The Coward At Midnight.

I'm doing my essay and I'm dying I've not been so frustrated in a long time and I think I crave someone to talk to I wish I had someone to share my misery with but the awful fact is that no, I don't have anyone. I'd like to laugh at someone else's jokes or for them to laugh at my silliness and just shoot shit off and exchange nonsense and witticisms so that I can relieve some of my boredom and stress. I can't remember when I've last felt so futilely pathetic haha.

I heard a song called Midnight Cowards so I started wondering whether people get more or less courageous as it approaches midnight. I mean if you're afraid of ghosts or something then clearly you'd get more scared. But it seems to me that some other things get easier to do the darker it gets. Maybe some things you wouldn't want the daylight to be witness to. Or things you want to have the excuse of night madness to fall back on, and say, "that wasn't really me."

It just seems to me like the things that require some form of actual courage I'd rather perform in the dead of night. The day is for the routine, the humdrum execution of our daily chores. The night is the realm of dreams and of leaps of imaginations and maybe even courage. The night is for excitement and being whisked off your feet and onto carpets which fly. The blackness of the sky is the backdrop for fantasies to come to life and for visions of unreal beauty.

It is only at midnight that the coward can delude himself sufficiently to do something he has not the courage to do.

I know, poor sunlight and daytime getting such short shrift haha, but of course they are good in their own right. I'm just not in the mood to try and write nice things about it cause I'm in a dark mood haha. Maybe I need an infusion of midnight courage myself.

Tally-ho! Onwards! (to the essay I ride, all valiant and gallant.)



P.S. Here I am awake at 3.37am probably cause I'm so scared about my impending Essay of Doom that I have no peaz of mindz. HEALP?!

Perfectly Protracted Procrastination.

I just walked home from the rain, which would have been brilliant had I been reasonably attired. But no, of course I wasn't! Reasonabledness is for l0zers please. Of course I was decked out in my deck shoes, which screams Summer! and today Sperry's: 0 Nature: 1 so my toes suffered the horriblest of collateral damage. Stupid Stubborn Singaprean w/o Socks. I wisened up and bought a pair of shoes just 2 days back, but I'm afraid it's TLx2 (too little, 2 L8) and my feet hate me already.

And I bought my shoes only cause I needed it to go with my smart outfit for a rugby christmas dinner on saturday. I thought I was looking all smart and preppy (some say smashing even) but then I turned up in my leather jacket and everyone else was wearing suits, with ties, even bow ties. Man. I hadn't looked so smart since stepping foot onto these shores and I was outclassed immediately. I was crushed. Nothing a few pints couldn't remedy though, so I patched up my self-esteem and had a blast.

I even went to the club in the uni with my housemates and had a surprisingly good time. I only went cause it was one of their birthdays and I couldn't properly refuse (my impending Essay of Doom would have been a good opt-out clause, but seriously. It doesn't bear thinking about on a saturday night. Abandoned in the recesses of one's booze-ridden mind and branded Untouchable till Monday drearily creeps around.)

Anyhow, my intended point was that in the past few days or so, I'd embarked on a (none-too-bright) shopping spree and totally spruced up my wardrobe. I've not felt so preppy since I've been here! Shame about the hair... I spoke to my sister on skype and she agreed that it "looked like shit". It's bad enough on a normal day but when it rains like it did today? A full-fledged disaster, that's what. Words cannot express my shame and horror when I peer into the mirror upon reaching home. "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WALKING AROUND LOOKING LIKE?! EW UGH YUX >:O"

I'm not sure if you've inferred from my activities lately that I clearly haven't done any work at all. It's true. Deeply disgusted. Absolutely abhorred. Spectacularly sick. Grotesquely gross (this is pushing the boundaries I know.) At the same time... so pleased with myself for booking my christmas holiday! So I haven't been 100% unproductive... just in the academic sense, yeah. Shipping out exactly a week from now, I am pretty damn excited hehe!

You see how I do digress. My procrastination, yes. I remember I said that I'd have to work doubly hard after returning from Portsmouth. I didn't. I said I'd start after saturday night, with the dinner out of the way. I didn't. I'm going to start it after this post, which I really intend to do, except that now that I've made such an epic resolution, I'm gonna go on and on and on and this post will probably be impossibly long. Mathematically, it might even tend to infinity. Because I'm just so unkeen to start work sighz.

And yet the truth is that I remain convinced in my ability to work under extreme stress, and in fact in my flourishing in it. A very unwise stance to take, and risky to boot. But so it is. I will forever let myself be lulled into this false sense of security and leave everything to the very last minute. More boo me!

But I'm definitely starting tonight, there's loads of research to be done and all, and I'm starting from absolutely nothing. It is going to be horrific and I know it. That's why I don't want to start! Hahaha obviously not the best argument out there is it? It is flawed and self-serving and just inherently wrong. And you know I'm just flaunting my vocabulary to stretch out this post and put it off for another minute or two... okay ten minutes tops.

Oh my group leader actually gave us all christmas cards today, how magnificently sweet of her! I don't even think I've ever received one like ever. And fed us with cookies and marshmallows and squash. Couldn't have asked for a better group leader srsly.

Okay enough trite. I'll be sufferring very greatly very shortly, so do think of me often guyz.

Stop. And Listen.

Hullo my ardent followers, it's Deluded De here yet again. Here's a super-cute link. It'll make you go awwwwwww and feel good for the rest of your day/night. I might be exaggerating a teeny ween but it is verrah cute. “When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” – Karen, age 7

Awwwww! Don't you wish you were twinkling too! Want2havekidsNAOOOO!!!! Oh wait. That would be really wrong. It's suggestive of a certain action... OKNVM.

I don't know about you guys, but after watching the viral clip from the Bollywood movie about "The truth about women" or sth like that I decided I'd watch the whole damn thing! Hehehe. Bollywood <3s From Vasantham Central to Om Shanti Om and now this! Pyaar Ka Punchnama is the name of the movie, and a simple online search will turn it up with pretty decent english subs to boot! It was quite enjoyable actually, which is typical of any indian movie even if it doesn't say anything about how good it was. But this was good. A skewed perspective to be sure (at least I hope it's skewed, I'd be utterly depressed if it were fact) but a riot to watch. You should srsly consider watching it! (Whoever "you" are, mysterious ardent follower.)

I totally didn't mention in my post-booze post why I was boozing in the first place. I had the awesome Finnish Independence Day celebration in my flat, hosted by my awesome Finnish housemate. They did this massive baking/cooking thing and invited like 50 people over, thankfully only 30 odd showed up. And there was enough food for everyone. What a feat! Quite fun really, and lucky me got to talk a little to the other cute Finnish girl! Hehehe. Hao kai xin! But she's way older so don't worry single ladies! Hahahaha sorryz. Anyhow my point was going to be that house parties are pretty awesome, especially when you get nice people coming over for fantastic stuff like Independence Day. I'm thinking Will Smith. And aliens.

I'm quite considering starting to collect le Carré’s books. I have this tab open that says John le Carré’s The Smiley books and I can't bring myself to close it. Haha. Man, srsly irresistable. Let's see how it goes with the finances eh?

Funny how I haven't watched Apple of my Eye or whatever that chinese show everyone is going gaga about is, but I've watched an indian movie instead. Clearly not a very successful chinese. Really shows where my loyalties lie eh ws? I have this sneaky suspicion you're tempted to leave a comment, so I'm halting you before you can say "insert snide remark".

Okay I'm out of here.

The Human Paradox.

Some weighty issues on my mind. Probably the end-result of too much booze and no outlet haha. I've just sat through this nasty dispute between 2 of my flatmates.

I knew the inevitable conclusion was gonna be ugly, and yet I couldn't bring myself to interject at any point in the argument. I wanted to, but I refrained because I thought it'd hurt the sensitivities of one of the guys. Which meant allowing the argument to play out to its nasty conclusion. It was quite a ridiculous argument really, but that's beside the point maybe. Is it that in order not to fracture my relationship with my housemate, I allowed the two of them instead to ruin theirs? Isn't that really self-serving of me? Was it a lack of moral courage that kept me from speaking up? I have no idea, but I just feel a little awful because I could see exactly where their conversation was going, yet did nothing at all. Bah.

Then as I was taking a bath (to rid myself of my stinky-booze-ridden-stench of course) I was just thinking how I hope my parents are doing perfectly well without me back home. That my absence doesn't bother them one bit, and that they are as happy as before. Another part of me though, hopes that my presence back home does in fact affect them, if only to reaffirm myself of my own important role in the family. It would be nice to know that you're a vital cog in the happy running of the household. And I'm thinking: So what do I really want? And I don't think there's an answer to that. Who's to say if your selfish nature or your selfless aspirations is the stronger?

It's the same with ex-lovers (or Almost Lovers, thank you A Fine Frenzy for a more than fine song) I would imagine. You wish they'd move on, and leave the unhappiness behind, and at the same time wish they don't move on, cause you hope that you were that important to them. If that makes any sense at all. In fact, in a vindictive way you probably have this faint (hopefully; instead of intense and raging) desire that that other person is suffering without you. Or maybe that's just me hahaha. A very vengeful person is me!

Okay that's about all I have to say, I just thought I wanted to note down some of the thoughts I had on these 2 very human situations/experiences/thoughts/whatever/I/don't/know/how/to/label/this/properly, just because. I doubt animals go through such nonsense really. Humans suck. But being human.. doesn't. The Piling up of Paradoxes (paradoxi maybe, sounds way k00l3r.)

I also had a brief discussion with my flatmate on the benefits of globalisation. He's a geographer, go figure. I'd never really thought about it fully, but I think that on a personal level I like it, cause I have the opportunity to travel most anywhere in the world, watch movies from around the globe, listen to music from all corners of the earth, etc etc. But in the grander scheme of things, I think globalisation has made people less happy.

I wouldn't go so far as to say it's made people unhappy, but I have this stubborn belief that people were happier in the past. Something about the simplicity of their lives maybe? Then he asked me if it was because people now have more options than they used to, and after some thought, I said that yeah I reckon so. To which he replied that that's pretty much Marxism! Hahaha who knew I was a closet commy! I should be Chuan De Bolshevik.

Okay now that really is all, it's awfully late and I have a game tomorrow which I might or might not play in, but I've got to prep myself anyhow. Morning all.

But Everything Looks Perfect From Far Away.

If my head were a microcosm of the universe, my hair would be (a) black hole(s) (I have no idea how many it would be.) It's collapsing under its own weight. It used to be Hong Kong (think: hilly, gradients.) but now its Singapore (think: flat.) It's disturbingly pangsai-looking. Hahaha.

I've not had such long hair since sec 2 I think, nor such flatness. Like an LCD screen. I don't know how to handle it anymore, nor my conflicting emotions about it. Cut it or no?! Oh well. Sheer dogged persistence will see me through this trichologic crisis. Maybe I will emerge looking like one of the pretty J/K-pop boys sans the pretty. One always dreams.

I finished book 3 of 1Q84 last night. Massive. Can't wait to get home to my treasure trove of Murakami books! I liked the idea that it's taking us all this time for us to learn just how lonely we are, so that we can truly appreciate it when we're not.

In a rare fit of sociability (probably not sociableness, although it seems to fit better) I just spend hours chatting with my housemates. First it was a quite serious discussion with the master's student about euthanasia, which brings about with it a whole host of problems like right to life, definition of life, definition of death, abortion, Nazism, societal and cultural norms, stuff like that. Pretty heavy stuff, but I think we're both too firmly entrenched in our own camps haha.

Then we moved on to much more fun stuff like how playing with poo is normative behaviour, and it descended from there, so you can imagine it was utter nonsense. The best part was that winter in Finland next year seems to be quite a likely scenario! Reindeer, ice, snow, cottages, dogsledding. What in the world?! These are things that are almost beyond the realm of possibility, right on the fringes maybe, the very margins of likelihood. Crazy stuff man.

I watched Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy on sunday. Good acting, very atmospheric and intense, but I couldn't really understand what was going on. Seems like a second viewing is in order, or I should purchase the book. I think I'd like to know the entire backstory of Smiley and Control and co.

Okay that was all, brief interlude.

Q: How Do You Fight The Loneliness?

A: It varies from person to person, really. Some people find refuge in books, some in movies. Others still seek solace in the darkness of clubs; the frenzy of dancing. Some throw themselves at their work, some at the harsh mercies of alcohol. Some claim that certain permutations of the above work exceptionally well, alcohol and clubbing, or books and movies, or any other you might care to choose.

I find the secret lies in crying. There is nothing more cathartic, nothing purer than tears. There is nothing like crying to reconcile ourselves with the fact that we are awfully frighteningly alone. That the solitude is very real. Once you know that, it doesn't affect you any longer, not really. Then you can move on.



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When I get to the city
My tears will all be dry
My eyes will look so pretty
No one's gonna know I cried

Hello all! I just had these random thoughts about how to answer more properly Wilco's How To Fight The Loneliness cause I don't agree with "Just smile all the time." I think if you do that then even your smile loses all meaning and what can be sadder than a person who's lost all meaning in his/her smile? It's very much a fictional answer so don't go away thinking that I weep like a babe newborn. Not that I'm ever likely to reveal that plz. Hehe. I think I suit the enigma look.

Then I heard those lines from Dum Dum Girl's Baby Don't Go, which I thought was such a nice addition since I'm gonna go all weepy creepy.

I just came back from watching Hugo in 3D and it is marvellous. I had no idea what to expect other than Martin Scorcese doing an animated film, an absolute shocker to be sure. Then I saw Chloe Grace Moretz, Ben Kingsley, Sacha Baron Cohen, Christopher Lee, and The Boy In The Striped Pajamas. It is just stunning, and I think the extra 2.60 I paid for the 3D was well worth it. It's hard to find something so heartfelt and sincere in this cynical world anymore. And Scorcese's love for the movie industry is quite plain as well. Definitely a must watch, I should think.

I think I'm gonna have to share what my sister said to me a while back, cause I thought it was absolutely hilarious. She said: I came out here to discover myself and I discovered I am boring. Or something like that. Hahahaha. That's such a ridiculous statement. Anyhow I am glad that she finally got her butt out of her house and out of Melbourne and into Greater Australia, or at least Sydney, which is a start!

The best (maybe only) way to find yourself is to lose yourself, and you cannot accomplish that by any more satisfying means than travel. Strike out in a random direction and work things out. Get misled by lousy maps and misdirected by hapless strangers. It's a great way to really know a place/city as well, but that's secondary to your having loads of fun and many exciting adventures tramping about town. Who cares if you've seen the seedy underbelly or all the touristy sites of a place if you've thoroughly enjoyed yourself!

At least that's what I'm telling myself as I plan my Christmas getaway. It doesn't matter if I miss out this awesome city or beautiful town or wtv as long as I had a whale (hopefully sperm. as in sperm whale, not as in as long as I had a sperm. because sperm whales are big. huge.) of a time.

I'm just thinking how I miss my old playlist, the one which had Belle and Sebastian, Camera Obscura and Imogen Heap/Frou Frou in it. I think they go particularly well together. Like if I'm in a minimalistic (maybe even nihilistic) kind of mood I'd listen to The xx, Portishead, Young Marble Giants sorta stuff. Then there's the rock-out-with-your-socks-out type with RHCP, Jimmy Eat World, Arctic Monkeys, Kaiser Chiefs. And the indie-pop/rock Death Cab, Eisley, The Shins, The Rifles, TNAF kinda stuff. And so many more. Life is only barely bearable with the existence of music really.

It's such a happy occasion when you get to list out your favourite stuff (bands/music/books/smells/people/feelings/memories) cause you feel so awesome after that. Like mmm that's quite a long list, I am awesome! Any resemblance to Barney Stinson purely coincidental. I shall start watching HIMYM THE AWESOME soon. Hehehe! It's going to be LEGEN- (and I hope you like milk) -DAIRY!!!!!!

When We Leave Can We Leave Goodbyes Behind?

I'm currently listening to most delectable song ever, by Karen O. Damn sick. Click here to listen. Then click the right-facing arrow (AKA the play button) to begin falling in love. I love it when random clicking around on the internet leads you to gems like this, although I know I very well shouldn't be doing any random clicking around at all. Discipline fail.

Just wanted to share how mind-blowing Melancholia is. I think it is quite possibly the weirdest show I have ever seen. Rarely do you end a show and go: What......???? Wow. I don't even possess the words to describe the movie. It had some stunning cinematography, it was a beautiful movie that's for sure. But anything other than that.. I don't know man. Watching Kirsten Dunst makes me wanna watch The Virgin Suicides again though.

And I watched Never Let Me Go as well. I thought the school scenes were inadequate but the second half was really good. Especially that scene with Tommy outside the car, even though I knew it was coming. But that was moving. I didn't like Keira Knightley much though, her face seemed to be twisted half the time and it just looked so wrong to me :/

I just watched Wall Street to prep myself for Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps cause I'm trying to watch all the films with Carey Mulligan in it hehe. I'm considering re-watching An Education as well. In case I was unfairly distracted the first time hehe.

I'm probably gonna watch Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy on Sunday at the brilliant Campus Cinema. Oh no more random clickings just led me to the news that Ben Gibbard and Zooey Deschanel are gonna get divorced. Whyyyyyyyyne. I thought it'd be one of those perfect marriages of awesome people, much like Jonathan Safran Foer and Nicole Krauss. Depressing stuff haha.

I had occasion to think about it recently (my friend was talking about some study he had to research about) and I was just wondering: am I a narcissist? (Weird question to be asking oneself really) And I'm not sure really. Haha. But maybe you could argue that blogging, or writing stories, is a manifestation of that narcissism. Oh whatever haha.

I don't think I'll be posting any of my stories anymore. Maybe it's taking a leaf out of Tommy's book (in Never Let Me Go) and building up a collection in case I ever need to apply for a deferral haha oh wtv. But it's just.. I don't know what I'm doing with them anyway. What I'm seeking to gain out of them. Praise? Approval? Unlikely. They don't matter to anyone else other than me, so I should probably not inflict them upon others haha. If I could write something like the 6th Burrough (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, one of my favourite short stories of all time) though it'd be a whole different ball game!

When I was a young wee boy I used to wonder whether I could be a writer, seemed like a pretty cushy job to me! Seaside residence, drink in one hand typewriter in the other. The only homework involved being reading books. What a dream job! Haha. Now if I think about it though, I don't think I could ever be a writer. Talent notwithstanding, it's the idea of publishing a book and exposing yourself and letting the whole world critique it. What if you think it was the most amazing piece of work you could have done but the reviews say "pretty average" or "absolute tosh" or something? I think your self-esteem would be smashed really, and you'd never ever write ever again! Maybe that's why people have pen-names so at least they wouldn't ruin their whole lives haha.

No big loss anywayz. Anyway I'm listening to the Canadian duo Tegan and Sara (yeah it's not just Nickelback and Avril Lavigne from the Great White North! There's Robin Sherbatsky as well. So there.) and I thought this line was quite nice "Maybe you could have been something I was good at." or something like that.

All we ever wanted was everything.
All we ever got was cold.

Heard a cover by MGMT of Bauhaus' All We Ever Wanted Was Everything. Amazing lines eh? And here's a little mystery, cause everyone loves mysteries. 156, 405, 505. What do these numbers have in common??? They are awesome songs, by Mew, Death Cab and Ze Arctic Monkeys respectively. Why are numbered songs so amazing?! A mystery indeed.

Apparently I have to learn french if I am to be spoken to at all in France. Apparently they ignore pure-english speakers cause they hate the country I'm in. Uh oh. I can't hardly do chinese even......... Bonjour! Oui! 什么?!?!?! Yeah. That's how I project my conversations to go :(

Okay I think that's all for today! Au revoir (the actual pronunciation of it stunned me for a short while.) Same with salut. I can imagine great difficulties lie ahead. :(