MerryHappy Boxing Day Yet Again.

Hullo all, hope you guys had an awesome christmas. A day of revelry and merry-making. Or of contentment and simply being happy.

The new year is beckoning. A fresh start, a new beginning. A chance to right wrongs. It is the beguiling lure of a clean slate. It isn't, actually. How could any one day of the year do all that and represent all that? And yet it does. Funny. What is also funny is how do you call 2010? We're used to oh eight and oh nine so how do you say 2010 in short form? Oh ten? Funny how I can't recall 1998 or 1998 either. I think they were ninety-eight and ninety-nine, but at least they have more than 1 syllable. Ten? It's just gonna sound funny. If only we could find someone who lived in the year 1910 and who is still coherent and ask him/her, that would answer many questions.

I guess the end of the year is also a time for you to take stock of what you've got. Or what you think you've got. Anyway. If a good year is one where you've achieved alot, attained alot, then no it's not been a really good year. If a good year is one where you've experienced alot, gone through alot, then yes you could probably say this was a rather good year. If a good year is one where.... I guess it's all a mattter of perspective. How you want to spin your story. If you want to say it's been a good year or a bad year. It's really all up to you. How you want to remember your year. How you want to be remembered.

I've had a good year. 2009 was a good year for me. I lived, I laughed, I loved, I lost. If you run your finger down the list from grief to joy, all that is in between, you'll find that every word can be used to describe my 2009. The entire gamut of human emotion. And through it all I've changed, because what you feel changes you doesn't it? And I think I've changed for the better, that I've managed to grow some. I don't think it's my vanity speaking. And I have to, I'm almost 18 and it's time to grow up.

But sometimes I still feel like a child. A confused child. I don't know what to do and I don't know what to think. And I don't know what I'm supposed to think. I don't like being clueless. I don't know if it frustrates you but it does frustrate me. I frustrate me. You sow some doubts here, and then sprinkle some hope there, and what am I supposed to do? It rather confuses me. Believe me, I'm not trying to be a bumbling idiot.

Do you sometimes wish you were someone else? I sometimes wish I were the kind of person who does stupid things, who doesn't have to think things through every single time. But I'm not. I analyze (and over-analyze) the littlest things and think of the possible consequences of doing anything and everything and what do you know, I end up doing nothing at all. Why can't I act on emotion and do what I feel like doing, say what I feel like saying? (I'm not saying all the time, cause that's not good, only those times that matter.) Why am I so afraid of sounding stupid, looking stupid, seeming desperate, looking bad? Is it pride? Vanity? I don't know but whatever it is I don't like it. Something is inhibiting my actions and staying my hand and I don't like it, sometimes.

I'm stuck in limbo and no, limbo does not rock. I understand it takes time so I'll give it. I don't have to like it.

I'll end here. I hope and I'm sure you guys have had a good 2009 (c'mon don't act pitiful and be mired in sorrow I'm sure there's at least that something that redeems your year.) If you gave me the option I wouldn't mind re-living my 2009. Yes, that is in spite of the ridiculous amount of studying it entails. I've rather run out of words so there might not be another post till next year. (Yes I think I've typed myself dry. 31 posts this year!) Have a blessed year ahead of you (all 5 days that remains of it) and be of good cheer! Devote these last few days to the storied "eat drink and be merry" and enjoy yourselves. Goodbye.