If You Can Dream -

And not make dreams your master.

From the poem 'If' by Rudyard Kipling. Whoever knew that he was a poet?! I only knew Captain Courageous, and vaguely that he wrote the Jungle Book too. Quite a good poem though, despite me being a terrible poem person.

Anw I've had to handwrite a diary the past few days, owing to the lack of this laptop. Must say the contents are very different. When I know I'm the only one to read it, I can be searingly honest. It wasn't a pleasant experience, actually. Also, I've begun to write another story, I hope it turns out decent. Hadn't had the mood to write anything for the longest time, mostly cause I had the feeling whatever I wrote wouldn't be any good at all. Like I'd be writing for the sake of it, just to flesh out an idea.

Been feeling absolutely down and out today. Probably the worst day I've had this year (which isn't saying much!) and I was just pretty depressed all day. Moping about and whining. Gah. Seriously feeling like shit though, won't somebody save me from all these!

Sigh help is not coming and I know it. If it is, I'm probably not too keen on being helped anyway.

Anyway I think I'm quite an honest person. This was made damningly clear to me when the doctor asked me, "Is the illness getting better or worse?" and I answered, "I think better". What a screwup. It made all the difference between getting to go home and having to stay here and feel like a pangsai all day. Sigh.

As much as I possibly can, I try not to lie. Almost, never outright. Unless I'm joking around lah, of course. If you asked me a question and I didn't want to tell you the truth, I'd obfuscate and try mightily to imply something that isn't true, but I wouldn't be able to bring myself to lie. I guess that's a good thing right? Except when it backfires, more fool me. I should be at home. Gah.

Anw slew of good movies coming up!! If you'd read the wednesday papers with all the golden globe nominations, you might be as excited as I am! Natalie Portman, Carey Mulligan, Christian Bale, the Coen Brothers, Javier Bardem.. In for a rocking good time! However most of these movies I think are being released between Feb-Apr. I'll be thousands of miles away from home then.. WOE IS ME! I'd love to catch these on the silver screen, wistful sigh.

I haven't been reading much though. If you'd asked me before, I'd have said it was a given I'd be devouring my books in the case that I didn't have access to my laptop. The converse has proven to be true, however. I suck. Salman Rushdie and Haruki Murakami still await. I'm really anticipating those books, so I'll save them for last.

One of the revelations I've had this week was how much of a bastard I was in the past. Certain events occured which made me look back at what I'd done. Less the tinted glasses I'd always worn before to glamorize myself and make me feel better about myself. I realized how capable I was of being an utter asshole. And how often I proved this capability. I am regretful that I was the person I was. I'd make amends if I could, but sometimes maybe the time for that has passed. Sigh.

Oh and by the way it's woonshin's bday today! As per my promise on facebook, I shall not.. (damnit I can't think of an antonym to demonize) heap too much of praises on him. Despite him being in every sense worthy of it... Anyways have a blessed birthday Best Trainee Wong (the truth doesn't count as undue praise) hope you enjoy it, cause it signifies the big two-zero for you oldman.

And random piece of trivia from the life of de yan. I was coughing so badly one day that my diaphragm sort of decided to give up on me. Idiot thing. To those of you not in the know, that meant that I was hiccuping like a fool every few seconds or so. I was miserable. Morose. It was so bad I resorted to finding the cure the best way I could. Google. All I can say is this. It. Worked. Wonders. !!!!!! I'm not divulging the secret formula here though, you have to work hard to find it yourself if ever you find yourself in the dire straits I was in! Or give me a call or sth. It's Magik.

Okay I'm feeling better now that I've brought my complaints and my whining online. It's better to mash at the keyboard than to attempt (with painful results) to punch through walls or to gaze depressedly out the window for long unbearable hours. Yeah being emo sounds like quite the terrible idea.

Also, and I think this is one of the key points of my week, I have decided to give up on a certain endeavour. This was probably a long time coming, but finally I have decided, heck it. I shan't put my dignity on the line again, with no discernible progress. Silly of me really.

I might also add that drinking on Saturday with my mids wing buddies was quite the interesting experience. My beetroot face in some of the pictures can probably attest to that. I swear, they were trying to destroy me. And had partial success too. I felt like I was dying or sth. But it was quite fun. Mostly, though, it was interesting. Maybe even odd. Oh wells.

How can you hope and not be slave to your hopes? How do you achieve that? To dream - and not make dreams your master? To think - and not make thoughts your aim?

No easy task, that. I'll sleep now, don't let the bedbugs bite.