Sup.

Short post.

Ahah well not THAT short. I just felt like blogging cause I've been feeling restless. You know who you can count on to encapsulate your thoughts? The masters, that's who. With simple words and simple music, The Beatles. Here's a line.

Do you need anybody,
I need somebody to love.
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love.

Okay that was 4 lines, but you get my point. That's why they should be remembered forever, not because some marketing guru decides that it's time to milk a cash cow again.

Sometimes, you really want someone to love. Probably even more than you want to be loved. And sometimes things just won't fall into place. You might hope and dream but that confluence of time and chance just won't happen. Then what do you do? What's left to do? Sit around waiting for that perfect set of circumstances, yet again? Sometimes that seems the height of folly. Other times, it seems bearable, cause it's the only thing to do.

ZOMBIIEEeee...

Sometimes life gets so boring and monotonous, it seems we're not in fact living at all. We're all zombies. If I were a zombie I'd be the cool ones from 28 Days Later which are freaking incredible. You could be.. the ones from Thriller. I prwn you like np. Anyway I just woke up, and I'm one contented fella. I mean 9.30 on a school day? Just Like Heaven. After going through yesterday like the living dead, I can feel life coursing through my veins. Goodbye, lethargy. Unfortunately, I'm going to expend it studying later. As usual. Studying is disgusting, yet oddly satisfying if you do manage to understand everything. Mostly however, it's disgusting.

Now is the time of the year where I start getting very concerned over my friends. Some people try so hard and don't do well. Some people don't try at all and don't do well. Everyone's not doing well. And nobody knows if they will do well. I'm an optimist, I like to think that all's well that ends well. It doesn't work that way however, people succeed and people fail, barring a miracle. That's what I'm banking on, a miracle. For how can He not then give us ALL things? Keep the faith.

My goodness How I Met Your Mother is awesome. I finished season 1 in one day, that's how freaking good it is. I watched the first episode and I was hooked. It's not just the bomb, it's osama plus mas selamat plus kim jung il. And more.

And.. nope, nothing deep today. No philosphical jaunts or peeks into my dark, troubled mind, I'm sorry. That's that.

Shoutout to all my friends having trouble coping with studies, struggling with life. We'll pull through.

The Death Knell Tolls.

Oh yes, the holidays are drawing to an end. Or rather, oh no. Glorious, glorious holiday. Well I'm going to be a bore and tell you how my holidays went. First half of it, I didn't do anything. I stayed at home and dota-ed and played a cutesy mmorpg game. Gaynerd, I know. Then I started studying cause I grew a conscience all of a sudden. Of course, it helped that I woke up earlier than 5pm and that woonshin asked me out to study, or my character in said cutesy mmorpg could be a legend now. That does sound like a cool alternative way to have spent my holidays. Steamboat, bowling, pool, overnight studying with actual studying involved. Been pretty b-z so it's all good.

I also watched Moon on wednesday. I'm afraid I wasn't really in the mood for a movie, I'm not sure why, but I did enjoy it. That's a testament to how good it is, even though I was just sitting there not very engaged. It's basically a one-man show, with only one actor almost throughout the movie. Acting was fantastic. It is also a solid piece on loneliness and humanity. Good premise, majestic set, great acting, sharp dialogue, there's nothing more to ask for. There's still district 9 which apparently is still in cinemas, according to the cool new function I just discovered all starhub users have which can check movie timings. Only 20cents a pop too. Fantastic.

And friend, it's been a long time. We've hardly talked, merely made sporadic small chat here and there. You're still on my mind. Sometimes I watch a movie, and a part of me doesn't want to watch it alone. Your name always comes to mind. Then I come home and tuck my movie ticket into the bunny box. Treasured. as is everything else. Friend, you are dearly missed.

There is also however, that niggling fear. A hesitance before I start a conversation. Maybe things aren't the same, the person I'm talking to isn't the same person I used to talk to. That awkwardness stemming from months of no contact that doesn't quite go away. It's odd and makes me quite conflicted. While it was to me a treasured friendship that I don't want to lose or for it to fade away into oblivion, I'm afraid things will never be the same and we'll have lost that easy normalcy between us, leaving us as normal friends who rarely if ever talk. It's too precious for that.

We are victims of our circumstances, aren't we? Or its beneficiaries, if you're a half-cup-full sort of person. Sometimes bad things happen. But how you react to it, and the reaction of people around you, sometimes those are good things. It's good to remember that.

Life, life is a precarious business. Everything is built upon the reaction of people to situations. I assume there was an original action in the first place, but pretty much everything else is reaction. Someone did this which initiated that which caused me to do this and you then attempt that. And it's like a house of cards. Unstable, rickety, but somehow it doesn't collapse. Most of the time it doesn't. So take a step back someday and recognize the sheer improbability of life. And in that improbability, find the beauty and the wonder. It'll take your mind off the A levels :)

I actually wasn't thinking of writing all that but it just came out. Good job subconscious. I like walking. It's entirely different from running where you lose yourself. It's an opportunity to contemplate and ruminate. Lovely word, ruminate, always wanted to use it and I did :D You don't even have to ponder on things if you don't want to, but it's a good time to do so. More time than you'll ever have anywhere else (except maybe when traveling but that's different.)

I'm listening to The Cure. Really weird frontman, all that makeup is just creepy. But pretty good listening nonetheless as long as I'm not watching the video from youtube. And The Police, it's a shame I'm too lazy to transfer these songs to my phone. There's something with me and oldies at the moment. The Beach Boys. And oh beatlemania is back, according to the papers. It's good that people will listen to the beatles again but if they're gonna get overplayed on the radio then damn. I'm a Class 95 fan now though, whatwith studying at macs so often. Lovely songs, the occasional classic and the occasional boyband song, and some recent ones too but thankfully not too many of those.

Well it's 1.15am and there's school tomorrow. Even after sleeping a healthy 8 hours from 10 to 6pm I'm still pretty tired. Should (hopefully) be going to sleep soon cause there's school tomorrow. Yey? School's a mixed bag. Some days I'm happy to go and some days I regret going. And most days I wake up late and my decision is made for me. Oh man. The resumption of school means that.. It's the final leg of the journey. No, I'm not worried yet, but still this is symbolic. The Last Stretch.

On a less gloomy note my parents are back so no more being terrified of running out of money. And even better. It's dota time.

The Cure - Boys Don't Cry

I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I've said too much
Been too unkind

I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try and
Laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness
Plead with you
But I know that
It's too late
And now there's nothing I can do

So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to
laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry

I would tell you
That I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it's no use
That you've already
Gone away

Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more

Now I would do most anything
To get you back by my side
But I just
Keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

Byez

Sleepless Nights And Neon Lights.

I stand up and walk out of my room. I stare out the window. I get back into bed. I plug in my earpiece and try to sleep. Again. I don't. I stand up and walk out of my room. I switch on the tv. Gameshow. I switch it off. I stare out the window. I lie on my bed. I still don't sleep. I hear the passage of cars in the distance. Zoooooom. I am not asleep. I stare at my phone. The time. Nobody attempted to contact me.

I go out. Down 8 stories, I head out into the streets. All those garish neon lights beckoning me with their unholy allure. All that sleaze and grime. A few bucks for some loving. Sounds like a steal. I enter.

I leave. I decide, that isn't love. That's business. A mere transaction.

I walk on. And still, the neon lights like siren song, calling out. Wanton displays of flesh. No thank you, I've had my share for tonight. Instant gratification of all forms, if I would only part with my money? I am tempted. I am repulsed. To lose myself in debauchery. I ponder for a moment. No, I don't think I'd like that. I decline.

I go back home. I try to sleep. I don't. I can still see those neon lights. I stare at the ceiling. I hear the drone of the fan. Whirrrrrrrrrrrr.

----------------------------------------------------

I couldn't sleep last night and I was restlessly pacing around the house. Newspapers, tv, staring out the window. I didn't want to use the comp though. I was thinking of a cool phrase to accompany Sleepless Nights and I came up with Neon Lights, thus the story. It could have been Sights or Frights or any other word. I guess the story would be pretty different if I had blogged last night instead of tonight. That's what I like about stories, and words. The infinite variants.

I don't normally like to talk about stories much. Every story has a different meaning to everybody, holds a different truth. Same for movies. Sure, I can wax lyrical about them, but deep down, what it is that makes it tick isn't the same for you and me. Although it is interesting to observe what different people take away from their viewings. And to listen to their interpretations of it. That is if you have an open mind and aren't pissed of by every contrarian notion you see (although sometimes those who are different merely for the sake of being different are quite irksome.)

Anyway I think the story is about how easy it is to lose yourself (well, to me that is). It really is easy. There are times when you've lost yourself in a brief moment of insanity (or clarity,) and times when you wish you had. It's about those days when you stay awake at night. And everything seems to be so meaningless. Those days where you wake up and everything is so dreary and you're listless all day and so indifferent to it all. It's about a lonely person and how nobody cares for what he does. It's about how people set out to buy love but never obtain it. And it's about how some things get a hold on your mind and never release it. It could be something you've done, or wish you'd done. Or it could be someone.

In the course of writing the story I somehow had the thought that a whorehouse is like a charnel house. The people inside, they're all dead. I'm not one to pass judgment, there could be circumstances which happen to set them on their path, but I just think it's sad how the most intimate form of human contact is reduced to nothing but a business transaction. I can't imagine that a person can still truly be alive after that. You've got to have life to be alive. If the meaning of life is just to get by, to live another day, then I'm sorry for you, cause life means so much more to me.

Well, so much for not talking about stories. Anyway I finally drifted off to sleep last night and woke up 3 hours later to go for 1st service. I wish I'd slept for 2 and a half hours instead. I was late by 30 minutes for service and missed praise and worship. Darlene Zschech led worship today so I can't believe I missed it. But service was pretty good and quite pertinent.

One passage that struck me was this, Hebrews 4:15-16

For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

I was pretty disappointed when I thought that District 9 wasn't showing anymore more but lo and behold, it still is. That was just a one day exception apparently. What a scare. I'm also going to watch Moon. It's amazing how many times I've broken promises to myself. One that I haven't broken yet though, is the one to not read anymore novels. I was sorely tested the other day when I went into the westmall library. Puny and laughable though the collection there is, I found 2 books that I wanted to borrow. I even took them and was heading to the machines when the voice in my head said, NO! I complied and here I am, spending every sleepless night using the comp instead of reading myself to sleep.

I also had a haircut. Unfortunately. My sister said I look like GI Joe. I guess that's what I get for complaining about Channing Tatum's ears. It's a really horrible mistake, seriously. My brother remarked that I don't have hair, I have a cliff. If you see it you'll understand. Oh man.

So it's 7.30am already. I've been up since 3.30 after sleeping at 8. I wonder if I'll study later, since my haircut is going to subject me to much mockery. Or I could stay at home and watch Mr. Patrick Jane at work in the Mentalist. Good show, that. Almost done with the whole season despite starting only on friday. Or I could dota. Or I could watch a movie later. Tempting, that.

Alright, that's that then.

I Deal In Commodities.

I'm nobody special. A businessman whose commodity happens to be that most precious thing known to man, hope. I dispense hope, for a price. Don't ask me if the price is worth it, I'm merely the dealer. (cocked eyebrow, shrug of the shoulders.)

Oh, is that so? I don't give a shit. (slams table, real anger.) Tell me about the first one. No more bullshit.

Well, if you insist. Ah, the first one. Is it not said the first time is always the best? (another slam on the table.) Alright, alright, I'm just recounting. Well the first one, she's what you'd call a two-looker. Someone you look at once, then look again. A real beaut that one. Not terribly bright though. (scoff) Whaddya know, guess what she came in with, self-esteem and image problems. Thought she was fat and ugly. Felt that her life wasn't worth living. Way too easy, to be honest. Some mock sympathy and medical jargon and I had her. She wanted to end her misery, I did.

Shut up. I said no more of that crap. So you confess to it?

Gladly, why should I deny it? She got what she wanted, I was doing her a favour, merely fulfilling her wishes. (barely restrained fury) Okay, calm down. I'll tell you want you want to hear. The second one. Oh, one to make you weep. Like a greek tragic it was. Young lad, barely out of his teens if I remember correctly. He was seeking to escape all those (faint smile) crushing issues all young people face. Out of luck and out of love, he was snared by my promises of a solution to all his problems. I offered him hope, and he eagerly grabbed it. Oh, I asked him. Do you want a way out? No prizes for guessing what he said. I gave it to him.

(grunt) Okay that will be all for today. (gets up to leave) I'll see you in cou-

Why so hasty? Perhaps you see more than a little sense in what I'm saying? I'm not a murderer, God forbid. I'm a businessman. I give people what they want. I'm sure it doesn't shock you how many people want what I can give. Truly it doesn't. Who would pass up the chance to be free of all cares? I'm not surprised I got caught, I'm surprised you would want me caught. I'm doing the world a service. Deep inside, everyone wants to die. They just haven't come to that conclusion yet. Maybe I'm ahead of the curve, or jumping the gun a little bit. But ultimately, is what I'm doing so wrong? Ending years of misery and pain that life without fail dishes out. Tell me what's wrong with that. (silence) You can't. That will be all for today, this was taxing. And may I have a glass of water on your way out?

(silence. door slams. silence again.)


I don't know what else to write. It wasn't one of the stories I planned to write, although I had one in mind about a dealer of hope. Wasn't this though, I don't know how it came about. Maybe it's the Criminal Minds (4 seasons of it) coming through. Well it's not particularly good. I don't like it myself. I think it's supposed to be a Hannibal-Joker-like murderer but it's pretty hard to portray without using any descriptive words. The idea itself isn't very strong. Not well done.

Anyway I caught Up the other day. Well I guess it wasn't exactly a very timely moment to watch it, given the circumstance. I went in with high expectations, and still loved it. I don't know what I was expecting, but the show was unexpectedly touching. It's such a sincere and heartfelt show, really moving at parts. Maybe some people go in with the notion that all cartoons have to be retardedly funny or were put off by the simple plot. I like simple, simple is good. It's an honest film that (I think) isn't just out to rake in the money with cheap laughs and cheap thrills. Awesome show.

I want to watch District 9 and Moon. What a relief, I thought Moon ended it's run already cause I read about it a few months back. But it's about to be released soon yey. And Inglorious Basterds. Definitely. I have 30 dollars stowed away, there's no excuse not to watch these movies.

Went to the Tea Party to celebrate Anjo's birthday. Such good food, and it was free to boot. Didn't expect to not pay, but what a pleasant surprise. Played Taboo (Singapore version), was pretty fun.

I don't know why I'm not sleeping, my eye bags are massive but it's 6am already. I indulged in some Super Smash Bros and suffice to say I'm a Kirby legend. Even with the lousy keyboard I managed to win everyone. Was not so good with Pikachu though. I recommend the game to everyone, it's serious fun. Yeah yeah. mega-nerd playing dota and games with Mario and Pikachu. YEY.

I did go for a walk eventually. Thursday or Wednesday night, when the skies were being hesitant. Like ai-mai ai-mai want to rain don't want to rain like that. So I thought at least it's not so hot, so I embarked on the journey in my school pants and flipflops. 2 hours later, I returned home feeling so much better. You know sometimes you have too much restless energy and dota just can't cut it? It's a horrible sensation, that. But I felt so at peace with myself and the world in general after the walk. Therapeutic totally.

Wtshit my brother woke up. He's never slept for less than 15 hours on a weekend or holiday I think. That's got me worried I'm ending my post. Ta-ta.

Where Did Your Long Hair Go?

Good thing I didn't go for a walk like I intended to. My mom just woke up coughing and can you imagine her surprise if I weren't at home at 4 in the morning. After asking her if she needed water and helping her pour a cup, she said that I've changed, that at least I show consideration now. That was awkward, I didn't know what to say. I said, aiya. But well it's true, doing good feels good, especially when you show a loved one you care.

I think, I wanna live somewhere that has all four seasons, instead of permanent humidity and heat. I'd like to go for walks but the idea of sweating like a pig rather puts me off. Just to soak in the night, enjoy the unadulterated air (no cars no buses no bikes). My brother has this plan to be a farmer in scotland (no idea why scotland he didn't provide much explanation) and live the simple life. Or just to live a simple life minus the cows and sheep and corn, say, working as something mundane in a small town. It's appealing, really. I've even set my sights on someplace that's not so far away, just in case the cows don't work out. All rolling hills and green pastures. Sounds terrific. Although being an executive in some MNC and earning big bucks while working in Europe or something could work too, I guess.

Well I'm afraid that I pretty much screwed up my GP. Every paragraph ended with me thinking, wah lao so weak. And the vocab! Like some horror story, 20 minutes and 5 words later, I felt like a nub. 1 page AQ in 40 minutes. Horrible paraphrasing for summary. And I overslept for Chem today. Absolutely retarded. Prelims have so far not been kind.

I watched Layer Cake and Mystic River the other day. I always knew Mystic River was good after watching it on Channel 5 but the adverts and lousy sound do no justice to an epic like that. Fantastic acting and story. Trawling through the imdb boards after the show, I'm struck by how many people cannot accept an ending that's not happy. Apparently movies are for you to escape reality and there's enough injustice around in real life so movies shouldn't contain any. That's just weird. Layer Cake is a brit gangster story sort of like Snatch but in a different mould. Less outright humour and alot more subtlety. Solid acting by Daniel Craig too, and I admit, there's Sienna Miller in a sort of lengthy cameo role, but doesn't feature much really (beyond the lacy lingerie). Pretty good day, I'd say. I wanted to watch Up on thursday but dota held me in its thrall, and I couldn't bring myself to leave the house. Later, maybe, pricey tickets notwithstanding.

Except that it's 8.36am now, 4 hours after I began this post. If I can wake up, I'll check the movie timings and go. If I don't, I'll be a retard for the third day running.

And yeah I guess I'm going to take a nap. Trying times for a troubled friend, but don't worry you'll pull through.

I Want You So Bad It's Driving Me Mad.

Annoyingly stuck in my head, and not the Beatles' version. The stupid woman from Across the Universe singing this cheesy line in that irritating act-sexy low voice. Terrific movie nonetheless. Speaking of terrific movies, I watched G.I Joe recently. All I can say is, Sienna Miller (black hair, specs) is oolala hot hot. As in woo I'm melting sizzling hot. She singlehandedly made the movie bearable for me. Okay plot, cheesy dialogue, not too shabby visuals. That was about all the movie had to offer and only the (thankfully plenty) sightings of The Baroness pulled me through. I'm gonna watch Up, prelims regardless.

Which reminds me of how ridiculously unprepared I am for the prelims. Probably everyone else. I don't know why I feel so indifferent about the prelims which starts in oh, 2 days. But well, too bad. It's a shame I'm not gonna ace the prelims cause no matter how you put it, nobody really wants to fail any exam. But resigned to my fate I am.

I wanted to leave iDream at the top, cause I like that story. There are a myriad ways it could have ended, but I think I like it best like that. Abrupt. Like most things that end, without warning and maybe even without reason. I wonder what I'd do if I had the choice to dream uninterrupted. Would you? Or would you persist in the hope that somehow, reality is gonna turn out good. Hope, that commodity so precious to every human being, as Terry Pratchett so poignantly pointed out.

Anyhow, I went for a little run just under an hour, maybe 10 klicks or less. I can safely say I'm not one of those people fueled by a passion for running. It's just blessed relief from thinking. Nothing to it, one foot after another. Nobody talking, the only sound the slap of your feet against the pavement. Can't think, not with the dull pain in your ankles, your knees. Can't focus, not on anything but your rhythmic, laborious breathing. Until you reach home. Ah, but by then you're too tired to do anything but plonk your (sweaty) self into a chair and rest. The good life.

Need. To. Study. Today. Yeah bumming around for the last 2 days was ill advised, really stupid waste of time. Let's hope this doesn't develop into a nasty trend. Against my better judgment however, it's dota time!

Sienna Miller, ouïe!