It's Soul Business Not Show Business.

Okay so, this is going to be a confession of sorts. Or perhaps the makings of a resolution. What's been going down in my life is basically this: absolutely nothing. I freely admit I am a ridiculously horrible student. I've watched 3 seasons of Game of Thrones (read: truly incredible) and 1 of Breaking Bad. Today I woke up at 4pm and was hit by the realization that I am truly a wreck. I can't rightly say it was a sudden realization, cause it's not so much creeped up on me but smacked me in the head everytime I look out my window and realize the sun is shining in by the time I lay my head on my pillow to sleep every single day. But I've conveniently managed to ignore the sense of horror for almost 3 weeks now. I keep thinking that okay, maybe tomorrow I'm gonna change. But really, when you're waking up at 4pm with the sun already dimming, those sort of days aren't the kind where you're in the mood for change.

I managed to convince myself that the 9 months a year I spend in the UK in uni are basically my holidays, the super-lengthy calm before returning home to work every year. But this is my final year now, and really I can't afford to do this any more. Somehow when I'm home I wake myself up every morning at 5.30 to go to work but I spend every single day here just watching shows and playing games. What's the difference? And I guess it's this - duty. Back home I know I have a duty to go to work, that shit will go down if I'm not there. Here, my going or not doesn't quite seem to affect anyone at all. I don't go to lectures with my friends, or tutorials, we just happen to meet if we do. Nobody could care less whether or not I'm there, I owe it to no one but myself to go, and I have managed to fool myself into thinking I don't have to. It is colossal stupidity of the highest order.

But today I woke up and felt utterly horrified at myself, oh my god what am I doing?! So here is my simple resolve to be better. At everything. At life. Studies, family, friendships, cooking even.. At all the basic things. As a case in point when I cooked myself a meal, for the first time in a long time I prepared the ingredients properly instead of making it up on the fly, and making a hash of it usually. A terrible example, to be sure, but it hopefully conveys the sentiment of my wanting to do things properly now. To no longer half-ass every damn thing I do, as I am wont to. Just the other day I had this presentation which I mucked up horribly, much to the chagrin of my group mates probably. What a horrible sensation.

The word I had in mind actually was this - Christ-like. I guess I've been a horrible representative of Jesus lately, in fact almost all the time I've spent in the UK. Lazing about, hiding under my duvet watching shows, I mean how ridiculous is that?! I guess my other resolution is to be done with my apologeticism for my faith. If something is really important to me, then surely I should be able to proclaim it however I want. And yet I find I censor and restrain myself in order that I may be.. I don't even know. More acceptable perhaps. I'm done with that too. I guess an appropriate term might be "people-pleasing" or simply the basic need to fit in. You know what, stuff that. My God is a good God, and I really shouldn't be ashamed to tell people that, but there it is. It's really hard to tell someone that, no matter how close I am to them.

It's probably borne out of some deep insecurity, or self-doubt, or God-doubt even, I don't even know. But the funny thing is that God doesn't care now, does He? Not about your flaws, your insecurities, your self-esteem issues. He takes you and He uses you. I had this image in my mind the other day of myself as an enraged teenager in a LAN-shop. And God knows there are plenty of those images floating around people's minds, cause I was one helluva angry kid. (Sorry anyone who's ever played DotA with me hahah) So get this: somehow God looked at this enraged child and decided, you know what, I'm going to send him to Uganda one day to teach kids there. I'm going to plant him into the children's ministry of some church in the UK in some city that at this point he's never even heard of before. I'm going to make him one of the team members of the Asian community in this church. How insane is that? I mean, really God?! What were You thinking! This pompous idiot who shouted at his closest friends just because they perhaps weren't as good at him at some video game?! (to be fair, it was quite hard to be as good as I was.... hahaha sry.) Anyone else would have crinkled their nose in distaste and discounted me as soon as they saw that side of me, but not my God. He is perfectly faithful even through our imperfections.

That is the thing though, I've always used that kind of thinking as some sort of crutch. Oh, if I laid in bed all day things would still work out to the good. That entire season of Twin Peaks was entirely in God's plan for my life. I mean, really?! Of course at some level I don't believe in that, cause I'm calling it right now, that's bullshit, but at the surface level where I find myself operating all too often, I find I am able to convince myself of that. Not sure about you but I kinda have this niggling suspicion that following in Christ's footsteps doesn't quite involve lazing around for 3 weeks in a row playing Final Fantasy and Smite.. But there you go. The incredible things I have managed to let myself think.

It's funny how I completely believe in God yet don't completely have faith in Him. How can I explain this.. Because complete faith is a massive risk isn't it? Knowing for sure that yes, He is there and He is real, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is one thing. Trusting him with my entire life? Another altogether. Because... what if He doesn't come through? What if for some reason it doesn't work out? Because complete faith opens you up to the possibility of complete disillusionment. At a cerebral level I know that's not going to happen, but at an existential level, am I really willing to chance everything? To be perfectly honest, up till today the answer has probably been a flat no. I'm not big on taking risks like that (see also: why up till now I've never had a girlfriend hahahaha).

I am afraid of God. By this I mean that I am afraid of what He has in store for me. It sounds pretty silly but I think at some level most people know what I mean. It's like I'm this pig and I'm perfectly happy wallowing in the mud and the squalor of my own choosing. Do you see what I mean? Yes, I know all this is bad for me.. but I am perfectly happy to be where I am! And so I choose to remain there, stagnant, in a shitty environment that I am familiar with. Hmm I'm sure I can explain this better. Maybe my pig metaphor is pretty shit.. I'm afraid of God's glory, what He wants me to grow to be, because I'm perfectly content where I am comfortable, even if it's a middling life of mediocrity. Please, please don't ask me to step out into God's plan for me. Leave me be.

I know I could be better, I could be more. But I don't want to be. I'm happy where I am, and isn't happiness all there is to pursue? I must admit, at some point that's what I led myself to believe, that happiness is all. I think that premise could quite easily have collapsed upon any serious crash-testing, for example, happiness at the expense of others? You know, quite simple hypothetical questions. So my answer now is Jesus, and I trust that in so doing happiness too will follow.

I guess at its core lies this: that we're all creatures of sin. And let's not deny it, sin is attractive. It's why I let my eyes wander, why I feel the urge to shout at someone when I'm angry, why I'm so content with where I am. It's what my flesh craves. Just chilling, hanging out under my covers with my Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones. It is hard to deny ourselves that, cause who can say that's not pleasurable? But that's not how we're meant to live, no matter how much we try to convince ourselves of that. And God knows how often I've successfully conned myself into thinking so. So I guess here for posterity shall lie this one resolution, that this will be the last time I get all self-aware and ashamed of my degradation.. Because I know if I really want to change, I can, not by my own strength but by my Saviour's. Really the question is only whether or not I want to.

Hmm okay guess I kinda ran out of steam here. Actually had quite a lot more on my mind but you guys are spared. For now. Moving on to other things which have happened, and good ones at that. Imagine Dragons was pretty darn sick, and I even met Sam there absolutely by chance, how impossible is that?! Hanging out with broko and sisteryu was pretty fun too, and finally had a taste of Betty's Tea Rooms at Harrogate! What a dream come true.. Watched Volcano Choirs with Aisyah the other day too, which was pretty decent although I did get a little miffed near the end at the self-indulgent banging of the drummer haha. There's just The Lumineers next Wednesday left, and then it's time for me to plan my december trip!

And as awkward as this is going to be, I have to share how my day was made. Even at 4pm and just having woken up, blearily glancing at my phone, I recognized immediately that this one message just made my day. Not gonna reproduce it here verbatim but it went along the lines of: "Dy!! Just wanted to tell you how pretty and cute (this-girl-who-will-forever-be-unnamed) is!!" Hahahahahahaha. What! I guess I have to be thankful that my friend thinks of me when she sees a pretty/cute girl ;-) I know you got my back yo! #truefriendshipindeed

Have to thank my man wongapong for introducing me to Milo Greene really. What an excellent band, have been listening to them for weeks on end now. And this one youtube playlist of What's The Matter, which featured on Grey's, so I managed to discover like millions of new songs, cause even though I've not actually gotten round to actually watching the show, I can tell you that they have some incredible music going on. Current soundworms being Adaline and NO, Keep Me High and Long Haul respectively, as well as Hit It by Miss Li. Dude, those songs are ridikz.

Oh yeah and one more thing. I made my decent meal in the afternoon and had the leftovers for supper. It's weird to only find out it was too spicy after you take a dump and realize your ass is on fire. Yep there we go. I call it as I see it. I'm not one to shy and flinch away from the hard truths. LKY can take a page out of my book anytime. Just not on the How Much Chili To Add page.

Oh and one more last final thing. I just wanted to say HOW MUCH I'M BEGINNING TO HATE STATEMENTS WHICH START WITH: That awkward moment when..... OH MY LORD PLS STOP ALREADY SOME OF YOU CLEARLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE WORD AWKWARD MEANS, AWKWARD MUCH? Also... I'm beginning to get a little put off by all those lists and things. I realize there is some value to some of them, but so many of them are so.. self-affirming I guess. And only because I just switched to facebook and saw the "17 signs sarcasm is your mother tongue of language style crap nonsense" (no that's not the actual title) and oh god the pomposity?! It actually got under my skin.. It's so full of people trying so hard to let others know that yeah bietches I be [sarcastic] [nice guy] [traveller] [toocoolforschool] [insert annoying image of self/what you secretly think you truly deep down are if anyone else would only have the eyes to see]. I get that some are amusing and yes I do enjoy some, especially the inspirational Places-to-go-things-to-see-food-to-try ones. But even as they occasionally inspire, more often I think they serve to demoralize by casting a very unflattering light and throwing into sharp relief our own inadequacies and sad, normal circumstances. Because no, you haven't learnt these 25 things before you were 25. Nor did you do these 18 things in your teens. Or have these 7 qualities that make you a geek/nerd/jock/champion/secretsuperhero. Or possess these 5 signs that you are truly happy. Or..

Oh dear lord I never knew I was so hateful and angry I'm going off to have a lie-down now bye.