CHI KA BOOM! Negative Three Days.

In three days, maybe twenty, thirty thousand people are going to experience one of the defining moments of their lives. Yes, very dramatic. We're going to take our O level results, whooopey YAY! Can you imagine, the futures of these many people, and the courses of their lives, being impacted by the results? It's pretty incredible that a simple exam could do so much. Hope, and the (maybe) destruction of it, based on the O levels! You wouldn't imagine the immense stress some people are feeling just because the date of release has been confirmed. Overwhelming. How about just take it easy, ya'll? Ahaha.

My bill exploded, and it was not one of those cinematic and picturesque explosion one would expect. It was downright fugly, LOL! 80 dollars on my handphone bill, phish man. 1000+ messages for I think only the second time in my entire lifespan, and 130 minutes outgoing? Phish it, I'm deadly screwed. Wahaha. It's no coincidence, the other time I achieved 1k messages was because I messaged some girl. Yes, the aforementioned random, innocuous girl who contacted me out of the blue. I don't actually talk about her much. Well, she IM-ed me one fine Friday, and thus began a I-don't-know-how-long friendship, I can't even say if it's ended or not. The ending was just fugly. Apparently, we share(d) a common interest in movies, books and probably other random things like sports and all. So we chatted, pretty much nightly? Yeah. Merely three days into our new-found friendship, I went out with her. Sunday. I accompanied her to like, kallang netball court or something. Then we went to suntec I think? I must be some softie, which guy goes out with a girl (whom he does not like) on the third day of friendship? Must have been her emo-ing which caused me to pour out my kindness. Bah.

Yes, thereafter we went out, a few times, and messaged each other. Promises were made (mostly on my part) which I largely failed to keep. That's just plain stupidity, it probably made her bitter or something. Things like, "If you're alone for lunch it's okay, I'll accompany you anyday." If you can't stick to simple things like that, don't make empty promises. Learning point. Then, agreeing to go for some chalet/birthday celebration thing. And could I just agree, and leave it at that? No! I had to promise to go. Of course, in the end I didn't. See, from my (self-righteous) point of view, what happened was this. My friend celebrates his 21st birthday, right? That's not an occasion one can miss. However, on the other side of S'pore, a chalet or something is going on, and I ask, "Is it possible if I go abit later?" I'm pretty hazy on the details, but it's something along the lines of her not replying. And giving me a very pissed tone when I called over. I do recall apologizing, pretty profusely. Well, after that, things just fell apart didn't it? Yeah, we resumed our lives after that brief hiatus in which we were close friends. To me, she seems to feign ignorance and anonymity whenever we see each other, I think we classify as acquaintances now. One night, after prom, yes, I messaged her. Pretty memorable night, but not because of that, I just happen to remember messaging her. I think our friendship could have revived that day, but she fell asleep and promptly stopped messaging. =) She refused to go for the new year thing at west coast. Probably would have proved awkward. There is no conclusion to this story, as yet. There probably won't be, and the memories of friendship will fade and vanish, no closure, but an end.

You know why I've been thinking of past events? Well, it seems to me that some stories happen twice. Sure, the characters and the scenarios change, but stripped to the bones, it's the same storyline. Gasp. A friend of 2 years, not particularly close. Suddenly, on the last day of the year (2007) begin talking. All of a sudden, I'm a confidante of this girl. True to form, I go out with her to the movies. Movies, books. Striking sense of deja vu? That's where the fear sets in. Guess what, I am so afraid she's gonna like me. Megalomaniac. Which other idiot in the world is afraid of stuff like that? I'm afraid I'm full of it. Anyways, one starts to feel like we're getting too close, too fast. That by acting nice and all, providing comfort, I am giving her reasons to like me. Of course, I hope this is all a load of bull, and just me being full of myself. What happens if she likes me? I don't know. One part of me just longs to reciprocate and leap into a relationship. Serious. The other part says no, I should not get into a relationship. But what happens if we get closer, and closer? I'm afraid the latter's voice will get weaker, and the former, all too strong.

But see, there is a vital problem. Why would she like me (if at all)? Because at some point of crisis or another in her life, I happen to be the person she contacts, who provides comfort. I think people who are looking for solace, very easily could fall for the person who gives it to them. It's like a drowning person looks for flotilla to cling on to. So, she falls for the persona I specially construct for these lost souls. I'm sure that's more than a little flawed, right? It's like I'm exploiting their vulnerability, to con them while they're down. By them I mean both of them. But with the first girl, we had these wonderful conversations. Going something like, "I promise not to like you." Yeah, both of us stated that. With the current friendship though, there is nothing to allay my fears but the hope that I'm unattractive and unappealing. Ego.

This is all secret alright? Whomsoever happens to read my blog. Ahaha. By the way, I had begun to harbour secret suspicions that the first girl liked me. Oh well. Ego. I don't believe the current girl is going to like me though, despite my fears, she seems all too sensible =) I do hope this friendship does not fizzle out, as per aforementioned friendship, but at least if it goes out, go out with a bang or something, provide me some form of closure at the very least. It sometimes gets quite painful without closure, left hanging on an edge somewhere. Yeah. So this is all the juice anyone's gonna get on De Yan the monk. I think it's good to talk about stuff, even if it's to the vast emptiness of cyberspace. Ah, my posts I usually try to do with levity, but not this one. This one is more like purging my systems, airing out the fears. But in no way is it emo lor, LOL. I where got pai kia. I where got ah beng. I where got dao. I where got loner. I where got emo. LOLZ, the things I'm described as, so hilarious can! My toes are squirming about in mirth! Ahahaha. Oh noes, speaking of DAO, I am reminded of these other girls. Oh dear. I'll find some time to post about them, lol! They are t3h irritating.

Ah well, school tomorrow, sleep now.

To silly fears,
and baseless fears.
To closure,
and the lack of one.

I put you to rest.
Good night.