Immortality.

"My brothers! I would rather fight beside you than any army of thousands! Let no man forget how menacing we are, we are cougars! Do you know what's waiting beyond the season? Immortality! Take it! It's yours!"

-Adapted from 'Troy'

Pfft.

I'm not mincing my words here. I'm gonna whine and make up lame excuses, so I'm sorry.

I swear, today is the most fucking disappointing day ever. It all started in the morning, the proper time for things to begin. I went to see the 400m finals list and I wasn't inside. I honestly felt like a total retard, cause I never expected not to get in. So I had to put on like, a fake smile for the rest of the day when they asked me if I'm running. Fake smile, little shrug of the shoulder, make self-depreciating comments. Epic.

Lots of anger, an utter disbelief that I didn't qualify. I knew there had to be something wrong, but I couldn't get past my pride to go and clarify things. So I decided not to run. I wouldn't have run in the end, if not for the owens house comm asking me to run. I was pretty pissed alr la, like how can there be an error in the first place, and secondly why nobody tried to clarify it or inform me about anything. In the end I think it was something like some owens house comm members went to ask this dude to give up his place for me. I mean, how screwed up is that? Crock of shit. Thank goodness that guy was gracious enough to say, yeah. Or maybe not such a good thing. I'd convinced myself not to run cause if I did, it'd seem like I got in by default. So I was consoling myself saying "Oh wells you didn't get in aww too bad, dum dee dum." When I'm confronted by the fact that I was all of a sudden, miraculously in the finals.

Now that was even more of a fiasco. That was a piss-poor excuse of a run, it was a slow jog masquerading as a run. I was so ridiculously slow, I'd laugh at me if I saw me running. I mean, no offence to the like, one person who was behind me, but that was as bad a run as I've run since forever. I could have run faster in sec 3. That was a fucking joke. I'm incredibly pissed at myself, the world in general, for a run that abysmal. I was raging when I finished, like seriously. I wanted to lash out at something, blame anything for that performance.

Why the fuck do I only confirm I'm running 20 minutes before the fucking race. I ran during PC cause I thought I wasn't in the finals. I totally lost my mood to run. Yeah. Just great, destroy my self confidence please. How am I supposed to run when, in the morning I'm psyched and ready to run, by the afternoon I'm pissed off and demoralized, and by 6 I have to psyche myself to run the race again? I mean, yeah, those are lame excuses. But I was that angry. I am that angry. I think I ran 1.10 or thereabouts. How retarded is that? Of course, I think it was unfair to me, I'm a pretty sore loser. But yeah I agree I'm detoriating at an alarming rate. This is worrying. I also fail to perform anywhere close to my best when under pressure, or in any competitive setting. This is worrying too.

To my *snigger* fans and friends, thanks for the consolation and support. It's heartening to know that you, too, share my disbelief that I was that lousy. Some of you even came up with excuses for my dismal performance, just recovered from injury, jumped long jump, not prepared etc. While well meant, thanks but no thanks. I refuse to allow other people to make up excuses for me. I under-performed, end of story.

On the flip side, I am delighted for jialong and jotan. I was pretty surprised, I thought the J1 dude would win, but no, jialong had other plans in mind. Well congratulations, and to jotan too, pretty amazing.

I also did an exquisite one handed cartwheel and got my newest pair of boots. I guess that sort of balances out my day. Unfortunately engwah cinema sucks and west mall didn't have Benjamin Button or I'd have watched it. I hope it's not ending it's run soon, wanna watch it on the silver screen. Maybe if training doesn't end so late tmr.

On a sidenote, if you want to 玩多大, it's a good idea. I'm not half as pissed as I was before playing dota. But I'm still pissed, which says alot about how pissed I was. Okay I'm very tired and am going to sleep soon. I strongly suspect I'm not going to school tmr. Hmmm. Bad.

Well no worries, this is just a passing rage. I dislike remaining angry over long periods of time, and especially not at myself. That's retarded.

Signing off,
Emotionally unstable angry boy. :'( #/\/#(this is supposed to be self-mutilation, looks like right)

朋友，我永远祝福你

二月一日的晚上，在求是实验中学的外面，我们的巴士停了。我往外面看，看到了两排学生。我非常期待看到你们，兴奋地下了巴士。下了巴士，廖老师 就过来跟我说，德彦，他们都在问我你在哪里！我听到了很开心，拿了行李就走进求是。一进去，往左看，右看，都是熟悉的脸在欢迎我们，凯一，平帆等等。再次 见到你们，我好开心。我记得我那时对自己说，这个场面，好像一个梦, 好像是幻想出来的。

走进去，走到宿舍，看到了好多熟悉的的地方。羽毛球场，是我们第一次教你们口号的地方，乒乓球场，我们Family 4 的场地，阅览室，我们在里面一起奋斗的指挥中心。这都是我们去年的战场。我们去年，就是在这些地方，胜利的把战打赢了。我们去年，就是在这些地方，创造了 美好的回忆，创造了永恒的友谊。

这次，我又是游戏组的。可是，我是这次游戏组的副主管，所以我知道我这次活动的任务是大大的不同的。去年，虽然我不想，我当了家庭四的头，是负 责管理整个家庭。这次，我懂我一定是负责策划的, 好像去年的豆腐一样。当我看到，策划小组原来差不多每个人都是从去年的28位领袖之中，我好开心。好对不起后勤组，把三个人拿走了！没有你们三个，我们的 游戏应该会很惨吧。都忘了你们三个是谁，可是还是要谢谢你们。

在几天内，我们做了文化游戏，寻宝游戏，团队游戏。说真的，我没有真正的策划过游戏，只当过站长。所以我们能够一起搞好那么多项游戏，我感到特 别骄傲，特别开心。我一生中没有做过那么大型的活动，为500个人策划游戏。幸亏有你们，不然是一定办不到的。希望你们也跟我一起共享这种自豪，因为我们 是一起做到的。我敢肯定，你们没有人有做过那么大型的计划。能让500个人开心，是非常了不起的。

不只是游戏策划组的，我也跟游戏站长互动不少。第一次看到你们，看到了几张熟悉得脸，沈易，陵娇，还有一些上次有看过的初一学生。你们好多人的 名字，我都不懂，只记得你们的脸。你们有双倍的责任，又要负责游戏，又要看管参赛者。而且如果需要什么的，都是叫你们站长去做，比如欢迎参赛者，当带位 员，每一项活动都用到你们。比如歌唱会，AYL晚会。我对游戏站长的要求很高，又要你们拥有激情，积极的态度，勇敢等等。每次那么配合我，我也感到很开 心。很抱歉没得跟你们相处的根多，又很抱歉一直要你们做东西，你们和参赛者的时间也少了。负责游戏，不容易。去年，我也是站长，也是负责游戏。要面对一群 人，跟他们解释游戏，要确保他们都听得懂，而且要让他们想玩你的游戏。脸上总要保持笑容，要有那种活力，对一般人来说是很难的。尤其是那些比较安静的人， 当站长是一件很可怕的事。非常感谢你们为游戏付出的一切。

我知道，你们有些人可能会觉得，这次的活动没有跟去年一样感动。去年，我们真的是一条心，一起把迎新会搞好。上次的你们，不懂我们裕初的同学来 了，到底是干吗的，不懂我们是怎样的。你们一个个带领了你们的班，我们一起面对了你们的初一学生，把迎新会做的成功。第一次带领那么多人参加这种活动，对 你们来说的感动一定是很大的。你们那几天的喜怒哀乐，是独特的。受过我们只有几天的训练，突然要带领那么多人，你们一定是大吃一惊。而且我们的人数那么 少，28+20，能把活动做得那么成功，对我来说也是一种独一无二的经验。

这次，可能因为比上次多人了，我们之间的相互也比上次少了。我们又要搞好新来的领袖，又要搞好参赛者。这次，策划组的没有人照顾，跟上次有很大 的分别。策划组的和小组组长很不同，责任不一样。没得跟参赛者互动，这次的活动对你们的影响，一定不比上次多。我个人比较喜欢跟参赛者互动，可是活动必定 要有人做策划的。你们有些人可能跟我一样，比较喜欢当小组组长，看管参赛者。整天呆在阅览室做策划，而看到别人在跟参赛者互动，一定会感到不开心。我能体 谅你们的感受，所以要谢谢你们，依然投入的做策划。尤其是游戏，辛辛苦苦的策划了它们，却又玩不到，参赛者在玩的时候，又不能享受，因为要注意他们的安 全，注意有没有东西有什么问题。他们在玩的时候，要在体育馆作准备。我那三只脚，在寻宝游戏的时候要留在阅览室，看不到参赛者在玩你们策划的游戏。别的组 的也是一样，行政组，后勤组，活动组，跟参赛者的互动也是非常少的。策划组做的事是必要的，是最重要的，可是也是最辛苦的，活动完了也没有什么人记得你 们，没有人向你表达感恩。这些我都懂，所以要特别感谢策划组的。你们的辛苦和牺牲，我们裕初的人都了解。

整个活动完了，又是要离别了。当时很乱，我不懂你们有些人要回家了。直到我看到几个领袖走出校门，我才发觉到那些走的人，很可能是再也见不到 的。我看到了在校门外面有三个游戏组的站长一起走回家，就感到很伤心，没有好好跟他们说声再见。我看到了沈易，我的老朋友，一个人走出校门，很想大声地喊 再见。怎么你们领袖走了，好像是一个很正常的事？就这样一个个地走出校门？看到了认识的人走掉，好想托他们留多一下子。可是，看到了那三个游戏站长一起走 出校门，我也有一种很骄傲的感觉。他们可能以前已经认识了，可能是因为这个活动而认识的，我也不懂，可是他们之间有说有笑，看到了他们之间的友谊可能是因 为我们的活动，我感到很骄傲。

我们做领袖这行，最重要，最重要的东西就是感情。我们与参赛者的感情，参赛者之间的感情，我们之间的感情。即使活动有多么好玩，如果人与人之间 的感情没有了，整个活动也是失败的。你们因为这次的活动认识了新的朋友，不管是海外的还是自己学校的，对我来说是一个很开心的事。之前是朋友的，因为我们 的活动而根加亲密，我看到了也是很开心。所以策划组的人，我们可能没有参赛者为我们而感动，没有得认识参赛者跟他们做朋友，可是看到了他们之间的感情，的 友谊，你们难道没有一种很爽的感觉吗？你们在学校里，看到不一样班，不一样年级的人因为这次的活动而认识，难道不感到骄傲？

那天我们去了乌镇，很感谢嘉琦（不懂她的名字怎么拼）当我的导游，买东西时帮我讨价，介绍东西给我吃，还有一直回答我问的问题。回去求是的时候，我在巴士上睡觉了，到了学校，她下车了，我也没说声谢谢，或声再见。哪里知道那就是最后一次看到她。

我们也去了“化妆”，我的福气那么好，见到了李蕾，梨莉，和嘉琳。我在华庄玩到很开心，非常开心。跟你们和文威（当然少不了笑琪）一起走，一起 玩乐，一起笑文威，那种简单的幸福，我是永远不会忘记的。就走啊，走啊，享受你们的陪伴听你们的笑话。想起那段时间，我总是会很开心，因为那种天真和单 纯，真的是很难得。在华庄，也经常看到了凯一和伊洁（不晓得是不是这样写）而看到了他们，不禁跑过去讲话。还有那些在那边看到的领袖，真没想到会在那边见 到你们。

那天就是那么有缘，也看到了吴逸和她的朋友，他们那么好，陪了我和顺杰吃麦当劳。在那短短的一个小时，能够比较好的认识你们那群朋友。虽然记不起你们的名字了，还是很高兴能跟你们吃一顿饭。老朋友，新朋友，也没什么关系，只要是跟朋友在一起，我就很开心了。

好多回忆，印象都很深刻。还记得有一次，应该是团队游戏结束了，我们游戏组的人也没事干了，我们几个就在阅览室里面讲话。差不多都忘了桌子有谁 了，游戏组的，伊洁，就知道有很多女孩子，因为别的桌子的男生都很羡慕！就坐在那边，能跟你们开玩笑，讲话，我就感到很幸福了。游戏已经完了，你们可以自 由活动了，可以出去玩耍，可是你们就坐在那边陪我讲话，真是爽。有机会跟那么多女孩子聊天，想到了都偷笑。

回到新加坡都已经一个月多了，记忆里依然充满和你们在一起的回忆。和你们一起吃饭，一起过生日，一起苦劳。我们那几天做了那么多，可是到最后，还是要离开。

最后的夜晚，你们跟去年一样举行了一个派对。大家都在里面玩乐，可是我就是不能投入的一起玩。因为我懂，这将是我们最后一次这样聚在一起了。我也在想，怎么了，我们要离开了，还那么开心？我就走出去了，开始写信给游戏组。当我在楼梯那边写信，我能听到大家玩得多么开心。心里出现了两种矛盾的心情，你们和我们裕初的人一起玩得那么开心，我听到了非常高兴，可是也知道这是最后一次听到你们的笑声，看到你们的笑容。在写信的时候，就是有那种愁思的心情。当雨旸出来，给了我一杯雪碧，她的关心让我非常感动。

那晚，有些人也走了。吴逸，平帆，我记得很清楚。不懂是谁说了，外面那么冷，风那么大，不用陪他。可是，对我来说，能看到你们最后几分钟，尽管风有多么大，我也愿意。虽然可能没有什么特别动人的话对你们说，简单的送别也好。你们都是我亲爱的朋友，我怎能让你们单独一个人地走掉呢？

那晚，我们也放了烟花。那是我第一次放烟花，因为新加坡这里不容许我们放鞭炮，放烟花。看起来我的“第一次”已经献给你们了！放烟花放一半，听到了敏霞不见了电话，我就去帮她找一下。在那房间里搜索，一分钟，两分钟。。炜博果然出现了。我这个电灯炮，就快点溜走了，回到篮球场。还记得，我是跟嘉琳一起看烟花。看到她一个人，我知道她心里在想什么，因为我也有同样的感想。一起看那美丽的烟花，不是很完美吗？

隔天早上，我们上了巴士，走了。我们多么不想，可是我们的巴士就那么走掉了，而且是第一个。去年我们走时，还有很多时间说再见，说最后的几句话。这次，我们的巴士上有别的学校的人，不只是我们而已，所以不能说留就留。而且那些人也真没良心，把窗口旁边的位子都霸占了，让我没机会看到你们最后一眼。这次真的是不够时间，只能拍几张照，说几句话，我们就走了。

亲爱的游戏组，我还是很想你们。吕歆，佳兰，敏霞，雨旸，钰炜，夏雷，陈婷，珠俞，路姚，伟能，梨莉，这次的活动我跟你们在一起的时间很多，是你们给我最多感动。

吕歆 - 去年你是游戏组的组长，所以我很多东西都交给你做，要向你抱歉。谢谢你，不管我叫你做什么，你都去做，让我的工作容易多了。去年你也是跟我同一个家庭的，我没有忘记。两个活动都有机会跟你一起合作，是我的福气！

佳兰 - 辛亏老师们让我把你调进来策划组。进了策划组，是一种牺牲，我非常感谢你能为我们而做这种牺牲。那么巧，我们能在那边过你的生日，希望那是难忘的。你是去年游戏组的副组长，我也把很多东西推给你。你也是我的三只脚之一，不要忘记哦！

敏霞 - 最后那晚，我还记得，我们欲初的人就站在里面，等你们出现。你一进来，就跑过来抱了我。我看，那可能是我一生中最开心的时刻了。就那么一个动作，让我知道在这整个活动，我至少影响到一个人。


朋友们，我永远祝福你。

Skool.

I'm a retard for being awake. I had this epic plan to stay awake the whole of sunday and sleep at night, but obviously it didn't quite work out. I woke up at 12am and here I am. Gasp. Everyone else is asleep. I'm da retarted!

What a blast. Went out more in the last week of the holidays than the preceding 8 weeks. But my activities are pretty boring, something like mahjong eat mahjong sleep mahjong etc. My mahjong career is off to a bright start, I have a positive net profit value. Applause. Anyway it was Zhi kai's birthday and congratulations on turning 18. Old fart. 17 is the smexy.

I refuse to go back to my bed in a pathetic attempt to sleep which will inevitably result in my tossing and turning for eternity. I refuse to allow my mind time to dwell on its flights of fancies. I cannot be seeing so much from so little. The hidden meanings in every gesture or action. It's not healthy to fuel an impossible obssession. To think, here lies hope! To imagine.

I just took a break to play dota and I am the man. The manliest pugna ever. It's 3.30. 3 hours to school. And my sis just came home. I'm going to watch Balzac and the Little Seamstress. Unfortunately, the screwed buffering time means that I may not be able to finish it. I'm about 3 quarters through. Damn. 6 o clock. It's the start of school. I hope I survive not doing chem or math or whatever other homework there is. Or not cutting my hair yet.

Hello school.

All Things Work Out For Good.

That is where I'm putting my faith in. That everything happens within God's plan, and that all things will work out according to His will. Whatever perceived disaster. Whatever problem that seems too large for us mere mortals to handle. But we are not without help. We have our Daddy God, and through Him all things are possible. Maybe tong is gonna meet some lovely lady in the hospital or something, I have no idea. But yeah, nothing can be 100% tragic when we're in the hands of the Lord.

Isaiah 53:5 - And by His stripes we are healed.

Amen.

Wish You Were Here.

This christmas seems to be somehow lacking. I don't feel an inkling of festivity somehow. Probably the absence of a christmas tree at home. Or me not going down to town and seeing all the decor. Despite that, I've been having fun the past few days. Spent christmas eve at nuoshi's place playing mahjong. Might sound pretty lame, but it was all in the christmas spirit, cause I gave away a few dollars. Reached home at 1pm and slept till 6, when I woke up to go for the bbq at lucas' place. Pretty good fun, got my one and only christmas present to date, albeit only through the gift exchange. Cue sympathy. It was a bright, bright yellow towel just the gay I like it. Reached home and slept, woke up at about 3.30 and went for a walk.

I wonder what it is about playgrounds that they have to be remodelled once every few years. After visiting all the playgrounds around yewtee that I used to know, I found only one that remained unchanged. And even that one they removed the sand for the rubber floor. I love(d) sandy playgrounds. They aren't half as fun without the sand, cause you can't jump off the top of tall stuff into the rubber, the way it could be done (without serious injury) with sand.

So I began my walk with a visit to the playground beneath the house of the girl I liked in primary school. Pretty amusing when I think about it but I used to spend quite some time there hoping to catch maybe a glimpse or two.. I suspect I had absolutely no sense of shame in primary school. Which was just as well cause she finally succumbed to my charms sometime in P6. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Went to the playground where I spent everyday after school playing blind mice and as far as I could tell it was unchanged. I have no idea how I could have felt like we were such cool guys, when all we knew was how to play blind mice. Then went to stagmont park and I was so upset that the playground there went for an extreme makeover. That was the playground where I tried so mightily to impress all the girls with my uber blind mice/catching skillz. Now it's a very lame little playground. Walked around randomly until I answered the irresistible lure of home. Spent about an hour or so.

I realized that alot of the experiences I have, I share with my brother. This playground or that playground. This lanshop or that lanshop. Most of my childhood, in fact. But I have no idea if I understand him. You know, like what motivates him. All I'm certain of is that he's really smart, and that he likes to use the computer. An understatement, really. He spends everyday at home on the computer. Whole holiday, I think he went out 3 times. Amazing. I remember uncle weemeng asking me about him, and my answers were all along the lines of no idea. Does he have a confidante, does he know what he wants to be, etc. I dunno, is it by choice that he keeps his cards so close to his chest? Or is that just the way he is. No idea. Well one good thing is that he sleeps like 15 hours a day or sth, so I get to use his laptop to watch movies and shows.

And I watched Hard Candy. It is good, very good. The leads are basically, the only 2 people in the movie. The rest of the cast of 5 spend less than 3 minutes on screen. You'd think it'll be really boring to see just 2 people. But it works. It's great. Ellen Page is the best. Ellen Page is the amazing. The dude is, unfortunately for him, too good. Cause he plays a paedophile, and looks too believable as one.

And I watched The Usual Suspects. It is good, very good. Very good story. Kevin Spacey is good, had no idea he was John Doe from Se7en.

And I watched Harry Potter and the Order of The Phoenix. It was dark, very dark. Shit, there's a reason why pirated movies are bad. Bad. I couldn't see half of the show, cause it was all black. I guess there are limits to online movie watching. Every scene in the forest and at night and at the ministry, I saw black. Stupidity. I still have no idea how Grawp looks like.

I now know for sure I'm a LB. I switch on my comp and go on MSN and then abandon it to use my brother's comp, 15 hours later, only yewsiang talked to me. I almost broke down and cried. And the last of the correspondence I had through SMS was with triton talking about Pro Evolution Soccer. WTH. At least I'm not spending Boxing Day playing Garena. I still retain some dignity. That's why I went for a walk. I promised myself that I won't be such a loser and play dota on the night after christmas.

Anyway I'm gonna stop now cause I'm going to take a dump. So cheerio and merryhappy boxing day.

How I wish, how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl
Year after year.

But you don't seem half as lost now, do you?

Merry Christmas ; Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to You,
Happy Birthday to You,
Happy Birthday to Jesus,
Happy Birthday to You.

Yeh, Christmas once more. Happy two-thousand-and-eighth birthday.

Merry Christmas.