For What Is Love If Not Absolute?

Hello all. I had a very hapz day today. It was also a very miserable day. Allow me to elaborate. First I woke up too early for my 9am lecture, which sounds quite impossible actually. How is it even possible to wake up too early for a 9am lecture sigh. And I woke up due to hunger. HOW SAD IS THAT?! Felt so pathetic upon waking up. I also had a rather disturbing dream, although that might have been yesterday when I was taking a nap instead. Sigh one can only wish that some memories stay buried instead of coming to the surface every so often, dredging up a host of other equally unsettling memories too. HOWELL.

Anyway so I went for the lecture, despite my vehement insistence that 9am lectures are inherently wrong, but only because my tennis buddy jio-ed me to play tennis after. The sacrifices one makes in the pursuit of a healthy lifestyle. I think I played a little bit noober than I did the last time I played, which was unfortunate. No idea why my skillz seem so unstable, but I guess for a recreational sport it's not too much of an issue, so nothing to whine about.

After that we went into town to have lunch with some girls. I can't even begin to explain how seldom I find myself in such a setting, here in the UK at least. I've been mildly anti-social, to put it mildly. This seems to have changed in the last 2 weeks though, what with my partaying and tennis playing with strangers and all! I even met one of the pretty malaysian girls I'd been hearing about hahaha. By met I unfortunately just mean met though, I doubt she remembers me haha!

Anw it seems like I might not be such a recluse this year after all. I think one year of rather harsh (maybe a better word is extreme, or maybe aggressive) solitude is enough for me. I think I'm enjoying the company of others alot more than I did last year, which is perhaps the whole point of all that aggressive solitude. Definitely though I don't regret last year at all. I think it helped me figure out alot about who I am, possibly even who I want to be.

Have I ever mentioned one of the phrases that I came up with, although this one probably isn't very original at all, pretty sure I've seen it somewhere before. Anyway it's this. The only way to find yourself is to lose yourself. Or, you can only find yourself if you're lost. Or any number of variations on that, but it's sth I found meaningful after finding myself lost in almost every city that I traveled to. Especially whenever I decide to travel without maps. Oh possibly it's an adaptation of the one that goes: The only way to truly discover a city is to get lost in it. As ridiculous as it sounds, traveling alone just might be the only way you get the freedom to get lost, cause I doubt most people really like that at all. There's alot to be said for traveling with a friend(s) though, I'm not trying to say always travel alone!

Speaking of getting lost and traveling alone and continuing the story of my miserably hapz day, I decided to go to Torquay after all, even though it was raining feline mongrels. I left at 3.30pm and arrived at 5pm. I attempted to walk to Brixham (The Gem of Torbay.) but failed after 2 hours. I thought I took a wrong turn and was lost when in fact I hadn't taken a wrong turn and wasn't lost. Such sadness. Thinking I was lost when I wasn't, some crisis of self-confidence right there. Or it's cause I failed horribly at reading bloody google maps. Hahaha super cui. And it was raining that whole time. In fact, it's been raining non-stop since about 1.30pm, from Exeter to Torquay to Brixham back to Exeter again all the way up till now. FREAKING MISERABLE ENGLISH WEATHER. DO NOT LIKE.

So yeah, after 2 hours spent in the rain I caved in to common sense (with the added pressure of soaked socks frigid feet and chilled chuans) and decided to catch the bus. By catching the bus I mean wait miserably at the thankfully sheltered bus stop while trying not to freeze to death, instead of any macho pursuit which the term might suggest. 2.60 pounds though!! So ex sigh. At least it brought me rather rapidly to the pretty town of Brixham. I think it might be a really nice place in the day time, unfortunately I only arrived at half 7. It was rather striking nonetheless! Definitely worth the trip. Had myself scallops and mussels for dinner too, as promised! Had so much mussels I almost had shells coming out my nose, which doesn't make any sense at all cause I'm not dumb enough to eat shells. Really.

Of course the rain wouldn't be nice and subside while I was having my fabulous meal. So I had to make my way back to the bus station in the rain. Then I missed my bus stop for the Torquay train station, which resulted in a 20mins trek in the direction I had come, all in the rain of course. Probably barely missed a train too, cause the next one was in 40mins or so.

Well I then voluntarily left the station to walk off that 40mins, so I can't really blame the rain this time. I took the time to stare at the bay and the lights and the pretty reflections and to think. I never really think while I'm busy traveling, it's just hard to fit in any sort of contemplation while being caught up with the sights and sounds around you. So I got to think. And to talk. More on that later.

I finally caught the train back, and upon leaving the station promptly stepped into a massive puddle that only a pure blind fool idiot could step into. As if my shoes/socks weren't wet enough, or maybe they'd begun to dry out a little bit, but noooo I had to step into 5cm of water or something. Finally arrived back home, was challenged to a game of Speed, the card game, and lost!! Thus ended my happeningly miserable day.

Which is not the point of this post at all. In that 40mins of waiting for my train, I had myself some time with my God. I say that in the sense that it is a very personal thing to me, not that I have some sort of god which only I know of. I am not and never have been the most evangelical of christians. In fact, I rather shy away from any such acts because I find pushing your faith onto others a very uncomfortable thing to do. Not that it is wrong to do so, do not misunderstand me, it's just that I can't and don't do it.

I think over the summer I have managed somehow to get over a very prolonged dry season in my faith. Which is probably why I'm typing all this out. I thank God for my friends who asked me along to their church, which would be tong siang and amanda. It was in that service that I felt this urge to go back to my home church, missing as I did the services in the Rock auditorium. And so I did go back, much to my own benefit.

I had this talk with siang about my faith, in which I said that while I might not go to church very often, nor did I pray all that much, I always had that faith in my God. And that has always been true. It is my faith that no matter what happens, no matter what I do, no matter how much I mess up my life, or even the lives of others, my God will be there for me. I do not doubt that.

You might ask, but why? Why do you have this faith? That's almost an impossible question to answer. Because faith, well, it's faith. How can anyone explain why they have faith? Faith is the belief in things unseen, in a promise yet to be fulfilled. It's hard to answer the question. I can only take a look at my life and wonder, how would it have turned out without a God who's always there for me? If I were to be honest, everything that I've got is unearned, unmerited and undeserved. I almost never give a second thought to the "important" things in life like studying and the like, and yet I find myself here, in Exeter, in the UK, studying a degree that I want to study. How does that even make sense? Some people might say, oh, it's cause you're smart, or stuff like that, but I don't think that's explanation enough. No, when I look at where I am and what I'm doing now, I just see how incredible it all is, and how it can't be natural. Which leaves the supernatural, which is how I might explain my faith.

Faith. My faith is in my God's love. In His ever-present all-encompassing love, his omni-love if you will. God, to me, is love. And love is of God. And can only be of God. It is a divine expression, a divine emotion. Which is what I wanted to write about today. I think that what I believe is at odds with many other, maybe even most other people's beliefs. Even that of other Christians. I think that we all believe in the same God, but what we believe of Him is inherently different from each other. Everyone has their own personal experience and view of God, depending maybe on the way they were brought up, own beliefs, and so on. By which I mean to say who knows whose is the most accurate? But here is mine. Probably not a commonly held belief, so please do not flame me or anything pls. I just wanted to put it out there, maybe it strikes a chord with someone, or at least it brings God into contemplation. Any god, in fact, the god of your own beliefs, if you're not christian yourself.

I don't understand Hell. What is the point of eternal suffering? I don't think I will ever be given a satisfactory answer, because I would refuse them anyway. I understand punishment, but only to a certain extent. I don't think it would ever make sense or serve any purpose for someone to be tortured and to suffer for all of eternity. Because, why? No one punishes a child all his life no matter the mistakes he has made. As a deterrent, maybe? Looking at it from a post-Rapture, post-Apocalyptic point of view, this doesn't seem to make sense to me. So you've got those people in heaven, depending on who you're talking to this might mean lots of people or not (for those who believe that only does who have not sinned, or have not sinned too much get to enter) and those people who go to hell. This raises the question as well of, how much sin? Clearly if this is set at an arbitrary number it would be a rather ridiculous system, so there has to be other ways of qualifying people. All christians, maybe. Or only those who have confessed their sins. Or something else. As I have mentioned, it depends on who you talk to.

Putting aside that, you have those people in hell, who are to suffer for eternity. For whose sake to they suffer for eternity? Do they serve as a deterrent to the people in heaven? That can't be true, unless one is allowed to fall from heaven. Which can't be right, can it? Cause salvation is forever, and heaven is for eternity. So it's not for deterrent's sake. What then? Since I don't believe in eternal suffering for eternal suffering's sake, I don't see any reason why people in hell should suffer for eternity. It just doesn't make sense to me. I mean, it might and probably does make sense to someone else, which is why I'm sure most people would disagree with me.

Going back to the topic of love. I believe that love is divine, and is of God, and can only be of God. So what happens when you love someone who is not a believer? How can it be that a God who loves you would condemn a person you love to hell? I can't believe in that. I can't believe that a God whose love is all-powerful would condemn someone I love to hell. It doesn't hold water with me. If you view God as the Father, I can't imagine that any father would condemn his child's loved ones for any length of time, much less eternity. What more the divine Father? Even if that love is not by a believer, say someone who grew up somewhere entirely isolated. Never heard of God. Yet he/she is likely to have been loved, or to have loved. And love comes from God, doesn't it? (At least in my opinion, possibly you could answer no to that.) How can people who experience something that is of God be condemned for eternity to hell? I don't think I can believe that.

How can people who love be left to die to sin? Cause grace stems from love, or love from grace, and it is very opposite of sin. Where the covenant/doctrine of sin condemns, grace/love redeems, and forgives.

The God I believe in is one who loves too much, too completely, for anyone to be condemned to hell for all of eternity. It's not that I don't believe in hell, I haven't given it all that much thought cause it's a decidedly unpleasant subject. But if pressed I'd say that it does exist, I'm no Bible scholar but I presume there's mention of it in the bible. But I just can't bring myself to accept the notion of hell as a punishment for eternity. Does that mean that I believe that everyone goes to heaven? I don't know, I guess I do believe that it will happen eventually. Maybe repentance retains its power in hell too? I don't know, I can't know. But if the price has already been paid, why not accept more souls, even those which have been condemned?

I don't know. I'm not the most dedicated of christians, or the most zealous, or the most learned, or anything. I just have my faith, that is all. And this is what I have my faith in. By all means disagree or even disapprove, I'm not looking for anything at all. It's probably enough if you start thinking on it, hopefully I've raised some points that maybe make some sense to you. I hope you don't just toss it all aside, although I concede that you might find it utter rubbish. It's definitely not a common thing for me to openly discuss my faith cause I always maintain that it's a personal thing for me, so expect this to be a one-off haha. Especially cause this is one of my most deeply, possibly secretly, held beliefs. Of course if anyone ever wants to discuss faith I'd be more than happy to, cause I think there's never any harm in that, and it's probably beneficial for all involved! Just.. take it easy and try not to get angry, cause I can imagine that some people might get angry over this, cause I've probably blasphemed by disbelieving the holding power of hell or something. I just hope I've made my points clear enough that they incite thoughts not anger!

Anyway, that's all for today, I've rather exhausted myself typing cause I'm generally quite uncomfortable with sharing my thoughts like that, instead of all the superficial rubbish of other posts. For example, my newest musical crush is the band Portugal, The Man - which is probably one of the more awkward band names I've seen cause who the heck has a comma in their name?! Listened to Sleep Forever on repeat cause it's so good. And my old musical crush, dropdeadkxy recently just covered Alt-J!!! Always so exciting when someone seems to have a somewhat similar musical taste to you zomg.

Well this is all, for reals.