Hello Darkness My Old Friend.

The funny thing about this post's title is that the word I have the most trouble with is the word "Friend." There's been something going on recently that I've not just allowed to happen, but am responsible for too. I've failed as a leader, a brother, a mentor. I've failed as a friend.

I'm not looking for any encouragement, or support, or to justify my actions, or anything. I don't want or need anything, I just need to write about this somewhere. Because this is big, this is significant, and I can't pretend it isn't going on. I don't need anyone to read or care about this, all I need to do is to unload.

There's been a critical failure in how I've been doing things. I've been a hypocrite. I've been talking about "leadership" but I haven't been practicing it at all. I've been talking about the need for critical thinking and looking at the big picture etc but that's not something I've managed to do. I've gotten personal and I've gotten emotional and I have had a negative effect on people. If I had looked at the big picture I should have recognized this ages ago, but I did not.

I've let my own agenda overshadow the "greater good", if you will, I've let my own personal wishes and expectations overtake the importance of friendship, of relationship, of community. I have discouraged and disparaged and dismissed where I was supposed to encourage, to support, to build up. I've created a poisonous atmosphere where the things that don't go according to my expectation are attacked, and people are afraid.

I fucked up.

That being said, however, don't worry about me beating myself up (and yes I am specifically addressing someone here). Of course I feel guilty and all, but I also know that's not the end-state. There's still something for me to do here. There's still the future to think about. So I'm not going to engage in any form of self-loathing to the point where I forget the point.

The question I really have to start applying myself to, that I almost have no choice but to answer, if only to satisfy myself, is what happens next. I have to have faith in a God who can undo the mistakes I've made, that however it's going to happen He is going to make things right. But I still have a part to play here.

There is a lesson to be learnt and it is shameful for me to have to admit it, especially in front of the friends whom I respect and value so much, but this can never be allowed to happen again, and what time I still have left to make things right I will attempt to do so.

In any case don't worry overly about me. I am self-aware enough to know when I'm crossing the line from a natural guilt to a self-indulgent self-loathing, and that is not something I will ever allow to happen. Of course I want to feel bad when I know I've done something wrong, but I also know enough to know that feeling bad and guilty and all that is worth nothing on its own. But you can't begin to set things right until you admit that something is wrong. So this is what this is. I can't lie and say I don't too have my self-destructive tendencies, but I also think that's something everyone has to deal with, and on that note I would say don't worry about me cause I'll pull through.

Might I be too late in coming to this realization? I am afraid of that. But I also have to trust that I'm not, that there is hope yet, and it doesn't come from me.

I have to learn anew what it means to be a leader. I have to re-learn what it means to be a friend. I have failed in both these regards, but I also have to believe that I can emerge from this better and stronger. I am not so brittle that this is going to break me, but I need to seriously reconsider so many aspects of my own life. Before trying to influence anyone else. I need to get myself right first.

As I mentioned, I'm not looking for suggestions, or for people to tell me how I've been a good friend/leader etc, or whatever you might think will make me feel better, because that's not what I need in this season. What I do need is wisdom, humility, peace. I do need help, so please do pray for me, that I may know what I need to do, how I need to grow. I need shalom peace over my life, because even as much as I am self-aware, this is still dangerous for me, in some way or another.

Thanks for reading this, whoever you are.