The sky turned into skyscrapers.

Cut The Cords.

2012-02-13T09:27:00.000+08:00

I don't know why but I feel suddenly aimless. Like I've been cut loose. Like I've been set adrift. I have no idea what to do, nor even what I want to do. It's nights like these that I turn to, and without even much enthusiasm if you can believe it, to dota. Don't roll your eyes angela!

It's weird. I was just reading my book, barely 20 pages in, not nearly enough for me to cast any judgment upon it just yet, when I just had to stop. I don't feel like watching a movie, I don't feel like watching The Mentalist. No real desire to play FF8. Can't muster energy for dota. Bah.

I think it was some of those lines in the book. Very plain ones (which in no way implies anything negative,) nothing outstanding at all. No breathtaking beauty of stunning poignancy. Unremarkable. But it gave me pause. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it gave me stop. I'm not gonna get any more reading done tonight.

It just got me thinking whether I've ever done anything for anyone. I don't mean just anything, of course, despite that being the word I used. I mean anything. Of value, that is, anything being such a vague word, very untrustworthy stuff. Or am I one of those hanger-ons, a leecher of life and burden-at-large. One of those people who take but never give back. Have I done things for anyone that's worth remembering?

Depressingly enough, I can't say. I hope I have, but I'm not sure. Clearly my self-worth in the throes of a bear market here ahah. Why do I remember stuff like bull and bear market sheesh. Hmm.

That's why memories are important. No matter who or what you are now, if you can look back at some distant point in time and say yeah, I made someone happy, or someone was happy because of me (hmm idk but there seems to be a subtle difference between the two, at least for me,) then I guess that's enough. What more can one ask for? To leave behind happiness.

I don't believe in shiny things like a legacy, or shinier still, a fortune. I mean sure, that's all well and good, but not everyone's cut out for that stuff man. Your common man, what should he aspire to leave behind? If not happiness, what then? A swathe of destruction and broken fingers on your way to the top of the corporate ladder? Okay, if you're talented in some way or another then yes, please do leave behind your 47th Symphony or A Remarkable Portrait of an Olde Man or sth, go change the world for the better.

But for us regular folks? Happiness. The memory of a kindness done. Companionship fondly remembered. Not to say we shouldn't change the world for the better, just in our own small ways. No need for grand gestures like solving world poverty and all that, although if you could that'd be swell. Baby steps will do. If the whole world takes a tiny step in the same direction.. it would be kinda cool. Haha I can't think of anything wise and clever to say. Maybe the earth will tilt a little dangerously.

I was just thinking of being cut loose when The Killer's Human came to me. Surely one of the most bewildering lyrics ever. Are we human? Are we dancer? Are we denser?? What??? And I was just thinking about the cut the cords part. I'm associating that with electricity and wondering: what would we be like if we cut all the cords? I reckon we'd be buggered. 6 billion people who wouldn't know how to adequately handle boredom. We'd be bored into the depths of insanity, man.

I never like to think of myself as reliant on anything but I'd be well confused if technology were to be taken away just like that. I'm not sure I could survive. There's just so many things we're used to now which would be gone. It's when I think of that that I think I can, maybe, somehow understand what the older generation are going through with all these technological advances. It's just this whole new world, one they weren't brought up in. It's kinda sad.

And they don't have much choice in the matter. The decline of the radio, kids forcing handphones upon their parents (by kids I include those middle-aged ones of course,) the seeming necessity of emails and stuff. Seriously creepy too-many-buttoned remote controls.. The list goes on. Must be pretty bewildering, no?

Umm yeah. Kind of ran out of thoughts. So, litany over. Mayhaps some dota!

The Looking Glass Wars.

2012-02-12T03:33:00.000+08:00

I just had this most amazing dream. Or rather, series of dreams. And it wasn't exactly amazing per se; it was not particularly fantastic nor did it suspend my disbelief. Well, it did require a little suspension, but it was not the Golden Gate kind, more like the Tree Top Walk kind. Whatever the case, it was a very happy dream. I won't share it all with you, cuz it was personal! I had like 4 dreams in a row, and only one of them wasn't pleasant. It was Annabel telling me my hair is becoming a disaster hahaha. I have no choice but to say that it already is a disaster. I'm getting tickled all over my face by unruly strands of hair. The other dreams featured certain people of the female persuasion, some of whom my brain really worked hard to dredge up from the past, and it was nice.

It was so pleasant that even after waking up and subsequently failing to get back to sleep to try and hold on to the dream, I managed to retain that sense of happiness! Even till now. My subconscious probably has a crush on me or sth, it treats me so good! Hehe.

I've been listening to some songs lately which I really like. And some of the videos are brilliant too. One of them is The La's Looking Glass, which is a nice way of thinking of dreams. It's like a looking glass through which you glimpse a life you could have had, or a life you might yet have. Thank you Lewis Carroll for Alice in Wonderland!

Great Northern - Houses is one of my favourite songs atm. Then there's Kasabian's Days Are Forgotten. Madraguda's Step Into This Room And Dance With Me really grew on me. Initially I thought meh, but now I really like that song. Civil Twilight - Letters From The Sky. Guster - Satellite has a really nice video. So does Fossil Collective's On and On. SoKo's First Love Never Die has a super cute video too, co-directed by Matthew Gray Gubler!! I'm gonna have to watch Criminal Minds super soon man. And the boy in the video's name is.. Trip Star Moon. Tell me how irresistible is that? Super awesome.

Echo Is Your Love is one of my new finds, a Finnish band introduced by a Finnish friend. He told me they were one of the most creative rock bands on the scene and I concur. Silver Sufferer and We Celebrate Life, das gut! Saint Etienne too, to satisfy a craving for some electropop. Goodstuff!

Marina and the Diamonds' I Am Not A Robot is cool cause I like the lyrics. About trying to fit in and to be cooler than you are, or at least that's what I think. Maybe it's about Terminator trying to be taken seriously as an actual person, with feelings, though. It's hard when you're an Austrian superhunk though.

Well. Just watched The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo too and it was pretty good. Not at all what I was expecting. Much more... graphic. And intense. Definitely not one for the squeamish. And that girl has the weirdest face ever. Not exactly ugly, but not pretty either. Just odd.

Also made goreng pisang again, but I don't think the outcome was as good as that first time. Less creamy and it didn't melt in my mouth this time :( I think it was the semi-ripe bananas in use instead of the overripe ones. I also made a successful prawn dish, so my Cooking has gained quite a fair bit of EXP I think! When I reach level 50 I can enter the cooking guild (Y) (runescape anyone!)

Anyhow. It seems I'll be going to the Vatican for Easter Virgil this year. Definitely not something I'd foreseen, but that's what happens when you say "yes" to someone else. So many things would be different (not neccesarily better) if one just takes proposals with an open mind, instead of saying no for the sake of saying no. So a Vatican trip materializing out of no where with 2 of my fellow Singaporeans here. Should be interesting.

And I have decided not to go for the Valentine's Day traffic light party. I can just imagine the hordes of desperate single people decked out in green (or yellow, those who're trying to be coy) pouncing on any and every opportunity that presents itself. Not that I'm not desperately single myself... but that sounds pretty garish to me. Desperation in the air probably way past saturation point, you'll probably see blobs of gloopy Desperation on the walls and floors. Yurgh. I haven't decided what I'll do though. Probably stay at home and play a game hahahha. With Rinoa to keep me company.. Which is hands-down the most loserishest thing it's possible to do probably, but I shalt care not!

It's pretty depressing how I've only ever had one Valentine. Aha. In the realm of the single sad lonely gamers, the one-date man is king. So I shouldn't feel too bad about myself! Although that was... 4 years ago now! I've probably lost my touch altogether.. Hahah. That's pretty incredible, the passage of time. I wouldn't have pegged it as something that happened 4 years ago. That's a lifetime ago. Damn are we ageing!

I'll listen to Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band on V-day. There's always a song to celebrate every occasion. This Christmas past, mine was Greensleeves, or What Child Is This. I was in Nice when I suddenly thought, damn, if only I could listen to Greensleeves! I only heard it upon coming home, 2 weeks after Christmas, but it's still my Christmas song haha. Sgt Pepper's lonely, Sgt Pepper's lonely, Sgt Pepper's lonely hearts club band!!!

Ho hum. Okay. See ya'll. Signing off as the LB (lonely boi, that's what we called ourselves wasn't it? nong nong time ago.)

Days Are Forgotten.

2012-02-09T21:42:00.003+08:00

I forgot to mention my awesome saturday actually. It started off with actual snow, which I did mention. Actually it started off with me waking up at 9am. So that's 2 miracles within 10mins of my waking up. That already satisfies the criteria for a Super Saturday I think. But that wasn't all. I dropped my Horlicks and spilt the powder everywhere, so that takes it down a notch or seventeen.

There were CNY celebrations so I was treated to a brilliant display of fireworks on campus! Singaporeans are so starved for fireworks really, it's just NDP, NDP rehearsals (I think those feature fireworks) post-NDP firework spam, and my birthday. That is so self-aggrandizing. Which, I think, is the whole point of that phrase anyways. You feel more important and coolz just saying self-aggrandizing. I mean New Year's Day of course. It would have been mega brilliant had I not had a chap with a mega umbrella standing in front of me blocking half the show. I had to duck and weave around on the spot trying to get better angles, which really does wonders for one's Fool cred.

After that I returned home for dinner. Creamy chicken soup with croutons, leg of lamb with butternut squash and oven-baked peppers. Sounds good already yeah? But no. We ended off with goreng pisang. Which I made. Okay, I was not alone in my endeavours, but the goreng pisang would not have come into existence without my contribution!! So pleased with myself hehe. A man is forever changed after he knows he can cook a mean goreng pisang. And damn if it wasn't the meanest goreng pisang ever. Self-praise is no praise, sure, but I'm going to go ahead anyway!! So smooth. And creamy. It could almost be said to be divine, except it was a little better than that. The way the pisang melted in your mouth. You know what's the problem here? It's me trying to describe something that's indescribable. It's unpossible. It was good!

That was the day we watched The Fountain. So it was a superb day! The kind of days you hang on to life for. Hoping tomorrow turns out that way. Instead you mope about on facebook and lie in bed with a book and listen to songs on youtube and play dota and/or final fantasy and cook instant noodles and slide off one day at a time into oblivion.

Not that I don't enjoy all that. I'm as happy as a cat with cream (how happy is a cat with cream anyway??) when I get new books and get to tuck in under my duvet (oh my duvet.. how thou art lov'd) and spend a whole day just reading. But that's not always enough is it? Life is incomplete wtihout goreng pisang, that's my point.

I just got 2 new books delivered. thebookdepository newbestfriend. I love the covers on these books, they look so amazing. I didn't even rmb they looked so awesome or were gonna be in hardback till I opened the parcel. These are the "experimental" sorta books. The kind I might like but just buy anyway, at least they look awesome so even if I don't enjoy them I'm kinda satisfied hehe. How shallow! But I have high hopes for them. Don DeLillo's The Angel Esmeralda: Nine Stories and Kjersti A. Skomsvold's The Faster I Walk The Smaller I Am. A Norwegian author, seems pretty cool! And the website told me it was a rare book so I couldn't help myself haha.

Okay I keep forgetting about this post haha. It's been 3 (or more) days since I started it but I keep getting distracted by dota and the like.. Those of you who are interested to know (and, unfortunately, those who aren't) will find out that I have spent 54 hours (more, that does not include the restarts and ragequits) on FF VIII since last tuesday!! Pretty amazing I think.

Valentine's Day looms. My friends are trying to convince me to go out to a club but I think I shall resist. Somehow they managed to get me to go on tuesday though, tsk. I guess it was alright, although I must say that was the first time I've ever heard Wonderwall in a club. And S-Club-7. They don't call it Cheesy Tuesday for nothing. But that was 10, almost 15 pounds, and I really should be saving my dough. I still need to do my groceries!! You would not believe how domesticated I am now haha. I've been busy using up all my stock in my fridge though, I'm left with half a packet of prawns and 1.5 onions. Pretty amazing how I manage to stave off starvation!

Kasabian - Days Are Forgotten

Well, ta.

The Last Good Fight I'll Ever Know.

2012-02-06T21:21:00.001+08:00

It's snowing!!!!!!! Woohooooooooo. It's a different feeling when you're not on holiday and it's snowing right out your window like it's the most natural thing in the world. Wooohoooooooooooooooooo!! It's been freezing the last couple of days though, I'm srsly considering wearing my long johns if I go out in the night, although it always makes me feel slightly loser-ish haha. Jeans4winners. But nothing serves better as a deterrent for school than frozen solid white precipitation bombarding you eh? Always happy to have new excuses to miss lectures :)

I finally completed my essay and it was a mess. Complete rubbish really haha. I'm hoping I'll scrape through with a 50% or sth, that's how dire it was. And I got a 2.1 for my first assessed essay so I'm plenty happy hehe. Never thought I'd be overjoyed to get 62% but that's how it is. There's no way I'm getting a first, ever. It's a pretty tall order man! And I was pretty convinced I was gonna flunk the essay. I've never felt so kancheong receiving any results before, not even O's or A's. It must be the idea that I was gonna fail it and dreading it like crazy. Thank god that worked out well.

I haven't really been doing much of late. While doing my essay I downloaded Final Fantasy VIII (only one of the best games in existence) and I was just so desperate to get my essay out of the way so that I could start playing it. Hehehe. That's what I've been doing since Tuesday. Day after day of Squall and Rinoa and occasionally Angelo and RENZOKUKEN! Okay. Mega-nerd maybe. I dontch cares I have my game to play!!! I found time to squeeze in some games of dota as well. We all know my wayward friends are constantly leading me astray.. or they just can't do without my skillz. I don't know when and how I've become so cocky while playing though.. wait! I've always been this cocky! Oh.

I watched Contagion at the campus cinema and The Grey in the theatres. I don't know but Contagion was oddly unsatisfying. Well, not really, just not as impactful as I expected it to be. It's not like anything was wrong with it; the acting was solid, the casting was superb, the whole movie was eerily realistic. I think maybe there were too many strands of the story waving around, and it wasn't all that interconnected. So it wasn't bad, but it wasn't fantastic.

I'm not sure what I think of The Grey. I'm pretty sure wolves don't behave like that in real life, so I was kinda dubious about the whole thing. But Liam Neeson was good. And I really like that poem.

Once more into the fray
Into the last good fight I'll ever know
Live and die on this day
Live and die on this day.

It's the "good fight" part that strikes a chord. It's what you want to believe. I always wonder, if (when) I'm gone, will people be able to say:

He ran the good race
He fought the good fight.

or something like that? Was it a life worth living? A life I can be satisfied with? Who knows eh? Let's hope the day is still far off haha. I'd be pretty upset if I were to expire in the near future. Hopefully when the time comes I won't look back and see a trail of destruction and neglect, to have exhausted my money and expended my love, all for naught. That would be sad. But there's still many many years to go yet, and everyone has the power to choose what they wanna make of their lives, so let's hope I don't muck it up haha.

There usually aren't such fatalistic thoughts in my head, it's just watching Liam Neeson trudge through blizzard after blizzard and having to fend off a pack of wolves haha. And reading The Hunger Games. Good stuff, that. I have such a weak spot for teenage fantasy/sci-fi action books. Even though usually you find that they are lacking somewhat in depth, and they're not allowed any sex or anything too bleak and depressing. But there are amazing ones. Everytime I think of amazing young people's series I think of Garth Nix's Abhorsen trilogy. Was it Sabriel, Lirael and Abhorsen? Amazing stuff. I have to buy it definitely.

Then there's When The Tripods Came, the trilogy (or 4 part I can't recall.) Then there's Susan Cooper's The Dark Is Rising, which was apparently massacred as a movie haha. Then there's Twilight... you know I'm trolling. I swear 9gag is getting out of hand btw. I admit I've spent hours on the damn website trawling through the trolling. But it's incredible how a sub-culture has evolved into sth so massive it's 1-in-3 facebook posts.

I kind of doubt the majority of people from older generations get what in the world is going on with all the trollfaces and the lolpics and stuff. I have this impression that their humour is more direct, not so many insinuations and cultural references and stuff. It's pretty specific, I think, and exclusive. To a generation that understands My Little Pony and Twilight haha. It's weird to think of humour evolving. Sometimes you watch an old comedy and you think, lame!! and it's like we outgrew certain forms of humour. Weird man.

Okay I just watched The Fountain. Incredible. I'm still kinda reeling from how mindblowing the movie was. Wow. Srsly. I think Darren Aronofsky is epic. Black Swan. Requiem For A Dream (which I haven't watched only because I'm too scared too watch it, which says alot about the movie doesn't it!) The Wrestler (which I'll have to watch now) I won't pretend I understand fully what went on in the movie what it was beautiful nonetheless. Definitely one for a second viewing!

Okay I'm gonna watch Submarine, The Help, The Inbetweeners, Once, Transsiberian next. Clearly not gonna have enough time to study! But dota beckons, now. :)))

You Know Something Is Wrong When..

2012-01-25T08:50:00.000+08:00

.. you find yourself taking your textbook into the toilet with you to pangsai. Hahahaha sorry TMI but I couldn't help myself! I was just thinking how wrong it was to be doing that. Curse you contract law! Okay la, I brought it onto myself by skipping countless lectures but still. Lifesux.

Anw just caught 50/50 (not exactly what I should be doing with an essay deadline just around the corner.. and zero clue of how to go about doing it, let alone cough up 1500 words sigh) but it was brilliant. JGL just cannot put a foot wrong these days! Perfectly balanced, not going overboard with the humour nor skirting the subject. And I knew I saw Anna Kendrick somewhere and it wasn't Twilight. It was Up In The Air! Wow that was ages ago now, isn't it. Timesux.

I didn't mention that I went on a Ryan Gosling spree the other day. Half Nelson and Fracture. I've got Lars and the Real Girl downloaded but am holding off for now, gotta get that darned essay done haha. I rmb wanting to watch Lars in the cinema, and I clearly rmb thinking the lead character was an old fella. The wonders you can achieve with facial hair! Too bad I can't muster more than 20 of those guys at a time, instead of looking unshavenly sexy blahblah I just look like.. I don't even wanna say what I look like. Facialhairsux.

I also watched We Need To Talk About Kevin, which was very, very good. It is pretty unsettling. Tilda Swinton was amazing in it. She can look surprisingly young when she has to! And I finally watched Munich, so I don't feel like a total mountain tortoise now! Didn't know Eric Bana (Troy has immortalized him in my mind) and Craig, Daniel Craig, were in it. What a movie too. I really liked the recurring themes, especially the one about home. And the movie didn't take sides either, nor did it try to lecture its audience on anything. So it was good! Didnotsux!

Newest find is Uh Huh Her, because lesbian duos rock! Tegan and Sara? T.A.T.U? Direct correlation between sexuality and talent it seems. T.A.T.U just on the strength of the infectious ALL THE THINGS SHE SAID RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD etc etc. What a tune! But yeah Uh Huh Her rocks!

Okay I shall stop here. Kind of a setback to my toilet-toiling just now, studying so hard only to waste my time on blogging here haha. Good-bye!

Loony New Year.

2012-01-23T16:34:00.002+08:00

Happy Lunar New Year folks! Truth be told this does not feel at all like chinese new year :( AHH! (Absent-Hongbao-Holler!) and AWW :'( (Angbao-Withdrawal-Weeping.) I ran out of others. Then again.. LOL (Lack of Loveletters.) WEPT! (Where Eez Pineapple Tart!) KPKB (I know what you're thinking, but it's Kan't Procure Kueh Bangkit.) Okay I'm abit lazy to think of new ones. I'm trying to think of Almond and Peanuts and realize how silly an exercise this is haha. Not usually what I do at 7am in the morning, believe me.

Okay I just had this skype call from back home!!11 Which would have been wonderful had my relatives not been there as well, not to say that it was bad, but we aren't exactly super close and it had the potential to turn out super awkward. That's what happens when you have parents who have not gotten over the wonders of skype! Hahah, it's quite nice to receive tidings from back home though, and I got to see my super-cute niece too hehe.

If only bakwa were transferable through skype, I'd take the time to do the file transfer even if it were 25GB sigh :( I can't complain though, I had a pretty decent SingSoc dinner yesterday night, and I won first prize in the lucky draw! I'm still in shock pretty much. I don't win lucky draws. Luck and me sort of have a disagreement going on, but I guess this is her trying to patch things up. Must be afraid of being lonely on the impending Valentine's Day, silly girl.

Impending has a very negative connotation to it, cause I only ever see it used in conjunction with doom so.. I have no idea what I'm going to do for Valentine's Day haha but it's kinda early to be thinking of it.. Maybe I should go on a trip to celebrate or rather to escape celebrating it! Scotland beckons..... Uh oh. Clearly infection has set in from my previous travel bug bite. Sounds like a plan though.

Oh yeah about dinner. We had louhei, or yusheng (that's what I call it anw) and lobster and other very chinese dishes, so it's not all doom and gloom here! My first prize was a 25 pound amazon voucher so that paid for my meal and more!!! Life is good leh srsly. The committee prepared Bee Cheng Hiang in our red packets as well, so at least I have one to boast of! My table won first prize in some quiz too so I brought home hello panda, and 3 mega pineapple tarts. It's like 2.5 times your normal tart size, which is a hell lot of calories indeed! Apparently it's super fattening but.. who cares during CNY man srsly. It's a 2 week pig out session you can feel good about, and you're paid for it too, whatwith all those angpows flying in.

I don't get to dabble in my favourite activity of the season, pineapple tart comparison. That's the one where you go around to everyone's houses and sample their tarts, comparing the subtle differences between the homemade ones and the bengawan solo ones, the longish ones and the round ones, the round ones and the uncovered ones. Oohhh. So many nuances srsly. Those that melt in your mouth. Those that are kinda sticky. You get my drift!!!! I REALLY MISS PINEAPPLE TARTS!!!!!

First reunion dinner that I've missed, ever. I had my CNY cut short last year cause we had to sail, sail away from home, but that was midway through it, with all the large scalps collected, I mean angpows. I should give my brother my angpow money though, poor clerk that he is! Hahaha l0ser sia.

Ho hum, okay, nothing much more to say, apart from happy chinese new year once again! Hope you enjoy yourself loads and put on at least 2 kilos worth of chinese new year goodies for my sake hehe, and collects loads of angpows too, hopefully for my sake too, but I've gotta be realistic here!

And whilst totally off-topic, I want to say that I'm in love with Meiko and Ingrid Michaelson!! Super cute and super funny singers. I actually spent quite a few hours going through Meiko's tumblr hahah, like a total loser. And watching their videos on youtube. Especially Ingrid Michaelson's live performances cause she's just so funny. Okay. At the risk of sounding like a hopeless fanboy, this is me professing once more my undying love for the 2 of them!!! Okay stop. Check out the lyrics to the saddest song about hot dogs in existence over there --> Hehe.

I think I shall try running today. See how I hold up in the cold, even though after my french trip I feel positively stronk now, shrugging off the sluggish winter here with ease! Hehe. I'll probably return moaning and jumping straight into a hot shower though. It does get pretty chilly. And my hands. Just thinking about it makes my fingers wince. Oh wells I will go anyhow.

Ho hum, okay then. Propserous New Year to all!

The Hypothetical Deaths of Hank and Doris.

2012-01-22T09:52:00.002+08:00

Well, he started, I don't think I really ever loved her anyway. It's like, she just wasn't the one, you know?

When I first saw him, she mused, I thought "Now here's a man I could love." And I thought that I would. That I'd learn to, maybe, somehow. But I didn't.

I tried, he continued, but it just never felt like really, 100% right, you know? Like I'd do all these things for her, things I'd got off movies or books or something. But they were just rip-offs. And I'd feel kinda shitty after. Cause she'd go, you know, all mushy and I-love-you-darling and all. And I'd have to say the same things back, and I'd be lying.

I guess after a while I began to feel some.. affection for him. His presence, his steady income, it was nice. And he loved me so much, I could never bear to hurt him so. Not by telling him I didn't feel the same way.

I mean, it's not like I didn't like her. She doesn- well that's didn't now isn't it- look half bad, and she was plenty sexy when she was younger. I mean, the sex was alright. She made breakfast, and stuff like that. And we hardly ever fought as well, you know? So yeah, I was happy to have her around that's for sure.

Fond, that's the word. On a scale ranging from Infatuation to Truly-Madly-Deeply, it probably lies somewhere ambivalently in the middle. Or maybe it belongs to another scale altogether, to one for pets and young children. Fond. Like he was nice to have around, but there never was this urge to be with him, nor even to be close to him.

But life goes on eh?, he shrugged. I mean I gotta learn to do my laundry and all, it's gonna be a pain. And I guess I'll miss knowing someone else's around even when I'm reading the papers or watching a game or something. Like there's somebody there, you know?

The little things. The warmth of a thigh on a long journey home. Waking up to the sounds of a man brushing his teeth. Having someone to talk to at the end of the day. It's always the little things you miss the most isn't it?

___________________________________________

Perhaps my favourite part of this story is the title. I'd finished it, but had no idea what its title was gonna be. Inexplicably the phrase hunky-dory drifted into my head, and I decided, that's it, they're gonna be Hank and Doris. Just about as random as it gets! I really like it haha.

Okay so I'd written this story first, before the House of Bees one. Maybe it was writing this that brought me onto the subject of love and not admitting you don't love someone and stuff which led to that other story. What led me to this one? I have no idea. Not a blooming clue! This has never been one of my unfinished stories, nor have I ever thought about something like this before.

I just woke up, tossed and turned at 3 in the morning, and decided what the hell let's try something. Maybe 2 hours later this was the result. Some lines I wanted to put in, and had to find a way to insert them. Rearranged some of the parts to get a nicer flow. Not that easy when you're not using a computer and Control-X haha, which is probably why I took so long to finish it!

Tried to get a different style for Hank and Doris. Took out all the big words from Hank, tried to judiciously scatter the "likes" and "you knows" and "I means" without being too heavy-handed about it. Supposed to tell you that he's probably not the brightest bulb in the box, not too good at communication at all.

And then Doris. I tried to change the sentence structures, syntax or whatever English jargon else, to make it obvious that it was a different person talking. The goal is for you to be able to distinguish whose paragraph is whose without the "he said", "she continued" stuff to clue you in. Didn't think I made it, so I put Doris' parts in Italics hahah. She's supposed to be smarter than Hank is, really in it only for the comfort and the constancy and that little bit there about the income. Didn't want to overplay that and end up with a stereotype of shopping-sprees-money-grubbing-wife.

That last paragraph there was inspired by the detective character in The Sleeping Doll who'd lost her husband, a totally random book I picked up at the Grenoble hostel's reading room. The only English book in there, I might add.

I thought I might end it with Hank and Doris finding out that, no their spouse isn't dead, and they both knew what the other had said. And I thought I might end there. And then I thought I'd add another paragraph saying what they did after they found out. That is, nothing. I have a hunch if they found out they didn't love each other, they still wouldn't separate. They might just shrug it off with a weary sigh. What do you think eh?

But I didn't add all that stuff. I think cause I wanted it to remain as 2 sides of a story, confessional. Not a story with an ending. I don't know if you know what I mean. But I always feel like I have to explain myself at the end of a story, I really don't know why either. To justify why it turned out like that maybe, to remind myself of the parts that I left out, the parts that could have been in my story, I don't know. Probably all of that, and more. Anyhow, yeah. I wanted the tone to be just like that, and I wanted it to end just like that.

I don't know if I prefer abrupt endings. When I read.. I like both I guess. It's always very relieving to read a book which wraps itself up perfectly neatly, don't you think? No loose ends, everything's finally over, closure. It's good. I like that. Then you get stuff like the stories off St Lucy's Home for Girls Raised by Wolves with the weirdest, most random endings, and that feels delicious as well. The initial sense of confusion and frustration maybe, like, what?!?!? How can it end like that!!! And then after that I'll think, huh, okay. Wow. Sweet. Something like that haha, it's pretty hard to describe!

But when I end my stories I almost always prefer an ambiguous conclusion. Maybe not so much ambiguous as no-follow-through, no telling how the characters feel after that or the fallout or anything. Maybe cause I don't know what happens anyway. And because I think nobody gets neat little endings in life, so I don't include that. We have this desire for perfect endings or at least no loose ends, for a sense of closure, but truth is, most of the time that's not how things work out. Most of the time we end up futilely befuddled, and then we gotta move on.

Er, didn't think I'd have so much rubbish to say actually. I bought A Constant Gardener for 1 pound in portsmouth, and thanks to that book, I've managed to read a total of 5 books while travelling. Pretty impressive hey? Probably indicative of how much free time I had hahah. I brought Lord of the Flies along as well, which is a disturbing tale indeed.

I swapped my Constant Gardener (I was NOT keen to swap away my brand new Lord of the Flies) for a really shitty book called A Quiet Belief in Angels. It was a struggle to read the damned book srsly. I mean the story wasn't bad, really. But it was the writing. Awful. I can't say forcefully enough how much I hated it. It was really bad.

I hated how much the protaganist was going on and on and on about himself and this promise he made to this girl. And then when he was like 15 he acted like he was 8, and I was just going zomg kill me please, I wasn't that pathetic when I was 15 surely!!! And I could go on and on and on. It was miserable reading. A review said - A tour de force yada yada yada, I say PUI!

I swapped that for Nightfall or something by Stephen Leather, and the difference in style made it instantly pleasant reading. A supernatural thriller, not really the kind of book I usually go for, but I just had to offload that awfulness. Switched that for Super Sad True Love Story in Nice. It was pretty good. Set in a dystopian future.

I really like those dystopian settings. It always tells you what the author sees happening to the world. Usually a little depressing, but sobering, so it's cool. Usually very snarky observations about humanity and its excesses, or the perils of a nuclear arms race etc etc. And usually believable as well. Maybe not probable, but at least possible, and realizing how possible it is is pretty shocking.

A bit too vulgar and overboard perhaps, but a great story. I took it home with me, didn't swap it for anything haha. Then I took The Sleeping Doll from the hostel in Grenoble, meaning to return it on the morning I left, but I found myself caught up in conversation with this Canadian fella and promptly forgot to return it. Big whoops. It's here now haha.

So that's how I managed to finish all of 5 books! I'm pretty sad I had to lose A Constant Gardener, and if I hadn't a conscience I could have just taken a new book without swapping it cause the shelf was pretty much free-for-all, but I couldn't bring myself to do that haha. I'll have to find another used bookshop and procure it, hopefully for one pound again!

And I bought Before I Go To Sleep and The Hunger Games recently cause I ran out of books to read, apart from my textbooks of course. But who wants to read those really! So I've been doing quite well with my reading hehe.

Er okay maybe I'll stop here, wouldn't like to see another wall of text now do you! I can't believe how long that post turned out though, pretty incredible haha. Anyhoo, ciaoz.

The House of Bees.

2012-01-22T05:04:00.003+08:00

"When you can hold a bee in your hands and not be stung, that's when you'll know you're in love."

That's what mama told me when I was younger. What she didn't tell me was, that's the easy part. The difficult part comes later.

One fine day, in the throes of youth and passion, I did it. I went and found myself a bee, I brashly made a grab for it. After holding it for two minutes I released the bee unstung, supremely buoyed by the knowledge that I was, indeed and at long last, in love.

All's well that ends well, you might think. But I'm miserable now.

I don't know if I'm in love anymore. I don't want to know. So I've developed this overwhelming phobia of bees. In fact, I get twitchy everytime I hear even the faintest of buzzes. I've got buzzophobia.

At least I can pretend I'm still in love. I mean, I might be. I can still say "I'm in love" and not know for a fact I'm lying. That's good. That's what I need.

But I'm certain the bees are out to get me. I've gotten all these nets and wire mesh installed so they can't get at me. I found this anti-bee device that's supposed to emit at a frequency that keeps bees away. It's gonna cost me hundreds and I'm almost certain it's not gonna work, but I've gotta try everything.

I've gotta do all I can to keep the bees away.

___________________________________________

I typed two short stories into my phone on two consecutive days while in Grenoble and Geneve respectively. I'd alr filled up my notebook so I had nothing to do when I found myself awake in the middle of the night, both nights. It'd have been really rude and inconsiderate to turn on the lights and disturb my dorm mates to read as well, not to mention I'd pretty much finished my book alr and I had to ration it for future train rides etc.

So I lay in my bed in Grenoble and tapped out this little story on my phone. Probably didn't do wonders for my eyesight, staring at my tiny screen. HTC Snap not the best phone you could ever ask for, not on your life!

This came directly from Truman Capote, if I'm not wrong. One of the short stories that I read in Breakfast at Tiffany's, I'm pretty sure it was House of Flowers, maybe. And it had something about the girl being in love if she could hold a bee in her hand and not be stung. While reading that I had this random thought that I wrote in a draft in my phone: I must not love you anymore, the bees have stung me.

I was just thinking, wow, she's gonna go around deathly afraid of bees now isn't she! I mean, she might think she's still in love and all and then bam! stung. And that would have been that. Her little love life would crumble around her just like that. I thought that seemed the most likely outcome. Okay sure, for the first few weeks, months, she might boldly walk in flower gardens buzzing with bees, but what happens after that first argument? etc etc.

And who's gonna want to admit that they're no longer in love? People lie to themselves all the time. They want to lie to themselves. They want to be able to. You see loveless marriages where nobody concedes the fact that there's nothing left. Wouldn't you run away from something that can confirm your dark, niggling doubts, the frightful awful truth?

That's what I thought. That I wouldn't ever want something that can tell definitively, for sure, whether you're in love or not. It's not an absolute thing, it wavers sometimes. Some days you love each other more, others, maybe not so much. And then this bee comes and stings you? No, no. I could never live with that, I think.

Haha I don't know why I mulled over that story so much, must have read it in September maybe, and then out pops this little story one random night on my travels. I didn't even think I was ever gonna write a story about it, it was just a random thought after reading a story. But I guess that's what you do when you lie awake at night, nothing but your phone to entertain you, not even any wifi! All you got is your messages and your drafts, pretty lean pickings there haha. So here goes. There's one more coming up too!

Happiness Not Real Unless Shared.

2012-01-19T05:44:00.002+08:00

Hey ya'll. This will be my holiday/travel post at long last! Hehe. All I'd done was book my ferry ticket to Le Havre, France, and my plane ticket back from Geneva. And my first night in a hostel in Paris. I did not book anything else at all. I did not plan anything else at all. I just thought that I'd go from Le Havre to Paris to Lyon to Marseille to Nice to Grenoble to Geneva. I didn't know how long I was gonna stay at any one place, except that I wanted to do Christmas in Paris. And I wanted to spend New Year in Nice mainly just to say I had a Nice New Year. Seriously. That was the stupid motivation I had for that decision.

So it was entirely flexible. Which is great, I truly think that's the most awesome way to travel. Room for spontaneous decisions, no need to overstay a place you hate, option to go anywhere anytime etc. It also leads to some hairy situations. Arriving somewhere in the night with no place to stay. No cheap tickets to get out of someplace cause the trains are fully booked. Wandering around for hours looking firstly for wifi, then for the hostel. Freedom comes at a price, truly!

Okay I have to set the context right. Just before departing for Portsmouth and the ferry to France, I'd been somewhat down with a fever, so wasn't in the pinkest of moods. Then I thought: imma watch Into The Wild since I'm gonna be alone for the next 3 weeks! What better movie?!

Big mistake. Okay, maybe not a mistake per se, but it forever tainted my trip. Maybe tainted in a good way, I don't know, but nevertheless without doubt it affected me. See, one of the last lines was this. "Happiness is not real unless shared." Or sth like that, let's not be pedantic! And srsly, who can go into a three week backpacking adventure along with those words in your mind? Very powerful movie, that.

So what I'm trying to explain is that I set off for my holiday, all alone, with those words ringing mightily in my skull.

These words.

I purchased this nice little notebook from this store run by nuns which sold little arty things and such, and I told myself I just HAD to get a fancy notebook to write in cause I'd forgotten to bring one over. Okay sorry, I gotta backtrack, do it chronologically or at least try to.

Portsmouth. I had about 6 hours there before my ferry was due to leave, so I tried to hunt down the bookstore I'd visited in my previous trip up here cause I'd promised the owner I'd call on them if I ever were to find myself in Portmoush again. Took me almost 2 hours to find the place cause I was wandering randomly around my first time, and I was quite lucky to even chance upon it a second time I think. I bought The Constant Gardener for 1 pound. By the time I left it was almost 7 probably.

11pm departure, so still lots of time to burn. Decided to watch Sherlock Holmes at the movie theatre. Stupid movie started playing half an hour after stipulated time, and it's over 2 hours long. Had to leave almost near the end, right before the final confrontation!!!!! And looked like a perfect loser tramping down the aisles (I was in the last row) with my bags in tow. Total burden haha.

Went to the pier, was told it was the wrong pier (I thought there would only be one!) and panicking greatly, hailed a taxi and rushed over to the right one. Managed to get myself on thankfully!! Met a French guy at the check-in which was such a fortuitous encounter! Boat trip uneventful except that it was much more comfortable than I'd expected.

Disembarked along with the Frenchman, okay his name is Matthieu, and we made our way to the city centre together. He tried to teach me some pigeon french I guess, but I was saturated alr from my 1-2 hour crash course the night before haha. Stepped into an Artisan Boulangerie, which he taught me how to pronounce, which probably prevented alot of humiliation thereafter.

Anyhow, the gist of it is we wandered around Le Havre for about an hour together, during which time he told me about this place called Rouen which I'd never heard of. So my next destination, which was supposed to have been Paris, was altered neatly to the little city of Rouen instead! Anyway, the whole point of this actually is that random encounters like that can have a major impact on you. In this case merely a daytrip, but possibly your whole life could be affected by random strokes of fortune like that.

Aforementioned Awesome Notebook.

So Rouen. I'd expected a fantastically nice quaint old city based on my friend Matthieu's descriptions, so when I got out of the station I was, to say the least, a little disappointed. After that I learnt an important fact, that the areas around a train station are not necessarily the nicest parts of town, but at that point I didn't know that!

Then I wandered around randomly and discovered that it was a really pretty, quiet little city/town afterall! Such joy. I was just striking out aimlessly when out of the blue I encountered the cathedral. Manz. First cathedral encounter of my adventure, I was not prepared for it! Pretty dumbstruck by its awesomeness haha. And then the overall style and architecture of the place, the numerous gardens and green spaces and fountains, it was a great start to my trip! Absolutely worth the 4-5 hours I'd spent there.

Also the french language. Yes I'd had a 2 hour crash course in it. But the biggest thing was confidence, which I did NOT have in spades. I did not dare to open my mouth at all, let alone try to communicate in french. I resorted to sign language mostly, and stared dumbly at everyone who was trying to speak to me, hoping to gain at least some sympathy, which wasn't exactly the brightest plan ever conceived. So yeah, I did feel pretty overwhelmed and pretty pathetic by the end of my little Rouen daytrip haha! I did manage to get my ticket to Paris though, which begins the next part of my narrative!

I have also decided to insert stuff from my Awesome Notebook in-between cities/segments of my story, just so that it won't be an absolute wall of text, even though I know I have an ugly penchant for that! I like to think that these things in my notebook were my own personal handwritten tumblr hehe. Which means that I tried very hardly to make them sound deep and meaningful and hipster so they probably turned out pretentious hahaha.


Title of a Matchbox 20 album, which inexplicably popped into my head as I was trying to think of tumblr worthy stuff hehe.

So Paris. I stepped out of Paris St Lazare station and I was pretty bowled over by the masses of people. The only phrase which can do justice to it is 人山人海. As soon as I emerged from the pits of the station, I heard the honking of cars, people milling about. There was a traffic jam infront of my eyes and at least a hundred people in the immediate vicinity. Coming from little Exeter, unknown Le Havre, and quiet Rouen, this came as quite a shock! So, a little stunned, I set about looking for my hostel.

I spent maybe 2 hours or more on foot hunting it down, because I thought myself too manly for the Metro. Pretty shag man, with the backpack and wet socks. I found myself with blisters on both feet by the end of my first day in France! Hahaha how retarted is that right?!

So yeah, 2 hours later I'd checked into what was the most amazing hostel I'd ever set my eyes, not to mention my foot, on. It was basically run like a hotel, except with dorms instead of hotel rooms. It worked like a charm. I couldn't have asked for a better start to my Europe hostelling experience! (The hostel I'd got in Portsmouth previously was just absolute tosh compared to this big fella.) The dorm beds had curtains around them. I'm telling you, privacy is pretty much a foregone thing when you're backpacking but here I actually had some!!! It was mindblasting.

So on the first night I was pretty worn out and all I did was go for a little jaunt by the canal behind my hostel. The most surreal sight of all was this giant metal sphere which reflected the lights around it, and it was just sitting there pretty out of the blue. It was a great introduction to the City of Light though, very romantic walk it could have been I reckon!

I was caught up in the exhilarating freedom of travelling all by myself.

Next morning I decided to go for a free tour of Paris! First tour I've been in my life, and it was fantastic. Almost 4 hours on foot around the main sights of Paris, even though we only got to see the Notre Dame from afar, the Eiffel Tower from afar etc, it was a great introduction to the city! At least I learnt something from it, some history and the culture and stuff, instead of just walking up to a structure, snap, take a picture, and moving on.

It's also a great way to meet people, cause you're walking together for 3 hours or so, you have no choice but to get to know a few people. I did meet this Singaporean couple as well, the guy just done with NS and the girl studying in London, but I didn't really wanna go all the way to Paris to hang out with Singaporeans haha. So I hung out with a few other people who decided to go for a pub crawl that night. Which meant I was in as well.

It's pretty incredible to think that I would find myself part of a pub crawl in the city of Paris. The first time I'd ever considered doing sth like that, it's crazy. We hit 4 different pubs before going to a nightclub on the Champs-Élysées. Srsly right?! Did I ever think that I would be going into pubs and nightclubs in Paris? A definite no. About the most foreign experience I could go through in a foreign land, very apt.

I was pretty out of it by the time we hit the club, then only thing I remember was bloody expensive drinks there. 14 euros for a jagerbomb wts. It killed me. I didn't know it was so expensive until after I'd ordered it so I had to pay. Damnit. Even until now I'm hurting from that expensive bloody jagerbomb hahaah. Can't believe I was so stupid!!

After that we left and decided to make our way to the Eiffel Tower, cause what better place is there to be at night? So we trooped off and arrived, only to realize it wasn't lit that late at night. Hahaha burdenz. It was about 3am thereabouts. But it still looked pretty impressive at night, looming all over us, even without being lit. So we spent some time there before heading back. Metro opened at 5.30am, it was just 3.30 or maybe even 4.

We started walking but it was a pretty tall order for us to walk back, maybe 1-2 hours or so. Couldn't find a 24hour place to hang out at and wait for the Metro to open, so we took a cab in the end. I was really smarting from the $$$$$$$ I spent already so I was really reluctant, but turned out to be pretty cheap! 10 euros split among the 3 of us, and this Australian girl paid upfront anyways. I never saw her again so I didn't return her the money. Hahahaha turned out to be cheaper than taking the Metro even! (Y)

I was reading this supremely crappy book which had sth about remembering stuff so I came up with this.

Next few days I bummed around Paris alone, hitting the Pantheon, Luxembourg Palace, the Eiffel Tower again in the day, Notre Dame (and going in too, because it was free) the Louvre, the Jewish part of town (Marais I think it was called) even cemeteries and stuff. So it was really strike out in one direction and see all I had to see there kinda stuff. Didn't even use my map much or at all. All of it was really awesome and stuff. The sheer proportions of the Louvre is just breathtaking, it's a work of art on itself, let alone all the art in it. The architecture was amazing, especially stuff like Notre Dame and all that. Really impressive stuff.

But they were all very touristy very typical stuff, so I shan't go into detail about the specific buildings etc. Except to say that the Christmas markets (Marche de Noel) sell really expensive hot chocolate and crepes etc haha. One amazing experience I had that deserves special mention is Sacre Couer.

It's the Basilique du Sacre Couer, or Sacred Heart, and it overlooks the whole city pretty much. That in itself is not amazing. There's an Artists' Square nearby with painters and sketchers etc and the rest of Montmartre, the Bohemian/Arty-Fartsy quarter of Paris which was pretty cool. That's still not sufficiently amazing.

It was the presence of this one black guy and his guitar on the steps of Sacre Couer that transformed the experience for me. He wasn't the best of singers really, but he was pretty funny. And he invited the audience to come up and sing as well. There was this one lady who was really good and she sang 3 or more songs. Then there were these 4 little girls (I don't even think they knew each other!) who came up to sing Aux Champs-Élysées in the most adorable fashion ever!! Meltzzz totally.

It was just finding myself in such a position, on the steps of Sacre Couer, overlooking the city at night, enjoying some light entertainment provided by a busker, on the eve of Christmas Eve. I was freezing my ass off cause it is after all pretty breezy atop a hill and I had no choice but to buy a hot chocolate from the Christmas market no matter how much of a rip-off that was, but even that hot chocolate tasted like the best I ever had. I just thought: It doesn't get much better than this does it? Of course it'd have been better if I had a girlfriend there with me but you know, that's life. You can't have it all! Hahahahaha. That's not true though. You can have it all, as long as you're willing to be flexible with your definition of "all". It's always up to us whether we want to be content or not. Okay I shan't digress, story for another time!

This was from someone who meant something special to me, and I'm glad to say I heeded her advice.

For Christmas Eve I'd decided to do the Versaille tour with the same tour company. It was well worth it, and Versaille is a ridiculous place. The opulence of it, the magnitude of everything there, the sheer amount of crazy money that must have been put into the place, it's truly ridiculous. Totally amazing place to visit. Learnt alot about Marie Antoinette, more King Louises etc.

I was with this Chinese girl studying law in Boston or Manhattan or something, somewhere New York-y is all I can rmb, a Korean girl studying English in London, and an Australian lawyer from Melbourne. Pretty insane, the odds of 3 of us being in the legal field, but that's how it was. They were pretty cool people (all a fair bit older than me as well) and I must have been pretty cool as well (hahahaha sry) cause we agreed to meet up later in the evening for dinner. Good plan.

Chinese girl didn't turn up, which was a shame. Anyhow the 3 of us headed to this super-packed restaurant for some proper French cuisine. The waiter serving us was hilariously stressed out because of the hordes of people in there, which was really entertaining to watch. We went for foie gras, escargot(s) (is there a plural for escargot?!?!?!) and a bottle of red wine cause you realllllly can't get any frencher than that. I had boeuf bourguignon as well which is super french as well! It turned out super good and surprisingly affordable as well, can't rmb but maybe 15-25 euros per pax?!?!?!?! That's ridiculously cheap when you're talking about dining in France, let alone the sorta haute cuisine we had. (Hehe I just can't resist describing my meal as haute cuisine.)

And then we left to find someplace else for dessert. It was not to be as easy as we'd thought it'd be. We left and headed toward the Champs-Élysées to find a suitable place. Scrutinizing menus for desserts (and prices) we simply couldn't find any. We might even have gone to Haagen Daaz had it not been such an awful thought: that of us spending Christmas Eve in France in a non-authentic Frenchy place. We just couldn't do it.

We finally found somewhere, and pretty happy with ourselves, we started ordering what we wanted. That is, trying to order what we wanted. As soon as the words "dessert" left our mouths the waiter underwent a transformation and said "NON. NON DESSERT. OUT." (or whatever the french equivalent of out is, my memory isn't all that perfect.) and whipped the menus out of our hands, leaving us sitting there, shocked! We were like, what just happened?! And we wore our coats and our scarves etc and walked out of the place, barely 3 minutes into going in. Pretty ridiculous right?! All the other diners there must have been wondering what in the world was going on.

You must understand it was almost 11pm at night, and there were empty spaces still in the restaurant, and there was just no way they were likely to get more customers anyway. And still we were chased out. Hahahaha. The french really take their food super seriously man. It was an insult to the fella that we even had the gall to try ordering just dessert (not trying to make a pun here,) I'm certain of it. How did we know we'd offend a french waiter by asking for dessert! Hahahaha it was pretty amazing. We were in disbelief even after we finally managed to find a place to have our desserts. I'm still a little in disbelief now. Christmas Eve and chased out of a restaurant. All because of an innocent desire for dessert!

I must admit. For this I really tried damn hard to think of cool-sounding phrases. I'd started out with the first bit which was alright, then I decided that wasn't enough. Spent ages thinking of the other 2 sets.

So Christmas! I was actually supposed to meet the Melbournite and the Korean girl on the Champs-Élysées and visit the Christmas market together, but I overslept. Whoops. Truth be told I didn't really want to spend all that much time with the same people on consecutive days. I mean I would have gone had I woken up in time, but the fact that I didn't did not cause me all that much grief.

It had always been my dream (well one of them, my life did not culminate at this moment) to spend at least one Christmas of my life all by my lonesome. Which I did. No better place to spend Christmas alone than in Paris. It was a dream come true really. It was also the day I started writing in my Awesome Notebook, which is chronologically befuddling I know, given that I'm already including all the pictures inside! Srsly though without these pictures this would be such an unbroken, way-too-long wall of text. I'm sorry. I'll try to include just the good stuff from now on!

I digress. I decided to walk down the River Seine, and that was a great idea. I discovered Ile de Cygnets or Swan Island or sth, home of little Liberty. Or the small version of the Statue of Liberty. I'm sure not all that many people know about its existence! It was pretty devoid of tourists as well. It was a great find. I also visited the Eiffel Tower at night cause it was my last night in Paris and I wanted to see it lit up at least once.

But the memorable thing about Christmas was not that. Given that I'd set out to spend it alone, it is interesting to note that the best part about my Christmas was the part where I was talking to someone. Wasn't even a girl. How about that? I stopped at a little cafe, one of the very few open where I found myself, a very quiet part of town, for a croissant and a cafe au lait. There was this guy sitting outside, who waved bonjour to me as I entered. Bought my stuff and went back out to enjoy my little meal and the guy asked me if I'd mind if he came and sat with me. (Sounds like the beginning of a gay romance here hahahaha.) And I said no, which I really didn't. I hadn't spoken to anyone all day so I was alright with it.

So we started chatting. He was a homeless man. He had all his belongings in one small bagpack. He slept under a bridge. He used to work for an airline before he contracted tuberculosis. No insurance, no severance from his company, and he found himself homeless pretty quickly. And had been for years. I know you're thinking: It's a hook! but it wasn't. I did not part with any money at all. In fact, he even bought me a coffee.

I even offered to pay, but he wouldn't have it. He just said no, no, it's nothing. Doesn't matter. I mean, tihnk about it right? There's me, clearly a tourist, clearly with the means to travel etc. Compared to him I am immensely rich. And here's this homeless guy buying me coffee on Christmas. I didn't really know what to say, so I didn't. We just continued chatting. He had pretty good english as well so that helped, and he was delighted whenever I managed to guess at what he was trying to tell me. He helped to translate stuff the lady running the cafe was saying too, which was pretty funny.

After almost an hour maybe, I decided to leave. I thanked him gratefully for the coffee and the chat, he said it was great to talk to me. I sincerely hope it was. I really hope that I managed to brighten his Christmas, I do. After I left I felt quite profoundly happy, because it's these human experiences that's really the whole point of life. Not taking a perfect picture of the Eiffel Tower, not setting eyes on Notre Dame. This is what I wrote in my notebook. First entry (after Happiness Not Real Unless Shared, the guy came to talk to me right after I'd written that.)

Joyeaux Noel! Merry Christmas. What a day. Maybe perfect in every way. I was out for contentment but I got happiness instead. Surprise.

Other people are lonely too, some not by choice.

One generous homeless man and one lonely cafe girl, 28, having issues with un-serious men. Lonely hearts club at Le Petit Mitrons (cafe name) on the River Seine!

A sudden rush of gratitude to the people who mean anything to me at all.

So that was Christmas. Morning after I packed my bag and left for Lyon! Some things that have to be said. First is that I absolutely loved Lyon. It's probably my favourite city off the entire trip, and that's saying alot. Nextly, they only have one hostel in the whole of Lyon. It was closed!!!!!!! From 20th December to sometime or another in January or sth, but the whole point of it is that it wasn't open when I was there!!!!! It was located up a hill. I spent at least 10-15mins climbing this steep damn hill and finally finding the Auberge de Jeunesse only to read the notice on the door that they were shut :'( I was pretty stunned man. And damn tired after climbing the hill.

Finally hiked my way down and set about looking for another hostel. (At the time I didn't know there was only one.) Stepped into a hotel to ask the receptionist for help. She was super nice about it, offering to help me search for other hostels, or 1/2 star hotels in the vicinity. I felt bad but she was like, Oh I have nothing else to do anyway, which was very sweet of her. Turned out there was none. Devastated but grateful, I thanked her and left, asking "Where's McDonald's?" You have to realize that I think of myself as slightly anti-establishment and I detest these mega chains like McD's or BK or KFC especially when I'm travelling. But free wifi quickly turns out to be a traveller's best friend. I was desperate for a Starbuck's or McDonald's, I kid you not. Second to free wifi is probably free toilets, a close second.

So off I trooped to McDonalds where I started doing my research. Which sucks when you've got an HTC Snap. It is such a shite phone. I bet if I had an iPhone I'd have been done in 3mins. I mean you've got apps for hostel/budget hotels. It's ridiculous. I took almost an hour I think. Ended up with 3 on my shortlist. I went to the first one and my choice was made for me. The french receptionist was so cute srsly. She was smiling and everything, which I know is exactly what receptionists are paid to do, but still. But it was still 50 euros a night. My god, 50?!?!?!?! I gaver her my sheepish look and said, er (you have to realize my heart was quite in my mouth) maybe I'll check out some of the other hotels first, then I might come back? She giggled and said alright. Okay. She probably didn't giggle. But I'm sure she smiled!!

Off I went and found the next one on my list. 49 euros a night. No cute receptionist. I said sorry, I think I'll find something else. What's one euro against a cute french girl?! Dust in the wind. (that's me getting all poetic. the effects of cute girls are not to be underestimated or trifled with.) I went back to first hotel and there she was! Thankfully they hadn't changed shifts yet!!! And then when she saw me coming through the doors she smiled (!!) and said hello. True story. Decision to stay there totally justified. So I got myself a room.

Roving showerhead. TV. 2 beds. Fresh towels. Who knew I would find myself here in a hotel in Lyon?! The bed seems to make my fatigue seep away, it's amazing. Cute receptionist keeps smiling at me too, it's untahanable.

Okay big italics portions like that are stuff from my Awesome Notebook. So after setting down my stuff I went out again, cause I only had one night in Lyon and I had to make the best of it. I went down and asked the receptionist (of course I was doing all I could to talk to her as much as I could! only natural right.) what there was to do at night. So off I went.

I was on the train and bored. It was really foggy and I could stare straight into the sun, I was well amazed at that. I decided to try my hand at drawing. Train tracks and trains look pretty silly without stuff around, so I added a hill and trees and a house, plus a cow for good measure. It's awful isn't it? Hahahaha.

So, into the night I went. I first went to the city area, and then slightly past it. There was this one road with cobbles and nice looking steps so I decided to go along. Turned into this hour long or more trip up this hill, which was nice. Then I wandered around lamely for a bit, decided to walk along the river. Went into this little park which was pretty scary at night, because the map I had told me that it'd provide a vantage point with good sights. This drunk/crazy guy was up there shouting and executing kungfu kicks at no one, before taking more swigs of beer. I was like okay, I'm outta here.

Then headed to the other side of the river where the old city really was and climbed up yet more hills. I spent at least 3 hours up there I reckon. It was amazing. The views I got from some spots were simply stunning. Very wow stuff. I really liked it there.

In the morning I woke up, trying to cram as much as I could into the few hours I had before the noon checkout. It was such a shame I had a time restriction though, as some of the shops there were just fantastic. I was in one for more than half an hour rifling through their olde schoole postcards of movies and stuff. It was like hipster heaven. And the old city itself was really nice, full of character, it was great. But I had to leave :'( No matter how awesome a place is, I'm not paying 50 euros a night manz. So I had to leave.

I bought all these from 2 different shops in Lyon. I can't tell you how proud I am of my purchases. I am ridiculously insanely happy with them!

Oh in the morning the receptionist on duty was a different one from the night before, which made me tear a little :'( Okay I didn't. But I couldn't really expect her to be working all hours of the day, so with a little sigh I accepted the truth, hard though it was. When I came back to check out though, there she was!!!!! I almost let out a little whoop. And she was all smiling and bonjour and all again. What's a boy to think?!?! Okay, that's probably in her job descrip, but let a boy dream will ya?

So, infinitely buoyed by that final glimpse of cute receptionist, off I went on my way to Marseille!

Pictorial representation of my train ride to Lyon. I thought it'd be cool to include the UK and le Havre and Rouen and all. Probably totally wrong geographically as well, I did not have a map of France and I was just guessing.

So Marseille. One of my first impressions of Marseille was that: This is a 2-person city. No real reason why I felt that way, it was just a thought that popped into my head inexplicably, and the thing is, it stuck. For the rest of my time in Marseille at the back of my mind was the thought that this would be so much more awesome with someone else. And I hadn't felt that before, not in Paris, romantic capital of the world, and not in Lyon (which is perfectly suited, I think, for lone travellers.)

I doubt I'm gonna be truly satisfied here cause I'm gonna keep thinking how much more awesome it'll be with someone else. Paris has enough to do to make you forget you're alone, despite it's reputation as lomantic capital of the world. Lyon was perfect for the lone traveller. Just enough intrigue and old-town feel. Not a big city like Marseille though. Sigh.

So it's funny I felt that here. Anyhow. The morning after I arrived (the first day I reach anywhere is usually dull and uneventful cause I usually just hunt for hostel and recuperate.) I was bowled over by the sun. Super sunny, I could even take my jacket off. (Which I am loathe to do cause I think my jacket looks fantastic hehe.) But I had to cause it was just so warm. It was insane. French winter. I'm not thinking soaring sun and 10+ degrees. So yeah, great sights and all, but wasn't all that eventful. I think it was good I had no expectations whatsoever though, cause I knew next to nothing about all the cities I visited.

It was a little bit of a dump really, as in it wasn't all that clean. Pretty dingy, some parts of town. Alot more dark and dank alleys as well, and I expect it isn't all that safe either. But strapping young man no care. It was still a great place though, I probably could have spent more time there had I wanted to, but I didn't cause I really wanted to spend New Year in Nice and I wasn't sure if there were gonna be trains on New Year's Eve and all.

At the hostel though, I met this Chinese mother-daugher pair. They were from Shanghai but the girl was studying in Cologne (maybe, Germany definitely) which was how the mom found herself in Europe for the Christmas holidays. The daugher had planned out everything about the holiday, next destination, train tickets, really everything. And I was well impressed. Maybe even inspired. I really doubt it's all that easy travelling with your mom. I'd probably find it quite trying. And this was a purely Chinese-Shanghai dialect-speaking mother, no english at all, let alone french or anything. Really impressed, I was.

Also, it was the first time in freaking ages I had to use Chinese. I had to try really hard but I think I pulled it off decently haha. At least I could hold a half-okay conversation with the mother without resorting to English at all! And even with the daughter, even though she could speak perfectly good english, I spoke Chinese and didn't shame myself too much!

The next night there were these 3 chinese girls in the room as well, 2 shanghainese and one from Guangdong, one studying in Belgium I think, while 2 were studying in Leicester. And this gayish Hong Kong boy hahaha. Quite ridiculous that I spoke Chinese for 2 straight nights while in France!! Another roommate was this Tunisian guy who was pretty passionate man, lecturing us on the merits of Tunisia, how and why it is such an awesome place to go. I suspect the Tunisian tourism board sent people abroad disguised as travellers to extol the merits of the place. Maybe it's a pretty low budget campaign, that's why he got sent to a hostel instead of a fancy swanky hotel.

Train ride to Marseille. Totally wrong by the way. Okay le sea was pretty much correct, but all in all this was pretty damn wrong a drawing as any map will tell you hahahaha.

Girl.

Oh yeah one encounter I had in Marseille was with this girl (you roll your eyes, I know. shoot me. it's always about girls!) I was walking along the coastline pretty much, then there was this sort of rocky beach, with a wall around it. So I stopped to remove my jacket and saw this girl sitting on the wall, so I decided, I might as well sit down too! So I did. And I was just wondering, what is this girl doing, sitting here alone? I mean, I wasn't gonna talk to her or anything, and I was sitting a fair bit away, but I was just wondering.

I've gotta say this is one of my favourite photos. Only my favouritest photos are gonna find their way into my blog! Anyhow, sure enough, this boy came along and they went down to the rocks together. Damn. So I wrote this:

Pretty lonely girls never stay lonely for long. Nor pretty.

Wisdom! What a pity. I thought I was gonna find romance on the Marseille coast! Well, no, clearly not with the way she was staring at her phone but anyway. Hope she doesn't think I'm a creep for taking photos of her! Haha.

I was quite pleased with myself for coming up with that first line haha. The nor pretty part is me trying to be all witty and wiseass.

And I have to say too, it's not easy taking a photo of someone. To have an actual subject for your photo, that's tough man. I definitely didn't want to let on that I was taking pictures of her, cause really, I wasn't. It wasn't her I wanted a photo of, it was a photo of a girl on a wall by the sea I wanted. Any girl. If you get what I mean. But yeah. I had to shuffle around pretending to take pictures of other stuff as well, before sneakily taking this. I had a few other shots as well but this is my favourite. Srsly sounds a little pervy but it really isn't!! Hahaha. Oh yeah I continued after that.

Bloody french girls! I think they were almost all born sexy, or it's the language. I think if you speak beautifully you think beautifully, and eventually that manifests in a beauty that's visible.

I am, you can probably tell, quite taken by the french language. I think it sounds beautiful. I would totally learn it if I had the chance. And the other bit I like to think is true. Because language affects your thoughts and your thoughts affect your language. I sometimes think without language we would be nothing, no different from any other animal on the planet. And if you try to use prettier words sometimes, you'll think nicer thoughts as well. I might be trying to justify my annoying habit of showing off my vocabulary here hahahaha. I'm sorry. I know that must be pretty irritating sometimes.

I am writing as the sun is setting over the Mediterranean. I never thought I'd see such a thing. This is a happy place. Of children and laughter and fun and games. Most amazing sunset I've seen in years probably. Amazing. And it's twilight. Bon nuit.

I'd been in a big seaside park/beach/playground. There were so many kids around and they all seemed really happy. Kicking soccer, flying kites, whatever. At that point I was just thinking how I wish I'd known to appreciate being a child while I was still one. But that's the whole point isn't it? That children don't know. That's what makes them so happy.

They don't think, Oh, this joy is merely transient. It is a fleeting happiness I am feeling. It won't last. They don't know. They don't know that they're supposed to behave any way so they're perfectly natural. They run around and fall down, but they don't know they're supposed to be embarrassed about that, so they're not. So they continue running around, and continue falling, not caring in the least. And why can't we revert to that? Why must we exert pressure on the people around us, project our expectations on them?

It was at this point that I was deciding where to go; when to go. Cause I honestly had no idea.

I had this timeline thing (at the corner of the picture there) where I'd put down where I'd possibly be on what dates. Even at this point in time (28th of December) I was considering going to Zurich, Interlock (or Interlaken,) Basel, then Geneva. Which totally didn't materialize, I may add. My whole point is that I had this very tentative skeletal plan then, which I probably could have pulled off, but didn't. Which says alot about how flexible I was being with my journey. I had this vague intention as well of spending the New Year in the Alps.

I decided to add all this stuff I could remember from song lyrics. "Where do we go now?" from Guns 'N Roses' Sweet Child O'Mine. "Home, home (where I wanted to go)" Coldplay, Clocks. "I don't know where we are going now." Stereophonics, Dakota. "Home is whenever I'm alone with you." Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes, Home. "Just because I'm lost doesn't mean I'm losing." adapted from Coldplay's Lost! Oh yeah I didn't mention I forgot to bring my mp3 along with me, which meant I had no music whatsoever to accompany me.

This resulted in all the doodling in my book, much of which I wouldn't have done had I brought my mp3 along. I think I'm never bringing it with me on my travels again. You just don't think when you're listening to music, or rather, not for long enough. Maybe some songs make you pensive and start thinking, then the next one comes along and you think okay, time to enjoy the music, and out the window goes thinking. You know what I mean? I wrote whenever I was bored which is how I managed to fill my entire book in a week (that's 60 pages, although half of this was dedicated to what I called my handwritten tumblr haha.)

I think the tumblr thing was a pretty good initiative as well actually, no matter how lame and pretentious it is. Cause I was forced to think. Otherwise I was gonna just input my random thoughts, and the proceedings of the day etc. I didn't just want a travel journal. I wanted thoughts. The kind of thoughts you have when you're alone, and you don't get much more alone than when you're travelling.

This is a slightly more accurate geographical representation I think, cause I happened to glance at a map while I was in Marseille hehe.

So Nice. It has to be said that at that point of time, I'd thought Marseille was pretty brilliant with its sunshine and its beaches etc, and had no idea what Nice had to offer except that it was touted as a beachy-y resort place too. And I thought that meant it was a summer getaway and would be rather frigid and boring in the winter. I was wrong.

I thought, and still do, that Nice was almost perfect. The weather, the sun, the beaches, everything really. I couldn't find any fault with it, not that I was looking very hard of course. But I think it's perfect for a winter holiday, if you're looking to escape the gloom and cold. It was cold as well, once the sun went down, but that's forgivable when you get to bask in its gloriousness for many many hours a day.

I spent almost 1-2 hours looking for the hostel cause my pride wouldn't allow me to take the tram when I could just as well walk instead. Hahaha. And didn't care to wait for the shuttle bus which would bring me up the hill to the hostel. So I walked. And got lost. Went up the wrong hill and asked a bus driver for directions. He said, er, I don't know. But don't worry, I've got this! And he whipped out his iPhone. Pretty demoralizing I think, when even your bus drivers don't know roads without resorting to Mr Ubiquitous iPhone. It's not helping my anti-iPhone crusade. Okay it's not anti-iPhone, it's anti-iPhone-dependency that I'm all for. Anyhow.

Reached the hostel and I was just bowled over by it. It was called Villa Saint-Exupery and they kid you not when they say "Villa". It occupied the premises of an old chapel I think, or at least that's what they called it. With a name like that, you'd think Le Petit Prince! or The Little Prince, that most beloved of books, and you'd be right. My keycard had a picture of the little prince. My bedtag had one. It was just so nice and pleasant to be there, surrounded by the creation of Antoine de Saint Exupéry. It's just an instantly happy place to be, you ken?

And one euro beers at happy hour. I'm no alcoholic but I was just compelled to drink at least one of those per night hahaha. When someone offers you sth like that it's an insult to pass it up. 50cl too. Cheapest beers of my life I think, and it wasn't half bad, their house beer! And it was 2 euros after happy hour so.. it was pretty ridiculously cheap man. That's like forcing alcoholism down your throats!

Borrowed from A Constant Gardener. Because it's true.

Anyway I know this is taking forever and I'm sorry, but it's as much for me as it is for anyone who'd bother to read all this rubbish. I don't want to forget everything. I want to read, next time, exactly what I thought was important enough to write down. Some things you don't want to forget but you do, and when you remember those things out of the blue, you can't help but feel a little regret that you allowed yourself to forget. So. Sorry anyhow.

Where was I now? Nice, right. Went on a free tour the morning after, just over an hour long, with 2 Australian girls and an Austrian lady. That's 3 Aussies right there. Lame. The 2 real aussies were a little snooty and didn't seem all that interested, so after the tour I hung out with the Austrian lady. She was... 40 something maybe? Husband, children, the works. Just down in Nice for the New Year. She was pretty nice, quite chill, and we spent a few hours sightseeing together. Even dipped our toes into the cold sea by the beach! Which I definitely wouldn't have done had I been alone.

We made plans to spend the next day, New Year's Eve that was, together but I was honestly kinda reluctant. I really didn't want to spend consecutive days with her, and I must add it had nothing to do with the her age! Clearly I would not have had such reservations had it been a PYT (refer: Michael Jackson) but you can't expect too much from me! It is a known fact that pretty girls make short work of resistance. Anyhow.

I felt awful about making that decision then decided that I was on holiday and so was she, and we needn't stress ourselves out over such matters. I did feel totally mean and very much like an asshole, and it is my belief that self-awareness sort of means that I'm not wholly irredeemable! I did reason that I was never gonna see her again so.. very cold and calculating of me!

I saw this Chinese girl as well (well, Chinese-looking, maybe Korean or wtv, oriental let's say) who was all alone. Massive DSLR around her neck and clearly a tourist. Pretty cute (that is to say not super cute, just pretty cute, and not pretty + cute either.) Although I'm not sure how much of that cuteness is attributed solely to her, or whether it was the whole independent-looking-DSLR-wielding-girl-alone vibe. Cause I'm well impressed by that haha. I kinda wish I'd spoken to her, cause she was asking someone to help take a picture of her and unfortunately there was another Chinese guy up there as well, so she didn't pick me hahaha. I should have spoken to her!

I was continuing my train of thought from the previous one.

Then late at night I spoke to this Argentinean fella who'd done an exchange in Singapore, and a Mexican girl, who invited me to spend the next day with them on a trip to Monaco. So I did.

As far as meaningful, productive days goes, this was definitely one of the lower-ranking ones of my trip. It's so different to travel in a group, rather than alone, or even in twos. Plus their default mode was Spanish, although they did accomodate me by speaking in English most of the time. So we went to Monaco. I don't like the place, to tell you the truth. It's just too rich. It just seemed pretty obscene. Big power boats and yatchs. Flashy cars. Expensive boutiques and stuff. It didn't feel very authentic at all.

Maybe it was cause I didn't get to roam about by myself as I always like to do, but I kinda doubt my impression would be very much different even if I had. Like everything was manicured to perfection. A bit too much for me I reckon, haha. I mean, it's probably a sort of paradise on earth in a way, but it wouldn't be mine.

So yeah. I didn't like the place, but that's not to say it wasn't nice, because it was. Just not my thing. Well worth a day-trip though, cause being so tiny you can do it all within just a few hours, the entire principality of Monaco. And to see glitz, if you don't think you've seen enough. I'm pretty sure I saw a very high-class escort as well, which I'd sort of been expecting. Perched on the arm of 1 x old man. I was thinking, hoo boy, that can't be cheap. I'm thinking thousands of euros. Not that I'm trying to objectify women or anything srsly, but that was without doubt an escort. Those legs, hoo boy.

The next carriage in the same train of thought as above. That's an empty bird cage down in the corner there btw.

I think it is worth noting at this point that I tried to draw. To make it more tumblr-like I expect hahaha. No. But it was probably the sort of why-not and no-harm-trying mentality that made me do it. I mean, after that cow I realized I was not gonna find great success in this world as an artist, but I thought that I could try enshrining some of my thoughts in drawings instead of words. And sometimes you think thoughts that have accompanying pictures in your head, and it just will not do to translate those into words, no matter how good of a wordsmith you think you are. You can't go too far wrong with an empty bird cage too I reckon.

So after we returned from Monaco, they told me that they were going for this party or that in the city, but I didn't feel like going. I'd decided already that I was gonna have a quiet New Year. I told myself that I was going to, for the first time in living memory (mine at least), wake up to the new year instead of stay up for it. I know it sounds like such a placid, lame thing to do, but when you think about it, actually it's a really radical thing to do!! Or at least that's what I told myself haha. All I want to be is a badboi srsly.

So that's what I did. I read a book and then slept through the fireworks and the celebrations and all the parties. Mmmhmm. Peace. The only other people in my dorm who did that were men in their 40s as well, which did make me feel a tad old, which is par for the course given that I was turning 20 right at that very moment. That's the old me! Or rather, the new, older me. Not the old, younger me. Oh bloody hell.

So that's how I spent my New Year/Birthday for those of you who're interested. In bed, tucked away under my blanket, reading myself to sleep, with not a soul for company. Exactly how I wanted it. I promised myself not to tell anyone that it was my birthday (under the influence of alcohol or whatnot) and I managed to keep that. I sang myself a very quiet Happy Birthday later in the day.

Okay I'm pretty bad with this uploading images and stuff, please forgive me haha.

Spent the New Year in Cannes and later Antibes. I felt like a superstar just walking down the streets of Cannes, thinking, so this is where all the movie stars etc gather every year! Self-worth x 1000 srsly. Don't laugh, I'm serious, I really did feel pretty awesome and cool strutting down those streets! What a loser hahaha.

I guess Cannes isn't all that different from Monaco. Haven for the super-rich, yatchs and all, but I liked it more than I did Monaco. Maybe it was just that I'd set out to have a super-chill day, to do absolutely nothing on my birthday. Whatever it was, I enjoyed myself immensely.

I decided to walk to Antibes, cause it was only 10mins away by train and I didn't really want to spend that extra few euros. It took me more than 2 hours to get there. Not cool at all. I had a massive detour once, minor ones a few times as well, and I was pretty deadbeat by the time I got to Antibes. It was a nice place though, pretty Christmas decor all over. I had dinner there at a Chinese place.

There was a girl there. I know you're probably rolling your eyes or sth and thinking what a loser/lamer/desperateburden but please hear me out! There was no romance involved whatsoever haha! But she did look like someone I know so I probably gave her a few more glances than I normally would, nor is considered proper, maybe. Hahaha. Anyway she caught me in of those glances and just stared back at me. Naturally, I stared back, cause I'm just smooth and dapper like that. After a while I broke eye-contact and just thought: Oops. Uh-oh. She must think I'm some kind of retard trying to giver her sexy-look! I was pretty mortified. Okay end of story.

That's the only thing I remember of Antibes, sry.

After which I caught a train back to Nice and got ready for my next day's trip to Grenoble!

I'm pretty sure this came from one of Morrissey's songs.

One of the things I miss most about travelling is the train rides. The feeling of hitting the road again. Whenever I was on a train, I just felt so happy, you know? I don't know what it was. Was it the being in transit, or something else, I don't know. That's why I had no qualms about choosing longer train rides if they were cheaper, cause I loved being on the trains. I wish I were on a train, heading into the unknown, no bed waiting for me, no one waiting for me. Maybe it was that. Being in motion. In flux. Or maybe it was being alone. Cause I was never as alone with my thoughts as when I was on a train. Not really much in the way of conversation. Probably in all my train rides I spoke less than 10 words in total.

Another thing is that I'd stopped writing by then. I'd used up all the pages in my notebook and I decided not to get another one. It took me one week. From Christmas Day 2011 to New Year's Day 2012 I'd managed to fill up almost 60 pages of that thing. I thought it was pretty fitting. Exactly one week's peek into my thoughts while travelling. Somehow after finishing it, I didn't find myself with loads of free time just sitting around on my hands, so I didn't feel like I had to get another notebook. Which is odd given that I must have spent quite some time writing in it during that one week. Anyways.

I woke up late for my train. The train was supposed to leave at 8:55 and I woke up at 8:30. I hadn't had breakfast, still had to take the shuttle down to the tram, still had to take the tram to the train station. It was impossible for me to make it in 25mins. So I decided oh well, let's have breakfast first. And over breakfast I decided I was gonna hop onto the next train illegally. I was gonna ninja my way onto the next outward bound train and hopefully get to the stopover in time for my subsequent trains. Very Fugitive. This all came crashing down when I arrived at the station. Because my train was still there.

I can't tell you how incredulous I was. I was like, no way man, this can't be real! But it was. I managed to catch my 8:55 train even though I arrived at the station at 9:30. It was unbelievable. I was thinking, someone is smiling down on me pretty hard right now! So I was initially pretty annoyed with myself for missing my alarm and waking up late and all, but it had magically transformed into a situation that worked out perfectly for me. Little miracles.

I'm not sure what I was thinking when I wrote this. It's adapted from LOTR and Aragorn's broken sword, whose name I forget! Damn, nerd fail!

So Grenoble. Truth be told, a little underwhelming when I first got there. I'd been told, heart of the French alps etc etc. And I was expecting, idk, a little town and snow and being halfway up a mountain or sth. Thank god though I wasn't. I'd have died. No one ever tells you this, but snow is cold. Hahahah. Okay such a no-brainer but srsly.

First night there had to check into a hotel. Horribad. 40 euro a pop. Almost wept. Didn't dare to find a hostel on that first night as I had absolutely no idea where it was and I couldn't find a McDonald's to see my friend free wifi. So yeah, by that first night I was pretty much in tatters, broke, on the verge of tears. Okay, it wasn't as dramatic as that. But I wasn't sure if I was gonna stay for long, given that I couldn't hemorrhage 40 euros a night. Boo to limited funding.

Next day, first thing on my agenda was find the tourist information and drag hostel whereabouts out of them. It was a Success. Next thing I knew, I was safe and snug in my brand new hostel, happy as can be, at just 21.60 a night. :))))))

Did a pretty lousy walk around the city, there isn't all that much to see. The city isn't really the point when you're in Grenoble. Went up the Bastille, an old fort/prison atop a hill and the sights were immense. You could see clearly the snow-capped peaks ringing Grenoble, NSEW ALL also mountains. It was unbelievable. So yeah. Happiness filling my tummy, joy spilling out of my ears, I decided that the next day I was gonna make a trip up a mountain.

I really can't rmb where I got the inspiration for this from. But it's true.

Villard de Lans. Very unassuming, obscure name. But I will remember it forevermore. 04/01/12 first snow ever experienced by emobadboi92. First snowball, check. First snowman, check. First uber great fear of frostbite, mega check. Honestly, I was deathly afraid I was gonna be frostbitten hahahaha. I was repeating to myself repeatedly oh please oh please don't let me see blue toes when I get back into the shower!!! I didn't. Thanks be to god....

It was such a quiet place. I hunted down a snowfield, no difficult feat given that they're generally pretty still and unmoving, and set about having my fun. Probably looked totally insane to a casual passerby, one idiot alone shovelling snow and building a snow man and throwing snowballs and nobody, but who cares! I didn't. I was beyond words. Then it started snowing as well, a very light snow. I was pretty delirious by then, and not cause of the cold. It was magnificent. Snowfields stretching on and on. There was no one else around. Snow in the air. And silence.

I think that's one of the things about the winter and the snow. It just all seemed so brittle. Like everything was too perfect to last for just a second longer. Like it was all poised to collapse any moment. The silence. No sound but the wind in my ears. I liked that.

I got cold pretty quickly. Okay I was always cold, because I was about as ill-equipped as it was possible to be in the snow. Leather jacket, leather shoes, jeans. Seriously not enough. But kneeling in the snow to build a snowman gets your jeans wet, and staying in any one spot for too long lets water seep into your leather shoes, if you were dumb enough to be wearing non-waterproof footwear. Not walking also kills your feet with the no-blood-circulation and I bet my toes hated me then.

So I returned to civilization. Found a quaint little street I hadn't expected and trooped down, looking for warmth and sustenance. And magnets. I found them. Went to a crepe shop for my lunch and lo and behold! there was a girl there. I'm not making this up. Really.

I'm pretty certain she kept giving me little glances... Okay maybe not. That was probably my ego looking for some reassurance after getting a hiding from my toes. Actually my feet in general were pretty pissed off. But anyhoo, she took my order and after the requisite amount of confusion, I'd managed to order my crepes at last. So I had a pretty nice meal, really cute as well, the meal I mean, I'm not quite as desperate as to talk about girls all the time. Okay maybe I am! Does a desperate person know he's desperate? Okay wtv.

The meal had a gummy bear as well as a bear's paw made out of icing, and just bear stuff everywhere. It was cool. Then after a while the waitress came up to me and asked where I was from. I said Singapore! and she said ohhhhhh. In all my travels I think I've met less than 5 people who've been to Singapore or even anywhere close. Pretty exotic specimens we are. And then she asked, how did you come to find yourself in Villard de Lans? I kinda doubt they've seen too many asians up there, a remote little village up the french alps like that! So I said, I don't know! I came up from Grenoble, someone told me about this place, that it was nice etc etc.

So she asked, how long will you be here? Unfortunately my reply had to be, oh, about an hour more, I've gotta catch the bus back pretty soon. There was a tinkling sound and I thought that was her heart breaking. Nah. It was the sound of my toes in their death throes. You might wonder why they tinkled but that's cause they were encased in ice, a very curious and uncomfortable, even painful, state for your toes to find themselves in. Okay I'm taking my toes story (hahaha totally wasn't meant to be a pun on toy story until I typo-ed that) a little too far. But yeah. I left.

But I'm just thinking, I might just be the only Chinese she sees in her life! Not likely, but that's not wholly implausible. I might be a unique event to her! How many times do you find yourself inadvertently and unwittingly featuring in someone else's life? Probably more times than you'd expect. We have an impact on people sometimes, whether we know it or not. And we should try as best we can to make that a positive impact. Because the nature of human relations and interactions is so fleeting, we might never have a chance to make that impact again.

I think that's my new year resolution. I don't actually have any. I made exactly zero this year. Not that I don't aspire to anything, I just didn't do any formal formulating and labelling as "New Year Resolution". Maybe cause I always break them anyways, haha. But here's this. To make the people around me happy. Cause life's too short to be unhappy really. And to be honest. Pretty random, I know. But it's important. To be honest to myself. Which isn't the same as always being honest to other people. I don't know how to explain this. But I'd say being honest to myself is more important than say.. telling the truth all the time. And if I can make people happy while being honest at the same time, then lagi good. So I shalt do that.

Haha okay major digress there, but end of story.

I was just thinking how I want to live my life. Not just amble through it or let it pass me by.

Next day I went to Chamrousse 1650. I think the numbers at the back refers to the height of the mountain, but I'm not sure. Cause I went to Chamrousse 1600/1700/1750 as well. It was awesome. I initially intended to go skiing, but didn't in the end. Not alone. And I didn't want to pay for an instructor, rental of all the gear etc. Plus I was so ill-equipped, travelling any faster than walking speed would have chilled my bones to their unhappy core. So I didn't. An excuse to re-visit the Alps perhaps.

I went on a walk instead. As stupidly dressed as I was, I struck out into the great bleak white landscape. 3 layers of shirts plus leather jacket, thermals plus jeans, not-thick-enough-socks and leather shoes, beanie, scarf, and specs. Thank god I brought my specs. Or not I'd have had to hunch over and stare at my toes all the while, so as not to let the snow blow into my eyes. It hurtses! (Think: Gollum in LOTR) So I wrapped myself up and set off! The only uncovered parts of myself were maybe a few centimetre squares around my cheeks which I was unable to wrap up with my scarf.

I spent more than an hour tramping around in the snow. I was totally freezing. All those shows you see kids playing in the snow and hurling snowballs at each other, you never see them shivering and vibrating from the cold. They are unnaturally stronk. I did have thoughts drifting around like, goodness, I could just freeze and get hypothermia and frostbite and die here and nobody would know!! Not to say that I was feeling depressed or anything! It was really uplifting actually. I think it's the knowledge that I was out there alone, battling the elements, and I knew I could do it. I was pretty scared at times, I will admit, but I survived! And I felt so good about myself haha.

Life is just so much better when you know your toes aren't gonna drop off and your breath isn't fogging up your glasses and you have a hot shower to look forward to. Mmmmmmhmmmmm. Perfection.

And that was the day I experienced fresh snow for realz. The previous day I thought I'd experienced fresh and soft snow. I was wrong. The snow I experienced on Chamrousse would shame that of Villard de Lans into tears and maybe even suicide if it were so inclined. It was magical. I was proper caught out in proper snow. Blustering and blistering snow. It was actually painful cause the wind was so strong! It was fantastic.

And such a surreal experience. To find myself knee-deep in snow, walking down random roads, no cars around, nobody around, coming across snowed-in cars, swiping fresh snow out of my scarf, throwing snowballs at road signs.. Unbeatable. Still pretty unbelievable even now, sitting here wrapped in my duvet tapping on my keyboard.

Life!

Hahaha I was watching a Liverpool match in Nice! Skysports rulez.

Yep. So that was my snow experience, all 2 days of it. I'm still living in the faint hope that it will snow where I am, but that's a hope that's slowly dying over time :'(

Next day I went to Geneva. The train ride from Grenoble to Geneva offers some spectacular views, lakes and mountains and whatnot, you couldn't ask for more. I went there with a slight of dread, having been attacked with many stories of how expensive the damn place was, in fact the whole of Switzerland. So it was with no little trepidation that I disembarked and set foot on the cold streets of Geneve. With a huge mega-lake right on its doorstep, Geneve is not the warmest place to be. It's an instant water cycle right there, that's why. It was the kind of cold that seeped into your clothes and your bones. Brrrrr!

But it was beautiful. I definitely don't regret spending my short 24 hours there, even though I did get scammed by the hostel. It was 32 swiss francs, about 25 euros maybe, but I paid by card and the charged me 32 euros. What the dickens! Oh wellz.

It was a really nice place, I spent many happy hours roaming around town, and the edges of the lake. Pity I couldn't spend more time in Suisse! I would have loved to go to Interlaken etc, damn. But if you manage your pursestrings wisely, I don't see how Switzerland is THAT expensive. I withdrew 20 swiss francs from the ATM and had 9 swiss francs to start with, courtesy of a Canadian man I'd met on the morning before I left Grenoble.

And what a weird fella. He was telling me how he loaned money to the owner of the Cirque du Soleil and helped to start it up etc, and I had absolutely no fricken idea whether to believe him or not! And telling me these wild tales about meeting this sexy Russian journalist in Paris and all. I'm pretty sure he was trolling me.. but I'm not 100% sure! Well I did exchange 5 euros of mine with 9 francs off him, a good trade by any standards, so I shalt give him the benefit of the doubt!

So I had a mere 29 francs in hand and managed to survive 24 hours in Geneve, which should serve as a shining beacon of hope to all penniless desperadoes out there! Nothing really of note happened in Geneve though, so you are spared yet another long passage on girlz and girlz and girlz. I do apologize hehe.

They were playing The xx in the bar at the Nice hostel. If I'd known a Joy, I'd have wept with her.

So that's really about it for my trip. It does seem a little anti-climactic to end off right here, so obviously I won't. I'm a fan of the sweet start, explosive storyline, and finally the brilliant ending. So maybe I shall try and encapsulate (this is a word I was taught in secondary school's oral examination. "This picture encapsulates the emotions and feelings of students in a canteen during recess." Must have worked, got me my A1 in English hahah!) the lessons I'd learnt on this trip. Because travelling is nothing if not about finding one's self. About throwing yourself into the unknown and seeing what the unknown has to throw back at you. To leave as one person and to return as another.

To have your horizons broadened and your perceptions immeasurably changed, to have your preconceptions and misconceptions thrown out the window which with luck will be situated next to a very high, steep cliff. To experience life like you've never experienced it before. I don't know what it is to you, but that's what travelling is to me. It's a challenge. (Okay it doesn't always have to be a challenge, there's always room for leisure holidays and the like, although those are holidays, not travelling.) I hadn't thought about it before but yeah, I guess there's a difference between a holiday and travelling. Cool.

And travelling's the real deal. Not the cushy however-many-starred hotels and spas and deckchairs on a beach. It's life. You go places, you meet people, you live. And a part of life is that you change. And it does that too. Travelling changes you. Meeting the diaspora (okay not the exactest meaning of the word but it looks cool don't it) of the world. I've met people of more nationalities in those 19 days than I have the rest of my life. I'm not even exagerrating here. And that's really interesting.

It's an empowering experience too. I'm never as confident then when I've got my backpacks on and making my way to my next destination. There's just something about knowing you've got all you need to survive, at least for the next few weeks, on you right at that moment. And knowing that you can do anything you want, you can make any decision there and then, and it would be just a matter of going, hell's bells let's just do it! And off you go. You know that the Diem has been Carped, or that you have Carped the Diem or whatever the damn! Your life is yours then, to manage.

To know you're doing something that most people could not imagine doing (backpacking in a foreign country, where they speak a foreign tongue, all by yourself) imbues you with a sort of courage. It's pretty funny. You do something people think takes courage to do, and that in itself gives you the courage you need to carry on.

I can't properly describe how good I feel about myself when I'm travelling haha. It's like I can take on the world. I feel different, I feel cool. Haha. I only say this cause when I came back here I found myself just another student amongst a sea of students, and I did feel curiously, slightly, underwhelming. As compared to the heady days of my travels haha.

A whole playlist worth of The xx, the bar's iPod had. I felt inspired.

A lifetime ago. The Deyan back then wouldn't have recognized the Deyan today. Not the hair. Not the leather jacket. Not the surroundings. Not the strut.

Okay maybe the strut. But so much more substance beneath the strut than I had before. I was nothing, but I thought I was something. And acted like I was.

I'm way more capable than I was just a few months back. Not that I'm amazing now, but that I was such a shite back then. Pretty worthless fellow hahaha. But I thought I was cool. Maybe for the first time in my life I am self-aware. I've still got a long way to go, I know. I'm nowhere near as responsible as I should be, nor as capable as I hope to be. I'm still not nearly mature enough yet, don't let my age fool you! Hahaha.

And that's the thing. At every other stage of my life I have thought myself to be pretty mature. And then barely a few months later I discover that actually, no. I was pretty grossly childish! And then I think with that newfound knowledge, now I am so mature! Which inevitably is a bubble that gets popped. I pretended to know of my shortcomings and defended them, in my mind, told myself that it was alright. But it's not.

Okay here's wholesale from my notebook.

I feel alot more mature and capable than I did just a while ago. A lot more confident, maybe even self-possessed. Perhaps the best thing about backpacking, the self-empowerment. Just me, out in the world on my own. I had to know I can do it. And I can.

And I'm so much more aware if who I am. I think I know now I'm not a writer. I'm an idea, nice turn of phrase, maybe even short story kind of guy, but no noveil in me. I deliver an intro, embellish it, and then bang: punchline. And I move on.

I can't think past 10, 20 paragraphs and I don't really wish to. So that leaves me a little stuck then. I like to write but have no chance of becoming a writer.

Maybe that's typically useless of me. Not enough talent or not enough will. And without that will I can never find out the extent of my talent. A misnomer. Ability might be the better word. So it was with badminton, soccer, rugby, writing, studies.

I go as far as natural ability takes me and that's where I stop. No desire to improve after that. Or maybe there's desire but that's arrested by my laziness. But I guess that's that. that's just how and who I am.

It's not so easy to admit that I'm not a writer hahaha. I always harbour this wistful hope that one day that could turn out to be a viable career! Clearly not though sighz.

I was gripped by this urge not to let myself waste my life, to appreciate the beauty in the things around us.

I recognize how very immature I've been in the past. Ever since the age of 14/15 I've thought: I'm pretty damn mature! Which might have been true at that age but clearly wasn't, not against any objective scale.

Now I realize I still have a ways to go yet, even though I'm inching my way across. I must have been quite insufferable though, always so full of myself, and yet so awkward and out of place all the time.

Maybe that's the adolescent's curse. The awkwardness, the constant sense of displacement. As I'm approaching my 20s though (what in the world srsly.) I feel so much more comfortable with myself.

I don't feel like I have to conform (too much) anymore, like I've somewhat gotten free of all the social pressures of our teenage years.

Sure, I still wanna be "handsome" and "cool" and all, but not as desperately as the younger me did. Funny. It must have started at about.. Sec 2? Sec 3? I mean I only had my uniform to wear so.. pretty hard to dress up much!

It is pretty funny. I think before sec 2 I had no clue what in the world was going on, I didn't know I was supposed to have cool spiky hair, I was supposed to wear cool Billabong/Quicksilver boardshorts, No Fear T-shirts or wtv. I must have looked so horrible everyday with that mushroom hair, tucked out muddy post-soccer school uniform or sth, and yet I didn't care.

Then came puberty, that sucker, and awkwardness, and girls, and people laughing at my hair (okay they probably didn't.) and Levi's and Converse sneakers, and no more set-clothes. You know, those red-top-red-bottom kinda things. The uni-coloured sets of clothes hahaha. That would have been totally uncool. Okay still would be. I couldn't picture myself in one of those now!

And the arms and legs that look out of place no matter what cool position you think you're putting them in, and the unhappy knowledge that despite puberty, you're not very tall at all... Hahahahaha. The pains of a growing boy!

So here I find myself now, hopefully well clear of that god-awful mess that is the pubescent teenage boy!

Aha very apt placement. It is my belief that that's the whole point of youth. To do sufficiently stupid things sufficiently, so that you can look back and reminisce and not feel the need to do anymore stupid things for the rest of your life. Cause there must be a quota to fill, for one's life to be considered fulfilling. 142 stupid things done in your life? Well done you! Now you can rest in peace!

When people drift apart it's really extreme isn't it? I'd like to recapture some of that misspent youth.

We should pretend we're 16 again. Night cycling. Pool. Chalets. Barbeques. Street soccer. I even want to play ping pong again! Badminton. Squash. Whatever.

That's another thing about travelling. All that free time to remember, and reminisce. I recalled things that had been consigned to the depths of my memory, and I am glad I did.Whole chunks of your life could go forgotten just like that if you're not careful.

Watching football at a friend's house, cheering on Liverpool against all odds. Happily chatting with a mega-cute girl on MSN. Who even uses MSN anymore sigh. So many happy conversations though haha. Shame about all the lost chatlogs, although perhaps a good thing too. Bittersweet is still bitter afterall, no?

You're cast adrift, perfectly, desperately alone. So you think about the ties that bind. Or those that used to, but no longer do. I missed home. I was enjoying myself immensely, having massive amounts of fun and new experiences, but I missed home. I wanted to just spend a whole evening lepaking. Spend one morning playing touch. Getting friends together to play badminton. Anything.

I hadn't felt this when I was backpacking in Malaysia, but then again I hadn't spent 4 months away from home then.

Part of the series on youth etc. Also from The Cure's masterpiece of a lovesong.

Some random points now. One is a reiteration of the line from 1Q84, I think. Something along the lines of "You have to spend enough time alone to discover how much you don't want to." And I'm still happy being alone, no worries about that, but it's changing. I'm slowly swinging over to the I-don't-want-to-be-alone side, if my experiences in Marseille and beyond are anything to go by. I'm slowly tiring.

I remember once, in frustration, maybe desperation, I told someone that I was so, so tired of being alone. You might say I broke character there hahah. But that's what I thought at the time. Now of course I realize I'm stronger than that, that I was being a silly boy back then, but I think the day is approaching when I'll find myself in such seeming desperation again. But not yet. No.

Next and probably last point is with regards to my purchases in Marseille in that fantastic shop. I spent quite a fair bit of money there, and I did feel the pinch after that. But if you don't spend $ on human kindness, what then do you spend on? Things, objects? You possess them but they're not important. It's the human relations that you can't possess which are the most important. Or they should be.

I would not have spent all that money if the lady in the shop hadn't spoken to me, if we hadn't chatted for 40mins. And saving money, budgeting, that's not the point of travelling. Nor life. I mean, of course I'd like to have spent less money, but so what? Did I enjoy myself? Yes. Do I regret any of that money spent at all? No. And that's that.

Yep. Okay truth be told I have nothing much else to add, or everything has just slipped out of my mind. I may conclude that my first foray into European soils was a success, and if a precursor of things to come, spells out very very fun times for me indeed! Hehehehe. I'm slowly but surely filling up my world map with yet more pins now!

I'll just put up the rest of my tumblr (that's what I've taken to calling it now, mock me all you want.) now, and maybe a few of my favourite photos too!


I was reading a book called Super Sad True Love Story and one of the chapter titles was Do Not Go Gentle.

They played Two Door Cinema Club as well in the bar (still in Nice this was, you understand why it's my favourite hostel 4eva.) I'll explain about the drawing. I attempted a drawing of a heart in an ice cube, but I failed. How do you depict melting ice?!?! I tried to draw a puddle of water but it was pretty disgusting. I transformed it into a shadow of the heart, and so had to add in the table lamp as well. All in all I think I managed to salvage a total disaster haha.

Another TDCC song. But I thought it looked pretty lame and abit whiny on it's own, "I CAN'T TELL JUST WHAT YOU WANT!!! HMPH!!" And then they played TNAF and I heard the line, You'll fall back in love eventually, so I decided to work with that.

The Killers has this line, "How do you know that you're right, if you're not nervous anymore." and coupled with memories from a lifetime ago of a conversation involving butterflies, I came up with this. Pretty fail first butterfly there, but practice makes, if not perfect, then at least better. And my bio knowledged failed as well. I couldn't rmb what the digestive tract looked like after the stomach, duodenum, etc etc haha. Or how the large intestine was supposed to coil around or wtv.

The rest are pretty much in chronological order, but not this. This was actually my first attempts at drawing, before even the bird cage one I think. In case you have no idea what I was drawing, here goes. On the left is a man building a wall around his heart. On the right is a heart being put into a cage. The shadow was put there to hide an ugly stroke of my pen hahaha. I put so many lame extra things just to hide all the screw-ups I make don't I? No choice la, my art is pretty fail!

On to my favourite photos! Super long post, I know, but too bad for you! I don't feel like splitting up this post that's why haha. It's taking me forever to finish this post too, if that gives you any comfort!

Rouen Cathedral, a fantastic building.

On the Champs-Élysées.

The Louvre.

Signature tree-in-picture-shot.

Marseille.

This is one of my favourite photos of all.

I had to capture a picture of people kissing on the promenade at sunset, it's so romantic.

Don't ask me why I love this shadow so much, I don't know.

The colours here work for me

I managed to find a smile shaped twig. That's an achievement worth putting up on my blog!

The one photo I have that shows the snow streaking down. I took this photo for that sole purpose.

This was pretty magical, the ray of sunshine bursting through like that.

One of my favourite statues of all. Very coy.

The colours and the lady in the picture make it quite perfect, I think. I did wait for her to walk ahead of me before taking this, that's how sneaky I was, and how determined I was to have a woman walking down the street in my photo!

I doubt any other tourist took a photo of this fantastic looking light haha, so inconspicuous was it on the wall just like that.

SO ALRIGHT, HERE IT IS AT LONG LONG LONG LONG LAST! Hope you enjoyed reading this ridiculously overlong post really, but in my defence I shalt repeat again that it's really for mine own benefit, this! You can't spend a thousand euros and not try your darnedest to retain your memories of your trip haha!

I'm truly glad had a bon voyage, and I would not trade the experiences I have had for the world. And I highly encourage anyone reading (if you've managed, miraculously, to survive this far) this to seriously consider travelling somewhere sometime soon! Alone or not, that's really your preference, although I'm an Alone-Advocate myself, it doesn't really matter. Go with a friend, a group of friends whatever. The important thing is to go. You won't regret it! Unless you get mugged, get your passport stolen, get sold into sex-slavery, or something, then you probably will feel a wee bit rueful of the day you set eyes on this impassioned plea to start travelling. Otherwise.. No Fear! No Regrets!

And thereafter probably No Money! the way I'm weeping now, but who cares. You only live once. You're only young once. Don't be so caught up with growing up that you forget to live! Alright! A young person's anthem! Whatever!

Yep. That's it. Salut!

There Are No Ends, Only Beginnings.

2011-12-19T09:36:00.001+08:00

What a pretentious title, I know, but I can't think of anything else haha. Anyhow I decided I have to blog because this is gonna be my last post of the year. Since I'm going on HOLIDAY! tomorrow mmhmmm.

I guess it doesn't really feel like the end of the year yet, maybe that's a feeling you only get after Christmas is over, but anyhoo, here's me forced into making my year-end post without feeling like it is the end.

It's been an insane year, it has. Only going to get insane-r in the next 2 weeks, with Paris and Lyon and Marseille etc. beckoning. But what a year. Exactly a year ago I was in totally different circumstances from the one I find myself in now. Still in OCS, still waking up at 0525H every morning, still lost and confused over what to study in uni.

This past year I went through MSTD and was at one of the lowest ebbs in my life probably, that and the confinement that followed. I served out 24 (plus minus) confinements and a few days of RCP from April to June, going home only 3/4 times all this while. I considered giving up and OOC. I almost did, I think.

It's almost ridiculous to think that just 5 months ago we were commissioned, after 12 long months of MIDS. It's been such a long 5 months. Australia first and now the UK. The 3 months (less, even) that I've spent here have felt much longer. I'm doing things I had no idea how to (or just plain wouldn't) do a mere 3 months ago.

I've gotten used to living alone and I'm going to spend Christmas and New Year alone as well. During my confinements I learnt how precious my friends were to me when I couldn't step out of camp. I also learnt that I could survive that without going mad (or maybe I did HAHA) and emerged cherishing and savouring the times I had with friends and family. Cause you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

I've learnt how disgustingly lazy I can get when I'm under no supervision whatsoever. And that it's actually really easy to make changes to your life if you want to. I became aware of how much of an asshole I used to be and that I am more capable of being one than I liked to think myself. I tried to make amends as well, and I hope that wasn't all bad.

I thought that maybe I could fall in love again. I still think so.

I started writing again, after almost a year's hiatus. I even tried my hand at poetry hahah! I stopped my hand at poetry. I completed a few of the stories I'd had in my head for years, like the love left dry one, and the nightmare one, and the removal of hearts one. I was and am still quite happy about the results. I don't know what other people think of it but I think I've come to realize that the important thing is the writing of the stories, not their reception. I think I might still continue to write, although I just as well might not.

I think I became a whole lot more responsible, especially with family affairs. Among my more triumphant memories is that of me convincing mom and dad to agree to let my sister head over to Melbourne for her final sem, and convincing my sister to forget about any financial issues and to just go.

Looking at where I am now, I have almost nothing to complain about. I am exactly where I want to be and it is pretty amazing. If I were to have imagined, at the start of the year, where I would be and what I would be doing, I wouldn't have been able to envision this. The circumstance I find myself in now is quite frankly, unbelievable. Sometimes I just stop and think: Wow, this is pretty much perfect isn't it? It is.

So this has been a good year, an incredible year. I have some lingering regrets about some of its elements, no doubt about that, but what's past is past really. Some missed opportunities you desperately rue, but we have to get over them and construct yet more chances, even if it's only to be disappointed once again. Still we try.

And that's the spirit I hope to bring into the new year, that of hope. Hopefully the year approaching carries with it the rich vein of form that this year has displayed, and it will be awesome.

That's the EOY post then. I'll probably be out of contact till the 7th of January, during which I'll be enjoying myself massively, spending Christmas in Paris and perhaps a Nice New Year (that's a pun) or the Alps maybe. So please go ahead and have happy christmasses and merry new years without worrying about me in my solitude hahaha.

And have a nice time reflecting on your year as well, because that to me is one of the most important things to do. So you remember what you didn't want to forget. So you remember what you wanted to forget, and maybe realize that it's not worth forgetting. Or that it's worth too much to forget.

Yep. I'll see ya'll then. To the promise of 2012, cheers.

Let Us Be Silhouettes.

2011-12-18T23:54:00.003+08:00

My body is in crisis mode. I try my hardest and finally succeed at sleeping while the sun is down (quite a large range considering it's winter...) and slept at 4. I woke up at 6. My body thinks I'm taking a nap when I'm really trying to get a good night's sleep and wake up to sunlight. Bloody hell. Instead I'm take a nap at 12pm and wake up at 6, when the sun's down. Wut.

Must be in protest to my hair. I know I've been going on and on and on and on about it but as of yesterday, my hair bears close resemblance to Spock. Yes, the Star Trek dude. Damn. I'm gonna have to perma-beanie soon I think!

Anyway the same sleep-nonsense happened to me last night when I woke up at around 4am. After bumming around on the internet/warcraft3 I decided I'd try to catch the sunrise. Unfortunately though, I had that thought at around 7:40 and sunrise was at 7:50, and I still had to bathe/change/etc. No loss though, cause it was raining and the sun didn't peek through the clouds till almost 9 probably. I say rain, but halfway during my walk it actually hailed. Whattttttttttttttt! I was so excited to feel and feel the ice pattering all about hehe. I think I shall embark on a quest soon to seek out the nicest sunrise here, which my destroyed sleep pattern would actually aid in, just about the only thing it's good for.

I'm actually feeling rather sleepy now sigh. at 10:51am. What is this!!! I think it's something about the lack of drive after completing my essay actually, the knowledge that I can do anything anytime, so I don't do anything and waste all that precious time bah. I'm halfway through Lord of the Flies now but I'm not in a reading mood. I did watch I am Number Four last night with my housemates, and it was not as bad as I thought it'd be! Super corny lines, sure, but it wasn't a bad show. And all those totally unnecessary shots of his abs, srsly?! Hahahaha, like the whole hoo-ha about the A&F chaps back home.

Don't know why home seems so hapz once I'm gone, MRT problem and male models and all tsk. I kind of wish I were home now, especially when I see all the people who have gone home on facebook haha. But.. first christmas totally alone I guess. And new year. It's weird, really. I've felt lonely and I've wanted to be alone on christmas before, but proper all-by-myself-alone?! Man, this is gonna be such a different experience!

I feel the onset of a fever maybe. Body aches and stuff. And a very sore throat. I'm leaving tmr afternoon so plz don't do this to me mine own body! Methinks the body doth protest too much (in revolting against my hair. please. why get so personal? hair isn't even alive come on.) Alternatively, it's the hail. Walking around with ice falling through the air seems very cool and all, but it might just get you sick, boys and girls. Bah I feel so shitty now, can't muster the energy for movie/reading/anything thisuckz. And I can't sleep in case I knock myself out for 8 hours or so and wake up at night again. That would be beyond awful. Life!

Heh I'm just thinking of the patron saint of lost causes for some reason. If you think to invoke this saint, wouldn't that mean that at some level you don't fully believe it's a lost cause at all? I guess sometimes you do something that seems so hopeless and laughable, and all you can do then is to cast about wildly for hope haha. Somehow though, I can't help but try, even though I know the likely outcome sigh.

Okay panadol helped. But I think I shall take a nap now and wake up for dinner in a few hours :D Seriously gotta fix my system though haha. CYA.

PigsGoMoo.

2011-12-17T08:40:00.000+08:00

Pigs go moo? Only in worlds fictitious. Worlds that never were, and never will be. Worlds that exist only in our minds. And that's what this will all be about, fiction. Flights of fancy so far out, the realm they call reality is left behind, dwindling and shrinking till it is barely a speck on a horizon so vast. I do it injustice, it is not merely vast but infinite. An infinity of unexplored space for us to wander through and stumble upon, for our imagination knows no bounds.

Fiction is powerful. It can be joyous, melancholic, frightening, soothing or any number of adjectives you'd care to apply. It arrests our conscious minds and pervades our unconscious (our dreams.) It lifts you out of your everyday humdrum and transports you to fantastical (and quite fantastic) realms. It is escapism, yes. To be able to attach yourself to a character and experience his highs, or even his lows, which have nothing at all to do with your own life and whatever situations you are caught up in. For a page or two, an hour or a day, the problems you face mean nothing. All that matters is the hero slaying the dragon, solving the crime, romancing his lover.

Everyone remembers the fictional characters from their childhood. There are so many. Your fairy tales, Cinderella and Snow White and more. Dorothy and Toto and the Wizard of Oz. The Secret Seven and Famous Five, also the Wishing Chair or something. The Bookworm Club with Ah Seng and Kuku, Mimi and Edison. Harry Potter and Dumbledore, Frodo Baggins and Gandalf Greyham. Alice and the Mad Hatter, Aslan the Lion and his frosty nemesis the White Witch. And more contemporary we have our favourite EDWARD CULLEN immortalized on the silver screen by our favourite handsumman ROBERT PATTINSON!!!!!!!! (Oh wait he's already immortal, sparkly vampire that he is.)

There are so many more examples to draw on, I've only just barely skimmed the childhood ones. These characters are so memorable, despite being nothing more than ink on paper. You remember them more clearly and know them better than that primary 5 classmate whom you'd spent at least a year with.

I started reading at a tender young age, impressionable young child that I was. Enid Blyton and Roald Dahl of course, the most beloved of authors to kids everywhere. Asterix and Obelix, Tintin soon followed. Animorphs, that was truly awesome. No Hardy Boys for me though, my little mind then perceived it as a series that was trying too hard to act cool, for all those pseudo-cool boys out there. I remember this girly (euphemism for YUCKS!! when you're a young boy) series Sweet Valley (probably) although I hasten to add I was a manly boy and never read anything so effeminate. I do remember my sister reading it so it was probably quite prevalent while we were young.

At maybe primary 5/6 I started reading thrillers and those war books so appealing to a young boy with grand notions of being a hero with the shiny sword or the sniper who never misses or the lightsaber legend. You know. Tom Clancey, Stephen Coonts are some of the authors I remember reading. Not exactly comprehending, though. Even worse was attempting Dreamcatcher at P6. I tried again at Sec 2 and still didn't really get it. And also Mario Puzo's Godfather. My dad saw me reading it and promptly returned it while I was in school, then telling me that I was way too young to be reading something like that. All that sex and violence! Of course, LOTR + The Hobbit and Harry Potter also surfaced sometime then thanks to the movies. One of the best presents I've received in my life has been all three LOTR books and The Hobbit shortly after I expressed an interest in The Fellowship Of The Ring. Awesome.

After that, much older and wiser (I was in secondary school after all!) stuff like Dan Brown's thinking thrillers came in. Satire too, Ben Elton and Terry Pratchett. I can't recall what else though. I should mention a healthy interest in fantasy (to a lesser extent sci-fi) since childhood. What was cooler than imagining myself Padawan to a Jedi Master in the mould of the great Qui-Gonn Jin? I read quite alot of fantasy series, some of which unfortunately have been forgotten.

And now I'm quite into a vein of books I'm not sure how to classify. They're not exactly literature (what they're filed under in bookstores.) Or maybe that's just me cause I classify stuff like Edgar Allen Poe and Shakespeare under literature. Literary fiction maybe? I think of them as books about life. These are usually very insightful and more often than not, very brilliant, at least those I've read. Insightful with regards to humanity, our failings and sometimes even our merits, our capacity for good. Khaled Hosseini, Milan Kundera, Cormac McCarthy, Jonathan Safran Foer are those I can clearly recall. They have written some of the best books I have had the fortune to read so you should probably read them someday too. If you're half as moved and impacted as I was it'd still be awesome.

I'm hoping having a separate blog here will give me the motivation to write some of the stories I want to write (and there are alot of them.) I also wanted to have a place where I can read through the stories I've come up with cause it's really cumbersome to trawl through all my other posts. Dunno if I should copy some of my thoughts after writing those stories too though, as I feel some of them are actually quite important. Then again stories should be able to speak for themselves, so if it doesn't then it's a lousy story anyway.

Originally I had no idea whether or not I wanted to go about telling people about this. It's human nature to want to be noticed right? If I write a story I want it to be read. For a story to be liked is not always necessary, sometimes the important thing is that it was even written at all.

I've got nothing much to add I guess.

In case anyone was wondering though, PigsGoMoo was originally my Viwawa account (mahjong + bridge + dai di yeah!) that I created in sec 4 while feeling particularly eccentric. More accurately (and honestly) put, I was probably trying to act cute. I have to assert that I no longer play Viwawa so do not flame me for being lame.

____________________________________

I had this none-too-bright idea almost exactly a year ago now to start a separate blog where I'd post my stories and talk about bookz and nothing but bookz. I think I was in the middle of a massive brain-drain and I thought that with a dedicated blog to fiction I'd write more. Hahaha clearly didn't work out! This was the only post I had apart from some thoughts on Milan Kundera's The Joke, mega-fail obviouslyz.

It's actually fun to look back at the stupid ideas you've had in the past. I remember digging out this primary school exercise book where we did very important primary school exercises i.e. listing out your future Wife/Job/House or sth. Hahahahahaha! I think mine was... Emily/Astronaut/Mansion or something. Hahahaah unbelievable. Actually no, I think Emily was my brother's crush, not mine, so.... I can't remember who mine was actually. I can't believe I actually did this with my brother though, I'd never have thought he and I would so freely share the names of the objects of our affections!

But yeah, it was always gonna be Mansions/Bungalows. I think we were a bit too old for Castles/Palaces and not old enough for Fortresses. And Lawyers/Doctors/Astronauts (if we were feeling fanciful.) Based on my vast knowledge of course, of me and my brother's dreams at the time! You'd think it was a one-off exercise, but the best part of it is that we'd do it again and get different results! Except for the Wife part though, I'm pretty sure they remained the same, although I might have been fickle-minded enough to have to choose between two... What a juggler.

In a mere 10years though, I have wholly different dreams. I retain none of those 3 parts anymore. And in another 10years, everything will seem so different again. And again. It's amazing how life works really. And scary too.

Anyhow I spent 6 hours on skype with my parents and my brother in the morning just now. Absolutely ridiculous! Although closer to the end me and my brother were talking about cyptozoology of all things. And giant isopods (yuck) and diving penguins and ugly elephant seals etc. I am secretly relieved though, that we can still talk with each other so much. There was a time there when I was pretty worried about how anti-social and reticent and depressed-looking he seemed haha!

But there's no going back to the happy days of our childhood when we were the Twin Terrors of Trains (and buses and more) He'll be enlisting soon enough and university will follow soon after. Neither of us can lay claim to being children any more, and we're right on the precipice of adulthood now. Work and family and a thousand other commitments will set in all too soon and it seems inevitable that the trajectory of our lives are on divergent courses. So it is with everyone else in your life, I suppose. But this is my little brother so.. I am feeling quite melancholic about it haha.

I'll be home in 2014, which is when he's starting uni. I'm hoping he studies overseas as well, and I'm pretty sure he's going to. That means that for the next 6 years, plausibly, our room will have only one occupant. That's pretty depressing!

Okay on other less depressing notes.. I had a christmas dinner yesterday involving carrots dipped in humous with moroccan sauce, potato mash with mustard-custard and pestoed pasta. Followed by crêpes deliciousés de Eeva, made by my housemate Eeva and obviously, named by her as well. This was accompanied with oven-baked-apples and vanilla ice cream and on my second piece, nutella. After that was cheese and biscuits, and you should be aware that the British take their cheese very seriously indeed. We had smoked-something-cheese and chili-cheese and onions-and-chives(?)-cheese. Coupled with port wine, apparently a tradition of over a hundred years old. We ended off with coffee and supposedly chocolates, but since that would have been a gastronomical and physical impossibility, we decided not to eat anything more, so just coffee it was.

I decided I had to learn how to make the crêpes, cause I know my sister will be well impressed and possibly even delirious if I made that when I'm back home. So I got the recipe and instructions hehe, and it's is going to be legendairy. Yep, I've been watching HIMYM.

I watched The Beach after that, even though I was really tired. Good choice though, I thought it was a great movie. I only watched it, really, because it had Leonardo DiCaprio, since I had no idea what it was about and I'd never heard of it. What I don't understand though.. is how can anyone ditch Etienne?! Handsome and nice and good at soccer and french to boot. Why would anyone choose an obnoxious Yank over him, even if that Yank is Leonardo DiCaprio?! Bah. Women!

Okay I'm done now, thinking of watching either Chicago or Into The Wild (seems rather pertinent before embarking on a holiday alone haha) or reading a book. In any case, goodbye and happy christmassing!

TRIUMPH! AND! VICTORY!

2011-12-15T15:36:00.004+08:00

HELLO ALL I HAVE JUST COMPLETED MY ESSAY @ 6.50AM AND I AM WHOOPSYDAISYSUPERVERYHAPPEE!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cause 2 exclamation marks are not enough. The kind of liberation and relief you have no idea. Now I am free to do ANYTHING I want!!!! And free to dream of the holiday I will be embarking on in just 5 days! And go wild and enjoy Christmaspirit! Rejoice! Rejoice! Alleluia!

I've been awake since 12pm yesterday and I've been working on my damned essay all this while. Of course I had little breaks in between. I even binged on food, possibly the first time in my life I've ever had to succumb to that. I woke up and took a yoghurt from the fridge. I ate the emergency biscuits in my room. I made fish and chips. I made mashed potato. I ate more biscuits (custard cream mmhmm.) I ate rice pudding. I ate cold ham. I made litres of ribena. 'tis unbelievable, wot!

I've been tramping about the internet trawling for articles, I haven't taken my eyes of the screen for more than 30mins in the past 18 hours I think, reminiscent of my neopet days... Of course not, I'm way too manly for that. I mean Maplestory. No. Runescape. NO.

Anyhow, despite all my intellectual protests at the rubbish I was writing (like filler episodes in Samurai X) and all my agonizations and procrastination, I am finally done with the accursed essay. On to happier stuff!

I put the blame squarely on myself for all this torture, even in the midst of convincing myself to complete my essay, I found time to finish reading All Hell Let Loose by Max Hastings, "unquestionably the greatest single-volume history of the war ever written." It is a 700-page hardcover tome, which I started barely a week ago. Says alot about my stupid priorities, I finished the book before I was even a third of the way into my essay. It was a brilliant read though, not just about the various glorifications of the war that's been made since.

I have not watched any movies/tv shows in the past week (although I more than made up for that in the preceding weeks by racing through whole seasons of House and HIMYM) but I did find an awesome radio channel or somesuch. I clicked on a link to listen to Eisley's The Valley and was led to Jango.com which gave me an Eisley radio station.

eisley froufrou imogenheap tilly&thewall flo+machine afinefrenzy coldplay reginaspektor lenka emilyhaines deathcab phoenix mgmt feist thehushsound yeahyeahyeah's tegan&sara keane iron&wine natalie walker thepostalservice theverve thebird&thebee metric thewhitestripes

That was the result I got. Awesome or what?! It is quite an eerie assortment of bands/singers that have caught my fancy in recent years. Feist, Emily Haines, Lenka, The Hush Sound and to a lesser extent Iron and Wine (I used to think they were massively overrated, but their cover of Such Great Heights is not too bad afterall) are new discoveries though. But I never thought I'd hear Eisley and Frou Frou and Regina Spektor and YYY's and Phoenix and MGMT etc etc in a single compilation. Someone on high must be smiling on me pretty hard.

Somehow I get the vividest of dreams when I'm in rather shallow sleep. Like after going back to sleep after waking up to the alarm and setting it an hour later. Meaning I can't have slept for more than an hour. Yet my dream seemed to be quite the epic. The oddest dream, filled with people who are, shamefully, peripheral figures in my life. It is quite sad how many of them there are actually. People whom I remember acutely but who don't feature anymore.

My plans do not involve any shallow sleep from now on though, it's gonna be full-blooded 14 hour mega sleeps and 400,000 winks cause I.... FINISH ESSAY YESSAHBOMB>

I do have some homework over the next few days, albeit self-imposed. What's that?! one cries, still more homework after that ordeal? It is this: to learn french! I'm not particularly ambitious about this to be honest, cause linguistically I have the ability of single-celled organisms probably. But just basic "survival" french will do! Along the lines of (and in order of relative importance): HELP!, WHERE ARE WE?, Hello, Excuse me, do you speak English?, Thank you, Where is the food?, Please, Don't, Hurt, Me.

I have heard the Frenchman's historic hatred for Englishmen extend to poor Chinese boys who unfortunately, had not the fortune to grow up reading le Petit Prince or listen to Edith Piaf. I had 5566 and Jay Chou though, fair trade. So yeah, survival certainly is a strong incentive to embark on a quest to master at least 10 phrases in the french language, especially if I'm gonna spend weeks in france! Hehehe just 12 hours ago I refused to let myself get distracted/excited by that prospect, but now I'm totally gonna let my imagination run wild.

It is unreal though, to think that one week from now I'll be somewhere in Paris. I have to clear out my fridge before that though, which involves half a packet more of minced pork, 12 sausages, the remnants of the ham (after my dastardly attack on those swines this past night) 5 slices of smoked bacon, 2 bagels and possibly the contents of my freezer as well. I highly doubt I'm un-lazy enough to cook so much before leaving though haha.

I think.. I have nothing much else to add. I'm going to play some intense dota HAHA. And trudge over to the uni to hand in my work in case I fall asleep and miss my deadline. I would be very very cross with myself if I allowed that to happen. So. Ta-ta YESSAHBOMB!

The Coward At Midnight.

2011-12-14T03:09:00.001+08:00

I'm doing my essay and I'm dying I've not been so frustrated in a long time and I think I crave someone to talk to I wish I had someone to share my misery with but the awful fact is that no, I don't have anyone. I'd like to laugh at someone else's jokes or for them to laugh at my silliness and just shoot shit off and exchange nonsense and witticisms so that I can relieve some of my boredom and stress. I can't remember when I've last felt so futilely pathetic haha.

I heard a song called Midnight Cowards so I started wondering whether people get more or less courageous as it approaches midnight. I mean if you're afraid of ghosts or something then clearly you'd get more scared. But it seems to me that some other things get easier to do the darker it gets. Maybe some things you wouldn't want the daylight to be witness to. Or things you want to have the excuse of night madness to fall back on, and say, "that wasn't really me."

It just seems to me like the things that require some form of actual courage I'd rather perform in the dead of night. The day is for the routine, the humdrum execution of our daily chores. The night is the realm of dreams and of leaps of imaginations and maybe even courage. The night is for excitement and being whisked off your feet and onto carpets which fly. The blackness of the sky is the backdrop for fantasies to come to life and for visions of unreal beauty.

It is only at midnight that the coward can delude himself sufficiently to do something he has not the courage to do.

I know, poor sunlight and daytime getting such short shrift haha, but of course they are good in their own right. I'm just not in the mood to try and write nice things about it cause I'm in a dark mood haha. Maybe I need an infusion of midnight courage myself.

Tally-ho! Onwards! (to the essay I ride, all valiant and gallant.)

P.S. Here I am awake at 3.37am probably cause I'm so scared about my impending Essay of Doom that I have no peaz of mindz. HEALP?!

Perfectly Protracted Procrastination.

2011-12-13T02:57:00.001+08:00

I just walked home from the rain, which would have been brilliant had I been reasonably attired. But no, of course I wasn't! Reasonabledness is for l0zers please. Of course I was decked out in my deck shoes, which screams Summer! and today Sperry's: 0 Nature: 1 so my toes suffered the horriblest of collateral damage. Stupid Stubborn Singaprean w/o Socks. I wisened up and bought a pair of shoes just 2 days back, but I'm afraid it's TLx2 (too little, 2 L8) and my feet hate me already.

And I bought my shoes only cause I needed it to go with my smart outfit for a rugby christmas dinner on saturday. I thought I was looking all smart and preppy (some say smashing even) but then I turned up in my leather jacket and everyone else was wearing suits, with ties, even bow ties. Man. I hadn't looked so smart since stepping foot onto these shores and I was outclassed immediately. I was crushed. Nothing a few pints couldn't remedy though, so I patched up my self-esteem and had a blast.

I even went to the club in the uni with my housemates and had a surprisingly good time. I only went cause it was one of their birthdays and I couldn't properly refuse (my impending Essay of Doom would have been a good opt-out clause, but seriously. It doesn't bear thinking about on a saturday night. Abandoned in the recesses of one's booze-ridden mind and branded Untouchable till Monday drearily creeps around.)

Anyhow, my intended point was that in the past few days or so, I'd embarked on a (none-too-bright) shopping spree and totally spruced up my wardrobe. I've not felt so preppy since I've been here! Shame about the hair... I spoke to my sister on skype and she agreed that it "looked like shit". It's bad enough on a normal day but when it rains like it did today? A full-fledged disaster, that's what. Words cannot express my shame and horror when I peer into the mirror upon reaching home. "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WALKING AROUND LOOKING LIKE?! EW UGH YUX >:O"

I'm not sure if you've inferred from my activities lately that I clearly haven't done any work at all. It's true. Deeply disgusted. Absolutely abhorred. Spectacularly sick. Grotesquely gross (this is pushing the boundaries I know.) At the same time... so pleased with myself for booking my christmas holiday! So I haven't been 100% unproductive... just in the academic sense, yeah. Shipping out exactly a week from now, I am pretty damn excited hehe!

You see how I do digress. My procrastination, yes. I remember I said that I'd have to work doubly hard after returning from Portsmouth. I didn't. I said I'd start after saturday night, with the dinner out of the way. I didn't. I'm going to start it after this post, which I really intend to do, except that now that I've made such an epic resolution, I'm gonna go on and on and on and this post will probably be impossibly long. Mathematically, it might even tend to infinity. Because I'm just so unkeen to start work sighz.

And yet the truth is that I remain convinced in my ability to work under extreme stress, and in fact in my flourishing in it. A very unwise stance to take, and risky to boot. But so it is. I will forever let myself be lulled into this false sense of security and leave everything to the very last minute. More boo me!

But I'm definitely starting tonight, there's loads of research to be done and all, and I'm starting from absolutely nothing. It is going to be horrific and I know it. That's why I don't want to start! Hahaha obviously not the best argument out there is it? It is flawed and self-serving and just inherently wrong. And you know I'm just flaunting my vocabulary to stretch out this post and put it off for another minute or two... okay ten minutes tops.

Oh my group leader actually gave us all christmas cards today, how magnificently sweet of her! I don't even think I've ever received one like ever. And fed us with cookies and marshmallows and squash. Couldn't have asked for a better group leader srsly.

Okay enough trite. I'll be sufferring very greatly very shortly, so do think of me often guyz.

Stop. And Listen.

2011-12-09T08:48:00.001+08:00

Hullo my ardent followers, it's Deluded De here yet again. Here's a super-cute link. It'll make you go awwwwwww and feel good for the rest of your day/night. I might be exaggerating a teeny ween but it is verrah cute. “When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” – Karen, age 7

Awwwww! Don't you wish you were twinkling too! Want2havekidsNAOOOO!!!! Oh wait. That would be really wrong. It's suggestive of a certain action... OKNVM.

I don't know about you guys, but after watching the viral clip from the Bollywood movie about "The truth about women" or sth like that I decided I'd watch the whole damn thing! Hehehe. Bollywood <3s From Vasantham Central to Om Shanti Om and now this! Pyaar Ka Punchnama is the name of the movie, and a simple online search will turn it up with pretty decent english subs to boot! It was quite enjoyable actually, which is typical of any indian movie even if it doesn't say anything about how good it was. But this was good. A skewed perspective to be sure (at least I hope it's skewed, I'd be utterly depressed if it were fact) but a riot to watch. You should srsly consider watching it! (Whoever "you" are, mysterious ardent follower.)

I totally didn't mention in my post-booze post why I was boozing in the first place. I had the awesome Finnish Independence Day celebration in my flat, hosted by my awesome Finnish housemate. They did this massive baking/cooking thing and invited like 50 people over, thankfully only 30 odd showed up. And there was enough food for everyone. What a feat! Quite fun really, and lucky me got to talk a little to the other cute Finnish girl! Hehehe. Hao kai xin! But she's way older so don't worry single ladies! Hahahaha sorryz. Anyhow my point was going to be that house parties are pretty awesome, especially when you get nice people coming over for fantastic stuff like Independence Day. I'm thinking Will Smith. And aliens.

I'm quite considering starting to collect le Carré’s books. I have this tab open that says John le Carré’s The Smiley books and I can't bring myself to close it. Haha. Man, srsly irresistable. Let's see how it goes with the finances eh?

Funny how I haven't watched Apple of my Eye or whatever that chinese show everyone is going gaga about is, but I've watched an indian movie instead. Clearly not a very successful chinese. Really shows where my loyalties lie eh ws? I have this sneaky suspicion you're tempted to leave a comment, so I'm halting you before you can say "insert snide remark".

Okay I'm out of here.

The Human Paradox.

2011-12-07T14:10:00.000+08:00

Some weighty issues on my mind. Probably the end-result of too much booze and no outlet haha. I've just sat through this nasty dispute between 2 of my flatmates.

I knew the inevitable conclusion was gonna be ugly, and yet I couldn't bring myself to interject at any point in the argument. I wanted to, but I refrained because I thought it'd hurt the sensitivities of one of the guys. Which meant allowing the argument to play out to its nasty conclusion. It was quite a ridiculous argument really, but that's beside the point maybe. Is it that in order not to fracture my relationship with my housemate, I allowed the two of them instead to ruin theirs? Isn't that really self-serving of me? Was it a lack of moral courage that kept me from speaking up? I have no idea, but I just feel a little awful because I could see exactly where their conversation was going, yet did nothing at all. Bah.

Then as I was taking a bath (to rid myself of my stinky-booze-ridden-stench of course) I was just thinking how I hope my parents are doing perfectly well without me back home. That my absence doesn't bother them one bit, and that they are as happy as before. Another part of me though, hopes that my presence back home does in fact affect them, if only to reaffirm myself of my own important role in the family. It would be nice to know that you're a vital cog in the happy running of the household. And I'm thinking: So what do I really want? And I don't think there's an answer to that. Who's to say if your selfish nature or your selfless aspirations is the stronger?

It's the same with ex-lovers (or Almost Lovers, thank you A Fine Frenzy for a more than fine song) I would imagine. You wish they'd move on, and leave the unhappiness behind, and at the same time wish they don't move on, cause you hope that you were that important to them. If that makes any sense at all. In fact, in a vindictive way you probably have this faint (hopefully; instead of intense and raging) desire that that other person is suffering without you. Or maybe that's just me hahaha. A very vengeful person is me!

Okay that's about all I have to say, I just thought I wanted to note down some of the thoughts I had on these 2 very human situations/experiences/thoughts/whatever/I/don't/know/how/to/label/this/properly, just because. I doubt animals go through such nonsense really. Humans suck. But being human.. doesn't. The Piling up of Paradoxes (paradoxi maybe, sounds way k00l3r.)

I also had a brief discussion with my flatmate on the benefits of globalisation. He's a geographer, go figure. I'd never really thought about it fully, but I think that on a personal level I like it, cause I have the opportunity to travel most anywhere in the world, watch movies from around the globe, listen to music from all corners of the earth, etc etc. But in the grander scheme of things, I think globalisation has made people less happy.

I wouldn't go so far as to say it's made people unhappy, but I have this stubborn belief that people were happier in the past. Something about the simplicity of their lives maybe? Then he asked me if it was because people now have more options than they used to, and after some thought, I said that yeah I reckon so. To which he replied that that's pretty much Marxism! Hahaha who knew I was a closet commy! I should be Chuan De Bolshevik.

Okay now that really is all, it's awfully late and I have a game tomorrow which I might or might not play in, but I've got to prep myself anyhow. Morning all.

But Everything Looks Perfect From Far Away.

2011-12-06T09:58:00.001+08:00

If my head were a microcosm of the universe, my hair would be (a) black hole(s) (I have no idea how many it would be.) It's collapsing under its own weight. It used to be Hong Kong (think: hilly, gradients.) but now its Singapore (think: flat.) It's disturbingly pangsai-looking. Hahaha.

I've not had such long hair since sec 2 I think, nor such flatness. Like an LCD screen. I don't know how to handle it anymore, nor my conflicting emotions about it. Cut it or no?! Oh well. Sheer dogged persistence will see me through this trichologic crisis. Maybe I will emerge looking like one of the pretty J/K-pop boys sans the pretty. One always dreams.

I finished book 3 of 1Q84 last night. Massive. Can't wait to get home to my treasure trove of Murakami books! I liked the idea that it's taking us all this time for us to learn just how lonely we are, so that we can truly appreciate it when we're not.

In a rare fit of sociability (probably not sociableness, although it seems to fit better) I just spend hours chatting with my housemates. First it was a quite serious discussion with the master's student about euthanasia, which brings about with it a whole host of problems like right to life, definition of life, definition of death, abortion, Nazism, societal and cultural norms, stuff like that. Pretty heavy stuff, but I think we're both too firmly entrenched in our own camps haha.

Then we moved on to much more fun stuff like how playing with poo is normative behaviour, and it descended from there, so you can imagine it was utter nonsense. The best part was that winter in Finland next year seems to be quite a likely scenario! Reindeer, ice, snow, cottages, dogsledding. What in the world?! These are things that are almost beyond the realm of possibility, right on the fringes maybe, the very margins of likelihood. Crazy stuff man.

I watched Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy on sunday. Good acting, very atmospheric and intense, but I couldn't really understand what was going on. Seems like a second viewing is in order, or I should purchase the book. I think I'd like to know the entire backstory of Smiley and Control and co.

Okay that was all, brief interlude.

Q: How Do You Fight The Loneliness?

2011-12-03T07:36:00.001+08:00

A: It varies from person to person, really. Some people find refuge in books, some in movies. Others still seek solace in the darkness of clubs; the frenzy of dancing. Some throw themselves at their work, some at the harsh mercies of alcohol. Some claim that certain permutations of the above work exceptionally well, alcohol and clubbing, or books and movies, or any other you might care to choose.

I find the secret lies in crying. There is nothing more cathartic, nothing purer than tears. There is nothing like crying to reconcile ourselves with the fact that we are awfully frighteningly alone. That the solitude is very real. Once you know that, it doesn't affect you any longer, not really. Then you can move on.

_______________________________________

When I get to the city
My tears will all be dry
My eyes will look so pretty
No one's gonna know I cried

Hello all! I just had these random thoughts about how to answer more properly Wilco's How To Fight The Loneliness cause I don't agree with "Just smile all the time." I think if you do that then even your smile loses all meaning and what can be sadder than a person who's lost all meaning in his/her smile? It's very much a fictional answer so don't go away thinking that I weep like a babe newborn. Not that I'm ever likely to reveal that plz. Hehe. I think I suit the enigma look.

Then I heard those lines from Dum Dum Girl's Baby Don't Go, which I thought was such a nice addition since I'm gonna go all weepy creepy.

I just came back from watching Hugo in 3D and it is marvellous. I had no idea what to expect other than Martin Scorcese doing an animated film, an absolute shocker to be sure. Then I saw Chloe Grace Moretz, Ben Kingsley, Sacha Baron Cohen, Christopher Lee, and The Boy In The Striped Pajamas. It is just stunning, and I think the extra 2.60 I paid for the 3D was well worth it. It's hard to find something so heartfelt and sincere in this cynical world anymore. And Scorcese's love for the movie industry is quite plain as well. Definitely a must watch, I should think.

I think I'm gonna have to share what my sister said to me a while back, cause I thought it was absolutely hilarious. She said: I came out here to discover myself and I discovered I am boring. Or something like that. Hahahaha. That's such a ridiculous statement. Anyhow I am glad that she finally got her butt out of her house and out of Melbourne and into Greater Australia, or at least Sydney, which is a start!

The best (maybe only) way to find yourself is to lose yourself, and you cannot accomplish that by any more satisfying means than travel. Strike out in a random direction and work things out. Get misled by lousy maps and misdirected by hapless strangers. It's a great way to really know a place/city as well, but that's secondary to your having loads of fun and many exciting adventures tramping about town. Who cares if you've seen the seedy underbelly or all the touristy sites of a place if you've thoroughly enjoyed yourself!

At least that's what I'm telling myself as I plan my Christmas getaway. It doesn't matter if I miss out this awesome city or beautiful town or wtv as long as I had a whale (hopefully sperm. as in sperm whale, not as in as long as I had a sperm. because sperm whales are big. huge.) of a time.

I'm just thinking how I miss my old playlist, the one which had Belle and Sebastian, Camera Obscura and Imogen Heap/Frou Frou in it. I think they go particularly well together. Like if I'm in a minimalistic (maybe even nihilistic) kind of mood I'd listen to The xx, Portishead, Young Marble Giants sorta stuff. Then there's the rock-out-with-your-socks-out type with RHCP, Jimmy Eat World, Arctic Monkeys, Kaiser Chiefs. And the indie-pop/rock Death Cab, Eisley, The Shins, The Rifles, TNAF kinda stuff. And so many more. Life is only barely bearable with the existence of music really.

It's such a happy occasion when you get to list out your favourite stuff (bands/music/books/smells/people/feelings/memories) cause you feel so awesome after that. Like mmm that's quite a long list, I am awesome! Any resemblance to Barney Stinson purely coincidental. I shall start watching HIMYM THE AWESOME soon. Hehehe! It's going to be LEGEN- (and I hope you like milk) -DAIRY!!!!!!

When We Leave Can We Leave Goodbyes Behind?

2011-12-01T05:17:00.001+08:00

I'm currently listening to most delectable song ever, by Karen O. Damn sick. Click here to listen. Then click the right-facing arrow (AKA the play button) to begin falling in love. I love it when random clicking around on the internet leads you to gems like this, although I know I very well shouldn't be doing any random clicking around at all. Discipline fail.

Just wanted to share how mind-blowing Melancholia is. I think it is quite possibly the weirdest show I have ever seen. Rarely do you end a show and go: What......???? Wow. I don't even possess the words to describe the movie. It had some stunning cinematography, it was a beautiful movie that's for sure. But anything other than that.. I don't know man. Watching Kirsten Dunst makes me wanna watch The Virgin Suicides again though.

And I watched Never Let Me Go as well. I thought the school scenes were inadequate but the second half was really good. Especially that scene with Tommy outside the car, even though I knew it was coming. But that was moving. I didn't like Keira Knightley much though, her face seemed to be twisted half the time and it just looked so wrong to me :/

I just watched Wall Street to prep myself for Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps cause I'm trying to watch all the films with Carey Mulligan in it hehe. I'm considering re-watching An Education as well. In case I was unfairly distracted the first time hehe.

I'm probably gonna watch Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy on Sunday at the brilliant Campus Cinema. Oh no more random clickings just led me to the news that Ben Gibbard and Zooey Deschanel are gonna get divorced. Whyyyyyyyyne. I thought it'd be one of those perfect marriages of awesome people, much like Jonathan Safran Foer and Nicole Krauss. Depressing stuff haha.

I had occasion to think about it recently (my friend was talking about some study he had to research about) and I was just wondering: am I a narcissist? (Weird question to be asking oneself really) And I'm not sure really. Haha. But maybe you could argue that blogging, or writing stories, is a manifestation of that narcissism. Oh whatever haha.

I don't think I'll be posting any of my stories anymore. Maybe it's taking a leaf out of Tommy's book (in Never Let Me Go) and building up a collection in case I ever need to apply for a deferral haha oh wtv. But it's just.. I don't know what I'm doing with them anyway. What I'm seeking to gain out of them. Praise? Approval? Unlikely. They don't matter to anyone else other than me, so I should probably not inflict them upon others haha. If I could write something like the 6th Burrough (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, one of my favourite short stories of all time) though it'd be a whole different ball game!

When I was a young wee boy I used to wonder whether I could be a writer, seemed like a pretty cushy job to me! Seaside residence, drink in one hand typewriter in the other. The only homework involved being reading books. What a dream job! Haha. Now if I think about it though, I don't think I could ever be a writer. Talent notwithstanding, it's the idea of publishing a book and exposing yourself and letting the whole world critique it. What if you think it was the most amazing piece of work you could have done but the reviews say "pretty average" or "absolute tosh" or something? I think your self-esteem would be smashed really, and you'd never ever write ever again! Maybe that's why people have pen-names so at least they wouldn't ruin their whole lives haha.

No big loss anywayz. Anyway I'm listening to the Canadian duo Tegan and Sara (yeah it's not just Nickelback and Avril Lavigne from the Great White North! There's Robin Sherbatsky as well. So there.) and I thought this line was quite nice "Maybe you could have been something I was good at." or something like that.

All we ever wanted was everything.
All we ever got was cold.

Heard a cover by MGMT of Bauhaus' All We Ever Wanted Was Everything. Amazing lines eh? And here's a little mystery, cause everyone loves mysteries. 156, 405, 505. What do these numbers have in common??? They are awesome songs, by Mew, Death Cab and Ze Arctic Monkeys respectively. Why are numbered songs so amazing?! A mystery indeed.

Apparently I have to learn french if I am to be spoken to at all in France. Apparently they ignore pure-english speakers cause they hate the country I'm in. Uh oh. I can't hardly do chinese even......... Bonjour! Oui! 什么?!?!?! Yeah. That's how I project my conversations to go :(

Okay I think that's all for today! Au revoir (the actual pronunciation of it stunned me for a short while.) Same with salut. I can imagine great difficulties lie ahead. :(

And So It Is, The Shorter Story.

2011-11-30T02:00:00.000+08:00

I woke up today singing those words in my head. And then I slept. When I woke up again this song was still playing in my mind. So the first thing I did upon leaving the warm sanctuary that is my bed was to go on youtube and listen to The Blower's Daughter. Simply amazing. I have no idea why or how this happened though, I haven't heard the song since watching Closer, which has got to be many many months ago now.

Maybe it was reading When We Were Orphans by Kazuo Ishiguro. Something about the understated emotions perhaps. Maybe not as good as Never Let Me Go, but life invariably sucks if you go around comparing stuff all the time, so let's not do that. It was nonetheless quite a good read. Japanese fiction writers are da best. I snapped up 1Q84 as soon as I saw it in the bookstore, and it ably accompanied me to Portsmouth and back :D

I'd slept only about an hour prior to leaving on the train (no thanks to an ill-conceived idea to start reading 1Q84 that very night) and barely slept on the train(s) for fear that I'd miss my stops. Mini-catnaps (kittenaps™ probably. so clever it deserves a trademark.) When I arrived I was like, meh, where is my hostel, where is the venue, I am so lostzomg. And wandered around aimlessly, thinking, this sux. Until I decided to eat breakfast. The wonders of a hot meal can never be overstated. Instantly rejuvenated, I struck out with vim and vigour and verve (the traditional v and v just doesn't cut it, I had something extra.) So travelling tip #1, always satisfy your poor tummy before making a judgment on wherever it is you are!

I must say I was expecting something of a dump, prior to actually going there. Maybe something to do with Portsmouth FC's prowess (or lack thereof), which I certainly realize is not a very good gauge at all of how nice a city should be. But I hadn't really heard anything nice at all about the place. Boy was I pleasantly surprised! Say what you want about cheap thrills, but lowered expectations work magik indeed.

Right on the seaside, historic naval base, home of Charles Dickens, long long strips of beaches, when all I expected was a squalid town of rubbish. Okay maybe not as bad as that. I was chatting with the owner of a bookshop and her friend though, and apparently Portsmouth is quite nasty afterall! Bike theft capital of the world (or so they say) and unfriendly people (which I think is somewhat true, through my limited experience with the locals). Well. Nothing you can't remedy with a tirp to the Rose Gardens!

I was just walking around, largely along the coast, for hours on end, had to be close to 8 hours probably. Along the way there was this girl (which self-respecting narrative would have no romantic figure?) whom I spoke to not at all. She was ambling about too, camera in hand, so I surmised she was a tourist travelling alone as well. I guess sometimes you just want to reach out to people whom you think are like you. People who share the same circumstances, people who'd understand. Well we pretty much walked together (by that I mean within 20m of each other, not that there was any agreement that we were walking together) for almost and hour maybe. And then I decided to walk another route in case she thought I was stalking her or something, I admittedly could have been a little creepy, if she were the mega-paranoid sort. Or maybe it was just because she looked like a character on House that I took special notice of her, haha.

And then I was hovering around the concert venue, scoping out the place a few hours before it was due to start, when I am 80% sure I saw The Naked And Famous walk past me and into the building. At first I was thinking, Asian girl with 3 angmohs? Not a very common sight. A few steps later I suddenly thought: zomg, is that TNAF IN THE FLESH?! I'm pretty sure it was, hehe. Starstruckz.

The opening act opened an hour late, so there was alot of lame sitting on your hands waiting. But I cleverly decided to stand right in front of the speakers, so as soon as the first note was struck I'd wake up 500%. I think they were called Post War Years, and they didn't disappoint, even factoring in the one hour wait. But then ofc we were all waiting for TNAF and when they came out we went WOOooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOooooo!!!!

I liked that they played the stuff from their EPs like Spies Spies Spies and Birds etc, instead of just everything from Passive Me Aggressive You. But the most awesome parts of the night was definitely shouting out just that, "PASSIVE ME AGGRESSIVE YOU" midway through All Of This, and the amazing Girls Like You. Sick stuff man. I bought a poster and I can't help grinning everything I look at it now (Y).

On the subject of posters, I bought 2 more from a sale in school. One was a map, because you can't have any pride as a mariner if you don't possess at least one, and the other was this amazing poster of the Eiffel Tower.

Nochoicebut2buy.

I thought it'd be the best reminder to start my travel planning/booking ever. I'm sure you agree, no?! I wake up to this picture everyday now, cause it's right by my bed. (Y) Makes waking up that much more bearable.

Anyhow, I thought I should add a bit about all the benches at Portsmouth. Each of them was dedicated to the memory of someone who'd passed away. And they'd have stuff like "This was his favourite spot." or "From Mom, to the many happy hours spent here together." on the little plaques. It was pretty heartbreaking to see, and strangely enough, a little uplifting as well. Sobering and uplifting, a strange a combo as any. Maybe it's something about the things people do to remember a loved one. The ability to mourn and grieve. The human spirit is not as far gone as many people like to think in this modern cynical desensitized world.

That, and reading When We Were Orphans made me realize how I could be so much better to my parents. When they think of me, do they think of the good stuff or does the bad outweigh all that? Have I given them cause to think fondly of me? When they look back, will they say that I have been worth their effort, and their tears? I hope so. But that's not the end of it, there's still time yet to set things right, hopefully an awful lot more time.

Can't wait to come across Remains of the Day. It isn't quite as fun to purchase stuff online, it's so much more awesome to hold the book in your hands in awe and happiness at a random bookshop you stumble into. I bought When We Were Orphans for 1 quid at the secondhand bookshop with the nice owner. I also bought The Princess Bride and Lord of the Flies (which I can't quite imagine how I have never read before.) I wanted to buy Battle Royale but the only copy the shop had was in a bad state.

So I'm gonna watch Never Let Me Go at long last, cause after watching Drive last week and reading Ishiguro this, I would really be letting myself down if I didn't watch it.

Anyway I have resolved to start working extra hard, on account of all the $$$$ I have spent over the past week. I didn't think I'd spend so much travelling, stupidly forgetting that when I was away I'd have to eat out every meal which really isn't cheap at all. And posters don't come free either. And books. I know I'm doing things in the wrongest way possible, most people indulge in retail therapy only upon the completion of schoolwork, while I chose to reward myself before doing anything at all! Can't be a very good plan, seeing as I haven't done anything of note since returning from Portsmouth hehe. And we all know how new year resolutions work out, or at least how mine do. They don't.

Okay, on that depressing note I end.

It's Not Make-Believe If You Believe.

2011-11-23T06:27:00.001+08:00

Hi guys. I'm heading down to portsmouth in the wee hours of the morning tmr and I am quite excited!! The Naked And Famous rox my sox. I think I have to start revising their songs now! :D So I really should get to sleep early, but I think I might start on 1Q84 now. New Murakami book + TNAF, bezt dayz of my lifez.

Hehe I know TMI (too much information) but I am srsly letting rip some MASSIVE farts!! (Who can resist reminiscing the Beyblade "Let it rip!!!" series.) Must be that chicken tikka masala I made just now. Shocking stuff ey?! It wasn't all that difficult, since I bought the sauce all readymade, just had to prepare the chicken and tomatoes and onions (you get my drift, the drift of all the noxious smelly gas particles) which considering I'd never diced a chicken thigh before last week, is still quite the achievement!

And I had pan-fried mushrooms on bagel for lunch. Such posh-ness has got to be unnatural.. My flatmate took me out grocery shopping on saturday, hence all this amazing sounding food. I even made fish and chips one night. Never thought I'd ever feel so empowered in my life. Don't need a wife no more!! Hehe kidding.

I finished reading Inheritance, the last of the Eragon series yesterday. When I started it I was quite appalled at the style of writing, that bit recapping the going-ons of the previous books. Made me really conscious of the fact that he'd started writing the books at like 15 or sth (I cringed). But thankfully it got better after that and it was quite a good read after all. I really really want to read Robert Jordan again though! Too bad I left them all back home sigh.

I watched Drive the other night and throughout the movie I was just thinking: Carey Mulligan! I couldn't help myself really, which is probably the definition of obsession. Ryan Gosling was good as well though. It was a good movie, probably worth another watch some other time, although not at all what I expected of it. Shall watch Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy as well, but maybe I should go read the book first before I do. It's John le Carre after all.

Okay I shall stop here so that I can start reading my book and hopefully drift of to sleep early so I can wake at 5am zomgosh. Can you whisper? Run, whirlwind run. Passive me, aggressive you!

The Day They Took Our Hearts Away.

2011-11-17T15:44:00.001+08:00

When I was a child I used to fall asleep against my father’schest, the regular, rhythmic beat of what I thought was his heart lulling me tosleep. I thought it the most comforting sound in the whole world, and I would sleepsoundly, knowing that I was safe and snug and secure. Now I’m terrified by thememory of that sound. It makes me sick.

The ceremony was to be performed tomorrow, and I was one ofthe five who would be subjected to it. They say it is to celebrate ourcoming-of-age, but I know better. I know what goes on in the House. Every yearthe girls and boys who’d seen 18 summers would enter that House and emerge asmen and women, finally being part of the System.

The System ran everything around here. It created an idealworld. The System knew everything about everyone in it, and what it did wasmatch stuff together. The men and women who were the most compatible wereallocated to each other, producing maximum happiness and minimum domesticviolence. Jobs were assigned to the people who were best suited to them,resulting in great efficiency and productivity. Those who were neithercompatible nor capable were sent to sleep.

This was the fate for those disabled in accidents, or petswho had grown too old. Or those who had fallen too gravely ill, be it persons orpets. These were solutions to the mistakes of the past. In school we listened inhorror as our teachers told us stories of how infectious diseases wiped outthousands upon thousands of people. This was mind-boggling stuff; we couldn’tgrasp the concept of thousands of people living in close enough proximity todie of each other’s sicknesses, let alone allowing those infected to walkfreely amongst them.

Our teachers told us about the enormous drain on resourcesold and disabled people represented. They told us what to do when (assuming wewere lucky enough to be spared by disease and disability) our fiftieth summercame: enter the door at the back of the House and sleep. They liked to say thatyou only entered the House twice: Once at your “birth” (into adulthood thatwas) and once at your death. They sounded both like deaths to me.

“Jean, we can’t dothis. We have to run away from this place!” Jean was the best and only friend I had.We had grown up and somehow managed to sticktogether despite our different backgrounds. My parents were doctors while herfamily ran the store. The System generally frowns upon people from differentclasses mingling with each other, but since we were merely children we wereallowed to get away with it.

“I don’t know Henry.Where would we go? What would we do? We can’t just leave everything andeveryone behind like that...” One day we had been out in the fields when wedecided to take a break, and just lay down on the grass. I was busy trying tomake out the shapes in the clouds when she put her head on my chest. I wasstartled and my mouth had suddenly turned curiously dry and my heart startedthumping much too loudly, I was sure. I decided to keep silent and perfectlystill, just in case the slightest movement would dislodge her. I became veryconscious of my breathing and prayed I wouldn’t hyperventilate. I didn’t wantto give myself away.

“Well… I don’t know.Away. That’s all that matters. Who is this ‘everyone ‘ you’re talking aboutanyway? Your family? What we have between us is… different, are you just gonnagive it up like that?” After a few moments, she lifted her head with a quizzicallook on her face. Oh damn it, I thought, I screwed up, I knew I would. Then shesaid “Your heartbeat, it’s different. It isn’t the same as my parents’.”

“What do you meandifferent? You always say that. I don’t know what you mean when you say that.” SoI had to put my head on her chest, to determine if it was just me. It wasn’t. Icast my mind back to the memories of my father’s heartbeat. And then I knew.His had been too regular, its rhythmlacked humanity. It was mechanical.

“I… I don’t know.”When we were very young, we had this one day where we were to show our formteacher our appreciation for her. We were very excited about it and had madeelaborate preparations for it. As the end of class approached, the cake waswheeled out and we leapt out of our seats and shouted “We love you Miss Fritz!”She recoiled as if struck a blow. She gaped for a bit and then decided angerwas probably the best response. “Never say that word again. Never.” And thereshe stood, in her murderous rage while maintaining the stoniest of silences,until the bell rang.

“You don’t know? Hah.I don’t know what I was expecting of you, but it was definitely better thanthat. For all your grand notions you’re surprisingly empty. You’re just anotherscared kid.” We didn’t talk about it afterwards. We never did. All of uswere so deeply shamed by the episode that it had become as much of a taboo asthe word itself. It had scared and scarred us and we would never forget thelesson we learnt that day. And no matter how inadequate the words remaining inour vocabularies seemed we never could bring ourselves to say it again. It isfunny how one forbidden word can create such a gaping hole in our ability todescribe what we feel.

“Don’t do this,please. I’m scared, you’re scared. We’re all scared. But at least we have eachother. We can face our fears together, everything will be alright. You have totrust me. I’ll see you by the fields at four in the morning. Don’t worry, okay?”She didn’t answer. I made my way home. The reality of my leaving this placeforever didn’t set in until I started packing. It is weird to consider which ofyour possessions are necessary for survival. Necessary means one thing when you’reat home and your only worries are either about school or girls. It takes on awhole new meaning when you’re wondering how to survive the next few days, andmore, out on your own where the things we hold dear, like money or fancyclothes, are worth nothing.

I was wracked with doubts all night. Would we be able tolast more than a few days? Could we have a life outside of the place we hadcalled home all our lives? Would we behappier than if we stayed? Would she be there?

I struggled to stay awake. It’s always the times when youdesperately want not to sleep that it sneaks up on you and takes hold of youjust like that. You’re asleep without even knowing it. So I paced around in thedark, making sure I was deadly quiet while doing so. I double and triplechecked the contents of my bag. I looked around me to ensure I wouldn’t leaveanything essential behind. In the throes of a restless night like this, it is acomfort to know that the relentless march of time never stops, no matter howslow it might seem to be creeping along. It’s still ticking away, draw strengthfrom that.

And then it was time to leave. The night air seemed to havea sharp taste in my mouth. The glow of the streetlamps seemed to have an otherworldlytinge to it. There was a sort of desperate clarity to everything, as if mybrain were highlighting what I was leaving behind in a last-ditch attempt tostop me.

“Henry.” My heartsoared, the last flight it would ever take, though I didn’t know it yet. “I can’t do it. I can’t forsake everything I’vegot here to go on this wild adventure with you. This is ridiculous, it’s madness.”I think I had always known what her answer would be, although herappearance here, now, had given me something that was almost hope.

“Hah. And you called me scared? Look at you. Terrified of theunknown. Clinging on to the familiar just because that’s all you’ve ever known.You’re gonna let them rip your heart out just because you’re afraid. You... you’rejust like the rest of them. You make me sick.” I turned away from her and staredinto the field and tried to hold back my tears. I didn’t know how to be angryand cry at the same time.

“Let them rip my heartout? No, Henry, that’s what you just did.” And she walked away. I stilldidn’t turn around. I wanted very badly not to care, but I did. I wanted toturn around and chase after her and tell her not to go and that I wish we couldbe back on that field and feel her resting against me again. I wanted to shout “Ilove you” at her departing figure but even then, even right at the end, Icouldn’t.

I stood there, shaking in my futile anger. Anger at myself,at Jean, at the whole damned System. It felt like there was a lump at the backof my throat and it was like there was something with clammy hands holding myheart in its grip.

I swallowed to clear the constriction in my throat. I took astep forward. I stopped. I couldn’t do it. Not alone. I turned around and Istarted walking. To the House.

_________________________________________________

Okay that took me 2 whole long sittings to finish. I always wanted to write about people having their hearts removed so that they would no longer be able to love. I didn't know what form it'd take and I certainly didn't expect it to be like this, but I am quite happy with it! I started that first bit of dialogue today and by some magic inspiration decided to go with a sort of flashback kind of sequence, and I thought that worked out pretty well.

I think it's quite obvious the difference in styles from the first half and the second, the first bit looks pretty boring actually haha. If I had tried to finish it the first time around I'm sure it would have ended up alot worse than this. I'd have tried to squeeze in various explanations here and there, and it would probably have been mostly ill-fitting. This way, I got to dabble with a few other themes as well, which I like to do.

There's that little bit about class and social inequality. The System would never have allowed them to stay together. The liquid nature of necessity. The way our fear of the unknown makes us accept the mundane. The contrarian nature of sleep (hehe). How people say painful words they sometimes don't even mean, but never retract them nonetheless. How our fears stop us from saying the most important things. In the story it was fear of the System, in the form of the teacher. In real life it may be the fear of rejection, or maybe non-reciprocity.

I quite enjoyed writing this really. Especially the flashback bits where I tried to fit the memories with what was actually being said, like a jigsaw puzzle. A pleasing sort of symmetry, if only to me!

I don't know if Henry goes back to the House to go through with the operation or if he enters the back door to die. The best thing (I think) would have been for him to still runaway but I didn't think that was at all likely. The next best thing then would be for him to actually die rather than accept the operation, cause that's the worst death of all. A life dictated by a computer system. A life without passions or love.

The whole story is actually heavily inspired by a series called "The Tripods". The original idea about heart removal was my own but the setting and the coming-of-age ceremony etc. was pretty much stolen from the series. The names Henry, Fritz, and Jean(-Paul in the Tripods) are a tribute to the books. It's an amazing children/young persons series and I remember almost crying while reading the last scene with Henry hehe. That's why he gets to be the protagonist.

That episode with the teacher, however, I think has its roots in Never Let Me Go. Something about the oppressive environment of the school or sth.

One thing I regret with the story is that the House isn't quite as ominous as I wanted it to be. It's supposed to have a very dark feel and exert its influence a bit more, so that that last line would be much more effective. Oh wells. But I don't know how I'm supposed to do it and I'm not keen on reworking that whole first half just because I think it sucks compared to the second. If this was a movie then it could be this omnipresent feature in the background or sth eh? Can't word-ify that without being painfully obvious about it though, it has to be a subtle thing..

Anyhow. All in all a satisfactory literary experience for me, I hope it was that to you as well. Pretty long too, running into 4 pages of my Word document, my word! The word count trumps that of my essay by more than 2x (1635 vs 682) wts, so I reckon I need to be ALOT more hardworking doing my schoolwork hehe.

Time for a short nap (at 8.30 in the morning, yes) before dreaded school later. I think my body is very confused when I sleep any earlier than 1 or 2 in the morning, and thinks I'm just taking a nap instead. Slept at 9.30 and woke up at 2.30 sigh. Which means I've been awake for 6 hours and so a faux/pseudo-midday nap is definitely justified!

I'd ask for some feedback (cause I haven't felt quite so good about a story in a while) but I'm a little reluctant as well (cause I haven't felt quite so good about a story in a while, so what would that signify if I received negative ones!) so... wtv I'm off to sleep now!

The Happiness In Misery.

2011-11-17T04:01:00.001+08:00

I had rugby training just now and I barely made it home. It was raining. The wind was blowing. I was vibrating. If you could combine receiving a call and a text msg and a whatsapp notification and BBM and twitter + fb update and and and ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Maybe it'd be what you get if you watch a palm tree lazily swaying in the strong tropical wind at 5000x acceleration. Brr brr teeth chatter brr brr legs shake brr brr.

At least when I was still in training I had something else to focus on, like unclenching my fists to catch the ball. It was on the way home that I started thinking: Oh my head I am absolutely miserable. I can barely feel my toes, my fingers are warped and stuck in the same positions, I have mud all over my body (and I realized later, on my face as well), I look like a hobo, and my hair looks like pangsai. That was the clincher man.

And I realized I was feeling very cheery about all that misery. What a paradox eh, I am such an exponent of puzzles and enigmas (maybe enigmae a la amoeba/e, think about it: Have you ever seen enigma's plural form??? A new mystery, that.) So I was thinking about it, by all accounts I should be feeling ratty and miserable, perhaps even on the verge of tears (I'm sure someone of a fainter heart/weaker constitution would have wept, it was that bad.) but there I was feeling all happy and cheerful and laughing to myself. I reckon misery is brilliant if you know it can't last.

Probably at the back of my head (cause the front was filled with dire thoughts i.e. how not to die) I knew I was going home to a bloody hot bath, and I could whip up a hot meal and luxuriate in the comfort of my heated room. So my misery only served to amuse me. But this theory doesn't hold water when I apply it to stuff like MIDS and MSTD and I kept trying to reassure myself that, it's only 6 weeks, we'll be back in Singapore soon! but somehow I still felt proper miserable haha. Perhaps by then I was already deadened and pissed off with the world at large. What memories eh?

But it's probably a useful skill to be able to be jovial and laugh at your own misery yeah? Then at least there's happy misery in addition to proper miserable misery, so the actual suffering involved is halved (assuming ofc that misery is split between the two equally, which is quite unfounded really.) Pretty good hey.

Anyhow I think all those old finger injuries are rearing their injured heads at me now. While I was freezing my posterior out on the pitch my fingers just seemed to be cramped or sth, and it was quite painful to move them about. Even now I can feel the discomfort when I wiggle my fingers. But spending >30mins in the shower is such bliss srsly, everyone should have a jaunt in the cold November rain just to experience such pure unadulterated bliss. Just Like Heaven. Feels like Para-para-paradise. Woooooaaaah ohhhhhhh.

I am a Rhymocerous
English is my thing
I can't use the abacus
But give me words and I am king!

Okay I actually want to continue but I ran out of ideas hehe. I saw this 'rhymocerous' or sth in my old BMT sergeant's fb status and I had a little laugh so I thought I'd try to construct a rhyme. None too successful though. In my defence, I did have a massive dinner cause shivering consumes a surprising amount of energy and I am definitely feeling the effects :( Brainpower approximately that of a horseshoe now.

I unfortunately have some work to do but my inner lazy self (so big it barely fits the term inner-self) is coaxing me to leave it for tmr. I am slightly afraid I'll fall sick after the tribulations of today, so maybe I should hit the sack early eh? Hehe lazychuan claims yet another glorious lazy victory. Although I do sort of feel like I have to puke, while not actually nauseous. Does that even make sense in any way? I just think I'd feel better if I had a little puke, which sounds, creepily enough, like the onset of bulimia instead of flu hahaha. Pretty nasty sensations in my stomach now though. I knew my cooking was going to cause me no small amount suffering sigh.

Okay time2lick my wounds and sulk a little bit. Laters.

Whistle For The Choir.

2011-11-15T08:23:00.001+08:00

Hullo my new favourite song in a long long list of favourite songs hehe. Whistle For The Choir by The Fratellis. I heard a lady busker singing Portishead just now (Glorybox, "Give me a reason to love you") so I had no choice but to give her all the money I had, 1 quid. Was supposed to be for the laundry, that coin.

I also got ripped off for dinner. Nasal money for sandwiches and a beer. That teaches me a thing or two about being too lazy to cook, more fool me. And I went on amazon and ordered the 4th book in the Inheritance "trilogy", more famously known as the Eragon books. 9 quid for a hardcover book, not too bad I guess. I would have caught a movie if there were anything worth watching, but there wasn't, with the exception of perhaps tintin. Don't really think I want to spend $ (or £) watching it though. Tower Heist isn't on till tuesday sigh.

I watched a few movies yesterday. There was Sideways, which taught me alot more about wines than I think I ever need to know, but was nonetheless very good. Don't think I've ever seen anything by Paul Giamatti prior to this. I watched Clerks. which I unfortunately have to conclude is probably a tad overrated. I kept coming across it in must-watch comedy lists or somesuch. Which brings me to the third movie, In The Loop, which was an absolute cracker. I burst out laughing at the "Ron Weasley" part. That's what I call vulgar pleasures. Makes me feel like watching it again really.

Next two movies on the list are Breakfast at Tiffany's and Into The Wild, which I never knew was Sean Penn directed. Always reminds me of Mystic River that. Then A History of Violence (starring Aragorn son of Arathorn son of Isildur son of Elendil. Don't mess with a LOTR buff.) And maybe Topsy Turvy as well. I'm heartened to see Superbad on the list though, it's so life-changing that everytime I'm a little sad I just have to think of McLovin'..

So if you're lonely why'd you say you're not lonely?

The Base Of A Dream Is Empty.

2011-11-13T11:24:00.001+08:00

I can't seem to want to go to sleep. Sleep is my jilted ex-lover. I was head-over-heels though, given that I woke up only at like 2pm today hehe. What a bum.

I haven't done anything today but indulge in movies. I'm making my way up empireonline's top 500 films, and I've watched Brick (Joseph Gordon Levitt in high school noir, what more could you ask for) and Superman Returns thus far. The appearance of Breakfast at Tiffany's on the list (not surprising) is perhaps the final push I need to finally watch it.

I also watched Christopher Nolan's Following. You can really see how he's developed his style from that to Memento. Pretty good and truly noir. Black and white films are none too common nowsadays eh? I think I really should watch Batman Begins soon, an obviously missing link in my Christopher Nolan quest.

Had movie night with my flatmates just now, an old movie called The Mission from 1986. Robert De Niro and Jeremy Iron and a quite young Liam Neeson too. Quite an epic, makes you wonder how people can commit atrocities like that, just like that. Although a quick peek at the history books would tell you that yes, they most definitely can.

Okay I'm gonna try and lure sleep back into bed (saucy!) so byebye *sexywink*

Okay I admit I failed. Clearly nowhere near sexy enough, despite the hotbodz :( I'll ramble on for a little while before resuming my movie madness.

I was talking to my flatmate just now and somehow we ended up talking about life experiences and stuff. It seems like most everyone says living and experiencing life is more important than possesions and wealth, but why is it that that's not what seems to be happening with the people around us? On the paper chase and the money trail, yuck. I hope I don't end up that way.

That's how I'm justifying hoing to watch The Naked and Famous at Portsmouth 2 weeks from now!! Hehehe. Took me all of 5mins to decide to do it and book the ticket, the trains to and fro, and the hostel since I'm gonna have to stay overnight. Y no midnight train :( I agonized over the decision for days, but once I'd decided I was gonna go it was a matter of minutes to finalize everything.

That's how it always works out with decisions. The truth is, it takes very little for us to make changes to our lives. It's really a very fine line between yes and no. Yes, I will go to that concert. No, I will not give you a chance. Our whole lives hinge on that fine line. It's scary.

So I've decided I shouldn't be so hung up over money matters. Although of course I'm a student, and monetary woes are a mainstay of student life. But I'm thinking... Phantom of the Opera in London?! Fancy that! Whoa. Keep the jealousy down plz. It's only a maybe.. but with every passing moment I'm considering the notion much more seriously. Hehe.

Unfortunately I haven't received an invite from either of my Finnish flatmates to visit during Christmas :( Haha the devious plan to exploit them to see the northern lights clearly hasn't come to fruition sigh. No choice but to spring an unwanted visit on their unsuspecting selves next year lah. "In the name of friendship, take me to the lights!" They won't stand a chance against my (future) pestering.

Although the tentative plan is Germany and at least Florence next Christmas if Basil will be there. And the US for Christmas 2013, also if Basil is there. It's quite gay that I'm basing my holiday plans on him isn't it. But that's just the excuse I need to visit Canada, and I'm pretty certain they get the northern lights as well.. Although I have this weird impression that they're a strictly Scandinavian thing. But surely the Russkies get it too (it'd be terribly depressing otherwise, all that cold and none of the sights!), so I must be wrong about the Scandinavian thing.

I really don't know why I'm not going to sleep. It's 6am now. Bummer. I'm going to reset my body clock by going without sleep I guess. It always fails when I sneakily decide to take a nap at like 5pm and wake up at 11. Then it becomes even more messed up, but if you repeat that a few more times... it stands to reason that one of those times will result in a righted biological clock! Or it might become permanently messive (massively messy that is) and I'll spend alternate days nocturnal and whatever-the-damn-the-opposite-of-nocturnal-is (I won't even pretend to know it haha.)

I'm halfway through writing a story now. But as is always the case when I reach the middle I am hopelessly lost. I usually start with a brilliant end in mind, and I try to make the beginning of each story as brilliant as possible. It's always the middle that stymies me. Like major stumbling block. I never know how to properly get my story to its brilliant end, and in the end I usually just putter about aimlessly, sometimes trying too hard, sometimes not doing anything at all. In the famous words of Me some time back, I am "bumbling about in the forest." Hopelessly lost.

That's what happened with pretty much all of my secondary school essays I think. I start of with this amazing idea, I wrack my brain for the perfect ending with a twist, and then proceed to fill up the middle with barely bearable rubbish. I miss secondary school essays though. Those one worders like - Flight, or Heat, or something. They were such fun to do. Then we graduated on to GP. 'Nuff said. Miserable stuff. GP was a trainwreck on the highway to hell.

Oh I didn't mention that my Finnish flatmates made a Finnish dinner which I couldn't help but finish (you know you saw this pun coming.) It was salmon cooked in the oven with like idk, a slice of heaven or sth. It was so flavourful and juicy and tender and just.. just.. magnifique! I wonder if I could whip up some char kway teow or sth for them haha. Or maybe it'd be a disaster (like my last fried rice) and put them off Singapore foreva. What a dilemma!

Okay I'm pretty sure this post-script is longer than the actual post was (oh that makes it post-post-script!:) so I shall end here. No fancy good-bye this time like ciao or ta-ta or adios or hasta la vista or something. This is it.

Like A Vulture In A Wasteland.

2011-11-10T12:48:00.000+08:00

It takes a special genius to set an alarm on the laptop and leave the earpiece plugged in. The bloody alarm was beeping through the earpiece so frantically for more than an hour before I finally noticed it, so tiny was the sound. Woke up at 12:10 and by 12:30 I had left the house, after eating breakfast, taking a quick hot shower, and packing my stuff for the match. Pretty rapid eh?

An hour's drive down all the way down to Plymouth and I only played less than 10mins, spending the rest of the time freezing my ass off in my short shorts and short-sleeved shirt as the friggin' wind just buffeted the pitch. I need track pants and a sports jumper. And I think my legs are like icicles sticking out of my hips, so slow do I run. My one touch of the ball I got tackled by this big tall guy whom I had been certain I would outrun. Bummer. Too lazy to work on my sprints though. But I was shaking like a shaker fry out there, in the aftermath of rain. Proper november days we're getting now, all cold and chilly, but not unpleasant as of yet.

Celebrated my housemates birthday today at the Bella Italia. Sounds posh no? I was craving for some steak (after it appeared in the most awesome book I read yesterday) cause I realized I hadn't eaten a proper slab of beef since setting foot upon these shores. Good choice, whatwith the 50% off voucher to boot. And I had a dessert called The Godfather. Dramatic much! It was indeed quite epic though, Don Corleone would have approved.

Such sin does not however, go unpunished. I came home and laosai'd. I forgot to mention I had a slice of the birthday cake as well. Gluttony will be the death of me. Or maybe sloth? Perhaps wrath. zomg. De7an pls. (Srsly though that looks cool doesn't it! Hahahaha.) If you don't get me though, do watch Se7en, only one of the bestest movies EVER. Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman, Kevin Spacey, and even Gwyneth Paltrow! (never thought much of her really, just another famous name, but after Shakespeare In Love I think she's not too bad)

The awesome book I read is titled The Sisters Brothers. It's a western, set in the Gold Rush of the 1800s. I embarked upon it late last night as I wanted to sleep, and what better way than to stare at little words assembled on little pages while in the amazing comfort of your bed right? Wrong. I couldn't put the book down and midway through it I marvelled to myself: Wow, this book is brilliant innit? Then continued reading. All done in one sitting. Strangely funny, for I hadn't expected something quite so humorous from something on the shortlist for the Man Booker prize (usually expect serious stuff that's heavy going and deep and profound on so many levels, no?)

Now I have no more books left though. Time for a visit to the bookshop soon, but I suspect I should make myself work for it. I'll try to put in a few more hours of study first sigh.

Time2Slip. I should start planning my christmas break out too huh. Good night whirl. (world)

P.s. I just have to add on cause I chanced upon the article which said that Singaporean women wouldn't date shorter men. That's outrageous and upsetting :( Not say we don't want to be tall.. Anyway if anything they should be amazed at how we manage to fit so much goodness into such small frames HAHA. And I mean, why would anyone want to resemble a BRONTOSAURUS?!?! (Click here for image) Yes, I'm talking about you woonshin. Albeit a Very Dashing one indeed. (I did warn you about impending war.) Ta then.

A Man With Such A Wistful Eye.

2011-11-05T12:25:00.002+08:00

Yet each man kills the thing he loves,
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!

Some kill their love when they are young,
And some when they are old;
Some strangle with the hands of Lust,
Some with the hands of Gold:
The kindest use a knife, because
The dead so soon grow cold.

Some love too little, some too long,
Some sell, and others buy;
Some do the deed with many tears,
And some without a sigh:
For each man kills the thing he loves,
Yet each man does not die.

-From the prison writings of Oscar Wilde

I never knew how The Portrait of Dorian Gray was such a portrait for Oscar Wilde's life. Or at least that's what I'm thinking after reading about his life and how he was charged for homosexuality or somesuch. He possesses such amazing wit and ability to write. I just saw one of his quotes the other day, in some shopfront "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about." Or something like that. Some people say wit is the highest form of intelligence, some the lowest. I like to think it's pretty high up there, haha.

I've been watching House again, and I'm almost finished with season 6 now. And somehow 13 seems to be prettier than I remember her! Olivia Wilde, of course, which in all honesty had nothing at all to do with Oscar Wilde up there. I only just realized the coincidence haha.

The ba kwa that I brought from singapore is keeping me alive atm. And the packets of peanuts. Verrah good when you're hooked onto a tv series and refuse to leave your room for proper food. I should stick my hand out of my window every once in a while for my vitamin D dosage perhaps, or I might get very unhealthy. Of course with a diet consisting of ba kwa and peanuts you could argue that I'm already in the pits of unhealthiness.

I did go running today though, so that erases about... 2% of the damage done in my one week of unhealthily fatal diet. Hopefully head down for some training tmr, and death will be staved off once more.

What would you sacrifice for one moment of pure happiness? Unadulterated bliss. A whole life of hit-and-miss happiness? Probably not. A year of suffering? Shame, guilt or whatevernot. Because there's always a pay-off isn't there? Nah. Don't believe that. Things like happiness should never happen on a transactional basis, there should never be a pay-off for it.

I don't know what I'm driving at. Sometimes I just want to say sorry. I don't even know what for sometimes. In the hope that it will magic things back into the land of "okay" again, perhaps. Too many mistakes over too many years to undo them all, too many even to rue them all.

Sometimes I wish I could say farewell properly. The way it deserves to be said. Maybe closure is overrated but it still sucks that I've never been able to give proper goodbyes. Instead of neat and tidy endings all you get is sad sacks of regret and sadder bits of hope. And on nights like this, these bits still glimmer faintly, like half-buried gold from the lost city of Machu Picchu.

Well lost is lost and buried is buried. Shouldn't kid myself about "half"-buried nonsense. I looked at the above paragraphs and it kind of sounds like I'm suicidal. More specifically, jumping-off-a-really-high-building kind of suicidal. You know, one moment of pure happiness etc. Too many mistakes etc. Thankfully I'm not, actually, suicidal. Or I'd be really worried about my mental well-being. Phew that.

Although the fact that I even made that connection in the first place.. might be construed as a hint on my subconscious' part to make me realize that I am, actually, suicidal. Fascinating eh? Sigmund Chuan srsly. But I'm not Austrian so I'm probably wrong. So I'm probably not suicidal. Okay! I'll stop trying to be funny here.

To reassure-plus-chop you, I did have massive ego-boozt today so depression and suicide is highly unlikely. Hahahaha. Someone (or two) said that I (and this is verbatim, I don't go for self-feel-good hahaha) "had a hot body" and that she (or they, I'm quite unclear on this) would totally date me if I only were a little taller. Hahahahaha! So I did get knocked down a few pegs there, but on the whole, hahahaha! Makez one'z dayz totallyz! That's one in the solar plexus for any might-be-depression surely!

Okay I can't help myself must share this from youtube! The Cinematic Orchestra - To Build A Home with the sound of rain!!! Tell me that isn't the most fitting accompanying background sound ever. That's why I find it's always worth scrolling through some of the comments even though there are so many imbeciles/trolls/immature idiots/mature idiots out there demeaning most forums and comment boards all over the internet.

Whichhhhhh reminds me of that poor girl who slapped/beat her poor mother or sth. Not that she's a poor girl for having done that, although maybe you could argue that there's a case for that as well, in the convoluted mess that is parental relations. Anyhow. I clicked on a link to some hardwarezone forum which I think was the root source of all the trash that's been generated over the past week or so. (I don't actually know how current this is haha.) And have you seen the responses to the original post?! "Sexpose her!" etc. My word. We have got mega retards rampant on the forum. If you have any doubt about that, check out stomp. If I'm not wrong the nest of amazingly idiotic idiots should still be there stomping around.

Not that the girl didn't do anything wrong. Clearly she has issues. But I think it sheds more light on the rest of the people out there who have only been, childishly, fanning the flames. I think the mom suffers the most from this debacle. The igominy of having been hit by a daughter now recognized by half the people on the street. It's just ridiculous.

And it's cause of the mob effect isn't it? Or the anonymity one. Either ways it's the internet that sparked all this nonsense, so it really makes me wonder that for all the good it's done so far, maybe it's not something that should have happened. Sorry Mark Zuckerberg and your fortune.

Okay it's alot later than I expected so. I shall take a break from my epic evasion of Sleep's Minions, and curl up in a nook and cranny (aka my bed) for a brief respite, where hopefully the Minions can't find me. Okay I shall stop trying to be funny. Isn't worki- zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Except For Matters That Do;

2011-11-04T23:29:00.000+08:00

Funny how it is that we can talk about all sorts of matters, except for those that actually do matter. Funny how we can say anything except for that which we truly want to say. It's the most important things which we are the most afraid of, and so our lips are forever sealed.

The Break Down Of Fortified Hearts.

2011-11-01T13:46:00.000+08:00

You of heart fortified
I have
Hammer and ladder
And battering ram
I have
Determination and desperation
And stamina proportionate
You have
No chance!

I am super bored. This is the product of a super bored mind. Maybe bored isn't as accurate a descript as deadened. Numbed. Desensitized. Why? Cause I'm midway through my essay. I'm supposed to be doing my essay. I am 11 hours and 400 words away from submission. What I lack is not the word count but something of far greater import: Understanding. Lifesuxttmplzhelp!

I have hit a mind-block of such mass that when I tried to drive around it I ran out of gas (it's comforting to know that yo-mama-so-fat jokes are actually useable in other contexts.) But I shall strive onwards and upwards, only because I have no choice sigh. Working on an essay at 5.15am is not something I am keen ever to experience again. 4pm (or 1600GMT) beckons, however. Werk werk!

Okay hello all I'd finished my essay at about 9 something, and was so delighted I decided to indulge in some dota! It wasn't a matter of choice. I had to do it lest I fell asleep, and miss my workshop, and my deadline for submission, which would render all the hardwork of last night utterly futile. I've never disapproved of an essay that I've written so much before srsly. I was clutching at straws and maybe the right expression is "luan bomb" or "anyhow whack" or something.

I'm quite sure my essay was not at all cogent, let alone persuasive, and maybe even incomprehensible. The weakest strands of argument ever. Intellectual fail. And now I'm tired out of my mind and I just want to sleep but I can't. Deyan and the Arghonots. I don't even know how or why I remember something as randomly insignificant as Jason and the Argonauts argh. He's not even that famous a greek hero, I mean, pitted against Hercules or Achilles or even Perseus or Theseus. You notice I'm rambling. Tired sia.

I did have great fun over the weekend by the way. It was really nice to see yijie after so many years, perhaps I'd already begun to believe that I'd never meet any of them again. I can't convey how impressed I am with her. It must have taken great courage for her to make that decision to study abroad, and in bloody Scotland to boot! That she did, and with panache.

She just seems so mature and sensible now that it leaves me speechless. And the fact that she goes travelling by herself and all, it's just amazing. She said that the reason she decided to study overseas was because of us. It's good to know that we managed to make an impact on their lives, it truly is.

Well York was quite brilliant too! It's quite a pretty place, and I really liked the little oases of peace that were scattered around the city. It was surprisingly busy though, I'd expected a quiet little place but it was pretty crowded. Walking around for hours with a laptop and a textbook in my bag didn't do wonders for my energy though, I almost crumbled at the end of the day.

Which was when I headed off to Newcastle, home of the Toon Army. A thousand thanks and more to bel for hosting and entertaining me! Despite the fact that the Newcastle city didn't really appeal to me, I thoroughly enjoyed the 2 days there. Tynemouth was pretty nice but I guess I was blessed with a massive dollop of inexplicable good weather, making fish and chips by the seaside and sitting on the grass possible. Quite the miracle actually, given amount of rainfall this past week.

Then I had to round off my whole trip with a stupid stupid spoiler. Incredibly stupid. I can't imagine what I must have been thinking setting off for the station so late, which made me miss the train. You have no idea how pissed off I was with myself. The amount of idiocy involved, my word. Haiya. 100 pounds blown over such a silly matter. Some form of punishment is required. Rice + Soya sauce everynight for 3 years, no choice. Serving the dual purpose of both cost-cutting and punishment. I was almost gonna deny myself TNAF at Bristol but since Bristol is only an hour away.. And one week holiday for Christmas instead of 2.

It's a recurring problem though. I think at its root is overconfidence, perhaps cockiness. Confident that I can make the train on time (a hundred pound mistake). Confident that I can book in on time (24 confinements or 3 months with zero life the price to pay). Confidence in getting 6 points for O's. In getting straight As for A's. In getting SAS(O) instead of SAS(L). I've made a complete mess of things everytime I'm given the chance to. The fact that I'm where I am now is only testament to how amazingly blessed I've been despite all I've done to make a disaster of my life. I deserve so much worse. And there's only one explanation: grace.

Okay my body is revolting now. I know you're thinking ewwwwww disgusting!! now but I meant that it is up in arms against me, not that I have a particularly gross specimen of a body. Therefore I shall attempt to grab a few hours of sleep to appease it before it does something truly spectacular like, idk, die or something. Smell ya later! (If you don't recognize it it's a tribute to Pokemon - Gotta Catch 'Em All! cause that's my favourite line off Gary aka Blue.)

My Mistakes Were Made For You.

2011-10-28T08:26:00.004+08:00

I stupidly tried to whisk an egg in a hot saucepan today cause I didn't want to have to wash yet another bowl. Bad idea. Obeying all laws of egg-cooking, it started frying upon contact with the saucepan. Cooking fail! I was gonna whisk it then pour it over my rice to make a scrumptiously delicious meal of fried rice but I made a fool of myself instead :( so I got fried rice with fried egg, which isn't at all the same as rice fried with egg. Louyapok'd.

I've been ridiculous these few days but I'll never tell anyone what I've been up to because it's such a shameful thing to admit to. I did finish reading Snowdrops which was pretty good, although I kept expecting some spy/political thriller of it. Does make me wonder whether I really want to visit Russia though!

And Spooks has been gripping, I suspect I'm gonna finish all of it before watching anything else (all 10 seasons, yes!) And then resume House, because the unexpected appearance of Hugh Laurie on Spooks made me crave it. And I miss Sweets from Bones actually, haha! Say what you want about psychologists.. And I can't stand not knowing what's going on between Booth and Brennan too ofc.

I'll be heading to York this weekend, and Newcastle-upon-Tyne (which means 2 places in 1 so pretty good deal eh?) I also have an essay due really soon so things might just get a little hairy around here :( I just need to find out what's going on, and what in the world are the royal prerogative powers?! Stay calm. Be still, my heart.

Speaking of which, I did go for a run recently, which is certainly good for me cardiac-ally. Fresh air and exercise, 2 vitally missing components in the life of a couch potato i.e. me. I really should try and get in some more exercise, rugby once a week just doesn't cut it, nor does the occasional run when my conscience can't stand myself any longer and drags me arse into my running kit.

I really don't know if I should head down to Bristol for The Naked and Famous. I feel like I'm being really irresponsible with my pursestrings (hypothetical of course, I'm obv 2manly4purses), whatwith the weekend trip all planned and paid for already. You have no idea how expensive trains cost cross-country bah. Bo lui :(

And I'm suddenly thinking France for Christmas. I was taking a walk towards the river with some friends when it struck me that I should spend Christmas or the New Year in Paris or something. Oh man. It'd be terribly romantic wouldn't it! If I'm going to spend my 21st birthday alone (which has always been the plan) I'll have to do it in stylez. And I doubt you get much more stylo-milo than Paris! Oh noez now I can't wait. It's not often I get excited over the new year like that!

It's incredible how people manage to sometimes connect so instantly, so randomly. All of a sudden you're talking to someone whom you've never spoken to before, whom you've never particularly cared for. Just like that. You barely remember the origins of your friendships do you? You wonder, why did we ever start talking in the first place? But that's how it is. It's a mystery.

It's incredible also how people manage to disconnect as well. You look back and you think: Wow, we were so close just a few months ago, what happened to us? How do we cut ourselves off from the people around us so easily? It's so easy it's scary. How is it that we manage to lose our connections just like that? Maybe it's not enough that we look back on these things and say "Oh, well." with a sigh and a little sadness, and then do absolutely nothing, carry on with moving on. It's so very senseless.

Oh bother I've got to get up at 7.30am tmr so I shall have to.. SLEEP! (CLASSIC DOUBLE UNDERLINE BOLD CAPSLOCK EXCLAMATION POINT) (If I could only get the second underline, damn!)

Travelling Through Postcards.

2011-10-26T07:22:00.000+08:00

Hiya there. I've been addicted to this BBC series called Spooks lately. It's about the MI5 and quite character-driven, which I really like in a show (that's why Criminal Minds > CSI any day, everyday.) I've charged through almost all of 3 seasons now, which is probably something like slightly more than 20 hours in total.

It may seem that I've made a hash of my life now, and I'm inclined to agree with you. Who spends 20+ hours over 2/3 days on a show?! At least I managed to go to Ilfracombe on Saturday, so that makes me slightly less utterly worthless than I'd otherwise be. Boo hoo.

The scenery on the way there was quite impressive, all hills and green grass and sheep and sheep and sheep and the occasional cow. Like postcards of countryside England, perhaps. But that was nothing compared to the scenery all the way up at Ilfracombe, which was simply stunning. I didn't take as many photos as I thought I would cause there are some things that the camera lens simply cannot do justice to. If only our memories could be condensed and packaged and sold like little trinkets, I'd make quite a tidy bit just on that trip alone!

That'd be wonderful. The memory of love could be distributed in schools so that kids could have something to look forward to when they grow older. And the memory of pain would have to be mandatory so that everyone would learn not to inflict it.

Anyhow. It was great that my flatmate decided to bring us on a tour of his hometown, as I'd never have known about a place like that ever. I'm thinking of heading to Bristol soon cause there's gonna be a Naked and Famous (sounds so sleazy and wild yeah?) performance there apparently. Insane in the membrane. Need somehow to cough up the $ required though sighhhhhhhhh. Sighzable (sizable) sighs.

On the culinary/health front though, my fried rice didn't end up in my death after all hurrah! Good thing my flatmate took pity of me and generously spared me peppers, peas, onions and chili powder, without which my fried rice would have been so punily bad otherwise. I only provided the rice, the prawns and the hordogz. Which means that he provided for more than half my meal doesn't it?! I really need to learn how to do grocery shopping. I am newbie pleaz help me.

I also have ulcers on my lip and tongue THAT ARE KILLING ME. ARGJHASHAJAHHHH! I need at least a syrette of morphine or something. Codeine. And the air is so dry that I'm having to drink lots and lots of water (so sensible, you might think, but that's only cause it would be highly uneconomical to be drinking such copious amounts of juice/other expensive stuff, much as I would love to.)

I woke up today in such a blank. Don't you get those days when you wake up and feel that everything seems somehow to be so meaningless, maybe even senseless? Then I thought how unreal life was, or at least the life we lead. Worrying over silly things, moaning over being out of love and somesuch, and we don't realize how extraordinary our lives are. Being able to talk to people thousands of miles away for free, being a mere 24hours of flight away from the rest of the world, any part of it, the ability to contact (not connect though, that's a different matter) almost anybody in the world, almost instantly.

Things that were unthinkable just years ago. Or maybe even a few hundred kilometres away, in some remote part of the world that technology has left unsullied. So that's what I thought, as I lay on my bed, that it was incredibly silly for me to be there thinking dark thoughts and about how meaningless my life suddenly appeared to be.

I also thought about the number of lonely people out there and given that the number surely is exceedingly large, that it didn't seem to make sense. I mean there are so many other lonely people around surely it can't be that difficult to be un-lonely! Perhaps people just aren't able to get past their prejudices and preferences and their ridiculous hopes and the fool's gold that someone better will come along.

Okay I will be heading to Yorkshire this weekend, forsaking a rugby league match against the uni rugby league team, unfortunately. I'm not sure if I'd have made the team though, although one always hopes. I'll be meeting one of my dear friends from China and I'm really looking forward to seeing her after such a long time. I'm also really amazed by how she could have gone to Edinburgh to study, truly brave.

Alright that's it goodnight folks!

How Soon Is Now?

2011-10-21T02:09:00.001+08:00

4 hours of lecture straight. Thas not good at all manzzzzzzz. Oh well that's school4u! I'll tell you what's worse. The high $$ of all the textbooks I have to buy, that's what. All my nasal money gone right there (I know you're thinking: what?! it's cause I'm paying through my nose.)

No choice but to do a nasal whine now. Compounded by the injuries I have sustained while valiantly going out to play rugby on a cold and rainy October afternoon, with an Arctic wind blowing it's way across England to boot. You have no idea how hard the cold ground is. Hello JJ's lousy artificial pitch, you might have been rubbish but I still kinda miss you, although not so much once I remember the number of scratches/abrasions I get with every fall. Dag dag dag!! Ta-da. 1 x new scar.

So I got a stud-mark of brilliant hues, so brilliant you could get lost in it. I hurt my heel somehow (don't ask me) and now I can't walk properly. I got my shoulder injured, ironically though it was while playing touch prior to the game. I be ruitard :(

Anw you might be surprised to hear this from a baker of scones and a maker of apple crumble, but I fried my first egg about 2 days ago. Hahahaha! Something about frying and hot oil and some other hidden fears kept me from giving it a go till necessity forced my hand. Today I did it again, along with hotzdogz and ham and smoked salmon, although I must say that the salmon was not smoked by me. But pretty decent effort at making meself a meal yeah?

It's gonna be fried rice tonight, I think I could start my own cooking series really soon. If I survive tonight that is. Hahahaha. Gonna whip out some prawns and sausages (I rephrased hotdog cause it'd sound so boring and like I have an empty fridge or sth) and my Basmati rice. Apparently it's pretty high class rice, so clearly that's the rice for me. Hehehe gleeful laugh. Or nervous laugh actually, cause everytime I embark on a new cooking expedition I increase my exposure to.. without meaning to sound dire and melodramatic... DEATH.

I did buy 3 new books. Snuff by Terry Pratchett which was at half price so I really couldn't resist, even though I did try heroically. Snowdrops which I think is a thriller and The Sisters Brothers. I'm almost through with Snuff after just one day, and thankfully I'm not in a shared room or something cause there might have been something maniacal about the way I was laughing to myself. Good thing I drew my curtains too cause I might have been marked for the Institute or something. PHEW.

BTW Youtube sucks in this country because of all the ads. Ohman. Now I understand all the whine about vevo and stuff. So annoying gah. Cajun Dance Party, You Say Party! We Say Die!, Yuck, Editor, Is Tropical, all pretty good stuff. But now I'm back on my old playlist which features The xx so I'm hella happy now (Y)

I am yours now,
So I never have to leave.
I've been found out,
So I'll never explore.

This is the playlist I never tire of, Arcade Fire, The xx, TNAF, Hurts, Phoenix and more. Damn best. Oh I didn't mention my butt aches from my exertions yesterday. No better physical activity than a bit of contact, first full game in years and I made just one mistackle. That's not too bad a statistic! Hahah. And now I'm so much more confident about facing those si gwai lo (or angmohs) because at least I know I'm not the most burden guy on the pitch haha! I actually played quite well I think, not exactly like a "demon" or a "beast" which is what I'd normally like to think of myself as, but not too shabby either! Heh.

I had vegan food yesterday. It wasn't too bad actually, although I think my stomach must have been bewildered by the vegefruit onslaught. "Where's the meat?!?" Strawberries and grapes and apples and stuff for dinner. Then for dessert it was pears in melted chocolate sauce or something. I don't think I can be a vegan/vegetarian really, I just don't possess the fortitude to stay away from something like ba kwa or kong ba pao or something. It was a good experience nonetheless! (Not least because I didn't have to help to prepare the dinner HAHA I have lazybones no my fault!)

And of course a cute Finnish girl helps too hehe! Ohwell all out of my leaguez I'm afraidz. Hahahaha. Lo-self-esteem nooooooooo. It will all be set right once I'm featured on Wodota I think. HAHA. From loser to losest. Or loserest, whichever rocks your boat. Or floats your boat. I can't rmb which it's supposed to be haha.

Okay I don't like this new blogger, I prefer the old one, so much less fancy. I should go and try to cook now. Don't scoff but it's gonna be the first time I operate a rice cooker. And subsequently fry it to boot. Huge undertakings here!!!!! Pray for me perhaps HAHA.

Could I be, was I there?
It felt so crystal in the air
I still want to drown, whenever you leave
Please teach me gently, how to breathe

And I'll cross oceans, like never before
So you can feel the way I feel it too
And I'll mirror images back at you
So you can see the way I feel it too.

Manically Mechanical.

2011-10-17T08:20:00.003+08:00

Hello all youse guys. I'm not sure if I'm falling sick or what (accursed fresher's flu) but since last night I've felt like a robot or something. Like I'm not even thinking at all, just going through the motions and stuff with restless energy. I just couldn't fall asleep, and my mind was a total blank. Felt a little like the onset of a fever bah.

I re-read my story and decided it wasn't super awful after all, although I'm still bewildered by how I managed to end up with that instead of what I'd set out to write?!?

Anyway I can't believe Wales lost nuuuuuuuuuu. I'd have supported them against the All Blacks even! Man. Heartbroken
Yesterday the International Society had a trip to Bath and Stonehenge and guess who was in the thick of it? If you guessed me then congratulations, you're pretty smart there! One of the World Heritage sites off my to-go list now, although the photos I took of Stonehenge weren't too good I think. Sun was too glaring :(

And guess what Bath is famous for? Roman baths, yeah. I never knew the Romans were in Brittania till yesterday so that speaks volumes about my poor grasp of history. The architecture in Bath is quite breathtaking, it's probably the prettiest city I've been to in my life (that doesn't say much haha!)

Okay I'm gonna have sunday roast dinner later, apparently another famous british tradition. I might just go and help with the preparation, since I'm slowly but surely becoming a mini-masterchef. I've made dinner which was not spaghetti or maggi, so surely that's an achievement. Although it was just boiling some pasta. And I made a smoked salmon bagel with cream cheese today. Posh eh? Of course I didn't make the bagel, I just put all the different parts together, but I think that's quite admirable! Hehe.

I guess it's difficult for people to be unfeeling. Sometimes you tell yourself not to feel, but you just can't. It ain't easy to be mechanical. But sometimes it's necessary, and it's the right thing to do. Sometimes it's the only thing to do.

ANW it's now 1am, like 9 hours after typing all the above, and I've had my roast dinner. Yorkshire pudding, roast beef and more. And an apple crumble whose crumble owes its existence to me! Yeah, I made it. All that butter and flour and whatnot. I am the master of the dessert.

I also had a nice little chat with swoonz and ang :))) First time I've talked to them in ages really, and it was great! Makes me realize how much I do miss home after all. Awwwwwww. Some worrying stuff too so I hope you guys manage to sort things out!

And you guys are egging me on to get featured on wodota srsly. HAHA. Okay I'm really tired after eating such a massive amount of food during dinner, practically comatose now. So buhbye.

Night Mares.

2011-10-14T15:23:00.000+08:00

Night falls. The last remnants of twilight creep across the sky, slowly, silently, a retreat from its losing battle against the night. One more day in the eternal struggle between the forces of light and darkness. I feel my dread rising, almost as if it were threatening to suffocate me. I almost wish it would succeed. I pray, but I know not to whom, not anymore. I lay in the comfort and dubious safety of my bed, whose sheets have long since been soaked through with my sweat. And tears.

It is no secret that there are hours in seconds and years in minutes, on both extremes of expectation. I must have aged millenia caught in the in-between. Maybe tonight it will finally be over. Maybe it will never end. Then I heard the sound, carried on the wind, mingled with the smell of the sea. I could never look upon the sea again, and not feel the taint.

White, red, black and pale, they rode up to me. Some people say that after dread, anything that finally happens is actually relief, because nothing can be worse than the bad thoughts in your head. They are wrong. I screamed as they picked me up and carried me away, until I could scream no longer, and still I tried.

I imagine we must have travelled vast distances, for with every blink I would open my eyes to different landscapes of different worlds, both wondrous and terrifying. There was once I gleamed a world where there were little lights turned on around me in all directions, and yet there was too an endless darkness stretching into infinity. Those little pinpricks of lights were pleasantly reassuring, but the overwhelming darkness made me feel so small anyway.

Whoa! We came to a stop. I had come now to the edge of my dreamscape. This was where my dreams took shape and my nightmares came to life. Living a dream life, everything else forgotten, I might be a doctor one day, or an astronaut another, and be living in a house by the river, or in the mountains, never by the sea, with the woman of my dreams, whose face I could never remember. That's how it always begins, with me perfectly happy. Then the spectres appear, dark apparitions I can only see from the corner of my eyes.

Then the monsters. In any guise, in any size. The hounds with their otherwordly cries, on the Last Hunt. A beautiful child who'd have been perfect if not for the stitching around her neck and her shoulders and her waist, and who had buttons for eyes. An abomination who could only have been from a child's nightmare, but who'd always been lurking around the back of my head, all twenty metres of it, with elongated fangs and sharp claws, and horns and scales and blood soaked wings.

Everynight we performed the same ritual, like a grand dance in the ballroom of my mind, whose dancers wearily execute the same steps over and over again. My dream world gradually gets overrun, my house by the river, or in the mountains, would be razed. The woman of my dreams would be torn from my arms and I would not be able to bear looking at her fate, and I would clamp my eyes shut in horror, the final betrayal of the woman whom I would have loved beyond words. And they would close in on me, and I'd be able to feel their hot breath on my cheek, and the gnashing of their teeth, then I'd wake up with the sun shining on my face and my alarm ringing.

And then it'd be night again. An endless cycle of bliss and loss. Then one day I entered the dream, and I knew how it would all end, right from the start. I gazed upon all that I had around me, and I saw with frightening clarity how everything would get swept up by the fury of my nightmares. And I saw too the woman of my dreams, and this time I told myself, no, I cannot forget her face this time, so I focused on each and every one of her features, from her ears, to her lips, her nose, all of it, and lastly the eyes. Eyes so beautiful they could not be of this world.

Go. Go away, I said. She half turned around in surprise, her lips half open as she could not find the words to respond. No. No I won't, she said. The words, the way she said it, broke my heart and almost too my resolve. I took a deep breath, and continued. You have to go. You can't stay here. I don't want you by my side. It destroyed me to say those words, but I had to. I wanted to hold her close and cry into her hair but I couldn't. I stood where I was.

Okay. She nodded. I'm sorry. And she left.

It took all I had, and I was left staring blankly at the walls of a once-perfect house. Awaiting what I knew was inevitably coming. I took solace from the fact that she wouldn't be caught up in it this time. She didn't deserve to have to face my nightmares. That was my job. So I waited. For what had to happen eventually. Except that it didn't.

The sun was up but it felt different. I couldn't seem to recall anything of last night, except the knowledge of what exactly didn't happen.

And then once again night was fast approaching. I didn't know what to expect. Here, now, seasalt in the wind. But there was nothing else but silence. No rumble of approaching hooves. So I stepped out and this is what I saw.

White, red, black and pale they were. And three of four were dead. Sitting astride the pale horse was a woman. She turned to look at me. Her eyes. Your nightmares will haunt you no longer, nor your dreams. I nodded mutely, but I couldn't take my eyes off hers. And then I knew. It must have shown on my face for she then said, Weren't you happy? Everynight, you got to live your dream life. Everynight, you got to love.

Yes, I was. But I was also afraid.

Okay. She nodded. And she left.

___________________________________

Okay hi guys. This is a really weird story. I feel really weird about it. It's nothing at all like I expected it to be. There are so many things that I expected to be in there which aren't. I don't even know what exactly it is I've written cause it bears no resemblance whatsoever to what was in my head when I started it.

This story has its origins in a really crazily good book I had which had drawings/artwork on one page and a mini-story or something on the other side, which would be based on the author's intepretation of the artwork, and it was really neat. I loved that book. So that's where I got the original idea from.

Then I decided to write in the first person, which I don't know how to do at all. You know, all the emotion and thoughts and all. And I thought I'd furnish it with descriptions like you'd do in a primary school composition. And then I thought the title could be Night Mares which meant I had to think up something to do with horses. And then I thought of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. And so it all went haywire. I had no idea what I was doing at all.

Death is the rider of the pale horse. I especially like Death because of Terry Pratchett. The button eyes bit was from Coraline. The idea of someone fighting off nightmares (at least that was what I orginally envisioned) comes from Neil Gaiman again, the one about the cat in either Fragile Things or Smoke and Mirrors.

So the story was supposed to be about a very lonely boy who'd have his nightmares come to life every night. So he met this girl but he couldn't be with her past a certain time for fear of her coming to harm, so he'd have to chase her away every evening. And then the girl would be very hurt and stuff but then one night she'd see the boy wracked by his nightmares and realize what he's going through, and why he'd chase her away. So she ignores him the next day and stays with him into the night, and his nightmares didn't appear, cause they were all only in his head. And then they lived happily ever after.

But I just couldn't seem to write that at all! The story just wouldn't come out, and I didn't know how to do it. So that's that then. I'm feeling quite disturbed now actually, and confused. Maybe I should look at the story another time before I can rightfully say what I feel about it, because now I'm just feeling so troubled over this whole experience (the attempt to write, that is, and the aftermath.)

I've never felt so bad after writing actually, usually I feel a quiet sense of accomplishment or achievement or something, that you know, I managed to create something. Even if it's awful or something (that I'd probably cringe at if I read it again afterwards haha) but this time I feel quite yucky. Ugh. Maybe I just need someone to tell me that it wasn't that bad, cause srsly I'm feeling so awful about this! Oh man. Help me somebody!

Okay I know life is better after sleep SO GOODNIGHT NOW YAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Edit: Haha turns out I had a dream which was quite pleasant, so that restores all the zen I need for the long sku-day ahead hehe. Well pleasant dreams to you folks!

A Little Addicted To A Little Sadness.

2011-10-13T07:35:00.006+08:00

Hi guys. Cooked my first non-maggi meal (not that much of a step up, merely spaghetti haha not some molecular gastronomy haute cuisine blah blah), skipped my first lecture, had my first run, played my first contact, a week of many firsts!

I went to school at 9am yesterday but when I went into the lecture hall it was some biomed lecture or something. I trudged home and checked my timetable, only to find that *gasp* the lecture was at 11 instead. I woke up at 7.30 for goodness sake! I pledged then and there that I wasn't gonna make yet another trip (the road to school is upslope, and 10mins long, plz understand) when... the lecture will be posted online! Hehehe exploit much. 10mins up, 10mins down, CURRAHEE!

Yes, I've just spent 2 days watching BoB (only something as epic as Band of Brothers can use that acronym surely,) that epic miniseries denied me in my youth by my lack of HBO. Seriously compelling stuff, I watched 6hours straight the first day, before mopping up the rest the very next. That wasn't all, I proceeded to g33k out on wikipedia with WWII related stuff, like the Battle of Stalingrad etc (for, I'm quite ashamed to admit, more than 3hours. Thank you wikipedia.) If only I were so into my reading list! I got into the whole thing after watching Saving Private Ryan, and man, that opening scene of the Normandy landings on D-day! Probably one of the most intense scenes in movie history.

I'm gonna follow up with Platoon next hehe! Not my fault at all, since I'm like semi-crippled now, couch potato-natedness is only natural :) Dramamamama sup. I went to play rugby today and got at least 4 stud-marks to show for it, most prominent of which is on my foot, which makes walking such a chore! And my back feels like, idk how to explain it, but I NEED CHIROPRACTITIONATOR NAO PLZZ! Okay I think I just found my new favourite made-up word. Anw stuff like dramamamama comes from Terry Pratchett. Banananana. 'Nanny Ogg knew how to start spelling 'banana', but didn't know how you stopped.'

So yeah. I feel bruised and battered, my back hurts, my foot hurts. I haven't been able to shake off this injury(?) or pain or just general nuisance around my upper thigh which I think I picked up from beach touch! It's been what, 3 weeks now? I can't properly lift my legs sigh. Unles I'm running, then I don't feel it, so clearly it isn't something serious. I ran about 10km yesterday, from home to school to the quayside then along the river. Jealous ey? Pretty scenic, even if I do say so myself, (which I did.)

Have been listening to some random stuff on youtube lately, just clicking on links and stuff and adding them to my playlist. Started with The Pass, which I think is quite a good band. Bloc Party (a re-discovery really) Cajun Dance Party, Futureheads, Maximo Park, Rubik, The Last Shadow Puppets (Alex Turner from teh Arctic Monkeys,) Real Estate, more The Shins, more The Kooks, Los Campesinos, and now Gotye and Kimbra. That's the scary power of youtube, you just click and click and your list grows longer and longer and it's just insane. Apparently Pumped Up Kicks is quite hot now on songmeanings.net, which is where I discovered Somebody That I Used To Know, so hurrey to songmeanings!

Anw my spagetti sauce sucks. I think my overjoy-edness at successfully making my spaghetti may have added a tinge of pleasantness to my dinner experience, but it doesn't disguise the fact that the bolognese sauce I bought is rubbish! I'm not gonna buy housebrand again (in this case it was tesco sigh) although if anyone else tries it and finds it delicious plz tell me! Means I have to refine my technique hahaha. So insecurez about my cooking.

Where should I go during the winter eh? That's jumping the gun abit ofc, since I have no idea whether my exams are pre or post christmas, but surely I can spare a week or two! Maybe I should go somewhere warmer, like maybe spain, or turkey, or greece. (I actually have no idea whether they would be cold as well haha I'm just guessing.) Then again I'd love to see the snowed in landscape of the Scandinavian countries or places like Siberia (too much la I think) or the Eastern bloc or sth.

Still have no desire whatsoever to travel to the US, and I still don't know why! But with my mate basil there, maybe I should reconsider that! I'd much rather visit Canada, so maybe I'll sojourn in Florida (or at least that's where I think he is) midway through a Canada trip for some respite from the winter! Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver etc. Sounds brilliant really, but Europe probably still retains the edge in a head to head. At the least France and Belgium? Could have Midnight in Paris and be In Bruges. Sigh, you may say that I'm a dreamer.

My funshion ceased to function (the pun is pathetic really.) Oh noez. That really sucks. I'm not even beginning to plough through my to-watch list yet!! And all the tv shows too ohman. Maybe I should start on my reading list sigh (the course-related one, not my personal one!)

Anw I'm gonna google "How to wash my shoes" very soon. Because I am mega tard. I don't know how to get rid of the grass stains on my trainers (running shoes) sigh. Do I bleach it or something, and how??? Yeah I know. I am such a domestic turd. My hope is that by the year's end I will be able to swiftly and decisively execute all these household chores. To lead, to excel, to overcome!!!!! I am le noob.

I also read an article on Stanley Millgram's "Obedience" exeperiments, which was quite fascinating. Especially against the backdrop of BoB and WWII. Can diffused responsibility really allow people to do so much? Quite hard to believe, that.

Oh I never mentioned that I saw a streaker last week, while watching the varsity football match. It was a bloody cold night too. He appeared, did push-ups on the field, and was chased away. Stark (naked) raving mad. I'm so punny trololol.

Anw this 9gag is making popular so many things which hitherto had only been known to the most diehard of geeks. Like some of the trollz. And some of the memes. Y U NO L33+5p3AK? It's gonna breed a whole new generation of trolls. Trolling4tehmasses! Cause epic troll is epic. I saw this tumblr full of ASOIAF (A Song Of Ice And Fire, Game of Thrones) memes, which were quite funny really. I don't even know what's going on in the show but after seeing a few of the memes I think I quite get the gist haha.

Addicted to sadness (got this from Somebody That I Used To Know,) I guess that's a possibility. Sounds abit pathetic perhaps, but some people just have a penchant for melo-dramatizing their lives. And maybe some people have sadness as their default state. And there are so many things to be sad about, no? I'm sure anyone could muster (no, not master, that's a tad more difficult) a little sadness.

And sad people produce better artistic work too don't they? I don't recall Beethoven leading a very good life, and I'd be way sad if I couldn't hear the music I was producing. And I guess you have to be mighty depressed to put your head in an oven too. But I don't know, think about it, you probably cling on to some sadness too.

Although maybe that's because great sadness can only come about from great happiness. Or more cynically, great happiness can only culminate in great sadness. Maybe eh?

Anw I just had movie night with my flatmates, well only 2 of them, but it was Shakespeare In Love! Idk how I managed not to watch it until now, but it was fantastic! So funny my goodness. Colin Firth with an earring. Judi Dench (aka M from Bond!) as the Queen, and Ben Affleck haha. I laughed out loud when Lord Wessex went "His ghost, his ghost!!" (ala Banquo) What a brilliant tribute to Shakespeare. And Sir Geoffrey Rush ofc.

Okay unfortunately I have an early day tomorrow, and there's no way Disciplined De is going to miss school twice in succession, so imma sleep now. 0730 projected wakey wakey so I've got a (usually) more than enough 7 hours of sleep, but I also have to recover from all my injuries! My foot, my foot! Goodnight to me, good morning to you guys! *winks* (I think I haven't winked in maybe 34 years, I wish I had occasion to haha!)

You Could Be Teflon.

2011-10-07T07:52:00.001+08:00

How is it that the stupid sticky notes, don't stick at all?! I'd have thought the whole point of the silly thing was so that it'd stick on top of all the pages/windows you've got opened or something. At least it should have that option! Teflon-notes, that's what they are.

Anyway I made a (not so)sticky-note upon waking up this morning, cause I wanted to write down what I'd dreamt about. "weird dream where i was trying to grow long hair but my head looked too small so i abandoned it." How very terrifying! I am in the midst of not-cutting-my-hair cause I want to see whether it is at all possible that my hair be flat, instead of all spiky all the time. Which means I'm gonna have to go through a phase of not-long-not-short hair in which I'm going to look perfectly awful. Hahahaha. In my dream my hair remained stubbornly spiky, so I ended up looking like, idk, the sun or something.

I finished The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake today. Which is the same day I started on it. Which probably tells you all you need to know about the book, considering I had 4 hours of lecture today and reached home at about 4pm. Which also means I will have to purchase more books now HAHA. Portends something awful now, don't it dear wallet!

In a rare bit of curiosity and interest surrounding my blog, Anon asked me how I chose my books. Unfortunately I don't really have a straight answer to that, so I replied with something that was probably wayyyyy too long. Sorry bout that. I'm just not that good at explaining myself perhaps. Still, I like knowing that someone actually reads this, and even responds to it! Not very often I get that, no, le sigh.

BTW did you know the origins of le sigh! Apparently it's from Pepe le Pew, which if you don't recognize, is the Loony Tunes' French skunk lover! zomgz so long time ago.

Maybe you just let it all slide. Insults, compliments, the world. You could be so impervious to it all. But please don't let yourself be Teflon. Then nothing sticks. People get tired of trying so hard, only to slip away, again. Let people hold on to you, sometimes. We're not all bad. Stop fighting so hard to be free, cause absolute freedom is to be found only in absolute loneliness, and we weren't made for that.

It's been getting colder (quite stating the obvious here, I'm such a waste of time and space) and I might have to whip out my coolio leather jacket soon! My hoodie isn't quite powerful enough to stave off the wind, lessons learnt on the extent of what £6 (how annoying that the keyboard doesn't have the sign for pounds) gives you. I'm gonna buy a beanie too, the reasons for that are twofold (a) to keep my poor head warm, and my ears (b) to hide the shockingly ugly (see also: ji chou) hair that I'm gonna sprout in a couple of weeks!

Oh dang I'd wanted to put Love is a Laserquest as the title for my next post, but I went and forgot about it until after I'd thought up this new one. So up it goes on the side there, Theeeeeeee... ARCTIC MONKEYS! I really like the lyrics and the understatement of the song.

"I've tried to ask you this in some daydreams that I've had,
But you're always busy being make-believe"

"When I'm pipe and slippers and rocking chair
Singing dreadful songs about summer"

I like how that describes being old. And I shall proceed with getting old, unfortunately though only for 6 and a ½ hours since I've gotta wake up at 7.30am in the morning. Le sigh!

Prose Over Hoes.

2011-10-03T23:22:00.000+08:00

That was the slogan of the Literature Society or something HAHA. If only I were a literature student, then I could proudly put PROSE OVER HOES as my personal motto or something. The History one was "Good On Dates" or something, pretty cute. I decided I'd try rugby actually, but not with the main team. Like with the Engineers Rugby instead, how cool is that! I'd like to muck about with engineers for a change, instead of hobnobbing with lawyers all the time. I'll be going for my first session later, so I'll let you guys know how that goes, if I'm even in any state to be typing. Maybe crushed and annhilated and destroid or sth, so all the best to me!

No one's gonna believe this but I baked scones yesterday! Three thumbs (if you've got 3, 2 is fine as well) up to me yeh?! I'm gonna end up as MASTERCHEF one day no worries. ANW it turned out quite nicely! We had it with clotted cream or sth, jam, and tea. How stupendously British! The ideal Sunday Tea. Bakers are sexy aren't they! Hahaha I sure hope so.

Anw first day of school and thankfully, it turned out quite nicely as well! Finally met my fellow Singaporeans and Malaysians again. Finished my first assignment as well!!!!!!!!!!! What a shocker, I know! I spent like an hour or so in the library trawling through the catalogues and stuff doing my library exercise. A more Glorious Beginning to my student life you couldn't ask for! I really am going to dig in deep and work hard, I think (hope.)

I also cleaned up The Utter Mess (AKA my room) so it looks quite decent now hehe. I have about 4000 packets of instant coffee as well, I discovered. My mom must think I'm some coffee maniac or something, I think I have enough caffeine here to power a kindergarten or two mebbe.

Okay I'm just gonna sit around staring into space (or fondly turning over in my mind's eye the sight of my golden scones emerging from the oven) while waiting for my parents on skype. The whole point of this post was, really, to inspire the lot of you. Someone like me... From "Yan can cook?!?!?!!" to "Yan can cook!!" Hehe. So obviously pleased with meself. I'm sure this wasn't at all inspirational haha! Anyhoo,

Cheerios!

The History Of Sadness (or Loss.)

2011-10-02T06:11:00.001+08:00

There are three main arcs to the History. The starting points of each of these arcs are:

The Discovery of Love.
The Discovery of Better. (Good was not good enough.)
The First Act of Violence. (Perhaps also the Discovery of Difference.)

By no means are these arcs exclusive to each other. If anything they are impossibly entwined. And with them the fortunes of the human race as well.

There is no man alive who can chronicle the History in its entirety. Nor anything which could contain it. Not man with his mighty pen. Nor computers and their proud terrabytes. They are not enough. But littered throughout the History are many events which bear looking into. They include -

First encounter between man and woman. (Some reports indicate Neanderthals. Others purport their names were Adam and Eve.)

First illness and subsequent death.

War. Of particular note: The Great War (1914-1918) and the Second World War (1939-1945)

Departures at an airport. (Unique entry. Ongoing.)

__________________________________________

This has been lurking around the back of my mind ever since I watched Beginners. I only wish I had the artistic ability to draw them out like Ewan McGregor does, then I could do many more scenes. I was really struggling with what I'd include, some I wanted to but couldn't think of how to aptly phrase. And I thought if there were too many entries it'd be boring as well, although truth be told I'd hit a mental block about a week ago (I typed most of this on my phone, the trusty HTC Snap, on my flight to London which is also why it's a little bit short) and even typing it out I couldn't think of anything else to add. The airport bit is a tribute to Love Actually actually, which is why it doesn't really fit in so nicely.

I didn't use any commas cause I was hoping to achieve a curt, emotionless effect. Not quite as easy a task as I'd expected, I had to be quite miserly with my words, and had to phrase them in an odd fashion sometimes.

I'm quite curious what any of you would have included in the History, actually. And you could probably make one of yourself, and fill in the events. Exam results perhaps. Heartbreak. And then make one on Happiness as well. Birthday. First love letter received (HAHA. If you could only remember the contents.) I'm pretty sure the Happiness one would be so much longer than the Sadness one, in which case all of us should be pretty darn happy now yeah? Cause there's no real reason not to be, not when so many happy things have happened to us. (If your sadness list is longer than your happiness one, I'm so very sorry I put you through such a painful exercise, so very sorry.)

Okay then, that's it for the night then, one thing off my mind at least! Yeyz.

Exoskeletons.

2011-10-02T04:45:00.000+08:00

Wear your skeleton on the inside out, and keep your insect heart secret.

I really liked this line from the book St Lucy's Home for Girls Raised By Wolves, which was sort of a neurotic series of short stories, all very well-written and equally inexplicable. I think the most interesting part of the stories were the endings. Brilliant. Now that I think about it, probably closest thing I've read would be Tim Burton's Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy, which was bafflingly good as well.

I've been a slob (what's new right.) these few days! I've been watching Monk, almost done with season 1 now, watching the X-men all the way from the First One till First Class, and reading one of the 2 new books I bought from WHSmith or sth. It's a thriller, like the sort of paperbacks you'd bring on a holiday, easy reading. The other one is The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake which I'd been seeing around for a bit, and finally bought yeahhhhhh.

That's not to say I've not been doing a bit of sightseeing, heading out one night with my flatmates and newest friends for a walk down to the river, passing the cathedral and other stuff along the way. I'll probably still need quite some time before I get fully familiarized with the place, but I'm not complaining. Quite the pleasant place to get lost in, if ever you were to choose one. I've met a fair bit of Singaporeans/Malaysians on my course, although I've only seen them that one day at the registration. I think if I wanted to, I could have quite a fair bit of friends in these parts.

However I think I've become very accustomed, and perhaps even comfortable being alone. I might even be good at it, how about that? Maybe people, they each have their own expectations of you, and god knows I've never given up a chance to disappoint.

There's this heatwave that just struck, which I totally wasted today. I was totally gonna get into my berms and stride into town (BERMS > JEANS 4EVA) but I came back home to skype/oovoo. First with my brother and sister, then with some of my colleagues, one of whom might not be a colleague very soon-ish. Anyways now it's 8pm here and adios heatwave. Hopefully tmr will be just as sunny eh? Never thought I'd be hoping for sun, funny.

I bought myself my pillow(s!) and duvet already. I went for the double set instead of a single. Best decision ever. The duvet is like so epically shiok, wrapped up as I am like the meat in a Banditto Pockett. The pillows though are a huge disappointment. Huge. >:C They're so bad I'm gonna get myself a new and better and fluffy and springy one. Extravagance! you say. I say to you: Nay, necessity!

I have no idea why people can't pronounce my name right. It's just 5 letters! I sometimes wonder myself how to pronounce my name and what exactly the right way is, damn loser. I guess however the damn I want it to be pronounced eh? But I'm not gonna get some english name cause that would be so conformist, HAHA. I want to be a contortionist, not a conformist. Then again, a contortionist sounds like a euphemism for masochism srsly, I squirm everytime I imagine some guy warping his limbs to try and fit into some jar or something.

Yeah I think an english name would be sort of a change foisted upon me, which I'm not so keen to take up. I won't let my life be run like that, a form of peer pressure I guess. And I won't let my life be run by anything else too. And that's a long list including alcohol, drugs, fags, (colloquial for cigarettes, not the literal meaning) regret, fear, pride, lust, envy/jealousy, anger. (Looking quite a bit like the se7en deadly sins here.) I'm still working on that last one, much to my consternation. I thought I'd be able to work it out of my system by now, but that was just foolish pride wasn't it?

Hopefully one day in the distant future (hopefully not impossibly distant however) I'll be able to tell my kids: You know, your Pa was once an angry young man! instead of y'know, them being terrified to even approach me cause I was just so fearsome and in such a rage all the time. Silly.

And of course I wouldn't want my life to be run by.... an iPhone. Tsk. I promised myself never to get an iPhone and that's something I'm never gonna waver about. Srsly. I think it's something personal, haha! I think I told a few people already of how terrified I am of a world where everything is automated, and I think Apple is the trailblazer on our abject path down to that world of no return.

I wouldn't want to live in a world like that. I'd pack my stuff and hopefully get my brother to come along with me (I'm pretty sure he's with me on this) and set off to an unmolested island which was shielded from twitter and whatsapp and whatnot but miraculously would also have some sheep and various other animals appropriate for subsistence farming and living. Maybe a few heads of ox as well so we wouldn't have to do all the hard labour. And we'd bring along our wives as well, cause obviously if it were just the 2 of us nobody would cook and wash up or plant flowers and stuff, and we'd do nothing else but DotA in our free time. Or get into ridiculous fights which I'd win on account of the fact that I'm older. HAHA.

I have to do a story on The Technology Un-Revolution one day, it's been in my head for ages. It's like I had one where nobody could fall in love anymore because their hearts were removed, then I saw a book called Delirium released recently where love was a disease and they had a cure for it. Which in some weird way makes me quite hesitant to write about it. I think I'm gonna try anyways and probably make a hash of it, but that's alright I guess. I don't think I'm ever gonna come up with any brilliant stuff anyhow. It's sort of an outlet, I guess, for words and expressions that have no other. Or images in my mind that I never seem to be able to put the right words to. So they probably turn out quite rubbish (I think rubbish is my newest favourite adjective, although clearly not if I were to try and flatter some pretty girl or sth) with maybe a few which are half-decent.

I've been having this sense, for a while now, that horrifyingly, I might be over my hill. By that I mean, that I may already have peaked, I just don't know it yet. That life from now on is just going to be this long downhill slope, and I can't do anything to arrest its trajectory. I think I first thought about it when reading Dance, Dance, Dance (Haruki Murakami), which is probably the best book I could have hoped to bring with me to MSTD haha. Nothing like fiction to escape the misery of life, eh? And he mentioned something about people who peaked while in school or stuff like that (it's been quite a while.) I dunno man. I think I've become stupider, or sth HAHA. I think I was smarter back in secondary school, and perhaps at my athletic best as well. Not that it'll be a very fair comparison now, I've been disgustingly glued to chairs/beds/stuff that doesn't involve any muscular effort. But yeah. Perhaps I'm never going to scale the heights I've scaled, and am, depressingly, on a decline now.

But it's right silly to be thinking of rubbish like that, eh? I've still yet to find the love of my life/travelled the world/ et cetera. Hehe wishful thinking never did anyone any harm now did it!

And now... I am wishfully thinking I'll be able to complete something I'd been thinking about. See ya in a bit.

Comic Sans.

2011-09-26T23:22:00.000+08:00

After 20 or more hours spent travelling or in transit, I've finally arrived at what shall be my home for the next few months/years! Haven't slept on a bed since waking up on sunday morning back in singapore, so I'm quite eager to hit the sack soon! Except that I'm greeted with bed sans pillow and sans blanket. Nightmarish much?! First things on my to-buy-list.

I managed to watch almost 5 movies on my flight here, and that was while I was trying my darnedest to cram in some sleep intermittently too. The Lost Bladesman, Don't Go Breaking My Heart, Something Borrowed, Last Night, and X-Men. I thought Something Borrowed was absolute rubbish though. Somehow all the characters end up unlikeable because they're pretty much all morons for the most part.

Okay I really am quite tired. I slept throughout my flight to KL (merely an hour though) and maybe 2 hours tops during my mega 14 hour flight to London, which wasn't very wise at all. I'll update you guys with more (and more interesting as well) stuff another time, grouses about a lack of bedstuffs and a lack of sleep and a rubbish movie probably don't make for very good reading. Okay taim to heet the sak.

New Horizon Ephemeral Style.

2011-09-26T01:55:00.002+08:00

Hullo. Must say that I'm quite surprised (and touched) at all that's gone on these past few days. Been really hectic and all, but without a doubt it's been worth it. I think it didn't strike me how much I was leaving behind (apart from dota ofc, sorry bout that swoonz and ym!) until sometime.. now. But yeah, I love all you guys you all know that right? Hahaha.

My knees hurt. And I have a bruise (source: unknown) on my left arm as well. I srsly was a burden today I think, I was quite annoyed with myself really! Sorry guy and girls! Never imagined myself to be so pathetic on sand HAHA. But a very fun day nonetheless, with magically (for real) lomantic time walking to sentosa as well eh?

I think I shan't be banging on for much longer actually, I'm going to start archiving all the books I have at home soon, so that I won't ever re-buy any books I already have. I'm also going to finish Bleak House within the next few hours! Less than a hundred pages to reach the end, so go me!

Anyhow, I hope the.. well, vibes, I've been getting these past few days don't mean anything at all. I would hate to disappoint anyone, especially those who don't deserve to be disappointed. I think, the product of an over-imaginative mind. Hmm well I sure hope so. But it's not been unpleasant, although that perhaps is the danger. Oh well, that's that.

Okay archiving time, Librarian Chuan has werk to do. I'll see you guys soon (in the blink of a star) so take care of yourselves in the meantime!

PEACE OUT-

P.S Decided to put that list up on my sidebar, in place of that old shelfari widget I scrapped such a long time ago!

You Wanted To Be Tragically Happy.

2011-09-21T04:52:00.000+08:00

Hello almost exactly a month since my last post cause I haven't really got much to say. And because my brother has been hogging the comp, which is a wonder since he's supposed to be in the middle of his prelims. It's quite impressive how much time he spends on the comp instead of hitting the books, although I'm not morally capable of telling him off HAHA. I lost my moral high ground with the advent of DotA. But fret not, airvybody, for I will be leaving the game forevermore very soon, which is not quite as bold a proclamation as if I promise to quit now, but I need a bit more time to get over it!!

Speaking of hitting the books, I just bought Eragon and A Visit From The Goon Squad today. And The Imperfectionists, a Sandman graphic novel, and St Lucy's Home For Girls Raised By Wolves (or sth like that) all from Littered With Books. I had business in the area so I couldn't help but make visits to that most delightful of bookstores. Although I must add that finding it proved to be tougher than I thought and between my multiple visits to the shop, I must have covered almost the whole Tanjong Pagar by now (since I kept taking different routes.) I also had Keen on Crepes one day, which was quite decent.

I also watched Love In Space today. I wanted and didn't want to watch it actually. I thought I'd watch it online, but the MRT stopped its service at Yishun and since I'd already had to get off the train, I thought I'd watch a movie. Have also watched Easy A, The Kids Are All Right, Four Lions, Beginners, Crazy Stupid Love, Zombieland, Shaun of the Dead, Whip It!, Tropic Thunder, Casino, Wu Xia, and probably a few more as well. Pretty decent haul, eh? And I also started watching Monk with my brother (I think we were tired of dota one night), but that traitor went and watched episode 7 and onwards without me. So I guess it's to each his own now!

So my Australia trip went well. I was totally under-budget, spending 900 AUD in total, even after buying a watch for 200 AUD! I guess when you've got friends and relatives everywhere (esp those uncles and aunties and cousins who pay for your meals) money is of no import eh? Anyways my most heartfelt thanks to those who took the time and effort to entertain me and show me places or even to lodge me, be it for half a day or for days on end, all of you were absolutely brilliant.

I'm going to JB tomorrow with my parents and surprisingly (perhaps obscenely) my brother as well. Did I mention he's in the middle of his prelims?! Say what you may about there only being paper 1s left, the very fact you're having prelims means you should be studying your arse off for A levels no? I think we're going for massage and karaoke or sth, I really don't know, but this is the first time I'm traveling with both my parents at the same time in ages! I'll try to be a good boy tmr.

Sometimes inactivity is the greatest wrong of all. Sometimes all we can do is look back and think: I should have done something.

Anyhow, the hour is getting late now, and I should be going, going, gone.

The Cold Air Will Rush Your Hard Heart Away.

2011-08-22T02:14:00.000+08:00

Just back from some mahjong action AKA gombak massacre, and this time I was not the massacre-ee but the massacre-er mohoho. No ZMMT though :( But free chicken rice (famous one) and ice green lemon green tea makes up for it I guess! And woonshin's wallpaper ofc.

Also watched Incendies at Cineme Europa today, after going to the hospital and my aunty's place. Pretty powerful stuff. Of course it isn't very plausible lah, but why would you watch a movie if it's a perfect rendition of reality? Just live a life, man. I also want to watch Four Lions actually.

I ate at GoIndia! at Vivo just now and man... If that's what a Kashmiri lamb is like then I daresay Singapore should have a slice of the pie as well, along with the Chinese, Indians and Pakistanis. I think before I sleep tonight images of sheep jumping over not a fence, but a barbeque pit, and defying all laws of physics, get suspended there (and rotated to boot) for just long enough to be perfectly cooked yumyum. No one can do a curry like an indian. Incidentally is today curry eating day or was that last week? What a palatable event.

Well I've got werk the-morrow so pleasant slumbers you.

On The Streets Of Serenade.

2011-08-21T04:51:00.000+08:00

Just done with some dota (yet again) which firmly cements my place among the dota greats (yet again!) I've gotta get up to go to the hospital at noon tmr to visit grandma, where I will be meeting my aunty who wishes to speak to me. I'm pretty sure her "speak" is gonna turn out to be a lecture instead, so I should fortify myself somehow.

I suspect the lecture will be about how I have to study bloody hard to get myself brilliant grades so that I can earn massive amounts of money, plus minus a few superlatives. Everyone knows how much of a lazy bugger I am, unfortunately. Apparent from the way I haven't booked my flights yet :O Is okay I clean up my act tmr like np.

Anw I realized I lost a few ticket stubs this year, so there's a little bit of a gaping hole in my collection. My friend tells me I'm a junk collector, and he's probably right!

Ang also says my hair is damn BadBoy. Alright! Score! All I need left is to master the DoucheWalk and I'm good to go eh? Baddest boy in town okay. Almost as bad as my Line Birds is good.

I don't know what it is about sembawang waters but after dipping in it I have become uber pimply. The kind of rubbish you can find underwater you have no idea. And when there's an oil spill as well even the surface is no respite, so you can tell how miserably smelly we all were.

Okay I know very incoherent and jumpy hmm? I can't seem to string together more than a few thoughts before drawing blanks, and I am alarmingly hungry as well, so I shall sleep right now because everyone knows late night snax are bad for your figure, and I'm trying very hardly to keep in shape!

OWTV gd nit3.

No, Not Your Lies Nor Your Downcast Eyes.

2011-08-20T18:33:00.000+08:00

Have been on a movie binge of sorts lately, capped off with Rise of the Planet of the Apes (POTA) yesterday. So I think the one thing I took away from the movie was this: PETA or POTA! So let's start being nice to animals (especially hyper-intelligent ones) and not give our hairy counterparts any reason to want to smash us into little bits. Support PETA!

Cowboys VS Aliens is a movie that has managed to transcend its genre. By genre I mean the "VS" genre consisting of such gems as I don't know.. Cobra VS Mongoose or Hippopotamus VS Rhinoceros or sth. I thought Olivia Wilde was a little underwhelming and more than a little creepy however. But Daniel Craig the cowboy has higher-teched gizmos than Daniel Craig the 007 (aka Bond. James Bond.) But ya lah better than I'd expected from a terribad title like that.

Wu Xia was a whole lot better than I thought it would be, whatwith all the lousy ratings people were giving it. It's possible I'm a little partial to Tang Wei, but who cares it's still a good show.

I shall watch Incendies and Beginners and Bridesmaids, maybe even today? Not all today of course, that would be insanity.. or not. I haven't been spending enough time alone I think, as in the proper kind of time where you actually can hear what your mind has to say to yourself, y'know? I've been traveling, or reading, or playing dota, I haven't managed to just.. ruminate. Maybe tonight. Cinema Europa Vivocity here I come!

Okay not, dinner with circle, or semi-circle, or whatever the heck we are left now! Goodbuy.

Here, There Be Dragons!

2011-08-08T17:03:00.000+08:00

Happy National Day Eve guys. I'm quite looking forward to watching the parade tmr, seeing as I missed it last year no thanks to my brilliant brother who convinced me it started at 8:19pm, despite my doubts we'd be able to make anything out in the dark. On TV, of course, which makes me wish I were P5 again eh?

I haven't been keeping up with my incessant blogging for a while now, but that's cause my comp is being shared by my mother, my brother and I. And what little time I do get on my comp I... it's a secret. Then again, since it's probably the worst kept secret in yewtee by now I might as well tell you that I spend all my time playing dota :) whoopsy daisy!

Anw hongkong was very fun thankyouverymuch for asking, and it would have been funner, even funnest, if I didn't have this ridiculous, sad, tummyache the first 2 days. Like appetite -9000 sigh. I still managed to consume quite a number of sumptuously sumptuous food e.g. charsiew pao and charsiew pao. Forgive me, sometimes all I can think about for days is the charsiew pao, true story.

I think that was the most expensive hotel of my life though. Not the most original of names perhaps (Nathan Hotel on Nathan Road doh) but it was plenty massive. As was the TV screen, much to my delight. One never knows how much of a couch potato one is until you plop yourself in front of a huge LCD TV streaming cantonese shows all day long.

Anw thanks amanda for the free tickets ((Y)) and both of you for the company! And for trying so hard to help in my quest to shop. And for not killing me with over-shopping.

I managed to catch Midnight in Paris, Love Actually, and a silly chinese show called The Butcher, The Chef and The Swordsman on the plane rides. Midnight in Paris wasn't quite as enjoyable as Vicky Christina Barcelona and I really only watched it for Rachel McAdam, but I must say that Woody Allen's films are pretty good. I should check out those starring Diane Keaton or sth, those old movies.

And Love Actually was brilliant! I don't know how I've managed to not watch it in all the years since it came out (I was underage when it first did) but I sure am glad I did. I don't think there are many of you out there but if you still haven't watched it, you should.

My brother harangued my into clearing my mess and arranging my stuff nicely so now I've got a brand new layout for all my books and all my nice(ly) useless stuff. I currently have 101 books in my possession! of which 37 are still unread. Which is a horrible statistic, which I have done nothing to improve by visiting the library! Of course if you see a book like One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest then you are very much obliged to borrow it, yes yes. It is unexpectedly smooth reading, so I expect I shall very soon find out what exactly happens to the mad and not so mad men in it. Then I can watch the movie, starring a young Jack Nicholson.

Which reminds me how many TV shows I have to watch. I just started on Psych cause my brother psycho-ed me into watching it. (Sigh I know what a poor pun, oh to what depths I've sunk.) It's quite funny actually. So that makes it the 4th crime/detective show I'm following after Criminal Minds, Bones and The Mentalist. And is the 7th TV show after also How I Met Your Mother, House M.D and The Big Bang Theory. Oh the horror. And since all I do is dota.... I'm such a burden to society srsly.

I did want to alleviate a little of that burden but the bloodbank is closed today so ohwells. They've been sending me messages about a shortage of blood they're having (especially my sweet precious O+ blood) so I think I shall go down this saturday or sth.

Anw I just read about Anne Hathaway being the next Catwoman in the next installation of Batman?!?! That's gonna be an odd pill to swallow. Of course, I'd probably have said this if I'd heard she was gonna be the White Witch in Alice, but that turned out okay. I'd have expected.. someone sexier though, haha. Like... I don't know. Angelina Jolie is too old and too cool probably for a superhero film. Hoo well I really can't think who could be a good Catwoman, you'd need a real sizzler! Like Sienna Miller in her turn in GI Joe, hoo boy.

The only dragon you'd see here is this dragon-sized wall of text, as usual, boring me. I don't know why I keep hearing this phrase in my mind lately though. This and Macbeth's "something wicked this way comes." It must point to the fact that I'm such a dangerous person, yes? Hahaha. In an interview, Nina Dobrev said that girls always go for the bad boy, and while I can't verify that with the rest of the female population it is suffice that she does. Hahaha obsession reaches an all new level. But as of now I am BadBoy92 and I even howl sometimes during the full moon a la Jacob Black and occasionally glitter in the sun as well. Glitter = Free Win.

Alright enough of that babbling, I think I've embarrassed myself enough. More pertinently, one of my dota kakis has very kindly invited me to play so BAI BAI NOW.

Got To Be Good Looking Cause You're So Hard To See.

2011-07-23T03:20:00.000+08:00

Okay hi so I decided I shall stop dota-ing for just this one brief moment in time to blog since I realize I haven't done so in ages. No particular reason for this, and a lack of free time definitely isn't the culprit this time, as I have more on my hands than I can be counted upon to handle. Cue DotA and... No, that's just it. Almost nothing else at all, except for work ofc but surely no one wants to here about something as boring as that.

I must express here my heartfelt gratitude to one Zili for accompanying me to my comms ball, and enduring my most ungentlemanly behavior! I can all too clearly imagine myself instead date-less and most desperate, having to undergo excruciating humiliation and social embarrassment as I canvass my phone contacts/facebook/friendster for someone to ask.

Quite a bit has happened the past few weeks, and it would be unwise for me to try to type them all out especially given the time now and also the time I am supposed to wake up. I wouldn't want to miss breakfast/touch!

So. Lately I've watched Your Highness, Harry Potter 7-2, and Let Me In. In wildly different circumstances. HP7 in Gold Class which was rather too grand (read: expensive) to do often. Your Highness in the tiniest cinema and on the tiniest screen eva, at Lido, which I thought had just renovated no? And still the screen size.. Let Me In was on Funshion on HD which would be brilliant if my laptop had a screen 42 inches wide, but sadly no.

I had to watch Your Highness if only because it features both Natalie Portman and Zooey Deschanel, and since I'm fanboi92 I can't really help myself and my fierce loyalty. I expected the show to be silly and boy was I right! It's pretty funny and the show wasn't bad, but some of the jokes were cringeworthy indeed.

Let Me In I watched because of Cloe Grace Moretz, the girl who put the kickass in Kick-Ass as Hit Girl. It was quite good I think, but perhaps the pacing could have been a little faster. It raises some interesting questions about the nature of evil, comparing her with the bullies.

I watched the trailers for Captain America and it looks good doesn't it! Also Brighton Rock, which seems at least somewhat interesting. I also wanted to watch Elegy but haven't had the chance to do so yet. Sir Ben Kingsley and Penelope Cruz, hopefully in HD on funshion!

Anw I have discovered recently just how disappointing I am. Not disappointed, no, just disappointing. Every time there are those who expect so much more from me, but I fail them at every turn. It is quite sobering. My indifference might shield me from disappointment, but it certainly does not lessen the effect it has on those who care. A whole life of almosts, and I don't seem to care. Sigh.

So. I'm on Bleak House right now, but unfortunately it is not the kind of book you'd sit yourself down into your chair to read for hours on end. It is quite a good read, just not terribly absorbing. Although nothing for sure can beat How Late It Was, How Late in terms of sheer difficultness. I think I spent more than a month on that book, even with the "luxury" or weekends in camp to attempt to finish it.

Charles Dickens is pretty good though, the book being not at all what I expected. Here's a line "(He had) such a delicate sentiment for what was beautiful or tender that (he could have won my heart)" Something along those lines, with the stuff in brackets being probably wrong as I cannot recall with precision what the exact line was. Maybe I will attack Great Expectations and et cetera with more gusto now that I have a bit of experience with him.

Which brings to mind, as I am speaking of a famous writer, of the book I bought at Litteredwithbooks, which is the most delightful of bookshops you could ever expect to find, which is by Ernest Hemingway. I shall read it and then decide on whether I should read the others by him, most significantly For Whom The Bell Tolls, which is famous enough for word of it to have reached my ears.

And before that was Truman Capote with his excellent short stories, so I will probably seek out more books of his. I always find it is so much easier to hunt for reads according to authors. I am always stymied when people ask me how I know what books to read cause I really don't know. I think it's just little nuggets of information that get stuck in your head like when you read of a certain author, or of certain books that are deemed to be "Dazzling", "Wonderful", "The best novel of the 20th century" etc etc. And I have no idea, too, what genres of books I read.

Oh yes I forgot to mention Never Let Me Go. I can't imagine how a movie can be made of the book, whatwith all the unspoken emotion and silent sadness of it all. I can imagine Carey Mulligan in it though, and I assume Keira Knightley was Ruth. It'd be way weird if it were the other way around wouldn't it! I will also read his other books, like Nocturnes and Remains of the Day, if I could only finish the stack I already have. Close to 30 unread books sitting on my shelf now, plizz someone stop me from teh dota.

Okay I have nothing much else I wish to add, and I do really need to sleep so have a good to-night!

Crumpled Letters To Lovers Non-Existent.

2011-07-02T01:12:00.000+08:00

Why hellooo. I'm just home from a whole friday afternoon out, so that must indicate to you my overwhelming glee. Whoever heard of a friday afternoon spent not in camp! Fabulous. I finally made my suit (I'd better look damned charming in it HAHA) and I shall assess the result next week. Watched Transformers 3 quite by accident, apparently my friend wanted me to buy X-Men instead but whoops!

This is one of the rare times I've watched a movie without having seen its prequels, cause I really hate doing that. Like with the upcoming HP7-2. Simplay can't stand not having things done sequentially haha! But since I've broken my duck perhaps I shan't be such a prude anymore. Wall Street 2 etc beckon. Stuff like Kung Fu Panda 2 (too. lousy pun)

Okay the next thing to note of my day was that I stepped into PageOne. Mistake leh srsly. At the first display, I spotted 3 books that seemed worthy of note, and I was quite itching to whip out my wallet there and then. If I hadn't paid the deposit for the suit I'd probably have done it too, but my poverty stayed my hand. Butttt, I saw Breakfast At Tiffany's and since my sister only just mentioned last week that she was thinking of buying it, I did. Seems like a steal, since it comes with 3 other stories too! But so potentially upsetting, because of the paradox of choice. They offered 3/4 different covers and I had to pick whichever of them I thought my sister would like the best. Maybe I should have picked the one which actually had Audrey Hepburn on the cover sigh.

Anyway I've alr begun reading it cause I surely hope to finish it before giving it to my sister! Haha quite cheapo actually, but I'm sure she'd understand. Anw it is literarily quite good, no wonder Capote is so famous. Maybe I shall buy In Cold Blood, I think it's one of those cheapcheap slim small Penguin Modern Classics. I must say that Miss Holiday isn't at all what I expected, probably cause I expected sth conventional from a classic story/film while her charm lies in the completely opposite direction.

"It may be normal, darling; but I'd rather be natural."

While we're on the topic of books, I also wish to add, quite happily, that most of my other books have arrived too! I'm not sure what I'm short of actually, I think they might be 2 or 3 books by Milan Kundera. So I didn't know I was expecting another 3 by Murakami, I thought the first wave brought most of them. Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World - Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman - Underground. That makes a total of 11 books by him that I ordered. Sometimes I can't believe myself. But I am quite happy with myself.

Milan Kundera's Immortality, Jonathan Safran-Foer's Everything Is Illuminated at long last, and Ian McEwan's Amsterdam and Solar. I read about him in a story about some guy who didn't like fiction until he read Ian McEwan or sth like that, and somehow that stuck with me so I decided to give it a shot. The Elegance of the Hedgehog and Sarah's Key I bought rather whimsically, just because I read the blurbs. Then there's Crime and Punishment and The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes which were about US$3 apiece, so I thought what the heck right?

Also my uncle also gave me a book titled A Civil Action (which starred John Travolta in the movie adaptation) as a gift. I'm really quite surprised and deeply appreciative of the support my relatives have shown me. So okay I'm done with harping about my books, which incidentally would now take abt 5 lifetimes to complete instead of only 2.

Today also I went to Commonwealth for dinner, quite by accident. I'd wanted to check out litteredwithbooks but I took the MRT from outram the wrong direction, so I decided not to switch trains and got off at Commonwealth for a lookabout. I don't think I've ever been there, at least not for any substantial length of time. Had curry rice which was nice (not initially intended to rhyme) so it was quite pleasant. Wanted to try some gourmet pastry or sth but I had no more money left in my wallet so I had to forsake it. Seemed terribly interesting, or just very gimmicky.

You know how people always say "Don't look back", today I learnt the folly of those ways. I walked through a market (you know those double sided stalls) and following that adage, I didn't look back, so it was only on my return journey that I saw the tauhuey stall, and it looked good. Triple sigh. Nothing can beat a good tauhuey srsly.

I wanted to donate blood tmr but I remembered that I was coughing. They'd ask me if I was unwell/taken medicine recently and I couldn't lie to them, it'd be heinous. Imagine inheriting a cough from a donor you don't even know, you'd have no one to blame. And since you're receiving blood transfusion you're probably already in a weakened state and the cough might just be the trigger and you'd die, and then you wouldn't be able to blame anyone or anything at all cause you'd be dead. Hexasigh.

I'll probably go check out litteredwithbooks tmr, or booksactually, since I've got nothing on in the morning. RWS after, which is quite the exciting event, esp since I've never even gone near the place! In fact, today was the first time I took a halfway decent look at it, from the roof of Vivocity haha. The only other time was while on a bus on some highway, and I only saw the roof of some colourful castle or sth. Unbelievable, given the number of times we've seen the other side of sentosa from the sea.

I think my memory is failing me leh. I keep half-thinking things and forgetting where they're from. Like I'm thinking of this desciption of a guy as "papier mache" which isn't common at all, but I forgot where it was from. I just remembered it though haha, and it's from Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad. I shall have to try reading it sometime, along with Lord of the Flies, William Golding I think? And that one by the japanese author about some schoolkids or sth, if I could only remember what it was called.

Okay so I have still yet to watch X-men, which I can hopefully remedy soon, and hopefully I can also catch Your Highness in the cinemas. I think I might watch Garden State for my next movie, or maybe The Social Network or it wouldn't be fair to that poor movie haha.

Should I try reading The Complete Tales and Poems of Edgar Allan Poe? My sister bought that a few years back but none of us have ever hazarded an attempt haha. The plastic covering is still intact actually. I know he wrote "Blackbird" or sth of that ilk, which sounded pretty interesting, but I'm not sure how prepared I am for poetry haha!

Actually I've wanted to watch Chicago for a very long time now, because everytime I think about it I wonder why exactly I haven't so far. If I could only make time to watch shows instead of DotA!

Heh not to worry actually, I will theoretically have loads of free time very soon! What an agonizing wait srsly and the agony is real. My poor aching arm! Never knew parade was such a pain :'(

If you should ever look back, walk on. We all look back, don't we? But we cannot stop.

Hmmmmmmm okay fine I shall end here. Ta.

You Won't Find Happiness Here.

2011-06-28T18:48:00.000+08:00

My internet is so pissful now. Can't load anything and I am srsly quite piqued. So I'm only able to type this cause I'm home cause I'm sick cause of a cough virus. Hehe. We returned our laptops in camp alr, so that explains why I can't otherwise do it in camp (and also explains why I decided to succumb to the virus :) Call me Chaokeng Chuan. Life is so boring without a laptop in camp haha. Almost done with How Late, so only 3 more titles left in camp!

BUT! And here is the awesome best brilliant part.. My books from bookdepository have arrived! Whoahaha. 10 of them, that is. I don't know how many that leaves, probably another 13 yet to arrive? Idk how they send it, but all 10 I received were from only Milan Kundera and Haruki Murakami. 2 of the former, and 8 from the latter! I am srsly spoilt for choice now, and I don't know what to start with!

And there are a few books in my sister's collection I want to read too :/ There's Lolita, Candy Girl (by Diablo Cody, Juno if I'm not wrong), The Lovely Bones, The God Of Small Things, The Virgin Suicides (loved the movie), Angela's Ashes (maybe, seems a little boring though :/), Cities On The Plain (also maybe, also maybe boring, but by Cormac McCarthy that's why maybe), Notes On A Scandal (wanted to watch the movie), and The Constant Gardener (also want to watch, Ralph Fiennes with a nose! Think: Voldemort if you don't know what I'm talking about.)

Okay so maybe a bit more than a few books. Sigh. And Kafka On The Shore and Wind-Up Bird Chronicle are bloody monsters too, so bledy thick. I'll take about 2 lifetimes to finish all these books sigh. And my sister apparently wants to bring some of my books over to Melbourne so I'll have to finish off those books first haha! A wealth of options available to me, the good life.

I shall have to shop for a backpack now. Idk 50 litres or what la, maybe I just stop by somewhere to take a look. I have a very elaborate plan to travel to Australia then China now. Okay, "plan" is overstating it, I have an inkling of the silhouette of an idea of what to do. The last great missing piece of the puzzle is $$.

Apparently also, my parents are gonna buy me a new bookshelf! Yey. I think I shall keep my old one to store all the paraphernalia I've accrued over the years (and hopefully continue to, esp with an overseas adventure lined up!) Shall reconfigure the room I think, even though I think the current set-up is brilliant. It isn't even getting stale yet (probably because of how awesome it is) but I think change will do us good! Should change it to a single person room now, or it'd be such a waste, poor brother.

I spent all my time sick at home playing dota actually, which srsly is really an idiotic thing to do. Terrible. In my defence it must be said, if I weren't to bledy good at it I wouldn't play it so much! Hahaha what a non-defence. But srsly. After every game I think, wow I was goood! and decide to throw my hat into the ring one more time. And one more time. And and and and. What an idoit. I've decided to give it up sometime soon. Just not now... not yet :)

Since we're on the subject. Perhaps there are some things that we just must give up. All the signs point to it being a pointless venture, an exercise in futility, to your giving up. But still.. Some things you just cannot give up, you know? You cannot bear to. Even when you tell yourself to, you try to convince yourself to, you just cannot seem to, and what do you do then? Damn the things that are irresistible and unattainable. What do you do now deyan?

It's just some things seem to promise so much, so much more. And the only option left to you is the one you refuse to take. Some things are worth fighting for. Well.

Anw Flipped was such a pleasant movie. I expected it to be funnier, cause it was under the comedy section, but even though it wasn't exactly laugh-out-loud funny I found it very enjoyable. A warm and fuzzy story of young love! So hard to find such a pure and innocent movie now, dontcha think. Everything set against a backdrop of sex and sin and vulgar violence. Or political. Ohwells.

You were meant to leave for so much more. I thought of that while listening to Switchfoot, and who knows, perhaps it rings true.

557 steps.

2011-06-21T01:28:00.009+08:00

557 steps. That is the number of steps he takes to reach the train station. 23 minutes. That is the time the 7:20 train takes to reach his workplace. Monday to Friday, everyday without fail, that is what he does. That is what he has done for the past 20 years. Like clockwork, 557 steps, 23 minutes, the 7:20 train, 8-5 daily. Nothing changes.

He does not take sick very often, and when he does he informs his boss promptly. He never causes a fuss. His boss likes him, and so do his colleagues. Nobody ever says that it might be due to his lack of ambition. He is perfectly content where he is, and they are perfectly content to let him stay where he is.

He has a wife waiting for him when he reaches home at 5:43pm everyday. She welcomes him with a "You're back" and dinner. After dinner he settles down to watch the television, while she clears the dishes. Sometimes when she is done, she joins him on the couch. Some days he reads the papers instead. She does not join him when he does that.

She and he are without child. He says he does not blame her, and she says likewise. But sometimes, secretly, each holds the other to account.

If you were to ask him if he loved her, he would say yes. But there would be a slight pause before he says so. And if you were to ask him the same next year, the pause would be a little longer. That pause gets longer every year. But always the answer remains, like those 557 steps, the same.

Perhaps he does not lie. But his is a love dead. A love left dry.

Many years ago he did not merely love her, he was in love with her. He loved her with all his being. He longed to hold her in his arms. He lived and he breathed for her. They were in love, and they were happy.

But time, and life, has its way of dulling the keenest emotions. Happiness made way for contentedness. Love, for affection. A marriage built on love has now become something mechanical, and it goes like clockwork, devoid of heart and soul. And this is how it is going to end, 557 steps at a time.
__________________________________________________

I actually had the idea in my head for this story for almost 2 years now, I think. It came about from Yeah Yeah Yeah's lyrics in the song Skeletons: Love left dry. Ever since I'd heard that I wanted to write something about a love left dry, but never could bring myself to do it, and when I did I couldn't complete it.

I tried last year, while backpacking in Malaysia. I was at Ipoh for a 4 hour+ stopover while waiting for my next bus, I think. Or I might have been in Penang. Anyhow, it was either the fact that I was writing by hand (my handwriting is rather off-putting, and it is srsly tiring! I'm more accustomed to tapping away at a keyboard anyhow) or the fact that I just wasn't in the right (write) (terrible poon I know) state of mind. Or a combination of both. Anw my book got wet and what I did write that day got all smudged and disgusting, so I had to start anew here.

Actually my story is based in part (large part, to be honest) on a book I read about this guy who knew exactly his daily routine e.g. time of train, seat he took on the train, faces he'd see on the train etc. I really cannot remember what book it was, it might have been A Spot Of Bother? Aiya I don't know la. Anyways, if anyone knows what book I could be referring to please do tell me, I hate not knowing stuff like that >:O [actually if you look at this smiley the other way round (tom-ba-lay or however you spell that haha) it actually just looks like any old stickman instead of an angry face. Cool right!]

It is supposed to be read like.. a report, I guess. Without variation of tone or any emotion. Dry. That's what I was striving for, anyhow. I intentionally used the present tense (as opposed to: There was a man..) I don't know why I did it or what purpose it serves though, hopefully it reads better this way. I only used the word "they" twice, at every other instance I separated the He from the She.

It was supposed to be about a love which over the years has been ground down, and which might not even exist anymore. (Any lingering affection might be just that, affection, instead of any real love.) About how being content and leading a routine mundane life will slowly kill you. (You just don't realize it.) How there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.

I might have overdone the "557 steps" bit but that's cause I chose it as the title. It could have been "Love Left Dry" instead, which would have been much more natural and was also the original title for the story in my head, but I went with this instead. I think titles mean alot to me, ever since the secondary school days when we were writing English compositions (instead of nonsense GP yuck.) The title would usually be the centre around which my story revolved, and oftentimes the punchline as well. I wish I managed to salvage my secondary school compositions, I think they were quite good, even if I do say it myself haha.

Er, okay. May I just add that "keenest emotions" refers not just to love and joy, but also perhaps to hurt and despair as well. So.. take heart?

Right-o, goodnight then.

Your Good-byes Filled My Eyes.

2011-06-19T16:32:00.004+08:00

Okay I am in the middle of ironing my clothes now and I decided to stop cause I was getting so annoyed with my stupid shirt!! Most ridiculously un-ironable shirt in existence, I think it's gotten worse as time goes by, probably cause it's feeling so smug about itself now. One day I will personally destroy you, or throw you away, just you wait! For now I have no choice cause it's the only shirt I have to book out with. Hopefully in the time I've been away from the world sentiments have changed and hobo is in now, then I'd blend right in yey. Otherwise, RAGE.

That may have given you the false sensing that I've been a useful, practical person today, but the sad truth is that I wasn't. I woke up at 6, which might scream diligence! but in actuality is because I slept at about 10 maybe? Actually I have no idea what time I slept cause I didn't really care and didn't bother about the time either. That's what happens when you have exactly nothing to do. Like me. Bother.

Woke up, broke fast, came back up, watched movie, took a nap, woke up, realized it wasn't time for lunch, took nap, woke up, ate lunch, attempt to iron clothes, the here and now. How about that for sloth?! I must say I'm not exactly proud of myself now! Yesterday I watched another movie and washed my clothes. Full stop. Burden or?

I finally watched King's Speech (which I'd intended to watch before I sailed :O) in its entirety, and it was brilliant! I think Colin Firth was magnificent as the stammering king. And there was Blackbeard too (whoever the captain of the black pearl is, Geoffrey Rush anyways, I just found out it's Captain Barbossa ohwells) I wouldn't call it an epic, not on the scale of LOTR etc, but it was a very good show with very good acting.

I also watched Taken (AT LONG LAST!) which I hadn't cause the one on Funshion was in espanol. I wasn't disappointed in the least, a really tight movie (roughly 90mins) and Liam Neeson looks like a young Harrison Ford doesn't he?! I never knew Qui-Gonn Jinn and Indiana Jones were intergalactic siblings. Oh yes, who noticed Peter Pettigrew in the King's Speech!

Oh and I believe I woke up this morning only cause I had this dream. I dreamt that I'd had my breakfast! Probably confused some alert brain cells which fired off some neurons to go check on my stomach, only to discover that lo! it was empty, thereby waking me up. Power of the unconscious indeed. Anw I woke up quite unsure as to whether I'd actually eaten or not, then decided I couldn't possibly have mustered to strength to troop downstairs for breakfast without my own certain knowledge.

I'm gonna watch Flipped next, the Social Network having been put on the back burner for a while. I don't know why, I've had it loaded since like tuesday. But I've not really been in the mood to do anything lately, haven't been watching as many movies as I thought I would, not really reading either, this entire weekend has been like one big snooze-fest, which is truly disgusting I know.

Been listening to mostly Brit bands lately, there's this something about their rock bands really. From The Beatles to Oasis and the Arctic Monkeys. The Wombats, The Libertines, The Vaccines, The Rifles. Never knew that TNAF were NZ, the only thing I associate with NZ music is Sixpence None The Richer's (or rather, Crowded House's) Don't Dream It's Over haha. I think it was used in an ad or sth.

And I watched Empire of the Sun's music videos for the first time and I am well and truly bewildered. Psychedelic, man. Blue swordfish scampering around and stuff. Psychedelic always reminds me of Across the Universe e.g. Being For The Benefit Of Mr. Kite!

I'll be released for a few hours later and I'm meeting machowong and mucholim (mucho being a euphemism for well, y'know :) Been ages since I've last seen them, or anyone else for that matter. In this interim I have missed Macbeth in the park, Green Lantern, and probably lots more as well, they just don't have the heart to tell me. Oh yeah lots of touch on saturdays too, although that has less to do with confinement than with life in general haha. I've gone what, 3 times since last july? Horribbbler.

Sigh I still have no idea when the scholarship results are gonna come out. I don't dare to do a thing in the meanwhile, cause I really don't know how it's gonna turn out. A little bit of anticipation, a little bit of trepidation, a mess.

There's also this 10x400m coming up this week and I sure hope I don't make a fool of myself haha!

Gotta get ready for liberty now, I still have my ulcers ow bye.

Let's Dance, Not Romance.

2011-06-17T02:53:00.000+08:00

I was actually meaning to blog last night before heading to bed, but I foolishly did not sleep at all, which meant I did not get on my laptop at all. We'd kept awake to see the blood moon, only to be thwarted by firstly some massive cloud cover, in the vicinity of 7 oktas or sth bloody hell, and thereafter by sheets of pouring freezing rain which left us shivering and scampering for cover. Therefore we not only NOT managed to see the blood moon, we were cold and wet, hungry ofcourse, and we didn't sleep to boot. It's srsly something to be able to talk nonsense with each other till we forgo sleep, I just can't tell if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

So. Tears do not come easy to a man. It cannot. It portends something terrible. This last week, I have seen men cry. My father, and my uncles, they cried at the final farewell. And it broke my heart to see my father cry, that most stoic of men. He wept and I grieved for him. I think this is the first time I've ever seen him cry.

This week also, 2 of my friends were put out of course. Chor Hao who's a bro, one of the confinee club, merrymaker and silly-stunts extraordinaire. I would have fought with him to the very end. With his departure MIDS Wing is no longer the place it was. Good times, bro. Our 6/7/8 (I cannot rmb clearly) weekends together was an epic ride. It is the end of an era.

At least he gets to study architecture now, which he'd said he wanted. I know he'll definitely make it one day, just not as my colleague I guess. I hope everything turns out well though.

And Willie. He cried as he spoke to us yesterday. I don't know what to say. We none of us are as hardworking as him, but he had to go. He really puts me to shame. I am truly sorry that he is gone now, I think he deserved so much more. But life's like that sometimes. Sigh.

Well moving on. Yesterday we had a mini-competition among our divisions. Watersports day. I discovered how insane swimming sprints is. After just one length of the pool I was totally drained, my limbs were like trembling and I was out of breath. I thought: Oh god, how am I gonna make it back?! So I had to breaststroke my way back, cause I'd probably have died if I'd tried to front crawl instead. What a humiliating experience HAHA. Damn shag srsly.

And tomorrow (today now) we're going to the Society for the Aged and Sick for some community service. I am leading a team whose mission is to clear the Front Garden. Kool kia. Call me Gardener Chuan from today on. I think I'm supposed to clear unruly weeds or sth like that :O Damn exciting man.

Anw I was just a little into The Social Network when megavideo stopped me. I'm so annoyed with that bledy website. So now I'm a little into The King's Speech and I hope to goodness that the same thing doesn't happen again. Anw I'm surprised how normal Helena Bonham Carter can look HAHA. After all those Tim Burton/Johnny Depp collaborations (think: Sweeney Todd, Alice in Wonderland, and even Fight Club) She is a brilliant actress though. I've only watched 8mins of it so far haha.

Oh btw I had no idea the phrase: tango with the rango, actually appears in the movie!! Srsly wut. It is a good movie though, quite enjoyable. I think Johnny Depp can do no wrong.

I'm still heroically wading through How Late It Was, How Late, past the 100 page mark already! I just haven't had the time to have a good sit-down and actually read it now, I'm alr past the stage where it's painful to read it cause of the slang/accent.

I like this line from The Kooks: Safety pins holding up the things that make you mine. Maybe it's the way it's sung or sth.

And the Hurts with: I'm only gonna let you kill me once. What a way to put it eh? I think I agree, and maybe that's way I was so.. adamant. Nothing came of it, however, so I guess it didn't even matter. Haha ohwell.

I have 2 ulcers in my mouth now and it is soooooooo bledy annoying. I have to smile carefully now HAHA. It is just desserts for me cause I spent the whole of tuesday night laughing at another friend who had his constipated face on due to his ulcer. Bugger'd.

I'm not sure if I can suppress my anger for very much longer. I think one day there will be an explosion, and it will be a disaster for all of us. I still think I'm right though. I just don't see why this has to happen again and again, and again. I've been out what, 2/3 times in the last 3 months? And this.. Bah. I know I'm not supposed to feel like this but still. I think some things go way past the line.

Gah. Anw my friend made a terrible joke yesterday night, he said: This only happens once every red moon. -___- Hahaha damn poor.

Okay I think I have arrived at the end of my post. The Wombats are pretty good I think. I think I should do something, inaction is as culpable as a wrong action, sometimes. Hmmmmm. G'night then.

The Lot Of Children.

2011-06-11T18:29:00.004+08:00

It is the lot of children to watch their parents pass away. I cannot imagine the day that this should come to pass. My grandfather passed away on friday. I wonder what my dad is going through now. In the space of 1-2 years he's lost a brother and a father. I cannot imagine what I would do were I in his place.

I wish I could be with my father now, providing what comfort I can. But I'm not. I'm stuck in camp, because of my colossal stupidity. Me and my confinements, which I had taken to wearing like a badge, and now what is there to be proud about? I shouldn't be here.

Does my father know I grieve for him, his loss? My fear is that he doesn't. If I only were a better son.

So we were at Our Church of the Lady Lourdes, which was quite a pleasant place. That was the first time I went to that side of Bugis though, which is quite pathetic really. At least I had good bak kut teh before booking back in to camp.

And I've just watched 3 movies, which is quite a feat dontcha think? Actually it's cause they were none of them 100% buffered and we were jumping between 3 different movies, which is srsly such a pain in my neck's ass. So I watched Hanna, Water for Elephants and Red Riding Hood, of which Hanna was the only one I really wanted to watch.

I mean I like Reese Witherspoon, but Edward Cullen.. My friends and I were remarking every single time he gave that "I am a sexy beast e.g. vampire" look. And his name was Jacob so he must have been a vampwolf or sth. But the truly the most remarkable crime committed was by Cristoph Waltz, for he stole every scene he was in. But aiya, he might be typecast as exactly this sort of character after such sterling performances in Inglorious Basterds and this. Reminiscent of Daniel Day Lewis in Gangs of New York, a little.

Red Riding Hood was pretty meh. Wasn't very scary, wasn't gory, wasn't very romantic, just very dark. And dark is very bad when you're watching a pixellated version online, like 128x96 or sth. Btw Amanda Seyfried (sp?) has scary eyes, I don't see how she's pretty at all :/

And Hanna! Cate Blanchett was awesome, and so was Saoirse Ronan, srsly how old is she?! The soundtrack was pretty crazy, and some of those scenes were epilepsy-inducing. The movie was quite like Bourne, actually, which is a good thing.

Now I'm loading King's Speech and Rango. After that will be Tangled. I might watch Fair Game simply cause it's yet another spy movie, and because of Sean Penn. Er I think that's more than enough to have on my plate right now.

"So you lost your trust
And you never should have."

I wonder if that means never to lose your trust, or never to trust at all.

Anyways goodbyes, shall tango with the rango now.

A Hundred Passions To Pursue.

2011-06-08T22:09:00.003+08:00

Gee, I'm feeling mighty tired right now. I don't even know why, it's been a pretty lame day thus far, not in the least strenuous at all. We did discuss disney songs today though, entirely of our own accord and not at all part of the training schedule. I think my friends know waaaaaay too much about all those old disney shows i.e. all the song lyrics, and also the lyrics to songs from mary poppins etc. So creepy HAHA.

Okay. Awesome possums, magnificent elephants, pleasant pheasants. Btw it's so hard to read a book that's written with an accent. I couldnay understand yin wee bit, ye know? I'm sure I'll get the hang of it by page 30 or so, but until then.. You should read Clockwork Orange by the way. That's what I call taking things to new and fantastic and interesting heights.

My internet is srsly damn slow, like maybe 2 electrons per second or sth, 0.00002bytes/s. So annoyed cause I can't play my game properly. Therefore I think I'm going to sleep. At 10pm. Maybe I'll wake up in the middle of the night and continue this?

Sigh really need to get confirmation before I firm up any plans like applying for a visa etc. Then my mind can be at peace and I can happily start planning out what to do with my leave. I'm prettaye sure I wantsta go to beijing now, and before that hongkong with the rest. Also my final day of confinement, bar more retardity by mine own self, is the 25th of June. Say: Hah. Lay. Loo. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

Can finally start living life again. Although surely not to such stunning effect e.g. Woonshin with a guitar, but still it's a start! I think I'm gonna travel around singapore in earnest now, since I've done about a third of the east side alr. If every weekend I visit 2/3 new places, that makes alot of new places! Terrible arithmetic, I know, but wtv.

Although I do have to balance that out with saving money too, which requires, I dare say, a little more delicacy with my mental sums. Ohwells reality is a harsh and cruel place to be.

Okay my mind is drawing blanks now, quite spectacular ones even if I do say so myself, but blanks nonetheless, so I think I shall go to bed now.

Plonk!

Aha true to form, I have woken up and it's 2:34am. I am also starving. One of the pitfalls of waking up in the middle of the night I guess, there's no one around to offer you food. Oh bother. And when you've been confined for so long, as I have, you realize that your personal stock of food is actually, well, non-existent.

But since I'm going for shore leave tmr, make that today, things are looking up indeed hehe. Maiden physiotherapy session, exciting much. Although, of course, the word physio doesn't paint a terribly exciting picture.

Okay so my chapalang website offers me quite alot of movies that I want to watch, much to my surprise, mostly from the last 2 years only though. I was spoilt for choice and quite stumped, until I saw Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. I guess if you're starving in the wee hours of the night Michael Cera isn't the worst you can do, haha.

Idk if I want to watch Rabbit Hole, I want to watch True Grit, there's Burlesque, Social Network, King's Speech, Tangled(!!! Still very upset with myself @ not watching it on the big screen.) Never Let Me Go I intend to watch only after reading the book, which I have bought a-whiles back but is lying neglected somewhere at home (the word home brings a tear to my eye now :') Then there's Hanna with Cate Blanchett and Saoirse Ronan, Unknown with Liam Neeson and Diane Kruger, Your Highness (sounds like a terribly silly movie, but look at the cast!) X-men ofc, like any boy would, Sunset Limited perhaps, oh yes Rango too.

And these are just the movies I found on a chapalang website. So there's no time to lose! And I'll be off to watch Scott Pilgrim now, yeeeeeeeeeah. G'night all!

Edit (2) @ 5:17am - What can I say?! A show after mine own g33k h3art! Too much epicity and ridiculousness in one movie, I couldn't ask for more. I think the tagline says it all: An epic of epic epicness.

So get ready for the third fare thee well in one post..... Good morning and good bye guys. Have a pleasant pheasant day.

The Sky Is On Fire, And Your Heart.

2011-06-07T02:19:00.006+08:00

I shall do a little update here cause I'm feeling restless and at 1:47am, honestly there's not alot else to do. Aforementioned tudou doesn't actually work so I'm feeling abit of a turd now, having made such bold proclamations in that last post. But I did find some chapalang website and watched The Adjustment Bureau and Heat, so I'm not 100% turdlike, just vaguely so.

I quite liked Emily Blunt in the show! Or maybe that's just her character, but I must admit, it's that English accent too probably. Pretty good, if abit rushed and it doesn't feel very er, complete or sth. Apparently it's based on a short essay called.. The Adjustment Team, by the author of another story called Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep, or sth like that, which spawned another movie, which I cannot recall. Useless bits of trivia orbit me like moons, not just a puny one moon like the earth, but the numerous (I cannot rmb the number HAHA lousy trivia-ist or what) ones that orbit... Saturn maybe? (Please tell me that Saturn does indeed have multiple moons.) Aiya my brain sort of sucks atm and I can't rmb all the things I wish I could, and I refuse to demean myself by looking to Yahoo! or Google for answers, at least not this time!

A very young Natalie Portman was in Heat, actually, but she didn't feature much so I shan't wax lyrical about her today. Instead it was a masterclass (masterclasses?) by Al Pacino and Robert De Niro, those 2 screen legends. Were they in Godfather together, or was that Marlon Brando. Nevermind. I thought Robert De Niro sort of looked like Agent Rossi from Criminal Minds though haha. Probably nothing of the sort, just my brain flagging me (and probably mildly berating me while it was at it) to start watching my TV serials again. No time to live, srsly. I typo-ed that and wrote no time to love, actually, which seems to me like a sinister coincidence. Hahaha.

Anyways IPPT today and it was a credible showing i.e. un-incredible. Certainly, credible nonetheless. Was aiming for honour board for chin-ups (such ego, I know! can't help myself) but I failed, although I did do 22 which is a personal best for me! Not that 22 is a particularly awesome pb but I'm pretty pleased with myself, so I couldn't be bothered really. 9:1x/9:2x for 2.4 which while a long ways off my pb, is the best 2.4 I've run in months, which says quite alot about my current state of fitness (non-fitness, to be exact.) I doubt I'll ever run 8:43 again though, my strong suspicions are that I have gone over the hill. Hahaha quarter-life crisis much?

But I did spend yesterday with a bad ankle. When I woke up, to my huge disappointment, it hadn't gone away. I wuz hoping it would like slink away in the dead of night in deference to the upcoming IPPT but noooo, it just wouldn't. Bad Omens. (Incidentally I've just finished I Shall Wear Midnight which was a laugh a minute, as Terry Pratchett is wont to do.) And now I have a shin splint, or if it isn't one then it's something eerily similar to it. I'm like a bunch (206, if I'm not wrong and if I rmb the title of the book by Kathy Reichs correctly, who is actually Temperance "Bones" Brennan, the real life version that is) of sad brittle bones strung together by cartilage and muscle and whatnot. And my thigh muskles sort of hurt too :(

Physio on wednesday I think, so I'll get to see the outside world for abit! Only NUH and its premises, probably, but what the heck right? I'm so deprived as it is boo-hoo-waily-waily.

I have only 4 books left to read now. Never thought I'd go through my books so quickly but it appears we suddenly have a deluge of free time (Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup) so I'm not sure if they're gonna hold out. Bleak House seems like bleak reading though, or at least it doesn't sound like like easy going. And a Russian author with Dr Zhivago? Wonder how that'd go. Which reminds me I haven't told anyone at home about my massive purchase online, maybe I shouldn't and let them have a shock when they realize I have done online shopping from within the confines of camp, like the right idiot I am. I'm sure my sister would be positively gleeful though! (Come to think of it, there is such a thing as negatively gleeful isn't there e.g. when someone is gloating or maybe in the process of scamming someone.)

Er I'm really hungry now, and I know some people say If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, but in this case I'm absolutely clueless as to how to go about joining the Hunger Faction, or Team Famine, or wtv, so I shall do the only other thing a wise man should do i.e. run away. In my defense it must be said that brave men aren't brave for long because 1) they get massacred/annihilated/destroyed 2) they get brutalized/murdered/thrown to the wolves 3) they run into generally unpleasant things. Actually, they're pretty much all the same point, but it is a strong point.

So this is me fleeing back to the Motherland i.e. Slumberland which sounds like a great place to be. If it truly is the Motherland then that means that our waking moments are actually just us on holiday, or a vacation, a get-away from Slumberland, because sometimes people get tired even of dreams. Alright, that's all. G'night!

Cathedrals In My Heart.

2011-06-05T15:12:00.000+08:00

Happy gloomy rainy sunday airvybody! Ahh, to be able to sleep in :(camp): (dual sad face there) on a lazy sunday afternoon, such is life.

I've been addicted to this online game HAHA. I've been playing it for the last few days, I think from tuesday onwards? The geek in me is happy, therefore I am happy too. My username is g33k5 (geeks) how about that?! I am shaping up to be a legend, don't mind me now.

Other than that, I've also started on A Hat Full of Sky, which means I have only 4 books left unread on my shelf! That's actually an untruth. Or the partial truth, which oftentimes is worse still than an outright lie. Anyhow, by shelf I mean my cabin shelf here in what has turned out, unfortunately, to be my permanent place of residence now, OCS.

I still have a number unread at home, perhaps 7 or so? And get this, I just visited this dastardly website www.bookdepository.com and *poof* USD$200 was gone. Yes, that was no typo, TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS WTS. I think there were about 15-25 books in my cart at checkout. I sometimes doubt my sanity, or rather, my possession of common sense. Online shopping is such a cunning consumer trap!!!!! Free shipping, 10% discount etc etc. Connivers and schemers all of them!

Sigh have not watched any movies lately. No Pirates on the big screen in 3D for me sigh sigh. Can't even watch in camp now, since fastpasstv has been banned (did I give myself away somehow!) Oh wait. Mr Resourceful has just discovered that tudou actually still works hehe! Woooooooohoooooooo. I think I shall attempt to catch up on all those TV serials, right after I'm finished with 50 first dates :D I've always like Drew Barrymore after Donnie Darko.

Anyhow, The Kooks are pretty good! They sound like hobbits, really, it's that brilliant accent! My youtube playlist is like 156 strong, and I have none of them on my mp3 sigh. What a lousy excuse for an mp3 eh! Wish I had managed to buy the iPod touch 3g man, stupid new models and their cameras :( Although I suspect if I had, I'd be huddled somewhere in the corner of my cabin now, tapping my screen furiously trying to complete yet another lamegame. As compared to my staring at a computer screen all day long. Er. Lousy comparison.

So there's The Shins, Everything Everything, The Black Keys, Cage The Elephant, The Bird And The Bee, Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve, the title of which I never knew, nor the artiste. I'm sure you'd have heard of the song before, even if the title isn't instantly recognizable (unless it's just me who's been living in ignorance haha.)

One more month to commission and I am so happy-ah. Almost all the high-key events over now. But still life is such a drag, and I can't wait to get out of here. Gah.

Anw the word cathedral always brings to my mind Keane's Is It Any Wonder,

Nothing left inside this old cathedral,
just the sad lonely spires.
How do you make it right?

And it sounds to me like a word which connotes something hollow. Sure, they look grand and are steeped in culture/heritage/history etc etc. But it sounds like there are great chambers within, high-ceilings, which reverberate silence. Resounding echoes of nothing. And if you were to step inside you'd feel wowed, perhaps, but also so small. Too small. The reverent, perhaps oppressive, silence which means you cannot raise your voice above a whisper. Huge halls of hush.

Okay let's not get away with myself.

In the blink of a star we shall be old and broken. I thought that was a beautiful expression to describe our transience, our ephemeralism. What we have now, will be gone before we know it. Time makes a mockery of us all, it laughs at us. So let us be happy, and live a life of gaiety. Let us laugh with Time. Let us leap at the half-chances and spring to the lost causes, for regret is Time's greatest joke of all.

So you were. Intimating and imitating love. And we all fell for it, completely, a confederacy of dunces. Is it better to believe in a beautiful lie or to believe not at all?

IPPT tomorrow how exciting is that! Good-bye airvybody.

I Was The Perfect Prologue.

2011-06-02T00:52:00.005+08:00

Whoaaa it's only wednesday?! Tomorrow it will be thursday and also the end of the week, well not technically, but for us it's pretty much so. Seems like we've been working for 2 weeks in the last 3 days, so hurray! I just missed dinner cause I slept through it, not the first meal I've missed since the start of the week due to sheer fatigue. Sleep > Food. At least that is the case for this week, I'm sure if you ask me next week and offer me roti prata at 3am I'd gladly sacrifice my sleep. But just for now, SLEAP PLEEZ! 4 and 5am nights so much hell on the mind.

Hello real thursday! And those most precious of words, enforced lights-out! You have no idea the amount of blessed relief those words provide to us poor dying midshipmen. But iz okay the suffering will be over super soon hehe.

Okay I have 8 confinements left to serve, which means 4 weekends, but I have only 5 weekends left in OCS. That basically means I'm serving out the rest of my time here, stuck in camp like a loser. I think socially speaking, my power level is ~ -9000!!

I've been reading The Russia House by John le Carre (how do I insert that e with a tick on top a la Pokemon's e?) which I know seems like not the wisest course of action for someone denied sleep so brutally, but who can deny a good spy novel! Spies are one of my indulgences (think: Salt and Bourne!!) and I remember The Spy Who Came In From The Cold which was a pretty good movie based on his book.

Doesn't it strike you sometimes how you seem to be the perfect prologue? You set the stage. Introduce the main characters (of whose company, unfortunately, you do not belong to.) And then you are gone, you never come back. You might even be forgotten.

Or sometimes, you seem to be playing the bit part. An irrelevant part of someone else's story (more fool you, who thought you were the leading man!) Who will appear in the credits only as "Boy #1" or perhaps "Man in blue shirt"

Do you ever smile a wry greeting to a former lover? When you see or hear or think of something that reminds you, and you cannot help but smile to yourself, and maybe rue anew all the what-ifs and could-haves (should-haves too?)

And anw I'm so annoyed with myself for picking at my scabs. There my elbow was, well on its way to a complete healing when my idiot fingers had to go exploring and start peeling it off, and now my elbow looks like a disfigured pangsai. Possibly it's a reflection of human nature, that always we peel our scabs and never really allow ourselves to move on cleanly. Something like that.

Alright then. That shall be all, the enforced lightsout having been none too well enforced hehe. See ya'll (not happening.)

Oh have I ever mentioned, that 7 quarters of the things I say are nonsense? Haha sorry so lame I know.

Oh yes Birdy's cover of Skinny Love is pretty good too, apparently she's 14 or sth?!

Every Street Lamp A Fatalistic Warning.

2011-05-29T16:41:00.000+08:00

My word, just woke up from an about 8-10hour slumber! Have not had such sleep in ages, and boy does it feel good. Although in the course of doing so I have missed the Champion's League (which I intended to stream) sigh. Whatever it is, GLORY GLORY BARCELONA!!

Actually I didn't intend to sleep so early, so intent was I on finishing Life of Pi, but I just kept dozing off and I slept with the lights on hehe. So lazylike. So I'm maybe about 30-50 pages from finishing it, then I can embark on yet another book. My shelf has 9 books right now, of which 7 are as yet unread, and this is just in SAFTI! I can't believe the number of books I have bought even in the midst of confinement(s).

On a sad note, it seems I am barred from fastpasstv now and I am unable to watch anything now. Guess I'll have to spend my time reading instead. Or playing games haha. Another sad note is that the rest of the Konfinement Kongregation is gone now, and I am left all alone. Bother.

I will have spent about 50 weeks in OCS in total. Confinements/Not Gone Home: 2 in CLM, 3 for MSTD (1), 6 during MSTD (2), 11 on confinement (or thereabouts). That's 22, a rough estimate, cause I cannot recall any batch confinements or the like. That equates to about half of my weekends here not spent at home, or at least outside. It is such a sad thing is it not! Sigh. Never do anything stupid, or at least nothing as spectacularly stupid as mine own actions.

Here's a line from Life of Pi that I thought was particularly poignant:

At the heart of life is a fuse box.

That which protects us from too much pain and sorrow.

Here's one from one of the Konfinement Kongregation (or rather, it was a question and answer):

Him: You know how many memes there are?
Me: Nope.
Him: IT'S OVER 9000!!!!

Haha I'm sorry, but I just had to include that. In that conversation we have a perfect demonstration of exactly the kind of geeks we are, and the prerequisite amount of geeky knowledge, I might even venture so far as to say expertise, you would have to possess to be one of us, and to understand that joke. Seriously, it is a very funny joke. Although if you do actually understand, the amount of life you actually have (i.e. not being a no-lifer) is really quite suspect.

It's almost like getting rickroll'd! If you know what I'm talking about you should check out this nice little pie chart on Knowyourmeme.com about Rick Astley. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you should still check it out, and click on the chart to find out what it is I'm talking about! Haha sigh I am such a degenerate.

Oh on another sad note. I was asked the shape of the earth in a quiz this week. My answer was: Oblong spheroid. zomg. The amount of ridicule and humiliation that follows a gaffe like that.. 'tis terrible. I think I'll never get over this! A sphere with corners? A cuboid with rounded edges?? A rectangle with a radius??? What a n00bz.

Also I went dragonboating yesterday, for the first time since way before MSTD I think. Pretty exhausting and pretty fun, at least I haven't forgotten how to row haha. And I got a tan too so I'm no longer pastyboy woohoo. Not played touch in ages though, I'm afraid the sidestepmeister is probably a thing of the past now :/ And I'd probably be so "chuan" after every run too haha. Unfit like a turd.

Which reminds me of how I was so............. words fail me, denied the opportunity to run for Sundown. Grrrrrrrr. Alright let's not dwell on it, instead let it be said that if I weren't such a colossal idiot i.e. the confinement king, I would have been able to run it (AND NOT WASTE $65 AHHH) and done many more things to boot (Read: No Pirates of the Caribbean for me nuuuuuu.)

True Love

There was a girl. Her real name is of no import, so we shall call her Jane.

Jane was an extraordinarily ordinary girl. This wouldn't have been a problem if the word "ordinary" hadn't taken on an extraordinary meaning. The word now stood for all that a person shouldn't be, in this day and age of extraordinariness. Everyone was a star in his or her own way, everyone the owner of a little badge with the words "You are unique!" printed on it, commonly accompanied by a picture of a star. Everyone believed in their own uniqueness.

Except for Jane. For no one could so openly lie, and tell her she was special, so unspecial was she. The only thing remarkable about her was her plainness, and of course nobody had the heart to tell her this.

Jane fell in love a number of times, primarily in her youth. Falling in love got increasingly harder as she got older. When she was young there was plenty to love. The soft scent of flowers. The majesty of a mountain. Gentle rain on a sleepy afternoon. The rainbow after the rain.

But her grown-up mind dissects all these. Merely a somewhat pretty effect caused by the diffraction of light through water. The result of plate tectonics. Life had ground her down, her love and her enthusiasm for life.

There were times when Jane felt acutely lonely. Even more than usual. The onset of which could have been caused by any number of things, say, a good movie. A love song. A book. Sunset. In this heightened state of loneliness, a certain despair would begin to gnaw at her. She felt that something had to be done.

Cue the boys. Lonely boys, to be sure. These never quite worked out though, despite all her earnest efforts. But none of them ever truly loved her. And if she were to be perfectly honest, she would admit that the converse was true too.

But sometimes it felt so real. Like there was so much more to be had. With some of them, she felt as if she could almost be happy. Always, she thought: I am in love! Only to find out that she wasn't, after all.

And she discovered a truth: An illusion of love is created when two lonely people, each desperate to fall in love, meet.

So this was a story that I tried to write in January. It is very much a draft, actually. I have not edited it to my heart's desire, nor in fact, even finished it at all. I don't know what to do with it, so I decided I shall just post it as it is, unfinished and unpolished. Make what you will of it.

Well I think the story started out with that last line. I tried to fit it into a story, and there you go. Ohwell. It's not very good I'm afraid.

Okay that's that then, good-bye and happy sunday!

Yellow Brick Roads And Blood Red Lips.

2011-05-22T00:58:00.000+08:00

Okay so I booked out for 10hours today! What a godsend indeed! Nothing short of a miracle that I was able to attend shanshan's wedding today. Saw my dearest elenya for the first time in ages, and also baby ethan and a glimpse of little jessica. I've not seen all my distant (not by blood but by actual distance) relatives for such a long time I don't recognize the half of them! And neither they me.

Anw shanshan looked so beautiful today, positively radiant! I feel so happy for them, and for gu-ma too. Although I'm sure a part of her is very sad to be marrying her daughter away, and her in the new house and all. I should visit her more frequently I guess!

What an exciting dinner too! Haha. First wedding dinner I've been to that I can remember, and I had no idea what I was supposed to do! So lost and clueless :/ Mingle around? Make small chat with distant relatives? Etc etc. I'm like a social neanderthal hehe.

Seeing elenya made me consider whether I should head to beijing for a short holiday instead of cambodia or vietnam or sth. Hmmmmmm we'll see.

And prior to that we had A Scene. Very melodramatic all round. Each of us with our own stories to tell. I'm not sure who was listening, though. But I really admire and appreciate my dad so much more, now. A lesser man would have exploded, I think. I was on the brink of.. it would have been bad. Sigh. It really was painful. Let's hope it was just a mood swing, a one-off. I wouldn't want this to ever repeat again.

Okay anyway. I really think my reading Sandman: Book of Dreams is the catalyst for all the dreaming I've done lately! Almost the whole week long, and conjuring up the most unlikely of characters. And in one of my dreams, I actually had I think, a modicum of control over the people who turned up in it. Or rather, person. Marvelous.

Another marvelous thing was my 8km run this week, which while not entirely mindblowing, was at least enough to restore my somewhat sadly deflated confidence. 34:49 isn't too shabby I think, although I'm certain I'm still a shade too slow sigh. At least I have something resembling confidence going into Sundown next saturday! Woefully underprepared but so exciting nonetheless!

I also had nights out on wednesday, and it was mindblasting. We started off at Ice Cream Chefs and ended up at Udders. 2 ice creams?! you might ask. That's where you're wrong, cause we had more ice cream in between. Absolutely smashing. I had Strawberry cheescake + Passion Kiwi Ritz ice cream at Ice Cream Chef, Sea Salt & Mars Bars ice cream at The Little Bookshop and MAO SHAN WANG at Udders. 4 different ice creams in one night, beat that! Hehehehe. Add a dash of carrot cake (not cai dao kway, an actual slice of cake!) and rojak and you'll have a rough idea of how satisfied I was in the aftermath. Mehehehaha.

Alright on another off-tangent altogether, I was rejected by Newcastle! Took me quite by surprise, that. Didn't expect that I'd get turned down! I'm so sorry annabel :/ But it does solve my initial dilemma as to whether I should go alone or not, so I guess.. A blessing in disguise? But really, I did intend to go to newcastle, don't doubt that! Not meant to be I guess.

Okay anyway this is something I wrote about a month ago, and I shall probably never continue so here it is.

On happiness.

Do I believe in the promise of happiness? I do. Do you too? I hope you do.

But there is something flawed with the whole concept of happiness, insofar as we'll never be able to answer the most pertinent question of all. Am I truly happy?

How do we know we can't be happier? How do we know that what we've got is as good as it gets? That we should (if ever) stop in our pursuit of happiness? And to finally look at ourselves and sigh contentedly, saying, "This then, is true happiness."

The problem is that happiness is an entirely arbitrary emotion. There is no tipping point (or at least not that I've experienced) where you suddenly realize, I am Happy. Maybe you're always cheating yourself when you think that, for surely you can be happier, somehow, no?

How do you know you've not made tha tone fatal mistake, one bad decision, previously, that has turned your life all awry? And that true 100% happiness is now forevermore barred to you. If you'd gone to a different school.. Not said that one word to that one person.. Not decided to cross the road at that moment.. Decided to tarry for another 5 minutes.. Who knows? The smallest things could have made the world of difference to you. Maybe you were 5 minutes away from meeting your 100% lover, but you decided on a change of shoes at the last moment. (I could be entirely wrong in equating true love to happiness, but I certainly do believe in that ideal. I digress)

But we can choose to be content. I believe contentment is more of an attitude you can choose to adopt. Happiness, though, is a different animal altogether. I believe happiness to be a live thing. Wild and tempestuous, it comes in waves, and sweeps you off your feet on tides of joy. Other times, it is calm, soothing, and envelops you and you are allowed to drift off and away into your dream of dreams. Happiness is a gift. The most excruciating gift you can ever hope to receive. And thus the most precious.

But there are those who have spent their lives searching for happiness. By spent, I mean just that. Some of them might have found it, but not realized it. And so they carry on with their searching, never knowing that they'd left happiness behind, inexorably traveling further and further away into that land called Morose. And some of them never ever find it, for any of a myriad reasons. Destiny/Fate (whatever the Vagaries decide to call themselves right now) or sheer luck, an entire life of misfortune and missteps. Where maybe that ha'step to the right could have brought him face to face with true happiness, a Happily Ever After waiting to happen.

Hmm. I like that. That out there somewhere, a Happily Ever After patiently awaits our discovery, whenceupon we can make up our Once Upon a Times.

That's where I ended, cause I started writing a story about Embittered Endings (of faerie tales, romances, and more) which ended up quite the disaster, and will not be reproduced here. Well that was all written a month ago and it is possible I am not the same person I was back then, but who ever knows eh?

Oh yes I wanted to add that looking at the bride and groom just now, I was wondering that everyone there would be having different thoughts or perhaps memories as they watch the night unfold. Anticipation and hope and longing (dread maybe?! haha) for the unwed and nostalgia, regret, those married. How many of them would be thinking back to the day they tied the knot, remembering their trepidation and apprehension, their hopes and their fears, their love back then?

Hmmm okay that's about it for the night. Might watch 50 first dates or play a game. You will realize that I'm tackling my movies in alphabetical order now, or rather, as of now still numerical. Saves me from agonizing over what genre of movie to watch! 300 was pretty good though, haha. Well goodnight all happy holidays to those who have them!

Paint The Sky With Silver Lining.

2011-05-17T13:27:00.000+08:00

My foot hurts like a pangsai, which is a wonder, because I didn't even run the 8km yesterday. I am a Fallout Boy. Can't wait for my physiotherapy session (haha?) and hopefully that can help to fix the problem once and for all. So many niggling injuries here and there, it's quite irritating.

Okay a little (maybe a huge) sigh of relief there yesterday. One final hurdle and I'm home free! I wonder, for a scholarship board should I wear my specs and look stunningly scholarly, or should I not and look like cooldude92 instead? Pretty deep questions huh! I had better not mess this up anyhow!

Might watch Amelie later, although it's so upsetting that fastpasstv doesn't have Before Sunrise/Sunset. Although have to engage in menial labour yet again, right after lunch!

I believe I am somewhat deadened already to the world out there. Every week I am resigned to my dastardly fate of being confined over the weekends (and public holidays even, lagi dastard.) I even suspect that the day my confinement ends (far off in the horizon somewhere, if you choose to squint and maybe possess a telescope) I will feel quite... lost? Empty, perhaps. Hahaha ridykulous I know.

But two of our band are gone now, and today will be the last confinement another one serves. From 5 strong we will be reduced to 2, and not even that cause if it's just the 2 of us we'll probably choose to isolate ourselves in our rooms and nerd/geek our weekends away haha. 5.5 books left to read! Anw as I was saying, us kongregation of konfinees are slowly but surely diminishing now, tragedy! Like the passing of an era.

But yesyes, the outside world is a very good one indeed. Celebrating jolyn's birthday at Ding Tai Fung was a blast, although I think my keen lack of experience in a social setting (in the outside, real world, that is) was quite obvious! Hahaha confinement what have you done to me. It was great to see everyone again, some even for the first time since I set sail ages ago! Buggerrit. Anyhow, blessed two (no more one?!) zero jolyn!

Unfortunately will not be able to make yeemin's birthday, sorry bro! Or touch on saturday, what's new! Have not played for the longest time.

I had a dream a few nights ago where I was in a supermarket. The weirdest part about the dream was its clarity upon waking up. That and the fact that it featured a friend I've not seen for quite some time. Have not had a dream I could remember in a long time. Last one was probably the one about child soldiers in the himalayas, or the alps, or sth, falling to their deaths and entombed in an icy grave. But they left their guns behind.

Half awake in a fake empire / Laugh away in our fake empire. I'm not decided which one sounds nicer, although one of them is a mishearing of the lyrics of Fake Empire by The National. Anw have been listening also to Phoenix, a french rock band! Whoever heard of the french rocking! I thought it'd have been violins etc. in the City of Love! Maybe should catch Paris je t'aime next. Long long long long long long list of wants. Volver? Funnily, I'm not clearing any of the movies in my List of Movies to Watch, the one which is 150 strong. Boo boo.

Alright. I also have to decide what to do with my 3 hour long liberty later (which includes travelling from Tuas to Changi, criminal!) and whether I should cab around or just public transport it. Btw my total cab expenditure on Sunday was 45 dollars, plus a dinner I paid 18 dollars for.. that makes 63 dollars for about an hour spent with friends :O Imagine the number of hours that buys me in a LAN Shop!!! Heh. Worth it anyhow.

Maybe I'll resume my exploration of the east side of singapore. Eunos/Bedok/Simei? Okay set. Lights camera action! I'll watch 300 now. Bye and have a Happy Vesak's Day!