Love Will Tear Us Apart Again.

It's raining. A sneaky little drizzle that I didn't notice until I looked out the window. It promises a lazy day at home, after 2 nights staying out, rugby, barbecue and general merry-making. The match was a mixed bag, scoring a try but mis-tackling twice and letting in tries. Really annoyed. But I guess it's not about any of us anymore, but rather about letting the juniors gain experience and help them improve.

Chalet was alright, I reached a day late and in merely a while about half of them left, leaving 8 of us guys very alone and very gay. We played some fun card game Bang! which was interesting enough to keep most of us awake till about 4? No idea what time actually. Woke up at 8.30 checked out and finally reached home. No place like home indeed. Nobody around though.

I guess it's hard to manage expectation. You have to temper your expectations with a dose of reality every once in a while, or they just get out of hand, unreasonable. It's a good thing I've got my daily dosage.

Some awesome songs by Joy Division, although his voice takes a little getting used to. So depressing though. Love Will Tear Us Apart? Ah The Killers cover Shadowplay pretty nicely too. Been so long since I managed to use the laptop which has glorious sound, my comp's keyboard failed on me just like its distant cousin, the audio.

$60 DOLLARS ON BOOKS. That was like the only saving grace from a day of attempted shopping. The next book in the Wheel Of Time, GOT IT. More Neil Gaiman, GOT THEM. Simply awesome. I could live in bliss for the next few days without stepping out of my room.

Hahahaah check out Don't Shoot Me Santa by The Killers guys, the music video is so awesome, like the best christmas song ever. I wonder how they have so many good songs though, I'm on youtube and I'm listening to some good stuff that I've never seen. Wonder if I should catch their concert in january.

Some random line from A Great Big Sled stuck with me. And then I heard The Youth by MGMT. I'm saddened at the state of the world today. Kids these days, they're growing up so desensitized. And innocence seems to be so rare now. We're losing our innocence at an earlier age with every passing year. Children now, they hardly have their childhood anymore, with all that exposure to sex and violence, profanities and obscenities. Is it not the job of any living creature to provide for their young? The least they deserve is their childhood, their innocence. Let's not rob them of that.

Maybe I'm a little sad that our structured school life has basically just ended. And our paths all diverge from now on. And we'll never know each other the way we do now. It's like this tiny frame of time where all of our lives intersect, and once we leave this brief intersect we'll all change, we'll never be the same way again. So yeah. It's been a pleasure, friends, knowing all of you the way you are now. Please resist the inexorable pull of the future and not change too much, it would quite sadden me. Yep. Melancholy over.

Leaving house in just a bit, dreams of a lazy afternoon just me and my books dashed. Ho hum. Goodbye.

Starts With W Ends With W...

Er..... WOW. Yeah that's the word. The A's just ended but oddly enough it doesn't feel so momentous. Maybe that's just the lack of sleep talking. It's funny cause on my way home I was thinking if I should dota and I realized that hey, I don't even have to stop myself anymore. But nah, not going to play too long. Gets boring after a while.

Some mahjong last night, hey? I really started to feel sad for you guys after a while, I didn't want to burn your backsides so bad! Winning so tiring though, I was the first to fall asleep. Gotta do this more, the looks of anguish on your faces so satisfactory :D ZMMT FTW EHEHEEEHEHEHE.

And it's a whirlwind of a ride. Picks you up and spins you round, and when it's done it throws you down. It makes me a little fearful the ease with which it does that. I guess I have no choice but to hold on tight and enjoy the ride. It's not one with a set destination though, it's not as simple as that, at least I don't think so.

Right I can read books again. Captain Ho is lending me Flowers For Algernon, which is simply awesome. I'm really looking forward to reading that. And he has some 40% off thing at Borders so I'm gonna borrow money from my mom to buy books! Yahoo.

Hahah, this rush of euphoria, it's not natural it isn't. But if something makes me unnaturally happy, who cares? I like it. I can sleep worry-free now, tata :D

I Feel It In My Fingers, I Feel It In My Toes

I injured both my fingers and a toe. SUX2BME. Anyway the end of A's are coming. I can feel it. It's in the air around us like super-charged particles and I mean SUPERCHARGED WOOOOOHOOOOOOO. It's gonna be awesome. It's gonna be legen - wait for it - DARY! HIMYM levels of awesome-ness.

Unless of course we fail our freaking papers and have to retake them. Ouch reality bites. But let's disregard that awful possibility and enjoy life to the fullest for the next few months, cause we'll never have this opportunity again! Enjoi ttm with friends! Grow taogay! Mahjong camp! Play touch! Unless of course we fail our freaking papers, then we get to do it again next year. Hahaha.

Unfortunately with that in mind, I have absolutely no mood to study whatsoever. Our freaking shiny enjoyable futures are looming so big I can't see past them to get to my notes. And it's physics paper 3 tmr. Why oh why, O Cruel World.

Anyway everyone should catch Fantastic Mr. Fox! It is rioutously fun. What an awesome show to kickstart the end of A's or to forget for 90mins the freaking papers that are coming up. Totally enjoyable. I'm sorry CGI but old-school stop motion technology is just lovely. Brilliantly retro. And such wit too, what's not to like? Don't scoff at cartoons (yes, you!) cause if you enter the movie minus cynicism, you'll be able to enjoy yourself like any child would.

Okay anyway shoutout to my circle of friends (pls don't kick me out after today) the past few weeks have been awesome. It may or may not be a good thing but you guys have made the A's not feel like the A's thanks to all your awesomenesses. As a sidenote, pls none of you even think of winning the taogay competition cause I'm freaking farmer chuan, plants are my forte.

Time is an issue. Never thought there would be a time limit, a due date. It's troubling. I don't like it, not at all. I can't shake off the feeling that it'll all end in tears, and not dropped in happiness either. I thought it'd be EZPZ but it's not.

I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes
Love is all around me and so the feeling grows
It's written on the wind, it's everywhere I go
So if you really love me, come on and let it show
You know I love you I always will
My mind's made up by the way that I feel
There's no beginning, there'll be no end
'Cause on my love you can depend
I see your face before me, as I lay on my bed
I kinda get to thinking of all the things we said
You gave a promise to me, and I gave mine to you
I need someone beside me in everything I do
You know I love you I always will
My mind's made up by the way that I feel
There's no beginning, there'll be no end
'Cause on my love you can depend
It's written on the wind, it's everywhere I go
So if you really love me, come on and let it show
Come on and let it show

I'm Only Happy When It Rains.

But it didn't. Rolling thunder, check. Blinding lightning, check. Ominously dark sky, check. All that build-up, all that suspense, and it just died down with barely a whimper. I was so psyched for some awesome, pounding rain, the sort that limits visibility to the puny little reach of your outstretched arm. A joyous outpouring of expression, a release of pent up frustration, there's nothing quite as soothing, methinks.

Ah, lightning. A woman of such caprice. Her fleet-footed dance across the sky, at once dazzling and deadly.

I would write more but I'm afraid poetry's beyond my ken. It's like the most complex form of English ever, sometimes rigid sometimes free-flowing, and yet never understood. Nothing but Respekt for all you lit students. You guys have an awesome ability, treasure it.

Okay so we're currently in the middle of the A's. Awesome, because that means that there's only another half to go. You have no idea the longing I have for this ordeal to be over.

Well all that was typed yesterday, my brother just had to wake up and totally disrupt my flow of thoughts and stop me from blogging further. He's living the good life, he is. Going out daily, staying over, reveling in life in general. Wait till he gets to JC HAHAHA. 2 years of being a loser. Unfortunately for the next 2 years I'll be in army so as much as I wish I could be at home daily to mock him, I can't. I guess you just can't have it all.

I think life used to be simpler. Thanks but no thanks, globalization, for muddying the water. Now everything has that air of impermanence about it, where nothing is set in stone, where people can just jet off and not look back, it's a sad state of affairs. I don't like it.

I can't help but feel like I'm wasting every day. Like I'm not doing anything of note. I start on my way home and I rue all the things I didn't say, and all the things I didn't do. Yesterday, today, nothing seems to be changing. It's a sucky feeling.

Well it's 1.30 and to all you sad sacks taking econs, be hopeful, cause I'll be praying for you guys. All the best.

DeMan Who Was Not A Man.

Well today I mourn the passing of a fabrication, the death of an identity constructed. I can't say I was proud of it, it's actually quite embarrassing. I refer to it as an it and not a he, because I have this strong conviction that this construct was no man. It was this wimpy, loser stupid girl. I admit I'm a little shocked at it's existence. Even now it's dead and 6 feet under, I'm still somewhat in a state of disbelief. It was a total loser, and I was it.

Interesting week it's been. And let me tell you something about dreams, and it's not the same as that previous post about it. It's a dream of a different kind. Cause this past week, I had a dream. I had a dream where solitude was to be nothing but a memory. I had a dream where me and solitude part ways and I walk into the glorious sunset or somesuch cinematic ending. I had a dream. I no longer do. What a week.

I might actually have been possessed this last week. I've never allowed myself to dream, and as it turned out, it was a mistake. Well dreams are for people who can achieve them. If you never will, why bother dreaming? The burden of expectation on yourself, deluding yourself, and in the end it all works out to naught. If you can achieve them, by all means dream on! Cause I have to admit, the experience was something special. Folly, in retrospect, but does not bliss lie in foolishness? All fools are happy fools.

And here now we've reached the stop where my dreams get off, but the train of my thoughts continue. I'm leaving this station far behind.

Anyway I caught (500) days of summer! I've got to say it's seriously awesome and everyone should watch it cause it's really great. I'm not sure what genre it falls under, maybe love? Probably love, but it's not a romantic sappy sort. It's sort of a.... well it's a pretty light movie yet totally engrossing. There's nothing deeper to it yet it's highly enjoyable. And it's pretty hilarious too, really refreshing movie, at once hopeful yet not. Glad I took the time out to watch it. Gotta love Zooey Deschanel who incidentally is the sister of Bones! It was cool to see my man Dr. Spencer Reid from criminal minds and the lawyer also from bones. And terrifically done by Joseph Gordon-Levitt, I might just check out his back catalogue cause he's really good. Well go for it guys, just 90 minutes off studying, it's worth it.

And from the movie I do recall: People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated. I Lol'd when I heard that. The couple next to me probably thought I was trying to console meself. It's interesting how the stares I get for being alone no longer make me feel awkward but instead amuse me no end. I should do this more often.

Well enjoy a good day ahead, guys. I know I will.

Cement Lament.

I just went for a morning run. The equivalent of a morning run when your body clock is really screwed up. I slept at about 5pm and woke at 2. I then went for a run at 3.30. I thought I had run for quite some time but it turned out to be a mere 1 hour affair. No idea why time seems to be trickling by tonight. So well my lament is that my back really aches when I run. It's so irritating that I couldn't focus and hit my stride. Really unnatural pace. After only 20 mins I thought I'd run for at least half an hour. Cui man. To think I used to be revitalized after running. I think I'm going to look really haggard and tired later in school.

Anyway it seems to have whittled down to 28 days left or something. Whatever it is I don't care, I just want to make a cool reference to 28 Days Later, that cool zombie flick. Well so I think I've made my peace with not scoring spectacularly. I just feel it doesn't matter how well I score, or that I didn't get my desired straight As. Why get sucked into the paper chase? The futility of it is apparent. Yes it would be immensely gratifying and satisfying to get all As and brag about it for years, but that's purely for ego's sake. I don't think it's that important anymore. Good thing I've lowered my parents' expectations after a string of bad results since last year.

So I was wondering again about the public nature of blogs. While I would like to pretend that nobody reads my blog, that's just not possible. I'd like to think that whether or not someone is reading my posts doesn't matter, but it just doesn't work that way. It matters that I don't say what I truly want to say. And also how you present yourself, it's pretty unnatural, at least to me. Some things I want to say but they seem pretentious or something, and I eventually don't. Some things are too private. It's just weird.

Oh it's raining. Pleasant, rainy day. If I weren't already awake, I'd say it's odds on that I wouldn't go to school. Even now I'm having second thoughts. Sounds like a really good idea, to not go to school and luxuriate at home with the sound of raindrops crooning me to sleep. What poetic imagery. What temptation.

It's been raining a bit lately. Just yesterday I had a sudden urge to walk home in the rain. I remember getting soaked in the rain kicking soccer, or playing basketball, or doing whatever stupid things that kids in general do. And the best part was that we didn't care. It'd have felt good to do something stupid again, but by the time I went home the rain had subsided to the meekest drizzle. Oh well.

Note to self. I'm really upset that all my postcards and letters have vanished. Seriously. I really cherish those postcards. Each one is a slice of the past. Most of them are earnest messages of goodwill. The people who you've been close to through the years, leaving you notes of appreciation. You might see them lying around randomly and it just makes you happy to read it. A reminder of the past. Damn. I only have one left, and the postcard is a Bratz one. Pink and Bratz. Wts.

I'm having some serious reservations about going to school. But I'll just end off here. If I do go to school I deserve applause for my mental fortitude. No wait, I just changed my mind. GP and Econs? NO HAHA NEVER. Yeah my decision was made for me. Stupid timetable srsly. Till next time, then.

Nightmares And Dreamscapes.

Cool title, srsly. Yes, I didn't come up with it, it's the title of a stephen king anthology. But it sounds cool and it's pertinent to what I intend to blog about. Dreams.

Intriguing topic, really. Powerful messages from our subconscious to us? Prophetic? The thoughts lurking at the back of your mind taking form? Some of them are just plain weird. Inexplicable. And some are so vivid you can't help but think about it. The funniest are those weird AND vivid ones. I clearly recall a dream when I was young that I was licking some wax thing from the kitchen ceiling. It felt so real I wasn't sure if I really licked the freaking ceiling or not. Yucks.

Anyway the reason I'm blogging about this is the odd dreams I've been having these past few days. Child soldiers committing suicide by jumping off a cliff. That one was pretty impactful, I was thinking about child soldiers the whole day after that. And the one just last night was worse, I dreamt I received news of my brother's death. Honestly I woke up in a fright. Freaking scary.

It's not something I'm willing to contemplate. Not even slightly. And it's unimaginable, absurd. But it did set me thinking of how much of my childhood was spent with him. Some stories are special. Dear to your heart. They mean so much to you that you can't help but want to share it with someone else. When (if) I get a girlfriend I'm freaking going to regale her with all my childhood stories, and she better enjoy them. Mr Demanding.

His O levels are in I think 3 weeks time or something. I hope he does very well. Honestly I hope he does better than me. I think my parents expect alot from him so if he doesn't beat my score it'll be truly sucky. And I think he wants to beat me. Even I want him to beat me. I admit I do engage in one-upmanship with him but this is one thing I hope I get owned in.

Studied at BBMAC just now, overnight. It was however only about 6 hours, and considering a best case scenario of 50% efficiency, then it's a punitive 3 hours of studying. After skipping school for 2 consecutive days, I can with conviction say that I'm pathetic. There's just no urgency whatsoever, despite all the dire warnings we've all received about the little time left till A's. But as the saying goes, hope springs eternal. So you got that right, I'm still quite optimistic. I do remember a time where I was aiming for a scholarship. That time however, has passed. Although I am still (foolishly) thinking of straight As.

I'm suddenly feeling very tired cause the caffeine is wearing off. Damn. Probably gonna sleep through service =/ So draining. And newsflash, I saw in the papers about this teacher who had to watch as her students died while on top of her. Man. What trauma. All these disasters happening one upon another, it's very sad. Apparently it's all just a matter of time till the Big One, the earthquake that is going to be so cataclysmic. I also read that earthquakes weaken already unstable fault lines, leading to more numerous, powerful earthquakes. Won't that continue all the way until the earth splits apart at its seams? Nature 1:0 Humans.

Super tired. I'll sleep for an hour,and hopefully wake up. Till then, pleasant dreams.