Sup.

Short post.

Ahah well not THAT short. I just felt like blogging cause I've been feeling restless. You know who you can count on to encapsulate your thoughts? The masters, that's who. With simple words and simple music, The Beatles. Here's a line.

Do you need anybody,
I need somebody to love.
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love.

Okay that was 4 lines, but you get my point. That's why they should be remembered forever, not because some marketing guru decides that it's time to milk a cash cow again.

Sometimes, you really want someone to love. Probably even more than you want to be loved. And sometimes things just won't fall into place. You might hope and dream but that confluence of time and chance just won't happen. Then what do you do? What's left to do? Sit around waiting for that perfect set of circumstances, yet again? Sometimes that seems the height of folly. Other times, it seems bearable, cause it's the only thing to do.

ZOMBIIEEeee...

Sometimes life gets so boring and monotonous, it seems we're not in fact living at all. We're all zombies. If I were a zombie I'd be the cool ones from 28 Days Later which are freaking incredible. You could be.. the ones from Thriller. I prwn you like np. Anyway I just woke up, and I'm one contented fella. I mean 9.30 on a school day? Just Like Heaven. After going through yesterday like the living dead, I can feel life coursing through my veins. Goodbye, lethargy. Unfortunately, I'm going to expend it studying later. As usual. Studying is disgusting, yet oddly satisfying if you do manage to understand everything. Mostly however, it's disgusting.

Now is the time of the year where I start getting very concerned over my friends. Some people try so hard and don't do well. Some people don't try at all and don't do well. Everyone's not doing well. And nobody knows if they will do well. I'm an optimist, I like to think that all's well that ends well. It doesn't work that way however, people succeed and people fail, barring a miracle. That's what I'm banking on, a miracle. For how can He not then give us ALL things? Keep the faith.

My goodness How I Met Your Mother is awesome. I finished season 1 in one day, that's how freaking good it is. I watched the first episode and I was hooked. It's not just the bomb, it's osama plus mas selamat plus kim jung il. And more.

And.. nope, nothing deep today. No philosphical jaunts or peeks into my dark, troubled mind, I'm sorry. That's that.

Shoutout to all my friends having trouble coping with studies, struggling with life. We'll pull through.

The Death Knell Tolls.

Oh yes, the holidays are drawing to an end. Or rather, oh no. Glorious, glorious holiday. Well I'm going to be a bore and tell you how my holidays went. First half of it, I didn't do anything. I stayed at home and dota-ed and played a cutesy mmorpg game. Gaynerd, I know. Then I started studying cause I grew a conscience all of a sudden. Of course, it helped that I woke up earlier than 5pm and that woonshin asked me out to study, or my character in said cutesy mmorpg could be a legend now. That does sound like a cool alternative way to have spent my holidays. Steamboat, bowling, pool, overnight studying with actual studying involved. Been pretty b-z so it's all good.

I also watched Moon on wednesday. I'm afraid I wasn't really in the mood for a movie, I'm not sure why, but I did enjoy it. That's a testament to how good it is, even though I was just sitting there not very engaged. It's basically a one-man show, with only one actor almost throughout the movie. Acting was fantastic. It is also a solid piece on loneliness and humanity. Good premise, majestic set, great acting, sharp dialogue, there's nothing more to ask for. There's still district 9 which apparently is still in cinemas, according to the cool new function I just discovered all starhub users have which can check movie timings. Only 20cents a pop too. Fantastic.

And friend, it's been a long time. We've hardly talked, merely made sporadic small chat here and there. You're still on my mind. Sometimes I watch a movie, and a part of me doesn't want to watch it alone. Your name always comes to mind. Then I come home and tuck my movie ticket into the bunny box. Treasured. as is everything else. Friend, you are dearly missed.

There is also however, that niggling fear. A hesitance before I start a conversation. Maybe things aren't the same, the person I'm talking to isn't the same person I used to talk to. That awkwardness stemming from months of no contact that doesn't quite go away. It's odd and makes me quite conflicted. While it was to me a treasured friendship that I don't want to lose or for it to fade away into oblivion, I'm afraid things will never be the same and we'll have lost that easy normalcy between us, leaving us as normal friends who rarely if ever talk. It's too precious for that.

We are victims of our circumstances, aren't we? Or its beneficiaries, if you're a half-cup-full sort of person. Sometimes bad things happen. But how you react to it, and the reaction of people around you, sometimes those are good things. It's good to remember that.

Life, life is a precarious business. Everything is built upon the reaction of people to situations. I assume there was an original action in the first place, but pretty much everything else is reaction. Someone did this which initiated that which caused me to do this and you then attempt that. And it's like a house of cards. Unstable, rickety, but somehow it doesn't collapse. Most of the time it doesn't. So take a step back someday and recognize the sheer improbability of life. And in that improbability, find the beauty and the wonder. It'll take your mind off the A levels :)

I actually wasn't thinking of writing all that but it just came out. Good job subconscious. I like walking. It's entirely different from running where you lose yourself. It's an opportunity to contemplate and ruminate. Lovely word, ruminate, always wanted to use it and I did :D You don't even have to ponder on things if you don't want to, but it's a good time to do so. More time than you'll ever have anywhere else (except maybe when traveling but that's different.)

I'm listening to The Cure. Really weird frontman, all that makeup is just creepy. But pretty good listening nonetheless as long as I'm not watching the video from youtube. And The Police, it's a shame I'm too lazy to transfer these songs to my phone. There's something with me and oldies at the moment. The Beach Boys. And oh beatlemania is back, according to the papers. It's good that people will listen to the beatles again but if they're gonna get overplayed on the radio then damn. I'm a Class 95 fan now though, whatwith studying at macs so often. Lovely songs, the occasional classic and the occasional boyband song, and some recent ones too but thankfully not too many of those.

Well it's 1.15am and there's school tomorrow. Even after sleeping a healthy 8 hours from 10 to 6pm I'm still pretty tired. Should (hopefully) be going to sleep soon cause there's school tomorrow. Yey? School's a mixed bag. Some days I'm happy to go and some days I regret going. And most days I wake up late and my decision is made for me. Oh man. The resumption of school means that.. It's the final leg of the journey. No, I'm not worried yet, but still this is symbolic. The Last Stretch.

On a less gloomy note my parents are back so no more being terrified of running out of money. And even better. It's dota time.

The Cure - Boys Don't Cry

I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I've said too much
Been too unkind

I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try and
Laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness
Plead with you
But I know that
It's too late
And now there's nothing I can do

So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to
laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry

I would tell you
That I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it's no use
That you've already
Gone away

Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more

Now I would do most anything
To get you back by my side
But I just
Keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

Byez

Sleepless Nights And Neon Lights.

I stand up and walk out of my room. I stare out the window. I get back into bed. I plug in my earpiece and try to sleep. Again. I don't. I stand up and walk out of my room. I switch on the tv. Gameshow. I switch it off. I stare out the window. I lie on my bed. I still don't sleep. I hear the passage of cars in the distance. Zoooooom. I am not asleep. I stare at my phone. The time. Nobody attempted to contact me.

I go out. Down 8 stories, I head out into the streets. All those garish neon lights beckoning me with their unholy allure. All that sleaze and grime. A few bucks for some loving. Sounds like a steal. I enter.

I leave. I decide, that isn't love. That's business. A mere transaction.

I walk on. And still, the neon lights like siren song, calling out. Wanton displays of flesh. No thank you, I've had my share for tonight. Instant gratification of all forms, if I would only part with my money? I am tempted. I am repulsed. To lose myself in debauchery. I ponder for a moment. No, I don't think I'd like that. I decline.

I go back home. I try to sleep. I don't. I can still see those neon lights. I stare at the ceiling. I hear the drone of the fan. Whirrrrrrrrrrrr.

----------------------------------------------------

I couldn't sleep last night and I was restlessly pacing around the house. Newspapers, tv, staring out the window. I didn't want to use the comp though. I was thinking of a cool phrase to accompany Sleepless Nights and I came up with Neon Lights, thus the story. It could have been Sights or Frights or any other word. I guess the story would be pretty different if I had blogged last night instead of tonight. That's what I like about stories, and words. The infinite variants.

I don't normally like to talk about stories much. Every story has a different meaning to everybody, holds a different truth. Same for movies. Sure, I can wax lyrical about them, but deep down, what it is that makes it tick isn't the same for you and me. Although it is interesting to observe what different people take away from their viewings. And to listen to their interpretations of it. That is if you have an open mind and aren't pissed of by every contrarian notion you see (although sometimes those who are different merely for the sake of being different are quite irksome.)

Anyway I think the story is about how easy it is to lose yourself (well, to me that is). It really is easy. There are times when you've lost yourself in a brief moment of insanity (or clarity,) and times when you wish you had. It's about those days when you stay awake at night. And everything seems to be so meaningless. Those days where you wake up and everything is so dreary and you're listless all day and so indifferent to it all. It's about a lonely person and how nobody cares for what he does. It's about how people set out to buy love but never obtain it. And it's about how some things get a hold on your mind and never release it. It could be something you've done, or wish you'd done. Or it could be someone.

In the course of writing the story I somehow had the thought that a whorehouse is like a charnel house. The people inside, they're all dead. I'm not one to pass judgment, there could be circumstances which happen to set them on their path, but I just think it's sad how the most intimate form of human contact is reduced to nothing but a business transaction. I can't imagine that a person can still truly be alive after that. You've got to have life to be alive. If the meaning of life is just to get by, to live another day, then I'm sorry for you, cause life means so much more to me.

Well, so much for not talking about stories. Anyway I finally drifted off to sleep last night and woke up 3 hours later to go for 1st service. I wish I'd slept for 2 and a half hours instead. I was late by 30 minutes for service and missed praise and worship. Darlene Zschech led worship today so I can't believe I missed it. But service was pretty good and quite pertinent.

One passage that struck me was this, Hebrews 4:15-16

For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

I was pretty disappointed when I thought that District 9 wasn't showing anymore more but lo and behold, it still is. That was just a one day exception apparently. What a scare. I'm also going to watch Moon. It's amazing how many times I've broken promises to myself. One that I haven't broken yet though, is the one to not read anymore novels. I was sorely tested the other day when I went into the westmall library. Puny and laughable though the collection there is, I found 2 books that I wanted to borrow. I even took them and was heading to the machines when the voice in my head said, NO! I complied and here I am, spending every sleepless night using the comp instead of reading myself to sleep.

I also had a haircut. Unfortunately. My sister said I look like GI Joe. I guess that's what I get for complaining about Channing Tatum's ears. It's a really horrible mistake, seriously. My brother remarked that I don't have hair, I have a cliff. If you see it you'll understand. Oh man.

So it's 7.30am already. I've been up since 3.30 after sleeping at 8. I wonder if I'll study later, since my haircut is going to subject me to much mockery. Or I could stay at home and watch Mr. Patrick Jane at work in the Mentalist. Good show, that. Almost done with the whole season despite starting only on friday. Or I could dota. Or I could watch a movie later. Tempting, that.

Alright, that's that then.