In Love With Being In Love

Hi. Here am I typing this entry on my brother's spanking new comp with the 23 inch monitor. It is seriously huge. I am intimidated by its sheer size. Give me good old small monitors any day. I probably have to crane my neck to play dota on this comp. Haven't posted in a long time, mostly cause I'm not doing anything myself. Funshion being my new best friend, all I'm doing is watching movies until maybe 10am everyday and then waking up in the evening only to realize there isn't time for me to do anything. Too late to go out, too late to inform my maid I'm eating dinner outside, too late for anything. It's like a trap.

I'll go down to Bras Basah tomorrow to visit tecman, cause I'm tired of not having a life. Then I'll watch Up In The Air somewhere, probably GV cause I have that free ticket. Sounds like a plan. I haven't applied anywhere yet and I'm quite annoyed with myself. I'll never go to malaysia at this rate. And also I'm going to eat roti prata later in the night, maybe at 4+. Wanted to do it last night but by the time my movie ended it was 5 something, and my maid was gonna get up to prepare breakfast anyway. Later. It's a date with myself.

I'm not sure why I'm so bent on going to malaysia myself. From the time I started thinking about it I knew I was going alone. And I know it'll probably be lots of fun to go with someone else, as many people have pointed out to me. But I don't know. I'm not sure if I need time alone, or if I'm out to prove something to myself. Maybe I want to show myself that I can enjoy being alone. I used to enjoy it. And then I got tired of it. Really tired. And now, it's time for me to rediscover that joy. That ability to be on my own, again. I think I'll enjoy the trip by myself, long bus rides, random sightseeing, eating good food. Next week, I hope. I think maybe tuesday or wednesday, sometime midweek. Oh yeah and I still have to borrow a backpack and make other preparations, which sucks cause I don't know why I'm procrastinating like that.

Prata waiting for me at the end of this post. Too bad there are still things I have to get off my mind.

It's dangerous to fall in love. Or to fall in love with the idea of love. With being in love. The idea that someone belongs to you. I don't mean that in the possession kind of way. It's like you know someone will be there for you. Someone is thinking of you. Something like that. And I think it's easy to fall in love with that idea. Cause loneliness is so tiresome. Then it becomes so easy to rush into things, because you're not looking for a special someone to fill that void, you're looking for just anyone. And when there are two people equally intoxicated by that idea, maybe true love doesn't have to exist, not for them.

I'm not sure what I'm getting at here. But I don't want to be the person who's merely infatuated with that idea of love. I don't want to get together with somebody just for the sake of getting together with somebody. It is tempting, is it not?

Enough of that. Anyway that reminded me that my brother recently just came up to me and told me I was a loser for not having a girlfriend yet. Quote :Wah you damn loser leh. Very supportive kind of brother. I told him that ya leh, actually quite loser. Hahah. Brotherly love indeed.

If someone does the right thing but with the wrong intentions, is it correct? I don't know. I suspect it's wrong, cause I think intent is important. Because sometimes your intentions do not come across in your actions, but the fact is that the intent was there, and I think that's significant. Sometimes people with good intentions don't do good things, then you condemn the action, not the person. So I think I'll stop, cause I know my intentions aren't exactly selfless.

This totally brings to mind an episode of House which I felt (of course, it's House) was pretty awesome. It was about this guy who suffered some brain damage so he had no control over what he was saying. As soon as he had a thought, he said it out loud. And his wife was pretty pissed at him for some of the things he said. Because some of the things you think aren't nice at all. But I think the wife didn't get it. Most people probably think that what a person thinks reveals his true self. I think that's wrong. You can think bad thoughts but choose not to say it so that nobody is hurt by what you said. Are you a bad person for thinking those thoughts? No, you're a good person cause you chose not to say it out, cause you understand the repercussions of what you might say. That man with a fully functional brain was a man who chose not to hurt the people around him by saying what he thought. You don't have a choice what your brain conjures up. Not fully you don't. But you have a choice whether to voice it or not. And I think you should judge a man by the choices he makes, rather than anything involuntary like what his brain chooses to think. Unreasonable wife, really.

And that stupid funshion is keeping me off my tv shows. Spending every hour of my day (or night) at home on the comp and I haven't even caught up with any of my shows. I'm a useless sloth, really. And a loser for having this lifestyle in the first place. Oh well. Prata time.

I don't think I should. But it is tempting, is it not?