We're Too Cynical To Weep.

Happy national day everybody.

Great not to have to book in today (ha ha woon shin.) An unprecedented gift of block leave for us, that's just too awesome for words.

Just finished watching 2 movies on my best friend Funshion, plus Inception last night. That makes up for the serious dearth of quality movie time no thanks to army. Caught WALL-E and Taipei Exchanges featuring the excellent Gui Lun Mei haha. Absolute crush on her she's perfect. So is Zhou Xun, just in a different way. Hahah. Anyway I was really looking forward to seeing how good WALL-E was gonna be and I was pleasantly surprised.

And Inception needless to say was epic. Christopher Nolan is like some evil genius messing with our heads. Best director ever. Freaking master of his craft. Very interesting concept and really makes your mind whir even after you leave the cinema. And DiCaprio, Ellen Page, JGL? Absolutely brilliant. I'd definitely watch it again if I have the time and am not too lazy to step out of home.

And Cobb actually gave me an answer to iDream. Whatever our subconscious conjures, it never can match up to reality. We'll never dream up anything as complex as an actual person, with all his/her perfections and imperfections. That's why dreams are never enough.

Would you, given the option, choose to live in dreams? My own answer is no. I can't say for certain why not. Maybe because dreams are merely a form of escapism and nobody wants to believe they have to resort to that. Why not? Because we were made to hope. We hope that one day things work out right. We hope that one day we'll turn our lives around. We hope and we hope. And if we choose to dream, that hope will never be realized, not in reality. Something like that, alot of random stuff trawling through my brain messing up my thought process haha.

Anyway one of my new favourite songs is My Iron Lung by Radiohead. I was listening to it over and over in camp (cause there's nothing else to do in there) and it's brilliant. My title is an adaptation of one of the lines that was stuck in my head for ages. Thom Yorke comes up with some terribly depressing lyrics. And there was one bit in Taipei Exchanges that oddly enough had this same theme.

We were innocent (you might say naive) in our youth. We'd do things out of the goodness of our little hearts and without regard for anything else. Now we're older and everything has taken on a decidedly darker tone. You'd do a good deed and people question your motives. Altruism isn't believed anymore. You'd want to do a good deed but there are other considerations in your mind, how would it be perceived, how would it reflect on you, you know what I'm saying yes? The world thinks that the spirit of charity is no longer existent and who's to say they're wrong?

Cynical and desensitized. That's what most of us have become in this day and age. But I guess you can't change the world, much as you'd like to. The only person you can change for sure with one hundred percent certainty is yourself. I read somewhere that many people are unaffected by images of war and death and suffering now, thanks to the myriad images of them flashed on their television screens. We're too cynical to weep, not over the suffering of others, not anymore.

Anyway here I am 2 dota games later, and I can't really recall what else I had in mind. Oh right one thing, rock climbing is really fun. And tough. I have new found respect for my brother srsly, he's like a legend on that wall while I'm like.... Magikarp. Flail, flail. One day I'll evolve into GYARADOS (!!) though, you just watch it. I want to do this every weekend though, hopefully my bookout timings permit this.

Oh well I guess it just won't do to overextend yourself. Sometimes... enough is enough. You do what you can, and whatever the outcome is, you can't fault yourself. Yeah.

Okay more dota and then NDP which I'm forced to watch cause I have to write reflections about it. Seriously can you believe that? Love the homework-army paradox. See ya guys around.

I'm Ready To Be Heartbroken.

Hi guys just thought it'd be cool to do an update while in camp. CAT 1 atm so not sure if there's gonna be swim cat later. Ohwell just enjoy the good times while it lasts. Finally gonna be stepping out of camp later today, hopefully at an agreeable time right after dinner or something.

Listening to Camera Obscura since my sister insists that I have to and that it's almost a crime if I don't. Actually quite good haha

OKAY. This was my post as I left it 2 days ago cause lightning struck and my desktop in camp blacked out. So I'm not as cool as I'd hoped to be cause I didn't get to do an update in camp. What a n00b.

It's been a tiring weekend and I feel fatigued even now. Really should have slept that first night at home, I'm feeling the lack acutely. And gotta book-in right about now too. GAH. Weekend wasn't very accomplishing sigh. Oh well bye bye =/

You Came Along And You Cut Me Loose.

It's far too early in the day to be in a melancholic mood. And yet here I am, sigh. For a few weeks now I've been stuck on the topic of regret. How many regrets do you have? Big ones, small ones. I have my fair share. And yet what is the point? Or maybe the more pertinent question to ask is how can anyone's regret be valid since nobody knows how things would have turned out otherwise? Since we all only live once, how can we know which of the choices we've ever made were the right ones or not? For all we know all the decisions we've made have been the wiser ones, although of course the inverse is likely to be true as well. If you choose the wrong option in an MCQ then yes, you might regret it cause you were wrong, but in life, you can never know how right or how wrong you are, it's never an absolute, an unshakeable fact.

But regret does serve a purpose. If we do not experiece it we would not learn from our (perceived) mistakes. If we were immune to it we'd go through life and make decisions with hardly a care for their consequences.

I think my point is that it's only natural to feel regret. But don't indulge in it, succumb to it, wallow in it and drown in it. I think that's it.

I think I might take a nap, before watching the world cup later. Although the outcome has never been in doubt (Spain duh), I still gotta watch it. The thought of 3 weeks of confinement coming up is just dreadful. I didn't even feel this sian about enlistment. Sigh. Too lethargic to start packing and all yet, right at this moment I am woefully unprepared for tomorrow. Ohwells.

Note: A few hours and a few dota games later, here I am and I have packed! Very efficient man, this de yan.

Okkkkkkkkk gotta rev myself up for the world cup later. On a sidenote bucky (the cat from the comic) is quite hilarious about this world cup. I shall now read my book (a very good book) while waiting with barely contained excitement. Actually no............... I'm totally dreading the morning BIG SIGH!

Goodbye for now, enjoy watching Spain win guys! See ya'll in 3 weeks!

EDIT: OH forgot to mention how despicably cute Despicable Me is, do catch it guys it's awesome! It's so fluffy!

Don't You Just Love Goodbyes.

Well hi, just thought I'd check in for a bit. Don't really have much time cause I'm supposed to go get a phone with my parents anytime now, and maybe some dim sum(!!) too. It's just great to not have to pay for your meals when you're out with your parents. Soothe my aching wallet. Unfortunately had to resort to borrowing from my mom some money to tide over this week, which hopefully will be spent happily reveling in the joys of civilian life. I have made no detailed plans on how to effect this, instead I'm content to go with the flow and do whatever I want. Which usually means I stay at home and DOTA all day, since I'm too lazy to ask people out or stuff like that.

So yeah. I guess some pretty significant stuff like POP and deciding to sign on. "Why!" you may cry. Foremost is the overseas scholarship. I've always wanted to study overseas but never to the extent where I actually went in search of scholarships I was eligible for. But now with the opportunity for a scholarship from the SAF it was pretty hard to resist. The length of bond I have to sign is pretty much equivalent to one I'd have to sign with any firm that sponsored my overseas studies, and who's to say I'd prefer the private sector to the military one? So the loss of freedom that has everyone so worried is something I was willing to accept cause it's the norm for overseas scholarships, army or otherwise.

As of now I am also financially independent of my parents. No more pocket money, no more school fees, basically I'm on my own unless I'm in dire straits. It's something that has to happen sooner or later for everyone, so why not sooner and ease the burden off my parents? It's about time they got to enjoy their own lives rather than be providing for us all the time. Now they no longer have to worry about me one bit.

There's also the fact that up till now I have no issues with army life. They feed me clothe me lodge me and now they're gonna pay me (more) too. It's almost a dream come true! Since I could never see myself in the private sector anyway, signing on isn't exactly robbing me of my freedom and restricting my options till I'm 30 or something, as I've never had that many options in the first place, or at least none I'd ever considered seriously. In fact I think it gives me some direction in life, cause once you know your path is set for the next 10 years, then you have no choice but to do your best for that next 10 years. Rather than just bumming around waiting for purpose and direction to hit me in the head and lodge themselves there.

Oh and about overseas studies, all the best to those who are off to study in australia or wherever. Of course, all the best to those studying locally too, it's no less important hah. So. To poixin, hope you're settling in well and making many friends, maybe some of them might have normal sounding names. Don't forget us or not we will OOC (Out Of Circle) you like jialong. LOL. To xintong who will be going soon, go enjoy yourself there, study hard and have fun too. We haven't talked much for months but I will be sorry to see you leave. You will be missed.

It seems I've hit a brick wall, and I'm not sure if there's anything left to do. Mayhaps I'm trying too hard, I don't know. Sometimes one just can't be contented to let things be and to see how things go. Lazy mentality, but maybe the appropriate one to take now? Sigh. What a quandary.

Okay whole family woken up by now, maybe time for one dota game before leaving! Hey ho, let's go!

To Have Someone To Go Home To.

Hullo guess who's back with a brand new rap?

It's been ages, yeah. Well life's been decent, not feeling too happy with myself lately though, the only boost being the IPPT results. It's like I could have done so much more with myself, but I haven't. It's like I'm not the person I should have turned out to be. Pity.

Not that I'm bashing myself, my ego practically prohibits that from ever happening, just a little disappointed, for some odd reason I have not unearthed, these few weeks. Oh well. Thank goodness this was a short week, cause I was feeling really down and out the whole week, and thursday couldn't have come sooner. But this is life, as usual booking out late, probably the latest ferry leaving tekong again. Sux2bme.

Some coincidences happen in such a way that the label coincidence just doesn't seem to sit nicely. Cosmic intervention? A divine hand? Sure hope so. Can I ignore it? I probably could but I sure hope I don't, this is practically guns blazing in my face. Hmm. We'll give it some more thought but I have my tentative plan of action. Hehe.

Anyway in case anyone is mistaken, I am actually quite happy with life as an NSF, it's been a pretty enjoyable ride thus far, and I presume it's going to carry on along those lines, or maybe even get better! (earlier bookouts maybe?!)

I'm going to start planning my post-ORD trip too. Hahah I know it seems far-fetched but I need to know how much money I have to save and other nitty gritty details like that. South-east Asia here I come! Well, in 2 years time or so :/

It's cool how I'm not tired after reaching home, it's already like 5 hours past bedtime back at home sweet tekong. Feels good to just relax and do nothing. Awesome. Of course, probably feels better to be out doing something non-military instead of just nothing, but I'll settle for this anyday.

Oh yeah and I'm considering buying like an MP3 or iPod or something I'm not too familiar with those kind of gadgets. My songs have ALWAYS come from my handphones. Yes, I know. Big 18year old handsum macho man like me, never owning an Mp3/iPod/Whatevermusicplayer device before?! Yeah it's true. But if I'm gonna live with this crap phone for the next 2 years, it seems like a rather good investment to make. And the earlier I make this investment the more worthwhile it gets too. Maybe some shopping over this long weekend. Yahoo. Mr Splurger.

And touch tomorrow at 10am. Hopefully army discipline kicks in and I don't end up oversleeping. Fat hope eh? But I'm not a pangseh kia, AND I NEVER WILL BE! So you can count on me being there tomorrow yahoo. Alright I think that should be all now.

We'll see about tomorrow, or the day after yeah? Here we go!

A Distant Ship Smoke On The Horizon.

Naw, don't have much to say. Just want to make the most of this internet I'm enjoying at the moment. Only 6 days more to enlistment and it does feel sort of odd, that in a week's time I'll be living a life totally different from what I'm living now. I haven't kept myself fit too, uh oh.

Well anyway, watched Youth in Revolt today and it was pretty good. Toyed with the idea of watching another movie right after that but decided to come home instead. Lack of funds definitely cramping my style. I mean dinner is free at home, that's more than enough reason to go home asap.

I owe ws 80 bucks my mom $200 and my dad $50. What a terrible state of affairs. Still got to get through another 6 days with what limited money I have access to. Doesn't life make you sad sometimes? ):

Been re-reading the Lecter books thanks to the boring job I had, and I think it's even better than the first time I read them, maybe cause I was maybe a bit young for the themes back then, sort of like reading dreamcatcher at sec 1. You're absolutely clueless. But that's the great worth of owning books, instead of merely borrowing them. You can re-read them anytime you like. Awesome or?

I have a sort of rough sketch in my mind of what to do with monthly army allowances. $150 (maybe less, probably) for family, that leaves me maybe $250. If I spend $50 a weekend reveling in my freedom, that leaves $50. Could get maybe 2 books a month, totally get me started on my book collection. Wonder if I should get any kind of membership, and if so which store? Borders, Kinokuniya, PageOne, Popular/Harris, Time? Oh well a problem for the future, assuming I do put aside 50 bucks for books a month.

Still wanna catch Shutter Island and Kick-Ass. The other films aren't mandatory, and I don't think I have too much time left either. Not watching over the weekend thanks to the exorbitant pricing, that leaves me monday and tuesday. 'Tis terrible.

Oh and a friend's recent developments have quite astounded me and I'm very happy for her too. Who knows what the future might bring, but who cares, just enjoy the moment while it lasts. And hopefully it does last. I hope my advice worked out well despite my own lack of experience in that field. Hahah.

I want to get new boots but I can't seem to find any that looks nearly awesome enough. Hey if I'm spending 80-100 bucks it better look darn good, since I'm not exactly gonna use it very often. But my current one's problem is twofold. First, it's UGLY. Next, it's LOUSY. High time for some change. Maybe 6 months later I'd have managed to finally clear my debts and be able to afford some boots.

But my paycheck hasn't arrived yet, which is distinctly upsetting. I want to be able to top up my card, for instance, without begging my parents for money. It somehow makes you feel less of a man to see the damn ATM state, Ledger Balance: $1.26. Ouch.

Well I've been sitting here on my sofa not typing for the past 15 mins. Did I ever mention how awesome my sofa is? Well if I did, here's a reminder! It is ze best. Anyway I've been sort of staring at my title, which is a line from Pink Floyd. And I guess sometimes it's better to get off and walk away. And keep walking. And when you finally turn your head, for that one last glance, that's what you see. Smoke, like an illusion, rising out of the waters far off on the horizon where the sky and sea come together perfectly.

And that's when you know. That ship didn't stop for you and it will never come back for you. There is nothing left to do but to resume your interminable walk and never look back. Random thought of the day: Everybody is walking away from something, trying to leave something behind. Dunno where that came from sounds like it could be a book or movie, and I don't know if it's true or not either, but just decided to type it out since what the heck right?

Anyway my brain seems to have dried up or something. Can't seem to conjure up words to stories, a few of which are lurking around somewhere. There's the one about the train, the one about technology, the one about a love left dry, and also one more which I just thought up but slipped my mind. Odd.

Well for someone with nothing much to say I've been going on too long. Guess that's that.

Let The Clocks Be Reset And The Pendulums Held.

Tick tick tick tick tick.

You feel time slipping away like grains of sand through the fingers you desperately try to keep tightly together. Before you can comprehend it, seasons change and an age is past. Goodbye, childhood. Fare thee well, youth.

Wouldn't it be dandy if we could erase the pages of our lives and start writing again from chapter one?

I'm not dreading enlisting into army. But it is one more step that the inexorable pull of time demands of us, and what can we do about that? What happened to "I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul"? Guess not.

Well, hadn't really the time to post anything since my malaysia trip, so it's not so fresh in my mind now. I really enjoyed it and I think the decision to go alone was the right one. I was quite the burden, wetting camera, losing clothes etc, but on the whole the trip was a great learning experience. Traveling gives you perspective you'd never otherwise have. It offers you something you'd never obtain confined within our shores.

I discovered a remarkable ability to not think. I could walk for hours on end in Penang, or KL and not think of anything substantial at all. My mind is curiously empty, and I think that's great. It's not that I think bad thoughts and awful stuff all the time, nothing of the sort, but it's good to just walk along untroubled and un-plagued by your mind. Just enjoy the sights and sounds, and the pleasure of a good long walk. I would upload photos but I don't seem to have a memory card holder/reader/whatever thing in this laptop. Bummer.

Well I had to cut short my trip as I had wet my camera, but truth be told I was probably also running out of money. Overspend much? Almost 100rm/day which is well above the 70-80 I had hoped for. Anyway.

And I know now for sure solitude is no problem for me. Sure, I knew before that I enjoyed and even needed to be alone sometimes. Now I know the extent of that enjoyment. That's not to say that being with and around friends is bad. Quite the contrary. Even in malaysia I was only too happy to establish contact with anyone I could catch online when I managed to get internet. I don't prefer being alone to being with friends, but I needed to know that I can be.

I've never been much of a friend person. Not the social sort. In the sense that, if you were to think "friend" my name probably wouldn't pop up immediately. And I'm not the kind of guy you'd meet up with to catch up and stuff. And in recent months I think I'm drifting away further than ever. In my quest for independence I might have stumbled upon isolation.

And I've also managed to alienate a friend. I'm not sure if at this point there is any friendship left at all. I'm not sorry. It seriously wouldn't matter to me much if this friendship were to cease to exist. I'm aware of my flaws and one of them is pride. I have too much pride to back down, I freely admit that. I'm aware I always think I'm right, but then again who doesn't? But if this friend thinks I would hurl insults freely just because I enjoy it and want to put her down, she's got another think coming. Why would I make baseless accusations for the heck of it? If I say it I probably mean it. And if she wouldn't rectify the problem she was causing, I'm not changing my stance either. Pride. De Yan at his vengeful prideful best.

Done with the rage.

Tioman was pretty good too, although VERY EXPENSIVE?! One night at the place (read: resort) costs almost as much as my total accommodation expenses in 9 days of traveling. Wish I had brought my camera along as the water had probably cleared from the lens by then. The trip was a little too short though, would have been great to spend one more night there. Although another 96rm would have been far too much for my wallet to handle.

But you know, crab catching, trying to wake woonshin and jialong up, snorkeling and stuff like that, that was mighty good fun. Waking up like 1209321987 times by the alarm but seeing neither of my beloved roommates stir at all, that's what I call life man.

And because I owe people money after that trip, I was so very happy to work again, although that meant I had to miss the match. But I mean, the easiest job in my life at $7/hr? Hit me baby one more time. Ticketing at Boatasia meant I could spend long periods of time reading my book or chatting with colleagues. I read probably close to 200 pages of Red Dragon sitting snugly behind my counter. And a fair bit of Silence of the Lambs. Free meals and they don't deduct your mealbreak either. It was a breeze. Of course, at a boating event for the mega-rich you meet a few people who are quite used to getting their way, but they were manageable.

And getting to go on a yacht? Priceless. Yeah I sound like a Citibank ad or something. But seriously. I stepped onto a boat worth 3.5 million US dollars, checked out its cabins, bathroom, upper deck, navigation panel, lounge, kitchen etc. And after that was a 3 storied boat with a karaoke lounge among other super-luxurious amenities. And of course hot babes showing us around the boat. I mean, WHAT MORE COULD ONE WANT FROM A JOB?! Before stepping onto one I was thinking no way I'd ever buy a boat even if I had that sort of money, but I never expected those boats/yachts to be THAT extravagant. Oh well. The insane lifestyles of the mega-rich.

I guess that pretty much brings us up to speed with the happenings in my life. Oh yeah there was also liyan's birthday which brought me to the highest I'd ever been in Orchard road, the 24th storey pool of the Hilton hotel. Mighty fine, that. Yeah that's about it.

I intend to watch a few movies currently showing. Youth in Revolt, Shutter Island, Kick-Ass maybe, Crossing Hennessey also maybe, and maybe others too. But that should just about sum it up. Byebye, paycheck.

Lazy afternoon, yeah? See ya'll.

Tick tick tick tick tick tock.