On Leadership.

This is not actually going to be a definitive post on leadership, something that I've had to come to terms with regularly, something that supposedly I've been trained in professionally, but something I'm still hazy and unsure about. Which might be a good thing, actually, cause at least it means I'm thinking about it? What I'm saying is despite the title this post isn't actually going to be very useful. Well, what did you expect from me?!

I just was at a church meeting the other day where I learned a lot about leadership. It's something that's been on my mind quite a lot lately too, so that was timely. It might be prudent here to say that my views are my own and represent no organization etc and is not intended to serve as anything but a reminder for me. I'm likely to just ramble on and type whatever comes into my head, so I don't want anyone to equate anything here with any of the institutions I belong to.

I came to the surprising conclusion recently that I am a professional leader. I've been trained as one for a number of years now, and I have been one for the last few years too. I assure you this is no ego-trip.. But that is pretty much my job description, no? To lead men. There is that distinction between managers/commanders/leaders too, but I won't get into that here.

The context of these thoughts was the realization that I needed to step up, level up, do more. I know, probably, more than anyone else what I'm capable of doing, how capable I am of not doing, and the massive disparity between the two. I've been willing to let myself go, in the process affecting many others as well, without understanding the consequences of my actions. Or inaction in this case.

As an Asian community we're still really young, and nobody, I think, knows really what to do with it, or where we're going. I'm not trying to say I know the answers, or I'm the best person to answer those questions, but the problem so far has been that I've been happy not to know. I've been happy to let things slide, not take responsibility for anything, not speak up when I see things going perhaps not as well as they should.

The questions I had to ask myself over the holidays really were: What's going wrong? Am I a part of what's wrong? Is there anything I can do to make things right, or at least better? How can I contribute? What do I bring to the table? Many of these questions were mixed into bigger ones of self-worth and growth, figuring out my journey etc, which I might or might not talk about sometime soon.

And I found out that I had answers to those questions, and I couldn't be satisfied with them. I can do so much more than I have done so far, it's always been a matter of how willing I've been, which up till recently, has quite frankly been not willing at all. If I can contribute in whatever small way, then I should. It might not be anything lasting or permanent, but it will be something.

I don't want to look back at my three years here and regret the way I spent my time. Regret the things that for whatever trivial reason, held me back from achieving the things that I believe I can achieve. I've been called here for a purpose, and even if this might not be it, I think it will at least go some way towards helping me figure it out. I have said that I am quite satisfied already with what I've done in my time here, that I can go back now and be happy about the way these few years have went, but that's not stopping me from doing more, and it shouldn't.

There has, to be perfectly honest (without trying to sound overly dramatic), a crisis of leadership that has caused so many of the problems we've been facing. And this isn't finger-pointing, because it starts from self-leadership, which I feel like we've all failed, individually. No one, it seems, was willing to take responsibility for how things were going, and that's a collective thing. As a team, a unit, then, we failed. I could see where things were going and I did nothing to correct that. Each of us probably did. But this awareness, I think, has finally spurred me to action. Maybe being older, it being my final year and all, makes it that much more important to me. But I can't help but feel at fault here, especially given my training, how often I've been told being a leader means you have to speak up when you feel like something's wrong, actual formal modules on Leadership etc.

Having said that, I do recognize that blame/guilt isn't very useful here, so don't worry this isn't about that at all, more like a note to myself on a lesson learnt here. It's a painful one to learn, to emerge after a bout of introspection and realize how lacking you've been, but it's not as bad as it could have been either, so thank God for that. I have had feelings of inadequacy and moments of self-doubt, but I think I have to trust that what God has started, He will finish too. Too often, I think, I allow my own self-doubt to drown out what God has in store for me. But I'm living and I'm learning.

So what did I learn on Monday? I learnt about the importance of strong leadership. I learnt it is important not to let emotions carry you, that good leadership has to go beyond emotions. While good leadership often works on an emotional level too, it has to work beyond that to really speak to people. I learnt that it has nothing to do with being celebrated or recognized, that sacrifices aren't really that if you're looking for something in return. I learnt that strength goes beyond the visible, the obvious, it isn't flashy, and it isn't self-serving. Strength is worthless if it is selfish, it is worth nothing if it is not used for others.

Hmm I think I shall end here actually. Not that I don't have anymore thoughts but it's kinda all over the place now, and I feel like I've said enough (to myself) now. And I've got a metric ton of photos left to upload before going for a weekend away so I better get it on like donkey kong. This was just a break in a rather productive day actually! Thinking of cookies next yey.