Adieu.

Shucks I'm awake too late. Gotta wake up at 8.30 tomorrow ohnoes. Anyway byebye singapore, for now. And I won't be seeing any of you in the next 10 days or so, so take care and farewell! Can call me but it's 50c per minute so spare a thought for my already cashless state! See ya boys and girls.

Rear Our Ugly Heads.

Procrastination is truly horrible. I never expected myself to only complete my uni applications today, I don't know what I could have been doing the past few days, nay, weeks. What a complete useless slob.

Truth be told I've done nothing of note the last few days, on a personal level that is. Of course I've been meeting up with various groups of friends for different reasons which is always great, but I myself have been rather pathetic lately. Except for that inspired $60 I spent on 4 books at the borders sales.

Then again, it doesn't sound quite so inspiring now that the $60 seems so significant to me now, when my wallet is almost completely emptied. And yes, that includes everything inside (read: POSB + EZ-link + Coin Compartment) I freely admit I'm quite broke now. Meh.

Also I've been increasingly impatient these past few days. My temper is fraying with the slightest provocation, at times. It's very.. irritating. I don't know if anyone noticed it but apologies nonetheless. I really annoy myself when I'm in these moods. So unreasonable this man. Not very nice at all.

Ohwell. Maybe I try and catch up on my sleep (read also: no funshion for me tonight!) and stop me from snapping my head off. Then I'll complete my applications tomorrow with all the posting and stuff. And finalize my trip. 3 weeks of sloth catches up with me tomorrow and it's going to be legendary.

What would you have me do now? I think I know what I should or should not do. I only wonder if I'll be able to stick by it. Litter a few words and sow some confusion. Tch.

Well should be my last post before I leave, so bye bye for some 10 days now! Have fun, whoever, in school (sucks I know) in tekong (sucks I know) or wherever :D

Insomnia@7am

Who ever heard of being insomniac at 7am? I can't sleep. I know if I don't I'm totally going to be a wreck later. How to watch movie like that? Sure sleep. To sleep or not to sleep? Funny thing, as soon as I turn on the comp and sit on the chair I start yawning, once I lie down and attempt to journey to dreamland I'm wide awake. True story.

sux2bme. And the title using @ is cool isn't it? Looks like some spanking new condo's name too. I think it'd be wise for me to sleep. Deprivation getting to me. But I won't give up so easily. Persistent is my middle name. They call me Chuan De (The) Persistent Yan. Cool or what? Yahoo. So, I'm gonna try and sleep once more! Hopefully, goodnight! (morning?) (confusion!) (sux2bme):

Edit@9.20am: Haha I didn't actually try to sleep again. I was going to until youtube and sogou conspired to assail my poor eardrums and now I'm happily downloading music instead of trying to sleep! Isn't that odd? In view of this vile conspiracy, I have decided to abandon initial plan and move on to plan b, not sleeping at all. Hurrah.

I'd ask you why you were awake. I'd enjoy talking to you. But I probably enjoy it a little too much, so I won't. But wouldn't it be nice? Beach Boys are awesome. Youtube is awesome.

I think I should leave house soon lest I'm tempted by my bed. Maybe grab a cuppa coffee somewhere. Yewtee 24hours mac now my best friend after lousy prata shop was found out to be closed. McCafe let's go!

In Love With Being In Love

Hi. Here am I typing this entry on my brother's spanking new comp with the 23 inch monitor. It is seriously huge. I am intimidated by its sheer size. Give me good old small monitors any day. I probably have to crane my neck to play dota on this comp. Haven't posted in a long time, mostly cause I'm not doing anything myself. Funshion being my new best friend, all I'm doing is watching movies until maybe 10am everyday and then waking up in the evening only to realize there isn't time for me to do anything. Too late to go out, too late to inform my maid I'm eating dinner outside, too late for anything. It's like a trap.

I'll go down to Bras Basah tomorrow to visit tecman, cause I'm tired of not having a life. Then I'll watch Up In The Air somewhere, probably GV cause I have that free ticket. Sounds like a plan. I haven't applied anywhere yet and I'm quite annoyed with myself. I'll never go to malaysia at this rate. And also I'm going to eat roti prata later in the night, maybe at 4+. Wanted to do it last night but by the time my movie ended it was 5 something, and my maid was gonna get up to prepare breakfast anyway. Later. It's a date with myself.

I'm not sure why I'm so bent on going to malaysia myself. From the time I started thinking about it I knew I was going alone. And I know it'll probably be lots of fun to go with someone else, as many people have pointed out to me. But I don't know. I'm not sure if I need time alone, or if I'm out to prove something to myself. Maybe I want to show myself that I can enjoy being alone. I used to enjoy it. And then I got tired of it. Really tired. And now, it's time for me to rediscover that joy. That ability to be on my own, again. I think I'll enjoy the trip by myself, long bus rides, random sightseeing, eating good food. Next week, I hope. I think maybe tuesday or wednesday, sometime midweek. Oh yeah and I still have to borrow a backpack and make other preparations, which sucks cause I don't know why I'm procrastinating like that.

Prata waiting for me at the end of this post. Too bad there are still things I have to get off my mind.

It's dangerous to fall in love. Or to fall in love with the idea of love. With being in love. The idea that someone belongs to you. I don't mean that in the possession kind of way. It's like you know someone will be there for you. Someone is thinking of you. Something like that. And I think it's easy to fall in love with that idea. Cause loneliness is so tiresome. Then it becomes so easy to rush into things, because you're not looking for a special someone to fill that void, you're looking for just anyone. And when there are two people equally intoxicated by that idea, maybe true love doesn't have to exist, not for them.

I'm not sure what I'm getting at here. But I don't want to be the person who's merely infatuated with that idea of love. I don't want to get together with somebody just for the sake of getting together with somebody. It is tempting, is it not?

Enough of that. Anyway that reminded me that my brother recently just came up to me and told me I was a loser for not having a girlfriend yet. Quote :Wah you damn loser leh. Very supportive kind of brother. I told him that ya leh, actually quite loser. Hahah. Brotherly love indeed.

If someone does the right thing but with the wrong intentions, is it correct? I don't know. I suspect it's wrong, cause I think intent is important. Because sometimes your intentions do not come across in your actions, but the fact is that the intent was there, and I think that's significant. Sometimes people with good intentions don't do good things, then you condemn the action, not the person. So I think I'll stop, cause I know my intentions aren't exactly selfless.

This totally brings to mind an episode of House which I felt (of course, it's House) was pretty awesome. It was about this guy who suffered some brain damage so he had no control over what he was saying. As soon as he had a thought, he said it out loud. And his wife was pretty pissed at him for some of the things he said. Because some of the things you think aren't nice at all. But I think the wife didn't get it. Most people probably think that what a person thinks reveals his true self. I think that's wrong. You can think bad thoughts but choose not to say it so that nobody is hurt by what you said. Are you a bad person for thinking those thoughts? No, you're a good person cause you chose not to say it out, cause you understand the repercussions of what you might say. That man with a fully functional brain was a man who chose not to hurt the people around him by saying what he thought. You don't have a choice what your brain conjures up. Not fully you don't. But you have a choice whether to voice it or not. And I think you should judge a man by the choices he makes, rather than anything involuntary like what his brain chooses to think. Unreasonable wife, really.

And that stupid funshion is keeping me off my tv shows. Spending every hour of my day (or night) at home on the comp and I haven't even caught up with any of my shows. I'm a useless sloth, really. And a loser for having this lifestyle in the first place. Oh well. Prata time.

I don't think I should. But it is tempting, is it not?

No More Sorrow Tomorrow.

Hi reader. You may be lost and confused, sad and depressed. (Whether you show it or not.) Don't worry. Some rough patches are meant to be endured, and one day everything will turn out alright. Just hang on and stay strong for now. Don't regret what you could have done or what you should have done. Don't ever regret trying, no matter how it seems like your effort isn't working out. Never give up. You have friends who will stick by you, and what strength we have we will lend you, so stay strong.

If You Care Too Much You Bare Too Much

Rather tired. Took a nap just now like 3-4 hours long after reaching home so I can't fall asleep just yet. Homecoming just now was pretty fun for the little bit that we played, but also quite cui during contact. Now I'm itching and aching and cut and bruised and grazed everywhere. Oh and burnt. And gonna have to change bedsheet cause of all the bloodstains. What's new.

And it's hard to imagine results coming out in a week. Shucks. Well don't worry about it guys, what's done is done, so don't lose any sleep over it. Results aren't everything anyway. And since I'm on the topic I'd like to protest this supposed meritocracy. We're all human we shouldn't be judged based on numbers and alphabets. You're not any less of a human just cause you're BCC instead of AAA. If you're 20 points instead of 6. Merits aren't based on academic results alone. Stupid system honestly. So if you're a CDD or a DEE or whatever you're not a failure, you're just a victim of a stupid system.

I have to stay awake until my sis comes home. I have no idea what time she'll be back. And I don't feel like playing dota. So maybe I'll just ramble on.

Well finally unemployed. I had no idea how taxing working is. Seriously. I work I come home I sleep I get up I work again. Hardly any time for anything at all. Now that I'm free from that hellish 8.30-6 1 to 5, I shall rediscover life. All the movies I claimed I'd definitely watch I didn't. Those that are still showing on silver screen I'll go watch. Those that aren't I'll pirate. Aye. And finally can get to read again. Books are food for your soul and I'm malnourished. Give my soul BMI 5000 I don't care.

A little too much free time though. I'm thinking of going overseas I don't know if I could do it alone. Backpacking sounds good maybe if I decide on a place I can start some planning. No idea whether I'll be able to do it. Or if I have the funds. Being unemployed has the decidedly unsavoury drawback of having no income, and that's a very bad sad thing. I don't want to take money from mom or dad anymore and this month's paycheck gonna be pathetic. So if I'm gonna be broke then backpacking not viable. Oh well maybe after army. Anyway I've just come to the conclusion that no way am I gonna be wasting my days away at home everyday. No more whole day dota. If it means I have to nip out for lunch/dinner then sure. Self-sufficiency is good!

Independence always good yeah? Maybe not. For without interdependence there can be no friendship, relationship, or any other kind of ship. Can you ever be truly independent? Would that be a good thing or a bad thing? If you realize one day that you are absolutely independent is that cause for rejoice or regret? It's rather scary isn't it to know that you don't have to count on anyone at all, that's sort of monstrous isn't it. And it's rather sad to know that nobody depends on you at all, anymore, isn't it. Then you are nothing, you're just a random bum. A random bum with a keyboard. Sometimes you want people to depend on you so you know you mean something. Otherwise, you don't. You don't mean anything to anyone.

And the Reservoir will no longer find me a willing volunteer.

For happiness to be complete sometimes you have to deceive even yourself. It doesn't matter how happy you appear to the world if you cannot make yourself believe that you are happy. So go ahead and lie away. Lie to yourself as you lie to the world. Complete the illusion. I hope you're happy, too.

Okay no more strength to continue. Shall sleep. Goodnight.

Darling Don't Despair.

Hold on to what you've got, even if suddenly it seems to grow thorns. Don't let go, someday you will find the pain is worth it. Wounds heal, but what you let go may never come back again. So just be strong and hang on. Make it work, yeah? It's not easy but you're gonna do it.

Kings Of Leon - On Call

She said call me now baby,
And I'd come a running,
She said call me now baby,
And I'd come a running,
If you'd call me now baby,
I'd come a running

I'm on call,
So be there,
One and all
To be there,
When I fall,
To pieces,
Don't you know,
I'll be there waiting

I'm gonna brawl
So be there,
One for all,
Be there,
When they fall,
To pieces,
Don't you know,
I'll be there laughing

I'll come a running,
I come a running,
I've come a running,

Be there!

I'm on call
So be there

I'm on call to be there!

I'll be cheering you from the sidelines.