Life, To What End?

I was having trouble sleeping cause I was feeling troubled. I was lying down and being plagued by weird musings. Might be my skipping dinner (uncharacteristic, as is my desire to sleep at 11.30). Anyway, I wanted to sleep. Still want to actually, but not really. I rather feel like putting my thoughts down, before they all get lost in the humdrum of everyday life. Even now I can feel my train of thought slipping away, maybe forever, maybe not. The mundane things in life like switching on the comp, making sure my brother doesn't get woken up by me, putting my shirt in the laundry basket, scanning the newspaper headlines. They bury those thoughts. I don't like that, or maybe I do. I don't know.

Anyways, here goes. I've always thought that I'd be completely satisfied by a very normal life, lived out in happiness and content. Of course, in my imaginations my job would be perfect, wife loving, kids (any number up to my perfect wife) but otherwise very normal. But then, to what end? What's the point? And is that really how I'd like to live out my life? Normalcy? Or do I really want to live a life of recklessness, fearlessness, doing things spontaneously, a lifestyle so exciting, like those you can only read of? And even then, to what end? What exactly is the point? Is a fulfilling life one that you are remembered? That you are loved? That you've made a mark on the world? Entered the history books? Leaving behind something lasting for your children, and their children, and their children? Honestly, I have no idea. It's probably very much up to one's own definition. And for myself, I don't know. How would you know what you'd be happier doing? Trial and error? Try something, maybe you love it. But some things grow on you, don't they? So is a fulfilling life one that you are the happiest that you can have been, one that you've made all the right, happy choices?

I'd like to think of myself as someone who come what may, accepts a situation and is content with whatever I have. What does that say about me though? That I'm an unexciting, dull person, content with whatever scraps life throws at me? And even so, so what? Does it matter if I really am dull and whatevernot, as long as I'm happy? I don't know. And even now I can feel myself forgetting what I was thinking just now. Was this what I meant to write in the first place?

I think at myself (not to myself, there's a difference) that I would (or should) be happy with a stable life. But I also think that my life is going to turn out perfect. That's just stupid isn't it? Is it myself trying to convince myself to accept normalcy? Or is it really what I feel, the secret voice of my heart telling me what it has always known? But whichever the case, if in the end I'm a happy person, does it matter what I started of as? I don't know, is there a point whether you've in some sense "betrayed" your inner self? The apostrophes present because, how can you betray yourself if it's you telling you something for the truth? Is there no such thing as a true inner self, just one that has been shaped by the years, by experience? Does it make a difference?

What's the point of all these questions that my mind has flung at me? Is there one at all? I have no idea. Is it me trying to seek out some deeper meaning in life, some abstract mumbling designed to make me look smart, or? What's the point? Of these questions I have. Of life? Is there one? You know, charity work and the likes, helping people around you, helping people you don't know, striving for (insert ideal), all this, what's the point? Alright, staring at the screen does not promote philosophical musings, so I'll try my darnedest to be at least a little coherent. Yes, you make an impact on those the vagaries of fate have left in the lurch. You make their lives that much better, permanently or temporarily, depending on what you do for them. Which begs the question, so? Does that really fulfill you? Or are you conditioned to feel fulfillment upon doing good? And again, so? So what if it's the propagation of the notion that "do good=feel good" that makes you feel good? At the end of it all, you do feel good right? Isn't that the end game? Or not? Does it matter if the good we're feeling is all based on what society dictates to us should make us feel good? Is it not good, even so? It's like being scammed into being happy, why should you refuse, if at the end of it all you're still happy, right? Or no? Up to you, I'm not ready to answer these questions to myself just yet.

I'm not sure, am I trying to drive home some point here? That you know, maybe there is no point to life. That we could just get it over and done with, in the hope of either an eternal, enjoyable afterlife, or just plain simple nothingness? I firmly place my faith in the former, let there be no doubt. I know it to be true. These sentences in no way indicates my waning desire for life, to live life. Does it matter if there's no point to life? Since we have it, we might as well enjoy it. It's like watching a horror movie, does it matter that it's pointless? No, you don't just close your eyes and hope for it to end soon (I'm speaking generally, some people probably do), you watch it and enjoy it (inasmuch as that's possible) regardless of what is achieved, no? I intend to lead a happy life, however long it's meant to be (what kind of life I don't know yet, reckless/dull, whatever, maybe I have no say in it whatsoever, does it matter?).

Which springs this, what of destiny? The belief in destiny. If you believe in it, does that then mean that whatever choice you make in whatever thing, does not make a difference at all? Since everything is predestined. Does that mean that there's a choice that calls out to you everytime you have to make one, that is the "right" one? That if you don't heed it, you are then no longer bound by destiny? Or does everyone have an infinity of destinies? Does that not then destroy the very meaning of the word? And those who don't believe, are not their lives then ruled by no higher order, but chaos? Are you comfortable with that? That your life is subject to all sorts of randomness, which by it's very nature has no rules, no regard for who you are? Doesn't that make you feel insignificant? Do you feel safe in the knowledge that you are governed by chance? That by it's capricious nature, there could be nothing but destruction in your life? No benign entity to limit and reverse the damage?

I feel that you know, those die-hard atheists, well, they're probably not very happy people. Maybe their firm belief in no gods, no deities, "empowers" them to seek temporal pleasure with relish. If there's no afterlife, it doesn't matter does it? Doing good, doing bad. No difference, as long as I myself am happy. I think that's sad. You submit yourself to the belief that you're nothing but a reaction that produced different results (the big bang, if you will), that there's nothing unique about us, that there could be an infinity of other peopled planets out there. How can you feel nothing but insignificant? The super logical say, yes, that's the truth. We are in fact insignificant. For what are we but a bunch of atoms floating around in our vast universe? Signifcantly different from the rocks, maybe, but there could be a plethora of other us-es out there. We're nothing, a speck of dust in the grand scheme of things. I'd feel worthless, if I thought that. And what would I do? Derive the greatest pleasure in the quickest time, for as long as I can fully experience that satisfaction, contentment, happiness, whatever. The life of someone who doesn't give a damn. Which sucks, for the people around him, for how can you live with someone who honestly doesn't give two hoots?

I'm not sure why these comments have crept in. It's nowhere near what I was originally thinking. Anyway, I do believe in destiny, whatever that entails. I am not normally given to such musings on how it functions and whether it makes sense, so I'm normally quite the happy idiot.

Anyway, I don't know who reads this and I don't care. I'm not sure why but it's just something I had the urge to write down, so that it does not get lost in the sands of time. How much time in a day do you have to think. Really think? It sometimes occurs to me that I could live life without thinking, not much. How long has it been since you've really, really thought about something that matters? Or something that doesn't, it doesn't matter.

I don't include exams and tests and other such stuff, cause I do honestly feel it's all futile. Does anyone care about what they learn? Only what they score for it, most of the time. And right at this moment, it all seems so useless. But truth is, tomorrow I'm going to school, and going to learn what ten thousand other kids are learning, in an effort to beat them. That's what education is all about, in the end. And whatever I feel about it, I'm still going to try my best for the As, cause this system is so all-encompassing. You just can't beat it. A disgruntled cog maybe, but still one of millions in a well-oiled system. Which brooks no failures.

Digression, again. Not really, cause it's real sentiments, which is what blogs are all about, or what they should be about. It pleases me to write down what I think. If it pleases you to read it, you're welcome, it's been a pleasure. If it doesn't, well, I'm sorry for you that you had to trawl through hundreds of words. I'm not sorry, it's your fault for reading, not mine for writing. If what I've said connects somehow, I very much hope you have at least an inkling of your own answers to those questions. Cause I don't, and it bothers me. It bothers me that I have no idea. But I'm not going to spend the rest of my life pondering over this post, cause that's plain stupid. Does it matter that I have no idea?

Enough with the questions, I'm beginning to doubt myself and my coherence. My questions might not even make sense at all. I don't know. On a sidenote, writing everything down does not seem to appease my mind. I'm still feeling plagued by a sense of troubledness, except that there are no specific thoughts which are causing it. Just this general sense of being troubled. Wts.

Oh I've also noticed how many "I don't know"s and the like all over. Does this not point to the wonders of the mysteries of life? It also occurs to me that some of my thoughts at the beginning are quite disconnected. I apologize.