie. I'm so upset with myself that I actually sat through the whole thing. ARGH!!!

So, another thing I was looking forward to but could not happen was the dinner tonight. I'm sorry guys, circumstances gave me no other choice than to miss dinner! No full attendance today, and it's my fault. I have failed the circle.. But it's okay there's still CNY or sth so it's not all doom and gloom! Must squeeze in a mahjong session sometime or not this CNY will never be regarded as a proper CNY. No ZMMT no CNY spirit. That's one of my core values.

So today, the hills were alive with the sound of rain! That's cause I was at Bukit Batok, so that classifies as a hill, so my cultural reference werks out perfectly yahoo. I mention this cause I've been getting caught in the rain all day, which would have been delightful had I not been in my liberty rig (the white shirt black pants combo that is.) I got trapped in a coffeeshop for many minutes and it was like an odd little oasis of calm where I was stuck in limbo and doing nothing, in a day where I was trying to pack as many things as I could into my 8hours in the free world. Rain makes one so muse-y (I don't mean the band.)

So, would it be nicer as 'braille in the night' or 'braille to the night'? I was pretty undecided between the two, but I think having 'to the night' sort of gives nighttime character, rather than being just a situation. If you know what I'm talking about. I like how the word braille is used, it's such a unique turn of phrase. The line's lifted from a song by the way, I'm not so cunning in my use of english to come up with something that could include braille in it!

One of my biggest takeaways this week is the importance of affirmation. Not that I didn't already know its importance, but actually getting some form of it does make me feel happy indeed! I hope it doesn't blow my head up instead though haha! Coincidentally there was also peer appraisal done this morning, and the comments were surprisingly decent! Such a morale-booster.

It's like everytime you do something, you leave this morale cannister behind. But you can't activate it. And when someone does (by acknowledging your good work or sth) FWOOOOSH!!!! MORALE +50! Or sth like that. I should sleep soon.

Anw the whole week Ive been listening to music, more like re-listening actually. Coldplay probably emerges tops this week. Fix You (Tears stream, down your face) and X&Y (I want to love you but I don't know if I can) being 2 of the standouts. Death Cab comes next, First was Transatlanticism (I need you so much closer) which I don't have on my mp3 but I suddenly remembered and youtube-d, and which I think is breathtaking, both song and lyrics. We Looked Like Giants (And I held you closer, than anyone would ever get) is a perfect example of how awesome they sound when they go all rock-y, and A Lack Of Colour which is perenially one of my favourite songs (I should have given you a reason to stay.) Jolly good stuff!

Oh and there's The Unwinding Cable Car by Anberlin, which could be worth a listen!

So as usual this did turn out to be a long post. Whoever heard of anyone typing themselves to tiredness?! I do believe I'm the only idiot who does that. Fare thee well sleep, my idiot fingers just won't stop! It's a tragedy.

A twinge is all. That's all I needed to know.

Monday 24 January 2011

The King of Me.

The king of Me
Lonely.
His kingdom built
On jealousy.
He was bitter, and angry
Ugly.
Until he met somebody
Needless to say, she was a she.
She very almost changed his life
He wanted her, as his wife!
"I'll gamble away my throne
For a chance, the slightest chance
To call you my own."
She declined gently.
She stole away;
His breath away.
So there was he,
The king of Me.
Lonely.

Hokay. I was thinking of something which would rhyme with "throne" after mishearing the lyrics of Beirut's Nantes. I found the idea of gambling away a throne rather arresting. So I thought it could be an interesting variant on giving one's heart away. The king of Me I thought was someone who was stuck in his own kingdom of solitude and I assume he'd be quite bitter about that! So gambling his throne away would be him taking the risk of falling in love. Well that's what came to mind when I misheard those lyrics.

Also I have this tendency to try and rhyme some of the words and phrases I see, it's such a kindergarten/primary school habit. So I decided to try and come up with one whole rhyme about this king. It's supposed to be nonsense, so I tried a little joke in there too. Hahah.

She stole away; my breath away. I don't know how well that fits there, it was a last minute decision to put it there haha. I came up with it a while back and I think it's one of the best phrases I've ever thought up! I like it quite alot. I think it neatly describes someone whom you love(d) who has left you, doesn't it? And dressed up in simple words too. Hehe I'm quite pleased with myself you can probably tell.

Also it could describe someone whom you've met for only just one fleeting moment, who took your breath away, but disappeared forevermore. Or something like that I guess. It makes me wonder how sometimes it's the simplest words and phrases that speak the most eloquently to you. No need for fancy words or anything haha.

I don't think I'll be filing this under 'Story', firstly cause it isn't one, and secondly cause probably when the sheen of fatigue is lifted from my eyes I'll look at this and be quite embarrassed by it haha! Silly little rhyme. I do come up with lots of rubbish when I'm tired don't I! Sigh, nasty practice, that. So maybe just take away from this post the phrase I proudly coined, and the lyric I misheard.

And sigh, it's time to wake up actually. The week has barely started and I've already chalked up 1 x sleepless night. Ominous!

EDIT: I forgot to add that Neon Trees' Animal is absolutely beastly! Fantastic. Catchy groovy tune, and I like the lyrics too! "Here we go again, I kinda wanna be more than friends." and "Take a bite of my heart tonight/ Say goodbye to my heart tonight." Clever.

Also check out The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, I'm into the acoustic versions of their songs now, those from their smashing album It's Blitz, and especially Turn Into, which is a gem. Another nice song is Diamond Sea which is a cover of Sonic Youth. Makes staying up worthwhile hehe.

Tuesday 18 January 2011

It's Good To Be In Love.

Heylow guys. 4th day in a row at home now, I must say I feel terribly lazy already. Also I feel terrible. Not as terrible as yesterday and the day before though, although I'm still wracked by cough and more recently bodyaches too. Shall stop whining about me, I'm obviously trying to garner some sympathy here so please ignore me. Every one of us is secretly a child crying out to be pampered and cared for by someone. Except when you're a child it's your parents you're crying to, when you're older you become less selective (maybe cause no one at all seems to care) and you're crying out for anyone, anyone at all.

I digress. Anw my title isn't about my being in love. (Of course not I'd never divulge that even if I were.) So angela and jolyn and any other kpk (kay poh kia) out there, please don't get too agitated and hurt yourself or something. It's the title of a song by Frou Frou and it is excellent. If you care to listen to the music I listen to, do listen to it. It's such a sad song, about seeing the person you love in love, just not with you.

I can't decide between that and Write About Love as my current fave. My infatuation with Carey Mulligan tells me it's the latter, my mind leans towards the lyrics and sadness of It's Good To Be In Love. Best sort of dilemmas to get stuck in, to have to choose between two brilliant songs!

Which reminds me I might Write About Love in one of my posts. Not the whining kind where I bemoan my lack of it, too many of my posts have unfortunately been about that already! I'm such a whiner. You know, some people call it whinging instead. Probably the english, I remember an englishman using that word. Whinging sounds quirkier, but it lacks the petulance that whining conveys doesn't it? Oh well I'm sure nobody bothers about the English Lessons 101 I conduct.

Y'know I trawled through most my entire blog yesterday, re-reading countless (actually 105) of my old posts (I noticed a few mistakes in writing here and there too! Imagine my surprise, cause I proof-read most of my posts.) I was initially searching for the stories I'd written to save them from being lost under the ashes of time. I even found one that I'd clean forgotten about, Let's Brick Up. I haven't been writing anything for more than a year now, although I've tried. Just keep getting stuck somehow somewhere. I think the best writing is done when you're sort of sad, sort of down. In a pensive contemplative mood. I can't come up with anything at all if I'm happy. If I'm feeling too emo I don't write cause I know the result will probably be something about me and my sad situation or something. Nobody likes to be so conceited!

Ironically, after re-reading my stories, I actually like them quite alot. Hahaha. Conceit right there hey! I'm capable of self-critique okay, I don't have that inflatable an ego as you might think. I could definitely have done way more with Sleepless Night And Neon Lights, I think it's too brief. I Deal In Commodities is really unpolished and not very well done, the only part of it I like was that last paragraph. Ditto with The Tears Shed Into Pillows Deep Into The Night and The Boy Who Saw Dark Clouds, they could do with some editing and tidying up. Which I shan't do cause that's how it should be shouldn't it? Just like people, with all their idiosyncrasies and imperfections. Just like life. I must say that I prefer the title to be The Boy Who Saw Dark Clouds/The Girl With Eyes Like The Summer though, it looks prettier like that and it's more fair like that cause it's an equal tragedy for both. Neither of them can claim to be the sadder.

Huh? Why would they do that? This sounds senseless but I have seen enough people try to be, always, the saddest person around, the person with the saddest most messed up life. Why would you want to do that?! You're an absolute idiot, a fool. What can you possibly gain out of being the most messed up fool amongst fools? You know what I'm talking about don't you? Some guy who asserts that he came out of some relationship so hurt and sad [probably to justify hating that girl (bitch!) or sth. Selfish bastard.] Some people just seem to want to blare out all their problems and misadventures and all. You know, I really hate that, and seeing it makes me want to roll my eyes. Hahaha. I don't roll my eyes often, it's such a gay thing for a guy to do innit! :End digression haha.

If you like my stories though, please tell me so. Leave a comment or something to let me know I'm not an idiot who's the only one who likes (or even read) my products. And of course, everyone wants to be appreciated and stuff like that right! It'd make me a happy man to know people enjoy reading what I write. I'm also curious what other people think of my stories or what thoughts I manage to provoke. Yeah I'm actually canvassing for comments now which is a bit embarrassing... but you could say it's all in an effort to improve myself! But really, tell me what you think of them whatever it is, good or bad please. Mucho appreciated. You can remain anonymous if you're worried or too shy to talk to me.. Hahahhaah.

By the way! I found out you could put labels on your posts! Now I don't have to resurrect my stories from my archives each time I want to find them, which is no easy feat. Technology is so amazing innit!!

So click right about here! (wait till the end of the para for further instructions where since I don't truck around with hyperlinks and stuff) and tell me what you think plx and thz! Btw on another random sidenote I realize how pathetic my life would seem if ultimately I don't get any comments at all!!!!! Please save my self-worth from deprecating to negative values....!!! You could be anybody at all, if my mother were to chance upon my blog while blog-hopping (unlikely I know) I'd still welcome comments! Or a stranger.
(------------------->) (actually it's diagonally upwards.)

So, lazy day at home. Belle and Sebastian on speakers now, soon to be followed by Imogen Heap, Frou Frou and Camera Obscura. Lovely! By the way I found out where I got the phrase "lazy days with no expectation," it's from a Camera Obscura song Come Back Margaret, and it goes "I like the free days with no expectation." I know this doesn't matter to anyone but the source of the line had been bugging me every since I typed about it in one of my posts many months ago. One more mystery of life solved yey. Self-satisfied much!

Anw on another (as usual) random note, I pretty like the usage of the word "much" like that. Idk I just find it kinda cute don't you? Also, the phrase "I know right" which even has an acronym ikr! I don't know where in the world that started from, but I remember using it in a very gay fashion to great irritation all round. So many trendy words from time to time aren't there? Clearly I recall "retarded" which is still prevalent today ofc, "lame," an antique, and my favourite, "SPASTIC!" Brings to mind a period of life what seems an eternity ago, when the most important thing in life was to be the coolest kid around (ofc that was done by rattling off the word spastic at every opportunity you had). How irritating must I have been?! Hahaha. I was a pseudo-cool kid! But such a simplistic way of life. Not a care in the world..

Heh life was good then wasn't it! Now there's money matters, a future to consider, and more. We're gonna get grinded down into mere nothing if we're not careful. Caught up in the banalities of studying and work and our worries. Sigh. Money, as is expected of our day and age and its culture, seemingly impossible to put at the back of our mind.

I have my work cut out for me. I have to save lotsa $. I'm setting aside $5,000 for my brother's overseas trip (hopefully it materializes.) I want to contribute to my sister's going to melbourne, instead of letting mom and dad scrimp and save and worry over it by themselves (for that's one of the primary reasons I signed on isn't it, to alleviate some of their burden.) I have to give my parents money for when they go overseas for holidays (I'm sure if I don't give them that extra cash they couldn't bear to spend the money to truly enjoy themselves! Now they can spend freely knowing that "Hehe it's de yan's money! Chiong ah!") I don't begrudge any of them that of course, I'm more than happy to contribute to what happiness and fulfilment that can be achieved with money. If their materialistic needs and wants can be settled, then they can focus on the other more important sort of satisfactions that I can't help them with. I can't make them happy with their lives, feel good about themselves, fall in love, that sort of thing. But I try.

If sponsoring my brother's trip allows him the luxury of going overseas, to gain valuable life experiences that travelling might (yes, only might) provide, then gladly will I do it. Same sentiments for my sister, and if I have to I will fight (nothing so violent ofcourse, more like try very hard to convince my parents) to make sure it happens. Some things in life are once in a lifetime opportunities so I can't let trivialities like money hold them back. And my parents more than deserve to enjoy their lives now, which I hope they do when they travel. A few hundred dollars here and there doesn't mean anything to me (in the bigger picture of things lah, I'm not that rich!) but if it gives my dad (read: scrimper) and mom the liberty to purchase the stuff they like then by all means.

Those last 2 paragraphs are actually very similar huh. I felt the (weird) need to explain myself further. Maybe to write down all these thoughts so that if I'm flat out broke in the future and I'm complaining and whining about all the stupid money I spent on my family and am berating myself for it, I can refer to this post and know that it was all justified, all worth it. If anything I should be upset about how I cab to camp week after week. Although I must say that extra ~40mins always feels worth it haha. Expensive, extra 40mins! :End digression.

I still have to keep a nest egg for myself (it's not really a nest egg, clearly I'm not retiring anytime soon, I just warped the meaning of the phrase cause I like it and want to employ it. So there) for when I go overseas. More of a fallback, really. A just-in-case fund, for rainy days (which incidentally we've still been having alot! Awesome much) in case I go wild spending money abroad. And for euro trips during the holidays ofc! I don't know how large this egg should be though :/ I'd rather err on the side of caution. My hope is to have my contingency cash at S$5,000 too, which unfortunately at this point in time seems to be a rather tall order :///// I have not been exactly prudent with my spending thus far!! Tsk gah. Why oh why, no money drop from sky... Wahlao, wahlao, now no money liao..

I know, I come up with the best rhymes. Shoulda been a nursery rhyme creator or sth, why did I even sign on. Haha I'm beginning to come up with rubbish to say already, almost always an accurate indicator that I should stop soon. You did know that since I'm sick and at home, this was going to turn out to be another long post didn't you? Not that when I'm not sick and not at home I don't have this much nonsense to type. (Notice triple negatives there, confused much?) Somehow once I start I can't stop, it must be a pain to read the wall of words that is my blog. I apologize, but I can't say I'm too sorry about that! That isn't a paradox, y'know. It's like I'm sorry you had to put up with all this but I'm not sorry at all for typing it out in the first place. Make what sense you can of that heh.

So in my brief glorious extended moment of civilian life I decided to watch some movies. Did I ever mention I listed out partially all the movies I want to watch and it now stands at 130 strong? And it's not complete too. Hot damn. So I decided, perhaps one or two. Or three! Hehe. Good times. The Tourist, then Salt and Red. Red is hilarious! Absolute cracker. Watch it for a silly romp. Helen Mirren totally an inspired casting decision!! Gotta love her. Also did I ever mention how hot I now think Angelina Jolie is?? I used to hate her and her ugly lips, now I think she's smokingz! (Z for added zing.) I used to think Brad Pitt was a retard for choosing her over Jennifer Anniston (whom I like quite alot too,) now I'm firmly in camp Brangelina! Life and its little jokes. I can think of no one else suitable to play the protagonists in both Salt and The Tourist, and Mr and Mr Smith too. She's perfect as the femme fatale-spy-action hero. Of course Tomb Raider too but I've never watched it cause I think it must be rubbish.

Oh and Bee Tee Dubyew you can be a femme fatale too! If you'd just read an article on How To on WikiHow.

Also, how to be a damsel in distress and how to be a love godess, and other very super helpful things! The internet is the answer to all our questions and prayers! Hallelujah! Jaja. Actually I also like jaja instead of haha. It sort of brings to mind this loopy man who speaks absolutely terrible english, and he says it with this very happy smile on his face while shaking his head russell peter-indian-man-style. I seem to be fond of many words and phrases don't I! That makes me a very interested man, not necessarily a very interesting one jaja!

Anw poixin is coming back in exactly a week I think? 25th if I'm not wrong. I can finally say "we've finally come full circle" or something like that, but I won't cause it's less intelligent and more lame than I first thought. What a smart aleck thing to say. Nobody likes a smart aleck right! But. There might be a grain of truth in that statement, let's not dwell on that.

I don't know how much free time I'd have though, I hope we manage to have at least one gathering with full attendance though! Lemme reprise my role as treasurer haha! Very important fellow I am okay. Not sure what activities we have lined up, only know about a kuishin-bo that hopefully happens (or not!) (read: bad news for my wallet!!) Okay lah I hope it does happen! The new and improved de yan is less uptight with his pursestrings now! Let's cab home after that too okay guys!!! Srsly, pampered guys yucks.

Oh and I asked poixin to be my underway date too. If she doesn't fly my kite (is there such a term?) or chinesely, let loose a pigeon, or less literally pleasant, simply stand me up (which seems actually like quite an odd form of the phrase "stood me up" doesn't it?) I sure hope she doesn't do that! Hahaha. I can sort of envision myself as an ultimate loser without a date already. Oh dear. But you don't think it'd be awkward do you? I'm afraid it might be, but who knows eh? I don't have any designs on her whatsoever, so do shut up woonshin! I can see your smirking face already. Hahaha.

And to jolyn and angela yet again...... Please be (RE)assured that there's no "that girl!!!!!" at all!!!! Don't let woonshin mess with your minds plz.. If there's some new girl in my life I'd tell you guys okay (not that there's an old girl in my life HAHA.) And clearly I'd have asked her to be my date too. Don't get so stressed out over it jolyn! Hahaha. 'Nuff said. On this topic, that is.

By the way.. Was there this advert or idk what a few years ago where the punchline was 'Nuff said?? I don't know and it's killing me softly!! Someone would say something, or there'd be this statement or sth, and this guy would simply say.. 'Nuff said. If that strikes a chord somewhere please tell me what it is! I hate being bugged by such stuff grrr.

Hahah well this has gotten to be a pretty damn long post by now! I will stop sooner or later, don't you worry. Right about now, actually.

Frou Frou's It's Good To Be In Love
I don't know where to start
Say I'm tired or throw a party
These cucumber eyes are lying the more that I smile about it
And all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throw-aways
I don't like it

It's good to be in love
It really does suit you
Just like everything
I'm happy you're in love
'Cause every color goes when you do

I'm adoring you
It's all good
You're so beautiful
I'm black and blue all over
You're breaking my flow, how could you know what I'm saying
about it
When all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throw-aways
I don't like it

It's good to be in love
It really does suit you
Just like everything
I'm happy you're in live
'Cause every color goes when you do

I feel so powerless
I've got to stop it somehow
Oh come on, what can I do

Why's it happening
How's it happening (without me)
Why's it happening
How's it happening that he feels (without me)

It's good to be in love
It really does suit you
Just like everything
I'm happy you're in love
'Cause every color goes when you do
'Cause every color goes when you do
Happy you're in love
Happy you're in love
Happy you're in love
Happy you're in love.
It really did suit you.




Edit: My brother is a genius, he just (I believe) solved a logical question that I spent hours over! I'm gonna tell you what it is so you might be plagued by the question just like I was! You have 12 balls, and one of them is either lighter of heavier (the question doesn't tell you which) than the rest. You have 3 steps and a balancing beam to find out which one of the balls is different. Just a regular balancing beam too, not some high tech gizmo which can tell you the elemental composites of each ball or sth. Please. Hahah. For the solution, look for me! Or if you know my brother personally, don't disturb me and look for him!

Sunday 16 January 2011

Cause I Don't Know How Long I Can Hold My Heart In Two.

Quite self-satisfied heh. Booked out and immediately splurged $40 on myself in 3-4 hours. Pure pleasure. Makan, starbucks, movie, cab home. Mmmmm. Life doesn't get much better than that, I should do that more often!

I actually liked The Tourist. Probably cause Angelina Jolie looked gorgeous in it. And I found it pretty funny too. Quite satisfied with the show. $8.50 instead of $10 too, the amazing benefits of a SAFRA card.

My cough is beginning to hurt my midriff. I think I might cause myself some injury soon :( Seems to have taken a turn for the worse, even after my diligently taking all my medicine. Sigh. What else can I do about it? I think it's triggered by the onset of cold, but that wouldn't make sense right now cause I'm sweating in my room after a hard game of dota. I do love mystery so, unfortunately this is one I could totally do without right now. Ow my ribs.

If someone has a 100% cure method I'd take it, whether it's rhino horn or tiger penis.. No I'm kidding. Save the earth plz. And its wildlife. What kind of sick mind thinks of ingesting... a big cats' genitals anyway?! Makes you wonder who or what we're descended from huh. Yucks.

Ho hum. Nothing much else to add. Except that the title comes from a Frou Frou song, and I quite like it. It reminds me of those times when you.. hmmmm idk. Er, refuse to get over a breakup maybe? Something like that. Or maybe refuse to get un-heartbroken so you won't fall in love again.

Anw I've been reading Kafka and his short stories and I think its going over my head. Maybe I don't get the intricacies of his writing and all :/ kinda saddening. And I've been getting more into Morrisey and The Smiths lately. Pretty good stuff.

Oh shite I'm really coughing myself to bits. My innards feel like they would love to do nothing else but sail happily through my throat. The problem with this is that they're attached to me, so what happens instead is I feel a mighty heaving of my insides, causing nothing but pain. Cough until sweat.

And I have to book in right about now too. BIGSIGH. One day I'll be a free man. Until that day, goodbye!

Friday 14 January 2011

If You Can Dream -

And not make dreams your master.

From the poem 'If' by Rudyard Kipling. Whoever knew that he was a poet?! I only knew Captain Courageous, and vaguely that he wrote the Jungle Book too. Quite a good poem though, despite me being a terrible poem person.

Anw I've had to handwrite a diary the past few days, owing to the lack of this laptop. Must say the contents are very different. When I know I'm the only one to read it, I can be searingly honest. It wasn't a pleasant experience, actually. Also, I've begun to write another story, I hope it turns out decent. Hadn't had the mood to write anything for the longest time, mostly cause I had the feeling whatever I wrote wouldn't be any good at all. Like I'd be writing for the sake of it, just to flesh out an idea.

Been feeling absolutely down and out today. Probably the worst day I've had this year (which isn't saying much!) and I was just pretty depressed all day. Moping about and whining. Gah. Seriously feeling like shit though, won't somebody save me from all these!

Sigh help is not coming and I know it. If it is, I'm probably not too keen on being helped anyway.

Anyway I think I'm quite an honest person. This was made damningly clear to me when the doctor asked me, "Is the illness getting better or worse?" and I answered, "I think better". What a screwup. It made all the difference between getting to go home and having to stay here and feel like a pangsai all day. Sigh.

As much as I possibly can, I try not to lie. Almost, never outright. Unless I'm joking around lah, of course. If you asked me a question and I didn't want to tell you the truth, I'd obfuscate and try mightily to imply something that isn't true, but I wouldn't be able to bring myself to lie. I guess that's a good thing right? Except when it backfires, more fool me. I should be at home. Gah.

Anw slew of good movies coming up!! If you'd read the wednesday papers with all the golden globe nominations, you might be as excited as I am! Natalie Portman, Carey Mulligan, Christian Bale, the Coen Brothers, Javier Bardem.. In for a rocking good time! However most of these movies I think are being released between Feb-Apr. I'll be thousands of miles away from home then.. WOE IS ME! I'd love to catch these on the silver screen, wistful sigh.

I haven't been reading much though. If you'd asked me before, I'd have said it was a given I'd be devouring my books in the case that I didn't have access to my laptop. The converse has proven to be true, however. I suck. Salman Rushdie and Haruki Murakami still await. I'm really anticipating those books, so I'll save them for last.

One of the revelations I've had this week was how much of a bastard I was in the past. Certain events occured which made me look back at what I'd done. Less the tinted glasses I'd always worn before to glamorize myself and make me feel better about myself. I realized how capable I was of being an utter asshole. And how often I proved this capability. I am regretful that I was the person I was. I'd make amends if I could, but sometimes maybe the time for that has passed. Sigh.

Oh and by the way it's woonshin's bday today! As per my promise on facebook, I shall not.. (damnit I can't think of an antonym to demonize) heap too much of praises on him. Despite him being in every sense worthy of it... Anyways have a blessed birthday Best Trainee Wong (the truth doesn't count as undue praise) hope you enjoy it, cause it signifies the big two-zero for you oldman.

And random piece of trivia from the life of de yan. I was coughing so badly one day that my diaphragm sort of decided to give up on me. Idiot thing. To those of you not in the know, that meant that I was hiccuping like a fool every few seconds or so. I was miserable. Morose. It was so bad I resorted to finding the cure the best way I could. Google. All I can say is this. It. Worked. Wonders. !!!!!! I'm not divulging the secret formula here though, you have to work hard to find it yourself if ever you find yourself in the dire straits I was in! Or give me a call or sth. It's Magik.

Okay I'm feeling better now that I've brought my complaints and my whining online. It's better to mash at the keyboard than to attempt (with painful results) to punch through walls or to gaze depressedly out the window for long unbearable hours. Yeah being emo sounds like quite the terrible idea.

Also, and I think this is one of the key points of my week, I have decided to give up on a certain endeavour. This was probably a long time coming, but finally I have decided, heck it. I shan't put my dignity on the line again, with no discernible progress. Silly of me really.

I might also add that drinking on Saturday with my mids wing buddies was quite the interesting experience. My beetroot face in some of the pictures can probably attest to that. I swear, they were trying to destroy me. And had partial success too. I felt like I was dying or sth. But it was quite fun. Mostly, though, it was interesting. Maybe even odd. Oh wells.

How can you hope and not be slave to your hopes? How do you achieve that? To dream - and not make dreams your master? To think - and not make thoughts your aim?

No easy task, that. I'll sleep now, don't let the bedbugs bite.

Saturday 8 January 2011

Our Hands Our Voices, Raised As One.

Men, stopped in their tracks. Then as one, a cry of despair they emit in unison. Hands held up to the sky in disbelief. The anguish on their faces almost tangible. Imagine that scene. That's exactly what happened when the dreaded words "area cleaning" echoed down our corridors. The "WAHLAOs" and "NABEIs" reverberating off every wall. Life sucks, and we know it.

And it's 3am now and I'm just done studying. Not that I did it with much vigour, whatwith listening to good music and all.

It's embarassing but I had always thought Belle and Sebastian was an old band. Like, way before our time. Surprise, surprise, when I found out that they were from the 90s till today. Maybe cause of the cult status they have, which I thought were reserved for like The Smiths or The Cure or The Who that kind of band. AND surprise surprise Belle and Sebastian isn't a duo!! Srsly how misleading can the name get. I feel immensely scammed. 7-8 people masquerading as a duo?! Haha I'm a noob man.

But anyways they're damn good. Current favourite is O Come, O Come Emmanuel. Amazing. And of course Carey Mulligan in Write About Love?!?!?!?! Srsly. Everybody say with me, omg fall in loveeeeeeeee. One more time, with conviction. OMG FALL IN LOVEEEeeeEEE!! Yeah. And Norah Jones which is a surprise. So they're my latest find, although you can't really say that. I'd just always assumed I wouldn't like their music when I heard of them in the past. That's why you should never trust your instincts and prejudices.

Also onto Camera Obscura and Imogen Heap and Frou Frou with renewed enthusiasm. Some of the most exquisite songs ever. And also I discovered Imogen Heap was the source of the Whatcha Say song, with her Hide and Seek. Amazing song that. Yeah this post is sort of about me professing my love for these few bands/singers/people.

And I have a cold too. You could say, still have a cold, I guess. From Christmas. Except I'm obviously not quite so delighted with it as before. I'm sneezing to such an extent I'm not sure if my nose still wants to be friends. He might delete me from fb or sth, sigh. Poor, sickly man. And forced into studying too. Will I get no respite?

Today was a rainy day. I love rainy days. Sth about overcast skies and the cacophony of raindrops hitting the ground, hitting walls and roofs and leaves. A soothing cacophony, if there exists any such thing. Noise is so important to us. Turn off the fan, or the air-con (if you're one of the privileged upper-class who have it haha) and you'll find the silence quite disconcerting. Oppressive, even. Btw the most oppressive silence I've ever felt was in the toilet in a library. It was the shit (:D). Imagine trying to take a poop while wondering where in the hell all that silence was coming from. And knowing that your pangsai hitting the water is gonna make the most enormous racket.. LOL. Disgust in Detail.

Anyway rainy days always bring about a bout of introspection and fresh melancholy. I can't remember, though, what I introspected and melancholied about. Probably about being lonesome in this sad lonely world or sth cause I am teh emo. After which I probably fell asleep and took a well-deserved afternoon nap. Mmmmm. Afternoon naps are one of life's precious little treasures. Ergo, there will be people out there who will try to steal it from you. The trick is to never let them succeed i.e. wear earmuffs/earplugs/listen to mp3 at max volume/lock your door at all costs. Yes, we hereby vow to protect and preserve our afternoon naps forevermore. Not that I'm likely to have much more of them sigh.

Also I came across this website which have some wicked one-liners indeed, quite by accident. I was actually trying to find out about a movie called It's Better To Be Wanted For Murder Than Not To Be Wanted At All. I'll put down some of my favourites in another post, for now I'll end with brilliant lyrics instead!

He got so thin, there must have been
Deep sorrow gnawing away at him.
-Camera Obscura

Oh there ain't no love,
No Montagues or Capulets.
-Arctic Monkeys

You've got to see the dream through the windows and the trees of your living room.
-Belle and Sebastian

I'm a lonely little petunia.
In an onion patch,
An onion patch.
-Imogen Heap

Heh gotta love that last one. Alright, have a goodnight, I have less than 2 hours to sleep so I know I won't! Life sucks, and I know it!

Sunday 2 January 2011

Life Begins In Earnest, Again.

Morning guys, I just heard church bells, which is quite surprising. I thought they were rung only on the first of every month? And why at 9am? And why am I still awake?! Very mysterious sort of questions you see. So I'm gonna sleep very soon cause your brain works idk how many percent like more than 50% while you're asleep but when you're awake your brain, that is your conscious mind which only takes up a small portion of your neural nets and stuff, works only like idk how many percent like less than 10%! Maybe I'll wake up with the answer to all my questions, and the answer to life also which actually I already know and is 42.

Anw I was just updating my profile on facebook by adding all those books and movies and tv shows and stuff. I can't believe I didn't have HIMYM already. And I spent a fair bit of time pondering over what movies/books I've already read/watched, and which of them were actually good. Quite a good thing to do actually, to recall all this stuff.

Anw I went to look through the books I own to see which of them I've read and were good. Somehow my collection doesn't seem quite as awe-inspiring as I remember it to be!! Now it looks like a sad little pile and random scattering of books around my room rather than that towering tower I thought it was after purchasing like almost 20 books in 3 weeks. In fact, it was only after splurging and bingeing on those books that I realized how many awesome book deals there are around! Popular/Harris had like 20% off every title till the new year or sth, and Borders had sth like that or a voucher thing with every $75 purchase! I can safely tell you I was SORELY TESTED. My will was beginning to dissolve and my resolve, crumble. Then I recall $350 on dinner (shark fin's soup sigh I am like contributing to environmental/ecosystematical disaster) and I man up, turning my face away from all those temptations. Ecosystematical is not really a word but it sounds terribly clever and professional doesn't it?

Anw I was at Borders during Christmas and I thought it was very nice! As in it was almost 12 already and it was still open, which is very pleasant isn't it? And the one or two cafes there looked like such decent places to grab a cuppa or sth, and just have a mellow time reading the fresh new books that you bought from borders. Sth about these big bookstores totally draws me in. Harris not so, maybe cause the JP one is all metallic with fluorescent lights and seems sorta cold and impersonal to me. But the others have idk, maybe wooden furniture, or are sort of unkempt and messy and haphazard and therefore sort of cozy. Generally they have a very pleasant atmosphere so you're willing and wanting to stay inside. Kinokuniya and Borders (at least the flagship one idk about the rest) definitely, PageOne maybe, MPH not really.

I should totally have gotten the membership for Borders lah, it's so accessible and easy to go to. But I'm a popular member already so I can't bear to spend any more money on another similar membership :( Borders sounds so much more atas somemore. Maybe I should lah hor. But cannot also, my this month's OUTFLOW > INFLOW I think, spending money like a fool. Haven't even gone to Neverland (:O) yet. The horror.

Anw I must say the present from my dear friends mussels and clams (I'm going to call you guys that cause you tried to bastard me. Freaking 5th floor of wm, macs, pastamania...! S. U. A.) has got to be the most original thing I have ever received in my life. A labour of love. The amount of sheer sweat and tears, the effort you guys put in, I cannot imagine. From the heart of my bottom I thank ye. I'm srsly gonna frame it up for its pure value on the epic-ness scale. 5827/100 marks for idea and execution. Lubs euux guyz lotza lotz.

Oh and I am quite upset with myself at how many movies I did not watch last year. So many times I say, Wah this one confirm must watch already, but I fail to do so. Really need to be attached then will watch many movies meh? No way man, single people (like obviously, me) are just as capable of watching many movies too. Don't see us no up. But some movies are better enjoyed with company that's for sure. The converse of course is true, believe me. Some of the movies I've watched I cannot imagine having watched it with someone else. Esp those picturehouse that kind, dunno who will be willing to put up with me and watch those films. Emo sia.

Anw I guess I had to come to this topic sooner or later. My birthday celebrations were good. Somehow these creative people manage to avoid giving me an actual birthday cakes most of the time. Apple strudel to cupcakes, quite brilliant. Quite shiok lah just lepak and chitchat and drink and try to wiggle secrets out here and there. Thanks for the present too much appreciated. And with my family at this more than decent western restaurant, quite delicious fare and filling to boot! Damn worth it. And an actual birthday cake (1 candle only though the staff were lazy) which was pretty awesome. I especially know this cause I just had it for breakfast too, so it should be quite credible. St Leaven's or sth, from takashimaya. High Class Cake, I like,

Oh and a watch from my man shaowei. That was good man, even though it costs probably like 25-35 dollars or sth. It's a casio watch. You may think wah low-class cheapskate bugger but I think differently. It's a good and thoughtful gift, what a nice soft touch shaowei has! Hahah that probably sounds like the gay statement of the year or sth. You know I don't mean it literally of course!

Okay on a random note here's a thought I had from christmas, but which strangely I didn't blog about in my christmas post. Does that make it a new year thought instead? Nevermind. Actually it's a line, the first line, of Get Back by Teh Beatles. It goes (I changed the name Jojo. What man is called JoJo?!@) He was a man who thought he was a loner, but he knew it couldn't last. I actually thought along those lines, before actually hearing the song, so when I heard it I was quite interested. Good song btw. I've been harping about how I enjoy being alone and single and all. How I enjoy my own company that sort of thing. But I probably won't enjoy it forever, right. One day I'm gonna get tired of myself and annoy the hell out of me. I can't be alone forever. I was thinking, do I still wanna walk down orchard road on christmas day alone, 5 years later? And my answer was quite simply, no.

Being alone just doesn't quite cut it sometimes. Sure you have benefits and you have those emotionally scarred relationship veterans who tell you how relationships suck (or sometimes they're more specific and depending on their gender, they'll say guys suck! or girls suck! which is amusing cause I've heard both) and are never worth it and you're better off alone that sort of thing (which I have always refused to listen to.) I believe that being with somebody, sharing your life with someone, brings with it a certain hmmm, happiness, or bliss, or joy (idk simply cause I have no such experience to draw on) or whatever it is that you can never obtain elsewhere. That's why love is such a magical thing (at least for some, I hope most, of us.) That's why romance sells, your lovesongs and your romcoms and your chicklit with all those impossibly gentlemanly hunky (insert positive adjective) and generally inhuman guys who just melts the heart of every female protagonist. (Off topic but still I must add,) damn spoil market srsly!

What I'm saying is that there's that happiness that can be found nowhere else. Or at least that's what I've heard, or read, or deduced, I don't know and don't bother. I think you should probably get what I mean by now as I've been rambling on for a while now. So yeah I'm actually open to the idea of getting attached. LOL totally like self-advertisement here, like a omg-i'm-available casting call or sth yucks haha. No lah totally not the intention, it's just that some people dunno why, think that I'm not looking for a girlfriend or sth. Not say I'm actively searching lah (cause I'm not), but I'm not averse to the idea! Just want to set the record straight haha!

But then those same people say, sure or not! If not why no girlfriend yet! Say until like damn easy find girlfriend like that. Damn hard okay, I want also nobody want me. Sad leh! The more you say easy to find girlfriend the more emo I feel. Dunno why lah no girl like me one, I also think I not that bad what.. Sibeh sian. LOL. But srsly, it can't be that easy what right. Tsk.

Wah okay damn tired already. Spouting nonsense already. In fact, have spouted quite a bit of nonsense already. Waiting for my dota kaki cause I promised them I will play on sunday. Never thought that I would have no sleep at all since 9am ytd. It was an ill-informed promise srsly. But a promise is a promise sigh. Btw very long never mj alr. I can feel my ZMMT aura building up around me already. Must release it soon...

Damn nerd leh still play dota. Sometimes when I think about it I'm quite amazed. I first touched WC3 in primary 4 or 5, should be 5. Dota at sec1, until now leh. If it were like a small child it'll be in primary school lah. I mean, he. Everyone knows dota is male. But it's still fun okay! To all those naysayers out there... Too bad haha! We sound damn loser but dota is still k000lz man! Its intricacies, the way personal talent and teamwork combine into one juggernaut of a dota player... Geek heaven HAHA.

Speaking of which. Seeing as geek is a label and all. My friend sort of labeled me as a jock. Really?! I very jock meh. Jock has a very negative connotation to me lah. In what way am I jock-like?! Sometimes he says things like, for a jock you're damn geeky (that's when I l33t-speak with other people or play lame flash games on the laptop LOL) or just 2 days back when he said for a sporty guy (not expressly a jock I guess which maybe suggests improvement) you're quite cultural. Or cultured, I can't rmb what word he used lah. Cultured makes me sound like a plant or a flower or sth though. That was when I remarked on Adrian Pang as a thespian (which reminds me I totally have to watch him in theatre at least once.)

I mean, I like to surprise people with how amazing I am lah. But if it stems from an initial bad or at least not so good impression of me, then that's not so gratifying right. Like when last time people thought I'm some badass pai kia or sth LOL. Okay in case you're worrying I'm mostly never assailed by self-doubt, it's just that I'm very tired so I'm typing about the trivial-est of matters like my image and the first impressions people form of me and all. I don't actually care all that much. I read this quote (I'll probably badly disfigure it somehow though) which goes sth like "Don't spend time pleasing others because....?!" I totally forgot it lah actually. Something about not trying to please other people one lah. Somewhere along those lines, mebbe 42.195km down or sth? Who knows.

I'm gonna doze off anytime now. Or start hallucinating or sth. Maybe I'll hallucinate somebody blindfolding me, or covering my eyes. Does that work out to be the same as dozing off?! That's fascinating isn't it.!