In The Cold Light Of Day.

As devastating as it is to witness the riot unfold back home, it is even more upsetting to see the many speculative and often inflammatory posts/comments that have sprung up in its wake. Whether they involve derogatory remarks about the SPF or the "foreign imports" (probably one of the least of the many offensive terms out there).

It's hard to stomach Singaporeans' extreme (or at least extremely visible) xenophobia a mere 3/4 generations after our own forebears first arrived on these shores. It's sad that Singaporeans are so eager for a gahmen cock-up that they are willing to start pointing fingers at the national agencies taking the brunt of the events tonight, much (if not all) of it without any rational thought behind it at all.

Nothing but an aimless rage directed at whoever's "responsible" for all the problems Singapore faces today (the PAP, the government, the foreigners, take your pick there's more than enough targets these days).

And we're supposed to be the educated generation?

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I posted this a couple of minutes ago on facebook. Why did I do that? Possibly I was hoping to in some way affect some readers' mindsets, to restore a little sensibility and rationality to the roaring Internet today. But what was it actually? A little distance tells me that it was a knee-jerk reaction to the knee-jerk reactions of others. It was an angry retort to the angry people crowding my newsfeed. And this was done a couple of hours after the actual event.

I have to ask myself, had I been in Singapore, reacting to live updates, what would my reaction have been? Had I been sitting in a coffeeshop, in the midst of an anger slowly building up, would I have been a rational voice prescribing neutrality? I had the benefit of distance, of hearing bits and pieces as it drifted across social media, to formulate my response to a hot mess like this.

It is painful to witness my country go through a period like this from afar. It is painful also to consider that had I been home at this time I could very well have been part of the inflammatory legions seeking to exploit this for some insane.... political means? I'm not even sure, whatever government-bashing/foreign-talent-hating achieves I guess.

I am actually heartbroken. Confused, saddened, angry, frustrated, disappointed, a whole lot of emotions, but the weirdest of that lot has to be the heartbreak. Why? I am heartbroken because the nation that I have chosen to pledge my life in defence of has just witnessed its first riot in years, one that will do irreparable damage to the psyche of a nation just under 50 years old.

I am heartbroken because the chorus of rational, calming voices I half expected did not materialize, or they were crowded out all too easily by waves upon wave of speculation and inflammatory remarks, anti-foreigner sentiments given yet another opportunity to be proclaimed from the rooftops. It is like taking a hard look at one's self and realizing how deficient one truly is. That's what looking at our generation feels like, a generation that was primed to take a nation, the world, forward. But we ended up as a generation of complainers, of entitled blame-ascribing narrow-minded xenophobes who can't look inwards and think that maybe all this hate and bitterness they hold against these "foreign-talents" is one of the reasons they can't integrate into society? That even if we are arguably not the actual problem, we are contributing to it in so many ways which are intangible and unquantifiable? A generation of Singaporeans so full of ourselves we refuse to see how we might actually be a part of the problem, instead of the anti-establishment freedom-fighter human-rights-crusaders we so often seem to think we are.

One of my friends posted something like "Not Singapore, please.." and what a plaintive cry that is. One that I wholeheartedly agree with. But surely we knew the peace would not last? That no group of people, citizen or otherwise, is immune from the raging torrents of the mob mindset, that all it takes is an event capable of triggering it? Full-blooded citizens or not. Having served NS or not. Having had sons serve NS or not. That 50 years is in itself a remarkable achievement, but what do we do when something like this occurs? Point fingers at the government for a response not robust enough, not ready enough, for something it's not had to deal with in 50 years. I'm not defending wholesale what happened, complacency or whatever, but perhaps we have to consider the fact that we enjoyed stability for long enough to experience such complacency. I feel like the idealistic image I had in my mind of Singapore is being eroded now. The peace and stability I pledged to protect no longer actually there. The Singapore I decided to defend no longer the Singapore I thought it was.

What does being Singaporean mean after today? I realize this is quite a melodramatic statement to make but I really think that yes, this riot involving a few hundred people changes things. I wouldn't normally compare but an article on my newsfeed popped up the #hijabuppropet movement in Sweden, where Swedish women of all faiths have taken to wearing the hijab in solidarity with the Islam women who have increasingly become victims of Islamophobic assaults. Cut back to Singapore and you see a people lambasting the government for its lack of response, "why 20 minutes still no one??" etc. It's hard to not compare. I guess a riot is incomparable in so many ways with that, or with a bombing like the one at the Boston Marathon this year, but it seems more and more as if Singaporeans' capacity for good is being outshone by their incredible capacity for small-mindedness and petty behavior. "If this keeps up no work tmr!" "Finally we see the FTs true colours." How do you believe in a nation of such people?

I guess the question I have to ask myself is not "Why then should I still defend Singapore?" as easy as it may be to reach such a conclusion, but this: How can I, in whatever small way I may be capable of, help to mold Singapore into a country worth defending? Into the country I had in mind when I signed on that dotted line?

Because in the cold light of day, when the dust has settled, a few statistics will emerge. A handful killed. More injured, some of them police/SCDF personnel. A number arrested. A couple charged. Few months/years in prison. Et cetera. The numbers game, hard facts. But it will not tell the story. Of how the few hours of this one fateful night served to further polarize a nation reeling from a recent deluge of anti-foreigner sentiments. To fuel more violent xenophobic tendencies (taken to its extreme, although I hope dearly this never happens.) To fracture a racial and societal harmony that on the outside always seemed as if it would hold up.

That will be the untold story of the Little India Riot. But it could also be about how the indifferent majority saw the riot and decided that to not act here, now, possibly one of the most dramatic events in Singapore, would be taking our apathy too far. That to be bystanders after witnessing firsthand - not in our social studies textbooks - something historic, would be too much. Yes, we're probably not going to end up in the textbooks as history makers, but if we can in whatever small ways help to shape our nation's consciousness in the coming weeks, then we will have played our part. Maybe we can even help the next generation to read about the riot in their textbooks with eyes not of bitterness and resentment, but as a turning point, an example of how a nation decided collectively to pick itself up and to move on.

It's up to us to make that difference.

I Sea Change Within.

How easy has it become, to some of us, to start thinking that “Yes Lord, I am willing to serve You” but are unwilling to actually grow in the Lord? Yes Lord, I am happy serving in church, I am happy to be part of the Asian team, I am happy to be called a leader, but to grow in You? Oh no, no, please. I’m perfectly happy where I am now; please don’t ask me to grow any more. Isn’t serving regularly enough? I’m taking time out week after week to pray, to attend meetings, to talk to Your people! Surely that’s enough God; please don’t ask me to grow. If You love me You won’t ask this of me!

How easy has it become for us to become so afraid of what God has in store for us? Because we are so comfortable with where we are, with our current level of “spirituality”, with our current “faithfulness”, because we feel like we have achieved what God requires of us, that we have fulfilled a certain requirement, a certain Christian-ness. What comes next? A little part of us asks. The other parts, however, try desperately to ignore that question, to tell ourselves that that is irrelevant, that we’ve done enough, it’s so tiring! And succeed at doing so. We don’t want to confront the fact that we’re not quite there yet, that God still wants us to grow, that He wants us to draw yet closer to Him.

I play DotA all the time. Do I think God wants me to play it all day? Probably not. But I also ask myself, why would He not want me to play, to do something which I enjoy? Of course God wants me to enjoy life! And so I conveniently sidestep that uncomfortable first question, and find I am able to live with myself for spending hours on quite frankly, a meaningless game, which serves no purpose other than to while my time away and to frustrate and anger me. Even the enjoyment I derive from it serves only to get me more hooked onto it. But DotA is an easy example. It’s quite difficult to argue that it something desirable. It does, however, get difficult once we get to something like studying.

It’s quite hard to argue against studying. You reap what you sow, etc. But I think we have to stop in our tracks once in a while and ask ourselves this: How much of how hard I’m studying is truly necessary, and how much of it is because I’d rather trust in my own hands (minds) than in God? Not because I don’t trust God, of course, but what if..? What if He doesn’t pull through this time? What if He doesn’t want me to score well? I’d understand if God does but my parents… well no. I can’t take this risk. Or maybe some secret part of us wants to be able to claim some glory when we do well, so outwardly we might say “Thank God for my results!” but deep down we’re actually thinking “Yup, knew I could do this. I am smart and I can study.” Our flesh is always self-serving; it’s always craving for some glory, to boast in its own works. We have to be able to inspect ourselves and see whether we are doing what we’re doing to satisfy ourselves, because we’re trusting in our own efforts, instead of actually trusting God.

It’s the most important things to us that we find the hardest to entrust God with. God, take over my life! Except this one thing, cause it’s so important to me... You understand don’t You God? Just in case God doesn’t pull through this one time… Let me hold on to it just in case, it’s like having some form of insurance. I think everyone does that. Is it possible to trust God 100%? I’m not sure, frankly. I can’t say that I ever have. But I think what happens is that if we trust God with only 30% of what’s important to us, then He only has that 30% to work with. Maybe this explains why it’s the things which we hold dearest to our hearts, the things that we care most about, that sometimes feel as if God doesn’t care about.

It’s so easy to say, Let God and Let God, but how many of us are truly willing to let go of the things we hold most dear? I was just reading the Bible the other day about the rich young ruler who came across Jesus. We’ve read that story so many times it’s easy to discount this guy and just think, Oh the trappings of riches! That it’s just a story about money and possessions, which of course, as Christians we should be released from anyway, so whatever. But what do we consider the riches in our lives? Our family, friends, health, looks, smarts, studies etc.? Are we willing to give up any of these? I’m not saying God is asking us to, but if we ask ourselves this question and we come up negative, then what does this say? It says that we’re letting these things take precedence over God. God doesn’t want us to be rid of all these things which are important to us, because He knows that they are, but we have to realize when we allow them to take pole positions in our lives instead of putting God first.

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I kinda had these reflections a number of days back, after a series of rather illuminating (if also slightly painful) conversations I had with some of the only people I find myself able to talk about such things about. Not that I started out with the theme of "How easy" but a retrospective look over my life as I've lived it so far quite clearly tells me this: that I've so often managed to convince myself to take the "easy" way out.

I've always gone for, maybe even made it a point to, self-reflection, introspection and all that jazz. And I can't say it's not worked, or that it's not been necessary. But bottling things up, occasionally letting fly in random blog posts perhaps, doesn't quite achieve the same things an actual conversation does. And I'm thankful for the people in my life who are willing to have those conversations with me. Dispensing advice to people is surprisingly cathartic, and many of the things you have chosen to suppress somehow get dealt with in some weird way as well.

Anyway it's well and truly December now, and it's come to my attention that I've got just about 6 months left of formal education? An insane thought if ever there was one. Maybe it's time for me to actually get educated, instead of bum about facebook etc. 4 essays beckon, but there ya go. Procrastination at its finest. There is this thing though, the past few weeks have witnessed kind of a sea change in me. At the risk of sounding uber-fanatic, what's been going on is me allowing more and more for God to be at the center of everything I do.

I'm more than aware of how far more I have yet to go, but I guess faith means that the large distance I can see doesn't matter, only my belief in my God, the belief that He wants me to change and that He will help me in effecting that change in my life. "All these things I have asked of you, but I will be with you also."

I suddenly have this thought that I've gotten almost all I've needed out of my overseas experience. I will not be too distraught at leaving for home in 6 months, I guess. Sure, I'll miss this place but I think the reasons for my being here have almost all been achieved now. Unless God has some incredible surprise left for me! Just last year I was hoping that I'd chosen a 4 year course instead, but facing the prospect of a return for good next year, I can say almost with certainty that probably the things I'd set out to achieve, to prove - to myself or to others I'm never quite sure which - I have managed to do. Whether I've done so successfully or not is quite another question, but what I'm trying poorly to say is that probably having one more year wouldn't make that much of a difference.

I'm looking forward to coming home. In fact, I'm almost ready to say that I'm ready to come home now. Maybe I'm not there yet, but I'm more ready than I ever was. To understand what home really means. To be embraced not just by the warmth of a better (not pulling any punches here sorry England) sun, but by the warmth of my family. As a better son.

Sonship is not a concept that I've ever felt a need to explore or examine very closely, and I'm not trying to glaze over any familial problems we've had over the years. I just have never felt that there was an issue there. Maybe in some ways it has affected my walk as a Christian, my relationship with my family? I'm not sure. Nor do I feel a blog post is the place for me to talk about it even if there was, there is this perverse sense of.. voyeurism maybe? attached to the very act of blogging, a very public act of sharing psuedo-private things, but more on this another time perhaps.

But I do feel like I am slowly but surely arriving at a better understanding of what sonship truly means. And do I hope that it will help me in my relationship with my parents? You bet. I know I came to the UK for a reason, that it wasn't just an idle dream that somehow managed to get fulfilled. There's something more behind it. And if it results in a better relationship with my family then I thank God for that. And a better relationship with my Father too. I'm currently reading a book called The Return of the Prodigal Son, loaned to me by a precious friend, and who knows, maybe when I'm done with it I'm gonna be even more crazily next-level with my sonship haha.

I realize this, and probably a few of my last posts might seem like quite a marked change in direction from before i.e. a reticence on matters of faith and God. (A sea change, if you will, but I cringe at the thought of using a good phrase twice in one post, if ever.) But what else is a blog for if not to document such changes in a person's life? I mean, just perusing my first few ever blog posts.. I can think of no greater shame.... It's not meant to be some populist platform with which I intend to launch some charm offensive, although I'm aware also that at times that's exactly what I tried to do sometimes. Who can say they're immune to the pressures of perception? But I treat this as my electronic diary, almost, although not nearly as private or close to my heart as an actual written (i.e. no one else should read or can decipher) diary. My most private musings, the really raw stuff, the most bitter of resentments, disappointments, the most ecstatic of hopes, dreams, those things I'd scarcely project to my admittedly limited audience. But I guess it's a way also for my friends, for people who actually care, to track my growth as well. Cause I don't often find myself in the business of sharing all that much, so maybe this is the only way my friends can find out how I'm actually doing, just about as honest as I'm ever going to be. Maybe. Some of my posts I actually specifically tailor to address/impress a particular person. Shameful display.. But I am what I am. Warts and all.

On the subject of "I am what I am" actually, I did have a couple of thoughts a couple weeks ago, after bel's visit, about the danger in such thinking, and it's about..

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The danger of modern science, explanations, and "Why so and so.." Psychology, biology, genetics, astrology. Nature or Nurture, what defines us? That's the wrong question to ask, really, cause it is God who defines us.

We seek to feel "better" about ourselves by subscribing to all these "comprehensive" theories which try to explain us, and in so doing, pigeonhole ourselves into these labels. Daddy issues. Childhood trauma. Second-child syndrome. Leo personality. Introvert. INFP. I'm not saying these things don't exist, or are wrong. But it absolves us of the need to change what we know to be wrong about ourselves, by giving us a cop-out, saying, I was born this way. Or, I was raised this way. Whichever side of that fence you sit on.

But that's a stupid fence. It is a fence that serves only to get in the way. So often we can't see past this stupid fence, and we keep returning to it, and we get stuck. But we can sidestep it by turning to God. He is the One who defines us, however Nature or Nurture decided to mold us. He created us, not these false gods. If we focus on Nature vs Nurture, we become entrenched on explanations for why we are, when God is trying to tell us who we are.
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I probably can go on more but I'm actually supposed to start on my essay anytime now. This is rich pickings, though, so much more about pseudo-psychology, the comfort in things like astrology, the feel-good tactics in so many of these.. hoaxes I want to say. False glimmers, helping to cover up the truths so many people are unwilling to confront. "Yep, musta failed that interview cause this week isn't a Libra's week!" Come on, get off of it now. As I said, rich pickings, and a topic that makes me quite angry if I ever stop to actually think about it.

Oka doka then, see ya'll.

No More November Rain, Please.

Well.. so November is coming to a close. How decidedly odd to consider that a mere 31 days from now, a new year will be upon us. I'm not sure I'm quite prepared to face 2014. Not that I'm unwilling to leave 2013 behind (too early for a reflection here aha) but the prospect of a year in which I graduate, leave Exeter behind, and embark on the next phase of my hopefully super long life-journey-epic, is not really one I'm ready to confront just yet. Real life beckons, work, responsibility, duty, and other terribly noble ideals.

Hopefully November Rain takes a page from Guns'n'Roses' books and stops existing once and for all. Dreary skies begone forevermore.

Hmm it's been quite a week, or however many days it's been since my last post. Things are looking up, or possibly I am finally looking up, for the first time in a really long while. If I ever have at all, which is kinda doubtful. But yes, I feel like I can hope again, without feeling the need to temper my expectations as I have done so often in recent years. Low expectation = no disappointment and all that empty rhetoric.

I finally feel as if I can let go of too many of these silly ideas and.. things of the past. Bitterness, disappointment, shame etc. Mind you, much of those have been directed at myself, not to anyone else out there, much less anyone who's reading this so please try not to think I've been secretly harbouring this insane anger and bitterness against you. So much of this has been self-directed, which isn't all that healthy I suspect. And I've only done so because of some twisted inner-logic which dictated that allowing myself to take the blame for everything wrong that's happened in my life makes me that much of a stronger person. That's assuming I manage to pull through, of course, but what was happening was that I was being consumed, drowned by my own negativity. I wasn't getting out of that stinking pit, no matter that had I done so I would have emerged stronger.

I guess I'm gonna have to start thinking of what the year 2013 has meant to me, and I have a niggling suspicion it's gonna be positive. Or at least slightly more positive than last year was. And.. I have to wake up for my 9am lecture tmr because I have made a Resolution to do so, and I shall. So goodnight folks, a blessedly short post, that most elusive of rarities!