To Not Be A Skeptical Friend.

It seems, these days, it's become increasingly easy to be a cynic, and to be increasingly skeptical. 'Tis terrible when you begin to doubt your friends. Why, you ask, is it that you are ALWAYS being left alone? Hmm? Left behind? Hmm? Why, you ask, is it that everyone else seems to be having a helluva time, when you're not around? Hmm? Why, you ask, has everything gone so... wrong? And all my searching yields no answer. It sucks, yes, to feel kept out of the loop. It seems, these days, one has to look elsewhere for what he used to have.

On another note, it seems that I myself am not blameless. Hah, in fact, am I deliberately acting cool and indifferent eh? Hahaha, maybe eh. I wonder why I don't feel.. the way I used to? Maybe I am much too afraid. Of? Well, dependence? Even though at that time I was yes, fostering it. Afraid of.. Intimacy maybe? That's a distinct possibility. Or I was afraid that she would like me? Although maybe that had been my goal all along.

You know. Pride, ego and the such. De yan could be like, the poster boy for those man. A spokesperson. Like, everyone is reduced to just... another notch on his belt. But when things get too.. out of hand for him, he begins to fear. How can it be that, when on one hand he tries his utmost for something, on the other he fears it? It's irrational and illogical, it doesn't make sense. And yet I continue in the pursuit of...... well, more notches. And occasionally I profess to have a deep-seated fear of such things happening. But it's senseless in the extreme. And I know it. Only when things begin to get out of control do I try to avert the disaster. But is it too late? Even now. Well I'm sorry.

Nevermind. And I'm beginning to feel the onset of an identity crisis too. I don't think I'm cut out to juggle so many persona. Especially when they seem..... far off from myself. Hah. It really is a dilemma. Should I mull over it and get all worked up and stressed? Or should I pull off my special form of escapism. Whatever, man.

I've got a headache man. I did the games proposal thing till 4 on sunday morning and it got lost. Screw it. The only thing I got out of that crap, was my headache. Which weakened my constitution and bestowed upon me my fever my flu and my cough. Screw it. It probably didn't help that I went to tiong bahru for prata after going to JE library. Worse, after that to Holland V for ice cream. Worse still, to the wine bistro until like 1.30 man. Holy crap. To reach home at 2 o clock on monday morning? It's no wonder I didn't go to school man. But truly, holland v is some kickass chillout place man. Although at like 75 dollars a bottle, you'd have to be filthy rich. Hah, at least I didn't pay. Man, to just relack and drink that damnedly expensive wine. A charmed lifestyle, I'm sure. But nope, not on a sunday night before school -.- that's suicidal man.

Bah. When are the........ boundaries of, I don't know, close friendship maybe, crossed? How do I make a tactful withdrawal without letting my suspicions be known? Are they even justified or are they merely the workings of a wholly fertile and imaginative mind? Damn. And well, I can't find anything to allay my fears. Hot damn. It seems there is no... safe way to escape too.

Escape. I guess as each day passes it becomes a more, reasonable prospect. A more achievable, believable prospect. Hah. But ever I am dragged back by well, stuff. Hah. Today it was a dish my momma cooked -.- but am I to be faulted for drifting off into the alternate parallel world I construct in my head? Worlds that............. could have been so real. Damnation. Hah. Truly we could have had so much fun. But you said no. Shizzle my wizzles.

Okay. Here are my resolutions. To be shallow but not callow. To not think so much or better still, not think at all. To be a friend to all and not ask all from my friends. To not be a skeptical friend. To believe in the goodness of friendship. To recapture the goodness in friendship. To ignore and forget. To create the desert again. To allow my heart to wither and be the barren wasteland it's been for so long. To recapture the void within. To stop.

Yep, stop it is.