Pfft.

I'm not mincing my words here. I'm gonna whine and make up lame excuses, so I'm sorry.

I swear, today is the most fucking disappointing day ever. It all started in the morning, the proper time for things to begin. I went to see the 400m finals list and I wasn't inside. I honestly felt like a total retard, cause I never expected not to get in. So I had to put on like, a fake smile for the rest of the day when they asked me if I'm running. Fake smile, little shrug of the shoulder, make self-depreciating comments. Epic.

Lots of anger, an utter disbelief that I didn't qualify. I knew there had to be something wrong, but I couldn't get past my pride to go and clarify things. So I decided not to run. I wouldn't have run in the end, if not for the owens house comm asking me to run. I was pretty pissed alr la, like how can there be an error in the first place, and secondly why nobody tried to clarify it or inform me about anything. In the end I think it was something like some owens house comm members went to ask this dude to give up his place for me. I mean, how screwed up is that? Crock of shit. Thank goodness that guy was gracious enough to say, yeah. Or maybe not such a good thing. I'd convinced myself not to run cause if I did, it'd seem like I got in by default. So I was consoling myself saying "Oh wells you didn't get in aww too bad, dum dee dum." When I'm confronted by the fact that I was all of a sudden, miraculously in the finals.

Now that was even more of a fiasco. That was a piss-poor excuse of a run, it was a slow jog masquerading as a run. I was so ridiculously slow, I'd laugh at me if I saw me running. I mean, no offence to the like, one person who was behind me, but that was as bad a run as I've run since forever. I could have run faster in sec 3. That was a fucking joke. I'm incredibly pissed at myself, the world in general, for a run that abysmal. I was raging when I finished, like seriously. I wanted to lash out at something, blame anything for that performance.

Why the fuck do I only confirm I'm running 20 minutes before the fucking race. I ran during PC cause I thought I wasn't in the finals. I totally lost my mood to run. Yeah. Just great, destroy my self confidence please. How am I supposed to run when, in the morning I'm psyched and ready to run, by the afternoon I'm pissed off and demoralized, and by 6 I have to psyche myself to run the race again? I mean, yeah, those are lame excuses. But I was that angry. I am that angry. I think I ran 1.10 or thereabouts. How retarded is that? Of course, I think it was unfair to me, I'm a pretty sore loser. But yeah I agree I'm detoriating at an alarming rate. This is worrying. I also fail to perform anywhere close to my best when under pressure, or in any competitive setting. This is worrying too.

To my *snigger* fans and friends, thanks for the consolation and support. It's heartening to know that you, too, share my disbelief that I was that lousy. Some of you even came up with excuses for my dismal performance, just recovered from injury, jumped long jump, not prepared etc. While well meant, thanks but no thanks. I refuse to allow other people to make up excuses for me. I under-performed, end of story.

On the flip side, I am delighted for jialong and jotan. I was pretty surprised, I thought the J1 dude would win, but no, jialong had other plans in mind. Well congratulations, and to jotan too, pretty amazing.

I also did an exquisite one handed cartwheel and got my newest pair of boots. I guess that sort of balances out my day. Unfortunately engwah cinema sucks and west mall didn't have Benjamin Button or I'd have watched it. I hope it's not ending it's run soon, wanna watch it on the silver screen. Maybe if training doesn't end so late tmr.

On a sidenote, if you want to 玩多大, it's a good idea. I'm not half as pissed as I was before playing dota. But I'm still pissed, which says alot about how pissed I was. Okay I'm very tired and am going to sleep soon. I strongly suspect I'm not going to school tmr. Hmmm. Bad.

Well no worries, this is just a passing rage. I dislike remaining angry over long periods of time, and especially not at myself. That's retarded.

Signing off,
Emotionally unstable angry boy. :'( #/\/#(this is supposed to be self-mutilation, looks like right)