It was
One of those things you can only keep
To yourself.
Never sharing with another
Phone calls in the middle of the night
If only to reassure
The other that they were not
Alone.
How fragile and
Self-conscious she seemed
With too-much make
Up on her face.
How vulnerable she looked while asleep
As if she needed protection from the world.
She was good to me. Perhaps even good for me.
I can only hope that I too, was good for her.
Umm okay so that was one of the randomer things I came up with recently. Actually it's just a string of thoughts that I had for unknown reasons and I wasn't gonna put it up but then I thought whatever, what's a blog for if not to record down random thoughts and the like? I'm a big fan of recording and keeping random shit for posterity. That's why I own a whole shelful of weird'n'useless stuff to remember my travels by. And magnets. Heck yeah magnets.
You know how I thought I was being all stronk and manly by doing sports almost everyday? Well today I got my just desserts i.e. I crashed and burned horribly. I slept at about 1am last night and only fully awoke at around 5.30pm today. I did conveniently wake up for lunch at 12 but I promptly fell back asleep after, for you know, just a casual 5 hours more. It's disgusting. It's bad and I feel bad. And strangely good at the same time! Sleeping in doesn't have to make sense for it to feel good. Wooo!
So on saturday I decided I absolutely couldn't afford to waste the beautiful opportunity that the surprisingly sunny sun presented so on the spur of the moment I went off to play tennis. I'd already decided to play badminton later that afternoon so I thought, cool, I can be SportyMcDorky! 2 hours of tennis and 2 hours of badminton later, I was butthurt. No kidding. Could feel the aches in my ass with every step I took, sort of like a Police song gone wrong.
My strong masochistic streak is evident in the fact that I'd decided that on Sunday I'd have a kickabout to de-rust my football (sry the word soccer is banned here) AND play badminton again. Yeh buddy, plan was nice but body was bad. Hence the collapsed-in-a-sweaty-smelly-heap that I eventually became. Just kidding, obviously I took a bath and smelt of roses by the time of my faux-death.
Before that I went for church though, for the first time ever since being here. And the first time I've been in a Methodist church in, idk, something like 10 years? I've always thought Methodists were really solemn and sombre and depressing people, and I was glad to find that I've been mistaken all this while. Certainly their methods of worship are to say the least not quite as energetic as what I've become used to, but the people themselves were (at the risk of seeming like I only have one set of phrases in my vocabulary) to say the least, extremely warm. Possibly it's the fact that it's a rather small community church, something like 150-odd strong. But such nice people!
By the time me and my friend were seated, before the service had even started, we'd been approached by more than 3 people and invited to lunch! Not to mention after the service, where we had our photos taken and I had free tea over which I had a small delightful chat with an old lady. In literal form the whole depiction might seem rather creepy but in fact it was anything but. While I was slightly overwhelmed by the warmth and hospitality, it was a shock in the most pleasant sense possible.
I must say that I was quite taken (usage of the word absolutely nothing to do with Liam Neeson) with this warm homely Methodist church, and I would not be loathe to attend it again. I think that God's message to you can appear any number of ways, through any medium, it just takes some seeing instead of mere looking. Cause it's only too easy to look but not see. So yeah, I'm quite comfortable with attending a Methodist church despite not being Methodist myself.
Don't quite understand the need for all this labeling and denominations, though. One of the questions I've been most frequently asked after saying that I'm a Christian is: What kind of Christian are you? Which is rather awkward, really, cause I never have any idea what to answer. So I'll say, I'm not sure.. And they rattle off - Presbyterian, Protestant, Methodist etc etc?? And I'd be just as clueless. I think I'm charismatic, I'd say, referring not at all to my own inflated opinion of myself. But the question always stumps me. How do you say, I'm the kind of Christian who believes in God and trusts God, what else do you want? That sounds kinda aggressive though. Huh. Well whatever, I don't see it as anything of importance anw. The question, that is, not the fact that I might sound aggressive.
Huh. Don't you worry that with my newfound (well not exactly, more like newlyfound again) spirituality I'm gonna get all zealous and... how shall I put it... aggressively and blatantly Christian. Which I can't say is wrong, definitely not, but when I say I have a quiet faith in God I do mean quiet. So yeah. I'm all for multiculturalism and stuff and I'm aware the discussion of religion does make people uncomfortable sometimes.
So on to secular topics, which are equally and possibly even more fascinating, chiefly cause it involves my cooking. Not to mention the subsequent, quite amazing impressive fact that I survived said cooking. The wonders of life. Oh and girl issues, apparently. Hahahaha. How to phrase that without sounding like a sec2 kid struggling with the twin issues of girls and girls. While trying his darnedest to not squeak every other sentence. Curse you puberty!
My voice thankfully has been broken for a long time now, in case anyone has any lingering doubts. Girls however..... So I decided to cook tonight. Supposed to cook for 4 ended up cooking enough for 7. Honestly proportions are not my strong suit. Maybe I should learn to use a damn measuring cup instead of agar-ing everytime I prepare rice. But I would hate to wash the additional measuring cup, which certainly reeks of laziness, but I insist that sometime in the next 10 years I will master the art of rice agaration, if not quite agar-making. Speaking of which, I have made agar-agar a couple of times though that's quite a while back now, which bears no relevance whatsoever to my current story of course, but is pleasant to reminisce about nonetheless, not to mention the construction of quite possibly the longest sentence I've ever had the pleasure (or the misfortune) to construct.
First broccoli I've ever cooked, cause I've always been too lazy to go to all the effort of whipping out a pot and boiling them (same with potatoes and carrots) and of course the dreaded washing of pot. Unfortunately our spinach had run out, which certainly begs the question: Is there a sailor of certain fame who devours spinach so??? I'm referring to me, duh, not some Popeye guy of dubious celebrity. Okay I've just had to google a synonym for fame cause I couldn't cough one up myself. So. Bad. Sigh. Need to work my brain muskels more apparently. I'm all brawn and no brain! I'm a.... himbo omg.
Okay I know I'm leaving everyone hanging but to be honest the story isn't very exciting at all, I ended up producing a mince-beef + onion + mushroom + broccoli + sambal fried rice. The end! Or almost the end, cause it turned out to be very nice indeed, although possibly only to my palate cause only I could taste the blood sweat and tears that I put into it. Not that I'd ever bleed into my food, that's disgusting.
Oh yeah I think I've also taken ill over the past few days, although only very slightly, despite the best efforts of all this malicious rain. Almost negligible however, except for bouts of sneezing every now and then. It's a good excuse to stay in and read all day. Speaking of which, I've become quite addicted to this webcomic called Questionable Content. Which I only found out cause I'm a total loser i.e. full-time youtube comment reader, and I read about it in the comments of a Wilco song. Dorkyness overload.
Tried and tested formula of a yes-no-maybeso relationship between 1 x boy and 1 x girl, a la Bones and HIMYM and Mentalist and pretty much any other successful TV series out there, cause there's nothing quite like the tease is there! But yeah, I've done gone and read 424 strips of Questionable Content in the past 2 days, neglecting even my Terry Pratchett and Robert Jordan. I is adikt.
And someone might wanna try listening to Husky, this band which hails from Melbourne Australia, I'm really enjoying their album Forever So so far.
Well that's it, end of little update on status of life.
Tuesday, 9 October 2012
Saturday, 6 October 2012
For What Is Love If Not Absolute?
Hello all. I had a very hapz day today. It was also a very miserable day. Allow me to elaborate. First I woke up too early for my 9am lecture, which sounds quite impossible actually. How is it even possible to wake up too early for a 9am lecture sigh. And I woke up due to hunger. HOW SAD IS THAT?! Felt so pathetic upon waking up. I also had a rather disturbing dream, although that might have been yesterday when I was taking a nap instead. Sigh one can only wish that some memories stay buried instead of coming to the surface every so often, dredging up a host of other equally unsettling memories too. HOWELL.
Anyway so I went for the lecture, despite my vehement insistence that 9am lectures are inherently wrong, but only because my tennis buddy jio-ed me to play tennis after. The sacrifices one makes in the pursuit of a healthy lifestyle. I think I played a little bit noober than I did the last time I played, which was unfortunate. No idea why my skillz seem so unstable, but I guess for a recreational sport it's not too much of an issue, so nothing to whine about.
After that we went into town to have lunch with some girls. I can't even begin to explain how seldom I find myself in such a setting, here in the UK at least. I've been mildly anti-social, to put it mildly. This seems to have changed in the last 2 weeks though, what with my partaying and tennis playing with strangers and all! I even met one of the pretty malaysian girls I'd been hearing about hahaha. By met I unfortunately just mean met though, I doubt she remembers me haha!
Anw it seems like I might not be such a recluse this year after all. I think one year of rather harsh (maybe a better word is extreme, or maybe aggressive) solitude is enough for me. I think I'm enjoying the company of others alot more than I did last year, which is perhaps the whole point of all that aggressive solitude. Definitely though I don't regret last year at all. I think it helped me figure out alot about who I am, possibly even who I want to be.
Have I ever mentioned one of the phrases that I came up with, although this one probably isn't very original at all, pretty sure I've seen it somewhere before. Anyway it's this. The only way to find yourself is to lose yourself. Or, you can only find yourself if you're lost. Or any number of variations on that, but it's sth I found meaningful after finding myself lost in almost every city that I traveled to. Especially whenever I decide to travel without maps. Oh possibly it's an adaptation of the one that goes: The only way to truly discover a city is to get lost in it. As ridiculous as it sounds, traveling alone just might be the only way you get the freedom to get lost, cause I doubt most people really like that at all. There's alot to be said for traveling with a friend(s) though, I'm not trying to say always travel alone!
Speaking of getting lost and traveling alone and continuing the story of my miserably hapz day, I decided to go to Torquay after all, even though it was raining feline mongrels. I left at 3.30pm and arrived at 5pm. I attempted to walk to Brixham (The Gem of Torbay.) but failed after 2 hours. I thought I took a wrong turn and was lost when in fact I hadn't taken a wrong turn and wasn't lost. Such sadness. Thinking I was lost when I wasn't, some crisis of self-confidence right there. Or it's cause I failed horribly at reading bloody google maps. Hahaha super cui. And it was raining that whole time. In fact, it's been raining non-stop since about 1.30pm, from Exeter to Torquay to Brixham back to Exeter again all the way up till now. FREAKING MISERABLE ENGLISH WEATHER. DO NOT LIKE.
So yeah, after 2 hours spent in the rain I caved in to common sense (with the added pressure of soaked socks frigid feet and chilled chuans) and decided to catch the bus. By catching the bus I mean wait miserably at the thankfully sheltered bus stop while trying not to freeze to death, instead of any macho pursuit which the term might suggest. 2.60 pounds though!! So ex sigh. At least it brought me rather rapidly to the pretty town of Brixham. I think it might be a really nice place in the day time, unfortunately I only arrived at half 7. It was rather striking nonetheless! Definitely worth the trip. Had myself scallops and mussels for dinner too, as promised! Had so much mussels I almost had shells coming out my nose, which doesn't make any sense at all cause I'm not dumb enough to eat shells. Really.
Of course the rain wouldn't be nice and subside while I was having my fabulous meal. So I had to make my way back to the bus station in the rain. Then I missed my bus stop for the Torquay train station, which resulted in a 20mins trek in the direction I had come, all in the rain of course. Probably barely missed a train too, cause the next one was in 40mins or so.
Well I then voluntarily left the station to walk off that 40mins, so I can't really blame the rain this time. I took the time to stare at the bay and the lights and the pretty reflections and to think. I never really think while I'm busy traveling, it's just hard to fit in any sort of contemplation while being caught up with the sights and sounds around you. So I got to think. And to talk. More on that later.
I finally caught the train back, and upon leaving the station promptly stepped into a massive puddle that only a pure blind fool idiot could step into. As if my shoes/socks weren't wet enough, or maybe they'd begun to dry out a little bit, but noooo I had to step into 5cm of water or something. Finally arrived back home, was challenged to a game of Speed, the card game, and lost!! Thus ended my happeningly miserable day.
Which is not the point of this post at all. In that 40mins of waiting for my train, I had myself some time with my God. I say that in the sense that it is a very personal thing to me, not that I have some sort of god which only I know of. I am not and never have been the most evangelical of christians. In fact, I rather shy away from any such acts because I find pushing your faith onto others a very uncomfortable thing to do. Not that it is wrong to do so, do not misunderstand me, it's just that I can't and don't do it.
I think over the summer I have managed somehow to get over a very prolonged dry season in my faith. Which is probably why I'm typing all this out. I thank God for my friends who asked me along to their church, which would be tong siang and amanda. It was in that service that I felt this urge to go back to my home church, missing as I did the services in the Rock auditorium. And so I did go back, much to my own benefit.
I had this talk with siang about my faith, in which I said that while I might not go to church very often, nor did I pray all that much, I always had that faith in my God. And that has always been true. It is my faith that no matter what happens, no matter what I do, no matter how much I mess up my life, or even the lives of others, my God will be there for me. I do not doubt that.
You might ask, but why? Why do you have this faith? That's almost an impossible question to answer. Because faith, well, it's faith. How can anyone explain why they have faith? Faith is the belief in things unseen, in a promise yet to be fulfilled. It's hard to answer the question. I can only take a look at my life and wonder, how would it have turned out without a God who's always there for me? If I were to be honest, everything that I've got is unearned, unmerited and undeserved. I almost never give a second thought to the "important" things in life like studying and the like, and yet I find myself here, in Exeter, in the UK, studying a degree that I want to study. How does that even make sense? Some people might say, oh, it's cause you're smart, or stuff like that, but I don't think that's explanation enough. No, when I look at where I am and what I'm doing now, I just see how incredible it all is, and how it can't be natural. Which leaves the supernatural, which is how I might explain my faith.
Faith. My faith is in my God's love. In His ever-present all-encompassing love, his omni-love if you will. God, to me, is love. And love is of God. And can only be of God. It is a divine expression, a divine emotion. Which is what I wanted to write about today. I think that what I believe is at odds with many other, maybe even most other people's beliefs. Even that of other Christians. I think that we all believe in the same God, but what we believe of Him is inherently different from each other. Everyone has their own personal experience and view of God, depending maybe on the way they were brought up, own beliefs, and so on. By which I mean to say who knows whose is the most accurate? But here is mine. Probably not a commonly held belief, so please do not flame me or anything pls. I just wanted to put it out there, maybe it strikes a chord with someone, or at least it brings God into contemplation. Any god, in fact, the god of your own beliefs, if you're not christian yourself.
I don't understand Hell. What is the point of eternal suffering? I don't think I will ever be given a satisfactory answer, because I would refuse them anyway. I understand punishment, but only to a certain extent. I don't think it would ever make sense or serve any purpose for someone to be tortured and to suffer for all of eternity. Because, why? No one punishes a child all his life no matter the mistakes he has made. As a deterrent, maybe? Looking at it from a post-Rapture, post-Apocalyptic point of view, this doesn't seem to make sense to me. So you've got those people in heaven, depending on who you're talking to this might mean lots of people or not (for those who believe that only does who have not sinned, or have not sinned too much get to enter) and those people who go to hell. This raises the question as well of, how much sin? Clearly if this is set at an arbitrary number it would be a rather ridiculous system, so there has to be other ways of qualifying people. All christians, maybe. Or only those who have confessed their sins. Or something else. As I have mentioned, it depends on who you talk to.
Putting aside that, you have those people in hell, who are to suffer for eternity. For whose sake to they suffer for eternity? Do they serve as a deterrent to the people in heaven? That can't be true, unless one is allowed to fall from heaven. Which can't be right, can it? Cause salvation is forever, and heaven is for eternity. So it's not for deterrent's sake. What then? Since I don't believe in eternal suffering for eternal suffering's sake, I don't see any reason why people in hell should suffer for eternity. It just doesn't make sense to me. I mean, it might and probably does make sense to someone else, which is why I'm sure most people would disagree with me.
Going back to the topic of love. I believe that love is divine, and is of God, and can only be of God. So what happens when you love someone who is not a believer? How can it be that a God who loves you would condemn a person you love to hell? I can't believe in that. I can't believe that a God whose love is all-powerful would condemn someone I love to hell. It doesn't hold water with me. If you view God as the Father, I can't imagine that any father would condemn his child's loved ones for any length of time, much less eternity. What more the divine Father? Even if that love is not by a believer, say someone who grew up somewhere entirely isolated. Never heard of God. Yet he/she is likely to have been loved, or to have loved. And love comes from God, doesn't it? (At least in my opinion, possibly you could answer no to that.) How can people who experience something that is of God be condemned for eternity to hell? I don't think I can believe that.
How can people who love be left to die to sin? Cause grace stems from love, or love from grace, and it is very opposite of sin. Where the covenant/doctrine of sin condemns, grace/love redeems, and forgives.
The God I believe in is one who loves too much, too completely, for anyone to be condemned to hell for all of eternity. It's not that I don't believe in hell, I haven't given it all that much thought cause it's a decidedly unpleasant subject. But if pressed I'd say that it does exist, I'm no Bible scholar but I presume there's mention of it in the bible. But I just can't bring myself to accept the notion of hell as a punishment for eternity. Does that mean that I believe that everyone goes to heaven? I don't know, I guess I do believe that it will happen eventually. Maybe repentance retains its power in hell too? I don't know, I can't know. But if the price has already been paid, why not accept more souls, even those which have been condemned?
I don't know. I'm not the most dedicated of christians, or the most zealous, or the most learned, or anything. I just have my faith, that is all. And this is what I have my faith in. By all means disagree or even disapprove, I'm not looking for anything at all. It's probably enough if you start thinking on it, hopefully I've raised some points that maybe make some sense to you. I hope you don't just toss it all aside, although I concede that you might find it utter rubbish. It's definitely not a common thing for me to openly discuss my faith cause I always maintain that it's a personal thing for me, so expect this to be a one-off haha. Especially cause this is one of my most deeply, possibly secretly, held beliefs. Of course if anyone ever wants to discuss faith I'd be more than happy to, cause I think there's never any harm in that, and it's probably beneficial for all involved! Just.. take it easy and try not to get angry, cause I can imagine that some people might get angry over this, cause I've probably blasphemed by disbelieving the holding power of hell or something. I just hope I've made my points clear enough that they incite thoughts not anger!
Anyway, that's all for today, I've rather exhausted myself typing cause I'm generally quite uncomfortable with sharing my thoughts like that, instead of all the superficial rubbish of other posts. For example, my newest musical crush is the band Portugal, The Man - which is probably one of the more awkward band names I've seen cause who the heck has a comma in their name?! Listened to Sleep Forever on repeat cause it's so good. And my old musical crush, dropdeadkxy recently just covered Alt-J!!! Always so exciting when someone seems to have a somewhat similar musical taste to you zomg.
Well this is all, for reals.
Anyway so I went for the lecture, despite my vehement insistence that 9am lectures are inherently wrong, but only because my tennis buddy jio-ed me to play tennis after. The sacrifices one makes in the pursuit of a healthy lifestyle. I think I played a little bit noober than I did the last time I played, which was unfortunate. No idea why my skillz seem so unstable, but I guess for a recreational sport it's not too much of an issue, so nothing to whine about.
After that we went into town to have lunch with some girls. I can't even begin to explain how seldom I find myself in such a setting, here in the UK at least. I've been mildly anti-social, to put it mildly. This seems to have changed in the last 2 weeks though, what with my partaying and tennis playing with strangers and all! I even met one of the pretty malaysian girls I'd been hearing about hahaha. By met I unfortunately just mean met though, I doubt she remembers me haha!
Anw it seems like I might not be such a recluse this year after all. I think one year of rather harsh (maybe a better word is extreme, or maybe aggressive) solitude is enough for me. I think I'm enjoying the company of others alot more than I did last year, which is perhaps the whole point of all that aggressive solitude. Definitely though I don't regret last year at all. I think it helped me figure out alot about who I am, possibly even who I want to be.
Have I ever mentioned one of the phrases that I came up with, although this one probably isn't very original at all, pretty sure I've seen it somewhere before. Anyway it's this. The only way to find yourself is to lose yourself. Or, you can only find yourself if you're lost. Or any number of variations on that, but it's sth I found meaningful after finding myself lost in almost every city that I traveled to. Especially whenever I decide to travel without maps. Oh possibly it's an adaptation of the one that goes: The only way to truly discover a city is to get lost in it. As ridiculous as it sounds, traveling alone just might be the only way you get the freedom to get lost, cause I doubt most people really like that at all. There's alot to be said for traveling with a friend(s) though, I'm not trying to say always travel alone!
Speaking of getting lost and traveling alone and continuing the story of my miserably hapz day, I decided to go to Torquay after all, even though it was raining feline mongrels. I left at 3.30pm and arrived at 5pm. I attempted to walk to Brixham (The Gem of Torbay.) but failed after 2 hours. I thought I took a wrong turn and was lost when in fact I hadn't taken a wrong turn and wasn't lost. Such sadness. Thinking I was lost when I wasn't, some crisis of self-confidence right there. Or it's cause I failed horribly at reading bloody google maps. Hahaha super cui. And it was raining that whole time. In fact, it's been raining non-stop since about 1.30pm, from Exeter to Torquay to Brixham back to Exeter again all the way up till now. FREAKING MISERABLE ENGLISH WEATHER. DO NOT LIKE.
So yeah, after 2 hours spent in the rain I caved in to common sense (with the added pressure of soaked socks frigid feet and chilled chuans) and decided to catch the bus. By catching the bus I mean wait miserably at the thankfully sheltered bus stop while trying not to freeze to death, instead of any macho pursuit which the term might suggest. 2.60 pounds though!! So ex sigh. At least it brought me rather rapidly to the pretty town of Brixham. I think it might be a really nice place in the day time, unfortunately I only arrived at half 7. It was rather striking nonetheless! Definitely worth the trip. Had myself scallops and mussels for dinner too, as promised! Had so much mussels I almost had shells coming out my nose, which doesn't make any sense at all cause I'm not dumb enough to eat shells. Really.
Of course the rain wouldn't be nice and subside while I was having my fabulous meal. So I had to make my way back to the bus station in the rain. Then I missed my bus stop for the Torquay train station, which resulted in a 20mins trek in the direction I had come, all in the rain of course. Probably barely missed a train too, cause the next one was in 40mins or so.
Well I then voluntarily left the station to walk off that 40mins, so I can't really blame the rain this time. I took the time to stare at the bay and the lights and the pretty reflections and to think. I never really think while I'm busy traveling, it's just hard to fit in any sort of contemplation while being caught up with the sights and sounds around you. So I got to think. And to talk. More on that later.
I finally caught the train back, and upon leaving the station promptly stepped into a massive puddle that only a pure blind fool idiot could step into. As if my shoes/socks weren't wet enough, or maybe they'd begun to dry out a little bit, but noooo I had to step into 5cm of water or something. Finally arrived back home, was challenged to a game of Speed, the card game, and lost!! Thus ended my happeningly miserable day.
Which is not the point of this post at all. In that 40mins of waiting for my train, I had myself some time with my God. I say that in the sense that it is a very personal thing to me, not that I have some sort of god which only I know of. I am not and never have been the most evangelical of christians. In fact, I rather shy away from any such acts because I find pushing your faith onto others a very uncomfortable thing to do. Not that it is wrong to do so, do not misunderstand me, it's just that I can't and don't do it.
I think over the summer I have managed somehow to get over a very prolonged dry season in my faith. Which is probably why I'm typing all this out. I thank God for my friends who asked me along to their church, which would be tong siang and amanda. It was in that service that I felt this urge to go back to my home church, missing as I did the services in the Rock auditorium. And so I did go back, much to my own benefit.
I had this talk with siang about my faith, in which I said that while I might not go to church very often, nor did I pray all that much, I always had that faith in my God. And that has always been true. It is my faith that no matter what happens, no matter what I do, no matter how much I mess up my life, or even the lives of others, my God will be there for me. I do not doubt that.
You might ask, but why? Why do you have this faith? That's almost an impossible question to answer. Because faith, well, it's faith. How can anyone explain why they have faith? Faith is the belief in things unseen, in a promise yet to be fulfilled. It's hard to answer the question. I can only take a look at my life and wonder, how would it have turned out without a God who's always there for me? If I were to be honest, everything that I've got is unearned, unmerited and undeserved. I almost never give a second thought to the "important" things in life like studying and the like, and yet I find myself here, in Exeter, in the UK, studying a degree that I want to study. How does that even make sense? Some people might say, oh, it's cause you're smart, or stuff like that, but I don't think that's explanation enough. No, when I look at where I am and what I'm doing now, I just see how incredible it all is, and how it can't be natural. Which leaves the supernatural, which is how I might explain my faith.
Faith. My faith is in my God's love. In His ever-present all-encompassing love, his omni-love if you will. God, to me, is love. And love is of God. And can only be of God. It is a divine expression, a divine emotion. Which is what I wanted to write about today. I think that what I believe is at odds with many other, maybe even most other people's beliefs. Even that of other Christians. I think that we all believe in the same God, but what we believe of Him is inherently different from each other. Everyone has their own personal experience and view of God, depending maybe on the way they were brought up, own beliefs, and so on. By which I mean to say who knows whose is the most accurate? But here is mine. Probably not a commonly held belief, so please do not flame me or anything pls. I just wanted to put it out there, maybe it strikes a chord with someone, or at least it brings God into contemplation. Any god, in fact, the god of your own beliefs, if you're not christian yourself.
I don't understand Hell. What is the point of eternal suffering? I don't think I will ever be given a satisfactory answer, because I would refuse them anyway. I understand punishment, but only to a certain extent. I don't think it would ever make sense or serve any purpose for someone to be tortured and to suffer for all of eternity. Because, why? No one punishes a child all his life no matter the mistakes he has made. As a deterrent, maybe? Looking at it from a post-Rapture, post-Apocalyptic point of view, this doesn't seem to make sense to me. So you've got those people in heaven, depending on who you're talking to this might mean lots of people or not (for those who believe that only does who have not sinned, or have not sinned too much get to enter) and those people who go to hell. This raises the question as well of, how much sin? Clearly if this is set at an arbitrary number it would be a rather ridiculous system, so there has to be other ways of qualifying people. All christians, maybe. Or only those who have confessed their sins. Or something else. As I have mentioned, it depends on who you talk to.
Putting aside that, you have those people in hell, who are to suffer for eternity. For whose sake to they suffer for eternity? Do they serve as a deterrent to the people in heaven? That can't be true, unless one is allowed to fall from heaven. Which can't be right, can it? Cause salvation is forever, and heaven is for eternity. So it's not for deterrent's sake. What then? Since I don't believe in eternal suffering for eternal suffering's sake, I don't see any reason why people in hell should suffer for eternity. It just doesn't make sense to me. I mean, it might and probably does make sense to someone else, which is why I'm sure most people would disagree with me.
Going back to the topic of love. I believe that love is divine, and is of God, and can only be of God. So what happens when you love someone who is not a believer? How can it be that a God who loves you would condemn a person you love to hell? I can't believe in that. I can't believe that a God whose love is all-powerful would condemn someone I love to hell. It doesn't hold water with me. If you view God as the Father, I can't imagine that any father would condemn his child's loved ones for any length of time, much less eternity. What more the divine Father? Even if that love is not by a believer, say someone who grew up somewhere entirely isolated. Never heard of God. Yet he/she is likely to have been loved, or to have loved. And love comes from God, doesn't it? (At least in my opinion, possibly you could answer no to that.) How can people who experience something that is of God be condemned for eternity to hell? I don't think I can believe that.
How can people who love be left to die to sin? Cause grace stems from love, or love from grace, and it is very opposite of sin. Where the covenant/doctrine of sin condemns, grace/love redeems, and forgives.
The God I believe in is one who loves too much, too completely, for anyone to be condemned to hell for all of eternity. It's not that I don't believe in hell, I haven't given it all that much thought cause it's a decidedly unpleasant subject. But if pressed I'd say that it does exist, I'm no Bible scholar but I presume there's mention of it in the bible. But I just can't bring myself to accept the notion of hell as a punishment for eternity. Does that mean that I believe that everyone goes to heaven? I don't know, I guess I do believe that it will happen eventually. Maybe repentance retains its power in hell too? I don't know, I can't know. But if the price has already been paid, why not accept more souls, even those which have been condemned?
I don't know. I'm not the most dedicated of christians, or the most zealous, or the most learned, or anything. I just have my faith, that is all. And this is what I have my faith in. By all means disagree or even disapprove, I'm not looking for anything at all. It's probably enough if you start thinking on it, hopefully I've raised some points that maybe make some sense to you. I hope you don't just toss it all aside, although I concede that you might find it utter rubbish. It's definitely not a common thing for me to openly discuss my faith cause I always maintain that it's a personal thing for me, so expect this to be a one-off haha. Especially cause this is one of my most deeply, possibly secretly, held beliefs. Of course if anyone ever wants to discuss faith I'd be more than happy to, cause I think there's never any harm in that, and it's probably beneficial for all involved! Just.. take it easy and try not to get angry, cause I can imagine that some people might get angry over this, cause I've probably blasphemed by disbelieving the holding power of hell or something. I just hope I've made my points clear enough that they incite thoughts not anger!
Anyway, that's all for today, I've rather exhausted myself typing cause I'm generally quite uncomfortable with sharing my thoughts like that, instead of all the superficial rubbish of other posts. For example, my newest musical crush is the band Portugal, The Man - which is probably one of the more awkward band names I've seen cause who the heck has a comma in their name?! Listened to Sleep Forever on repeat cause it's so good. And my old musical crush, dropdeadkxy recently just covered Alt-J!!! Always so exciting when someone seems to have a somewhat similar musical taste to you zomg.
Well this is all, for reals.
Friday, 5 October 2012
"and she loved beyond looks, which is what every little girl should be taught in the first place."
I've got myself a new musical crush! I have to say that just the name alone raised my expectations already, cause Coeur de Pirate sounds brilliant! Heart of a pirate, or pirate heart, or something. And she does steal hearts, I can tell you. Must be all that french.. Doesn't seem like a very easy language to sing with all that throatiness, so respect beaucoup, or however you say that in french!
I've had quite a happening week I guess, or at least it's considered so by my standards. Said standards being abominably low, given that oftentimes the highlight of my week happens to be grocery shopping. Or a missed lecture. Huh. Anyways, in this past week I played squash, badminton, and tennis (twice even, cool yea!) and went out partaying partaying (yeah!) (even though it wasn't friday friday yeah!) Oh I also cooked at last. And did alot of washing up unfortunately. That's the price to pay when you're too lazy to cook and let your flatmates do all the cooking instead. Hello wrinkly fingermans!
I was badder at squash than expectation, so I was quite sad. I thought after training with this legendary coach this summer I could come and get no.1 seed in UK. Alas it was not to be! Played like burden lost like burden. UK full of burdenators (like terminator but worse, cause they target me):
At least I got to play badminton for about 3 hours sunday night and was destruction personified, if destruction was a handsome/cute guy wielding rackets. Okay maybe I wasn't. I went alone so I didn't have a partner. Er, story of my life really. Anyhow, I had to find a random partner like some sad guy going for prom night. Fortunately I met a Chinese and Vietnamese girl, along with an Indian man who seemed rather nice. I have friends at long last it seems!!! I'm not as pathetic as that sounds, I hope. They weren't that profersioner though, despite that incredible chinese pedigree, but at least I had fun playing with them/playing them! And the vietnamese girl is quite cute too! Yeeeeeeahhhhhh! Hehehe. I think something about 3 he's is inherently perverse. And anything more than 3 is probably the indication of a disturbed mind, no? Yeah. I think Hehe is the limit. For a normal person, that is! Which I'm not, obviously. I'm a pervert.
Then I played tennis and made a fool of myself. This was with a couple of other singaporeans as well, and by a couple I mean 10. Tennis has never agreed with me and it decided to humiliate me publicly this time. Probably cause I couldn't bring myself to watch Roger Federer v Andy Murray in the Olympics in its entirety. It gets kinda trying after the 39th service ace in a row, though. So. I was brought low by my first attempt at tennis since the glory days of JC and free racket borrowing and free courts. And getting destroyed by yewtong everytime he served. Depressing memories.. Not! I wonder how many girls would drool at the thought of watching yewtong play tennis. Probably his entire fanclub, all 2.25 million of them (source: Singapore Census 2012, female population of sgp.)
Down but not out, I decided to train hard, cause Venus Williams is my idol. Who doesn't wanna look like a manbeast while being a woman??? Just kidding. Nothing but respect for sportspeople (can't determine whether to use sportsman/sportswoman. jk.) whatever their sport or gender! Okay who else thought that "jk" meant joke? Apparently it means just kidding...... I think. I is confused. Well, to make up for the cheap jokes at their expense, I must say, the Williams sisters are incredible though, they've been at the top of tennis scene for ages, it's almost ridiculous. Ever since I picked up a newspaper and flipped to the sports section, probably. Probably longer than that even, cause I'm actually really young. The heart and soul of a 12 year old, which is why I don't have a girlfriend yet. Awkward to have one before my soul hits puberty... Infallible argument really!
Oh yeah, I was gonna say, I decided to play tennis again the very next day, with my new tennis buddy(ies). I think I was drastically improved, and it's substantiated by numbers so it's definitely true. ∞% better cause that's what you get when you divide by zero, which is exactly the level I was at that first time. At least I managed to return a reasonable amount of balls and serve over the net, which is pretty respectable I daresay. I didn't exactly give my friend a run for his money but he might have brisk-walked a little I think. Success! I even enjoyed myself a fair bit, and I think I just might continue playing tennis at a recreational level cause I heard chicks in tennis wear skirts.. Hehehehehe.
I only hope it doesn't totally ruin my badminton strokes though, since that was the consequence when I failed to dabble in tennis in JC. I kinda want to join the badminton team, or at least their trainings cause apparently squad trials are over. It's always better and more worth the $ to attend formal trainings instead of merely messing about on the courts. I also want to be at least relatively proficient at at least one sport again. It's depressing to think that in a couple of years I'm likely to be this tubby manchild sitting on couches guzzling beers watching tvs whose only activity remotely resembling sports is likely the Nintendo WVII (the 7th ed of wii). And that my 3 years of badminton in school, 2 years of rugby, -0.7years in tennis, will not only go down the drain but be transformed into NEWater.. I wanna be able to say with confidence, Wotcher mate, you're bloody right I do sports! Brilliant ey? How's the weather? And other very British bits of conversation, I'm afraid.
I did go out last night too, for this international society party. Wasn't too keen initially cause I've blown my budget the way the old man blew his balloons in Up. Not least because of THE KILLERS AND FLORENCE + THE MACHINE OWEYQASHJLFHPEUWPOUQJWOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But that's a story for another day. A slice of good fortune meant that I managed to borrow a VIP card so I didn't have to pay for entry. A slice of bad fortune meant that I only had 1 quid on me so I couldn't even buy myself a drink when I wanted to. So I spent a grand total of 0.00 last night, which did wonders (well, nothing at least) for my wallet but spelt disaster for one of my lectures today. Eyelids felt like saggy manboobs. Sigh. Worst feeling ever.
On a whim I decided to travel tmr after my lecture. I actually wanted to go to Clevedon but I took a most unfortuitous nap and when I woke up the tickets were double the price!!! Shameless rip-offs srsly, these train operators. Sadly I decided to scrap my plans for Clevedon, but I was feeling disgruntled and quite shortchanged so I looked up anywhere nearby which wouldn't cost much to go. Result: Torquay, here I come! Apparently bezt mussels in the vicinity, which is rather fitting. Cause I'm, you know, kinda musselled. As shameless as train operators apparently. Anyway, apparently it's part of the English Riviera, which I've never heard of in my life so I imagine it must be some shameless self-advertisement instead of anything in fact, but I reckon anywhere that has the nerves to call itself that must have some sort of substance cause there's no smoke without an arsonist (propagandist in this case) and all. Looking forward to windswept beaches and windswept me and being very cold! Umm. Maybe I should stay at home and doto instead..
Speaking of which, it's been almost a week since I've last dotoded! Which is quite impressive! To think that it didn't take any life-changing epiphanies or a strong resolute mind to effect this change. Just sheer boredom. Of playing alone and losing. Every. Single. Game. I might be a loser, but I sure hate losing!!!!! It was either stop playing or smash my laptop to bits. Well not really. But it was that I tired of being let down again and again.. In doto as in love and life.... Hahahaha quite a stretch to connect doto to life there! Sad stuff right there.
Well, yeah. Got my first books since arriving too, 3 random ones and a Preston and Child novel and a Terry Pratchett one. Have my hopes. The Hundred-Year Old Man, apparently an International Bestseller! The Lighthouse, shortlisted for the Man Booker Prize! The Leaky Establishment, because it has an introduction by Terry Pratchett! Umm. Obviously my pursestrings are running wild like freaking earpieces in pockets.
My new love, Heart of Pirate (she's called Beatrice Martin actually), is the source of this quote "and she loved beyond looks, which is what every little girl should be taught in the first place." which I thought was such a gem of a sentence. Loving beyond looks, widely advocated but hardly experienced? I guess we all could learn from the example of Belle! Go Disney princesses.
On this note shall I take my leave, cause I'm a pretentious twat.
I've had quite a happening week I guess, or at least it's considered so by my standards. Said standards being abominably low, given that oftentimes the highlight of my week happens to be grocery shopping. Or a missed lecture. Huh. Anyways, in this past week I played squash, badminton, and tennis (twice even, cool yea!) and went out partaying partaying (yeah!) (even though it wasn't friday friday yeah!) Oh I also cooked at last. And did alot of washing up unfortunately. That's the price to pay when you're too lazy to cook and let your flatmates do all the cooking instead. Hello wrinkly fingermans!
I was badder at squash than expectation, so I was quite sad. I thought after training with this legendary coach this summer I could come and get no.1 seed in UK. Alas it was not to be! Played like burden lost like burden. UK full of burdenators (like terminator but worse, cause they target me):
At least I got to play badminton for about 3 hours sunday night and was destruction personified, if destruction was a handsome/cute guy wielding rackets. Okay maybe I wasn't. I went alone so I didn't have a partner. Er, story of my life really. Anyhow, I had to find a random partner like some sad guy going for prom night. Fortunately I met a Chinese and Vietnamese girl, along with an Indian man who seemed rather nice. I have friends at long last it seems!!! I'm not as pathetic as that sounds, I hope. They weren't that profersioner though, despite that incredible chinese pedigree, but at least I had fun playing with them/playing them! And the vietnamese girl is quite cute too! Yeeeeeeahhhhhh! Hehehe. I think something about 3 he's is inherently perverse. And anything more than 3 is probably the indication of a disturbed mind, no? Yeah. I think Hehe is the limit. For a normal person, that is! Which I'm not, obviously. I'm a pervert.
Then I played tennis and made a fool of myself. This was with a couple of other singaporeans as well, and by a couple I mean 10. Tennis has never agreed with me and it decided to humiliate me publicly this time. Probably cause I couldn't bring myself to watch Roger Federer v Andy Murray in the Olympics in its entirety. It gets kinda trying after the 39th service ace in a row, though. So. I was brought low by my first attempt at tennis since the glory days of JC and free racket borrowing and free courts. And getting destroyed by yewtong everytime he served. Depressing memories.. Not! I wonder how many girls would drool at the thought of watching yewtong play tennis. Probably his entire fanclub, all 2.25 million of them (source: Singapore Census 2012, female population of sgp.)
Down but not out, I decided to train hard, cause Venus Williams is my idol. Who doesn't wanna look like a manbeast while being a woman??? Just kidding. Nothing but respect for sportspeople (can't determine whether to use sportsman/sportswoman. jk.) whatever their sport or gender! Okay who else thought that "jk" meant joke? Apparently it means just kidding...... I think. I is confused. Well, to make up for the cheap jokes at their expense, I must say, the Williams sisters are incredible though, they've been at the top of tennis scene for ages, it's almost ridiculous. Ever since I picked up a newspaper and flipped to the sports section, probably. Probably longer than that even, cause I'm actually really young. The heart and soul of a 12 year old, which is why I don't have a girlfriend yet. Awkward to have one before my soul hits puberty... Infallible argument really!
Oh yeah, I was gonna say, I decided to play tennis again the very next day, with my new tennis buddy(ies). I think I was drastically improved, and it's substantiated by numbers so it's definitely true. ∞% better cause that's what you get when you divide by zero, which is exactly the level I was at that first time. At least I managed to return a reasonable amount of balls and serve over the net, which is pretty respectable I daresay. I didn't exactly give my friend a run for his money but he might have brisk-walked a little I think. Success! I even enjoyed myself a fair bit, and I think I just might continue playing tennis at a recreational level cause I heard chicks in tennis wear skirts.. Hehehehehe.
I only hope it doesn't totally ruin my badminton strokes though, since that was the consequence when I failed to dabble in tennis in JC. I kinda want to join the badminton team, or at least their trainings cause apparently squad trials are over. It's always better and more worth the $ to attend formal trainings instead of merely messing about on the courts. I also want to be at least relatively proficient at at least one sport again. It's depressing to think that in a couple of years I'm likely to be this tubby manchild sitting on couches guzzling beers watching tvs whose only activity remotely resembling sports is likely the Nintendo WVII (the 7th ed of wii). And that my 3 years of badminton in school, 2 years of rugby, -0.7years in tennis, will not only go down the drain but be transformed into NEWater.. I wanna be able to say with confidence, Wotcher mate, you're bloody right I do sports! Brilliant ey? How's the weather? And other very British bits of conversation, I'm afraid.
I did go out last night too, for this international society party. Wasn't too keen initially cause I've blown my budget the way the old man blew his balloons in Up. Not least because of THE KILLERS AND FLORENCE + THE MACHINE OWEYQASHJLFHPEUWPOUQJWOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But that's a story for another day. A slice of good fortune meant that I managed to borrow a VIP card so I didn't have to pay for entry. A slice of bad fortune meant that I only had 1 quid on me so I couldn't even buy myself a drink when I wanted to. So I spent a grand total of 0.00 last night, which did wonders (well, nothing at least) for my wallet but spelt disaster for one of my lectures today. Eyelids felt like saggy manboobs. Sigh. Worst feeling ever.
On a whim I decided to travel tmr after my lecture. I actually wanted to go to Clevedon but I took a most unfortuitous nap and when I woke up the tickets were double the price!!! Shameless rip-offs srsly, these train operators. Sadly I decided to scrap my plans for Clevedon, but I was feeling disgruntled and quite shortchanged so I looked up anywhere nearby which wouldn't cost much to go. Result: Torquay, here I come! Apparently bezt mussels in the vicinity, which is rather fitting. Cause I'm, you know, kinda musselled. As shameless as train operators apparently. Anyway, apparently it's part of the English Riviera, which I've never heard of in my life so I imagine it must be some shameless self-advertisement instead of anything in fact, but I reckon anywhere that has the nerves to call itself that must have some sort of substance cause there's no smoke without an arsonist (propagandist in this case) and all. Looking forward to windswept beaches and windswept me and being very cold! Umm. Maybe I should stay at home and doto instead..
Speaking of which, it's been almost a week since I've last dotoded! Which is quite impressive! To think that it didn't take any life-changing epiphanies or a strong resolute mind to effect this change. Just sheer boredom. Of playing alone and losing. Every. Single. Game. I might be a loser, but I sure hate losing!!!!! It was either stop playing or smash my laptop to bits. Well not really. But it was that I tired of being let down again and again.. In doto as in love and life.... Hahahaha quite a stretch to connect doto to life there! Sad stuff right there.
Well, yeah. Got my first books since arriving too, 3 random ones and a Preston and Child novel and a Terry Pratchett one. Have my hopes. The Hundred-Year Old Man, apparently an International Bestseller! The Lighthouse, shortlisted for the Man Booker Prize! The Leaky Establishment, because it has an introduction by Terry Pratchett! Umm. Obviously my pursestrings are running wild like freaking earpieces in pockets.
My new love, Heart of Pirate (she's called Beatrice Martin actually), is the source of this quote "and she loved beyond looks, which is what every little girl should be taught in the first place." which I thought was such a gem of a sentence. Loving beyond looks, widely advocated but hardly experienced? I guess we all could learn from the example of Belle! Go Disney princesses.
On this note shall I take my leave, cause I'm a pretentious twat.
Monday, 1 October 2012
Give Me Hope Give Me Loneliness.
Ho! Settled down pretty well now I guess. Life is and will be gut!
I had really little time when I set out that last post, which was unfortunate cause I wanted to detail what has to have been one of the betterest days my whole summer. This despite not sleeping that previous night. Which is kinda awkward, but also to be expected cause I'm bad that way.
I decided that after 4 months of harrying me, yes, the bloodbank was going to get to feed on me after all. Week after week of immensely sad pleading, Dear O donor, we are running short of YOUR blood this week, etc etc. So I decided, yes! I shall go! And go I did. Goodest choice.
I also was in possession of 2 free tickets to a Shaw theatre of my choice. Obviously this meant movie time, cause you just don't say no to free stuff. Matter of principle. Alas, calamity struck! Who could guess at the series of unfortunate events that led to my going to watch the movie alone i.e. the 20 years of singlererness. It's quite sad to have 2 free tickets and be unable to use them both at the same time :'( Oke cry time over.
I decided to watch Moonrise Kingdom. It was close, between that and Ruby Sparks, but I decided Edward Norton was a better bet. Clearly I have grown up to be an amazing choice maker, cause Moonrise Kingdom is my b0mb!!!! I like it so much I watched it again on my flight over. Ya bomb! Maybe not to everyone taste, although I sure as heck hope that such an awesome movie has universal appeal. By Wes Anderson, director also of Fantastic Mr Fox, and just about as quirky. I guess I came to expect some of the more ridiculous elements in the movie. But what a standout! Especially Suzy. Huge mancrush on her I must say.. <3 p="p">
Thought the soundtrack was really well done too. Ho well, everything about it actually. New favourite movie no joking.
Speaking of huge mancrushes, I have this massive musical crush on this youtuber as well! Massive hearts all round. She's singaporean to boot, so nothing but + points really! Some fella on facebook shared a video of her singing Beach House and I thought: KOOL, BEACH HOUSE COVERER! So I clicked, not bad. Suddenly, I saw Norway was covered too. Maybe not many people know about Norway (the song) but they should. So I clicked, and love bl0om3d.
Of course, I went on and listened to almost every other cover she'd made, in a totally non-stalkerish sense. It was only a couple of hours after all... Perfectly normal. Beach House, Best Coast, Grizzly Bear, Grimes, idk man.. What do! Also learnt of Art Imperial's Cult Of Love, whose music video is.... impossible. Must watch In the Mood for Love again. And again again.
Also I started listening to James Levy and the Blood Red Roses, whose song Give Me Happiness graciously provided the title for the day. Quite an odd pairing, almost never hear a voice like that guys, but good nonethless.
So yeah. Norway new favourite song too. Can't decide whether I like the actual one by Beach House more or the cover, which can only mean that the cover is darned gut. So yeah. Massive fanboy moments the extent of my romantic endeavours right now hahaah. Or rather, boohuhu. Oh yeah, the youtuber who's the current object of my affections goes by the name talktothewall or dropdeadkxy, cause I'm a belieber in Singaporean talent! Go sgp.
Life is sucks cause I am suck. I had these grand schemes to attend Oktoberfest but I too lazy. Too lazy to research the costs of tickets and other very important stuff like that. I bad. Maybe if tickets are cheap I can still go this weekend? Kind of a long shot though, and I doubt I'm very accurate... So it seems unlikely. This weekend I'll either be going to Sheffield or Cornwall though, so hopefully that soothes a little bit of the pain.
First week of lectures prettaye gut too I guess, especially with regards to my attendance! All but one lecture attended, and that too merely a matter of principle. 9am lectures are fiendish and should be met with open defiance, not compliance and conformity!!!! DOWNS WIT EDUCATORING!!! D3A+H 2 ALL!!!!
Fortunately I took this module called Sexuality, Gender and the Law, which just sounds cheeky and perhaps (only perhaps) slightly (only slightly) perverse as well. But edukation is srs bzns k. Nary a frivolous subject. Still, doesn't alter the fact that the lectures have been fun, and given by a rather funny chap as well, so these have become my new favourite lectures. Hopefully the rest of the academic year continues in similar vein, and I don't end up being bad like last year.
I also managed to do up my room, after dallying for almost a week. 2 lazy 2 take stuff out from my bags. Quite pleased with the end result, although I do miss my posters from last year. Hopefully this means I manage to obtain some new ones this year. More mega hope is that the white tac I used to stick the wallpaper on the walls does not leave oil stains or rip out the paint when I remove them at the end of the year. Big bad no no there, probably gotta cough up 100 pounds or more if that happens, so pls no.
On a sidenote, you know that theory about infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters given infinite time, and that one of them would produce the compleat workſ of ſhakeſpeare? Obviously true, because infinity as a concept has no boundaries, but this theory is observable too irl. Personal experience tells me so. So I travel and take about 412098 photos each time. By the Grace of God and all that is good in this world, I somehow manage to take some good shots! Some rather stunning ones too, even if I say so myself. By some trick of light and fate, I've managed to take a rather good amount of decent photos. This occurrence is rare as heck so I had to make myself an album of them, and even printed them out.
These I have now stuck onto the walls of my room in a bid to inspire myself by myself. Something reeks of an ego here. Anyway. Before I set sail last year for the Great Beyonds of Sattahip, Qingdao and Manado, I was also urged to bring along some photos of my loved ones/ people who mean something to me. These I'd kept at home since, and when I packed to come over I decided to bring them. These too now adorn the sides of my room. I am pretty happy with the outcome! I shall even attach photos here cause you know, I'm pretty hip and modern and the advent of new media and all.
Huh. Okay I guess that's it for now, gonna go hopefully play some badminton to get fit hopefully so I won't fail my IPPT next year hopefully so I can get another $200 hopefully. Auf Weidersehn! (German cause I like to beat myself over the head with my badness)
Oh wait I forgot to include the most betterest part of that day actually. What the. Okay so after the movie I went to donate blood, where I was fawned over. Day is good when you have multiple people telling you, Your veins are very good! in the hopes that you will decide to do the platelet donation instead of the full blooded one. I think I might even do it, even though it lasts 1-2hours and you don't even get a better meal coupon out of it... You're allowed to do it once a month instead of once every 3 months the way the normal one requires. More bloods = more lives saved = more hero. I like being a hero. That's why every few hours I get onto doto 2 and pick myself a new hero. Life affirming stuff.
Anyway. After that I went to the twins place for my farewell steamboat apparently. It's always good to be able to connect again with people you've known almost half your lives now. How do you even count the worth of 9 years of friendship? You just can't. We had the most enjoyable couple of hours, despite the sad absence of a couple of people.
I think it's a wonder how little everyone has changed over the years. Or maybe that's not true, maybe everyone has changed, but for the few hours that we get together again, we become who we were again all those years ago. Who knows. I certainly don't feel like I'm the same person I was 9 years ago, but since I'm looking at everyone else and wondering how little they've changed, could it be that everyone thinks I've not changed either? Random thoughts, these, and of no import whatsoever.
I thought I was being real clever cause I guessed that they were gonna give me a going-away gift/card/thingy. Smart alecks always get what they deserve though! In this case, an almost 4 months early birthday celebration haha. The craziest idea, and definitely unexpected. Madness! I must say I was quite touched. There I was wondering that I was likely gonna spend my 21st birthday alone again, hopefully in some strange foreign land, and that it was gonna be entirely unremarkable. It was a rather gladdening yet saddening prospect. Instead, I get a 3 months and 10 days early birthday celebration, which is just about as unique as it gets.
A happy day.
I had really little time when I set out that last post, which was unfortunate cause I wanted to detail what has to have been one of the betterest days my whole summer. This despite not sleeping that previous night. Which is kinda awkward, but also to be expected cause I'm bad that way.
I decided that after 4 months of harrying me, yes, the bloodbank was going to get to feed on me after all. Week after week of immensely sad pleading, Dear O donor, we are running short of YOUR blood this week, etc etc. So I decided, yes! I shall go! And go I did. Goodest choice.
I also was in possession of 2 free tickets to a Shaw theatre of my choice. Obviously this meant movie time, cause you just don't say no to free stuff. Matter of principle. Alas, calamity struck! Who could guess at the series of unfortunate events that led to my going to watch the movie alone i.e. the 20 years of singlererness. It's quite sad to have 2 free tickets and be unable to use them both at the same time :'( Oke cry time over.
I decided to watch Moonrise Kingdom. It was close, between that and Ruby Sparks, but I decided Edward Norton was a better bet. Clearly I have grown up to be an amazing choice maker, cause Moonrise Kingdom is my b0mb!!!! I like it so much I watched it again on my flight over. Ya bomb! Maybe not to everyone taste, although I sure as heck hope that such an awesome movie has universal appeal. By Wes Anderson, director also of Fantastic Mr Fox, and just about as quirky. I guess I came to expect some of the more ridiculous elements in the movie. But what a standout! Especially Suzy. Huge mancrush on her I must say.. <3 p="p">
Thought the soundtrack was really well done too. Ho well, everything about it actually. New favourite movie no joking.
Speaking of huge mancrushes, I have this massive musical crush on this youtuber as well! Massive hearts all round. She's singaporean to boot, so nothing but + points really! Some fella on facebook shared a video of her singing Beach House and I thought: KOOL, BEACH HOUSE COVERER! So I clicked, not bad. Suddenly, I saw Norway was covered too. Maybe not many people know about Norway (the song) but they should. So I clicked, and love bl0om3d.
Of course, I went on and listened to almost every other cover she'd made, in a totally non-stalkerish sense. It was only a couple of hours after all... Perfectly normal. Beach House, Best Coast, Grizzly Bear, Grimes, idk man.. What do! Also learnt of Art Imperial's Cult Of Love, whose music video is.... impossible. Must watch In the Mood for Love again. And again again.
Also I started listening to James Levy and the Blood Red Roses, whose song Give Me Happiness graciously provided the title for the day. Quite an odd pairing, almost never hear a voice like that guys, but good nonethless.
So yeah. Norway new favourite song too. Can't decide whether I like the actual one by Beach House more or the cover, which can only mean that the cover is darned gut. So yeah. Massive fanboy moments the extent of my romantic endeavours right now hahaah. Or rather, boohuhu. Oh yeah, the youtuber who's the current object of my affections goes by the name talktothewall or dropdeadkxy, cause I'm a belieber in Singaporean talent! Go sgp.
Life is sucks cause I am suck. I had these grand schemes to attend Oktoberfest but I too lazy. Too lazy to research the costs of tickets and other very important stuff like that. I bad. Maybe if tickets are cheap I can still go this weekend? Kind of a long shot though, and I doubt I'm very accurate... So it seems unlikely. This weekend I'll either be going to Sheffield or Cornwall though, so hopefully that soothes a little bit of the pain.
First week of lectures prettaye gut too I guess, especially with regards to my attendance! All but one lecture attended, and that too merely a matter of principle. 9am lectures are fiendish and should be met with open defiance, not compliance and conformity!!!! DOWNS WIT EDUCATORING!!! D3A+H 2 ALL!!!!
Fortunately I took this module called Sexuality, Gender and the Law, which just sounds cheeky and perhaps (only perhaps) slightly (only slightly) perverse as well. But edukation is srs bzns k. Nary a frivolous subject. Still, doesn't alter the fact that the lectures have been fun, and given by a rather funny chap as well, so these have become my new favourite lectures. Hopefully the rest of the academic year continues in similar vein, and I don't end up being bad like last year.
I also managed to do up my room, after dallying for almost a week. 2 lazy 2 take stuff out from my bags. Quite pleased with the end result, although I do miss my posters from last year. Hopefully this means I manage to obtain some new ones this year. More mega hope is that the white tac I used to stick the wallpaper on the walls does not leave oil stains or rip out the paint when I remove them at the end of the year. Big bad no no there, probably gotta cough up 100 pounds or more if that happens, so pls no.
On a sidenote, you know that theory about infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters given infinite time, and that one of them would produce the compleat workſ of ſhakeſpeare? Obviously true, because infinity as a concept has no boundaries, but this theory is observable too irl. Personal experience tells me so. So I travel and take about 412098 photos each time. By the Grace of God and all that is good in this world, I somehow manage to take some good shots! Some rather stunning ones too, even if I say so myself. By some trick of light and fate, I've managed to take a rather good amount of decent photos. This occurrence is rare as heck so I had to make myself an album of them, and even printed them out.
These I have now stuck onto the walls of my room in a bid to inspire myself by myself. Something reeks of an ego here. Anyway. Before I set sail last year for the Great Beyonds of Sattahip, Qingdao and Manado, I was also urged to bring along some photos of my loved ones/ people who mean something to me. These I'd kept at home since, and when I packed to come over I decided to bring them. These too now adorn the sides of my room. I am pretty happy with the outcome! I shall even attach photos here cause you know, I'm pretty hip and modern and the advent of new media and all.
Huh. Okay I guess that's it for now, gonna go hopefully play some badminton to get fit hopefully so I won't fail my IPPT next year hopefully so I can get another $200 hopefully. Auf Weidersehn! (German cause I like to beat myself over the head with my badness)
Oh wait I forgot to include the most betterest part of that day actually. What the. Okay so after the movie I went to donate blood, where I was fawned over. Day is good when you have multiple people telling you, Your veins are very good! in the hopes that you will decide to do the platelet donation instead of the full blooded one. I think I might even do it, even though it lasts 1-2hours and you don't even get a better meal coupon out of it... You're allowed to do it once a month instead of once every 3 months the way the normal one requires. More bloods = more lives saved = more hero. I like being a hero. That's why every few hours I get onto doto 2 and pick myself a new hero. Life affirming stuff.
Anyway. After that I went to the twins place for my farewell steamboat apparently. It's always good to be able to connect again with people you've known almost half your lives now. How do you even count the worth of 9 years of friendship? You just can't. We had the most enjoyable couple of hours, despite the sad absence of a couple of people.
I think it's a wonder how little everyone has changed over the years. Or maybe that's not true, maybe everyone has changed, but for the few hours that we get together again, we become who we were again all those years ago. Who knows. I certainly don't feel like I'm the same person I was 9 years ago, but since I'm looking at everyone else and wondering how little they've changed, could it be that everyone thinks I've not changed either? Random thoughts, these, and of no import whatsoever.
I thought I was being real clever cause I guessed that they were gonna give me a going-away gift/card/thingy. Smart alecks always get what they deserve though! In this case, an almost 4 months early birthday celebration haha. The craziest idea, and definitely unexpected. Madness! I must say I was quite touched. There I was wondering that I was likely gonna spend my 21st birthday alone again, hopefully in some strange foreign land, and that it was gonna be entirely unremarkable. It was a rather gladdening yet saddening prospect. Instead, I get a 3 months and 10 days early birthday celebration, which is just about as unique as it gets.
A happy day.
Friday, 21 September 2012
I Love You But You Don't Know What You're Talking About.
All I want is to insert a quote from my new favourite movie into my title. Moonrise Kingdom, in case you were wondering. I'm partial to Wes Anderson's ways I guess, after Fantastic Mr Fox. But Suzy, oh Suzy! What a charming film, so glad I decided to watch it with one of my free tickets.
I've just packed my bags and I'm just about good to go. Just gotta shove this laptop into my bag and select up to 2 books to bring, if I can fit them into my bag. Not that bad, only took me 1-2 hours to pack. Biggest item has got to be the bolster. Half my check in comprises of my bolster hehe. I was just thinking what the heck, since I've got nth to bring why not bring along the ultimate in comfort.
And it's time to leave now. While maybe not all of us are going to leave for someplace else, don't be sad if you get to stay wherever you are surrounded by all of your friends and family, cause life always is a journey for us all. Bon voyage friends!
I've just packed my bags and I'm just about good to go. Just gotta shove this laptop into my bag and select up to 2 books to bring, if I can fit them into my bag. Not that bad, only took me 1-2 hours to pack. Biggest item has got to be the bolster. Half my check in comprises of my bolster hehe. I was just thinking what the heck, since I've got nth to bring why not bring along the ultimate in comfort.
And it's time to leave now. While maybe not all of us are going to leave for someplace else, don't be sad if you get to stay wherever you are surrounded by all of your friends and family, cause life always is a journey for us all. Bon voyage friends!
Thursday, 20 September 2012
Lives Put On Hold.
I kind of ended of my previous post with the intention of immediately launching into another one, but I didn't do that for reasons unknown. It's been a rather eventful few weeks. Or rather, few months ever since I've been back here. Maybe chronological is the best way to do this, so here goes!
I was supposed to go to Uganda and Kenya after my exams ended for a volunteering project at a school in South Uganda (I think, anyways away from where Kony is supposed to be operating) which was to last 2 weeks, before hitting the national parks there and the ones in Kenya for another 2 weeks for a grand total of a month in Africa. Unfortunately things didn't work out that way.
So what happened was that my auntie, who'd been battling cancer, learnt of my plans and declared that I was not to go, as she had concerns over my safety etc. Naturally my initial response was to bristle and get all annoyed, thinking how silly it was that I should cancel my plans based on an Internet campaign and the worries of a fearful aunt. I almost decided there and then that I would carry on regardless, possibly out of pure angst. Well, I didn't. I guess I realized that the right thing to do was to go back home after my exams then, or at least that that was what my parents really wanted, in spite of their never saying so out loud. I know they were glad I decided to come back early, so was my aunt, so I guess that makes it a right decision.
So I was back in Singapore. I visited my aunt a couple of times, by then she had been given about a month or two left to live. Then my grandma was admitted to the hospital for a skin infection, amongst other age-related complications. By then I'd started work already, with a stay-in rate of almost 1 night every 2 days, so I was pretty whacked. I tried to visit my grandma and my aunt on most of my days off, i.e. weekends or after work on a weekday which was pretty tiring. I'd end work, visit my grandma at alexandra hospital, and sleep almost immediately upon reaching home.
I think it made my parents happy to know that I was visiting my grandma regularly, especially since my siblings barely did for their own reasons. I think my grandma was happy to see me, not least because I usually bought food for her. I tried to give her something to look forward to by asking her what she wanted me to buy for her on my next visits, which usually made her smile and made her think. I try to make her think by asking her lots of questions, asking her about her routine, about events from a couple of days back, the contents of her meals etc. I worry that she'll start going senile soon.
Thankfully the staff at the hospital were amazing. Most of the nurses there would try to chat with my grandma and all, which was pretty amazing I think. I mean, they've gotta have tens of patients to take care of and with what I would guess is a pretty rapid turnover rate (patients admitting and discharging) they don't get much out of making friends anyway. I think they were just generally nice, which was brilliant. Some of them would even chat with me which was great, given that it's hard to sustain a prolonged conversation with a woman who's nearing 90 and hard of hearing.
For this to be a truthful record, I must confess that my trips there were made much more pleasant by the presence of some particularly noteworthy staff there. There was the rather pretty/cute nurse who would joke with me, whose name of course I never found out, despite the rather obvious name tags. I guess it's rather unseemly to be looking at a woman's chest like that, silly place to put name tags really. And there was the probable student physiologist, probable because she seemed too young to be an actual practicing one, but of course I never managed to ask her about that. Huh. Why I fail. But yeah, that was that, so I can't say that visiting my grandma was merely the onerous fulfilling of an obligation, it was occasionally rather enjoyable as well!
I guess I've changed in that regard as well. From the changing of my travel plans to my visiting my grandma in the hospital. I don't think I would have done the same had these scenarios happened last year. I would have put my back up and my foot down and insist on going to Uganda. I would probably have paid my grandma one visit at the hospital after constant nagging by my parents to do so. What's changed since then, and why? I was wondering myself, and wonder is the right word here. After skyping with my parents to inform them that yes, I would cancel my trip and head straight home after my papers, I kind of sat there in a daze. I wondered at what I had just done. I wondered that I had just scrapped a whole month worth of planned activities/traveling, opting instead to go back home early. I wondered that one whole month of my near future was altered just like that, one that I had been greatly anticipating too. I don't think words quite do justice here to the enormity of what I felt then, that I had in a few minutes, a few spoken sentences, radically changed my life (in the immediate sense).
In hindsight, I guess that it did change my life, or at least it was the culmination of the changes in my life.
Anyhow, moving on now. Because I've just kept this in my drafts for more than a month. I guess I never really change after all! All this procrastination, although in my defence I must say that work was excruciatingly taxing and I never had any energy to do anything.
The one observation I wanted to record here was that of all those people's lives being put on hold. In the old folk's home, where all its residents are merely there waiting for the inevitable. All those people visiting them, especially those I saw who were there every single day, it's like pressing the pause button in their lives while they wait out what they dread, not living their own lives even. In the hospital, in the old folk's home, wherever it was. And I felt pretty sad.
I was supposed to go to Uganda and Kenya after my exams ended for a volunteering project at a school in South Uganda (I think, anyways away from where Kony is supposed to be operating) which was to last 2 weeks, before hitting the national parks there and the ones in Kenya for another 2 weeks for a grand total of a month in Africa. Unfortunately things didn't work out that way.
So what happened was that my auntie, who'd been battling cancer, learnt of my plans and declared that I was not to go, as she had concerns over my safety etc. Naturally my initial response was to bristle and get all annoyed, thinking how silly it was that I should cancel my plans based on an Internet campaign and the worries of a fearful aunt. I almost decided there and then that I would carry on regardless, possibly out of pure angst. Well, I didn't. I guess I realized that the right thing to do was to go back home after my exams then, or at least that that was what my parents really wanted, in spite of their never saying so out loud. I know they were glad I decided to come back early, so was my aunt, so I guess that makes it a right decision.
So I was back in Singapore. I visited my aunt a couple of times, by then she had been given about a month or two left to live. Then my grandma was admitted to the hospital for a skin infection, amongst other age-related complications. By then I'd started work already, with a stay-in rate of almost 1 night every 2 days, so I was pretty whacked. I tried to visit my grandma and my aunt on most of my days off, i.e. weekends or after work on a weekday which was pretty tiring. I'd end work, visit my grandma at alexandra hospital, and sleep almost immediately upon reaching home.
I think it made my parents happy to know that I was visiting my grandma regularly, especially since my siblings barely did for their own reasons. I think my grandma was happy to see me, not least because I usually bought food for her. I tried to give her something to look forward to by asking her what she wanted me to buy for her on my next visits, which usually made her smile and made her think. I try to make her think by asking her lots of questions, asking her about her routine, about events from a couple of days back, the contents of her meals etc. I worry that she'll start going senile soon.
Thankfully the staff at the hospital were amazing. Most of the nurses there would try to chat with my grandma and all, which was pretty amazing I think. I mean, they've gotta have tens of patients to take care of and with what I would guess is a pretty rapid turnover rate (patients admitting and discharging) they don't get much out of making friends anyway. I think they were just generally nice, which was brilliant. Some of them would even chat with me which was great, given that it's hard to sustain a prolonged conversation with a woman who's nearing 90 and hard of hearing.
For this to be a truthful record, I must confess that my trips there were made much more pleasant by the presence of some particularly noteworthy staff there. There was the rather pretty/cute nurse who would joke with me, whose name of course I never found out, despite the rather obvious name tags. I guess it's rather unseemly to be looking at a woman's chest like that, silly place to put name tags really. And there was the probable student physiologist, probable because she seemed too young to be an actual practicing one, but of course I never managed to ask her about that. Huh. Why I fail. But yeah, that was that, so I can't say that visiting my grandma was merely the onerous fulfilling of an obligation, it was occasionally rather enjoyable as well!
I guess I've changed in that regard as well. From the changing of my travel plans to my visiting my grandma in the hospital. I don't think I would have done the same had these scenarios happened last year. I would have put my back up and my foot down and insist on going to Uganda. I would probably have paid my grandma one visit at the hospital after constant nagging by my parents to do so. What's changed since then, and why? I was wondering myself, and wonder is the right word here. After skyping with my parents to inform them that yes, I would cancel my trip and head straight home after my papers, I kind of sat there in a daze. I wondered at what I had just done. I wondered that I had just scrapped a whole month worth of planned activities/traveling, opting instead to go back home early. I wondered that one whole month of my near future was altered just like that, one that I had been greatly anticipating too. I don't think words quite do justice here to the enormity of what I felt then, that I had in a few minutes, a few spoken sentences, radically changed my life (in the immediate sense).
In hindsight, I guess that it did change my life, or at least it was the culmination of the changes in my life.
Anyhow, moving on now. Because I've just kept this in my drafts for more than a month. I guess I never really change after all! All this procrastination, although in my defence I must say that work was excruciatingly taxing and I never had any energy to do anything.
The one observation I wanted to record here was that of all those people's lives being put on hold. In the old folk's home, where all its residents are merely there waiting for the inevitable. All those people visiting them, especially those I saw who were there every single day, it's like pressing the pause button in their lives while they wait out what they dread, not living their own lives even. In the hospital, in the old folk's home, wherever it was. And I felt pretty sad.
Thursday, 12 July 2012
Worn Out Places / Worn Out Faces.
Yo. Hmmm. It's not that I haven't had anything to say for so long. On the contrary, I've had loads on my mind but just never found the time to properly put said thoughts into coherent words and paragraphs. Unrecorded thoughts quickly turn into unremembered thoughts, and unremembered thoughts might as well not have been thought at all. Well, I guess that's not strictly true either. The memory of a thought often (probably not always, I'm not sure) lingers on, but what usually happens is that when you stumble upon similar thoughts again all you get is this vague frustrating sensation that yes, you've thought this thought before. Anyhow, my point here is that it is oftentimes a good practice to record your thoughts, that's about it.
Well. So much for concise thoughts. I never have those, I wonder if they're just a myth. I never fail to beat around the bush and on occasion, even get beaten by bushes. Huh.
Where do I even begin hmmmmmm. Well guess what, I typed all this about... 5 days ago or something. And now I have more new things to talk about, and not enough time to do so cause it's DIMSUMTIME IN JUST A FEW MORE HOURS WOOOOO!!
Anyways. I went to church for the first time in maybe.. well idk but possibly close to 2 years or so? Yep. I'm glad I went and I am thankful for my friends of thousands of years (i.e. the Twins and Amanda) for asking me along.
End of post here - cut short by frantic last minute packing for HK trip which I had put off like an idiot. And more pressing developments in life which would be more cogent in a new post, not one that I began 2 weeks ago. Ta.
Well. So much for concise thoughts. I never have those, I wonder if they're just a myth. I never fail to beat around the bush and on occasion, even get beaten by bushes. Huh.
Where do I even begin hmmmmmm. Well guess what, I typed all this about... 5 days ago or something. And now I have more new things to talk about, and not enough time to do so cause it's DIMSUMTIME IN JUST A FEW MORE HOURS WOOOOO!!
Anyways. I went to church for the first time in maybe.. well idk but possibly close to 2 years or so? Yep. I'm glad I went and I am thankful for my friends of thousands of years (i.e. the Twins and Amanda) for asking me along.
End of post here - cut short by frantic last minute packing for HK trip which I had put off like an idiot. And more pressing developments in life which would be more cogent in a new post, not one that I began 2 weeks ago. Ta.
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