A resigned optimist? Well.. Maybe not. Sounds like a rather depressive idea. Maybe more like easily content, so disappointment doesn't strike quite so hard. You can be quite satisfied with what you get, no matter that it never quite matched up to your inflated expectations. Does that mean I settle for less? If you insist, and really want to put it that way, I can't exactly say you're wrong. (Although I must say I'm very much against settling for less!)
I wanna watch the Black Swan again by the way. A tour de force.
I also want to DotA. And play Pokemon. Wut?!
Watching the series of 'Home' videos made me think, All those kids with all those dreams. Doctor, teacher, fireman. What we're doing here, now, is to allow these kids their dreams. To allow them to pursue their dreams in peace. And who's going to do it, if not us?
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So the things I truly want, I don't get. The things I deem unnecessary, superfluous, I get (oftentimes without effort.) Is that how it's going to work? But I have no choice. I have to try nonetheless.
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So it was a picture perfect day. The sun low in the sky. A light fog over the city. Tall, gleaming structures. Sailing slowly, quietly into the harbour. A solitary fisherman salutes us. 'Qingdao Welcomes You', a large signboard blares. Boom boom boom. A military band awaits us. The sun glints off the sparkling brasswork. 150 seamen standing at attention, awaiting our arrival. We sail past a large destroyer, several black, sleek submarines. The still is piped.
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Not Enough Warmth For Myself
15/03/11 (34.3-35.2 degrees celsius)
I wore 5 layers of clothes and I was freezing! I've almost never felt worse. Throbbing headache, like a 'wire in my brain' (a la Shutter Island.) Coughing, which created intercranial pressure = worse headache. Swallowing hurt, and my throat was like all swollen. I was cold but my face was all red, which was odd. Sleep had never seemed like such release.
Bye bye headache! I'll see you again, in 3 hours.
Blankets are a great invention are they not?
Bolsters too, but too bad I don't have one now.
I love bolsters.
From the way I'm writing I seem to be quite feverish still. Hah. Fast forward a day and I'm 37.7 degrees and sweating. While wearing a mere 3 layers of clothes! Would you have ever thought the day would come, where you would use the word 'mere' in reference to 3 layers!
So I had this thought that, goodness, I hardly have enough warmth for myself! How can I have enough for others? Which I don't know is figurative or metaphoric or literal or wtv. Need someone who studies lit to explain to me maybe!
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I'm Coldhot92 Indeed
(The wee hours of 16/03/11)
Okay, so last night I had the hots, so I slept without my long johns. I was veritably melting. Pssst. I felt so warm I could hardly fall asleep. Then I did. At 3:21am I woke up, probably cause my legs were shaking so hard I kicked myself awake. I was, yet again, freezing! Brrrr.
I had this terrible dilemma, to try to sleep (precious, precious!) or try to remedy the situation? Naturally, I attempted the former, but failed miserably. Brrr!
So I scrambled off my bed and put on my beautiful long johns (a brrrilliantly conceived invention.) I was still pretty much freezing though, but at least I managed to sleep at last. But for the rest of the 1.5 hours of sleep, I was suffering :(
Then I woke up and by 6am, I was melting?! My body really outdid itself this time, I was hopelessly and utterly confused. I was like sweating and all, and I was wearing just 2 layers of clothing.
Of course, the weather should be warming up double quick time, with the aid of both our southward passage and the winds of time. The last vestiges of winter is being blown away now, and the spring must well and truly be in bloom! However, I'm like on a ship miles away from land, so I don't see its effect, sigh.
And when we finally sight land, we'll be, very unfortunately, back in the tropics! Oh dear. Back to days of humidity, and sweltering heat, and humidity, and sweat, and day after day of 24-32 degrees forecasts!! Gotta be the most unimaginative temperature range ever, dunno why we even bother with a forecast really.
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I can't seem to muster the energy for anything at all. A smile, a witty repartee. Seems to take alot of effort all of a sudden. I'm down in the doldrums.
Only 9 days left though. Let me pull through. And I'm so tired too, I shouldn't be!
I think I could stay in Singapore. It's not an entirely unfeasible scenario. And not entirely unpalatable either.
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If I Can't Be Good, Maybe I Can Be Deliciously Bad.
I'm quite terrible, I am. No talent. No musical talent. No artistic talent. No skirt-chasing talent, et cetera.
So maybe I can be bad. Not in that sense, y'know.
But it's like, if I have no taste in stuff, why not get like the ugliest rubbish around? (Not actually ugly, more of like tacky and useless, in reference to the souvenirs I buy back.) Way more discernible. I could be different.
Am I? I've been told I'm different, that I think differently. I'm not sure how exactly. But it's a compliment. So I shan't conform. I don't have to.
But I have to change. My temper. My impatience. More of the latter I think. I'm very impatient and get riled rather quickly. But I don't usually explode wih rage or something, I just get pissed off. Pissful person.
At least 3 times now, this MSTD. Incorrigible. What now? Can't stop trying to change. Then I get pissed off again. Sigh.
I really hate this about me. It's a hateful thing to have a temper. You know you're saying terrible stuff which are hurtful, you just can't stop. Righteous anger and all, and I don't give.
And pride. Worse, wounded pride.
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22/03/11
(02:35H)
I did a cartwheel today :)
And I flunked a test I thought I'd pass! Damn loserzzx.
(07:35H)
Gonna kick soccer. Let's have some fun today! RUGBY C'MON.
Will I regret MSTD? I think so, yes. And yet I don't. I've enjoyed myself some, helped my division. I could have been selfish, tried to up my own value. To my own detriment, probably, I didn't. Which is probably not such a bad thing. Sigh.
I really could and should have done more. Too late for wistful thinking now. Let's ride out the rest of this. I'll be home soon.
(22:55H)
Flunked another test. Another cocktail. Another day.
S.S.D.D
Can't wait for this to be over.
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Tell The World I'm Coming Home.
That'd be nice wouldn't it? But reality bites, as it always does. Probably nobody is gonna care whether I'm home. I would tell the world but nobody'd give me the time of the world. (Too many the worlds there!) So lovelorn and forlorn. Goodness. Garn!
Let this end please.
I'm losing drive here.
I'm losing my mind.
I'm losing myself.
I am lost.
Who will find me when I am lost? I don't know. I don't think there's anything to know.
Ohwells. Let me stop whingeing now! So tired, I want to sleep.
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Mindless Machines, Dying Drones.
So mind-numbingly boring, garn! 2230-0300, 4.5 hours of Crappy Copying. Totally dying back there. I hit a brick wall, really couldn't continue writing a single word. So exasperating, frustrating, mind melting. Never done anything that felt so meaningless. Geez.
Must watch a movie (My Fair Lady?)
Read books. Hello hello Murakami! I think I'm in love. <3 <3 Should read the classics. Dumas, Kipling, Twain, Austen (?! Maybe never.) Wuthering Heights or something. Although they sound so moody and girl and dreadfully colonial. Not girly maybe, but a full-on romance novel.. will be odd. But if I never read them I'll be terribly uncultured and all.
Something about period movies/books, the ones featuring the brits in the 1800s or something. Terribly boring lives! The counts and duchesses and fair ladies of good social standing. They seem to do nothing with their lives at all! Just socialize and go for balls and walk their horses or sth. Fluffy existences.
It's amazing how rested I feel after just minutes, couple hours of rest. 2 quick shut eyes and poof, 100% me. Still a bitch to get out of bed though :/
My complexion is going down the drain. Ugh. Complection. Inflexion. Where is it that "x" and the "ct" is used interchangably?
Hmm. Dennis Lehane and John le Carre too.
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The End.. Is Nigh!
Monkey off my back indeed! Nothing left but a few days, let's not make a hash of it!
Lepak mode: ON
Just get me home. And tell the world while you're at it.
Oscar Wilde, fascinating. Must read Importance of Being Earnest (thought it was Hemmingway or sth! What did that guy write though?)
Oh dear, I'm losing my facility (faculty?) I wrote right instead of write. Right ain't right, ain't write! And I did it again for the second time, alarming.
My Fair Lady is just Pygmalion embellished, except with an extremely odd ending. I mean, Higgins?! I have to watch My Fair Lady! (Maybe there are many subtle going-ons) The script conveys nothing of the sort. Poor Eliza! Poor Freddy! Can't imagine how Alan Jay Lerner could have discerned such an ending from George Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion. I thought Freddy made her feel like a Queen! Alan DooLittle was hilarious though, didn't quite expect a comedy. Interesting to read a script though, must say I found it quite entertaining.
Sleeping in till 8am! Fanstastix and Bombastix.
Happy Sunday! :)
But lingering fatigue, it seems. How else to explain slipshod writing like that! Oh, pleasant week ahead, I hope.
Expectation is the Enemy of Enjoyment.
Time to purchase mani mani boox. All that I've read so far, pretty good. Let's buy them! Asterix and Obelix Go To Buy Boox.
I think no more sleep tonight! Thank goodness for so much sleep last night! Phew?! Horror of horrors.
(03:51H)
Suffering. Like. A. Dog.
HELP! SLEEP PLEAZ!
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And The Majik Werd Is!
Have you ever been so delighted to hear the word Johor?!
17 miles off the coast of Johor.
Yipee! Home Sweet Home. Goo'goo'g'job!
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Hullo it's me now, not an excerpt from my MSTD journal. It's a wednesday night and I'm back home.. and it is not a disagreeable sensation, no, not at all!
I realize how depressed I must sound in some of my journal entries. So forlorn and hopeless and etc. Oh well, what can I say! Throw a boy/man/handsumboi into a ship with many other boys/men and embark on a journey to the far north (and back) for all of 42 days and that is what you get. Seriously, it really was a drag. Day after day we were being ground and apparently, moulded. Very demoralizing stuff.
Of course there were little breaks here and there in the monotony. Eating bugs (cockroaches, crickets/grasshopers idk which, frogs, and sth like flies or beatles or sth. Small little crunchy things taken two at a time.) etc. May not be very exciting and all, but some breathing space nonetheless. Towards the end it got better too, and I even wrote a silly little ditty (not a little silly ditty, it is extremely silly) too!
Not currently in the mood to go on babbling about my trip. Let's talk about today instead!
Might have been a short day, but there are 3 things that I thought I'd talk about.
Firstly (and the most serious of all) was when my ex-buddy told me that he admired people like me. I was quite at a loss as to how to respond. I felt it was entirely unjustified.
He asked, how can people like you just absorb things like that, understand things so quickly? Or something along those lines. I didn't know what to say. How can I say I can't help it? That it's something I've been blessed with since I was born? I have done absolutely nothing to achieve it, to earn it, to deserve it. Nothing. How could he possibly admire me for something I played no part in attaining?
It is not right. It is unfair, unjust. It's not fair for someone like me to almost effortlessly do things that other people struggle to do. The whole system is unfair. It is unfair for us, for my ex-buddy, to live in these times, where the things that he struggles with, the things that seemingly come to me so naturally, are the things that are highly esteemed. It is not fair.
I wish I could help him but I don't know how (if) I can. And I have let him down, all this while. It is the truth, as much as I wish it were otherwise. I was very angry with myself a while back for this, but now it's more of regret.
That was the first thing. The second thing is that I have for the third time in a week, bought a book. At least it is singular this time! And I used my $10 Harris voucher, so all's well! I bought Never Let Me Go (by some Jap author) which is actually now a Major Motion Picture. Which I'd wanted to watch but didn't have a chance to (I'm not too sure whether it actually is out already or not but my strong suspicions are that it has ended its run.)
You know how I claimed that I'd never buy a book which said Major Motion Picture on its cover, or sth like that? I defied myself this time (what a rebel!) because the cover looked so pretty! As compared to the other version, that is. And I'm quite sure Carey Mulligan is on the cover, so. Can't argue with that!
As of now I have 10-11 books that I've purchased but not read yet. So my recent Book Binge is really quite inexplicable. Spells trouble for my wallet!
Oh oh on this topic let me add that Stardust is yet another awesome book by Neil Gaiman! It's one of the two books (the other being Paddy Clarke Ha Ha Ha, both being part of yet another Book Buying Spree sometime last year) that I stashed away in my cabin in OCS in case I was ever bored enough to rifle through them. Not a very good boredom vanquisher, I guess, since I was done with it in all of 2 days! Haha.
Okay so that was no. 2. No. 3 was this: A woman came up to me at Jurong Point and told me she was from some.. Singapore Heart Foundation I think. There are a few things that can be drawn from this. First, that I must look pretty old, for whatever it is she needed me to do requires the person to be at least 21 years of age.
This I know because I'd been approached by this same foundation 3 times prior. Which brings me to the second point. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I think I have the face of a sucker. Somehow, everyone who's looking for someone to do a survey/donate money/sign up for insurance/et/cetera casts their eyes upon me. Almost everyone.
Backtrack a few years, in hongkong, even a policeman came up to me and asked me, where are you from? What are you doing here? I recall his dubious expression when I held up my ez-link card vividly. Then on the ferry back from macau, I was stopped by the customs guy there, and had my bag searched. Then I HAD MY GOOSE CONFISCATED FROM ME BY THE CUSTOMS GUY AT CHANGI AIRPORT.
Seriously. And on all these occasions, I'm like the only person to be stopped?! Random checks me arse! Either I look like a terrorist or I look like a sucker, and I can't decide which is worse. Pfffffffffft!
I'd love to say that it's cause I'm simply magnetic, or that there's just something very alluring about me or something, but well, somehow I don't really think those are very satisfying explanations. Sigh. I am stumped, bewildered, mystified, mystical. Yeah. There's something very mystical about all these going-ons.
If I were a conspiracy theorist and prone to paranoia, I'd probably be stowed away in one of my nuclear bunkers already. Ohwell.
So that's the third thing. And, Surprise! There's a fourth! Betcha didn't see that coming did you? One box of happy surprises after another, that's me.
I thought we'd book out today early enough for me to catch Mary & Max, but I was disappointed there. Didn't actually think that was gonna happen, actually, but fool's gold looks gold nonetheless. And was a tad too late to watch Rango at Cineleisure too! By the looks of it, it'll be off the screens by tomorrow, which is a crying shame. Thankfully, and hopefully, I believe Mary & Max still has one week left in it, and also, Norwegian Wood is opening tomorrow! Hurrah!
Wonder if I should read the book first (which'd be a challenge since I can't find the exact cover I want, despite the book being available almost everywhere I look!) or watch the movie first. I've almost never watched a movie before reading the book it was based on, in fact I can't recall any instances of that. Except most recently, with Shutter Island. Which leads me to believe that reading a book first before watching the movie works out better than vice versa.
Maybe I should give it another shot, instead of prematurely coming to that conclusion! Wouldn't want to spoil my experience actually, but in the name of scientific enquiry, maybe I shall! Choices, choices! Ho hum.
I shall end here on this characteristically sad note (haha!), that as of now, I've had diarrhea for the past one week :( Ho hum.
EDIT @ 11:39am - Norwegian Wood opens on the 14th instead! And there's noway I'll be out on a thursday for the third concurrent week.. Sigh!
Oh oh and I forgot to add that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is going for $8.90 at Harris now! The hardcover version too. I remember thinking: what a steal! when I bought it for $20 last time. $8.90 is criminal! How it can be so cheap, I have no clue. Weird.
And check out youareatourist.com for some death cab for cutie goodness! Lurvely.
When there's a burning in your heart
An endless yearning in your heart
Build it bigger than the sun
Let it grow, let it grow
When there's a burning in your heart
Don't be alarmed
This fire grows higher
When there's a doubt within your mind
Because you're thinking all the time
Framing rights into wrongs
Move along, move along
When there's a doubt within your mind
When there's a burning in your heart
And you think it'll burst apart
Or there's nothing to feel
Save the tears, save the tears
When there's a burning in your heart
I think it'd be pretty if it were -
Save the tears, save the tears
For when there's a burning in your heart.
I think there's something beautiful about that, about using tears to put out the burning in your heart. Or that's just me! Ta-ta.
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