The Sky Turned Into Skyscrapers.

I have spoken in haste. Yeah so obviously that wasn't my last post. Words are what I know and I can't stop forming them, even if I don't want to anymore. I hoped that would be my last post but no, my mind continues to work. Anyway I thought I'd try something so I can see how what I think is creativity fizzles out and sputters and dies yet again.

The Sky Turned Into Skyscrapers

I don't know where to begin, or if there even is a beginning. But that doesn't make sense, cause all things have to have a beginning, right? I guess if I had to choose one, it'd be this. It seems the least wrong. Sometimes there is no right, only what's least wrong. I digress. I guess it begins like that. I met a girl, and I loved her. I say girl only because in my mind's eye that's who I see, a girl untouched, untainted by life. I wish I could have kept her that way. So sweet and pure and innocent and. She is gone now, both the innocent girl and the woman she became. I loved the woman as keenly as I loved the girl, but I don't know if she knew that. I wish I had a chance to let her know that. I'll never have that chance again. In a way, this isn't my story. It's hers. But it's mine too.

I've not been able to sleep. It's not that I've been plagued by nightmares or even worse, dreams. It's just that I can't. Sleep is good. Every minute you sleep is another minute less to live your life. Or what remains of it. As the seconds tick by you are unaware of the world, and the world of you. Sleep is good. This insomnia, it's like a self-imposed hell, a vigil. Every minute more I spend awake is another minute I spend thinking of her and thinking of what I couldn't do for her and what I didn't do for her and.

I couldn't continue dying like that. And so then, even after she was gone I couldn't stay true to her. I left the home we both shared and knew and loved and.

"Hello sir! Where would you like to go?"
"Away."
"Excellent choice sir! You don't look like you need telling, but!"
"I'm listening."
"The only baggage you can bring, is all that you can't leave behind."

I thought about it for a while, and then I came to the conclusion that,
"That's fine by me. I have left everything behind."

He gave me with a dark smile and a knowing look. As if to say, "No, you haven't."

How could he know? I shrugged and put my palms up in the air and said
"See, I didn't even bring anything. No baggage."

The look and the smile didn't go away, but he shrugged. As if to say, "You may not know it. And you may think I don't know it. But I do. You have brought baggage along."

"Have a nice day sir! Enjoy your trip!"

His grating cheerfulness was all at odds with the expression on his face when it seemed for a moment he could see right through me. The name on his name tag was Charon. I should have been alarmed or at least mildly disturbed, but it didn't matter to me. I had to get on the plane.

I got on. All around me were people buried in their books or the magazine or their screens in front of them. It should have alarmed me or at least occurred to me that I knew all of them. Beside me was my dad and beside him my mom and beside them my brothers and sisters and friends and lovers and. I knew these were the people who were no longer among the living. On the other side was her. Charon was right. I couldn't leave them behind. I couldn't leave her behind. I had brought them along with me.

I said "Hullo."

Or rather, I tried to say hello. They were not the only things I'd brought along. They came with me. My shame and guilt and regret and grief and. I could not speak with them on this plane as I could not speak with them in the real world. It occurred to me then that this was not the real world. But it did not matter to me. I had got on the plane and I had to get to my destination. But it was worse now. It was bad enough when I couldn't see them and I couldn't speak to them. Now I could see them but I still couldn't speak to them. Her. It was much worse. Going down the aisle to the toilet, I saw people from my life that brought back fragments of my life that I told myself I would never forget but I did. But in a sense I never did, or why would they appear here on this plane? People who have never known each other, they were sitting next to each other, all connected by one thing in common. Me. Are these the people whose life I've impacted, or the people who have impacted my life? Is there a difference in the two? Yes there is, and there is sadness in that truth.

Something else connects them. It is seen in their sad faces and their melancholy and their smiles which are the smiles you smile when there is nothing to smile about and. I wondered then if a plane could take off if everyone on it has a heavy heart, the pilot, the flight attendants, the passengers. Would it cross some emotional threshold and weigh the plane down? And the silence. Oh yes, what a heavy silence. I wanted to speak but I could not. They had nothing to say. I wondered then if my face would appear to someone else to be like their faces, sad and melancholy and with a smile which is the smile you smile when there is nothing to smile about. Yes, we are all connected by loss. We are none of us unaffected by it.

I saw out of the window, an incredibly tall, impossibly bright white building. And the plane seemed to be circling it.

"Hello. You're arriving at your destination. That is where you can drop off your baggage. Forever. And move on. You'll have closure, and maybe, dare we say it, peace."

It was Charon's voice, but no longer irritably chirpy. He was in his element, steering the boat, or in this case, my plane. And he was addressing me, there was no "Ladies and gentlemen" and he was addressing my hopes and fears. Dare I hope for closure and peace? Was it right for me to? Would it not be wrong for me to move on from her death? How could I drop off my baggage, if they were the people whom I've cared for and the people who have cared for me? How could I move on and have peace when they were dead?

The white spire no longer seemed so impossibly bright, like the few moments that my doubts assailed me were in fact hundreds upon hundreds of years which had caught up on it. But it seemed to have become taller. Graying and taller, did that mean something?"Yes, this is what you've wanted. You weren't living a life, were you? You were slowly dying. Why? Because of all this baggage. Nobody can live with all this. You have to let go. Does it feel some days like you no longer want to move? That it's too much to ask for to keep walking, to keep putting one foot ahead of the other? You are being weighed down. And now finally, you can cast it all away and live."

Is that what I want? Would I want to live life without all this baggage? Would I be allowed to pick up new pieces of baggage after dropping all these off? Would I..? I didn't know the answer. And then I did. I wanted to live again. Those of us left alive, we are left to suffer hope. The hope that there could be a life to live again. All of a sudden I had that hope.

And then I looked out the window and I saw the plane, all of us, me, we were hurtling towards the building. It was black now. A Stygian black that seemed to absorb even light into its infernal gloom. At the back of my mind I thought, how could I have even for one second mistaken this for dazzling white? It was so clear from the first time I saw it, the darkness, my mind just needed time to grasp it. I needed to hope, for without hope you cannot see the darkness, without hope you cannot define it, just as without expectation there is no failure.

It was right in front of us now. I say us but there was only me. My hopes turned into fears as the sky turned into skyscrapers. We hit. The windows shattered. I heard it but what I heard wasn't the sound of windows, it was the sound of glass hearts cracking. Boom. As the body of the plane plowed through the skyscraper. I heard it but what I heard was the sound that's made when disappointment and regret collide.

Then I thought. I want to go home. Where is home? What is it? Home is where the heart is. Home is where the hurt is. Are they one and the same?

The end.

Well. that took me a really long time to write. I always wanted to write about how the sky turned into skyscrapers. That's a line from Apollo Sunshine's Happening. I think it's a rather poignant expression of how 9/11 must have seemed like from a passenger's point of view. It could also be interpreted as a plane making its descent into a city, with none of the smashing into the skyscrapers. I had always wanted to write it but never expected it to turn out like that. I was thinking of maybe a hopeful story with a tragic ending, but I don't know why it seems to be rather tragic all the way. I think I'm drawing from some very excellent sources. Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close, which reminded me of 9/11 and the story I always wanted to write. And Walk On by U2. I was listening to it and the phrase "The only baggage you can bring, is all that you can't leave behind." struck a note within me, and I decided to use it. Using it meant that I had to start with loss, and the title meant I had to end with loss. So it's a story about losing, I don't know, anything that's dear to you I guess.

The fantastical part about meeting Charon and the people who are lost to him, I think that's Neil Gaiman's influence. Charon is, if I'm not mistaken, the boatman who ferries people into Hades, in greek mythology. I borrowed a line from Death Cab's Title And Registration. The paragraph about sleep was inspired by my brother, who manages to sleep almost 12 hours a day, that lucky duck. I hope you enjoyed it. I quite enjoyed writing it.

It might not be the 6th Burrough but this is my bedtime story for you. I'm sorry I can't come up with anything more hopeful.

Well thank you, reader for reading all the way to the end. I hope it was a good story for you. I'll end here cause my brother is probably almost done with bathing and should want to use his comp. So happy new year, just in case I don't have a chance to say it. And just because you read this doesn't mean you're obliged to give me a present, I'll still love you, whoever you are. But it would be nice. Hah. Then again no, I'm neither good at giving nor receiving presents, sometimes it's hard to keep disappointment off your face isn't it? That's a rather negative ending which I don't want so, HAHA BYE BYE HOPE TO SEE YOU SOON WHOEVER YOU ARE!

MerryHappy Boxing Day Yet Again.

Hullo all, hope you guys had an awesome christmas. A day of revelry and merry-making. Or of contentment and simply being happy.

The new year is beckoning. A fresh start, a new beginning. A chance to right wrongs. It is the beguiling lure of a clean slate. It isn't, actually. How could any one day of the year do all that and represent all that? And yet it does. Funny. What is also funny is how do you call 2010? We're used to oh eight and oh nine so how do you say 2010 in short form? Oh ten? Funny how I can't recall 1998 or 1998 either. I think they were ninety-eight and ninety-nine, but at least they have more than 1 syllable. Ten? It's just gonna sound funny. If only we could find someone who lived in the year 1910 and who is still coherent and ask him/her, that would answer many questions.

I guess the end of the year is also a time for you to take stock of what you've got. Or what you think you've got. Anyway. If a good year is one where you've achieved alot, attained alot, then no it's not been a really good year. If a good year is one where you've experienced alot, gone through alot, then yes you could probably say this was a rather good year. If a good year is one where.... I guess it's all a mattter of perspective. How you want to spin your story. If you want to say it's been a good year or a bad year. It's really all up to you. How you want to remember your year. How you want to be remembered.

I've had a good year. 2009 was a good year for me. I lived, I laughed, I loved, I lost. If you run your finger down the list from grief to joy, all that is in between, you'll find that every word can be used to describe my 2009. The entire gamut of human emotion. And through it all I've changed, because what you feel changes you doesn't it? And I think I've changed for the better, that I've managed to grow some. I don't think it's my vanity speaking. And I have to, I'm almost 18 and it's time to grow up.

But sometimes I still feel like a child. A confused child. I don't know what to do and I don't know what to think. And I don't know what I'm supposed to think. I don't like being clueless. I don't know if it frustrates you but it does frustrate me. I frustrate me. You sow some doubts here, and then sprinkle some hope there, and what am I supposed to do? It rather confuses me. Believe me, I'm not trying to be a bumbling idiot.

Do you sometimes wish you were someone else? I sometimes wish I were the kind of person who does stupid things, who doesn't have to think things through every single time. But I'm not. I analyze (and over-analyze) the littlest things and think of the possible consequences of doing anything and everything and what do you know, I end up doing nothing at all. Why can't I act on emotion and do what I feel like doing, say what I feel like saying? (I'm not saying all the time, cause that's not good, only those times that matter.) Why am I so afraid of sounding stupid, looking stupid, seeming desperate, looking bad? Is it pride? Vanity? I don't know but whatever it is I don't like it. Something is inhibiting my actions and staying my hand and I don't like it, sometimes.

I'm stuck in limbo and no, limbo does not rock. I understand it takes time so I'll give it. I don't have to like it.

I'll end here. I hope and I'm sure you guys have had a good 2009 (c'mon don't act pitiful and be mired in sorrow I'm sure there's at least that something that redeems your year.) If you gave me the option I wouldn't mind re-living my 2009. Yes, that is in spite of the ridiculous amount of studying it entails. I've rather run out of words so there might not be another post till next year. (Yes I think I've typed myself dry. 31 posts this year!) Have a blessed year ahead of you (all 5 days that remains of it) and be of good cheer! Devote these last few days to the storied "eat drink and be merry" and enjoy yourselves. Goodbye.

Merry Christmas.

And happy birthday.

Have you ever earnestly made a wish, and then you realize it could be the wrong wish? Do you get to wish again? Can you cancel your wish? Make it not count somehow?

This Is The Day That The Lord Has Made.

This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Thank god I went for service today. It's weird but I haven't been to the indoor stadium for service in years. Maybe the last time was in sec 2. I don't know what creeps into me during the "festive season" that makes me miss christmas service year after year. Festive season in quotation because the past few years have not seemed particularly festive to me. This year is promising to be something quite different, however. From the cheap christmas tree at home (at only $19.90!) to finally attending christmas service. Yes, I am feeling the festive cheer!

Maybe it comes from remembering the true reason for christmas. Make that reasons. It is a time for celebration, to celebrate the presence, the miracle, of friends and family. It is a good reason. And just as important, maybe even more important, the reason for christmas is You. You who have given Your life for the world, let us consecrate this one day to Your name, in remembrance of Your sacrifice. Let us not cross out Christ from Christmas (Xmas) and remember the true reason for this celebration. It is the best reason we need.

I have missed christmas service so often that I never realized we had a tradition of being granted wishes to make. These were mine. Shalom peace to me and mine. Prosperity to me and mine. And by me and mine I refer to everyone whom I care about, and if that includes you, be blessed.

I see how I've been really narrow-minded lately and it wasn't working wonders. When you try too hard you leave no space for god to work in. So I guess it's time to let go and let god. It's not that I think assuming an air of indifference is a good thing, but sometimes you have to not let stuff affect you too much. I feel happier already.

As promised, I've kept off the books until the end of A's, and upon resumption I've been reading some awesome stuff. Book 12 of the Wheel of Time, understandably awesome. Neil Gaiman (what a talent) with Neverwhere and Anansi Boys, both books of which I devoured each in one sitting. And I've borrowed the book that I told myself was gonna be the first book I borrow after A's, Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close. It's gonna be exhilarating.

So I end here with a merry christmas to you and yours, enjoy the festive season and be of good cheer! Shalom!

All That Glitters Is Not Gold

I hate acting out in frustration. It always leaves me feeling like an ass at the end. And rightly so. I am an idiot sometimes. Maybe, most times but I like to think only sometimes. Do not correct me if I'm wrong.

Maybe what seems to be inevitable isn't. Sometimes I have my doubts. I don't like them.

Love Will Tear Us Apart Again.

It's raining. A sneaky little drizzle that I didn't notice until I looked out the window. It promises a lazy day at home, after 2 nights staying out, rugby, barbecue and general merry-making. The match was a mixed bag, scoring a try but mis-tackling twice and letting in tries. Really annoyed. But I guess it's not about any of us anymore, but rather about letting the juniors gain experience and help them improve.

Chalet was alright, I reached a day late and in merely a while about half of them left, leaving 8 of us guys very alone and very gay. We played some fun card game Bang! which was interesting enough to keep most of us awake till about 4? No idea what time actually. Woke up at 8.30 checked out and finally reached home. No place like home indeed. Nobody around though.

I guess it's hard to manage expectation. You have to temper your expectations with a dose of reality every once in a while, or they just get out of hand, unreasonable. It's a good thing I've got my daily dosage.

Some awesome songs by Joy Division, although his voice takes a little getting used to. So depressing though. Love Will Tear Us Apart? Ah The Killers cover Shadowplay pretty nicely too. Been so long since I managed to use the laptop which has glorious sound, my comp's keyboard failed on me just like its distant cousin, the audio.

$60 DOLLARS ON BOOKS. That was like the only saving grace from a day of attempted shopping. The next book in the Wheel Of Time, GOT IT. More Neil Gaiman, GOT THEM. Simply awesome. I could live in bliss for the next few days without stepping out of my room.

Hahahaah check out Don't Shoot Me Santa by The Killers guys, the music video is so awesome, like the best christmas song ever. I wonder how they have so many good songs though, I'm on youtube and I'm listening to some good stuff that I've never seen. Wonder if I should catch their concert in january.

Some random line from A Great Big Sled stuck with me. And then I heard The Youth by MGMT. I'm saddened at the state of the world today. Kids these days, they're growing up so desensitized. And innocence seems to be so rare now. We're losing our innocence at an earlier age with every passing year. Children now, they hardly have their childhood anymore, with all that exposure to sex and violence, profanities and obscenities. Is it not the job of any living creature to provide for their young? The least they deserve is their childhood, their innocence. Let's not rob them of that.

Maybe I'm a little sad that our structured school life has basically just ended. And our paths all diverge from now on. And we'll never know each other the way we do now. It's like this tiny frame of time where all of our lives intersect, and once we leave this brief intersect we'll all change, we'll never be the same way again. So yeah. It's been a pleasure, friends, knowing all of you the way you are now. Please resist the inexorable pull of the future and not change too much, it would quite sadden me. Yep. Melancholy over.

Leaving house in just a bit, dreams of a lazy afternoon just me and my books dashed. Ho hum. Goodbye.

Starts With W Ends With W...

Er..... WOW. Yeah that's the word. The A's just ended but oddly enough it doesn't feel so momentous. Maybe that's just the lack of sleep talking. It's funny cause on my way home I was thinking if I should dota and I realized that hey, I don't even have to stop myself anymore. But nah, not going to play too long. Gets boring after a while.

Some mahjong last night, hey? I really started to feel sad for you guys after a while, I didn't want to burn your backsides so bad! Winning so tiring though, I was the first to fall asleep. Gotta do this more, the looks of anguish on your faces so satisfactory :D ZMMT FTW EHEHEEEHEHEHE.

And it's a whirlwind of a ride. Picks you up and spins you round, and when it's done it throws you down. It makes me a little fearful the ease with which it does that. I guess I have no choice but to hold on tight and enjoy the ride. It's not one with a set destination though, it's not as simple as that, at least I don't think so.

Right I can read books again. Captain Ho is lending me Flowers For Algernon, which is simply awesome. I'm really looking forward to reading that. And he has some 40% off thing at Borders so I'm gonna borrow money from my mom to buy books! Yahoo.

Hahah, this rush of euphoria, it's not natural it isn't. But if something makes me unnaturally happy, who cares? I like it. I can sleep worry-free now, tata :D

I Feel It In My Fingers, I Feel It In My Toes

I injured both my fingers and a toe. SUX2BME. Anyway the end of A's are coming. I can feel it. It's in the air around us like super-charged particles and I mean SUPERCHARGED WOOOOOHOOOOOOO. It's gonna be awesome. It's gonna be legen - wait for it - DARY! HIMYM levels of awesome-ness.

Unless of course we fail our freaking papers and have to retake them. Ouch reality bites. But let's disregard that awful possibility and enjoy life to the fullest for the next few months, cause we'll never have this opportunity again! Enjoi ttm with friends! Grow taogay! Mahjong camp! Play touch! Unless of course we fail our freaking papers, then we get to do it again next year. Hahaha.

Unfortunately with that in mind, I have absolutely no mood to study whatsoever. Our freaking shiny enjoyable futures are looming so big I can't see past them to get to my notes. And it's physics paper 3 tmr. Why oh why, O Cruel World.

Anyway everyone should catch Fantastic Mr. Fox! It is rioutously fun. What an awesome show to kickstart the end of A's or to forget for 90mins the freaking papers that are coming up. Totally enjoyable. I'm sorry CGI but old-school stop motion technology is just lovely. Brilliantly retro. And such wit too, what's not to like? Don't scoff at cartoons (yes, you!) cause if you enter the movie minus cynicism, you'll be able to enjoy yourself like any child would.

Okay anyway shoutout to my circle of friends (pls don't kick me out after today) the past few weeks have been awesome. It may or may not be a good thing but you guys have made the A's not feel like the A's thanks to all your awesomenesses. As a sidenote, pls none of you even think of winning the taogay competition cause I'm freaking farmer chuan, plants are my forte.

Time is an issue. Never thought there would be a time limit, a due date. It's troubling. I don't like it, not at all. I can't shake off the feeling that it'll all end in tears, and not dropped in happiness either. I thought it'd be EZPZ but it's not.

I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes
Love is all around me and so the feeling grows
It's written on the wind, it's everywhere I go
So if you really love me, come on and let it show
You know I love you I always will
My mind's made up by the way that I feel
There's no beginning, there'll be no end
'Cause on my love you can depend
I see your face before me, as I lay on my bed
I kinda get to thinking of all the things we said
You gave a promise to me, and I gave mine to you
I need someone beside me in everything I do
You know I love you I always will
My mind's made up by the way that I feel
There's no beginning, there'll be no end
'Cause on my love you can depend
It's written on the wind, it's everywhere I go
So if you really love me, come on and let it show
Come on and let it show

I'm Only Happy When It Rains.

But it didn't. Rolling thunder, check. Blinding lightning, check. Ominously dark sky, check. All that build-up, all that suspense, and it just died down with barely a whimper. I was so psyched for some awesome, pounding rain, the sort that limits visibility to the puny little reach of your outstretched arm. A joyous outpouring of expression, a release of pent up frustration, there's nothing quite as soothing, methinks.

Ah, lightning. A woman of such caprice. Her fleet-footed dance across the sky, at once dazzling and deadly.

I would write more but I'm afraid poetry's beyond my ken. It's like the most complex form of English ever, sometimes rigid sometimes free-flowing, and yet never understood. Nothing but Respekt for all you lit students. You guys have an awesome ability, treasure it.

Okay so we're currently in the middle of the A's. Awesome, because that means that there's only another half to go. You have no idea the longing I have for this ordeal to be over.

Well all that was typed yesterday, my brother just had to wake up and totally disrupt my flow of thoughts and stop me from blogging further. He's living the good life, he is. Going out daily, staying over, reveling in life in general. Wait till he gets to JC HAHAHA. 2 years of being a loser. Unfortunately for the next 2 years I'll be in army so as much as I wish I could be at home daily to mock him, I can't. I guess you just can't have it all.

I think life used to be simpler. Thanks but no thanks, globalization, for muddying the water. Now everything has that air of impermanence about it, where nothing is set in stone, where people can just jet off and not look back, it's a sad state of affairs. I don't like it.

I can't help but feel like I'm wasting every day. Like I'm not doing anything of note. I start on my way home and I rue all the things I didn't say, and all the things I didn't do. Yesterday, today, nothing seems to be changing. It's a sucky feeling.

Well it's 1.30 and to all you sad sacks taking econs, be hopeful, cause I'll be praying for you guys. All the best.

DeMan Who Was Not A Man.

Well today I mourn the passing of a fabrication, the death of an identity constructed. I can't say I was proud of it, it's actually quite embarrassing. I refer to it as an it and not a he, because I have this strong conviction that this construct was no man. It was this wimpy, loser stupid girl. I admit I'm a little shocked at it's existence. Even now it's dead and 6 feet under, I'm still somewhat in a state of disbelief. It was a total loser, and I was it.

Interesting week it's been. And let me tell you something about dreams, and it's not the same as that previous post about it. It's a dream of a different kind. Cause this past week, I had a dream. I had a dream where solitude was to be nothing but a memory. I had a dream where me and solitude part ways and I walk into the glorious sunset or somesuch cinematic ending. I had a dream. I no longer do. What a week.

I might actually have been possessed this last week. I've never allowed myself to dream, and as it turned out, it was a mistake. Well dreams are for people who can achieve them. If you never will, why bother dreaming? The burden of expectation on yourself, deluding yourself, and in the end it all works out to naught. If you can achieve them, by all means dream on! Cause I have to admit, the experience was something special. Folly, in retrospect, but does not bliss lie in foolishness? All fools are happy fools.

And here now we've reached the stop where my dreams get off, but the train of my thoughts continue. I'm leaving this station far behind.

Anyway I caught (500) days of summer! I've got to say it's seriously awesome and everyone should watch it cause it's really great. I'm not sure what genre it falls under, maybe love? Probably love, but it's not a romantic sappy sort. It's sort of a.... well it's a pretty light movie yet totally engrossing. There's nothing deeper to it yet it's highly enjoyable. And it's pretty hilarious too, really refreshing movie, at once hopeful yet not. Glad I took the time out to watch it. Gotta love Zooey Deschanel who incidentally is the sister of Bones! It was cool to see my man Dr. Spencer Reid from criminal minds and the lawyer also from bones. And terrifically done by Joseph Gordon-Levitt, I might just check out his back catalogue cause he's really good. Well go for it guys, just 90 minutes off studying, it's worth it.

And from the movie I do recall: People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated. I Lol'd when I heard that. The couple next to me probably thought I was trying to console meself. It's interesting how the stares I get for being alone no longer make me feel awkward but instead amuse me no end. I should do this more often.

Well enjoy a good day ahead, guys. I know I will.

Cement Lament.

I just went for a morning run. The equivalent of a morning run when your body clock is really screwed up. I slept at about 5pm and woke at 2. I then went for a run at 3.30. I thought I had run for quite some time but it turned out to be a mere 1 hour affair. No idea why time seems to be trickling by tonight. So well my lament is that my back really aches when I run. It's so irritating that I couldn't focus and hit my stride. Really unnatural pace. After only 20 mins I thought I'd run for at least half an hour. Cui man. To think I used to be revitalized after running. I think I'm going to look really haggard and tired later in school.

Anyway it seems to have whittled down to 28 days left or something. Whatever it is I don't care, I just want to make a cool reference to 28 Days Later, that cool zombie flick. Well so I think I've made my peace with not scoring spectacularly. I just feel it doesn't matter how well I score, or that I didn't get my desired straight As. Why get sucked into the paper chase? The futility of it is apparent. Yes it would be immensely gratifying and satisfying to get all As and brag about it for years, but that's purely for ego's sake. I don't think it's that important anymore. Good thing I've lowered my parents' expectations after a string of bad results since last year.

So I was wondering again about the public nature of blogs. While I would like to pretend that nobody reads my blog, that's just not possible. I'd like to think that whether or not someone is reading my posts doesn't matter, but it just doesn't work that way. It matters that I don't say what I truly want to say. And also how you present yourself, it's pretty unnatural, at least to me. Some things I want to say but they seem pretentious or something, and I eventually don't. Some things are too private. It's just weird.

Oh it's raining. Pleasant, rainy day. If I weren't already awake, I'd say it's odds on that I wouldn't go to school. Even now I'm having second thoughts. Sounds like a really good idea, to not go to school and luxuriate at home with the sound of raindrops crooning me to sleep. What poetic imagery. What temptation.

It's been raining a bit lately. Just yesterday I had a sudden urge to walk home in the rain. I remember getting soaked in the rain kicking soccer, or playing basketball, or doing whatever stupid things that kids in general do. And the best part was that we didn't care. It'd have felt good to do something stupid again, but by the time I went home the rain had subsided to the meekest drizzle. Oh well.

Note to self. I'm really upset that all my postcards and letters have vanished. Seriously. I really cherish those postcards. Each one is a slice of the past. Most of them are earnest messages of goodwill. The people who you've been close to through the years, leaving you notes of appreciation. You might see them lying around randomly and it just makes you happy to read it. A reminder of the past. Damn. I only have one left, and the postcard is a Bratz one. Pink and Bratz. Wts.

I'm having some serious reservations about going to school. But I'll just end off here. If I do go to school I deserve applause for my mental fortitude. No wait, I just changed my mind. GP and Econs? NO HAHA NEVER. Yeah my decision was made for me. Stupid timetable srsly. Till next time, then.

Nightmares And Dreamscapes.

Cool title, srsly. Yes, I didn't come up with it, it's the title of a stephen king anthology. But it sounds cool and it's pertinent to what I intend to blog about. Dreams.

Intriguing topic, really. Powerful messages from our subconscious to us? Prophetic? The thoughts lurking at the back of your mind taking form? Some of them are just plain weird. Inexplicable. And some are so vivid you can't help but think about it. The funniest are those weird AND vivid ones. I clearly recall a dream when I was young that I was licking some wax thing from the kitchen ceiling. It felt so real I wasn't sure if I really licked the freaking ceiling or not. Yucks.

Anyway the reason I'm blogging about this is the odd dreams I've been having these past few days. Child soldiers committing suicide by jumping off a cliff. That one was pretty impactful, I was thinking about child soldiers the whole day after that. And the one just last night was worse, I dreamt I received news of my brother's death. Honestly I woke up in a fright. Freaking scary.

It's not something I'm willing to contemplate. Not even slightly. And it's unimaginable, absurd. But it did set me thinking of how much of my childhood was spent with him. Some stories are special. Dear to your heart. They mean so much to you that you can't help but want to share it with someone else. When (if) I get a girlfriend I'm freaking going to regale her with all my childhood stories, and she better enjoy them. Mr Demanding.

His O levels are in I think 3 weeks time or something. I hope he does very well. Honestly I hope he does better than me. I think my parents expect alot from him so if he doesn't beat my score it'll be truly sucky. And I think he wants to beat me. Even I want him to beat me. I admit I do engage in one-upmanship with him but this is one thing I hope I get owned in.

Studied at BBMAC just now, overnight. It was however only about 6 hours, and considering a best case scenario of 50% efficiency, then it's a punitive 3 hours of studying. After skipping school for 2 consecutive days, I can with conviction say that I'm pathetic. There's just no urgency whatsoever, despite all the dire warnings we've all received about the little time left till A's. But as the saying goes, hope springs eternal. So you got that right, I'm still quite optimistic. I do remember a time where I was aiming for a scholarship. That time however, has passed. Although I am still (foolishly) thinking of straight As.

I'm suddenly feeling very tired cause the caffeine is wearing off. Damn. Probably gonna sleep through service =/ So draining. And newsflash, I saw in the papers about this teacher who had to watch as her students died while on top of her. Man. What trauma. All these disasters happening one upon another, it's very sad. Apparently it's all just a matter of time till the Big One, the earthquake that is going to be so cataclysmic. I also read that earthquakes weaken already unstable fault lines, leading to more numerous, powerful earthquakes. Won't that continue all the way until the earth splits apart at its seams? Nature 1:0 Humans.

Super tired. I'll sleep for an hour,and hopefully wake up. Till then, pleasant dreams.

Sup.

Short post.

Ahah well not THAT short. I just felt like blogging cause I've been feeling restless. You know who you can count on to encapsulate your thoughts? The masters, that's who. With simple words and simple music, The Beatles. Here's a line.

Do you need anybody,
I need somebody to love.
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love.

Okay that was 4 lines, but you get my point. That's why they should be remembered forever, not because some marketing guru decides that it's time to milk a cash cow again.

Sometimes, you really want someone to love. Probably even more than you want to be loved. And sometimes things just won't fall into place. You might hope and dream but that confluence of time and chance just won't happen. Then what do you do? What's left to do? Sit around waiting for that perfect set of circumstances, yet again? Sometimes that seems the height of folly. Other times, it seems bearable, cause it's the only thing to do.

ZOMBIIEEeee...

Sometimes life gets so boring and monotonous, it seems we're not in fact living at all. We're all zombies. If I were a zombie I'd be the cool ones from 28 Days Later which are freaking incredible. You could be.. the ones from Thriller. I prwn you like np. Anyway I just woke up, and I'm one contented fella. I mean 9.30 on a school day? Just Like Heaven. After going through yesterday like the living dead, I can feel life coursing through my veins. Goodbye, lethargy. Unfortunately, I'm going to expend it studying later. As usual. Studying is disgusting, yet oddly satisfying if you do manage to understand everything. Mostly however, it's disgusting.

Now is the time of the year where I start getting very concerned over my friends. Some people try so hard and don't do well. Some people don't try at all and don't do well. Everyone's not doing well. And nobody knows if they will do well. I'm an optimist, I like to think that all's well that ends well. It doesn't work that way however, people succeed and people fail, barring a miracle. That's what I'm banking on, a miracle. For how can He not then give us ALL things? Keep the faith.

My goodness How I Met Your Mother is awesome. I finished season 1 in one day, that's how freaking good it is. I watched the first episode and I was hooked. It's not just the bomb, it's osama plus mas selamat plus kim jung il. And more.

And.. nope, nothing deep today. No philosphical jaunts or peeks into my dark, troubled mind, I'm sorry. That's that.

Shoutout to all my friends having trouble coping with studies, struggling with life. We'll pull through.

The Death Knell Tolls.

Oh yes, the holidays are drawing to an end. Or rather, oh no. Glorious, glorious holiday. Well I'm going to be a bore and tell you how my holidays went. First half of it, I didn't do anything. I stayed at home and dota-ed and played a cutesy mmorpg game. Gaynerd, I know. Then I started studying cause I grew a conscience all of a sudden. Of course, it helped that I woke up earlier than 5pm and that woonshin asked me out to study, or my character in said cutesy mmorpg could be a legend now. That does sound like a cool alternative way to have spent my holidays. Steamboat, bowling, pool, overnight studying with actual studying involved. Been pretty b-z so it's all good.

I also watched Moon on wednesday. I'm afraid I wasn't really in the mood for a movie, I'm not sure why, but I did enjoy it. That's a testament to how good it is, even though I was just sitting there not very engaged. It's basically a one-man show, with only one actor almost throughout the movie. Acting was fantastic. It is also a solid piece on loneliness and humanity. Good premise, majestic set, great acting, sharp dialogue, there's nothing more to ask for. There's still district 9 which apparently is still in cinemas, according to the cool new function I just discovered all starhub users have which can check movie timings. Only 20cents a pop too. Fantastic.

And friend, it's been a long time. We've hardly talked, merely made sporadic small chat here and there. You're still on my mind. Sometimes I watch a movie, and a part of me doesn't want to watch it alone. Your name always comes to mind. Then I come home and tuck my movie ticket into the bunny box. Treasured. as is everything else. Friend, you are dearly missed.

There is also however, that niggling fear. A hesitance before I start a conversation. Maybe things aren't the same, the person I'm talking to isn't the same person I used to talk to. That awkwardness stemming from months of no contact that doesn't quite go away. It's odd and makes me quite conflicted. While it was to me a treasured friendship that I don't want to lose or for it to fade away into oblivion, I'm afraid things will never be the same and we'll have lost that easy normalcy between us, leaving us as normal friends who rarely if ever talk. It's too precious for that.

We are victims of our circumstances, aren't we? Or its beneficiaries, if you're a half-cup-full sort of person. Sometimes bad things happen. But how you react to it, and the reaction of people around you, sometimes those are good things. It's good to remember that.

Life, life is a precarious business. Everything is built upon the reaction of people to situations. I assume there was an original action in the first place, but pretty much everything else is reaction. Someone did this which initiated that which caused me to do this and you then attempt that. And it's like a house of cards. Unstable, rickety, but somehow it doesn't collapse. Most of the time it doesn't. So take a step back someday and recognize the sheer improbability of life. And in that improbability, find the beauty and the wonder. It'll take your mind off the A levels :)

I actually wasn't thinking of writing all that but it just came out. Good job subconscious. I like walking. It's entirely different from running where you lose yourself. It's an opportunity to contemplate and ruminate. Lovely word, ruminate, always wanted to use it and I did :D You don't even have to ponder on things if you don't want to, but it's a good time to do so. More time than you'll ever have anywhere else (except maybe when traveling but that's different.)

I'm listening to The Cure. Really weird frontman, all that makeup is just creepy. But pretty good listening nonetheless as long as I'm not watching the video from youtube. And The Police, it's a shame I'm too lazy to transfer these songs to my phone. There's something with me and oldies at the moment. The Beach Boys. And oh beatlemania is back, according to the papers. It's good that people will listen to the beatles again but if they're gonna get overplayed on the radio then damn. I'm a Class 95 fan now though, whatwith studying at macs so often. Lovely songs, the occasional classic and the occasional boyband song, and some recent ones too but thankfully not too many of those.

Well it's 1.15am and there's school tomorrow. Even after sleeping a healthy 8 hours from 10 to 6pm I'm still pretty tired. Should (hopefully) be going to sleep soon cause there's school tomorrow. Yey? School's a mixed bag. Some days I'm happy to go and some days I regret going. And most days I wake up late and my decision is made for me. Oh man. The resumption of school means that.. It's the final leg of the journey. No, I'm not worried yet, but still this is symbolic. The Last Stretch.

On a less gloomy note my parents are back so no more being terrified of running out of money. And even better. It's dota time.

The Cure - Boys Don't Cry

I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I've said too much
Been too unkind

I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try and
Laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness
Plead with you
But I know that
It's too late
And now there's nothing I can do

So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to
laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry

I would tell you
That I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it's no use
That you've already
Gone away

Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more

Now I would do most anything
To get you back by my side
But I just
Keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

Byez

Sleepless Nights And Neon Lights.

I stand up and walk out of my room. I stare out the window. I get back into bed. I plug in my earpiece and try to sleep. Again. I don't. I stand up and walk out of my room. I switch on the tv. Gameshow. I switch it off. I stare out the window. I lie on my bed. I still don't sleep. I hear the passage of cars in the distance. Zoooooom. I am not asleep. I stare at my phone. The time. Nobody attempted to contact me.

I go out. Down 8 stories, I head out into the streets. All those garish neon lights beckoning me with their unholy allure. All that sleaze and grime. A few bucks for some loving. Sounds like a steal. I enter.

I leave. I decide, that isn't love. That's business. A mere transaction.

I walk on. And still, the neon lights like siren song, calling out. Wanton displays of flesh. No thank you, I've had my share for tonight. Instant gratification of all forms, if I would only part with my money? I am tempted. I am repulsed. To lose myself in debauchery. I ponder for a moment. No, I don't think I'd like that. I decline.

I go back home. I try to sleep. I don't. I can still see those neon lights. I stare at the ceiling. I hear the drone of the fan. Whirrrrrrrrrrrr.

----------------------------------------------------

I couldn't sleep last night and I was restlessly pacing around the house. Newspapers, tv, staring out the window. I didn't want to use the comp though. I was thinking of a cool phrase to accompany Sleepless Nights and I came up with Neon Lights, thus the story. It could have been Sights or Frights or any other word. I guess the story would be pretty different if I had blogged last night instead of tonight. That's what I like about stories, and words. The infinite variants.

I don't normally like to talk about stories much. Every story has a different meaning to everybody, holds a different truth. Same for movies. Sure, I can wax lyrical about them, but deep down, what it is that makes it tick isn't the same for you and me. Although it is interesting to observe what different people take away from their viewings. And to listen to their interpretations of it. That is if you have an open mind and aren't pissed of by every contrarian notion you see (although sometimes those who are different merely for the sake of being different are quite irksome.)

Anyway I think the story is about how easy it is to lose yourself (well, to me that is). It really is easy. There are times when you've lost yourself in a brief moment of insanity (or clarity,) and times when you wish you had. It's about those days when you stay awake at night. And everything seems to be so meaningless. Those days where you wake up and everything is so dreary and you're listless all day and so indifferent to it all. It's about a lonely person and how nobody cares for what he does. It's about how people set out to buy love but never obtain it. And it's about how some things get a hold on your mind and never release it. It could be something you've done, or wish you'd done. Or it could be someone.

In the course of writing the story I somehow had the thought that a whorehouse is like a charnel house. The people inside, they're all dead. I'm not one to pass judgment, there could be circumstances which happen to set them on their path, but I just think it's sad how the most intimate form of human contact is reduced to nothing but a business transaction. I can't imagine that a person can still truly be alive after that. You've got to have life to be alive. If the meaning of life is just to get by, to live another day, then I'm sorry for you, cause life means so much more to me.

Well, so much for not talking about stories. Anyway I finally drifted off to sleep last night and woke up 3 hours later to go for 1st service. I wish I'd slept for 2 and a half hours instead. I was late by 30 minutes for service and missed praise and worship. Darlene Zschech led worship today so I can't believe I missed it. But service was pretty good and quite pertinent.

One passage that struck me was this, Hebrews 4:15-16

For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

I was pretty disappointed when I thought that District 9 wasn't showing anymore more but lo and behold, it still is. That was just a one day exception apparently. What a scare. I'm also going to watch Moon. It's amazing how many times I've broken promises to myself. One that I haven't broken yet though, is the one to not read anymore novels. I was sorely tested the other day when I went into the westmall library. Puny and laughable though the collection there is, I found 2 books that I wanted to borrow. I even took them and was heading to the machines when the voice in my head said, NO! I complied and here I am, spending every sleepless night using the comp instead of reading myself to sleep.

I also had a haircut. Unfortunately. My sister said I look like GI Joe. I guess that's what I get for complaining about Channing Tatum's ears. It's a really horrible mistake, seriously. My brother remarked that I don't have hair, I have a cliff. If you see it you'll understand. Oh man.

So it's 7.30am already. I've been up since 3.30 after sleeping at 8. I wonder if I'll study later, since my haircut is going to subject me to much mockery. Or I could stay at home and watch Mr. Patrick Jane at work in the Mentalist. Good show, that. Almost done with the whole season despite starting only on friday. Or I could dota. Or I could watch a movie later. Tempting, that.

Alright, that's that then.

I Deal In Commodities.

I'm nobody special. A businessman whose commodity happens to be that most precious thing known to man, hope. I dispense hope, for a price. Don't ask me if the price is worth it, I'm merely the dealer. (cocked eyebrow, shrug of the shoulders.)

Oh, is that so? I don't give a shit. (slams table, real anger.) Tell me about the first one. No more bullshit.

Well, if you insist. Ah, the first one. Is it not said the first time is always the best? (another slam on the table.) Alright, alright, I'm just recounting. Well the first one, she's what you'd call a two-looker. Someone you look at once, then look again. A real beaut that one. Not terribly bright though. (scoff) Whaddya know, guess what she came in with, self-esteem and image problems. Thought she was fat and ugly. Felt that her life wasn't worth living. Way too easy, to be honest. Some mock sympathy and medical jargon and I had her. She wanted to end her misery, I did.

Shut up. I said no more of that crap. So you confess to it?

Gladly, why should I deny it? She got what she wanted, I was doing her a favour, merely fulfilling her wishes. (barely restrained fury) Okay, calm down. I'll tell you want you want to hear. The second one. Oh, one to make you weep. Like a greek tragic it was. Young lad, barely out of his teens if I remember correctly. He was seeking to escape all those (faint smile) crushing issues all young people face. Out of luck and out of love, he was snared by my promises of a solution to all his problems. I offered him hope, and he eagerly grabbed it. Oh, I asked him. Do you want a way out? No prizes for guessing what he said. I gave it to him.

(grunt) Okay that will be all for today. (gets up to leave) I'll see you in cou-

Why so hasty? Perhaps you see more than a little sense in what I'm saying? I'm not a murderer, God forbid. I'm a businessman. I give people what they want. I'm sure it doesn't shock you how many people want what I can give. Truly it doesn't. Who would pass up the chance to be free of all cares? I'm not surprised I got caught, I'm surprised you would want me caught. I'm doing the world a service. Deep inside, everyone wants to die. They just haven't come to that conclusion yet. Maybe I'm ahead of the curve, or jumping the gun a little bit. But ultimately, is what I'm doing so wrong? Ending years of misery and pain that life without fail dishes out. Tell me what's wrong with that. (silence) You can't. That will be all for today, this was taxing. And may I have a glass of water on your way out?

(silence. door slams. silence again.)


I don't know what else to write. It wasn't one of the stories I planned to write, although I had one in mind about a dealer of hope. Wasn't this though, I don't know how it came about. Maybe it's the Criminal Minds (4 seasons of it) coming through. Well it's not particularly good. I don't like it myself. I think it's supposed to be a Hannibal-Joker-like murderer but it's pretty hard to portray without using any descriptive words. The idea itself isn't very strong. Not well done.

Anyway I caught Up the other day. Well I guess it wasn't exactly a very timely moment to watch it, given the circumstance. I went in with high expectations, and still loved it. I don't know what I was expecting, but the show was unexpectedly touching. It's such a sincere and heartfelt show, really moving at parts. Maybe some people go in with the notion that all cartoons have to be retardedly funny or were put off by the simple plot. I like simple, simple is good. It's an honest film that (I think) isn't just out to rake in the money with cheap laughs and cheap thrills. Awesome show.

I want to watch District 9 and Moon. What a relief, I thought Moon ended it's run already cause I read about it a few months back. But it's about to be released soon yey. And Inglorious Basterds. Definitely. I have 30 dollars stowed away, there's no excuse not to watch these movies.

Went to the Tea Party to celebrate Anjo's birthday. Such good food, and it was free to boot. Didn't expect to not pay, but what a pleasant surprise. Played Taboo (Singapore version), was pretty fun.

I don't know why I'm not sleeping, my eye bags are massive but it's 6am already. I indulged in some Super Smash Bros and suffice to say I'm a Kirby legend. Even with the lousy keyboard I managed to win everyone. Was not so good with Pikachu though. I recommend the game to everyone, it's serious fun. Yeah yeah. mega-nerd playing dota and games with Mario and Pikachu. YEY.

I did go for a walk eventually. Thursday or Wednesday night, when the skies were being hesitant. Like ai-mai ai-mai want to rain don't want to rain like that. So I thought at least it's not so hot, so I embarked on the journey in my school pants and flipflops. 2 hours later, I returned home feeling so much better. You know sometimes you have too much restless energy and dota just can't cut it? It's a horrible sensation, that. But I felt so at peace with myself and the world in general after the walk. Therapeutic totally.

Wtshit my brother woke up. He's never slept for less than 15 hours on a weekend or holiday I think. That's got me worried I'm ending my post. Ta-ta.

Where Did Your Long Hair Go?

Good thing I didn't go for a walk like I intended to. My mom just woke up coughing and can you imagine her surprise if I weren't at home at 4 in the morning. After asking her if she needed water and helping her pour a cup, she said that I've changed, that at least I show consideration now. That was awkward, I didn't know what to say. I said, aiya. But well it's true, doing good feels good, especially when you show a loved one you care.

I think, I wanna live somewhere that has all four seasons, instead of permanent humidity and heat. I'd like to go for walks but the idea of sweating like a pig rather puts me off. Just to soak in the night, enjoy the unadulterated air (no cars no buses no bikes). My brother has this plan to be a farmer in scotland (no idea why scotland he didn't provide much explanation) and live the simple life. Or just to live a simple life minus the cows and sheep and corn, say, working as something mundane in a small town. It's appealing, really. I've even set my sights on someplace that's not so far away, just in case the cows don't work out. All rolling hills and green pastures. Sounds terrific. Although being an executive in some MNC and earning big bucks while working in Europe or something could work too, I guess.

Well I'm afraid that I pretty much screwed up my GP. Every paragraph ended with me thinking, wah lao so weak. And the vocab! Like some horror story, 20 minutes and 5 words later, I felt like a nub. 1 page AQ in 40 minutes. Horrible paraphrasing for summary. And I overslept for Chem today. Absolutely retarded. Prelims have so far not been kind.

I watched Layer Cake and Mystic River the other day. I always knew Mystic River was good after watching it on Channel 5 but the adverts and lousy sound do no justice to an epic like that. Fantastic acting and story. Trawling through the imdb boards after the show, I'm struck by how many people cannot accept an ending that's not happy. Apparently movies are for you to escape reality and there's enough injustice around in real life so movies shouldn't contain any. That's just weird. Layer Cake is a brit gangster story sort of like Snatch but in a different mould. Less outright humour and alot more subtlety. Solid acting by Daniel Craig too, and I admit, there's Sienna Miller in a sort of lengthy cameo role, but doesn't feature much really (beyond the lacy lingerie). Pretty good day, I'd say. I wanted to watch Up on thursday but dota held me in its thrall, and I couldn't bring myself to leave the house. Later, maybe, pricey tickets notwithstanding.

Except that it's 8.36am now, 4 hours after I began this post. If I can wake up, I'll check the movie timings and go. If I don't, I'll be a retard for the third day running.

And yeah I guess I'm going to take a nap. Trying times for a troubled friend, but don't worry you'll pull through.

I Want You So Bad It's Driving Me Mad.

Annoyingly stuck in my head, and not the Beatles' version. The stupid woman from Across the Universe singing this cheesy line in that irritating act-sexy low voice. Terrific movie nonetheless. Speaking of terrific movies, I watched G.I Joe recently. All I can say is, Sienna Miller (black hair, specs) is oolala hot hot. As in woo I'm melting sizzling hot. She singlehandedly made the movie bearable for me. Okay plot, cheesy dialogue, not too shabby visuals. That was about all the movie had to offer and only the (thankfully plenty) sightings of The Baroness pulled me through. I'm gonna watch Up, prelims regardless.

Which reminds me of how ridiculously unprepared I am for the prelims. Probably everyone else. I don't know why I feel so indifferent about the prelims which starts in oh, 2 days. But well, too bad. It's a shame I'm not gonna ace the prelims cause no matter how you put it, nobody really wants to fail any exam. But resigned to my fate I am.

I wanted to leave iDream at the top, cause I like that story. There are a myriad ways it could have ended, but I think I like it best like that. Abrupt. Like most things that end, without warning and maybe even without reason. I wonder what I'd do if I had the choice to dream uninterrupted. Would you? Or would you persist in the hope that somehow, reality is gonna turn out good. Hope, that commodity so precious to every human being, as Terry Pratchett so poignantly pointed out.

Anyhow, I went for a little run just under an hour, maybe 10 klicks or less. I can safely say I'm not one of those people fueled by a passion for running. It's just blessed relief from thinking. Nothing to it, one foot after another. Nobody talking, the only sound the slap of your feet against the pavement. Can't think, not with the dull pain in your ankles, your knees. Can't focus, not on anything but your rhythmic, laborious breathing. Until you reach home. Ah, but by then you're too tired to do anything but plonk your (sweaty) self into a chair and rest. The good life.

Need. To. Study. Today. Yeah bumming around for the last 2 days was ill advised, really stupid waste of time. Let's hope this doesn't develop into a nasty trend. Against my better judgment however, it's dota time!

Sienna Miller, ouïe!

iDream

Ladies, gentlemen. Today we unveil our latest, and the finest, in technology. We realized that your every waking moment was spent using our products, plugged into our iPods, tapping away at our MacBooks. And that the only way we could improve on how we improve your lives is to develop a product that could entertain you while you were (significant pause) asleep. Today is the day our efforts have come to fruition, I give you, the iDream. (cue applause)

Ever wanted to live a dream? Now you can. With iDream, anything is possible. No more nightmares, waking or otherwise. This is escapism in its ultimate form. Dreading the next day? Cast your worries aside every night with iDream. This groundbreaking machine will allow you to dream the dreams you want to dream. It will cater to every electrical impulse fired between the neurons in your brain, such that all your whims and desires are taken care of. Ah, I see your rapt attention dwindling away, so I shall spare you the boring details of how it works. Suffice to say that it does. It has also been tried and tested to be safe. (Oh yes, the testers are still alive, no doubt about that.)

Ladies, gentlemen. Enjoy.

The next day, no one woke up. And the day after. And the day after. They were living their dreams.

Wait. They Don't Love You Like I Love You.

To borrow a line from Donnie Darko's 'Mad World', I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. That I have to skip school to study. That's rich. It's not that I sleep extra or anything by not going to school, I actually leave home at around the same time. And I'm doing it again in a few hours. School is just so drab, I spend my time in class wishing for breaks and my breaks doing nothing. It ends in my time in school being absolutely futile. Oh and I heard Mad World on the radio but not the Gary Jules' version, unfortunately.

Anyway there I went again, being rude to my dad. It irks me that I know about it yet cannot (or refuse to) change my behavior. I know when I'm being unnecessarily irritated, I just can't seem to stop myself. I don't want to have a fraught relationship with my dad, like some angsty teenager would.

On the subject of family, I realize that I really would not want any of them to read my blog. No matter that I might be pretty close to both my brother and sister, I wouldn't want them reading this. I dunno why but I think it'd be quite weird. It's probably the same rationale my brother uses for not adding either me or my sister on facebook. A modicum of privacy from people you've spent all your life with or something, I dunno. But no matter how my sister pesters me, I'm not telling her.

My mom returned from malacca and I'm delighted for her that she managed to spend time away from work and enjoy herself with her colleagues. It's been a while since the days of my rebellious youth where everyday was spent battling against the parental forces I felt were trying to rein me in. I'd like to think I'm beginning to appreciate my parents a little bit more.

Oh yeah I'm not reading any more books till the end of A's. It's a (joking) promise I made to my CT but I decided I'm gonna honor it since it's gonna work out for my own good. Unfortunately this means no more Neil Gaiman, given that I've rediscovered an appetite for his particular brand of fiction. Ah, woe is me.

And it seems alot of people are falling ill. An epidemic of stress-related sicknesses seem to have hit our shores. Despite my unwillingness to conform to the standard all-work-no-play model student that seems to be such a hit these days, I do feel sick myself. Actually I just wanna fabricate my story in advance, for when I wake up late tomorrow morning and get owned by my dad.

Somehow it has been so deeply ingrained, the notion that we need to obtain this piece of paper for us to be a success. Our education system works us like slaves and we willingly go through such hellish treatment in the pursuit of a Degree. It's like the magik word, you need it to succeed in life, to get a job, to live happily ever after. And failing to achieve it we are branded losers. It's been branded onto our minds, that we have to pass every test, or we are inferior beings. I just think it's idiotic how we are made to strive so hard to study things so irrelevant to our lives. I am increasingly finding it pointless, even as I make further effort to actually study.

I tried to dota just now. But the host kept kicking me cause I denied him like mad in the previous game. Freak la. I can't even enjoy life when I want to. And I'm starving like one dog. It's 2.35 am and I have no intention of making myself something to eat. I'll pilfer something from somewhere. Well don't have much else to say. Dota time.

This Is Finally Happening.

This is supposedly typical of pre-june me. Skipping school, staying at home and playing dota. Unfortunately, it's after june and here I am. It appears old habits do die hard. I realized that (other than the 2 previous posts) my recent posts all seem rather contrived. Like it's someone else on the keyboard. I don't know why, maybe it was me trying to appear like someone I'm not. And so I've decided, never again. If I'm going to blog, I'm gonna do it on my own terms. I'll disregard whoever is reading it. While aware that there might be someone out there reading it i.e no deepest darkest secrets and the like, I shall in no way attempt to address that someone. I will blog what I want, how I want it. If someone wishes to pass judgement on me, so be it. And I realize that a tagboard is somewhat at odds with that, so I'm done with it.

Yesterday was an odd day. I was all out of sorts, right from the get go. It seemed like I slept with my head in the clouds, thunderclouds. I woke up feeling pissed off, which is sort of retarded. I believe I was actually frowning upon waking up. That frown was sustained all the way till I reached school. I don't know what it takes for someone to frown for an hour.

So yeah, an unusual start to an unusual day. My behaviour was odd, like someone was assuming my skin. Ate away my memories, my experiences, and wearing my skin for a lark. (Troll Bridge, Neil Gaiman) And well I couldn't listen in class, I kept thinking that studying is so pointless, which it is, but that's a pointless thought itself. Anyway, yesterday I wasn't really myself. Being very uncharacteristic.

Yesterday I was entertaining thoughts on how and why I'm single. The why. My textbook, smooth answer to people who ask is, I don't want to be distracted. But honestly, that's flimsy. It's not like I'm studying in my spare time. Or doing anything worthwhile. Being single is not a predicament, it's a choice. One that I made while I was oh so mature at sec 1. My reasons then was studying. (Not that I did, not at all) But it's a choice I've stuck with since then. There have been times I have doubted that choice. There will be more. And the reason I give is the same, with the minor problem that it's not true anymore. It's evasion. Sometimes now, I think it's fear. Plain, ignoble cowardice. Fear of confronting my own feelings, perhaps. Fear of rejection, perhaps. The (maybe) baseless fear of being wrong, and humiliated. Fear of being shamed. That's just lowly. The inability to confront your fears. To face up to them and say, no, I will not live in the shadow of my fears.

Somewhere along the way, I thought myself so very noble. That I would by no means exploit the vulnerabilities of someone who was feeling down and out. That I wouldn't take advantage of the fact that she was looking for someone to lean on. I was so chivalrous. I was no worm, sidling up to her side, worming my way into her affection. But maybe it was just my fear throwing up excuses. Glib excuses my brain would accept.

Somewhere along the way I felt superior. That maybe hey, I'm a better man than you because I refuse to succumb to temptation. That you know, I am stronger willed. Where's the will in running away? But I felt oh so superior. I did not give in to the innate desire for intimacy. Stupid, stupid. I console myself, that no, I'm waiting for the One. Only the One will suffice. Of course, ideally that would be the case. But that's pretty naive, and even to my ears not a convincing enough reason.

Anyway that's about all I've got to say. To admit to myself that I don't dare. To rue what could have been. To acknowledge that my actions, they're based on fear not indifference.

Apparently when your muscles are sore, it's cause of micro tears or something. Caused by a lack of use. I am feeling terribly lousy, despite only a bit of touch rugby yesterday. But I'll be making my way down to training in a while. My legs are like cement laden, been ages since the last time they were worked. But I hope I'll finally be able to tackle someone again. Or burn them. It's been a while.

I have been quite snippy recently. Sudden spikes of annoyance and irritation, happening alot lately. Actually, maybe I've always been like that, just that it's only now that I realize it. Alot of it is directed at my dad. I really don't know why. There's just something in the way he says things that gets my hackles up. Like his version of caring is one that rubs me up the wrong way. It doesn't make for a pretty sight. Objectively, he's not doing anything wrong. I know I'm an ass, it's just that I feel so irritated I'm convinced he's in the wrong. Every single time. I don't know how that affects him. That his son is irked by his every other sentence. It would suck to be in his shoes. But I just can't seem to help it. Telling, huh. Another incident was when I scolded my brother within 5 minutes of entering Ocean Park, while we were in HK. While I still feel it was justified, I could have potentially ruined what was mean to be a great time together. I don't know why I snapped like that. It's not right. I can't be on the verge of bad temper everytime.

Oh yeah I watched the eclipse on channel 8 just now. It's 100% covered over in china, from what I could glean. Supposedly it's only a 10% difference in brightness over here in sunny singapore. My decision to pon school was so timely, coinciding with such a significant event.

It's high time I left home. There's people to injure and people to face off, hey-hey.

On a side-note, I've decided that a blog is a sanctum for one's thoughts. Like it was originally supposed to be, a diary. You put down your thoughts in the knowledge that someone might chance upon it, and if someone asks to read that diary, you would not begrudge him it. If someone sees your bag and decides to read through your diary, you wouldn't mind. That's what a blog is, to me. And of course if you don't like what you read, that's only too bad. You read a book of the shelf and if you don't like it, that's no fault of the author now, is it?

Well time to go. ta-ta.

Movie Magik.

I can't sleep still. And while I was taking a dump just now I was thinking about movies. There's this line in some book I can't remember about that acute sense of awkwardness in the movies. The one that the narrator felt when he watched a kissing scene in a movie with a good (girl) friend of his.

I don't know why but I thought it was from the Kite Runner, which doesn't make sense cause of the nature of the central relationship the book is built on. Probably the image of watching movies in books made me think of the boys watching the westerns in the book. And now I can't figure out what book it was from. It probably followed some cliche about how after the movie the guy or the girl then takes the hand of the other person so naturally and how they live happily ever after. Together.

Stupid cliche, really. That does not happen, not for me. The awkwardness, very much true. Trying to look like you're totally engrossed in the movie. Trying not to sneak glances at her. Trying not to be noticed then you do. And the worst part is, it drags on forever. Seriously. Mouth increasingly dry. Hard swallows. No movement. For the duration of the kiss. No popcorn, no drinks. Or of course, feigned nonchalance. Lounging deeper into the chair. Languid sips of the drink. An attempt to ignore the palpable tension in the air. Weak attempt at humour during or after the kiss (at the next even slightly humorous scene). Accelerated heart rate.

Okay I was wrong, seriously the worst part was not knowing if she went through the same torture. Who knows? Maybe it's just another scene to her. You think it's both of you suffering, but maybe she didn't. That not knowing sucks. Back on track, the awkwardness I agree with. It's the aftermath that's stupid. It doesn't work that way. Real life isn't a story.

Or is it?

Life, To What End?

I was having trouble sleeping cause I was feeling troubled. I was lying down and being plagued by weird musings. Might be my skipping dinner (uncharacteristic, as is my desire to sleep at 11.30). Anyway, I wanted to sleep. Still want to actually, but not really. I rather feel like putting my thoughts down, before they all get lost in the humdrum of everyday life. Even now I can feel my train of thought slipping away, maybe forever, maybe not. The mundane things in life like switching on the comp, making sure my brother doesn't get woken up by me, putting my shirt in the laundry basket, scanning the newspaper headlines. They bury those thoughts. I don't like that, or maybe I do. I don't know.

Anyways, here goes. I've always thought that I'd be completely satisfied by a very normal life, lived out in happiness and content. Of course, in my imaginations my job would be perfect, wife loving, kids (any number up to my perfect wife) but otherwise very normal. But then, to what end? What's the point? And is that really how I'd like to live out my life? Normalcy? Or do I really want to live a life of recklessness, fearlessness, doing things spontaneously, a lifestyle so exciting, like those you can only read of? And even then, to what end? What exactly is the point? Is a fulfilling life one that you are remembered? That you are loved? That you've made a mark on the world? Entered the history books? Leaving behind something lasting for your children, and their children, and their children? Honestly, I have no idea. It's probably very much up to one's own definition. And for myself, I don't know. How would you know what you'd be happier doing? Trial and error? Try something, maybe you love it. But some things grow on you, don't they? So is a fulfilling life one that you are the happiest that you can have been, one that you've made all the right, happy choices?

I'd like to think of myself as someone who come what may, accepts a situation and is content with whatever I have. What does that say about me though? That I'm an unexciting, dull person, content with whatever scraps life throws at me? And even so, so what? Does it matter if I really am dull and whatevernot, as long as I'm happy? I don't know. And even now I can feel myself forgetting what I was thinking just now. Was this what I meant to write in the first place?

I think at myself (not to myself, there's a difference) that I would (or should) be happy with a stable life. But I also think that my life is going to turn out perfect. That's just stupid isn't it? Is it myself trying to convince myself to accept normalcy? Or is it really what I feel, the secret voice of my heart telling me what it has always known? But whichever the case, if in the end I'm a happy person, does it matter what I started of as? I don't know, is there a point whether you've in some sense "betrayed" your inner self? The apostrophes present because, how can you betray yourself if it's you telling you something for the truth? Is there no such thing as a true inner self, just one that has been shaped by the years, by experience? Does it make a difference?

What's the point of all these questions that my mind has flung at me? Is there one at all? I have no idea. Is it me trying to seek out some deeper meaning in life, some abstract mumbling designed to make me look smart, or? What's the point? Of these questions I have. Of life? Is there one? You know, charity work and the likes, helping people around you, helping people you don't know, striving for (insert ideal), all this, what's the point? Alright, staring at the screen does not promote philosophical musings, so I'll try my darnedest to be at least a little coherent. Yes, you make an impact on those the vagaries of fate have left in the lurch. You make their lives that much better, permanently or temporarily, depending on what you do for them. Which begs the question, so? Does that really fulfill you? Or are you conditioned to feel fulfillment upon doing good? And again, so? So what if it's the propagation of the notion that "do good=feel good" that makes you feel good? At the end of it all, you do feel good right? Isn't that the end game? Or not? Does it matter if the good we're feeling is all based on what society dictates to us should make us feel good? Is it not good, even so? It's like being scammed into being happy, why should you refuse, if at the end of it all you're still happy, right? Or no? Up to you, I'm not ready to answer these questions to myself just yet.

I'm not sure, am I trying to drive home some point here? That you know, maybe there is no point to life. That we could just get it over and done with, in the hope of either an eternal, enjoyable afterlife, or just plain simple nothingness? I firmly place my faith in the former, let there be no doubt. I know it to be true. These sentences in no way indicates my waning desire for life, to live life. Does it matter if there's no point to life? Since we have it, we might as well enjoy it. It's like watching a horror movie, does it matter that it's pointless? No, you don't just close your eyes and hope for it to end soon (I'm speaking generally, some people probably do), you watch it and enjoy it (inasmuch as that's possible) regardless of what is achieved, no? I intend to lead a happy life, however long it's meant to be (what kind of life I don't know yet, reckless/dull, whatever, maybe I have no say in it whatsoever, does it matter?).

Which springs this, what of destiny? The belief in destiny. If you believe in it, does that then mean that whatever choice you make in whatever thing, does not make a difference at all? Since everything is predestined. Does that mean that there's a choice that calls out to you everytime you have to make one, that is the "right" one? That if you don't heed it, you are then no longer bound by destiny? Or does everyone have an infinity of destinies? Does that not then destroy the very meaning of the word? And those who don't believe, are not their lives then ruled by no higher order, but chaos? Are you comfortable with that? That your life is subject to all sorts of randomness, which by it's very nature has no rules, no regard for who you are? Doesn't that make you feel insignificant? Do you feel safe in the knowledge that you are governed by chance? That by it's capricious nature, there could be nothing but destruction in your life? No benign entity to limit and reverse the damage?

I feel that you know, those die-hard atheists, well, they're probably not very happy people. Maybe their firm belief in no gods, no deities, "empowers" them to seek temporal pleasure with relish. If there's no afterlife, it doesn't matter does it? Doing good, doing bad. No difference, as long as I myself am happy. I think that's sad. You submit yourself to the belief that you're nothing but a reaction that produced different results (the big bang, if you will), that there's nothing unique about us, that there could be an infinity of other peopled planets out there. How can you feel nothing but insignificant? The super logical say, yes, that's the truth. We are in fact insignificant. For what are we but a bunch of atoms floating around in our vast universe? Signifcantly different from the rocks, maybe, but there could be a plethora of other us-es out there. We're nothing, a speck of dust in the grand scheme of things. I'd feel worthless, if I thought that. And what would I do? Derive the greatest pleasure in the quickest time, for as long as I can fully experience that satisfaction, contentment, happiness, whatever. The life of someone who doesn't give a damn. Which sucks, for the people around him, for how can you live with someone who honestly doesn't give two hoots?

I'm not sure why these comments have crept in. It's nowhere near what I was originally thinking. Anyway, I do believe in destiny, whatever that entails. I am not normally given to such musings on how it functions and whether it makes sense, so I'm normally quite the happy idiot.

Anyway, I don't know who reads this and I don't care. I'm not sure why but it's just something I had the urge to write down, so that it does not get lost in the sands of time. How much time in a day do you have to think. Really think? It sometimes occurs to me that I could live life without thinking, not much. How long has it been since you've really, really thought about something that matters? Or something that doesn't, it doesn't matter.

I don't include exams and tests and other such stuff, cause I do honestly feel it's all futile. Does anyone care about what they learn? Only what they score for it, most of the time. And right at this moment, it all seems so useless. But truth is, tomorrow I'm going to school, and going to learn what ten thousand other kids are learning, in an effort to beat them. That's what education is all about, in the end. And whatever I feel about it, I'm still going to try my best for the As, cause this system is so all-encompassing. You just can't beat it. A disgruntled cog maybe, but still one of millions in a well-oiled system. Which brooks no failures.

Digression, again. Not really, cause it's real sentiments, which is what blogs are all about, or what they should be about. It pleases me to write down what I think. If it pleases you to read it, you're welcome, it's been a pleasure. If it doesn't, well, I'm sorry for you that you had to trawl through hundreds of words. I'm not sorry, it's your fault for reading, not mine for writing. If what I've said connects somehow, I very much hope you have at least an inkling of your own answers to those questions. Cause I don't, and it bothers me. It bothers me that I have no idea. But I'm not going to spend the rest of my life pondering over this post, cause that's plain stupid. Does it matter that I have no idea?

Enough with the questions, I'm beginning to doubt myself and my coherence. My questions might not even make sense at all. I don't know. On a sidenote, writing everything down does not seem to appease my mind. I'm still feeling plagued by a sense of troubledness, except that there are no specific thoughts which are causing it. Just this general sense of being troubled. Wts.

Oh I've also noticed how many "I don't know"s and the like all over. Does this not point to the wonders of the mysteries of life? It also occurs to me that some of my thoughts at the beginning are quite disconnected. I apologize.

Many Funerals.

The Tears Shed Into Pillows Deep Into The Night

As a child we were told horror stories, really nasty terrible stories of what'd happen if we did bad things. The dam would break and all the sorrows of the real world would wash over us.

But it was not our fault. That the dam finally broke from the crush of all the tears shed into pillows deep into the night. The dam-makers, they did not predict the sheer volume of grief in the real world. 10 feet thick, they built, 10 feet of solid wall against the despair the real world conjured up on a nightly basis. But it cracked, it shattered.

What is this, you ask. Who are we. We are who we are, the people of the tears shed into pillows deep into the night. Collecting every tear shed by weeping bawling mourning people crying themselves to sleep. By long, long tubes underneath the pillows of the people of the real world.

A lot of tubes, really. And a lot more tears then you'd expect, from people you don't expect. All pooling into our world. My world. And as a child gazing into all those tears, I think "What a sad, sad world."

And as I am now, awash in tears, each tear a story unto itself. The anguish of a newly orphaned boy. The bereavement of a widow. The heartbreak of a sweet lass just turned 16. The lament of a grieving father. The despair. The agony.

And still, still, they come trickling down.





I read this paragraph once of this reservoir of tears. It was very good (my story hardly does it justice). Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close the title of the book. Anyways I've been re-reading Robert Jordan lately, just borrowed the 11th one. Been such that I've not had time to blog at all, what with studying (which interestingly does not take up that much of my time) going out, reading, watching my TV series (Bones, House) and general merry-making. Not that I've had the urge to blog. I think there's something about an audience. I'm not an audience person. How can a blog be an accurate chronicle of ones life if it is subject to scrutiny from one's peers? Inadvertently you'd leave something out, scathing remarks of your friends, your DDS (deepest darkest secrets) et cetera. Or maybe it's just a place for funny anecdotes and quirky information about the person trying to convince you he's unique.

Does it matter, really? Neil Gaiman. He is the master, man. A master storyteller the likes of which the world has not seen in the past 5000 years. After the joys of the Graveyard Book and American Gods, I stumbled upon a collection of short stories in the form of Fragile Things on one of my routine visits to WM library. Whimsical, bizzare, fantastical stories, sometimes even all at once. I haven't read Stardust, which I also haven't watched because I thought the female lead wasn't pretty :/

Got some of the results back. Not pretty. Consolation in the form of an A for GP, entirely unexpected. That's too mild a word. Shock might be better. But yes, miracles do happen and we move on. Moving on to failed chemistry, almost definitely failed physics, haven't-gotten-back-yet-but-could-have-been-better-maths. That about wraps up the common test. Big despondent sigh. HAIIIIIIIIIYA. Wonder what it'll take to motivate me.

Oh yeah, I recall watching a few movies lately. Drag Me To Hell definitely takes top spot. Intense. That's the show in a nutshell. Intensely funny (goat capering around haha) and intensely intense. I've never been so stressed in the theatres before. I'm putting my manhood on the line and stating that I was squirming through half the movie. Red Cliff at long last, albeit only on the little tiny screen on the plane. Watchmen, also on the plane. I intend to watch Duplicity, apparently it has good dialogue which is totally my thang. Public Enemies I confirm plus chop must watch, as soon as it comes out. Simply put, it's Johnny Depp. Then there's Christian Bale. My word. In terms of acting chops it's like putting chicken chop pork chop and lamb chop together.

Oh right, not 30 minutes past, I did my part for charity in the form of $10 in cookies. I do hope I'm not going to be scammed/ripped-off TOO badly. Never struck myself as being charitable.

I'm going to dota now.

"In bed that night I invented a special drain that would be underneath every pillow in New York and would connect to the reservoir. Whenever people cried themselves to sleep, the tears would all go into the same place, and in the morning the weatherman could report if the water level of the Reservoir of Tears had gone up or down, and you could know if New York was in heavy boots. And when something really terrible happened - like a nuclear bomb, or at least a biological weapons attack - an extremely loud siren would go off, telling everyone to get to Central Park to put sandbags around the reservoir."

-Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, Jonathan Safran Foer

Hope For The Hopeless.

Hmm, A Fine Frenzy is pretty nice. I have no idea how popular she is or whatever, but she is pretty good to listen to. I thought it was sort of like Eisley, which made me rediscover Eisley which is in my opinion seriously totally amazing. They're unearthly. But in all honesty, there's a world of difference between Eisley and A Fine Frenzy, not alike at all.

Anyway I was onto A Fine Frenzy cause all of a sudden I see 2 people on MSN with "The Sweetest Sadness In Your Eyes" as their nick/ personal messages. And when you see 2 people putting something like that, your curiosity is naturally piqued. So I googled it and came up with Almost Lover. Good stuff.

And this Almost Lover, the mythical entity which plagues men and women alike. Which keeps grown men awake at night the way no other creature of the night can. Who leaves you wondering about the unfulfilled potential. Coulda woulda shoulda.

Huh. I spent my last 3 hours listening to music. Wtshit. I was feeling very resolute yesterday when I decided, no more late nights and no computer before 10pm everyday. And it's 7am now. I've been using the comp since the midnight. Shit. It appears my resolution has crumbled after all of 0 days. I didn't even manage to carry it out once befoer failing so miserably and spectacularly. Well. At least I did study yesterday. And I plan to do so again today. One up for the forces of good.

Don't know if I should sleep at all. Gonna watch my bones, then decide. Morning, all.

Dangerzone.

I can finally type. Relief floods through me as I relish typing every letter. The past few weeks or months have been horrible, without a working keyboard. Nobody who hasn't had 5 buttons spoilt can understand the remarkable sense of relief I am experiencing now. So now I'm back with a vengeance.

Anyways, the culmination of 1 whole year of training was the loss to PJ in the plates. The dreams and hopes of a bunch of would-be-heroes were left behind on that pitch. And we'll never have that chance again. We might, in the aftermath, laugh and make cruel jokes, blame one other entirely for the loss, but the fact remains that never again will we have the opportunity to make our names, make our mark on history. Is it not a fundamental desire of Man to leave behind something of ourselves, to be remembered? No matter how insignificant it might be, to be regarded as winners, champions. Well, we're not.

I recall the whistle being blown, and my not feeling anything, like I couldn't grasp the fact that we lost. I've never felt sad about the loss. A sense of mounting disbelief and a whole lot of frustration. It seems so illogical, no? To have been dominating and leading, then to lose it all? It does not make sense, yes?

And to top it all off, today morning we had to receive our medals for losing. Gee. Well no matter, it's all water under the bridge now.

Now what is of greater import is studying. I promised my mom to study after season, and I shall, hopefully. The June holidays are the last holidays we're gonna have for a long time, and I intend to maximise it. Chemistry is a subject from the very pits of DOOM. I fear I'll never be able to catch up cause it really is a bore studying it. On a bright note, I have just passed my first test in maybe 3 months. That is just the sort of result which fires my passion for studying up, fueling my desire for As in every subject. Not. To my shame, I'm still much more likely to dota than study. In fact, I'm more likely to give birth than to study. Oh boy.

Sometimes you have to wonder how much you mean to someone else. Yes? Would that person welcome an intrusion into his/her life again? Would that person appreciate an attempt to re-establish contact, to regain that which was, presumably, so dear to both of us? That precious friendship? I wish I knew. It wouldn't take much to make that littlest of attempts, but it seems my actions are ruled by fear.

Watch out, you're entering the dangerzone. We might, start something that's emotional.

That's the thought I had in the not so distant past, an eternity ago. It seems sort of foolish, yet it's only natural, a fear of the unknown, is it not? But now when I'm desperately scrabbling for something even vaguely resembling what we had, it seems the height of foolishness. Well. I guess that's that.

To that which was lost. And to the hope that it can be recovered.
Goodnight. (:

And On The Third Day.

He rose and conquered the grave. And now death has no sting, and we have life eternal. This is the weekend in celebration of our Lord's victory 2000 years ago, happy Easter. I was just wondering, how could it have felt to be there, between His death and His resurrection, on that saturday 2000 years ago? Lost, probably, sheep without their shepherd. Hopeless, crushed. And then, to exclamations of wonderment and awe, on the third day hope was restored. And that's what His sacrifice has given us, we'll never be without our divine shepherd, hope springs forth eternal, and we're forever under the shadow of His wings. There will we dwell forevermore, in His protection, favor and grace.

There is no shame in being Christian and devoted to the Lord. Peter "The Rock" Simon denied Jesus 3 times, but we none of us shall, for we are in the world but not of the world, and nothing the world says can affect our love for Him, nor His for us.

Indeed, I'm finally updating my blog. I haven't really wanted to, cause I'm not sure what I'm supposed to blog about. What's my blog for? Is it to satisfy the natural exhibitionist instincts of our species? To present a carefully constructed persona to it's viewers, and let them arrive at the conclusions I want them to about my character? To update my friends of my everyday going-ons? As a place where I can express my heartfelt feelings on everything and anything that's going on in my life? Or? And I realise that I have no idea. And thus it is difficult to ascertain what exactly to blog about.

Well I'm not exactly interested in divulging the mundane details of the humdrum, the hustle and bustle of everyday life. I doubt anyone blogs their innermost thoughts, who would? Who'd bare their souls on the Internet? I dunno, but doesn't that sort of defeat the purpose of blogging, where one is supposed to have freedom of expression like never before? I guess, yeah.

After all that rambling, I think I shall blog whatever I wish to blog about at whichever point in time I decide to. It works as a semi-useful diary of sorts, where I recount any momentous events I deem fit to post about, it works to let off steam or to bitch about the world in general.

Alright, Good friday was good and not good. Celebrated liyan's birthday, met up with the Gang (or at least those who are still in singapore) and lost money. I had 50 bucks when I went out in the morning, I returned home with $2.80. That is a terrible state of affairs, disastrous. Well the Tea Party was awesome, scones and pizza and franks and chunky chicken bits, and that spiced milk. And Taboo, of course. And multi-shots. I didn't mean to abandon kidman, annabel and amanda but well, it's been a long time since the last gang meetup.

Training the past 2 days could not have occured under more different cirumstances. Friday it was raining crazily and it was damn cold while listening to the tutorial by coach. In marked contrast, today the sun tried to make up for its failures on friday and beat down without respite. The heat was bloody oppressive, especially after coming out of air-con. After going to the library, I stepped out of west mall and just started burning up. This sweltering heat and the rain preceding it on friday, can only be the products of global warming. What a pain in the ass.

I borrowed a book from the library cause I left the book I was reading in tong's bag (the failings of having the same bag.) Well at least it wasn't lost, which I thought it was. The library scams those unfortunate souls who lose books, we have to pay both the cost of the book and some fictional admin fee, I say it's all just an elaborate set-up to cheat our money. I'm bitter cause I had to pay $40 dollars in fines not too long ago. Frauds. Anyway I borrowed the White Woman which is supposed to be a classic I think, but I remember borrowing it twice before and falling asleep every single time I started on it. But I have faith that I'm far more determined and strong-willed than the 2 previous times. If only I didn't have another 3 books to complete, I just might. I hope I remember correctly that renewing the loan of books is now free. I don't wanna rack up debts to those swindlers so soon after clearing it.

I want to win. I want to win badly. I want to see all our efforts come to fruition at last. The culmination of a year and more of training. There is nothing else in which I have put in as much effort as this, not studies, not badminton, nothing. And if God is for us, who can be against us?

Well, dota time :D