I Sea Change Within.

How easy has it become, to some of us, to start thinking that “Yes Lord, I am willing to serve You” but are unwilling to actually grow in the Lord? Yes Lord, I am happy serving in church, I am happy to be part of the Asian team, I am happy to be called a leader, but to grow in You? Oh no, no, please. I’m perfectly happy where I am now; please don’t ask me to grow any more. Isn’t serving regularly enough? I’m taking time out week after week to pray, to attend meetings, to talk to Your people! Surely that’s enough God; please don’t ask me to grow. If You love me You won’t ask this of me!

How easy has it become for us to become so afraid of what God has in store for us? Because we are so comfortable with where we are, with our current level of “spirituality”, with our current “faithfulness”, because we feel like we have achieved what God requires of us, that we have fulfilled a certain requirement, a certain Christian-ness. What comes next? A little part of us asks. The other parts, however, try desperately to ignore that question, to tell ourselves that that is irrelevant, that we’ve done enough, it’s so tiring! And succeed at doing so. We don’t want to confront the fact that we’re not quite there yet, that God still wants us to grow, that He wants us to draw yet closer to Him.

I play DotA all the time. Do I think God wants me to play it all day? Probably not. But I also ask myself, why would He not want me to play, to do something which I enjoy? Of course God wants me to enjoy life! And so I conveniently sidestep that uncomfortable first question, and find I am able to live with myself for spending hours on quite frankly, a meaningless game, which serves no purpose other than to while my time away and to frustrate and anger me. Even the enjoyment I derive from it serves only to get me more hooked onto it. But DotA is an easy example. It’s quite difficult to argue that it something desirable. It does, however, get difficult once we get to something like studying.

It’s quite hard to argue against studying. You reap what you sow, etc. But I think we have to stop in our tracks once in a while and ask ourselves this: How much of how hard I’m studying is truly necessary, and how much of it is because I’d rather trust in my own hands (minds) than in God? Not because I don’t trust God, of course, but what if..? What if He doesn’t pull through this time? What if He doesn’t want me to score well? I’d understand if God does but my parents… well no. I can’t take this risk. Or maybe some secret part of us wants to be able to claim some glory when we do well, so outwardly we might say “Thank God for my results!” but deep down we’re actually thinking “Yup, knew I could do this. I am smart and I can study.” Our flesh is always self-serving; it’s always craving for some glory, to boast in its own works. We have to be able to inspect ourselves and see whether we are doing what we’re doing to satisfy ourselves, because we’re trusting in our own efforts, instead of actually trusting God.

It’s the most important things to us that we find the hardest to entrust God with. God, take over my life! Except this one thing, cause it’s so important to me... You understand don’t You God? Just in case God doesn’t pull through this one time… Let me hold on to it just in case, it’s like having some form of insurance. I think everyone does that. Is it possible to trust God 100%? I’m not sure, frankly. I can’t say that I ever have. But I think what happens is that if we trust God with only 30% of what’s important to us, then He only has that 30% to work with. Maybe this explains why it’s the things which we hold dearest to our hearts, the things that we care most about, that sometimes feel as if God doesn’t care about.

It’s so easy to say, Let God and Let God, but how many of us are truly willing to let go of the things we hold most dear? I was just reading the Bible the other day about the rich young ruler who came across Jesus. We’ve read that story so many times it’s easy to discount this guy and just think, Oh the trappings of riches! That it’s just a story about money and possessions, which of course, as Christians we should be released from anyway, so whatever. But what do we consider the riches in our lives? Our family, friends, health, looks, smarts, studies etc.? Are we willing to give up any of these? I’m not saying God is asking us to, but if we ask ourselves this question and we come up negative, then what does this say? It says that we’re letting these things take precedence over God. God doesn’t want us to be rid of all these things which are important to us, because He knows that they are, but we have to realize when we allow them to take pole positions in our lives instead of putting God first.

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I kinda had these reflections a number of days back, after a series of rather illuminating (if also slightly painful) conversations I had with some of the only people I find myself able to talk about such things about. Not that I started out with the theme of "How easy" but a retrospective look over my life as I've lived it so far quite clearly tells me this: that I've so often managed to convince myself to take the "easy" way out.

I've always gone for, maybe even made it a point to, self-reflection, introspection and all that jazz. And I can't say it's not worked, or that it's not been necessary. But bottling things up, occasionally letting fly in random blog posts perhaps, doesn't quite achieve the same things an actual conversation does. And I'm thankful for the people in my life who are willing to have those conversations with me. Dispensing advice to people is surprisingly cathartic, and many of the things you have chosen to suppress somehow get dealt with in some weird way as well.

Anyway it's well and truly December now, and it's come to my attention that I've got just about 6 months left of formal education? An insane thought if ever there was one. Maybe it's time for me to actually get educated, instead of bum about facebook etc. 4 essays beckon, but there ya go. Procrastination at its finest. There is this thing though, the past few weeks have witnessed kind of a sea change in me. At the risk of sounding uber-fanatic, what's been going on is me allowing more and more for God to be at the center of everything I do.

I'm more than aware of how far more I have yet to go, but I guess faith means that the large distance I can see doesn't matter, only my belief in my God, the belief that He wants me to change and that He will help me in effecting that change in my life. "All these things I have asked of you, but I will be with you also."

I suddenly have this thought that I've gotten almost all I've needed out of my overseas experience. I will not be too distraught at leaving for home in 6 months, I guess. Sure, I'll miss this place but I think the reasons for my being here have almost all been achieved now. Unless God has some incredible surprise left for me! Just last year I was hoping that I'd chosen a 4 year course instead, but facing the prospect of a return for good next year, I can say almost with certainty that probably the things I'd set out to achieve, to prove - to myself or to others I'm never quite sure which - I have managed to do. Whether I've done so successfully or not is quite another question, but what I'm trying poorly to say is that probably having one more year wouldn't make that much of a difference.

I'm looking forward to coming home. In fact, I'm almost ready to say that I'm ready to come home now. Maybe I'm not there yet, but I'm more ready than I ever was. To understand what home really means. To be embraced not just by the warmth of a better (not pulling any punches here sorry England) sun, but by the warmth of my family. As a better son.

Sonship is not a concept that I've ever felt a need to explore or examine very closely, and I'm not trying to glaze over any familial problems we've had over the years. I just have never felt that there was an issue there. Maybe in some ways it has affected my walk as a Christian, my relationship with my family? I'm not sure. Nor do I feel a blog post is the place for me to talk about it even if there was, there is this perverse sense of.. voyeurism maybe? attached to the very act of blogging, a very public act of sharing psuedo-private things, but more on this another time perhaps.

But I do feel like I am slowly but surely arriving at a better understanding of what sonship truly means. And do I hope that it will help me in my relationship with my parents? You bet. I know I came to the UK for a reason, that it wasn't just an idle dream that somehow managed to get fulfilled. There's something more behind it. And if it results in a better relationship with my family then I thank God for that. And a better relationship with my Father too. I'm currently reading a book called The Return of the Prodigal Son, loaned to me by a precious friend, and who knows, maybe when I'm done with it I'm gonna be even more crazily next-level with my sonship haha.

I realize this, and probably a few of my last posts might seem like quite a marked change in direction from before i.e. a reticence on matters of faith and God. (A sea change, if you will, but I cringe at the thought of using a good phrase twice in one post, if ever.) But what else is a blog for if not to document such changes in a person's life? I mean, just perusing my first few ever blog posts.. I can think of no greater shame.... It's not meant to be some populist platform with which I intend to launch some charm offensive, although I'm aware also that at times that's exactly what I tried to do sometimes. Who can say they're immune to the pressures of perception? But I treat this as my electronic diary, almost, although not nearly as private or close to my heart as an actual written (i.e. no one else should read or can decipher) diary. My most private musings, the really raw stuff, the most bitter of resentments, disappointments, the most ecstatic of hopes, dreams, those things I'd scarcely project to my admittedly limited audience. But I guess it's a way also for my friends, for people who actually care, to track my growth as well. Cause I don't often find myself in the business of sharing all that much, so maybe this is the only way my friends can find out how I'm actually doing, just about as honest as I'm ever going to be. Maybe. Some of my posts I actually specifically tailor to address/impress a particular person. Shameful display.. But I am what I am. Warts and all.

On the subject of "I am what I am" actually, I did have a couple of thoughts a couple weeks ago, after bel's visit, about the danger in such thinking, and it's about..

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The danger of modern science, explanations, and "Why so and so.." Psychology, biology, genetics, astrology. Nature or Nurture, what defines us? That's the wrong question to ask, really, cause it is God who defines us.

We seek to feel "better" about ourselves by subscribing to all these "comprehensive" theories which try to explain us, and in so doing, pigeonhole ourselves into these labels. Daddy issues. Childhood trauma. Second-child syndrome. Leo personality. Introvert. INFP. I'm not saying these things don't exist, or are wrong. But it absolves us of the need to change what we know to be wrong about ourselves, by giving us a cop-out, saying, I was born this way. Or, I was raised this way. Whichever side of that fence you sit on.

But that's a stupid fence. It is a fence that serves only to get in the way. So often we can't see past this stupid fence, and we keep returning to it, and we get stuck. But we can sidestep it by turning to God. He is the One who defines us, however Nature or Nurture decided to mold us. He created us, not these false gods. If we focus on Nature vs Nurture, we become entrenched on explanations for why we are, when God is trying to tell us who we are.
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I probably can go on more but I'm actually supposed to start on my essay anytime now. This is rich pickings, though, so much more about pseudo-psychology, the comfort in things like astrology, the feel-good tactics in so many of these.. hoaxes I want to say. False glimmers, helping to cover up the truths so many people are unwilling to confront. "Yep, musta failed that interview cause this week isn't a Libra's week!" Come on, get off of it now. As I said, rich pickings, and a topic that makes me quite angry if I ever stop to actually think about it.

Oka doka then, see ya'll.