To Guide Me Home.

When you get what you want but not what you need; stuck in reverse.

How frustrating it is. To know what I want and what I need and that no, they are not the same no matter how much I may wish otherwise. Ignite my bones indeed! It's strange to feel so helpless, futile, and strangely swept along... I've kinda grown to almost relish it, even. The predicaments you almost wish you never get out of. Ah, well - we'll see things out, somehow.

Quite apart from all that, life recently has been serving up much of the same dishes - work, predominantly and unfortunately (although fortune probably hasn't got all that much to do with anything) and friends, thankfully! Healthy doses of squash involved too, and quite a lot more beer drinking than I'd have expected of myself..

Good thing that professionally, at least, things have been going rather well I guess. Feel like I am currently at or almost at where I have to be right now - at least I'm pulling my weight. Even as I am typing here at 12.30am while my friends are working into the night haha.

I've had this odd sense of.. displacement ever since returning back home. What did I return to, after all? A career, family, friends, the future? That's what I'd begun to think in my final year - finally I'm going back home and resuming life once again! And so here I am. And? Sometimes it feels as if I'm running as best I can, but without realizing it I have led myself onto a treadmill, into a cage on a mousewheel. I'm not sure I fit in anywhere, anymore. Permanently transient. It's almost like something that's been cut out and stitched back - it's never going to be the way it was again. And perhaps that's the way it has to be. I guess I am figuring out what exactly it is I should be doing, what I want to do, all that jazz, except I feel waaaaay too fatigued to do it. Like all I do is get by, get by, get by. 3 short-long months and what have I to say of myself?

Okay dokes ta-ta all, then.