If You Care Too Much You Bare Too Much

Rather tired. Took a nap just now like 3-4 hours long after reaching home so I can't fall asleep just yet. Homecoming just now was pretty fun for the little bit that we played, but also quite cui during contact. Now I'm itching and aching and cut and bruised and grazed everywhere. Oh and burnt. And gonna have to change bedsheet cause of all the bloodstains. What's new.

And it's hard to imagine results coming out in a week. Shucks. Well don't worry about it guys, what's done is done, so don't lose any sleep over it. Results aren't everything anyway. And since I'm on the topic I'd like to protest this supposed meritocracy. We're all human we shouldn't be judged based on numbers and alphabets. You're not any less of a human just cause you're BCC instead of AAA. If you're 20 points instead of 6. Merits aren't based on academic results alone. Stupid system honestly. So if you're a CDD or a DEE or whatever you're not a failure, you're just a victim of a stupid system.

I have to stay awake until my sis comes home. I have no idea what time she'll be back. And I don't feel like playing dota. So maybe I'll just ramble on.

Well finally unemployed. I had no idea how taxing working is. Seriously. I work I come home I sleep I get up I work again. Hardly any time for anything at all. Now that I'm free from that hellish 8.30-6 1 to 5, I shall rediscover life. All the movies I claimed I'd definitely watch I didn't. Those that are still showing on silver screen I'll go watch. Those that aren't I'll pirate. Aye. And finally can get to read again. Books are food for your soul and I'm malnourished. Give my soul BMI 5000 I don't care.

A little too much free time though. I'm thinking of going overseas I don't know if I could do it alone. Backpacking sounds good maybe if I decide on a place I can start some planning. No idea whether I'll be able to do it. Or if I have the funds. Being unemployed has the decidedly unsavoury drawback of having no income, and that's a very bad sad thing. I don't want to take money from mom or dad anymore and this month's paycheck gonna be pathetic. So if I'm gonna be broke then backpacking not viable. Oh well maybe after army. Anyway I've just come to the conclusion that no way am I gonna be wasting my days away at home everyday. No more whole day dota. If it means I have to nip out for lunch/dinner then sure. Self-sufficiency is good!

Independence always good yeah? Maybe not. For without interdependence there can be no friendship, relationship, or any other kind of ship. Can you ever be truly independent? Would that be a good thing or a bad thing? If you realize one day that you are absolutely independent is that cause for rejoice or regret? It's rather scary isn't it to know that you don't have to count on anyone at all, that's sort of monstrous isn't it. And it's rather sad to know that nobody depends on you at all, anymore, isn't it. Then you are nothing, you're just a random bum. A random bum with a keyboard. Sometimes you want people to depend on you so you know you mean something. Otherwise, you don't. You don't mean anything to anyone.

And the Reservoir will no longer find me a willing volunteer.

For happiness to be complete sometimes you have to deceive even yourself. It doesn't matter how happy you appear to the world if you cannot make yourself believe that you are happy. So go ahead and lie away. Lie to yourself as you lie to the world. Complete the illusion. I hope you're happy, too.

Okay no more strength to continue. Shall sleep. Goodnight.

Darling Don't Despair.

Hold on to what you've got, even if suddenly it seems to grow thorns. Don't let go, someday you will find the pain is worth it. Wounds heal, but what you let go may never come back again. So just be strong and hang on. Make it work, yeah? It's not easy but you're gonna do it.

Kings Of Leon - On Call

She said call me now baby,
And I'd come a running,
She said call me now baby,
And I'd come a running,
If you'd call me now baby,
I'd come a running

I'm on call,
So be there,
One and all
To be there,
When I fall,
To pieces,
Don't you know,
I'll be there waiting

I'm gonna brawl
So be there,
One for all,
Be there,
When they fall,
To pieces,
Don't you know,
I'll be there laughing

I'll come a running,
I come a running,
I've come a running,

Be there!

I'm on call
So be there

I'm on call to be there!

I'll be cheering you from the sidelines.

Half Cup Empty, Half Cup Fool.

So you sometimes, ever the eternal optimist, believe in how everything is gonna turn out alright. That behind that corner lurks something beautiful and wondrous. Sometimes you're wrong and in fact there's a monster / a mugger / a murderer waiting for you just around that bend. And in an instant your hopes are dashed / your pockets are emptied / your throat is slit. And that will teach you to be wary to be cautious to fear and to not go in head held high. And the way life works, if you think something is going wrong for whatever reason, then it probably is, cause life is just a series of disasters, one after another. Because sometimes nothing ever turns out alright and your optimism doesn't help. In fact, it just might make things worse.

So don't be a half cup fool and go about with that belief in all things beautiful or you'll end up with nothing but your cup full of tears. And we don't want that do we?

I'm no cynic. This is just a post to all those things gone sour, to all those times you expected good but ended up guttered. To hopes dashed and dreams destroyed. To that terrible sinking feeling you get when it all finally goes wrong. You know what I'm talking about.

As a sidenote, I find cynics and skeptics to be among the most irritating people in existence, mostly cause of their presumed superiority and air of condescension. Just saying.

See ya.

V-day Dismay!

Hi, go out there and spend your v-day with the ones you love.

I'm going to church in the morning (ohnoes, 6am?!) and then going to my grandma's place for dinner I think. Isn't CNY just the perfect excuse to not have a valentine!

Just got my salary never seen 4 figures in my bank account before! But it's not gonna last long. See, 110 goes to tithing, 400 to return my dad, 300 to my mom and putting aside 400 for next month's usage, that leaves me... I think 5 dollars. Maybe I treat myself to a plate of wanton mee or something. At least I have ~450 in my CPF so I can pay for my kids' uni education yey!

Okay I'm supposed to wear handsum tmr to church and boy am I the right person to personify handsum! Maybe if my grandma sees this handsumboi she'll just de-age 50 years Benjamin Button-style. So good to know I get to spend v-day with my ego!

Hi, go out there and love the ones you spend your v-day with.

Unmasqued.

Did you put on your mask today? When you went out and faced the world what did the world see? Your face? Or were you hiding yet again under one of your myriad masks.

I think everybody wears masks. But it's not deceitful or anything it's perfectly natural. And different masks when they're with different people. Don't you feel like you behave differently when you're with different groups of friends? And haven't you seen others behave totally differently when they're not around you? You say two-face? I say nay, not even close. It just happens. Maybe it's to do with the expectation and assumptions of your friends, say, they think you're this kind of person so when you're with them you are, while with another group they think differently, and you conform too.

So who is the real you? All of them or none of them? If your personality if based on how you think others view you then it's not genuine is it? Or maybe the real you is a combination of all those masks, somewhere in between. If so then maybe no one ever gets to see the real you? Good thing or bad thing? Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe the real you isn't very nice at all, hence all these masks. And maybe love is when you meet someone whom you have no need to wear a mask in front of. Or maybe love is when you meet someone whom you're willing to put up this awesome mask for, all the time. So if the person does not love you it either means you're really hideous, really. Or your awesome mask isn't so awesome after all and you probably suck big time.

Sometimes you even drive people to run away from you. Maybe they see the real you and decide shit let's do an usain bolt. What do you do then? So maybe you never let anyone see the real you and you hide behind your masks and your walls. Sometimes you're looking everywhere for something to blame but the answer is right in front of you, if you would only care to look in a mirror. And even sleep now is no escape. I can't help but think when I'm awake but now my dreams are haunted even. Nobody likes to be reminded of their failings but everyday without fail I remind myself, consciously or even subconsciously. It sucks to wake up feeling like crap cause of the dream you dreamt. You can't even control it. Traitor brain. Traitor heart.

What happens when you know you're a loser? What steps do you take to be a winner? Oh well been wanting to write a story for a while but I'm feeling awful so maybe next time. Don't hurt yourself in anticipation. I'm going to dota.

:D

Today started off bad ): First I woke up late then I was so satisfied with myself for buying the fruits and then what? I GOT FLAMED FOR BUYING SO LITTLE!!!!!!!!!!! BY EVERYONE!!!!!!! ):):):):):): Now you all think back and say, wah de yan so smart buy so little. Seriously. So. Smart.

Although it was such a sad beginning ): it quickly got better! (: After (too much) food cheating touch opponents and lousy frisbee players..... We had an incredible camwhore session! INCREDIBLE. Is it possible we've turned gay! Yay! :D:D (note the many gay smilies)

Anyway dinner and lepak after that was good too. Many thanks guys and girls for a great day! No octagon or whatever other rip-offs, circle is win!

After that I went to cathay to find S14 and celebrate jianwen and chinting's birthday. Haven't met any of my classmates since probably prom. But it was fun we just sat there and kjw for a bit before leaving for home since the pool place is closed for renovation.

All in all an awesome day with awesome people! Work tomorrow. And I'm supposed to wake up at 5+ so that I can send zhikai off with the rest. Guess I'm not sleeping that would be a bad idea. Gonna have to survive on coffee and willpower for the whole day. Working till 9. Wonder if there's gonna be mahjong after that.

I don't really feel like sleeping just yet anyway, and I've had this thought bouncing around my head for a while. Not gonna be elaborate just trying to flesh it out.

Let's Brick Up

He's thinking of what she said. "Let's brick up." He doesn't understand but there's nothing he can do. He is dazed and confused and hurt and upset and angry and sad. Very sad. He lays the first slab. By doing that he realizes he's going to do as she says, and he's going to complete what he's started. He lays the second, and third brick. He hums softly, sadly, under his breath, the tune to a love song that he can no longer hear without also hearing her voice. The first layer is complete. That one line of Hey Jude is put on repeat in his head. "Take a sad song, and make it better." Na na na nananana, nananana, hey JUDE! It doesn't seem so difficult now, the bricks seem to have gotten lighter somehow. And there he goes, layer upon layer. And then his feet are doing a little jig, and his head is bobbing to the tune of I Am The Walrus! Goo goo g'joob! And then he begins giggling and is laughing so hard he drops a brick or two. He can barely contain his mirth. It's all making perfect sense to him and everything feels so... right, somehow. It is the last layer now and he has to go up on tiptoes and struggle to lay each brick. And like a machine he continues brick after brick because it doesn't matter anymore. Not his sadness or his happiness or anything. He set the last brick and then nothing mattered anymore. His wall of bricks set in mortar and tears was complete and nothing could get at him. The world and none of the people in it could affect him now. "Let's brick up," she said.

The end.

It randomly occurred to me how break up sounds like brick up and how fitting the similarity was. When you break up with someone you distance yourself and put layers between you and the other person. You stop seeing each other. That's one layer. Stop contacting each other. That's another layer. And slowly you build up this wall this chasm that's impossible to surmount. And it's a good thing too, cause that wall protects you. If you never get out you never get hurt and that's a good thing, no? But then sometimes you meet someone who just oh so casually tears down your carefully constructed walls and then oh so casually tears you apart and then leaves. That's life.

And oh no i'm very tired all of a sudden what if i sleep and don't wake up in half an hour and don't send zk off? and then skip work yet again oh no i have one day of work ahead of me. i think i shall leave house early to get some coffee at bbmac my old haunt. and i'm wondering why that bag? like a taunt. haha you tried and you failed. damn sian i don't get it. oh well mr clean up has to clean up his own mess now.

Okay my brother is waking up now he has to go to school I'll go bathe and leave the house soon cause I'm gonna fall asleep anytime. Good morning goodbye.