Worn Out Places / Worn Out Faces.

Yo. Hmmm. It's not that I haven't had anything to say for so long. On the contrary, I've had loads on my mind but just never found the time to properly put said thoughts into coherent words and paragraphs. Unrecorded thoughts quickly turn into unremembered thoughts, and unremembered thoughts might as well not have been thought at all. Well, I guess that's not strictly true either. The memory of a thought often (probably not always, I'm not sure) lingers on, but what usually happens is that when you stumble upon similar thoughts again all you get is this vague frustrating sensation that yes, you've thought this thought before. Anyhow, my point here is that it is oftentimes a good practice to record your thoughts, that's about it.

Well. So much for concise thoughts. I never have those, I wonder if they're just a myth. I never fail to beat around the bush and on occasion, even get beaten by bushes. Huh.

Where do I even begin hmmmmmm. Well guess what, I typed all this about... 5 days ago or something. And now I have more new things to talk about, and not enough time to do so cause it's DIMSUMTIME IN JUST A FEW MORE HOURS WOOOOO!!

Anyways. I went to church for the first time in maybe.. well idk but possibly close to 2 years or so? Yep. I'm glad I went and I am thankful for my friends of thousands of years (i.e. the Twins and Amanda) for asking me along.



End of post here - cut short by frantic last minute packing for HK trip which I had put off like an idiot. And more pressing developments in life which would be more cogent in a new post, not one that I began 2 weeks ago. Ta.

The Beginning Of Forever/The End Of Yesterday.

Buon giorno. It's been a pretty wild month/2months, so much so that I find it quite impossible to describe in its entirety here. So there won't be an über long post like the one after my french trip, so don't worry aha. Hm. In fact I'm not sure what I wanna talk about here, except that I'm feeling kinda sickly (maybe just fatigued) and am in no mood to do anything else save the excretion of whatever random thoughts I've got jumbled up in my head. So.

Went to Rome with another 3 guys, bittersweet is kinda a gay expression to describe a trip with guys, so I'll go with lukewarm. I guess there are good things and bad to traveling with others, as there are with so many other things (perhaps everything) in life. But still, I think I'd gotten too used to traveling on my own. Some of the things they did, the way they acted towards the locals etc really grated on me. And then you're not as absorbed into the culture of wherever it is you are because there's always these familiar elements (your friends) holding you back. It wasn't all bad though, far from it in fact. Just the mere matter of companionship, having people to discuss the (entirely foreign) menu with, messing around and talking cock etc, was a fun enough experience. Having other people book flights/hotels and craft the itinerary for me was pretty novel as well, and made for a really lazy holiday for me where I pretty much bummed along with the rest.

Couldn't leave it at that so I traveled the rest of Italy on my own, covering Naples, which included Pompeii, Sorrento and Amalfi. Florence, incl. San Gimignano and other bits of the Tuscan countryside. Cinque Terre and Venice. All amazing places, and I can't imagine having not gone to any of those places. That's the immense advantage of not planning anything out in advance. Sure, it usually turns out to cost more than it would have if you pre-book everything, but you miss out on the awesomeness of spontaneity. I had my flight to Rome with the other guys and my flight back from Venice, the rest was pretty piecemeal, random decisions built upon other random decisions.

I didn't know about Sorrento or Amalfi until I was in Naples, so that was a plus. I'd only heard of Cinque Terre from the hostel guy in Naples, which was how I decided to proceed there from Florence. I think that was my favourite place in Italy btw. So if anyone decides to travel Italy, pls try to remember Cinque Terre! Oh and I did meet a girl there too... What's the point of traveling if you don't meet girls srsly? Oke whatever. Of course nothing did develop with said girl, possibly because my handwriting was/is so bad that she will never be able to decipher my email address. Huh.


Okay I was typing that halfway when I stopped for unknown reasons. That was almost a week ago maybe. Now I don't want to continue anymore. So I'll go on about life as it is now, instead of reminiscing aboot an awesome holiday I have, because that makes life now that much more depressing. Huh.

So I've just started work and within a day of reporting I had a Sunday duty. Lifesux believe me. I guess I'll have to work extra hard to regain all the knowledge I've lost over the past 9months, and re-navalize myself. Meh. It's actually not that bad, even fun to some extent, so I don't really mind all that much. Truly shite hours though, and sooooo tiring. Sigh.

On the MRT on thursday night I saw ads for the Singapore Arts Festival which opened on Friday. That's become my latest haunt. I've been there twice since, and have enjoyed a couple of performances, all for free! Friday I was treated to some slapstick comedic action and a dance performance which was brilliant. It was quite well done, and by a local troupe to boot if I'm not wrong, it was quite remarkable. The juxtaposition of the masculine/feminine, the sensuality, well lots of other stuff that I've not seen much cause I've never really watched a dance performance. Certainly a good experience, that.

Today I ate at the festival cafe where the waiters broke into dance halfway through my ice cream. That was fun. Then I looked at kids playing (non-paedophically believe me.) Then curiosity got the better of me and I approached a booth called An Umbrella For 2, or sth like that. It's this thing where they foist an umbrella onto you with headphones, and you're supposed to walk down this route while listening to the MP3 tracks they have prepared. Since it was For 2, I paired up with this random English lady for the more-than-an-hour-long walk. The concept was pretty good, and the overall experience was quite nice, so I'd say it was a successful piece of interactive "art" or whatever its supposed to be labelled as. I must say I felt pretty retarded carrying the umbrella indoors, down escalators, through Citylink etc. I don't think I've garnered so many odd looks and weird stares in a long time, if ever. Only added to the fun though, although getting lost detracted a little bit from it aha.

My new English friend and I then went to watch the main performance (also free ofc) together. It involved horses and a French woman. Well, also a french man, but the first part sufficed to capture my attention. It was pretty cool as well. I don't think I've ever seen showhorses or any performance involving horses, so I was well amazed at how obedient they were. Utterly enjoyable, and there was an unexpectedly delightful bit where they had a sort of fountain show with the figure of a horse galloping, which doesn't really sound so awesome typed out, but was pretty darn awesome.

Almost all the theatre tickets were sold out, to my utter dismay. The moment I saw The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle was showing in the Esplanade I picked up the book and started reading it. Truly diligent. Too bad all the tickets were sold out though, as were Lear Dreaming and some dance/film compilation thing. Never knew Singaporeans were so hungry for the arts, a newbie mistake at the first ever festival I've been aware of. The book has been awesome so far though, so that's a big (Y).

Not so many (Y)s in my life now, at least not that I'm aware of. Within days of coming back to Singapore I'm feeling like a drone already, coming back home in the night (if at all) and performing perfunctory gestures like a bath, small chat with the parents, getting ready for the next day, and not much else before collapsing into bed to recharge my spent batteries. Huh. That's why I wanted to blog today, so that I don't just do the bare minimum upon reaching home, or I'll embark on a cycle that never ends. I can't even muster the energy to ask people out for dinner/supper, which is why I've been hitting the arts festival on my own and eating out alone as well. I had Kungfu Paradise at JCUBE today though, and that was none too shabby for all their ridiculous dish names.

It's times like these though, that I kinda wish I had something to look forward to. Something to snap me out of my tiredness, to break the monotony. It's like I finish work and start wandering around Singapore aimlessly, making random decisions on when and what to eat for dinner, what to do and when to go home. At least there's the arts festival for the moment, but that's ending on the 2nd of June. I might feel kinda lost after it ends haha.

It's not that I feel lost, that I don't. I have objectives to work towards and a number of goals I intend to achieve, but these are all professional ones, entirely work related. They are career-goals, not ones that give me any particular pleasure. Perhaps the word here is duty, that I have a duty to achieve this goals. My friend was just telling me about extrinsic and intrinsic motivations or sth like that, which possibly might apply here. Okay this is me trying to be clever again haha.

I guess what I want is something to look forward to at the end of the day, something beyond the basic things like rest (although I do crave this like a madsman.) or a piping hot dinner. It doesn't have to be anything extravagant even, I guess sometimes even something as small and seemingly insignificant as a message will do. Sometimes I wonder, just what exactly am I working for? Why do I wake up at 5.30am and even consider staying-in, when that's almost counter-intuitive? Meh. I guess it's up to me to sort my life out instead of whining aha. It's just abit of a drag to work without knowing what I'm working for. I could say I'm working for myself and my career, which while perfectly valid, I find to be wholly inadequate. Oh well.

Okay suddenly brain won't work. Need sleep anyways. Goodnight then!

We're Not Human At All.

"Smoke ham and scrambled eggs, Mathea." I heard Epsilon put the platter on the night table before he sat down on the chair by the bedside. I opened my eyes. There was a balloon hanging from the ceiling. "I bought it on Karl Jorhan Street," Epsilon said. "Oh," I said. He was wearing his suit and he sat with his elbows on his knees, hands folded. "Aren't you going to ask?" he said. I didn't know what he meant. Then he said, "You always want to bet on everything. How long do you think it'll stay on the ceiling?" "Epsilon, I'm too tired," I said. There was a breeze coming in from the window. I was cold and pulled the cover up to my chin. "I think it'll last a week," he said. "Or, no, I'm going to say two. What do you think?" "I don't know," I said. "More or less?" he insisted. It felt like I was going to have to contend with that balloon forever. I sighed: "More." "So if I win," said Epsilon, "then you have to have dinner with me in a nice restaurant, and afterward we'll go to the theater." I closed my eyes. "I couldn't." "But that's what I want," Epsilon said. "What do you want if you win?" I didn't answer. "You can think about it," Epsilon said. I turned over on my side, so he wouldn't know that I was crying again. Behind me I heard him spread the napkin on his lap and pick up the silverware.

Neither of us mentioned the balloon again, even though it hovered right over our heads like a speech bubble in a cartoon and I imagined it was full of incomprehensible signs. The day before I was due to win the bet, I finally decided what I wanted. I didn't know how I was going to manage, but I got up and took a knitting needle out of my pine box. The air left the balloon like a sigh of relief. When Epsilon came home from work, I was ready to go out. I'd pinned my hair up with a clip and pinched my cheeks. He stared at me bewildered as I stood in the hall with my shoes on, all ready to go. My coat had gotten so big on me. "You won," I said. A deep sob came from Epsilon's throat, he'd probably held it in for far too long.

I smoothed the wrinkles from his forehead with my fingers. "You look beautiful," he said. "Thank you," I said and glanced down. He kissed my head. I caressed his shoe with the tip of mine. "Did you get new laces?" I asked. "No," Epsilon said. "Oh," I said. And then we began to laugh.



Hello again. I've sort of been in a kinda extended slump for a while now, hopefully I've snapped out of it now. I've been doing pretty much nothing, which actually isn't that uncommon for me, but it's been a more meaningless than usual nothingness somehow. As unlikely as that may sound. In the last 2 weeks I've read my remaining books, and in the past 2 days I've watched lots and lots of movies. Sounds terribly slothful, maybe, but it's more than I've done the past 2 weeks.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower was pretty good, although I was initially a little annoyed cause I kept trying to think of what I was like when I was 15, so I was like, come on! half the time. It got much better after I got over myself, aha. Some nice turns of phrases (double plural here just seems weird srsly.)

I probably liked The Faster I Walk, The Smaller I Am better. Those passages in italics above are from the book. The entire book was so understated, and offbeat, I don't know. "A gloomy feel-good novel about the irreparable loneliness of being human. A tragicomedy of rare quality." I love the jacket of the book too. And Perks' as well. When I first picked up the book I kept thinking wow, what an amazing cover! Terribly superficial, I know, but like, whatever... The only fault of The Fault In Our Stars I can think of is probably its jacket, definitely not featuring in my best dressed books of all time.

So I hadn't been watching any movies at all. I decided I had to rectify that, so I did. Somehow, almost all the movies I've watched recently have been British films. It started with The Inbetweeners Movie, which took some warming up to, but paid off I guess. Sex jokes aplenty, as you'd expect from a movie about 4 young lads off on a holiday, but it goes beyond that and delivers some really good lines.

Death At A Funeral came next. Some OTT fun, I recoiled in horror when I saw there was a Hollywood remake starring Chris Rock or something. There's something charming in an eccentric Brit family which I highly doubt survives a transatlantic conversion..

After that came Submarine. I really enjoyed that. Quite possibly one of the best running styles ever captured on camera? So much awkward earnestness, truly golden stuff. And the entire soundtrack was by Alex Turner of the Arctic Monkeys, you really don't get much more awesome than that do you! Awesome movie, I'd definitely recommend it if you're in for some lighthearted comedic awesomeness. One of the best romances in recent memory haha.

So that was part one of my British-working-class-period movies. After that came This Is England, a title I stumbled across on the message boards of Submarine or something, which is kinda dorky I guess. Aha. No regrets, however! Of the slew of movies I've just watched (slew is my favourite word for describing movies like that, I struggle to think up a substitute.) this was probably the best of the lot.

It was powerful. Dark and disturbing. Frightening, even. Mostly cause of how believable it all seemed. First 5 mins I was pretty skeptical (the super thick incomprehensible accent didn't help either, sheesh.) 30mins in, or whenever it was Combo appeared, and I was enthralled. The most incredible performance by Stephen Graham, wow. By no means the pleasantest of movie watching experiences, this is an example of how a movie need not be pleasant to be brilliant. I was mindblown for a short while after that before starting on..

Harry Brown. Unfortunately this wasn't quite as good as I'd hoped it to be. Perhaps still reeling a little from This Is England. The one redeeming feature of the film was Emily Mortimer. After watching Hugo I developed this little crush on her. Hahaha. She is cute though! And there was Michael Caine of Batman fame, but his character was a little uneven I think. Kind of a meh-movie for me, especially in the wake of something as sterling as This Is England.

Since I was on revenge flicks, I moved on to director Shane Meadows' (who did This Is England) Dead Man's Shoes. Really strong stuff. This guy clearly knows what he's doing. Starring Paddy Considine (who, coincidentally, appears also in Submarine. The small world of British cinema eh?) as 1x Scary Person. Probably one of the scariest things about the movie for me was how much I wanted the victims' suffering to be prolonged. I guess with vigilante type films the moral ambiguity plays a rather large part, but I was aware and subsequently disturbed by what I was thinking. Hmm. The super 8 footages were painful, brilliantly so. And again, it all seemed so grounded and maybe a little plausible. Gritty Britty stuff.

Next title in Shane Meadows/Paddy Considine's catalogue I was interested in was A Room For Romeo Brass. Paddy Considine again as Scary Person. Way scarier, in a totally different way, this time. This guy can bloody act man. Another realistic portrait of middle class Britain, and yet more vulnerable, exploitable victims. Which can be found in all 4 of these films. Which makes for slightly depressing watching, cause you can only imagine how likely it is that these people get exploited/abused/victimized in real life. It really makes you wonder how the world got to be such a messed up place. Although that might just be the wrong question to ask, cause who's to say it's ever been better? Maybe it's always been this messed up, or something. Oh wells.

Next I watched Sexy Beast, which sounds terribly naughty, no doubt, but it's not. Even after watching, the film, I'm not entirely sure who or what it's referring to. I might have missed something..... It wasn't nearly as good as I expected it to be, given its ratings, so maybe I did miss something. Well. Ben Kingsley was splendid, yes, but still? I guess I didn't really enjoy the movie. It was a miss for me. Meh.

The last one on my list (finally, I know.) is Ghost World. Steve Buscemi of Reservoir Dogs fame (nay, awesomeness) and a cute girl called Thora Birch. Oh and Scarlett Johansson, but meh. I'm not that big a fan of hers really, but more pertinently, she didn't have that much to do in the movie anyways. Although maybe that's just me being blindsided by how young she looked. I mean, srsly?! She looked like she was 14 or something. All in all a pretty good movie, I guess, definitely enjoyable. The social misfits/outcasts were great, but every one else was pretty much one-dimensional. There was a scene with T.J Thyne (Hodgins from Bones!) which was brilliant though. Probably worth it to watch just for Enid's counter-cultural dress sense, haha.

Quite the lot of movies hey? Not too shabby. I'm thinking I'll watch Boy A next, a film I first saw in Lifestyle or something a few years ago. It starred a then unknown Andrew Garfield, and I was totally intrigued by the synopsis. Almost watched it last year or two years ago with my sister, but the accent defeated us. Hahaha. Pathetix. Now, armed with firsthand knowledge and experience of the British accent, I shall try to watch it again. Just in case though, I've downloaded the subtitles. Haha. Give me a Scouser accent, or some Irish brogue, a Welsh accent, Cockney, a Northern accent, idk, whatever, and I'd probably be stumped. I have no idea how they understand each other, srsly. Awful stuff, mate.

Well, somehow I've not mentioned Chinawoman or Sleep Party People here. I guess I've only been into them in the past 2 weeks, but it feels like longer than that. I heard I'm Not Human At All and I was blown away. The weirdest sounds ever. And thus refreshingly good. If someone tried to describe it to me I'd probably be like meh, I don't know man, doesn't sound like my thing. I mean, rabbit masks, really cool and all, but that voice? Meh. What do you know, it works, somehow. Amazing Danish sounds! First Mew, now this.. And if you watch the live x sessions, really keep your eye on the drummer.. The way those rabbit ears bounce up and down when he(/she?) gets excited, now that's solid gold.

And Chinawoman's Lovers Are Strangers. Dat musik video.. That's just one sad video man.. I think I pretty much like all of her songs, probably Left You At The Farm stands out for its rather inexplicable title. Party Girl, Russian Ballerina, all good stuffs brother! Something so Russian in the music, don't you think. Apparently her music originates from the Russian nightclubs of Toronto or something.

I somehow did not notice Mew had a new album till recently. What a title.. No More Stories / Are Told Today / I'm Sorry / They Washed Away / No More Stories / The World Is Grey / I'm Tired / Let's Wash Away. That's kickass. And if you give New Terrain a listen.. You'll be reminded of the time you listened to Stairway To Heaven backwards in the hopes of gleaning a satanic message. Hahaha. Or maybe that was just me, bloody hell. Except that this was done on purpose. Reversing the song gives you a new one, Nervous. If I recall, both lyrics stand in counterpoint to one another, which is just cleverness upon cleverness, but I'm not sure.

Oh yeah there's Lykke Li as well, with that catchy Dance Dance Dance (or dans dans dans as she sings it) and that great little video. And I Follow Rivers of course. And I forgot to mention Skeletons, another off-beat british comedy, which was pretty good as well. Unfortunately I've run out of unread books. Hmm. Need to restock soon. Or maybe I'll just re-read some stuff. Terry Pratchett always comic gold of course, so no problem there I guess. Need to save money that's why, sigh.

Okay. I'll end here. I'll probably churn out one more post before I go scurrying off to London, at long bloody last! It's incredible (can you use the word 'incredulous' here? sounds kinda odd, to me.) to think that I've been here 6 odd months without entering the capital of England for any substantial amount of time. Downright pathetic. Paris, and Geneva and whatnot, and I haven't even been to London. Sheesh kebabs!

P.S. I think it is timely now to mention that I have somehow gotten myself a brand new online name to brandish at fellow losers, I mean, gamers who are dastardly enough to cross paths with me. Witness the rise of KILLERKAHN98!!!! Have no fear, KILLERKAHN98 is here! (You know you want to try it. Just speed yourself through that whole kahn98 bit.) Quite a mouthful, I know, but more than worth it, I assure you! Hehehe!

KiLl3RkAhN9eIgHt signing off. CIaozzz.

Especially Ordinary.

I am awake at 8:33am. Unfortunately this is not a result of my waking up this early on this brilliantly sunny day. It's me still awake despite starting to doze off at 3am. How this this happen, one asks. The fault is not in me/but in our stars. Yeah. I decided to read myself to sleep, and we all know how that works out. 5 hours later and I have finished the book. Eminently readable and relatable.

Except that they're teenagers in the book. Which is mildly disturbing to contemplate, the fact that we're no longer teenagers now, are we? Sheesh. We no longer retain any excuse to act stupidly, apart, of course, from sheer stupidity. Verily, youth is wasted on the young. It seems like I have made a hash of my teenage years... It's all dota's fault really. By my conservative estimate, I have spent about maybe 15% of my life (in actual hours, no kidding) on games. From 2002 onwards.. Roughly 5 hours a day.. It is an obscene amount. YUCKS.

I somehow haven't mustered the energy to do much these days. I downloaded FFVII so that's what I'm rocking atm, as well as season upon season of Bones. I watched The Inbetweeners movie, and that was pretty good actually. After overcoming the rough initial bits. Read Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, Mystic River, finished Angel Esmeralda and now The Fault In Our Stars. I've got The Faster I Walk, The Smaller I Am and The Perks of Being a Wallflower left. Can't decide which is next.

Oh I also re-watched Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels + Snatch exactly two days before the due date of my final essay this year. Whilst with zero word count. I ultimately embarked upon my essay at 4am the day of submission. I had 12 hours to do it, so thankfully, I did it. In about 9 hours or so. 2000 words. I have no idea what I was thinking. That is an incredibly retarded thing to do. I would kick myself silly if I weren't so pleased about my previous essay result. Hoo boy!

Now I'm thinking of my pre-easter trip, easter trip, and post exam trip. I know, money matters, but surely not as much as the youth-slipping-away-matter. Too much of europe left unexplored! Not helped by me going ga-ga over every half-priced commodity in the supermarket, however. Splurging insanely on grocery shopping, I can't believe myself srsly. My eyes glaze over at the sight of yoghurts on offer. Or spinach (trying my bestest to be a buff sailor a la Popeye.)

I had these poetic stirrings just now while reading the book. Okay that just sounds incredibly wrong. Hmm. Stirrings of poetry i.e. bits of poetry beginning to stir around in my mind. That's what happens when you read a book whose title is Shakespearean in origin. But I clean forgot it now. It's just that I've been thinking, I haven't actually thought much at all these few days.

I mean, yeah, I did an essay and all, but that was just research and readings and hammering it out on Microsoft Word. I didn't have to muse or mull, I've not pondered or wondered, not for a while now. It's kind of sad. My brain is probably partially atrophied right now. I'm just clicking for the next episode of Bones, considering what movie/book to watch/read next, small-scale stuff. Choosing between Attack Magic Item GF etc. Now if only that GF stood for girlfriend, at least I'd know I have a life. Unfortunately it means Guardian Force, although as substitutes go I couldn't ask for more hehe. I've never quite gotten over Shiva and Quazecotl.

Well yeah. I just have the feeling like I've not been using my brain much for a while now. I am consuming (reading, watching, observing) but I've not been actively creating. I'm not thinking, coming up with original (okay not perhaps the right word, cause who can say they've got original thoughts?) or at least my own thoughts, instead I'm just processing the thoughts (in whatever form) of others.

Always makes me wonder whether I could have somehow just become stupider. I thought I was a pretty smart kid, although it's possible I just thought I was and acted like I was. Probably coming across as a pretentious little tit. That's definitely a possibility aha. But I have this nagging sense always that I'm not as smart as I was. It's pretty deflating to think my 15 year old self had more intellectual chops than my 20 year old self. It means I can never mock anyone who has as his nick xxxx97 again. I'm sorry, sibehpro1997 and contemporaries like pwn.yo.ass97.

Now I don't know whether I should sleep or not. It is super counter-productive to sleep at 9am. It is terribad. My system never knows quite how to react when it wakes up at 5pm. Breakfast? Linner? Hmm. Finally get to wrack my brain, albeit in the worst conceivable way possible. Lifesux.

And my brother got his results back. Unfortunately he didn't do as well as me. That sucks. I just hope he doesn't get ragged on by our parents too much. And what a colossal idiot. I am pretty sure he could have scored a hell lot better than that. And a B for math?! What a megaturd. If he'd only listened to my sagely brotherly advice and taken H2 physics... Everyone knows you must follow what da ge says. Now he pays the price. Tsk! I was looking forward to straight As leh srsly.

And my sister is going for DCFC later. What the pongggggggggggg. I always rmb A Movie Script Ending, Photobooth, Soul Meets Body, Crooked Teeth, A Lack of Colour, I think those were my first few death cab songs. Then came Transatlanticism. Still in love with that song. 405. We Looked Like Giants. Information Travels Faster. Cath.. AND MORE. AND I'M NOT IN SINGAPORE. NUUUUUUUUU.

Anw doubt I'll be sleeping now. Just had an awesome (even if I do say so myself!) breakfast of sausages, cumberland sausages to be precise, bacon, unfortunately unsmoked, and egg, just a smite chao-ta. It would be downright destructive for my body were I to sleep right now, so I shalt struggle on. Maybe.. I shall.. DotA.

Castles In The Sky Sit Stranded, Vandalized.

Hello all. I've been absent for a whiles and you might think that it's cause I'm swamped with schoolwork and the like but... truth is I'm not. I've been having the weirdest sleeping hours ever, sleeping in the morning and waking up at night, and that is just ruinous to one's productivity. I can never get anything done in the dead of night.

I've been doing some late night cooking as a result of that, and I've just made porridge. Kinda okay I guess, but I have no idea how to deal with the leftovers. Such a novel experience manzz. Mushrooms, chicken thigh, peas, eggs, a sprinkle of basil and a whole lot of pepper. Just chuck everything in, pretty much a no-brainer. But I was really worried I'd die of undercooked mushrooms or sth, it's pretty terrifying. I'm always wary of fungi and their associates. And fish.

I haven't watched quite as many movies in my admittedly spare time as I'd have thought I would. I watched Sandcastles, a Singaporean movie which was surprisingly good, and A Dangerous Method. I didn't expect Sandcastles to be what it is, very well shot, surprisingly well acted, and very authentic. It was very relatable, if that's even a word, possibly cause of its subject matter(s). I never really expect anything too good from local productions, which is probably rather unfair to local artists, but at least it lifts the burden of expectation. It's in chinese too, so at least it was an opportunity for me to practice haha.

Keira Knightley has the most disturbing jaw ever. It troubled me in Never Let Me Go but after watching A Dangerous Method... Very odd. I knew it was about Freud and Jung but I didn't know a whole lot more about it. I definitely didn't expect the movie to make you think about sex. Not actually, you know, think about sex per se.. More like contemplate the topic of sex. Then again, it's Freud we're talking about so no big shock here. At least mothers didn't play a big part. But yeah. It makes you think.

Like.. why should we repress our sexual urges? Is sex a destructive force or a creative force, is it driven by ego or does it eclipse it? It's pretty interesting really, but I'm afraid I have to devote my brainpower to criminal law and self-defence and the like. But on my way home from the excellent Picturehouse I was just mulling over it.

If asked I'd probably shrug and say I don't know. If pressed maybe I'd say it's cause I'm Christian and I don't believe in casual sex. Then I started thinking, even if I weren't Christian, I'd probably still be repressing my sexual urges, I guess. Haha kind of a weird topic to be discussing, but still.. Is it purely a matter of conditioning that's made sex such a taboo, societal pressure? I don't see why we should let ourselves be confined by that.

I mean sure, it makes (some) people uncomfortable and stuff and I wouldn't go around discussing sex that's for sure, but I'm gonna do it anyway because no one has to read this anyway haha. It's just thoughts that the movie elicited. Definitely a fascinating movie, Michael Fassbender was amazing in it too.

Anyway both movies, while absolutely unrelated, had characters which stood out in my mind. The grandmother in Sandcastles and Carl Jung's wife. They just seemed... so sad. Like they had nothing to live for. All the wife wanted to do was produce a son for her husband, and that was about the extent of her ambitions. It's tragic isn't it? That doesn't seem like much of a life to me. And I'm thinking one day we'll all get old and our lives will have been spent and the day will come when we'll have nothing left to look forward to, apart from visits from children or grandchildren which are few and far between. And you're lying on a hospital bed for weeks, the monotony and excruciating boredom broken only once, maybe twice if you're lucky, a week by caring relatives.

Everytime I think of that I feel awful for not having visited my grandma more when she was in the hospital, no matter that she used to harangue me all the time. Sigh. And soon my parents are gonna be getting old.. Although hopefully not so soon at all!

I've just started with Bones again, and really, Sweets is just (Y). And I just watched the episode which featured Zooey Deschanel, probably the one episode I've been looking forward to ever since I found out they were sisters hehe.

I'm reading Dennis Lehane's Mystic River now. He wrote Shutter Island too, what a mind. Such great movies, both of them. And I bought The Fault In Our Stars by John Green. I saw it on Amazon and decided owth let's just buy it. And The Perks of Being a Wallflower was also on offer, so I snapped that up too hehe. So I've got 5 books unread right now, which definitely sates my appetite, at least for the foreseeable future! But srsly it's all in the names. I've got The Fault In Our Stars, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Mystic River, The Angel Esmeralda and The Faster I Walk the Smaller I Am. Tell me those aren't brilliant names for books?! Or for anything else, actually. Titles mean alot to me. Sometimes I don't even blog cause I can't think of a nice title for me post hehe.

Although I've not been reading much lately at all. Waking up at really weird times does that to you, I just feel so lethargic that all I do is watch TV shows, not even having the energy for movies. I know this all sounds terribly pathetic, as if having no energy for movies is such a boohoo haha. But what to do, I am revolting and disgusting and utterly reprehensible. :)

So I did make a Valentine's day trip to Bristol. On Monday I decided to check out the prices of train tickets and found cheap ones that cost me slightly over 10 quid for a return journey, and I thought that seemed pretty fair! I thought it was gonna be an urban sprawl, and industrial, and very working class, but it turned out rather more cultural than I'd have thought. Which is a good thing! I spent hours and hours on foot and I was dead beat. I went there on less than 3 hours of sleep, which is not a good thing at all.

It had this suspension bridge which looked amazing at night, well worth the hour or so I spent tracking it down, getting lost and distracted along the way. I had dinner at a fish and chips cause it would have been dead depressing to step into a restaurant on V-day alone haha. Another thing was the frantic looks of men going home to their wives. You could see them fretting outside florists and stuff, it was pretty funny. Although the whole atmosphere didn't seem quite so overpowering.. as Singapore's is. Or at least, how I remember it haha. You walk down Orchard Rd and count the number of bouquets you see, it all begins to look a little lame after a while I think.

Anw I didn't realize Fox Searchlights was so impressive. I look at the films they released and pretty much want to watch all of them, if I haven't already. I wanna watch Once, Shame, Carnage, and other stuff. This Picturehouse offers pretty good films to watch, and it's just about 15mins away from home. Dang. It's money, though, that I am loathe to part with.

I'm really trying desperately to keep a handle on my spending. There's the Vatican trip, then there's my as yet unplanned Scotland/Edinburgh/Loch Ness trip. And London, and Cornwall, and etc etc etc. The thing about trips is that you can't cook. You gotta eat out breakfast lunch dinner, add that to accommodation costs and you've got a hefty sum. Not to mention transport, although with sufficient planning that bit can be sorted out rather cheaply (I hope). But, and I never though I'd whine about this, you don't get to cook! And that is so bloody expensive.

Look at me, maker of goreng pisang and porridge and alot more eh? Buying only cereals that are on offer, rationing my mushrooms and watching out for expiry dates.. Damn. My transformation from Mr Useless mere months ago scares me deeply.. I feel pretty aunty-fied now, I do. At least I don't have a newspaper for me to cut clippings out of. I can just imagine me greedily poring over the papers for deals on Milo powder and the like. Terrifying!

My song of the week is probably A Dustland Fairytale by The Killers. Idk why it's been stuck in my head of late, but it has. Lovely lyrics, ofc, and that video! Sheesh, man. Brandon Flowers has no call being so talented and so good looking at the same time.

Anw I was feeling kinda guilty about nothing - more specifically, doing nothing. So while I was cooking my porridge and brewing my early cuppa Milo, I decided to do an impromptu spontaneous entirely unplanned workout in the kitchen. Boy did I take my body by surprise. Now I'm aching all over. I would say, worth it! but I'm not sure.. Possibly I'll just slump to another 10 weeks of not doing anything again, buoyed by the fact that I did some exercise in the wee morning of one random night. Where does this end?!

Skype was pretty fun, I'm glad I'm not totally forgotten... yet. Hahaha. IWTGBH, AEAORP. All I have to say is that the second half of that is impossible to guess, so I'll say it out loud. And Eat Alot Of Roti Prata. Damn I miss roti prata. I think we should talk in code from now on, it's so exciting.

Well. CUL8R.

Cut The Cords.

I don't know why but I feel suddenly aimless. Like I've been cut loose. Like I've been set adrift. I have no idea what to do, nor even what I want to do. It's nights like these that I turn to, and without even much enthusiasm if you can believe it, to dota. Don't roll your eyes angela!

It's weird. I was just reading my book, barely 20 pages in, not nearly enough for me to cast any judgment upon it just yet, when I just had to stop. I don't feel like watching a movie, I don't feel like watching The Mentalist. No real desire to play FF8. Can't muster energy for dota. Bah.

I think it was some of those lines in the book. Very plain ones (which in no way implies anything negative,) nothing outstanding at all. No breathtaking beauty of stunning poignancy. Unremarkable. But it gave me pause. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it gave me stop. I'm not gonna get any more reading done tonight.

It just got me thinking whether I've ever done anything for anyone. I don't mean just anything, of course, despite that being the word I used. I mean anything. Of value, that is, anything being such a vague word, very untrustworthy stuff. Or am I one of those hanger-ons, a leecher of life and burden-at-large. One of those people who take but never give back. Have I done things for anyone that's worth remembering?

Depressingly enough, I can't say. I hope I have, but I'm not sure. Clearly my self-worth in the throes of a bear market here ahah. Why do I remember stuff like bull and bear market sheesh. Hmm.

That's why memories are important. No matter who or what you are now, if you can look back at some distant point in time and say yeah, I made someone happy, or someone was happy because of me (hmm idk but there seems to be a subtle difference between the two, at least for me,) then I guess that's enough. What more can one ask for? To leave behind happiness.

I don't believe in shiny things like a legacy, or shinier still, a fortune. I mean sure, that's all well and good, but not everyone's cut out for that stuff man. Your common man, what should he aspire to leave behind? If not happiness, what then? A swathe of destruction and broken fingers on your way to the top of the corporate ladder? Okay, if you're talented in some way or another then yes, please do leave behind your 47th Symphony or A Remarkable Portrait of an Olde Man or sth, go change the world for the better.

But for us regular folks? Happiness. The memory of a kindness done. Companionship fondly remembered. Not to say we shouldn't change the world for the better, just in our own small ways. No need for grand gestures like solving world poverty and all that, although if you could that'd be swell. Baby steps will do. If the whole world takes a tiny step in the same direction.. it would be kinda cool. Haha I can't think of anything wise and clever to say. Maybe the earth will tilt a little dangerously.

I was just thinking of being cut loose when The Killer's Human came to me. Surely one of the most bewildering lyrics ever. Are we human? Are we dancer? Are we denser?? What??? And I was just thinking about the cut the cords part. I'm associating that with electricity and wondering: what would we be like if we cut all the cords? I reckon we'd be buggered. 6 billion people who wouldn't know how to adequately handle boredom. We'd be bored into the depths of insanity, man.

I never like to think of myself as reliant on anything but I'd be well confused if technology were to be taken away just like that. I'm not sure I could survive. There's just so many things we're used to now which would be gone. It's when I think of that that I think I can, maybe, somehow understand what the older generation are going through with all these technological advances. It's just this whole new world, one they weren't brought up in. It's kinda sad.

And they don't have much choice in the matter. The decline of the radio, kids forcing handphones upon their parents (by kids I include those middle-aged ones of course,) the seeming necessity of emails and stuff. Seriously creepy too-many-buttoned remote controls.. The list goes on. Must be pretty bewildering, no?

Umm yeah. Kind of ran out of thoughts. So, litany over. Mayhaps some dota!

The Looking Glass Wars.

I just had this most amazing dream. Or rather, series of dreams. And it wasn't exactly amazing per se; it was not particularly fantastic nor did it suspend my disbelief. Well, it did require a little suspension, but it was not the Golden Gate kind, more like the Tree Top Walk kind. Whatever the case, it was a very happy dream. I won't share it all with you, cuz it was personal! I had like 4 dreams in a row, and only one of them wasn't pleasant. It was Annabel telling me my hair is becoming a disaster hahaha. I have no choice but to say that it already is a disaster. I'm getting tickled all over my face by unruly strands of hair. The other dreams featured certain people of the female persuasion, some of whom my brain really worked hard to dredge up from the past, and it was nice.

It was so pleasant that even after waking up and subsequently failing to get back to sleep to try and hold on to the dream, I managed to retain that sense of happiness! Even till now. My subconscious probably has a crush on me or sth, it treats me so good! Hehe.

I've been listening to some songs lately which I really like. And some of the videos are brilliant too. One of them is The La's Looking Glass, which is a nice way of thinking of dreams. It's like a looking glass through which you glimpse a life you could have had, or a life you might yet have. Thank you Lewis Carroll for Alice in Wonderland!

Great Northern - Houses is one of my favourite songs atm. Then there's Kasabian's Days Are Forgotten. Madraguda's Step Into This Room And Dance With Me really grew on me. Initially I thought meh, but now I really like that song. Civil Twilight - Letters From The Sky. Guster - Satellite has a really nice video. So does Fossil Collective's On and On. SoKo's First Love Never Die has a super cute video too, co-directed by Matthew Gray Gubler!! I'm gonna have to watch Criminal Minds super soon man. And the boy in the video's name is.. Trip Star Moon. Tell me how irresistible is that? Super awesome.

Echo Is Your Love is one of my new finds, a Finnish band introduced by a Finnish friend. He told me they were one of the most creative rock bands on the scene and I concur. Silver Sufferer and We Celebrate Life, das gut! Saint Etienne too, to satisfy a craving for some electropop. Goodstuff!

Marina and the Diamonds' I Am Not A Robot is cool cause I like the lyrics. About trying to fit in and to be cooler than you are, or at least that's what I think. Maybe it's about Terminator trying to be taken seriously as an actual person, with feelings, though. It's hard when you're an Austrian superhunk though.

Well. Just watched The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo too and it was pretty good. Not at all what I was expecting. Much more... graphic. And intense. Definitely not one for the squeamish. And that girl has the weirdest face ever. Not exactly ugly, but not pretty either. Just odd.

Also made goreng pisang again, but I don't think the outcome was as good as that first time. Less creamy and it didn't melt in my mouth this time :( I think it was the semi-ripe bananas in use instead of the overripe ones. I also made a successful prawn dish, so my Cooking has gained quite a fair bit of EXP I think! When I reach level 50 I can enter the cooking guild (Y) (runescape anyone!)

Anyhow. It seems I'll be going to the Vatican for Easter Virgil this year. Definitely not something I'd foreseen, but that's what happens when you say "yes" to someone else. So many things would be different (not neccesarily better) if one just takes proposals with an open mind, instead of saying no for the sake of saying no. So a Vatican trip materializing out of no where with 2 of my fellow Singaporeans here. Should be interesting.

And I have decided not to go for the Valentine's Day traffic light party. I can just imagine the hordes of desperate single people decked out in green (or yellow, those who're trying to be coy) pouncing on any and every opportunity that presents itself. Not that I'm not desperately single myself... but that sounds pretty garish to me. Desperation in the air probably way past saturation point, you'll probably see blobs of gloopy Desperation on the walls and floors. Yurgh. I haven't decided what I'll do though. Probably stay at home and play a game hahahha. With Rinoa to keep me company.. Which is hands-down the most loserishest thing it's possible to do probably, but I shalt care not!

It's pretty depressing how I've only ever had one Valentine. Aha. In the realm of the single sad lonely gamers, the one-date man is king. So I shouldn't feel too bad about myself! Although that was... 4 years ago now! I've probably lost my touch altogether.. Hahah. That's pretty incredible, the passage of time. I wouldn't have pegged it as something that happened 4 years ago. That's a lifetime ago. Damn are we ageing!

I'll listen to Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band on V-day. There's always a song to celebrate every occasion. This Christmas past, mine was Greensleeves, or What Child Is This. I was in Nice when I suddenly thought, damn, if only I could listen to Greensleeves! I only heard it upon coming home, 2 weeks after Christmas, but it's still my Christmas song haha. Sgt Pepper's lonely, Sgt Pepper's lonely, Sgt Pepper's lonely hearts club band!!!

Ho hum. Okay. See ya'll. Signing off as the LB (lonely boi, that's what we called ourselves wasn't it? nong nong time ago.)