In Defence Of;

I've actually got heaps I want to unload so I'll start off with the trivial before diving into the depths of my soul and consciousness and the human psyche and the meaning of life. Why not throw in the cure for cancer and the solution to world poverty while I'm at it? Jkz, just gonna ramble on about some of the more mundane things that have occupied me, and some of the other things which required a little more thought. Also my faith. So hold on to your socks, or just switch back to facebook or sth if you think I ramble like La Rambla! (Longest touristy road in Barcelona, cause I name-drop like it's hot.)

Well anyways, this past few weeks I have been rather busy, and yet not, in that weird way that is only possible to the crazy minds of human beings. By that I mean I am working, staying-in for duties, sailing, in general tiring myself out greatly in service to our nation (the nobility!) and yet I feel like I am unoccupied, that I have so much time that I am not spending in adequate fashion. I am ending work daily and wondering, huh, is dota all I have to look forward to? It is a terrible, terrible predicament to find oneself in on an everyday basis. Probably because some part of me actually relishes the idea of going home to dota asap.. Not even kidding.

I did participate in the Singapore Public Policy Challenge early August, which was an excellent experience. By complete chance I bumped into my friend whom I met in Lisboa earlier this year and spent a pleasant day with, although it was slightly awkward after cause I wasn't sure how to talk to her haha. Lawyers unite, apparently. Also met a cute girl I spoke to on the first day but was completely at a loss as to how to talk to her on subsequent encounters.. Totally squandering my 3d2n experience. Except for the challenge itself of course, 24 hours of policy crafting at the wonderful Intercontinental (those buffets..) and getting to see how the public service works. I must say I came away extremely impressed by the public service officers I met, they clearly have a handle on the Singaporean consciousness, our laymen concerns and worries, much in contrast to the public image of them. They are very self-aware (self being the government) and very capable, so I came away in the confidence that we have got ourselves excellent people dedicated to serving our nation.

Okay going to launch into a tangent about Singapore and patriotism, entirely unplanned believe you me you. Just finished reading a book titled Heartlands, by Daren V. L. Shiau which has to be one of the best Singaporean books out there. Unpretentious yet authentic, probably a pretty rare combination for local writers. Why? I think writers in general come from a certain upbringing, a certain socio-economic background (who'd let their kid write without some form of economic stability? certainly not prudent singaporeans.) and yet, conscious of the fact that they're Singaporean, they might try to inject singlish, drop food names etc, in an effort to sound "authentic". I'm not sure how the book would come across to a non-Singaporean, however, and it is impossible for me to divorce myself from my own Singaporeanness and try to consider it from an outsider's point of view. So I'm not sure how good a book it can be considered critically. All the knowing winks and nods to Singapore culture, the brevity only understood by us.

Also, how relatable the protaganist is, his frustrations and miscommunication with both the "upper" and "lower" classes, deeply middle-class as he is. A heartlander. I think so many of the little things that we only appreciate, entirely untranslatable to our (relatively) silver-spooned friends, that we cannot see how they do not understand. Oh yes, the proletariat predicament.

Is it uncool to be patriotic? I'm not sure, but there certainly seems to be a proliferation of government-bashing and the like in recent years. I've always toyed with the idea of one day migrating, but all of a sudden I have come to the conclusion that no, I never will. Kinda early in life to be declaring something like that, but it's the only thing that can make sense to me (at least at this point in time.) Of all things, it was a completely random line in Murakami's Hard Boiled Wonderland that made me come to such a resolution. One of the fringe characters said this: I have spent so much of my life defending this place it wouldn't make sense for me to leave. Or something along those lines.

Which made me consider hard. Why am I doing what I do? I am serving my country, defending its people. I cannot give a concise answer, but in short, I believe in my country. I believe in its ideals, I believe in the way of life here, and I feel it is worth protecting. If I've come to this conclusion (at the age of 19, it has to be said, and we all know about the impermanence of youth and its ideals) then I have to ask myself: If I were to leave, what would it be for? And the only reason I can come up with is this - for myself. If I have come to the conclusion that this country is one worth fighting for, my leaving it means that despite that, I will choose to forsake it, and that can only be entirely selfish. That's the meaning of selfish - to work for one's self - and that is the one thing that I have resolved not to be. Doesn't matter the pay that I'm getting (or not getting), the opportunities I might have (for the advancement of self) if I get to choose (and yes, at this point thankfully I do) I will choose not to be selfish.

Leaving would mean I invalidate a large portion of my life. I have chosen to defend this country, so if I choose to leave, it would make a large part of my life's work worthless. I'd have been a mercenary, if you will. That's not to say I'm definitely staying in the force, cause even if I do I can still choose to stand by my belief in our country, and contribute in whatever little way I can. But leaving the country cannot make any sense to me, not a country I have decided to dedicate some of the best years of my life to. That's why it's not just a job, much as I like to whine about it, it is at the very least a commitment. One that I've made consciously, knowing all it would entail.

That's why I'm puzzled sometimes meeting colleagues who have decided from the get-go that they're leaving the force. Does that not immediately rob whatever you're doing of any possible meaning? Knowing that it has no real impact on you, that it doesn't really matter in your picture? I guess for anyone out there as well, holding whatever jobs. Suddenly everything is just a stepping stone to wherever you think you're destined for, the contract length only a signpost for you to leave. Sigh why do I have so many quibbles with modern life.

Yesterday I got quite riled at a friend who was boastfully explaining how little he did during re-service, in the process cheapening an entire institute, the experiences of thousands of other (possibly) motivated men, and me. Of course I took it personally. Just the subject matter is fine, plenty of people chao keng in NS and after, and that's perfectly normal. But you want to make it a point of personal pride that your platoon is that much worse than everyone else's? You want to cheapen the efforts of your sergeants and officers? In order to feel that much perversely better of yourself? Tell me how that is not perverse. Being proud of your uselessness as a soldier, of the utter futility in training you and your platoon. Good job, you made a complete shit waste of 2 years of your life, + another 10 ICTs, I sure hope you are proud of that. I hate it when people don't have the awareness to at least appear slightly apologetic about the complete fuck-all they have done. Instead they treat it as some sort of badge of honour. Yes I am treating it as a personal affront, because I have made a certain commitment and I hope my friends can respect that. Instead you get so proud of yourself for doing nothing, you work in some private company for yourself, you feel so good about yourself by putting down others. It's all about yourself. At least have the guts to feel ashamed about that, instead of hiding behind some ridiculous fucking bravado which has no substance to it whatsoever. Empty vessels and volumes and all that I hope you learn to think before speaking. Pardon the vulgarities I'm trying to make a point, and I am incredibly pissed off too. Call yourself a friend, really. Who goes around dissing someone else's profession like that? I understand people have different experiences and resentment and bitterness but you wanna pull down an institution I have chosen to serve, really? Thank you for your friendship, but no thanks. Yes, this is an exercise in protecting my own self-esteem because of my profession, but it is also the complete anger that someone would try to put down the efforts of so many others in order to fulfill the stupid immature teenager's maxim that slacking = cool. Please, get a grip, grow up. You want to profess to the whole world that you're some big-shot grown up drawing a salary now, I say wake up your idea. You've got a whole lot more growing up to do.

Well, I'm not trying to say I don't slack, cause Lord knows I do that and in insane amounts. But I'm not proud of it, please don't anyone ever think that. I was proud of it at some point, but I was young and dumb. I can't take any pride in putting in no effort at all, in fact it's a huge issue with me now. I know, painfully, what the trade-offs are, so when I don't study I know I'm not going to do as well as I should. I know that that doesn't matter so much to me anymore, that I consciously choose to travel, to do other things, although that leaves me sort of in a bind now. I know that my not putting in any effort has caused me to squander much of my vaunted "potential", I know I might have been doing a whole lot better than I'm currently doing had I not wasted so much of said potential. Because waste I did, and waste it is. Let no one try to boast that despite slacking they have done well, that's just silly. It just means you could have done better, so what are you on about? I used to think that way, that hey, I know I could have done better so whatever. But what's the end result? The end result is no results, and that is immutable fact.

What other consequence? This: that I do not know how to try even if I wanted to. I have no prior experience of working hard for anything. So now, even if I wanted to try exceedingly hard to get my first class, I would not know how to go about doing so. It is possibly the dumbest thing you have ever heard of, but there it is. All these years of feeling self-satisfied and content with mediocrity has brought me this. I cannot paw my way out of my mediocrity because I do not know how to. Forgive the self-indulgent bashing, but believe me this is not self-pity in any form, it is a truth that I have been unwilling to confront ever since primary school, secondary, helped along by a string of decent results in major examinations here and there. It's done me no favours, as I am painfully aware of now. I know how this might present, the self-indulgent rant of someone who's had a damn good life and is now whining about precisely that good life. But what I'm trying to convey is this sense that I could have been that much more, not just for myself but for others too. Which is what one of my divisional officers in MIDS said to me once: that I could have done so much more for the batch than what I ultimately ended up doing. I could be making real contributions but all I'm doing is nothing. Purposefully nothing, at that.

So now I am afraid to put in any effort into anything, because I've never done so, and if I do and it doesn't bear fruit, I'll have nothing to fall back on. I have not thus far been prepared to expose myself like that, no.

I think I shall end here actually, gotta go out to collect my passport soon. This post is decidedly darker that I'd intended it to be so /endofunplannedrant I guess. Sorry once again for the vulgarities but if I intend this blog to be a collection of honest reflections (which I do) then I shouldn't mince my words, even if I know I will regret them 5mins later, which I kinda do now but oh well. Actually wanted to talk about so many other things, but this is what tangents are 4 (oh yeah I am cool with number puns like that.) By the way today will be a perfect day cause 16th of september consists of two perfect squares, 16/9 = 4²/3² how I am not a math major I will never know.. Good day fellas.