I had rugby training just now and I barely made it home. It was raining. The wind was blowing. I was vibrating. If you could combine receiving a call and a text msg and a whatsapp notification and BBM and twitter + fb update and and and ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Maybe it'd be what you get if you watch a palm tree lazily swaying in the strong tropical wind at 5000x acceleration. Brr brr teeth chatter brr brr legs shake brr brr.
At least when I was still in training I had something else to focus on, like unclenching my fists to catch the ball. It was on the way home that I started thinking: Oh my head I am absolutely miserable. I can barely feel my toes, my fingers are warped and stuck in the same positions, I have mud all over my body (and I realized later, on my face as well), I look like a hobo, and my hair looks like pangsai. That was the clincher man.
And I realized I was feeling very cheery about all that misery. What a paradox eh, I am such an exponent of puzzles and enigmas (maybe enigmae a la amoeba/e, think about it: Have you ever seen enigma's plural form??? A new mystery, that.) So I was thinking about it, by all accounts I should be feeling ratty and miserable, perhaps even on the verge of tears (I'm sure someone of a fainter heart/weaker constitution would have wept, it was that bad.) but there I was feeling all happy and cheerful and laughing to myself. I reckon misery is brilliant if you know it can't last.
Probably at the back of my head (cause the front was filled with dire thoughts i.e. how not to die) I knew I was going home to a bloody hot bath, and I could whip up a hot meal and luxuriate in the comfort of my heated room. So my misery only served to amuse me. But this theory doesn't hold water when I apply it to stuff like MIDS and MSTD and I kept trying to reassure myself that, it's only 6 weeks, we'll be back in Singapore soon! but somehow I still felt proper miserable haha. Perhaps by then I was already deadened and pissed off with the world at large. What memories eh?
But it's probably a useful skill to be able to be jovial and laugh at your own misery yeah? Then at least there's happy misery in addition to proper miserable misery, so the actual suffering involved is halved (assuming ofc that misery is split between the two equally, which is quite unfounded really.) Pretty good hey.
Anyhow I think all those old finger injuries are rearing their injured heads at me now. While I was freezing my posterior out on the pitch my fingers just seemed to be cramped or sth, and it was quite painful to move them about. Even now I can feel the discomfort when I wiggle my fingers. But spending >30mins in the shower is such bliss srsly, everyone should have a jaunt in the cold November rain just to experience such pure unadulterated bliss. Just Like Heaven. Feels like Para-para-paradise. Woooooaaaah ohhhhhhh.
I am a Rhymocerous
English is my thing
I can't use the abacus
But give me words and I am king!
Okay I actually want to continue but I ran out of ideas hehe. I saw this 'rhymocerous' or sth in my old BMT sergeant's fb status and I had a little laugh so I thought I'd try to construct a rhyme. None too successful though. In my defence, I did have a massive dinner cause shivering consumes a surprising amount of energy and I am definitely feeling the effects :( Brainpower approximately that of a horseshoe now.
I unfortunately have some work to do but my inner lazy self (so big it barely fits the term inner-self) is coaxing me to leave it for tmr. I am slightly afraid I'll fall sick after the tribulations of today, so maybe I should hit the sack early eh? Hehe lazychuan claims yet another glorious lazy victory. Although I do sort of feel like I have to puke, while not actually nauseous. Does that even make sense in any way? I just think I'd feel better if I had a little puke, which sounds, creepily enough, like the onset of bulimia instead of flu hahaha. Pretty nasty sensations in my stomach now though. I knew my cooking was going to cause me no small amount suffering sigh.
Okay time2lick my wounds and sulk a little bit. Laters.
Thursday, 17 November 2011
Tuesday, 15 November 2011
Whistle For The Choir.
Hullo my new favourite song in a long long list of favourite songs hehe. Whistle For The Choir by The Fratellis. I heard a lady busker singing Portishead just now (Glorybox, "Give me a reason to love you") so I had no choice but to give her all the money I had, 1 quid. Was supposed to be for the laundry, that coin.
I also got ripped off for dinner. Nasal money for sandwiches and a beer. That teaches me a thing or two about being too lazy to cook, more fool me. And I went on amazon and ordered the 4th book in the Inheritance "trilogy", more famously known as the Eragon books. 9 quid for a hardcover book, not too bad I guess. I would have caught a movie if there were anything worth watching, but there wasn't, with the exception of perhaps tintin. Don't really think I want to spend $ (or £) watching it though. Tower Heist isn't on till tuesday sigh.
I watched a few movies yesterday. There was Sideways, which taught me alot more about wines than I think I ever need to know, but was nonetheless very good. Don't think I've ever seen anything by Paul Giamatti prior to this. I watched Clerks. which I unfortunately have to conclude is probably a tad overrated. I kept coming across it in must-watch comedy lists or somesuch. Which brings me to the third movie, In The Loop, which was an absolute cracker. I burst out laughing at the "Ron Weasley" part. That's what I call vulgar pleasures. Makes me feel like watching it again really.
Next two movies on the list are Breakfast at Tiffany's and Into The Wild, which I never knew was Sean Penn directed. Always reminds me of Mystic River that. Then A History of Violence (starring Aragorn son of Arathorn son of Isildur son of Elendil. Don't mess with a LOTR buff.) And maybe Topsy Turvy as well. I'm heartened to see Superbad on the list though, it's so life-changing that everytime I'm a little sad I just have to think of McLovin'..
So if you're lonely why'd you say you're not lonely?
I also got ripped off for dinner. Nasal money for sandwiches and a beer. That teaches me a thing or two about being too lazy to cook, more fool me. And I went on amazon and ordered the 4th book in the Inheritance "trilogy", more famously known as the Eragon books. 9 quid for a hardcover book, not too bad I guess. I would have caught a movie if there were anything worth watching, but there wasn't, with the exception of perhaps tintin. Don't really think I want to spend $ (or £) watching it though. Tower Heist isn't on till tuesday sigh.
I watched a few movies yesterday. There was Sideways, which taught me alot more about wines than I think I ever need to know, but was nonetheless very good. Don't think I've ever seen anything by Paul Giamatti prior to this. I watched Clerks. which I unfortunately have to conclude is probably a tad overrated. I kept coming across it in must-watch comedy lists or somesuch. Which brings me to the third movie, In The Loop, which was an absolute cracker. I burst out laughing at the "Ron Weasley" part. That's what I call vulgar pleasures. Makes me feel like watching it again really.
Next two movies on the list are Breakfast at Tiffany's and Into The Wild, which I never knew was Sean Penn directed. Always reminds me of Mystic River that. Then A History of Violence (starring Aragorn son of Arathorn son of Isildur son of Elendil. Don't mess with a LOTR buff.) And maybe Topsy Turvy as well. I'm heartened to see Superbad on the list though, it's so life-changing that everytime I'm a little sad I just have to think of McLovin'..
So if you're lonely why'd you say you're not lonely?
Sunday, 13 November 2011
The Base Of A Dream Is Empty.
I can't seem to want to go to sleep. Sleep is my jilted ex-lover. I was head-over-heels though, given that I woke up only at like 2pm today hehe. What a bum.
I haven't done anything today but indulge in movies. I'm making my way up empireonline's top 500 films, and I've watched Brick (Joseph Gordon Levitt in high school noir, what more could you ask for) and Superman Returns thus far. The appearance of Breakfast at Tiffany's on the list (not surprising) is perhaps the final push I need to finally watch it.
I also watched Christopher Nolan's Following. You can really see how he's developed his style from that to Memento. Pretty good and truly noir. Black and white films are none too common nowsadays eh? I think I really should watch Batman Begins soon, an obviously missing link in my Christopher Nolan quest.
Had movie night with my flatmates just now, an old movie called The Mission from 1986. Robert De Niro and Jeremy Iron and a quite young Liam Neeson too. Quite an epic, makes you wonder how people can commit atrocities like that, just like that. Although a quick peek at the history books would tell you that yes, they most definitely can.
Okay I'm gonna try and lure sleep back into bed (saucy!) so byebye *sexywink*
Okay I admit I failed. Clearly nowhere near sexy enough, despite the hotbodz :( I'll ramble on for a little while before resuming my movie madness.
I was talking to my flatmate just now and somehow we ended up talking about life experiences and stuff. It seems like most everyone says living and experiencing life is more important than possesions and wealth, but why is it that that's not what seems to be happening with the people around us? On the paper chase and the money trail, yuck. I hope I don't end up that way.
That's how I'm justifying hoing to watch The Naked and Famous at Portsmouth 2 weeks from now!! Hehehe. Took me all of 5mins to decide to do it and book the ticket, the trains to and fro, and the hostel since I'm gonna have to stay overnight. Y no midnight train :( I agonized over the decision for days, but once I'd decided I was gonna go it was a matter of minutes to finalize everything.
That's how it always works out with decisions. The truth is, it takes very little for us to make changes to our lives. It's really a very fine line between yes and no. Yes, I will go to that concert. No, I will not give you a chance. Our whole lives hinge on that fine line. It's scary.
So I've decided I shouldn't be so hung up over money matters. Although of course I'm a student, and monetary woes are a mainstay of student life. But I'm thinking... Phantom of the Opera in London?! Fancy that! Whoa. Keep the jealousy down plz. It's only a maybe.. but with every passing moment I'm considering the notion much more seriously. Hehe.
Unfortunately I haven't received an invite from either of my Finnish flatmates to visit during Christmas :( Haha the devious plan to exploit them to see the northern lights clearly hasn't come to fruition sigh. No choice but to spring an unwanted visit on their unsuspecting selves next year lah. "In the name of friendship, take me to the lights!" They won't stand a chance against my (future) pestering.
Although the tentative plan is Germany and at least Florence next Christmas if Basil will be there. And the US for Christmas 2013, also if Basil is there. It's quite gay that I'm basing my holiday plans on him isn't it. But that's just the excuse I need to visit Canada, and I'm pretty certain they get the northern lights as well.. Although I have this weird impression that they're a strictly Scandinavian thing. But surely the Russkies get it too (it'd be terribly depressing otherwise, all that cold and none of the sights!), so I must be wrong about the Scandinavian thing.
I really don't know why I'm not going to sleep. It's 6am now. Bummer. I'm going to reset my body clock by going without sleep I guess. It always fails when I sneakily decide to take a nap at like 5pm and wake up at 11. Then it becomes even more messed up, but if you repeat that a few more times... it stands to reason that one of those times will result in a righted biological clock! Or it might become permanently messive (massively messy that is) and I'll spend alternate days nocturnal and whatever-the-damn-the-opposite-of-nocturnal-is (I won't even pretend to know it haha.)
I'm halfway through writing a story now. But as is always the case when I reach the middle I am hopelessly lost. I usually start with a brilliant end in mind, and I try to make the beginning of each story as brilliant as possible. It's always the middle that stymies me. Like major stumbling block. I never know how to properly get my story to its brilliant end, and in the end I usually just putter about aimlessly, sometimes trying too hard, sometimes not doing anything at all. In the famous words of Me some time back, I am "bumbling about in the forest." Hopelessly lost.
That's what happened with pretty much all of my secondary school essays I think. I start of with this amazing idea, I wrack my brain for the perfect ending with a twist, and then proceed to fill up the middle with barely bearable rubbish. I miss secondary school essays though. Those one worders like - Flight, or Heat, or something. They were such fun to do. Then we graduated on to GP. 'Nuff said. Miserable stuff. GP was a trainwreck on the highway to hell.
Oh I didn't mention that my Finnish flatmates made a Finnish dinner which I couldn't help but finish (you know you saw this pun coming.) It was salmon cooked in the oven with like idk, a slice of heaven or sth. It was so flavourful and juicy and tender and just.. just.. magnifique! I wonder if I could whip up some char kway teow or sth for them haha. Or maybe it'd be a disaster (like my last fried rice) and put them off Singapore foreva. What a dilemma!
Okay I'm pretty sure this post-script is longer than the actual post was (oh that makes it post-post-script!:) so I shall end here. No fancy good-bye this time like ciao or ta-ta or adios or hasta la vista or something. This is it.
I haven't done anything today but indulge in movies. I'm making my way up empireonline's top 500 films, and I've watched Brick (Joseph Gordon Levitt in high school noir, what more could you ask for) and Superman Returns thus far. The appearance of Breakfast at Tiffany's on the list (not surprising) is perhaps the final push I need to finally watch it.
I also watched Christopher Nolan's Following. You can really see how he's developed his style from that to Memento. Pretty good and truly noir. Black and white films are none too common nowsadays eh? I think I really should watch Batman Begins soon, an obviously missing link in my Christopher Nolan quest.
Had movie night with my flatmates just now, an old movie called The Mission from 1986. Robert De Niro and Jeremy Iron and a quite young Liam Neeson too. Quite an epic, makes you wonder how people can commit atrocities like that, just like that. Although a quick peek at the history books would tell you that yes, they most definitely can.
Okay I'm gonna try and lure sleep back into bed (saucy!) so byebye *sexywink*
Okay I admit I failed. Clearly nowhere near sexy enough, despite the hotbodz :( I'll ramble on for a little while before resuming my movie madness.
I was talking to my flatmate just now and somehow we ended up talking about life experiences and stuff. It seems like most everyone says living and experiencing life is more important than possesions and wealth, but why is it that that's not what seems to be happening with the people around us? On the paper chase and the money trail, yuck. I hope I don't end up that way.
That's how I'm justifying hoing to watch The Naked and Famous at Portsmouth 2 weeks from now!! Hehehe. Took me all of 5mins to decide to do it and book the ticket, the trains to and fro, and the hostel since I'm gonna have to stay overnight. Y no midnight train :( I agonized over the decision for days, but once I'd decided I was gonna go it was a matter of minutes to finalize everything.
That's how it always works out with decisions. The truth is, it takes very little for us to make changes to our lives. It's really a very fine line between yes and no. Yes, I will go to that concert. No, I will not give you a chance. Our whole lives hinge on that fine line. It's scary.
So I've decided I shouldn't be so hung up over money matters. Although of course I'm a student, and monetary woes are a mainstay of student life. But I'm thinking... Phantom of the Opera in London?! Fancy that! Whoa. Keep the jealousy down plz. It's only a maybe.. but with every passing moment I'm considering the notion much more seriously. Hehe.
Unfortunately I haven't received an invite from either of my Finnish flatmates to visit during Christmas :( Haha the devious plan to exploit them to see the northern lights clearly hasn't come to fruition sigh. No choice but to spring an unwanted visit on their unsuspecting selves next year lah. "In the name of friendship, take me to the lights!" They won't stand a chance against my (future) pestering.
Although the tentative plan is Germany and at least Florence next Christmas if Basil will be there. And the US for Christmas 2013, also if Basil is there. It's quite gay that I'm basing my holiday plans on him isn't it. But that's just the excuse I need to visit Canada, and I'm pretty certain they get the northern lights as well.. Although I have this weird impression that they're a strictly Scandinavian thing. But surely the Russkies get it too (it'd be terribly depressing otherwise, all that cold and none of the sights!), so I must be wrong about the Scandinavian thing.
I really don't know why I'm not going to sleep. It's 6am now. Bummer. I'm going to reset my body clock by going without sleep I guess. It always fails when I sneakily decide to take a nap at like 5pm and wake up at 11. Then it becomes even more messed up, but if you repeat that a few more times... it stands to reason that one of those times will result in a righted biological clock! Or it might become permanently messive (massively messy that is) and I'll spend alternate days nocturnal and whatever-the-damn-the-opposite-of-nocturnal-is (I won't even pretend to know it haha.)
I'm halfway through writing a story now. But as is always the case when I reach the middle I am hopelessly lost. I usually start with a brilliant end in mind, and I try to make the beginning of each story as brilliant as possible. It's always the middle that stymies me. Like major stumbling block. I never know how to properly get my story to its brilliant end, and in the end I usually just putter about aimlessly, sometimes trying too hard, sometimes not doing anything at all. In the famous words of Me some time back, I am "bumbling about in the forest." Hopelessly lost.
That's what happened with pretty much all of my secondary school essays I think. I start of with this amazing idea, I wrack my brain for the perfect ending with a twist, and then proceed to fill up the middle with barely bearable rubbish. I miss secondary school essays though. Those one worders like - Flight, or Heat, or something. They were such fun to do. Then we graduated on to GP. 'Nuff said. Miserable stuff. GP was a trainwreck on the highway to hell.
Oh I didn't mention that my Finnish flatmates made a Finnish dinner which I couldn't help but finish (you know you saw this pun coming.) It was salmon cooked in the oven with like idk, a slice of heaven or sth. It was so flavourful and juicy and tender and just.. just.. magnifique! I wonder if I could whip up some char kway teow or sth for them haha. Or maybe it'd be a disaster (like my last fried rice) and put them off Singapore foreva. What a dilemma!
Okay I'm pretty sure this post-script is longer than the actual post was (oh that makes it post-post-script!:) so I shall end here. No fancy good-bye this time like ciao or ta-ta or adios or hasta la vista or something. This is it.
Thursday, 10 November 2011
Like A Vulture In A Wasteland.
It takes a special genius to set an alarm on the laptop and leave the earpiece plugged in. The bloody alarm was beeping through the earpiece so frantically for more than an hour before I finally noticed it, so tiny was the sound. Woke up at 12:10 and by 12:30 I had left the house, after eating breakfast, taking a quick hot shower, and packing my stuff for the match. Pretty rapid eh?
An hour's drive down all the way down to Plymouth and I only played less than 10mins, spending the rest of the time freezing my ass off in my short shorts and short-sleeved shirt as the friggin' wind just buffeted the pitch. I need track pants and a sports jumper. And I think my legs are like icicles sticking out of my hips, so slow do I run. My one touch of the ball I got tackled by this big tall guy whom I had been certain I would outrun. Bummer. Too lazy to work on my sprints though. But I was shaking like a shaker fry out there, in the aftermath of rain. Proper november days we're getting now, all cold and chilly, but not unpleasant as of yet.
Celebrated my housemates birthday today at the Bella Italia. Sounds posh no? I was craving for some steak (after it appeared in the most awesome book I read yesterday) cause I realized I hadn't eaten a proper slab of beef since setting foot upon these shores. Good choice, whatwith the 50% off voucher to boot. And I had a dessert called The Godfather. Dramatic much! It was indeed quite epic though, Don Corleone would have approved.
Such sin does not however, go unpunished. I came home and laosai'd. I forgot to mention I had a slice of the birthday cake as well. Gluttony will be the death of me. Or maybe sloth? Perhaps wrath. zomg. De7an pls. (Srsly though that looks cool doesn't it! Hahahaha.) If you don't get me though, do watch Se7en, only one of the bestest movies EVER. Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman, Kevin Spacey, and even Gwyneth Paltrow! (never thought much of her really, just another famous name, but after Shakespeare In Love I think she's not too bad)
The awesome book I read is titled The Sisters Brothers. It's a western, set in the Gold Rush of the 1800s. I embarked upon it late last night as I wanted to sleep, and what better way than to stare at little words assembled on little pages while in the amazing comfort of your bed right? Wrong. I couldn't put the book down and midway through it I marvelled to myself: Wow, this book is brilliant innit? Then continued reading. All done in one sitting. Strangely funny, for I hadn't expected something quite so humorous from something on the shortlist for the Man Booker prize (usually expect serious stuff that's heavy going and deep and profound on so many levels, no?)
Now I have no more books left though. Time for a visit to the bookshop soon, but I suspect I should make myself work for it. I'll try to put in a few more hours of study first sigh.
Time2Slip. I should start planning my christmas break out too huh. Good night whirl. (world)
P.s. I just have to add on cause I chanced upon the article which said that Singaporean women wouldn't date shorter men. That's outrageous and upsetting :( Not say we don't want to be tall.. Anyway if anything they should be amazed at how we manage to fit so much goodness into such small frames HAHA. And I mean, why would anyone want to resemble a BRONTOSAURUS?!?! (Click here for image) Yes, I'm talking about you woonshin. Albeit a Very Dashing one indeed. (I did warn you about impending war.) Ta then.
An hour's drive down all the way down to Plymouth and I only played less than 10mins, spending the rest of the time freezing my ass off in my short shorts and short-sleeved shirt as the friggin' wind just buffeted the pitch. I need track pants and a sports jumper. And I think my legs are like icicles sticking out of my hips, so slow do I run. My one touch of the ball I got tackled by this big tall guy whom I had been certain I would outrun. Bummer. Too lazy to work on my sprints though. But I was shaking like a shaker fry out there, in the aftermath of rain. Proper november days we're getting now, all cold and chilly, but not unpleasant as of yet.
Celebrated my housemates birthday today at the Bella Italia. Sounds posh no? I was craving for some steak (after it appeared in the most awesome book I read yesterday) cause I realized I hadn't eaten a proper slab of beef since setting foot upon these shores. Good choice, whatwith the 50% off voucher to boot. And I had a dessert called The Godfather. Dramatic much! It was indeed quite epic though, Don Corleone would have approved.
Such sin does not however, go unpunished. I came home and laosai'd. I forgot to mention I had a slice of the birthday cake as well. Gluttony will be the death of me. Or maybe sloth? Perhaps wrath. zomg. De7an pls. (Srsly though that looks cool doesn't it! Hahahaha.) If you don't get me though, do watch Se7en, only one of the bestest movies EVER. Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman, Kevin Spacey, and even Gwyneth Paltrow! (never thought much of her really, just another famous name, but after Shakespeare In Love I think she's not too bad)
The awesome book I read is titled The Sisters Brothers. It's a western, set in the Gold Rush of the 1800s. I embarked upon it late last night as I wanted to sleep, and what better way than to stare at little words assembled on little pages while in the amazing comfort of your bed right? Wrong. I couldn't put the book down and midway through it I marvelled to myself: Wow, this book is brilliant innit? Then continued reading. All done in one sitting. Strangely funny, for I hadn't expected something quite so humorous from something on the shortlist for the Man Booker prize (usually expect serious stuff that's heavy going and deep and profound on so many levels, no?)
Now I have no more books left though. Time for a visit to the bookshop soon, but I suspect I should make myself work for it. I'll try to put in a few more hours of study first sigh.
Time2Slip. I should start planning my christmas break out too huh. Good night whirl. (world)
P.s. I just have to add on cause I chanced upon the article which said that Singaporean women wouldn't date shorter men. That's outrageous and upsetting :( Not say we don't want to be tall.. Anyway if anything they should be amazed at how we manage to fit so much goodness into such small frames HAHA. And I mean, why would anyone want to resemble a BRONTOSAURUS?!?! (Click here for image) Yes, I'm talking about you woonshin. Albeit a Very Dashing one indeed. (I did warn you about impending war.) Ta then.
Saturday, 5 November 2011
A Man With Such A Wistful Eye.
Yet each man kills the thing he loves,
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!
Some kill their love when they are young,
And some when they are old;
Some strangle with the hands of Lust,
Some with the hands of Gold:
The kindest use a knife, because
The dead so soon grow cold.
Some love too little, some too long,
Some sell, and others buy;
Some do the deed with many tears,
And some without a sigh:
For each man kills the thing he loves,
Yet each man does not die.
-From the prison writings of Oscar Wilde
I never knew how The Portrait of Dorian Gray was such a portrait for Oscar Wilde's life. Or at least that's what I'm thinking after reading about his life and how he was charged for homosexuality or somesuch. He possesses such amazing wit and ability to write. I just saw one of his quotes the other day, in some shopfront "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about." Or something like that. Some people say wit is the highest form of intelligence, some the lowest. I like to think it's pretty high up there, haha.
I've been watching House again, and I'm almost finished with season 6 now. And somehow 13 seems to be prettier than I remember her! Olivia Wilde, of course, which in all honesty had nothing at all to do with Oscar Wilde up there. I only just realized the coincidence haha.
The ba kwa that I brought from singapore is keeping me alive atm. And the packets of peanuts. Verrah good when you're hooked onto a tv series and refuse to leave your room for proper food. I should stick my hand out of my window every once in a while for my vitamin D dosage perhaps, or I might get very unhealthy. Of course with a diet consisting of ba kwa and peanuts you could argue that I'm already in the pits of unhealthiness.
I did go running today though, so that erases about... 2% of the damage done in my one week of unhealthily fatal diet. Hopefully head down for some training tmr, and death will be staved off once more.
What would you sacrifice for one moment of pure happiness? Unadulterated bliss. A whole life of hit-and-miss happiness? Probably not. A year of suffering? Shame, guilt or whatevernot. Because there's always a pay-off isn't there? Nah. Don't believe that. Things like happiness should never happen on a transactional basis, there should never be a pay-off for it.
I don't know what I'm driving at. Sometimes I just want to say sorry. I don't even know what for sometimes. In the hope that it will magic things back into the land of "okay" again, perhaps. Too many mistakes over too many years to undo them all, too many even to rue them all.
Sometimes I wish I could say farewell properly. The way it deserves to be said. Maybe closure is overrated but it still sucks that I've never been able to give proper goodbyes. Instead of neat and tidy endings all you get is sad sacks of regret and sadder bits of hope. And on nights like this, these bits still glimmer faintly, like half-buried gold from the lost city of Machu Picchu.
Well lost is lost and buried is buried. Shouldn't kid myself about "half"-buried nonsense. I looked at the above paragraphs and it kind of sounds like I'm suicidal. More specifically, jumping-off-a-really-high-building kind of suicidal. You know, one moment of pure happiness etc. Too many mistakes etc. Thankfully I'm not, actually, suicidal. Or I'd be really worried about my mental well-being. Phew that.
Although the fact that I even made that connection in the first place.. might be construed as a hint on my subconscious' part to make me realize that I am, actually, suicidal. Fascinating eh? Sigmund Chuan srsly. But I'm not Austrian so I'm probably wrong. So I'm probably not suicidal. Okay! I'll stop trying to be funny here.
To reassure-plus-chop you, I did have massive ego-boozt today so depression and suicide is highly unlikely. Hahahaha. Someone (or two) said that I (and this is verbatim, I don't go for self-feel-good hahaha) "had a hot body" and that she (or they, I'm quite unclear on this) would totally date me if I only were a little taller. Hahahahaha! So I did get knocked down a few pegs there, but on the whole, hahahaha! Makez one'z dayz totallyz! That's one in the solar plexus for any might-be-depression surely!
Okay I can't help myself must share this from youtube! The Cinematic Orchestra - To Build A Home with the sound of rain!!! Tell me that isn't the most fitting accompanying background sound ever. That's why I find it's always worth scrolling through some of the comments even though there are so many imbeciles/trolls/immature idiots/mature idiots out there demeaning most forums and comment boards all over the internet.
Whichhhhhh reminds me of that poor girl who slapped/beat her poor mother or sth. Not that she's a poor girl for having done that, although maybe you could argue that there's a case for that as well, in the convoluted mess that is parental relations. Anyhow. I clicked on a link to some hardwarezone forum which I think was the root source of all the trash that's been generated over the past week or so. (I don't actually know how current this is haha.) And have you seen the responses to the original post?! "Sexpose her!" etc. My word. We have got mega retards rampant on the forum. If you have any doubt about that, check out stomp. If I'm not wrong the nest of amazingly idiotic idiots should still be there stomping around.
Not that the girl didn't do anything wrong. Clearly she has issues. But I think it sheds more light on the rest of the people out there who have only been, childishly, fanning the flames. I think the mom suffers the most from this debacle. The ignominy of having been hit by a daughter now recognized by half the people on the street. It's just ridiculous.
And it's cause of the mob effect isn't it? Or the anonymity one. Either ways it's the internet that sparked all this nonsense, so it really makes me wonder that for all the good it's done so far, maybe it's not something that should have happened. Sorry Mark Zuckerberg and your fortune.
Okay it's alot later than I expected so. I shall take a break from my epic evasion of Sleep's Minions, and curl up in a nook and cranny (aka my bed) for a brief respite, where hopefully the Minions can't find me. Okay I shall stop trying to be funny. Isn't worki- zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!
Some kill their love when they are young,
And some when they are old;
Some strangle with the hands of Lust,
Some with the hands of Gold:
The kindest use a knife, because
The dead so soon grow cold.
Some love too little, some too long,
Some sell, and others buy;
Some do the deed with many tears,
And some without a sigh:
For each man kills the thing he loves,
Yet each man does not die.
-From the prison writings of Oscar Wilde
I never knew how The Portrait of Dorian Gray was such a portrait for Oscar Wilde's life. Or at least that's what I'm thinking after reading about his life and how he was charged for homosexuality or somesuch. He possesses such amazing wit and ability to write. I just saw one of his quotes the other day, in some shopfront "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about." Or something like that. Some people say wit is the highest form of intelligence, some the lowest. I like to think it's pretty high up there, haha.
I've been watching House again, and I'm almost finished with season 6 now. And somehow 13 seems to be prettier than I remember her! Olivia Wilde, of course, which in all honesty had nothing at all to do with Oscar Wilde up there. I only just realized the coincidence haha.
The ba kwa that I brought from singapore is keeping me alive atm. And the packets of peanuts. Verrah good when you're hooked onto a tv series and refuse to leave your room for proper food. I should stick my hand out of my window every once in a while for my vitamin D dosage perhaps, or I might get very unhealthy. Of course with a diet consisting of ba kwa and peanuts you could argue that I'm already in the pits of unhealthiness.
I did go running today though, so that erases about... 2% of the damage done in my one week of unhealthily fatal diet. Hopefully head down for some training tmr, and death will be staved off once more.
What would you sacrifice for one moment of pure happiness? Unadulterated bliss. A whole life of hit-and-miss happiness? Probably not. A year of suffering? Shame, guilt or whatevernot. Because there's always a pay-off isn't there? Nah. Don't believe that. Things like happiness should never happen on a transactional basis, there should never be a pay-off for it.
I don't know what I'm driving at. Sometimes I just want to say sorry. I don't even know what for sometimes. In the hope that it will magic things back into the land of "okay" again, perhaps. Too many mistakes over too many years to undo them all, too many even to rue them all.
Sometimes I wish I could say farewell properly. The way it deserves to be said. Maybe closure is overrated but it still sucks that I've never been able to give proper goodbyes. Instead of neat and tidy endings all you get is sad sacks of regret and sadder bits of hope. And on nights like this, these bits still glimmer faintly, like half-buried gold from the lost city of Machu Picchu.
Well lost is lost and buried is buried. Shouldn't kid myself about "half"-buried nonsense. I looked at the above paragraphs and it kind of sounds like I'm suicidal. More specifically, jumping-off-a-really-high-building kind of suicidal. You know, one moment of pure happiness etc. Too many mistakes etc. Thankfully I'm not, actually, suicidal. Or I'd be really worried about my mental well-being. Phew that.
Although the fact that I even made that connection in the first place.. might be construed as a hint on my subconscious' part to make me realize that I am, actually, suicidal. Fascinating eh? Sigmund Chuan srsly. But I'm not Austrian so I'm probably wrong. So I'm probably not suicidal. Okay! I'll stop trying to be funny here.
To reassure-plus-chop you, I did have massive ego-boozt today so depression and suicide is highly unlikely. Hahahaha. Someone (or two) said that I (and this is verbatim, I don't go for self-feel-good hahaha) "had a hot body" and that she (or they, I'm quite unclear on this) would totally date me if I only were a little taller. Hahahahaha! So I did get knocked down a few pegs there, but on the whole, hahahaha! Makez one'z dayz totallyz! That's one in the solar plexus for any might-be-depression surely!
Okay I can't help myself must share this from youtube! The Cinematic Orchestra - To Build A Home with the sound of rain!!! Tell me that isn't the most fitting accompanying background sound ever. That's why I find it's always worth scrolling through some of the comments even though there are so many imbeciles/trolls/immature idiots/mature idiots out there demeaning most forums and comment boards all over the internet.
Whichhhhhh reminds me of that poor girl who slapped/beat her poor mother or sth. Not that she's a poor girl for having done that, although maybe you could argue that there's a case for that as well, in the convoluted mess that is parental relations. Anyhow. I clicked on a link to some hardwarezone forum which I think was the root source of all the trash that's been generated over the past week or so. (I don't actually know how current this is haha.) And have you seen the responses to the original post?! "Sexpose her!" etc. My word. We have got mega retards rampant on the forum. If you have any doubt about that, check out stomp. If I'm not wrong the nest of amazingly idiotic idiots should still be there stomping around.
Not that the girl didn't do anything wrong. Clearly she has issues. But I think it sheds more light on the rest of the people out there who have only been, childishly, fanning the flames. I think the mom suffers the most from this debacle. The ignominy of having been hit by a daughter now recognized by half the people on the street. It's just ridiculous.
And it's cause of the mob effect isn't it? Or the anonymity one. Either ways it's the internet that sparked all this nonsense, so it really makes me wonder that for all the good it's done so far, maybe it's not something that should have happened. Sorry Mark Zuckerberg and your fortune.
Okay it's alot later than I expected so. I shall take a break from my epic evasion of Sleep's Minions, and curl up in a nook and cranny (aka my bed) for a brief respite, where hopefully the Minions can't find me. Okay I shall stop trying to be funny. Isn't worki- zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Friday, 4 November 2011
Except For Matters That Do;
Funny how it is that we can talk about all sorts of matters, except for those that actually do matter. Funny how we can say anything except for that which we truly want to say. It's the most important things which we are the most afraid of, and so our lips are forever sealed.
Tuesday, 1 November 2011
The Break Down Of Fortified Hearts.
You of heart fortified
I have
Hammer and ladder
And battering ram
I have
Determination and desperation
And stamina proportionate
You have
No chance!
I am super bored. This is the product of a super bored mind. Maybe bored isn't as accurate a descript as deadened. Numbed. Desensitized. Why? Cause I'm midway through my essay. I'm supposed to be doing my essay. I am 11 hours and 400 words away from submission. What I lack is not the word count but something of far greater import: Understanding. Lifesuxttmplzhelp!
I have hit a mind-block of such mass that when I tried to drive around it I ran out of gas (it's comforting to know that yo-mama-so-fat jokes are actually useable in other contexts.) But I shall strive onwards and upwards, only because I have no choice sigh. Working on an essay at 5.15am is not something I am keen ever to experience again. 4pm (or 1600GMT) beckons, however. Werk werk!
Okay hello all I'd finished my essay at about 9 something, and was so delighted I decided to indulge in some dota! It wasn't a matter of choice. I had to do it lest I fell asleep, and miss my workshop, and my deadline for submission, which would render all the hardwork of last night utterly futile. I've never disapproved of an essay that I've written so much before srsly. I was clutching at straws and maybe the right expression is "luan bomb" or "anyhow whack" or something.
I'm quite sure my essay was not at all cogent, let alone persuasive, and maybe even incomprehensible. The weakest strands of argument ever. Intellectual fail. And now I'm tired out of my mind and I just want to sleep but I can't. De Yan and the Arghonots. I don't even know how or why I remember something as randomly insignificant as Jason and the Argonauts argh. He's not even that famous a greek hero, I mean, pitted against Hercules or Achilles or even Perseus or Theseus. You notice I'm rambling. Tired sia.
I did have great fun over the weekend by the way. It was really nice to see yijie after so many years, perhaps I'd already begun to believe that I'd never meet any of them again. I can't convey how impressed I am with her. It must have taken great courage for her to make that decision to study abroad, and in bloody Scotland to boot! That she did, and with panache.
She just seems so mature and sensible now that it leaves me speechless. And the fact that she goes travelling by herself and all, it's just amazing. She said that the reason she decided to study overseas was because of us. It's good to know that we managed to make an impact on their lives, it truly is.
Well York was quite brilliant too! It's quite a pretty place, and I really liked the little oases of peace that were scattered around the city. It was surprisingly busy though, I'd expected a quiet little place but it was pretty crowded. Walking around for hours with a laptop and a textbook in my bag didn't do wonders for my energy though, I almost crumbled at the end of the day.
Which was when I headed off to Newcastle, home of the Toon Army. A thousand thanks and more to bel for hosting and entertaining me! Despite the fact that the Newcastle city didn't really appeal to me, I thoroughly enjoyed the 2 days there. Tynemouth was pretty nice but I guess I was blessed with a massive dollop of inexplicable good weather, making fish and chips by the seaside and sitting on the grass possible. Quite the miracle actually, given amount of rainfall this past week.
Then I had to round off my whole trip with a stupid stupid spoiler. Incredibly stupid. I can't imagine what I must have been thinking setting off for the station so late, which made me miss the train. You have no idea how pissed off I was with myself. The amount of idiocy involved, my word. Haiya. 100 pounds blown over such a silly matter. Some form of punishment is required. Rice + Soya sauce everynight for 3 years, no choice. Serving the dual purpose of both cost-cutting and punishment. I was almost gonna deny myself TNAF at Bristol but since Bristol is only an hour away.. And one week holiday for Christmas instead of 2.
It's a recurring problem though. I think at its root is overconfidence, perhaps cockiness. Confident that I can make the train on time (a hundred pound mistake). Confident that I can book in on time (24 confinements or 3 months with zero life the price to pay). Confidence in getting 6 points for O's. In getting straight As for A's. In getting SAS(O) instead of SAS(L). I've made a complete mess of things everytime I'm given the chance to. The fact that I'm where I am now is only testament to how amazingly blessed I've been despite all I've done to make a disaster of my life. I deserve so much worse. And there's only one explanation: grace.
Okay my body is revolting now. I know you're thinking ewwwwww disgusting!! now but I meant that it is up in arms against me, not that I have a particularly gross specimen of a body. Therefore I shall attempt to grab a few hours of sleep to appease it before it does something truly spectacular like, idk, die or something. Smell ya later! (If you don't recognize it it's a tribute to Pokemon - Gotta Catch 'Em All! cause that's my favourite line off Gary aka Blue.)
I have
Hammer and ladder
And battering ram
I have
Determination and desperation
And stamina proportionate
You have
No chance!
I am super bored. This is the product of a super bored mind. Maybe bored isn't as accurate a descript as deadened. Numbed. Desensitized. Why? Cause I'm midway through my essay. I'm supposed to be doing my essay. I am 11 hours and 400 words away from submission. What I lack is not the word count but something of far greater import: Understanding. Lifesuxttmplzhelp!
I have hit a mind-block of such mass that when I tried to drive around it I ran out of gas (it's comforting to know that yo-mama-so-fat jokes are actually useable in other contexts.) But I shall strive onwards and upwards, only because I have no choice sigh. Working on an essay at 5.15am is not something I am keen ever to experience again. 4pm (or 1600GMT) beckons, however. Werk werk!
Okay hello all I'd finished my essay at about 9 something, and was so delighted I decided to indulge in some dota! It wasn't a matter of choice. I had to do it lest I fell asleep, and miss my workshop, and my deadline for submission, which would render all the hardwork of last night utterly futile. I've never disapproved of an essay that I've written so much before srsly. I was clutching at straws and maybe the right expression is "luan bomb" or "anyhow whack" or something.
I'm quite sure my essay was not at all cogent, let alone persuasive, and maybe even incomprehensible. The weakest strands of argument ever. Intellectual fail. And now I'm tired out of my mind and I just want to sleep but I can't. De Yan and the Arghonots. I don't even know how or why I remember something as randomly insignificant as Jason and the Argonauts argh. He's not even that famous a greek hero, I mean, pitted against Hercules or Achilles or even Perseus or Theseus. You notice I'm rambling. Tired sia.
I did have great fun over the weekend by the way. It was really nice to see yijie after so many years, perhaps I'd already begun to believe that I'd never meet any of them again. I can't convey how impressed I am with her. It must have taken great courage for her to make that decision to study abroad, and in bloody Scotland to boot! That she did, and with panache.
She just seems so mature and sensible now that it leaves me speechless. And the fact that she goes travelling by herself and all, it's just amazing. She said that the reason she decided to study overseas was because of us. It's good to know that we managed to make an impact on their lives, it truly is.
Well York was quite brilliant too! It's quite a pretty place, and I really liked the little oases of peace that were scattered around the city. It was surprisingly busy though, I'd expected a quiet little place but it was pretty crowded. Walking around for hours with a laptop and a textbook in my bag didn't do wonders for my energy though, I almost crumbled at the end of the day.
Which was when I headed off to Newcastle, home of the Toon Army. A thousand thanks and more to bel for hosting and entertaining me! Despite the fact that the Newcastle city didn't really appeal to me, I thoroughly enjoyed the 2 days there. Tynemouth was pretty nice but I guess I was blessed with a massive dollop of inexplicable good weather, making fish and chips by the seaside and sitting on the grass possible. Quite the miracle actually, given amount of rainfall this past week.
Then I had to round off my whole trip with a stupid stupid spoiler. Incredibly stupid. I can't imagine what I must have been thinking setting off for the station so late, which made me miss the train. You have no idea how pissed off I was with myself. The amount of idiocy involved, my word. Haiya. 100 pounds blown over such a silly matter. Some form of punishment is required. Rice + Soya sauce everynight for 3 years, no choice. Serving the dual purpose of both cost-cutting and punishment. I was almost gonna deny myself TNAF at Bristol but since Bristol is only an hour away.. And one week holiday for Christmas instead of 2.
It's a recurring problem though. I think at its root is overconfidence, perhaps cockiness. Confident that I can make the train on time (a hundred pound mistake). Confident that I can book in on time (24 confinements or 3 months with zero life the price to pay). Confidence in getting 6 points for O's. In getting straight As for A's. In getting SAS(O) instead of SAS(L). I've made a complete mess of things everytime I'm given the chance to. The fact that I'm where I am now is only testament to how amazingly blessed I've been despite all I've done to make a disaster of my life. I deserve so much worse. And there's only one explanation: grace.
Okay my body is revolting now. I know you're thinking ewwwwww disgusting!! now but I meant that it is up in arms against me, not that I have a particularly gross specimen of a body. Therefore I shall attempt to grab a few hours of sleep to appease it before it does something truly spectacular like, idk, die or something. Smell ya later! (If you don't recognize it it's a tribute to Pokemon - Gotta Catch 'Em All! cause that's my favourite line off Gary aka Blue.)
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