It is Christmas Eve! And De Yan has succumbed to the lure of the dark side. *Evil laugh* I... Am... Your... FATHER!! Not even De Yan can shy away from blogging, angst-ridden, emo-kid that he is! MUAHAHAAH * Evil laughs evil laughs*
Alright, yew tong and lao gao have both started their own blogs. And yew siang and I decided to follow suit, weeee~ I'll give this a shot, even the aloof lao gao says blogging is interesting. Of course, it helps that I got some cool url. Like, FAKED FROWNS MAN. I am the epitome of cool.
It's 4.30 in the morning, I should sleep. I have to receive a present tomorrow, and then shop for present, and then go home and eat dinner, and then hopefully go out to some christmas party or not I will feel reaaaaally lame. Who stays at home on christmas eve. Tsk. Maybe, the anti-social emo-kid that I am. MUAHAHAA.
I... AM... YOUR... FATHER
Good night.
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It's christmas 2009. I don't know what's wrong. Something must be terribly wrong. I don't want to be alone. At least when I'm with friends I have a reason to put on a front and smile and laugh and crack jokes and look happy. Now I'm alone at home. And I'm not happy, I'm not smiling and there's not reason for me to laugh. Stupid blogs and their readers, looking at this first ever post of mine makes me rather ashamed. Many things make me feel ashamed. It's shameful how a girl can make me feel so depressed, so excited, so happy, so upset, sometimes all at once. It must be a character flaw, nobody is supposed to feel this way about someone else, it seems ridiculous. Somehow she affects me. Even now as hope is dwindling and the cause seems lost, I cannot help but feel little bursts of optimism. I think and think and think, it cannot be. The girl who just 2 weeks ago could not sleep because she was nervous about our first date. Who a little more than a week ago wanted to go with me to see the doctor. How could she be the girl I said goodbye to yesterday night? Who said just one word, "thanks". Know this, whenever I think about PageOne or walk into it, I will think of you. I'm afraid that's something that will not go away. After the last two months, is that all you could come up with? That told me everything I needed to know. I could, before that, still imagine that hey nothing's wrong I'm just thinking too much. But now, all hope has been snufffed out. Thanks for making things clear. Thanks for not letting me dwell in hope. It's murderous, hope is. That's what happens when you let yourself hope. You never want to be lonely again? Let's be realistic. Let's not let hope get a grip on us. It magnifies and blows out of proportion the truth of reality. That was rather pretentious. I don't know what has happened. I really don't. What has changed? Why should it have changed? Wasn't everything progressing along fine? I was willing to wait for you to be ready. I am. But I know you'll never be. At least never for me. What is it I've done wrong? Why the drastic change? Why? I want to know and I never want to know. Was it something I did? Something I said? It must have been terrible for it to change things so much. It's even more terrible that I do not know about it. You said you were afraid of the person I was, the person who was afraid of people liking him and of himself liking other people. There's a reason I was that person. This is the reason. You don't expose yourself to hurt and you never get hurt. It's really gay to be saying stuff like this. Honestly, hurt and pain? It's nothing a real man can't deal with. But maybe I'm not. I can't be.
ReplyDeleteWhen you give yourself that hope and you admit to yourself that you want something (someone) so much, you're vulnerable and it's not a hurt I can take "like a man". I don't even care. No, boys don't cry. They laugh it off and cover it up with lies. They laugh about it and hide the tears in their eyes. But I don't have to keep up that pretense when I'm alone, and that sucks. I don't want to be alone. I want to put up a false front and pretend and be all fake as can be, I want to be a boy, if only to the world. I don't want to be this person sitting in front of his computer and feeling all depressed. What happened to the girl who repeated my name in her head while she tried to sleep? The girl who told me she was nervous when she was alone with me? The girl who told me she liked me sending her home even as she was worried I would be tired? Who scolded me for not taking my medicine and nagged at me to sleep? I can't believe it's all gone in a week. Less. Why did she not tell me she was back in singapore? Refuse to return my messages? Refuse to be alone with me for even a little while? I bought the book for you. I really enjoyed it. I think it's a beautiful piece of work. I really hope you enjoy it as much as I did. I really hope you will be as moved by it as I was. I'm sorry I don't really know what else to give other than you know, a book. That's all I've got, that's me. Maybe that's why. Too boring. No shared interests? I would have gotten you a knitting book if I knew which one was good. I scanned through the section and just couldn't pick one. I also saw a grey's 2010 calendar which seems abit overboard, but you might have loved it. I'm sorry I didn't get it. Or the knitting book. I'm sorry I'm so clueless. I don't want to be either. I'm sorry for anything and everything. Thank you for everything. For the last two months. For your accompanying me when I'm going home (even when you said that's not what you were doing). For being the someone I think about whenever I was feeling lonely. For thinking about me. You don't send me any messages wrongly anymore, I guess that means you've stopped thinking about me. Well. For being you. Thank you poixin.
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