Leaving Shadows On Each Other's Walls.

The beauty of winter. Everything seems beautiful, pristine. Your joy and your smiles frozen in time. Even your sadness and melancholy takes on a wintry sheen it probably doesn't deserve. It's the stillness in the air, the dead calm. Broken only by the hustle and bustle of frantic last minute Christmas shopping. And even that panic has a benign ring to it, a joviality to the desperation. It's the air of expectation. An expectation of good. Of the advent of the new year. Of the coming of spring. The blooming of flowers. Of life to start anew.

Possibly one of the most pretentious things I've written. Think I was somewhere in Portsmouth/London when I did this cause it's one of the drafts in my phone, probably on a long bus ride somewhere. I do believe in the magic of winter though. Especially the past few days where it's been snowing in Exeter, and pretty substantial stuff as well!

I had to get out of the house one night, cup of tea in hand, just to enjoy the silence. Such a sense of peace and calm I think is unique to the soft whisper of snow brushing against your face, falling lightly on your head. (My scalp now, cause no hair.)

I had to get out of the house cause I was doing something incredibly... I'm not sure how to describe it. Awkward. Or embarrassing. Probably true, that. But also something I felt I had to do? I'm not sure really. Wasn't trying to analyze my actions at the time really, kinda incredulous that I actually did it in the end. Awkwardburdenmonkey is me. Hoo boy.

What was I hoping to achieve? I really can't say. I guess the best thing now is if it's clean forgot, so I'm not embarrassed for life. Actually, no. Was hoping for a reply to be honest, but guess it's pretty uncomfortable to, not that I know what reply I wanted to get anyways. Thanks? Reciprocation? Hahaha unlikely. Umm. At least hope it didn't come across creepy or anything, even though I probably did. Gee. Life sure is hard.. Hahah.

What was I thinking, what was I doing? I guess.. it was to be honest. Maybe not just honest, but real. Something I've been thinking about sometimes in the past week or so. I would say I'm an honest person. I guess it's impossible to say I never do, but as far as possible I don't lie. Half-truths, or concealing the full, I probably do here and there, but I like to think that lying is not something I do. And yet, there's a difference between being honest and being real. I might be honest, yes, but am I real?

I'm not sure. I guess this is yet another part of... not so much my current identity crisis, which I don't believe it is, but my personal identity dialogue. Quarter-life 21st birthday syndrome, possibly! What does being real to myself mean? I just watched Drive, Lars and the Real Girl, All the Real Girls and Blue Gate Crossing recently, which might or might not have affected my thoughts in some way. I guess they did, or not what's the point of movies? Rewatched Drive cause I thought it'd be better upon second viewing, and that definitely worked out. So good. Then Lars because of Ryan Gosling (mancrush.)

Lars asks, how do you know you've become a man? The reply was, when you take responsibility, when you start doing the right things, even when it hurts you to do so. (Probably wrong cause I'm just plucking from memory, but the gist of it is there.) And the Driver. That's kinda who I always imagined myself to be. The who I was probably trying to be in secondary school and JC. Quiet, almost emotionally distant, that kinda person. And I probably was, a little bit. And I might still be, a little bit. But the image I project now isn't like that at all. And I'm not sure right now which I'd rather be. They used to call it emo back in the day, some people actually said that I looked angry all the time, which I don't think I was haha.

But.. it felt me. At the time at least. Despite growing pangs and social awkwardness and painful self-consciousness, and the myriad other plights of the adolescent.. Now I'm not, I'm not sure why. Not that I don't feel the need to "emote", I guess I just don't do it in front of others. Instead now I'm more cheerful (arguably happier) and joke and make a fool of myself etc, which I wouldn't say feels unnatural, but I just wonder, what happened to the old me? Sometimes I'm glad I'm not the old me. In fact most of the time I am. But sometimes I wonder whether I've been forced to change, and whether it has been for the good.

Um yeah. This is actually pretty weird because I feel fine. I'm not feeling particularly down or anything, definitely not anywhere near where I've been before, in fact I'd say that right now I'm pretty happy. Happy things are happening in my life. I mean I did just potentially make a complete ass out of myself but it kind of feels right anyhow.

Why shouldn't we live in a world where we are able to say what we mean? Where we can say nice things to other people, strangers even, without worrying about being misintepreted, being creepy, looking like you have ulterior motives etc. If someone's made an impact on you, you should be able to tell her so. I don't know. The world's too interested in playing games and hiding behind facades and false pretenses (not sure if that makes sense or is a bad example of redundancy.. cause pretenses are false surely? horrible sidetrack here) to be truthful. Or telling the truth, saying what's really on your minds, in your hearts, has proved to be too painful over the course of human experience.

So we shrink and we shift and we shirk away from what we really want to say. We end up saying everything except for the things we truly mean. I think.. I don't want that. I don't want to be like that. But I can't help it sometimes, of course. Maybe it's become an integral part of the social structure somehow. You don't say what's really on your mind, and I won't too. That way we're both safe. What do? Idk, random thoughts one friday morning.

Sorry if this is going nowhere, I don't know what I'm trying to say either. Maybe being honest isn't worth it. Okay, that's probably not true. I mean being open, maybe. Who would wear their hearts on their sleeves now? The world's too cynical, too suspicious for that. I'm not sure if I want to try. I can be friendly and cheerful and a joke, but I'm not revealing anything about myself. My secrets I will keep, thank you. Bah not sure what I'm going on about now.

Haha the random and possibly depressing thoughts I have when I am pursuing a seemingly hopeless cause. Sigh. Don't feel particularly shabby though, and I'm not sure why. Never had much hope in the first place maybe. Think it's more just.. no regrets. I don't want to regret anything, and that means I'm doing/have done/will do incredibly stupid things, which in the past the fear of looking retarded has always stopped me from doing. But what's the harm really? To be incredibly stupid and a fool and yet happy. New aspiration, it seems. God I feel dumb.

Speaking of which I got back the essay which I did while in London before leaving for Amsterdam, which I thought was the trashest of trashcan essays but I got 60%. Still incredulous about that. Was hoping for best case 55, thinking I'd get 52 or sth. Not something to be proud of, to be sure, and I'm not trying to boast about my incredible intellect, cause I was dumb enough to leave it to the last minute anyways. In fact it's a possible 70%, a 1st that I've just missed out on, so no, I'm not proud at all. It's amazement at the favour that gives me a 60% which I don't deserve. Grace and favour shall follow me all of my days, He has promised (adapted).

Hanging out with exchange students really showed me how utterly useless I've been with my time. I suspect each of them has done more in their 4-6 months in UK/Europe than I have in my 1.5years. This will be rectified shortly. I just bought tickets to Les Mis and Matilda in London, as well as Cats in Edinburgh. Have a little overnight trip in mind to maybe Topsham, or Clevedon. Rubbish timetable though, pretty hard to plan around meh.

Temper Trap too good, I think I'm gonna buy their CD sometime soon, although with Spotify now... Nah physical copies are nice, and the artistes probably get more money that way too? Not sure, but zapport for artistes pls. Their self-titled album, The Temper Trap, 2gd4wrds. Rabbit Hole, Leaving The Heartbreak Hotel, The Trouble With Pain and of course Trembling Hands.

Also the Drive soundtrack, got me hook line and sinker. Such appropriate songs, A Real Hero and Under Your Spell. Also Nightcall of course, but that's old news now. Gotta reiterate once more what a darling Carey Mulligan is. I think I'm watching either An Education, In The Mood For Love or Lust, Caution next. Rewatch, I mean. Not sure why I've been rewatching stuff lately. Normally I don't do that cause I kinda feel like I'm not making progress, but IDK. Maybe it was watching Closer again when it popped up on TV, which was amazing. Really has got to be one of my favourite movies, so many incredible scenes.

My friend asked me why I liked movies like Closer and Blue Valentine, which I thought was a pretty funny question to ask. Cause those movies are pretty depressing. But you don't have to feel happy watching a movie to enjoy it, sometimes it's just so well done and so beautiful you can't help but fall in love with it, despite feeling hugely depressed. Just watched Stay too, which was quite hard to watch cause almost nothing happy happens AT ALL, I don't even think there was a single joke in the movie, and it was confusing for the large part. With that ending though, everything falls into place and you look back on the movie and think, okay, that was good. I must say that although it wasn't particularly enjoyable when I was actually viewing it, it was worth it in the end.

Did I ever mention Hayao Miyazaki the director of magic? Howl's Moving Castle, Spirited Away etc. I'm gonna watch all of his films if I can find them, I think. Really breathtaking stuff. Tried to watch Apple of My Eye (那些年) but it's not to be found on Funshion!! Upset. Probably online though, so I'll have to watch that soon. People keep making me feel like a loser for not watching it yet sigh. Even my malaysian malay flatmate has watched it.. Worst Chinese in World.

I just got this beautiful new... book? called Building Stories. It's not so much a book as art, really. Quite pleased with that. Also The Spy Who Came In From The Cold, The Liar, The Psychopath Test, Vernon God Little, Odd and the Frost Giants, Crash, and Law Revision books. Hahaha. Suddenly books. Didn't mean to obtain so many this year but bookcycle too tempting. How to lug them all back home like that. Happy problems for happy people.

Hmm. Belfast was nice. The Irish are incredibly warm and friendly, it's amazing. Really liked the city and the people there too. Unfortunately didn't manage to go to Giant's Causeway, which warrants another trip to Belfast I reckon, but Carrickfergus Castle was pretty neat. Biggest camwhoring ever too, which makes for such a different type of travel haha. Pretty fun! Did buy my furry wolfhat which is alarmingly warm, thankfully, as it was snowing something dreadful out there. It was all so Calvin and Hobbes! Wish I had a toboggan and a pet tiger, that's all I needed then and there..

Also went for a run yesterday, kinda guilt tripped into doing so. Just about an hour or so, and it was really good. Felt like dying halfway through, naturally, but I pulled through and made it home just in time to get my butt into the only lecture for the day. Was gut. Went downriver, ran around the quay, uphills downhills etc, not too bad for an acclimatization run. Which I'm gonna pretend that was, cause I refuse to believe I've become THAT SLOW *)&@&*#!. Although given the prodigious amounts of food I've been eating since December.. I think I'm averaging 2.5 plates of rice per meal. Winter what are you doing to me. I hibernate and eat. Duvet too good invention. In one extreme circumstance I woke up at 8.30am and catnapped till 1pm. That's 4.5 hours of dozing off and comfort sleep. Srsly that's disgusting. Never has something so bad felt so good. Winter is such a good season, when else do you have an excuse to indulge in all these excesses i.e. food and sleep and be able to justify it? To every naysayer my answer is: it's the cold lah. Love winter. Although autumn still remains my favourite season... hahaha.

And discovered that I can do pull ups off this bikeshed structure outside my place, so I don't run the risk of destroying forevermore my wardrobe. IPPT and $200 here I come. I just saw facebook and saw that Alt-J are playing Singapore tmr. ARE YOU SRS WITH ME RIGHT NOW. One of my new favourite bands. I think it's for Laneway or something. Which naturally, only happens when I'm away from Singapore. Always seems like all the good stuff happen at home when I'm away, although Sebastian the crab would probably tell me all about green seaweed yada-yada.. Who am I to complain after Florence and the xx and TNAF and now soon enough Les Mis and Matilda and Cats? Although I'd much rather prefer sweating it out in Fort Canning Park or something..... NUT. Winter for Winners. Sweat for Suckers.

Sometimes feel like I want to say something, like there's something important I really wish to convey, but I open my mouth and my words get in the way. Or my fingers, apparently. For someone who prides himself on them, words are alarmingly difficult to get right. Sometimes everything just comes out wrong, and sometimes the irretractability of words is insurmountable. What is there, then, left to do? Sometimes, there is nothing left to do. Sometimes, there is everything yet left to do.

We live, we love, and we make mistakes. Then we spend the rest of our lives making it up to the people we love, the people we never meant to hurt, the people we tried so hard not to hurt but ended up doing so anyway. And so we live our apologetic lives, everything we do yet more ways of making up for one thing or another, being nice because we weren't, caring cause we never did, listening cause we were busy talking, loving because we didn't.

Depressing stuff, sorry, but this thought did germinate from the last scene in Closer involving Julia Roberts and Clive Owens, which I found incredibly sad. Ho wells. I'm not actually depressed don't worry. Although I did just lose about 400 dota games in a row, which is... upsetting. I love dota but it hates me, apparently. Story of life :'(

I know love does to pain what sunshine does to rain. Chanced upon this I'm not sure how, sometime back in December. Not trying to be nerdy here but it makes even more sense because of the water cycle.... Hahaha sry dunno how I made that leap. Take away the pain, fall in love again (did not even try to rhyme here.. subconscious too strong), fall out of love, here comes the rain. Rinse & repeat. Ad nauseam, ad mortem. Haha just had to throw in some latin there to look clever. But still. It's a natural cycle. But some people are scared even to try. And without rain there can be no rainbows (probably a fallacious argument but I don't care I am lawyer not scientist) unless by some weird chance you happen to have a prism sequestered (what a nice word) away somewhere.. So maybe it's time to lose that fear. Time to fall in love.

 Aha I know I'm reaching the end of a post/have nothing to say when I start using parenthesis and inserting incredibly retarded remarks in them, as well as using words like parenthesis.. and fallacious and sequestered. A Great Pretender. Pretentious I am not, cause pretenders must be shot. Death to pretentionismers! Okay this is a downward spiral. I shall end here, then. Must say once again, however, what a fool I am feeling right now. Not sure I've ever done anything so silly in life, but oh wells. No regrets. I am so embarrassed. GOOD BYES FROM THE AWKWARDBURDENMONKEY.