What a mad week it's been! And I mean mad in the dullest, most mind-numbing sense possible. Haven't been home since early Monday morn and probably won't till Friday eve. Sir Worksalot. Things wouldn't be so tragic if I weren't running out of socks... Just kidding! I've already run out of socks. 3 days in a row think my toes are gonna be dropping off real soon.
So thing's have been a little ridiculous at work lately, but not without its little bright spots too. Managed to have a number of meaningful conversations with people at work, even with colleagues I've known for close to 5 years now, and learnt a surprisingly lot in the process. Slogging away somewhat in tandem with your batchboys till midnight each day does bring its fair share of good times too, despite my having to go home to a layer of dust on my bed come Friday sigh.
All I really wanted to say was 放马过来! Gonna cling on to God's love and peace and joy and rest and not let myself be troubled by the insanity of work and the workplace. Now let me get what rest I can so good night fellas.
Thursday 29 January 2015
Tuesday 27 January 2015
Let The World Spin Madly On.
I've just been inspired to embark on my end-of-year post, a mere 2 (or 3 or 4 this post is taking ages to write actually) weeks after it did, indeed, end. I've been meaning to do it all this while but things kinda took a turn for the busy at the close of 2014 - happily so. Guess it's a good thing I held off on this cause the beginnings of this year have been nothing short of amazing, and offers a sort of vantage point from which 2014 can better be viewed in retrospect.
So, 2014. SSDD, as the cynics are wont to say? Definitely not! A couple of milestones arrived at and departed from - some momentous; some strangely anti-climactic and thus deflating to some extent. Yet more ticks on some hypothetical bucket list, which presumably shall allay some sort of quarter-life crisis perhaps, or at the very least much of the regret we all seem destined to bear as we approach middle age. Meh. Not sure how much these chest-beating facebook-conscious like-seeking checklists are gonna help just because "I visited 10 of these 15 places to see before you're 25!" So yes, I visited some incredible places and had some amazing experiences, but no, that's not why I'd say 2014 was on balance a good year. Not entirely.
Well. Came back home excited at the prospect of resuming a life that seemed in many respects like it'd been on hold, although it's hard to say when exactly that actually happened. Sometime between the heady days of our A levels - the sensation of being young, truly young that no one can fully identify with till it's gone - and the peculiar reality of enlistment, of endless confinements, perhaps. When life abruptly and jarringly began to be nothing more than an endless cycle of work and sleep and living for the weekends, and everything began to seem so completely pointless. Being displaced a continent and thousands of miles away didn't seem to change a thing, except to exacerbate the isolation and the fear of never quite being able to fit in. So it was that I returned fully expectant that finally, finally I could pick up the pieces of what remained and slowly begin to build on what I had.
I couldn't. Much as I enjoy and find meaning in what I do for a living, I couldn't shake the feeling that this, even this, meant nothing at all. Home at last to a decent job I actually like! How many people can say that? But no, it all felt as pointless as ever - I'd end work after a long day and think: What now? Not one of those trivial where-to-have-dinners or should-I-eat-alone-tonights but an existential question mark hanging like a cloud over every day and every week.
I began to think: all I need is someone to do all this for. Someone for whom I'd be excited to end work, someone who'd be there through the long days and the longer nights. It's a classic narrative after all, and I began to buy into it. All this led to, though, was a deeper sense of disappointment and regret, of late disquieting nights spent ruing the half chances and the missed opportunities and all those other silent ships in the dead of night. Just a couple of months away and still struggling with some of these thoughts, but I can say quite assuredly that no, this was not (and is not) the answer. It would have been an answer of sorts, for sure, but a weak one which would more than likely have collapsed on me in the end, precipitating some sorta crazy downward spiral or something. Der Untergang level at least.
Hmmm, okay. "This post will first set out the various crises a 22-year old male faced in the year 2014, before proceeding to inspect the solution(s) and will finally conclude with some thoughts on the coming year, 2015." Smooth.
There is much to be said about the availability (physical, emotional, even spiritual) of friends and family. Too much, in fact, that it should rightly constitute another post altogether if I'm ever feeling contemplative and thankful again (which I really should.) What I'll put down here is a mere (but no less superlative) thank you. It's pretty scary to realize how miserable life would've been without all these people; it's pretty easy to imagine how bad things would've turned out.
As indispensable as family and friends have been (to be filed under emotional support, direct or indirect, whether intentional or unintentional), the crux of my year was something else altogether (though not quite, everything builds upon everything else) - and it was God. It is God. An answer both exceedingly simple and excruciatingly complex; a path both joyful and painful to walk on.
If 2013 for me could be characterized by desire, of re-learning what it meant to want to want again, then perhaps my 2014 was about trust. About trusting God with my desires, my fears, my plans. With the past, the present, the ever-looming future. The past is a dark area without Him, the present a dangerous place to inhabit, and the future scary in the extreme.
I learnt so much about trust; I had to. Through disappointment, trying circumstances, failures, breakdowns. Through all the self-reproach, crippling self-awareness, attempts (conscious or subconscious?) at self-destruction. And all the natural highs too.
Solo travel to ever more exotic locales, and the accompanying sense of independence and self-sufficiency. Lesson: complete independence is not complete freedom; it is a prison unto itself. You don't claw your way back from independence. Not by yourself, you don't. Self-sufficiency feels good for a while, it's empowering, and then you think: what am I empowered for? For myself, and myself only. An unsatisfactory state of affairs to say the least.
Survival of uni and subsequent graduation, one more paper qualification to brandish, another chance to flex the ego, but it begged the eventual question: so what? Of course, as existential/quarter/mid-life crises questions go this is one of the most ubiquitous, repeated ad nauseam, but its worth asking nonetheless. Especially upon graduation, the end of the yellow brick road, launchpad to (reportedly) inevitable success, pinnacle of a Singaporean Student's existence. The paper chase is (possibly) over; the rat race can now rightly be begun in earnest! But so what, so what, so what. It's kinda heavy stuff if you let it get to you - which it did, of course.
So here they were, among others, elements of the good life as the world says they should be - and it all seemed to add up to nothing. All that accomplishment and achievement and it was all just as futile and pointless as the dark days, the dog days. Worse, even. At least in the darkness you want to work towards the light; when you're lost and wandering you harbour hope of being found. When I arrived at the human conception of "success" I found that beyond the peak lay nothing. I remember taking the train out of Exeter, graduation certificate in hand, shape of the mortarboard still impressed upon my hair, and sure it felt good, but it's the overwhelming sense of emptiness I felt on that train which left its imprint on me. What next? Back to Singapore, back to work, back to family and friends. But what next?
Well. Thank God for God. 2014 ended up with me poised on the brink of something big and scary and exciting all the same time. Thank God for empowering leaders - and the insane faith that God has in me too, despite all the times I've messed up, all my failures as a "leader", all the times I've managed to stray from the path. Amazing grace. Unearned, unmerited, undeserved.
The opportunity to co-lead a group during the young adults' retreat was such a ridiculous, miraculous one - one that I really can't help but thank God for. It was pretty scary, and I had to learn necessary lessons in trust, in submission, in humility before and even during the retreat. The fear of failure, of rejection, feelings of inadequacy, unpreparedness, etc. It meant that I had to step out. Step up. Grow up.
And I reaaaaaaallly didn't want to have to. At some level I was pretty happy with the status quo, with staying in the background, with weekends binge watching movies and TV shows, playing dota, being careless and callous. Why would I want to take up responsibility, take on pressure? Except that I knew I had to, too. So God places me here (where I'd never thought I'd be) and it turns out to be the right place at the right time, and maybe I'm not quite the right person - but God will mould me to be just that. I have to learn how to let God work through my insecurities, and stop allowing myself to use them as excuses to not do what He's called me to do.
So I've managed to learn so much about community, what it means to love and be loved, about joy and peace and rest, and perhaps even had glimpses into servanthood and leadership. All in the past 2 or 3 months. Sacrifice, too. About what it means to put the Kingdom of God before the other things in life - a painful lesson; a precious one. One I'm still learning everyday. Really crucial lessons at this juncture in my life, a season for growth, of learning what it truly means to be a man of God. To be a disciple of Jesus.
You know what people say: Growing up sucks. And part of me still believes that, still wants to cling on to youth - nay, immaturity. Still wants to be beholden only to myself and to myself alone. Duty-free, obligation-less. The easy life. But by no means the good life. I think I've learnt enough over the past few weeks and months to say with conviction that no, I shall not again choose the easy life. Not at the expense of the life God wants me to have.
And maybe this path will alienate some people. I've always taken a measure of pride in being pretty savvy, pretty worldly. A man of the world, if you will. I thought that was not too shabby. Maybe one of the reasons I've found it so difficult to go all out for God is that I always kinda think: I'm not half bad myself, right? Maybe so and maybe no, but even that's not enough. Not anymore. And so maybe this will seem completely weird and strange to people, but I guess a line's gotta be drawn somewhere, and this is it. This is where I lay everything down and say "Father God, all that I have, all that I am, I give to You. Take me as I am. Use me as You will. No holding back. Let's go!"
So let the world spin madly on. I will be still and know that You are God. Days shall pass, seasons will change. Years go by, life goes on. And through it all I know that You will be with me, that You love me so. So let me run, run!
So, 2014. SSDD, as the cynics are wont to say? Definitely not! A couple of milestones arrived at and departed from - some momentous; some strangely anti-climactic and thus deflating to some extent. Yet more ticks on some hypothetical bucket list, which presumably shall allay some sort of quarter-life crisis perhaps, or at the very least much of the regret we all seem destined to bear as we approach middle age. Meh. Not sure how much these chest-beating facebook-conscious like-seeking checklists are gonna help just because "I visited 10 of these 15 places to see before you're 25!" So yes, I visited some incredible places and had some amazing experiences, but no, that's not why I'd say 2014 was on balance a good year. Not entirely.
Well. Came back home excited at the prospect of resuming a life that seemed in many respects like it'd been on hold, although it's hard to say when exactly that actually happened. Sometime between the heady days of our A levels - the sensation of being young, truly young that no one can fully identify with till it's gone - and the peculiar reality of enlistment, of endless confinements, perhaps. When life abruptly and jarringly began to be nothing more than an endless cycle of work and sleep and living for the weekends, and everything began to seem so completely pointless. Being displaced a continent and thousands of miles away didn't seem to change a thing, except to exacerbate the isolation and the fear of never quite being able to fit in. So it was that I returned fully expectant that finally, finally I could pick up the pieces of what remained and slowly begin to build on what I had.
I couldn't. Much as I enjoy and find meaning in what I do for a living, I couldn't shake the feeling that this, even this, meant nothing at all. Home at last to a decent job I actually like! How many people can say that? But no, it all felt as pointless as ever - I'd end work after a long day and think: What now? Not one of those trivial where-to-have-dinners or should-I-eat-alone-tonights but an existential question mark hanging like a cloud over every day and every week.
I began to think: all I need is someone to do all this for. Someone for whom I'd be excited to end work, someone who'd be there through the long days and the longer nights. It's a classic narrative after all, and I began to buy into it. All this led to, though, was a deeper sense of disappointment and regret, of late disquieting nights spent ruing the half chances and the missed opportunities and all those other silent ships in the dead of night. Just a couple of months away and still struggling with some of these thoughts, but I can say quite assuredly that no, this was not (and is not) the answer. It would have been an answer of sorts, for sure, but a weak one which would more than likely have collapsed on me in the end, precipitating some sorta crazy downward spiral or something. Der Untergang level at least.
Hmmm, okay. "This post will first set out the various crises a 22-year old male faced in the year 2014, before proceeding to inspect the solution(s) and will finally conclude with some thoughts on the coming year, 2015." Smooth.
There is much to be said about the availability (physical, emotional, even spiritual) of friends and family. Too much, in fact, that it should rightly constitute another post altogether if I'm ever feeling contemplative and thankful again (which I really should.) What I'll put down here is a mere (but no less superlative) thank you. It's pretty scary to realize how miserable life would've been without all these people; it's pretty easy to imagine how bad things would've turned out.
As indispensable as family and friends have been (to be filed under emotional support, direct or indirect, whether intentional or unintentional), the crux of my year was something else altogether (though not quite, everything builds upon everything else) - and it was God. It is God. An answer both exceedingly simple and excruciatingly complex; a path both joyful and painful to walk on.
If 2013 for me could be characterized by desire, of re-learning what it meant to want to want again, then perhaps my 2014 was about trust. About trusting God with my desires, my fears, my plans. With the past, the present, the ever-looming future. The past is a dark area without Him, the present a dangerous place to inhabit, and the future scary in the extreme.
I learnt so much about trust; I had to. Through disappointment, trying circumstances, failures, breakdowns. Through all the self-reproach, crippling self-awareness, attempts (conscious or subconscious?) at self-destruction. And all the natural highs too.
Solo travel to ever more exotic locales, and the accompanying sense of independence and self-sufficiency. Lesson: complete independence is not complete freedom; it is a prison unto itself. You don't claw your way back from independence. Not by yourself, you don't. Self-sufficiency feels good for a while, it's empowering, and then you think: what am I empowered for? For myself, and myself only. An unsatisfactory state of affairs to say the least.
Survival of uni and subsequent graduation, one more paper qualification to brandish, another chance to flex the ego, but it begged the eventual question: so what? Of course, as existential/quarter/mid-life crises questions go this is one of the most ubiquitous, repeated ad nauseam, but its worth asking nonetheless. Especially upon graduation, the end of the yellow brick road, launchpad to (reportedly) inevitable success, pinnacle of a Singaporean Student's existence. The paper chase is (possibly) over; the rat race can now rightly be begun in earnest! But so what, so what, so what. It's kinda heavy stuff if you let it get to you - which it did, of course.
So here they were, among others, elements of the good life as the world says they should be - and it all seemed to add up to nothing. All that accomplishment and achievement and it was all just as futile and pointless as the dark days, the dog days. Worse, even. At least in the darkness you want to work towards the light; when you're lost and wandering you harbour hope of being found. When I arrived at the human conception of "success" I found that beyond the peak lay nothing. I remember taking the train out of Exeter, graduation certificate in hand, shape of the mortarboard still impressed upon my hair, and sure it felt good, but it's the overwhelming sense of emptiness I felt on that train which left its imprint on me. What next? Back to Singapore, back to work, back to family and friends. But what next?
Well. Thank God for God. 2014 ended up with me poised on the brink of something big and scary and exciting all the same time. Thank God for empowering leaders - and the insane faith that God has in me too, despite all the times I've messed up, all my failures as a "leader", all the times I've managed to stray from the path. Amazing grace. Unearned, unmerited, undeserved.
The opportunity to co-lead a group during the young adults' retreat was such a ridiculous, miraculous one - one that I really can't help but thank God for. It was pretty scary, and I had to learn necessary lessons in trust, in submission, in humility before and even during the retreat. The fear of failure, of rejection, feelings of inadequacy, unpreparedness, etc. It meant that I had to step out. Step up. Grow up.
And I reaaaaaaallly didn't want to have to. At some level I was pretty happy with the status quo, with staying in the background, with weekends binge watching movies and TV shows, playing dota, being careless and callous. Why would I want to take up responsibility, take on pressure? Except that I knew I had to, too. So God places me here (where I'd never thought I'd be) and it turns out to be the right place at the right time, and maybe I'm not quite the right person - but God will mould me to be just that. I have to learn how to let God work through my insecurities, and stop allowing myself to use them as excuses to not do what He's called me to do.
So I've managed to learn so much about community, what it means to love and be loved, about joy and peace and rest, and perhaps even had glimpses into servanthood and leadership. All in the past 2 or 3 months. Sacrifice, too. About what it means to put the Kingdom of God before the other things in life - a painful lesson; a precious one. One I'm still learning everyday. Really crucial lessons at this juncture in my life, a season for growth, of learning what it truly means to be a man of God. To be a disciple of Jesus.
You know what people say: Growing up sucks. And part of me still believes that, still wants to cling on to youth - nay, immaturity. Still wants to be beholden only to myself and to myself alone. Duty-free, obligation-less. The easy life. But by no means the good life. I think I've learnt enough over the past few weeks and months to say with conviction that no, I shall not again choose the easy life. Not at the expense of the life God wants me to have.
And maybe this path will alienate some people. I've always taken a measure of pride in being pretty savvy, pretty worldly. A man of the world, if you will. I thought that was not too shabby. Maybe one of the reasons I've found it so difficult to go all out for God is that I always kinda think: I'm not half bad myself, right? Maybe so and maybe no, but even that's not enough. Not anymore. And so maybe this will seem completely weird and strange to people, but I guess a line's gotta be drawn somewhere, and this is it. This is where I lay everything down and say "Father God, all that I have, all that I am, I give to You. Take me as I am. Use me as You will. No holding back. Let's go!"
So let the world spin madly on. I will be still and know that You are God. Days shall pass, seasons will change. Years go by, life goes on. And through it all I know that You will be with me, that You love me so. So let me run, run!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)